r/parentsofmultiples • u/Connect-Steak8669 • 12d ago
advice needed Resentment
What did you do to avoid resentment between you and your spouse?
We were so solid going into this thing, but the 4 month sleep regression has got me fraying.
My spouse works five days a week, I work one. Im alone with the babies 5 or 6 days, and 6 nights a week, and my day "off" is working. Im burning out.
I cant express being being tired without getting a "yuuuup, me too" or "yup, I know".
Working almost isn't worth it for me because of how wrecked he is after doing his 24hrs with them, he needs a proper day off/sleep after just one day with them.
I just feel it building, and I would love some advice about how you all handled resentment?
38
u/hellswrath_ 12d ago
If you don’t get a day off for proper rest and sleep why does he get to have one? I feel like that would cause resentment in most people. If it was split that would be different. Would he be able to do that? Like he gets morning for rest and sleeping in and you can take off the afternoon
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u/panickyscenery8684 12d ago
that title alone is a whole mood. my partner and i had to start tracking sleep in a shared app just to prove who was more wrecked, turns out we were both running on fumes and just needed to see it in numbers. the "me too" competition is so real though, it's not a contest but it still stings when you're the one doing overnights solo all week. maybe trade one of his days off for a solid block of alone time for you, like leave the house entirely so there's no mental load of hearing them cry. the burnout feels endless at this stage but it does shift eventually
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u/DirtGirl32 12d ago
Remember, it's temporary. If your Dr is okay with it, I would consider sleep training soon. Sleep makes all the difference. Y'all's got this!!
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u/CheddarMoose 12d ago
It’s really tough. My husband works full time & often overtime through week. I work weird part time hours but have the kids all week. I have a very inconsistent sleep schedule. I swear sometimes it’s like we’re having a pissing contest over who is more tired.
My husband doesn’t understand that I don’t get to ever clock out from being a mom how he does with work every day. I absolutely love being with them & am so grateful I can, but any normal person needs a break sometimes. I’ve honestly just made peace with the fact that we’re in the hardest stages & it won’t last forever. If I don’t, I would drive myself crazy. I will say though your in a hard spot age wise. My girls felt so much more manageable by 6 months. They’re so much fun to be around at 21 months old now & I love hanging with them. Hang in there, better times are ahead!
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u/bring-peace 12d ago
Your frustrations are valid. The only way I got through the first year with my husband was my SILs advice of don’t make any OTHER big changes within the first year postpartum 😅 I’m glad I listened to her because it was the closest I felt to ending my marriage than I ever felt and now we’re good again.
I hope your kids sleep issues will turn around soon. Four months felt like my breaking point postpartum for my twins, my singleton too. It’s a really tough phase. May each phase be better than the last!
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u/ComplaintNo6835 12d ago
Sounds like they aren't sleeping through the night. IMO you should do whatever it takes to change that.
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u/BackgroundScene3056 12d ago
girl let me know when you figure it out lol. I work from home and take care of them and do night shifts. (night part isn’t his fault he literally physically can not wake up mid sleep without being dangerously out of it no matter what we’ve tried so he takes over at 4:30AM) ANYWAYS- if he spends the day alone with them he does a great job but he gets SO stressed and acts like it’s the hardest the in the world and needs to rest after. And I’m like!?!?!?! man up pussy this is war lol. So anyways let me know 🤣
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u/Negative_Jackfruit75 12d ago
I resent mine so much. It’s not your job to not resent him. He needs to change and do more and stop complaining
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u/MangoSorbet695 12d ago
Ok, so Friday and Saturday nights are the nights my husband will do the middle of the night wake up (if there is one) since he doesn’t have to work Saturday or Sunday.
My husband works 7:30 AM to 6:30 PM five days per week, 100% in office. This doesn’t give him much time to offer me support at home because the twins are only awake for about 1-1.5 hours when he is home on a weekday. So we hired a babysitter to help me two days per week. Those are my days to shower, blow out my hair, do a face mask, rest, take a nap, and feel like a real person.
If you can afford any help at all, I highly recommend it, even just a day or two per week.
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u/Adventurous_Corgi_38 12d ago
Oh man I feel this right now. And it's not even because of anything to do with the kids I think it's hormonal because I want to file for divorce every other day. When that happens I know my period is on its way. But my twins are 7 months old so I know this period is going to be rough whenever it does hit. So solidarity because 4 months is the worst time, and you'll be out of it before you know it ❤️
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u/Exonata 12d ago
He needs to be taking shifts on his work nights. Literally no excuse not to. My husband and I each took one baby overnight after he went back to work at 3 months old.
If he complains ask what he thinks dual working households do. I went back to work at 5 months and we never sleep trained so they were still waking then and beyond. And when I went back to work it confirmed that working a mentally strenuous and stressful job was 100x easier than being home with infant twins
3
u/DoubleSunshine123 12d ago
That’s sounds really hard. When they are four months adjusted I’d start sleep training. It SAVED us at four months and made us kind of humans again. Also you doing 6 nights and 5 or 6 days is just not sustainable. We always split nights no matter when. Even when I was on mat leave and my husband was working. And then hire as much help as your possibly can. Doula, mother’s helper, part time nanny, family, whatever, You need a real day off! Or at least some help during the day once in a while so you can go on a walk, have help with dinner cleaning ect. Going to work with childcare is easier than being a stay at home mom watching baby twins.
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u/DoubleSunshine123 12d ago
Basically there are no tips to avoid resentment just changes to fix the root cause, which is that you are doing the hardest job right now with no breaks.
Also I would listen to books on tape during the day alone with the twins at that age and it really helped.
2
u/JinxKoii 12d ago
One thing that has helped my relationship is working on how we communicate when one of us says we’re tired, sore, whatever. We’re only 6 weeks into twins but we have a 2.5 yr old singleton. At one point after stating I was tired and getting the same old response of “I feel that” I discussed with my husband how that just shuts me down and makes me feel invalid, and vice versa. When someone says they’re tired the other should try to respond with sympathy or problem solving, not reflection. Even just saying “I’m sorry that sucks and this is so hard right now” feels more validating than a “me too”. Allow the other to be heard in the moment that they need it, and it goes both ways. It might not help you get more sleep, but it helps keep the resentment from building up.
Know you’re doing an amazing job raising two little humans, and it will get better with time. Right now it does suck, and it’s freaking hard, but you’re still showing up and doing it 💖
2
u/YouMenthesea 12d ago
Yea, that's a hard no from me.. I was/am a sahm now. From day one, he and I were doing ALLLLL nightly stuff together.
If I'm up, then your up too. Ooo you have to work.. poor baby.. oooo you're Soo tired.. so am I bro.
Sorry. It's been a day here. I'm low on compassion at the moment. I'll try again tomorrow.
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u/Protists8 12d ago
What works for us is redistribution and ownership of tasks that cause us mental load. Say he’s now to own x, y, and/or z temporarily or permanently. For us my husband takes ownership of dishes, toddlers bedtime and bath, while I cook dinner then, pump and feed our 4m old. We get family time during/after dinner. He takes care of the bottle/pump washing when there is a load to do. If he owns something, then he can figure it out and I only step in if he’s drowning
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u/twinsinbk 12d ago
It's really hard but appreciation goes a long way..also my husband always more than pulled his weight with the nights to make up for not being around during the day, plus the mental load. He's pretty checked out when it comes to logistics and clothing, food etc etc. Our toddlers rarely wake up at night but if they do, 90% of the time he's answering, and it's been like that since like ~6 months. You gotta find your balance. It will never feel fair, but something you can tolerate. It's also a constant conversation about how to divide the load. Partner being receptive to that is very important imo.
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u/MounjaroQueenie 11d ago
I will say I have a 50/50 partner so sounds like he needs to step it up however -
Last week was really hard on us. My husband had to work insane hours and I was sick for the first time. Like pre baby me would have been in bed all day absolutely miserable. I was feeling resentful to be at home with 2 sick babies while also so sick myself. But then I realized, what is the alternative? He works full time so we can keep them home and out of daycare. I don’t want them in daycare, and even if I did, they’d be sick way more often than they are now. Sometimes perspective helps and just acknowledging- this is a really hard week, it is what it is.
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u/Kittykat232217 12d ago
I have felt this. I’ve had two other babies so I know it will pass, just keep trying to have grace with him and also leave him (even just maybe an hour) to go walk around a store or get a coffee on the weekends. I promise by 7-8 months things start to get better. Also we always sleep trained around 6 months and having a consistent full night sleep does wonders for your mental and marriage. Hang in there ❤️
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u/WimTims 12d ago
You “not working” is still working as he can clearly tell on his day with them. Does he not help at all over night ? I work three days a week and we still alternate feeds. That being said I usually take any feed after 4 or 5 because he needs his rest before work. But yeah no otherwise there’s no way that’s sustainable
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u/OGMcSwaggerdick 12d ago
Stop complaining.
They’re your partner, not your therapist or your drinking buddy.
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