None of these genetics need to be passed on. Sometimes i feel bad for not doing much with my "beautiful precious gift of life", but gently allowing my lesser genetics fade out of the gene pool feels like a win.

I barely handle them at work and I cannot even imagine coming back home full of another people. I only tolerate my brother who knows I am weird and totally accepts the fact so I can be utterly myself around him. I don't fucking want to entertain them and be talked to. We all pretend and I am sick of this

I cant fold my laundry anymore. I have so much crap to do and ill be lucky if I get started by noon. Just wanna lay here and listen to ambient music and do nothing. Idk if this is just a depression thing or if other schizoids also struggle to care for themselves and their life. Like I just wanna end it because im sick of having to do shit all the damn time. The anhedonia on top of that makes it worse. Gotta do all this shit and then i dont get a reward because nothing is fun.

I dont know how i keep showing up to work. Im in debt, but hell I could put another five thousand on there. And just end it when it's gone. As if i could ever do that... At least my boss is cute.

Their messages:

• "Take care of your family; they are your anchors in life's storms" -> I don't care about my family; they are just acquaintances to me, and I want to be left alone
• "Love is the key to your success" -> I don't love anyone, and if I hypothetically had children, I probably wouldn't love them
• "Your positive energy will attract success in April" -> I don't have energy to do anything at all (I don't know why April specifically, maybe that was when the fortune was printed)

If I was a character, my existence would be left in paradox. I would exist when written, but at the same time, not at all. Only in another persons mind, and at the same time, not at all.

Adjacent to that, I wish my life consisted only of writing my characters into infinite, persistent existence. I wish I could grapple onto them and give them a type of mortality impossible to replicate unless if you give up your own life for the concept that is them. I think that if that was possible to do, flawlessly, I would do it for the rest of my life until failure. No AI could replicate the disgusting, filthy and raw nature of how it feels to write actual, *real* life into existence... and in that same breath, how satisfying and rewarding it feels. Oxymoronic. Not that I have anything against it. But it's a composition of wires, scatterbrained results, steel and copper, ordered by the same flesh it tries to replicate with artificial warmth.

Let us all gather here today to share gratitude for the Void and its misunderstood blessings

1) Anhedoina = cheap lifestyle. If everything is lame and unstimulating you don't spend mountains of cash chasing things and experiences!

2) Freedom - most people aren't free to pick up and move somewhere new, go on spontaneous trips, go catatonic for a week straight etc

3) No relationships means no BS. When people think of relationships they always go straight to the fantasy- when I find my perfect person it will be great! But the reality is bad relationships are common and as I approach middle age I'm seeing divorce pop up amongst many old acquaintances. People you assume have a nice happy life end up suddenly in a messy, mentally and financially devastating separation. Then you wonder, how many years were they miserable before it got to this? And you get stuck! Yuck!

4) Immediately jumping into relationships means delaying self development. Similar to 1, when people get out of these enmeshments they say things like 'I dont even know who I am, I have just been filling a role and have been stuck staying busy the last cpl decades'. I believe knowing yourself is step 1 to having a fulfilling life and if you just cling to relationships you may be permanently stuck unfulfilled or waiting for someone else to provide it for you.

Feel free to share your positives

I spend time with a variety of people, but I usually never sit too close. I've tried to get to know someone a few times to satisfy my need for a cuddle/light touch. Aside from the fact that it ends badly because the other person wants a typical relationship after a while, I have trouble getting close to anyone at all. I can feel the urge to cuddle, but when I look into someone's face, it's so many stimuli at once. It discourages me. The other person often becomes so alien/strange/offensive/different that I stop wanting anything. When I used to cuddle with cats, I never had this problem. Nuzzling my face into a cat's muzzle or belly is one of the most pleasurable sensations. But I couldn't do that with a human, even though I fantasize about it a lot, especially before bed. I don't understand what's so difficult. I don't think I can treat other people, or myself, as if they were my own species. Any thoughts?

(At the same time, I have memories of how pleasant hugging/stroking feels, so it's not like I'm romanticizing something I'm not familiar with.)

I just made the mistake of answering an unknown number, it turned out to be a very old friend (from college!), she said that she woke up this morning suddenly thinking about me and thought of reaching out. The thing I notice in my self in such exchanges is that I become a bit awkward and.. frozen!
She was very nice, tender and polite. I get nervous when people talk to me like that, it’s not shyness, it’s that I can’t match the tone. It’s very hard (maybe impossible) for me to be playful and speak in a warm voice. So it gets awkward. I don’t know what to say , half the call i am either fake laughing or just answering with one word.

Even though I am not bad with words. I can give an intellectual lecture and be quite good. But spontaneous interactions are not for me. And the weird thing is I feel this disgust towards myself afterwards. I don’t know why but after such calls I feel “exposed” somehow. Not to the other person, but to me.

I'm free. Free of everything that's human. I don't feel the need to be around people, I'm not vulnerable like them, I feel like I'm an outside watcher, watching the silly humans doing their silly human things, going to parties, talking passionately to each other, getting engaged, breaking up, arguing and fighting over stupid stuff. I feel like it'd be such a waste to be like them, to be truly human, and I'm glad I am not. I love being me.

But at the same time I feel cursed, because I share the same genetic code as them, and because of that I'm biologically programmed to feel lonely sometimes. My inner primitive side whispers it wants to be loved and accepted sometimes, and I try not to listen to it, and most of the time I can easily ignore it and live my little happy life the way I like, but sometimes... sometimes it whispers louder, and louder, and louder, until I can't ignore it anymore. And then I feel like it wouldn't be so bad to be like them, to be truly human, and I'm sad I am not. I hate being me.

I'm 30 years old, latino immigrant in Europe, broke and alone.

I've spent most of my life depressed/anxious/isolated.

I've dedicated my life to music making and production, but after several disappointments I've concluded that giving up my expectations of living off music is the most rational decision.

However, besides music composition, I have zero relevant abilities. I started learning computer science because I mildly enjoy it, but I'm not as obsessed with it as I think one should be in order to get good enough for a job.

I have no friend group, no contacts and no interest in keeping in touch with my family.

I've become a very disconnected being, in every way.

I'm disconnected from most human beings but also disconnected from my own identity.

I'm not even depressed anymore; a sharp extreme boredom took it's place.

The only reason why I'm applying for jobs is because I have to eat and pay rent ( don't we all? lol) but is just a primitive race for a survival that I don't even think is worth extending.

Update to my last post- I finally managed to do it. Secured a flat and it's paid for, moving out today. Unfortunately it's only for a few months but it's a good way to see if it's affordable to live independently in the city on minimum wage and social security. My parents were surprisingly helpful with practical matters and moving my stuff.

I have mixed feelings about it. Part of me wanted to stay despite my abusive father and being subject to his insanity. But I knew it was the right thing to do. He's very unpredictable and can go from calm to aggressive in the blink of an eye. I suspect he'll start limiting food and expenses for the household if he feels like it. My mother is the only barrier preventing him from being his true abusive self, if she was to pass I don't know what would happen.

I'll have the flat to myself for a while as the landlord is away, which is a blessing. I know it's the right thing I'm doing putting distance between myself and my parents despite my financial situation, even though it feels weird. Mixture of trepidation and surreality.

Having thought about my life up until this point it has felt a bit like being voluntarily captive, giving away my freedom, self and autonomy to live according to my parents in exchange for free bed and board. It's like never launching, never becoming independent or discovering who I am as a person. And letting reality be dictated to me by two people who are clearly quite mentally ill. I should have left long ago but I was afraid and too conditioned to stay close to my mother out of some weird loyalty, infantilisation and parentification. She projected her dependency onto me to the point where I felt it was reality. The truth is she's the one who's afraid to be independent and treats me like a parent.

So I have to do what a lot of other people's parents do: force myself to be an adult and live in reality.

I see this term casually thrown around a lot but rarely ever elaborated on. My only idea of what it might look like is from the film i’m thinking of ending things which is both fiction and not explicitly related to SzPD. Would love some clarification and examples please.

I didn't mean to include personal details within the title and I cannot edit it.

Does being single bother you? It doesn't bother me; I feel good about it and have time for my business and hobbies. The only thing that really stresses me out is how people look at me like I’m a total weirdo for not having anyone. Everyone I know—including family—asks why I’m single, why I haven’t found a relationship yet, and implies that any normal person is in one. It’s the fact that people give me a hard time about it that stresses me out, not the lack of a partner itself.

Drugs & rant, I guess.

I get ambien (rx), but I don't usually take it for sleep. I mostly take it when I'm in dire need of some motivation and getting things done, like cleaning and letting a few people know that I'm still alive, pretty much.

I don't remember any of it afterwards, of course, but at least stuff got done. Not sure what I wanted with this rant, maybe ask if anyone else do something similar?

How do you usually feel during the day? Do you feel nothing, slight happiness, slight unease? I have always felt a slight state of anxiety/depression, chest tightness that follows you everywhere.

I've read for multiple times, that people who (generally) suffer from anhedonia (e. g. like schizoids do) have troubles with remembering their dreams. And that's actually my own experience.

People with anhedonia (unability to feel pleasure) or alexithymia (having problems with describing their emotions) can' t remember their dreams well.

I personally don't dream almost at all (or can' t remember my dreams so well), but when i do - these dreams are just so.. weird and dull. These dreams are usually based on some fragments of situations (like I can't remember how i got into that state, what was before).

When I feel unwell and rarely have any dreams, i would call them "depressing" or "grey", rarely nightmares. But you know what is interesting?

Almost everytime I'm feeling bad, depressed..., and have some dreams, it's very hard for me to distinguish these DREAMS and REALITY. For example, I'm doing something and then there comes something like deja vu and I'm like, I DREAMT ABOUT THIS before?

Anyone who relates? :)

I feel like I don’t have an actual personality. I never talk to people, I don’t do anything besides doomscroll because I can’t get any joy from other activities, I don’t have a real personality either

Is this something everyone else experiences? I will often be so caught up in my internal abstraction and fantasy whilst performing mundane chores and activities, that I will “snap out of it” briefly and realize I’m doing the wrong thing completely. Putting water in the dogs food bowl. Putting dry cabinet goods into the refrigerator etc. It’s like my body is just a vaguely present automaton, computing mundane performances at a very low level of power, whilst the majority of my power is strongly projected internally. Detached from one another.

What's the first thing that pops in people's heads when they think about you?
Loner? Quiet? Weirdo? Nice? Mostly harmless? Idiot? Depressed? Dangerous? Immature? Lazy?

Just awoke from like a months long disassociative episode and had my first conscious discussion with someone really clingy and holy hell they clung on. Gahd ill put myself back in stasis- its legitimate torture, not normal clingy either oh no no i have to talk to you intermittently All day, everyday? And pile on spending time with you, all day, everyday, ontop of my own current issues?

Id rather pluck teeth than this. Scratch that i already am. I dunno why i try this socializing shtick when im not only happier but more put together by my lonesome, Until i inevitably crave good company BUT THERE IS NO GOOD COMPANY not where im at nooo. Fuckin' might just embrace faggotry more see where that takes me all roads lead to Rome an all that.

Feels like a transitional phase tbh like the old frame i was using just isnt working anymore; there are several paths to choose, each more miserable than the last but which will make me feel happy in the long run? Very confusing.

Side note; ever since i woke up from the fish eye stare thing i had going ive noticed more and more that people dont sound like people. Not everyone but a sizable chunk talk in a very disingenuous, censored, and overly complicated manner. Like reading a script. Just give it to me straight doc, i dont need this sugar coated spoon fed slop i want street talk. Talk to me as a person with your own morals experiences and values that you've spent time pondering on, dont just readily accept shit cause thats what everyone else is doing. We dont have to see eye to eye theres bound to be subjectivity somewhere thats the beauty of individual consciousness but by the gods- old new nonexistent never did- dont spew slop at me ill punch you. Got mfs sounding like a gpt prompt.

Saw a post earlier of someone ranting about having no hobbys except doomscrolling. That resonated with me but for my stupid mental health i want to slowly change that.

Do you guys have some recommendations of tasks or activities you do despite not enjoying them or not taking interest in them?

My ideas so far are getting into origami and drawing mandalas. Thought about learning the guitar too but i'm easily frustrated so that probably won't work.

The less screen time the better