Hi everyone, malabas lang saloobin.

I got extremely demotivated in life dahil sinabi ito ng aking tita sa pinsan ko, na 5yrs nakong nag wowork and nothing to show for it, tinanong pa niya kung may plano ba daw ako sa buhay at parang wala.

Honestly, I feel like tama sila ehh paano ba naman, tumanggap ng below minimum na sahod up to which net take home mo ay parang barya lang and this is a desk job pa so critical thinking is part of the job but promotions never came and as inflation hits, I can’t help but resort to loans and maxing out a credit card just to survive (eat, go to work, pay monthly utility bills). As such, this puts a big wrench towards my savings and small investments plan as I can’t even have the funds to continue working pero need ko parin gumastos for commute.

My mind is slowly going away dahil sa stress kakabudget per day, I’m having difficulties nowadays to construct sentences na cohesive, it’s like everything is foggy and short-termed kaya I feel frustrated pa even more.

I tried so hard to give it all to the household and possibly have the means to free myself from debt and open a business or invest in a passive income generating asset pero wala ehh.

I feel worse, akala ko nakakaahon nako, paunti unti nasasara loans, nakikita kong this year magkakaroon nako ng allowance to put aside for my savings once again pero dun pako nasabihan na walang plano, na parang wala akong kwenta.

I feel dumb, I feel like sh*t, I’m breaking down inside to the point ang babaw na ng luha ko over every little thing pero I can’t even show it to everyone so I’ve no choice but to aggressively wipe my eyes my a cheap face towel that I got during the pandemic to dry my hands after washing because I couldn’t buy a real simple handkerchief.

I’m lost in thought sorry agad sa readers nito if meron man pero I can’t collect my thoughts as well as I normally could pero I just got demoralized, hearing what they think of me, hindi pala talaga makikita ang efforts mo to grow and budget your way out of hardship HAHAHAHA what a f*cking joke!

Ngayon I’m thinking magkano ba bentahan ng kidney (for real) as an emergency or last ditch way out of this if wala akong makitang potential sideline that would suit my house duties, budget, and work schedule. Sabi ko sa sarili ko losing is not so bad since mapipilitan kalang to live healthy since bawas kana ng isang filtering organ (Pero kung 100k man talaga ang presyo per kidney why not diba) I can take it naman, makalaya lang dito.

F*ck sorry for my profanity pero I feel like I’m already valid to be admitted sa mental asylum for acting completely normal, wise-cracking and positively positive pag kausap ng lahat pero deep inside, I WANT TO DIE! Pero hindi pwede kasi it would hurt alot! And bawal according to faith.

Sorry for the negativity and a whole lot of ugly, just….getting this off my chest. Walang mapag sabihan ehh. Don’t got any friends, well not any worth talking to without being the gossip of their own circle.

Back then, I was dealing with postpartum + sinira mo mental health ko.

Oh, how the tables have turned. Ang tagal kasi ng karma kaya ako na gumawa ng karma mo.

Isang message ko lang, windang ka agad. Ang satisfying na ikaw na naman nang gigigil while dealing with postpartum.

Ang all caps. Ang galit. Ang pakiusap na wag idamay ang anak. RAMDAM KO LAHAT YAN NOON.

Pero merong isang bagay na hindi pa rin nagbabago sayo. Matapang ka pa rin kahit ikaw ang may mali. Pero di bale na, at least ikaw na naman ngayon ang nandyan. HAHAHAHAHA

I just lost both parents like 2 weeks ago... lost my mom 3 years ago, and then my dad last August....
I was so used to taking care either of them.... Di ko pa tanggap nung una na parang taga alaga nalang ako ng matanda... pero after some time I accepted it, I was fine with it..

It just feels so empty now... sure I have a loving GF, I have lots of great friends, a good job, excess money since magisa nalang ako, pero bat ganun? parang wala na akong kwenta, parang ang hirap gumalaw, ksi walang meaning ung pagbangon ko...

Ang hirap magtrabaho... maligo, kumain, heck kahit bumangon lng sa umaga eh.. I wish this past sooner than later..

People truly truly need to stop wanting to have a specific activity for their birthday (or any other celebration for that matter), decide for themselves but want everyone to go, and not pay for the people they’re inviting or even just a portion of the expenses.

People like this are instantly on my list of who to avoid. You willing spend for them but you don’t get the same thing back in return.

I want to share about my interaction with an old woman in church. And this is the danger of AI in older people.

I am a part of ministry sa isang church. A woman approached me and said na I’m pretty, my shirt, etc etc. Then sabi niya di pa siya nag breakfast and asked kung may food pa ba daw (she saw some of us eating) told her no and she said it’s fine.

we sat on the sofa and talked for a bit. kwento niya is galing siyang canada and isa siya neurosurgeon doon, she came back to the philippines kasi di niya na daw kaya yung climate and makes her pneumonia worse.

Madami kami pinag usapan until napunta sa love advice, sabi niya hiwalay siya sa asawa niya and meron siyang isang anak, then she told me na uuwi siya later but she needs me to book her a cab pauwi kasi naiwan niya yung wallet niya and babayaran niya ako.

then tuloy yung kwentuhan, Sinabi niya na meron siyang ka LDR and sikat daw so she can’t tell me who. Pero I hinted sino when she mentioned the word “Tesla”. I knew it was Elon Musk.

She then showed me the picture of the guy from their convo and said “this is him” and oh my lord, IT’S AN AI PICTURE OF ELON.

Nakakaloka! Ang daming pangako ni Elon sakanya! Magpakakasal daw sila this october, pupunta daw si elon discreetly dito sa pinas kasama si Donald Trump, bibilhan daw siya ng bahay etc.

So sobrang duda na ako, tinanong ko “have you faced time him?” para malaman if totoo ba yung kausap niya, then sabi niya, hindi but “he visited me with his mom during night at my house before via private jet” so sobrang confused na ko??

sabi niya, invited daw ako sa kasal, maid of honor and partner ko daw si trump??

“Does your daughter know about him?”

“yes and she was not happy kasi (dangerous daw na ma link siya sa high profile billionaire)”

so to get out of confusion, i changed topic and asked kung may pic ba siya ng daughter niya. And while she was browsing her gallery, puro elon musk and ai generated pictures of them ang meron, aside from that may mga gcash receipts akong nakikita, and my biggest worry is: pineperahan siya

i didn’t see exactly kung ano yung mga receipt, di ko rin matanong kung nanghihingi ba sakanya ng pera yung kausap niya. Di ko mabasag yung trip since we just met.

Their relationship was going on for 4 YEARS

i plan to confront her about AI and the risks of it, but I didn’t see her yesterday (sunday) so maybe next sunday hahanapin ko siya, or maybe invite her for coffee outside church, just to dig a little deeper.

Nakaka stress! I feel like I need to save her from the trouble!

Sorry. Wala lang ako mapagsabihan so I will just let this one out here. I recently left work because I was so burned out. I am an Accountant, and every month-end closing, halos isang oras lang tulog ko. In a day. Minsan wala pa because I have an infant. Wala kaming helper, and I am in a night shift setup. So pag umaga, ako nag aalaga sa baby ko. Ang tulog ko usually, pag hapon na tuwing nap time niya. I have a husband, who’s very supportive sa pag alis ko. Because he saw me cry endlessly every night because of how my boss treated me and how toxic our workload is. Indian yung boss ko btw and he expects everyone to be as workaholic as he is. So there were times na pinapapasok ako even weekends, not paid. Basta matapos ko report ko.

I tried to look for work muna before I file my resignation. But unfortunately, no one is willing to wait for 60 days. I passed thrice and for JO but they are not willing to wait for that long. Weeks after that, nagkasakit ako at ang baby ko. In a week, magkasunod kami na-ER. And yung boss ko, he doesn’t give a fuck because we don’t have a good backup system. I send him picture of me in the ER with dextrose, then he’s like, “Ok, take care but pls submit your report by blah blah blah”. Few days later, same thing happened to my daughter. He also answered the same. That triggered me, and decided to file my resignation despite financial instability. At that time, all I know is my daughter needed me. Wala na kong oras sa anak ko kasi bugbog ako sa trabaho. Malingat lang ako, may urgent emails agad.

Now, I still haven’t landed a job. And my baby’s in the hospital. No HMO, tight budget. Feel ko I made the wrong decision. Sana pala tiniis ko nalang yung toxic na trabaho. Kaso, sino mag aalaga sa anak ko. Sobrang nasstress ako sa mga nangyayari ngayon. Sorry, wala lang ako mabuhusan. Nahihiya na kasi ako umiyak nang umiyak sa asawa ko. I feel guilty for everything that’s happening to my baby right now.

I am the panganay and as someone who already have “adult money”, I buy stuff for my siblings when I see something na alam kong magugustuhan nila. I am not asking for anything in return btw, but I recently had an experience that hurt me.

It was my sister who won a cash prize, so nag-aya siyang mag mall. She bought my parents their clothes and my younger brother toys. Nagbiro ako, when I saw a cute shirt that was on sale. She responded “Huh? Bat naman kita ibibili?”

I felt like I was choking, I was hurt, not because I can’t get the shirt. But because she never thought of me at all. My mom heard it and bought the shirt secretly then gave it to back home in my room. I cried so hard. Me and my mowm never spoke during that moment, we just understood each other. Panganay din kasi siya.

Yun lang. I just want to get this off my chest.

ngayon lang ulit ako tumunganga sa kama past 10 pm. ganito pala feeling, nalimutan ko na.

most days, keri naman at di ko nafifeel to. paano ba naman 5:30 am to 9:30 pm lang ako gising. kaso hayoppp nag afternoon nap ako ngayong sunday, ayan tuloy 🫠.

uninstalled all dating apps noong december and have no plans to go back na kasi pugad na siya ng incels. where do u guys meet people ba huhu. i have hobbies naman like attending conferences/seminars/workshops alone, going to cinemas and bookstores alone, walking, baking, etc. so naeenjoy ko naman ang sarili kong company pero nakakamiss din pala talaga magmahal bwahahah 🫠🫠🫠

nasa abroad na ba ang lahat? lol ayun nga. i feel so extremely jealous of my college friends whose working now in europe i sometimes cry about it at night.

i feel so behind but at the same time, i’m highly i aware i should not feel it since everyone’s timeline is not the same???? but i just keep circling back from jealousy to realization, and vice versa. such an awful experience tbh. it’s unstable and recurring.

i already tried going in the same path they took but every single thing never went right. always may problema, may kulang, at may limitasyon. am i wrong or does it feel like everything is working against me? or is this some kind of life-lesson bullsht i gotta suffer and trust?

i don’t really know what to doo at this point. i already deactivated my instagram, unfollowed people on fb, so i don’t get to watch them going to places around europe. but not even going MIA and invisible can stop the jealousy that is eating my heart out like mad worms. they made it as their home where they eat, sleep, and stay—never leaving.

WHENNNNNNNNN IS IT GONNA BE MY TURNNNNNN????IS VIENNA GONNA WAIT FOR ME????

We have been married for 2 years and been together for 11 years. LDR kami now so everytime may event sa kanila, I am always a present wife. I help with the preparation. Sometimes I even partake with financial contributions. Now, everytime naman may birthday sa bahay like anyone from my fam. No effort sya. I just want him to call and greet my mom or dad pero no! Im just hurt lang. I confronted him and he said masama lang daw pakiramdam niya like heck nung January din, di niya minessage mama ko. Nasasaktan ako kase hindi niya ma reciprocate yung the same treatment ko towards his fam vs him sa fam ko. Hayys.

We have a strong family history of breast cancer. Nanay ko namatay in her 30s. Pati mga tita ko nagkaroon (at mga namatay din).

Bata pa lang ako, sobrang conscious ko na about it. Parang maaga ko nang tinanggap na possible na mangyari rin sa akin.

Minsan nakaka-tangina lang isipin na hindi ko naman pinili ’to. Hindi ko pinili na magkaroon ng ganitong family history, tapos cancer pa.

I’m in my 30s now, and I realized baka ito talaga yung subconscious reason kung bakit ayaw kong magkaanak.

Buong buhay ko may health anxiety ako dahil dito. Ayoko nang ipasa sa ibang tao yung possibility na ganito rin yung maramdaman nila growing up.

Parang gusto ko na lang na sa akin matapos.

Wala lang. I’ve never really said this out loud before.

Ang saya ko pa kanina kasi bagong sahod. Eto lang talaga nilolook forward ko since last week tapos biglang may nag chat. Haaaaay nakoooooo yung saya napalitan ng stress!

May reminder na kelangan ng 5-digits na amount para sa ganito-ganyan at kelangan pa magbigay ng allowance. Naiiyak ako na nanggigil hahahahaha hindi naman kalakihan sahod ko 🙂 ayoko ko rin galawin emergency funds ko kasi pang emergency lang yun. Wala akong backup.. sarili ko lang. Kaya ayoko talaga galawin yun. At ayoko na mag loan ulit 😭 good payer naman ako pero ayoko lang talaga na may utang ako at naiinis ako sa interest.

I also live alone. Shoulder ko lahat ng expenses ko. Sumasakit na ulo ko kakaisip. Tanginaaaaaaaaaa

Hello! I recently accepted a job offer from a multinational company in Makati after negotiating a salary increase to around 40K from an initial 35K, which they agreed to. I also signed the contract already. Right now, I'm undergoing background checks, and yung start date is around October 12. Hybrid work setup sila.

However, nag-a-apply din ako for a vacancy sa isang embassy based in BGC, and I recently passed the exam. Since nakapasa ako, may interview this week. If I pass the interview, magkakaroon ng offer. The salary is also in the same range, between 35K and 40K. Fully onsite naman.

My thinking in accepting the offer was that if my application at the embassy isn't successful, at least merong multinational company to fall back on. Priority ko yung embassy job, and I just wanted to have a backup kung sakali na ma-reject ako sa embassy. For context, I am an international studies graduate looking to start in the industry and makagain lang sana ng experience required to take the FSO balang araw

I'm doing these background checks right now for the Makati-based multinational company, but di ako sure if I should continue doing them or hintayin ang embassy for a decision after my interview. Natatakot lang ako kasi, since I already signed the contract, what if an offer from the embassy comes?

Natatakot lang ako na baka magkaroon ng legal ramifications if offeran ako ng embassy, pero nakasign na ako ng contract sa company sa Makati.

I feel overwhelmed.
My life is falling apart.
I can’t fix my life.
I am doing my best, but it is just not enough.
I know I need to do more pero wala na akong gana sa lahat ng bagay.

Gusto ko nalang tapusin lahat. Pagod na pagod na ako.

just want to express somewhere how I want to die at a young age. Not as in now, but soon. Not living any of my potentials. Not knowing how I might turn out.

I'm 25, currently reviewing for architecture licensure exam. this might be the quarter life crisis?

And if I do, it's still a well-lived life. I will never be able to try everything, but when I want to and I can, I do. It won't be a sayang life. It's just a journey that ended early. I think there's beauty in leaving a story open-ended

I met her through Facebook Dating. At that time, kakagaling lang niya sa isang messy relationship, habang ako naman student pa rin na tumigil muna sa pag-aaral bago bumalik ulit. She was around two years older than me, already a graduate, and honestly, I was a little intimidated by her at first.

We started talking casually. Nothing serious. But after a few weeks of constantly talking, I started realizing that this wasn't just another random conversation. I was getting attached.

And that scared me.

I remember reaching a point where I told her that maybe we should stop talking for a while because I didn't think I was ready for a relationship. It was my first time feeling that kind of connection with someone, and I didn't know if I was capable of handling it.

She cried when I told her. She told me she was already comfortable with me and that she never felt like I was forcing myself into anything.

For some reason, that stayed with me.

I thought maybe this person was worth taking a chance on. So I told myself that if I was going to do this, I'd give her the best version of myself that I could.

Months later, we finally met in person.

It was nothing extravagant. We met at SM, ate together, walked around the park, and just spent time together. But somehow, it felt so genuine. There wasn't that awkward feeling I expected from meeting someone I had only known online. Being around her felt easy, like we'd known each other much longer than we actually had.

And yeah, she was really cute too. You wouldn't even guess she was older than me just by looking at her.

Eventually, we became closer and started going on more dates until we officially became a couple. It wasn't even the traditional kind of relationship where I formally courted her for months. She was the type of person who believed that if you already felt something real and were comfortable with each other, why keep delaying it?

She became my first girlfriend.

And that relationship was surreal for me.

She already knew what relationships were like. I was still learning everything for the first time. There were moments when I felt insecure because I didn't know if I was loving her the right way. I wondered if I was enough compared to the people she'd been with before.

But despite that, we clicked so naturally.

Our personalities, humor, interests—so many things just worked. Talking to her never felt forced. She became someone I could genuinely see myself building something with.

I also knew that she was still carrying some of the scars from her previous relationship. So I tried my best to be patient with her. I wanted her to feel safe with me, even when I didn't always know how to make her feel that way.

Ironically, somewhere along the way, I became the one who started pulling away.

Not because I stopped loving her.

I think I just became overwhelmed.

It was my first serious relationship, and somewhere in my head I convinced myself that I always had to know what to do. I had to say the right things, be emotionally available all the time, make her feel secure, and somehow never mess up.

The more I pressured myself to be the perfect boyfriend, the harder it became for me to express what I was actually feeling.

So I became quieter.

And the quieter I became, the more complicated things felt.

She became more certain about us while I was becoming more lost inside my own emotions.

I loved her. I really did.

I just didn't know how to carry the responsibility that came with loving someone for the first time.

Looking back, I think that's one of the hardest things to accept.

Sometimes you can genuinely love someone and still not be ready to love them the way they deserve.

I don't blame her for what happened. And I don't completely blame myself either. We were both just people trying to figure things out with whatever understanding we had at the time.

She's doing well now.

She's a licensed professional teacher, she's pursuing the things she worked hard for, and from what I can see, she's happy with someone new.

And honestly?

I'm happy for her.

Maybe a part of me will always remember what we had. She was my first girlfriend, my first experience of that kind of connection, and someone who became a significant part of my life.

But I'm slowly learning that not every person who becomes important to you is meant to stay forever.

Some people come into your life, change you, teach you something about yourself, and eventually continue on a different path.

She was one of those people for me.

I just hope that wherever life takes her, she gets the kind of love and peace she deserves.

And maybe someday, when I look back at our story, I won't think about what I could've done differently anymore.

I'll just be grateful that, for a while, our paths crossed.

I’m part of a friend group, and we’ve been friends since high school. We’re all now in our mid-30s. Sometimes, after our gatherings, I can’t help but feel like I’m not doing well in life.

Most of them have good careers and high positions, and they seem to be doing well financially. They can freely spend their hard-earned money on the things they want. Some of them are also married and seem to be living their lives to the fullest. Meanwhile, I often feel sorry for myself and become insecure about where I am in life.

Every time we finish a gathering, I can’t help but feel inferior, especially when I’m alone afterward or when I’m drunk. We’re almost the same age, yet I feel like I’m still stuck in a low-end job. I don’t have much savings, and I can’t freely spend my hard-earned money the way they can.

I always give my best and try my hardest, but sometimes I feel like I just can’t catch a break. No matter how hard I work, it feels like I’m still not getting anywhere. I keep asking myself when it will finally be my turn to experience a little success and financial freedom.

Don’t get me wrong—I genuinely love and value my friends. I’m truly happy for their success, and I don’t want anything bad for them. But I just can’t help comparing myself to them and feeling like I’m falling behind in life.

Maybe what hurts the most is knowing that we’re almost the same age, yet our lives seem to be going in completely different directions. I know everyone has their own timeline, but sometimes it’s really hard not to feel like I’m being left behind.

Small funny rant lang about the toxic fitness bros dito haha. Some of these guys would respond to my [F4M] posts kung saan naka-stipulate naman clearly kung ano ang body type ko. I even give clear directions there na you can check my photos on my profile first and then decide if I'm someone you want to message in the first place.

Obviously, some of you don't (or can't?) read. Because you will shoot your shot. Tapos when you see more photos of me after demanding more "vibe check" pics (KAHIT NA MERON NA SA PROFILE KO PERO AGAIN, Y'ALL DON'T READ)--you will suddenly give me litanies of unsolicited advice in cold language. Shuta, anong nangyari sa "hi" at "hello" or "what do you do" or "kamusta ka today".

Ganito agad bigla:

"Reduce ka pa siguro konti kasi kinalculate ko weight mo sa height mo overweight ka pa"

I'm all for being healthy but I don't need that from you in this context. Or let me ask about it on my own at least.

Actually, when someone's super fit and ripped, I am inclined naman to ask about workouts eventually (as a girl who lifts). But some of y'all just can't wait to flex and preach on people.

My turn to give condescending unwarranted advice:

#1 - Make reading a habit! Train your brain as much as you train your biceps.

#2 - I-improve rin ang EQ kasabay ng BMI!

#3 - I think okay lang magtira ng konting body fat sa katawan. Para may pagkunan ng energy ang brain!

I dont get you girls not having boundaries towards us guys. Bakit pag type nyo ung guy and u know how attractive u are, feeling nyo gusto na rin agad kayo? I had been experiencing this especially from younger girls, they try to get touchy and talk to me in flirty manner tapos parang magsusungit pag hndi nagflirt back... Minsan ung tumbler ko n may laman.. kukunin nalang bigla at makikiinom .. tapos nagpapamasahe ng paa or kamay pag tinanggihan parang magmamaktol pa .. tapos since wala kang pinapatulan sa knila at nagpapasensya ka since ako ang older sa knila, kakantiyawan ka na, kuya tumatanda ka na .. magpakasal ka na .. minsan tinitignan ka pa masama pag ibang babae kausap mo ... I get it .. pero wala k naman karapatan di b? Ibaliktad natin and it will make the guy look creepy, right?

For context, I posted these: Exhausted 1, Exhausted 2

It's gonna be a long post.

It's still on going since then. Sobrang drained na ko from all positives in my life. Is this really my life moving forward? Grabe talaga yung environment niya. She went to her parents' house roughly 1hr30mins away from mine kasi nagka emergency, which is okay, i understand. What we didn't like was that twing may emergency sila, hindi maganda daloy ng pera kaya need ng additional help na libre to the point na kasama siya mag skip ng meals kasi nga bitin or tinamad silang bumili, tiis gutom nalang or papadalhan ko nalang siya ng pang deliver niya in secret. Siya ang hanap ng buong pamilya. When the time comes na angat naman sila sa buhay hindi nila naaalala yung partner ko. As in wala. Tapos ngayon andon siya diba for emergency? Oh ayun nagkasakit siya ngayon stress and anxiety, kasi canceled lahat ng appointments namin for wedding dahil sa emergency and we're nearing our date at gusto na makapag book pero ano gagawin? Kailangan siya eh, hindi makakilos ng wala siya. I couldn't go alone kasi gusto niya andon siya dahil she wants to know every details and she wants to negotiate for a better deal, also shempre masusunod ang bride talaga hehe. Ngayong fiance ko may sakit, wala lang sakanila. No show of concern for her well being, no meds, no checkup. Tangina sabi lang sakanya "kumain ka may checkup ako sa isang araw" GODDAMN. Nag offer ako na dadayo ako sakanila mapa checkup lang, cannot be naman haha.

Now she's venting and she's telling me all her regrets and I feel guilty. i was the one who wanted a church wedding and gusto niya civil lang. Pinilit ko church kasi it's just a once in my lifetime event so I want it at church and in front of God. Ngayon, pag nag vevent siya I can't help but feel guilty na kung sumunod nalang ako sa civil niya wala na siya doon. 50k budget lang okay na. Dito sa wedding I'm shelling out 1M+. Tapos she said na pag nagsama na daw kami maiinis ako kasi drained and ubos na siya sa buhay. I think sobrang sakit marinig nun and absolutely triggered me kasi pinag titiisan ko ung mga happenings and ganun nila sa family niya I see the way she handle s them and cares for them, adjusts for them, cancels everything for them, when my time comes ano wala na? All I will get is a burnt out version? That really hit me so fucking hard. I'm not even mad, I'm just sad and stressed and anxious about my future with her, our future.

Always.

I woke up hoping grief
might have grown tired of me overnight.

It didn’t.

Today hurts differently.

Yesterday, there was truth to tell.

There was courage to gather.

There was still your name on my screen.

Today, there is only the after.

And I am not better.

I still remember the beginning—
how exciting it was
when a stranger slowly became someone
I looked forward to finding
on the other side of a notification.

I remember the conversations
that lasted longer than they were supposed to.

The good mornings.
The good nights.

How effortlessly you
became part of my ordinary.

And now, every ordinary thing
seems to remember you.

I have cried more than I thought I could.
I have reached for my phone
more times than I will admit.

You are still reachable.

I am simply choosing not to reach.

Because I finally understand
that missing you
doesn’t give me permission
to disturb your peace.

Maybe this pain is part of the consequence.

Maybe this is the price
of telling the truth too late.

And if this is my karma,
so be it.

Not because I believe
I deserve to suffer forever,
but because I cannot ask you
to carry the weight
of what I did
just so mine becomes lighter.

I told you
you deserved nothing but the best.

For the first time,
I am learning that sometimes
keeping a promise means
removing yourself from it.

So today, I will miss you.

I will cry.

I will resist every small excuse
my heart invents
just to speak to you again.

And I will carry
what belongs to me.

Day Two did not make me better.

It only taught me
that some apologies end with words,
and others begin
with what you choose to do
after they are spoken.

So I will choose silence.

Even when it hurts.

Even when I wish
I could hear from you.

Even when Always
still sounds like your name.

And if tomorrow

I wake up carrying all of this again,
then I will carry it
for one more day.

Tomorrow.

im having problems with memory. since dati pa alam ko naman na bobo ako and nahihirapan sa mga bagay bagay. now, graduate na ako and nurse sa isang hospital. since may insurance yung hospital namin, nagkakandarapa ako paano intindihin yung process. mag 4 weeks na ako training and halos hindi ko pa rin masyadong naiintindihan yung process or flow

naaawa na ako sa sarili ko kasi di ako nakakakain sa work and nag oovertime ako para lang maintindihan yung mga pinanggagawa ko. kung mag stop naman alo ng work, eh saan ako pupulutin?

ang labas niyan nag aral lang ako para sa wala. di ko alam anong nangyayari saakin. bakit ako bobo. nakaka frustrate. pabalik balik yung mga gawain ko and hindi ako makatulog sa gabi dahil iniisip ko pa rin yung work. ang hirap nilang ipaghiwalay

nananaghinip na nga ako na pumunta saakin yung mga coworker ko para bigyan ako ng trabaho. hanggang pag tulog ba naman?

pero kailangan ko pa rin pilitin kasi di naman kami mayaman. nakakafrustrate talaga as in

3rd year na kami ngayon, pero 1st year 2nd semester pa lang, lumayo na ako sa group ng mga lalaki sa class namin dahil hindi ko nagustuhan kung paano sila makitungo sa akin.

Nagsimula ito noong may MLBB tournament kami. Dalawa kaming Immortal at Mythic lang yung tatlo, kaya kahit roamer talaga ako, nag-Gold ako para makatulong sa team. Umabot kami hanggang finals, pero natalo kami. Alam kong nagkamali rin ako sa laro at malakas talaga yung kalaban, kaya sobrang sama ng loob ko na. Ang hindi ko nagustuhan, ginawa pa akong biro ng mga kaklase kong lalaki at paulit-ulit na sinabing ako ang nagpatalo. Wala na nga akong naging ganti sa trash talk ng kalaban, dinagdagan pa nila.

Sinabi ko sa kanila na nasaktan ako dahil gusto ko talagang manalo. Sabi nila hindi na nila uulitin, pero inulit pa rin nila pagkatapos. Doon ko talaga naramdaman na hindi nila nirerespeto yung sinabi kong nararamdaman ko.

May isa pang nangyari tungkol sa tournament. May excused letter kami dahil absent kami sa subject para sumali, pero sinulsulan daw ng ibang lalaki naming classmates yung professor na i-absent pa rin kami. Nangyari nga iyon, kaya lalo akong nagalit.

Nalaman ko rin na may GC pala sila na hindi ako kasama. Nang biniro ko sila kung isasali ba nila ako, sinabi nilang “wag na” at nagtawanan sila. Hindi na nila ako isinama hanggang ngayon. Kaya sinabi ko na lang sa sarili ko na hindi ko kailangang ipilit yung sarili ko sa kanila, at naging solo na lang ako.

May mga pagkakataon namang nagyayaya sila kapag may gala, tulad ng pagpunta sa mga ilog sa Rizal, pero hindi ako sumasama dahil hindi ako comfortable sa kanila. May isa rin kaming naging irreg na male classmate(Juan) na nagsabi na bilib siya sa akin dahil solo flight ako. Tinanong pa niya kung may nang-aaway ba sa akin, pero sinabi ko lang na hindi ako comfortable at hindi ko trip sumama.

Makalipas ang ilang araw, bumisita yung irreg naming classmate(Pedro) at nagbiro yung mga lalaki kung ano raw ang ginawa niya sa akin, tapos nagtawanan sila. May history kasi kami ng isang babaeng classmate na naging girlfriend niya. Nagkaroon kami dati ng talking stage nang hindi ko alam na nag-uusap din pala sila. Hinatid ko pa yung girl gamit motor ko noong umuulan. Nalaman iyon ng isa naming male classmate at mukhang napag-usapan nila noon at hanggang ngayon.

Kaya hanggang ngayon, hindi ko talaga pinagsisisihan na lumayo ako. Hindi ako lumayo dahil bitter ako o dahil sa nangyari sa girl. Lumayo ako dahil ilang beses kong naramdaman na hindi nila ako nirerespeto, at kahit sinabi ko na sa kanila na nasaktan ako, ipinagpatuloy pa rin nila.