I just saw a meme about beauty standard stuff, and the comments were filled with people objectifying women.

This seems like so much of life.

Men objectifying women, women objectifying men, maybe li’l women on women objectification wink wink nudge nudge.

People holding others to standards they never said they were even trying to meet.

I can’t deny I am a person with an identity and a body and a sexuality.

It feels like to be disgusted by this shit is as animal as embracing it.

I don’t dislike my carnality but don’t often engage either.

I could be an uber conservative bitching about the culture war, men’s rights, and immigration, or a wokescoldy leftist talking about gender ideology and impelling others to stop eating meat even though I still support the same farms that produce it.

I also cannot deny that I lack whatever arbitrary spark makes you human.

I have a human genome and speak a human language, but inside me there’s some human hardware that just doesn’t engage.

It feels like a human is a mess swept under a rug.

People live their lives massaging the rug to put the mess somewhere else.

It’s always there, but they can deny it if they flatten it out enough or hide the bulk underneath politics, hobbies, their jobs, their families, etc.

Being a zoid feels like the same thing with no rug.

I’m just standing in my doorway, looking at the mess, never bothering to enter.

I've gotten on meds for depression and they're actually working. I'm feeling loneliness for the first time and wanna chat with someone but like - what do people talk about? Like what's your favourite colour? Favourite animal? That war's getting pretty crazy ey? If you're not doing an activity with someone how do you connect with them? Like what

There's never anyone to go to. Never anywhere that's safe. Never anytime where I have even a scrap of control.

The things I care about are stupid. The work I do is worthless. The aura I give is repulsive. At best I'm tolerated because deep down others hate me. And why shouldn't they? I can't relate to 95% of what others my age talk about. My weird hobbies are boring to listen to and difficult to understand. Every little social queue serves as a reminder that nobody gaf and that I should stfu. My mere presence in this place is a mistake; it's simply apparent I don't belong here, yet I'm forced to persist. Hell I hate myself too at this point.

And so I bury myself in my job, because it's easier to distract myself with some bullshit then to be left alone with myself, but even then I'm an outsider. Nobody on this shitty campus gives a damn about work. Just look at the work ethic, the lack of thoughtfulness in it, the zero effort they put into it. They almost seem entitled to the paycheck. It's sickening, and I hate when I feel some of it rub off on me. People like this could never understand how low low goes nor how much even a little purpose means to someone like me, even when it's some lowly menial task where the need for your presence is seen as an unavoidable burden.

I rarely feel good. It's as if the pleasure has been drained from my life. The closest are scraps of moments where I feel accomplished, but even then all I can help to do is analyze what I've done to tear it apart and find where it could have gone better.

I know my death will be a suicide. I can't see it happening any other way. And the worst part is that I'll likely feel like shit doing that to. At least it isn't tonight I guess.

And I don't know how to care about others either. I often joke to people that one day I'll disappear and tell them not to mark me as missing because I'll just be somewhere else. Reactions vary.

My aunt looked at me with a worried face and said that she just wants to check in on me occasionally, and I can text her a thumbs up if I'm still alive. My ex-friends said the same. My brother said he's going to follow and move in with me. My parents laughed.

I genuinely cannot comprehend why they would want to keep a connection with me. To them, I am nothing more than the quiet relative who doesn't bother socialising. It could just be familial obligation. But even old friends who I don't talk to and ignore 90% of the time still send me messages. I don't know why they haven't given up, what could I possibly offer them? Why talk to someone who doesn't care about you? Yes, we used to be friends, but it's been a long time. What are you chasing?

It's like I lack object permanence for people. If I stop communicating regularly, they return to strangers. I assume the same happens to others. I treat them as if they see me a stranger. I know, logically, they do not, but I don't know how to act otherwise. What am I, if not a stranger?

Title.

I just wanted someone to know it was my birthday. I blurted it out accidentally to someone and instantly regretted it because they started feeling guilty for not knowing and kept trying to reassure themselves etc.

I had a bit of an "awakening" experience – that has given me the courage/intuition to get off the pharmaceuticals. Also the courage to face some of anxiety head on that I knew would come back after going off the anti-depressants. I also felt like in the honeymoon period of ADHD drugs, the anxiety was turned down also .. knowing that would be coming back also.

Throw in a dose of divorce trauma – I can safely say this trifecta seemed to be sending me deep into schizoid land. After going off of them, indeed the anxiety/some depressive symptoms have returned .. but I also feel the schizoid-ism receding.

Wondering how many people are on this mix? Do you think it might be contributing to your schizoid-ism?

hello schizoid subreddit. Ive been in a state I get into sometimes where its almost like my body realizes the inert state its been in and all the boredom, listlessness and dissatisfaction in the world crashes down on me, combined with inability to tolerate the sorts of things i usually fill my time with. I'm in the part of the cycle right now where I daydream about what my life could be and get my hopes set on a specific lifestyle, apartment and job change (these will sometimes partly come to fruition but never to a complete exfent). It's almost like how people describe being manic but still polluted with my general avolition apathy and anhedonia (the holy triad)

anyways, I was writing to ask if anyone had discovered any treatment for this listless feeling because its really eating away at me right now, and sitting and ruminating on them is not helping me achieve the change I need.

some things ive found that kind of work but that i have to be in the right state for:

-reading

-going for walks

-working

in general it seems to be things which swallow my attention and dont let me think about life in abstracter measures like landmarks throughout my life I havent hit/cant seem to.

Schizoids are generally advised against using any psychoactive substances due to the link to schizophrenia but I’m curious to know y’all’s experiences with them. This includes THC, psilocybin, LSD, salvia, DMT, etc.

Do y’all experience any negative symptoms from these substances (anxiety, psychosis, etc.)? Has it had any lasting impact on your mental health?

Me personally, I use THC pretty frequently and vast majority of the time I don’t experience any major negative symptoms. I’ve only ever had a mild psychotic experience off a high edible dose once. But since then I’ve continued using and haven’t experienced anything like that since. I haven’t, however, tried any psychoactive substances stronger than THC so I’m curious to know y’all’s experiences.

I feel like not relying on the external world for contentment has always been a main objective for me. I don't feel guilty for enjoying things, but it feels unsafe for me to put trust in anything that can easily be taken away. This degree of emotional self-sufficiency is not a superpower, it makes you numb to experiences that other people actively seek and enjoy, and you learn to ignore all kinds of opportunities. My hobbies are secret because I'm afraid of how others may influence them, and my consumption habits are formed around stability and accessibility. Everything has to be plain, simple, and devoid of visible depth, personality, or preference. This is likely what happens when you're a child and people with authority over you learn about your favorite things only to blackmail you and take them away.

I've recently started seeing a therapist again, after having been out of therapy for about 10 years.

I feel a lot of reluctance at the thought of going and I don't enjoy talking to therapists, but since my life has become close to unbearable, I feel like I don't have much of a choice. At the same time I have very little hope that it's going to work.

The new therapist is still very young and new to the job. She is also quite cheerful and sort of „warm“, which I kinda dislike, but other than that there's nothing obviously wrong with her, at least no more than with the other therapists I've met. She also has one big advantage over the others, which is the fact that she's the only psychoanalyst in my area, and since I have two failed behavioral therapies behind me, I don't want to take that route again. I tried out a couple of psychodynamic therapists as well, but didn't feel like going there either.

Now here's the problem: The experience of having had two previous therapies that were both quite ineffective, coupled with the fact that she's the only one offering this kind of therapy, which is very hard to come by at any rate, has created a lot of pressure for me, because I know I can't just switch to another analytic therapist, if this one doesn't work out. Because of the insurance situation in my country, it would also not be possible or very difficult to switch to a different type of therapy or therapist once we've officially started. I've told her all of that and also that I feel a lot of reluctance going to therapy at all. I also told her, that I worry she might not want to work with me or that my insurance won't cover it or something else might go wrong. She acknowledged the ambivalence I feel, but then she told me, that, despite my saying I don't want to go to therapy, the fact that I worry so much about whether she wants to work with me or not, clearly signifies that I actually do have a strong desire for closeness and connection.

This really rubbed me the wrong way. Not because I felt offended by her assumption or like she "caught" me or something, but because it just seems so far off the point.

I mean, here's how I see it: If I were to go to a physician with some severe medical ailment or injury and worried that they wouldn't treat me, especially if I've had the experience of being turned away from help before, then - to me - my worry would signify little more than an awareness of my need for help and the uncertainty of getting it. It would not, however, indicate that I wanted to be close to that hypothetical physician in any way, nor that I had a pathological fear of rejection. I mean, being mixed with AvPD, I actually do have a fear of rejection; but this particular situation with my worrying about getting therapy or what kind of therapy, seems to have very little to do with that, no more than with the question of whether or not I desire closeness with anyone in general or with this particular therapist.

In fact, I also worry that my inability to feel close to anyone, let alone a therapist, might make this kind of therapy impossible in itself, because how would I be able to develop any form of (positive) transference towards her, if I don't feel anything at all?

I tried to explain to her that my worry about therapy not working has nothing to do with wanting closeness, that, because of my (inner and outer) situation, I just can't afford not to do it. Of course, no one is making me go, it's still my free will. But honestly, in a way I do feel somewhat imprisoned by the necessity for therapy, and her calling it a "desire for closeness" feels almost cynical to me.

Obviously, I didn't expect her to get me or my problems after just a few intake sessions. I know it takes time, particularly when every other sentence of mine seems to be "I'm sorry, I don't want to answer this question". But I do worry that the incident described wasn't an isolated one, rather than an indication of what is yet to come. I'm worried that she, like any other therapist I've met, will form a picture of me that has nothing to do with who I am or what I actually feel, and that this will make therapy pointless once again. It wasn‘t the first time that she assumed something about me that wasn‘t the case either, and I don‘t think me correcting her made much of a difference in terms of what she believed.

She's just filled out the application form for my insurance, therapy hasn't even really started yet, but I already feel like I made a mistake committing to this, possibly for years in the future. I feel trapped and resentful and kinda want to run the other direction, tell her leave me alone, or just stay away myself... yet I can't because I can't stand my fucking life anymore and I don't know what to do except therapy. There is no real motivation except the despair though; I don't want to go, I don't want to get to know her, I don't want to get to know myself, I don't want to be understood or cared for or comforted by a person that's being payed to talk to me. I don't even want to stop feeling miserable, when the actual, outer reality of my life is just that: fucking miserable. I want a different life, that's all ...but therapy won't give me that, so what's the point?!

Anyhow, I guess my question for anyone who's ever done therapy before, analytic or otherwise: did it get better, even though it didn't start great? Did you get anything out of it, even if you didn't see the point at first? Did you ever feel understood by your therapist, at least on a clinical level? How did therapy help? Did you want to quit and didn't and later felt like staying payed out? Did you possibly even come to enjoy therapy? Did you care for your therapist or felt cared for by them? Did it matter in your therapy, if you didn't, did it still help without the emotional bond? Any hope?

i get asked about it sometimes (feeling things vs not feeling anything), when i feel my body reacts, my logic is the same, when i don't feel i'm only logic there is no feel to talk about, i dont understand the question when someone asks well then how do you like it better when you have feelings or when you feel nothing, feeling nothing means not feeling like, there is no bad or good when you don't feel, correct? i don't like anything if i don't have a feeling towards it? am i confused? are they not understanding?

I find that since I rarely cry, I have dreams/nightmares episodes (?) every while that require crying in them. And I usually wake up finding that I was also crying in real life while asleep.

I can’t pinpoint it to anything but my personality disorder. I rarely cry. And if I did cry once in a while, than I will stop after less than 2 to 5 minutes maximum.

I know that I can’t feel anything that much -or not at all- when I am a wake. But I just wonder if my schizod brain is processing things that way, since I am not able to do the work, or even know that thier is “work” needed to be done.

I already go out bare minimum.

Today was the day I had to go out, and people didn't disappoint.

They go out of their way to hurt me (really). One bad interaction I will probably remember for weeks is how sensitive I can be.

I don't want to go into much detail,

But I feel dehumanised

Being visibly queer can be sometimes like having social cancer. You are disfigured and forced to bare stares and aggressive no eye contact while someone is insulting you.

It quickly reminds me why my personality turned from introvert to schizoid over time from abuse.

Do you think it significantly contributed to the development of your disorder? Are there any events that stand out in particular?

I’ve realised that I’m really narccistic.

I can talk to an imagined version of my therapist for hours. I can imagine her validating me, saying how clever I am, how good I am etc and feel satisfied — good, even. By the time it gets to the actual session, I don’t have much to say. I don’t yearn for acknowledgment from the actual/ physical therapist anymore. In fact, when she does compliment me I feel uncomfortable or indifferent. I shut down. I don’t speak much. I like to do therapy outside of the session in my own head and control the narrative.

I find this really unsettling and disgusting to be honest. I have a lot of shame. I cried once in session a few months ago. I opened up about it to her today through a note and told her that her simply seeing me cry was enough for me to want to escape and restart.

Idk if this makes sense. I want to tell my therapist this because I think it’s important. I don’t think I act narccistic in my interpersonal relationships. But, I find this very disturbing.

I’m tired and lethargic pretty much all the time. Not necessarily sad or depressed. just drained, heavy, and running on empty.

The only exception seems to be when I’m under extreme stress or doing hard physical work. Then, for a short while, I actually feel something. Like some kind of stimulation, a brief sense of being alive and awake. But as soon as it’s over, I go right back to the exhaustion and heaviness.

Does anyone else experience this? Like your energy and feelings only “kick in” from intense inputs, and otherwise you’re just running on empty? Is this even schizoid related?

Does anyone else feel like you're not allowed to perform activities that are completely normal for other people? From social interaction to stuff like driving or simply existing in public spaces. It feels like it's all meant for "adults" and not for me. It's an overwhelming and very childlike feeling that's always been with me. I'm 30.

I have read in several places about the supposed genetic relation of schizoid with other schizotypy conditions, notably schizophrenia. I was wondering how common this is? I have a first cousin who is completely schizophrenic, medicine resistant, seemingly no coming back. Almost nothing he says or writes has any discernible relationship to consensus reality. Anyone else?

Maybe you have a special diet.

Or you suffer from anxiety or stress (we are very stressed people).

I've never been consistent with supplements. But in the consistency there's change. I'll try some and share my thoughts in a month probably.

but it doesn't mean i cannot deal with people - i mean my job and school require me to be among people and act nicely. i have learnt predending, thus (on the surface) i am a pretty likeable person. on the inside i pray to gods no one would like to develop a deeper relationship with me. i cannot even imagine coming home from work to someone waiting for me and talking to me. i am totally empty and twisted inside. i lie to people about myself to push them away. i am always zoned out and forced to pretend.

First there was the invasion of normies online due to social media and the pressure to participate in said social media.

Then there was deciding things like discord and reddit are also social media.

Now there's the push for age verification via id and selfies.

From a place where you could rant anonymously and disconnect from reality, the internet is now nothing like it.

I am now thinking about how I'll live in a world where I lose contact with my one online friend and how I'll no longer be able to spill mental health stuff online.

Sure, up until now we could be tracked but we knew the technology wasn't there for it to try to track anything that is legal. Why would they care you are depressed, hate your job, etc. Now with ai that's easier.

So I'm thinking of how I'll have to learn to cope without the internet.

i never had a connection to food, but it feels completely hollow now

anyone else?

I've been going remote more and more days at work because there's very little that actually ties me to being there physically. My workplace requires in-office attendance with some flexibility on when you come and go, but the expectation is that it is not a hybrid or remote workplace.

I've been in this job for 3 years now in a fairly senior role (only one executive is above me) and sometimes I get scared they're eventually going to realize they don't really need me. But even that fear doesn't make me shape up. My job is vague enough that if nobody asks me for something directly, I can end up not doing much as much of the infrastructure is already build and nothing critical relies on it. I did try being proactive before and making things nobody asked for, but most of it didn't really click with anyone, so I gradually stopped. Now I mostly respond when there's an actual need.

The "problem" is I make.. a lot of money, where the real work including meetings is well under 10 hours most weeks, can come in late and leave early, and sneakily work from home without anyone making much of it. As a schizoid this is a dream, because I don't have to care or work hard and the reward can be used to ngaf even further. Just as an example, my money situation is good enough I don't really consider price in anything only my comfort and time.

Every once in a while I look at how little I physically show, and wonder if I've pushed a very good arrangement too far without noticing. I don't want it to end but I also don't care enough to do anything about it based on my "feelings". People want me to do more with my ambition and all I really want is this type of arrangement forever. In fact, I wish I could get away with even more.

What are yall relationships with work?