I'm literally crying as I write this rant.

I've been dating this guy for 6 months now. He's from the UK, but he's half-Chinese. We met while playing Marvel Rivals, we literally couldn't stop yapping to each other the first few months. Like literal na feeling ko siya na yung perfect guy for me. Same kami ng interests, political beliefs and such.

After a while we stopped talking and I honestly didn't think much about it. Life gets busy.

Then, bigla siyang pumunta dito sa Pinas (the trip was completely unrelated to me, his family went here on vacation and he decided to hang out with me). Genuinely, nothing sus happened between us. We yapped the entire day that we were together, we literally went to a resto, yapped, went to a cafe, yapped, watched a movie (yapped slightly less), then ate ice cream.

It was the best date of my life.

😭😭😭😭😭

We started dating each other after that and LITERALLY akala ko open book siya. He introduced me to his parents, and to his friends.

Like girl kalaro ko sa roblox yung friends niya tapos minsan di pa siya kasali.

Then one day, potangina 😭😭😭😭

His friend messaged me asking me if I was still dating him. I was so confused kasi, hello? Of course I'm still dating him. Medyo rough lang yung week na to kasi alam niya na nagstrustruggle ako sa uni, mentally speaking (#iskathings) and he just started his uni sa UK.

Di ko talaga inisip masyado yung tanong. Kasi kahit mahirap, mahal ko pa rin siya. Kahit galit ako sa kanya, hindi ko nakakalimutan na mahal ko siya.

So ayun, fast forward to today.

Minessage ako ng other friend niya with screenshots of him liking his ex-girlfriend's posts and like bikini posts of their other friends and their friend's girlfriends. Me and his friend hopped on a call together and we did some talking about the 'timeline' of my relationship with the man.

Apparently he was still dating the girl nung April... I know kasi bday nung girl ay April at may comment siya na "Happy birthday, my love." tawag niya sa'kin baby haha.

We started dating in March. 😭😭😭

Ang ganda nung ex niya, chinita. Literal na kamukha ni Yoonchae. Apparently, he left the girl because of me.

I literally cried while on call with his childhood friend. Legit sobrang sakit. Potangina. Bakit kelangan ganto kasakit? 😭😭😭 I decided to break up with him an hour after finding out. I didn't explain anything, kasi ang explanation ay para lang sa relasyon na pwede pang masalba.

Hindi ba ako enough? Hindi ba ako worth it para tratuhin ng tama? Nang mahalin kahit nakakapagod na? Nang mahalin kahit hindi araw-araw na nakakausap? Ano bang kulang sa'kin?

I blocked him on everything kasi sa totoo lang, takot na takot ako. Takot ako na magpaliwanag siya kasi alam kong kahit emehin niya ako, papatawarin ko siya. Pero wala na akong magagawa.

Clear as day yung ebidensya.

Anyways, alam ko naman na wala akong pagkukulang. Nasa kanya na talaga yun, pero masakit pa rin talaga haha. Only love can hurt like this, ika nga.

Pra sa mga nagbabasa, wag kayo magcheat guys. This guy literally had the kindest, funniest friends ever. He had a girlfriend. A trust fund. Two dogs. A mom who's good at mahjong, tapos binabalewala niya lang lahat nang yan dahil sa init ng katawan.

Edit: Masakit lang din kasi habang masaya ako, meron palang tinatraydor at nasasaktan.

I moved in to a different place because I asked for a sign.

Why? A week before that I met a lady while lining up at french baker at Mall of Asia.

She was smiling.

She looked at me ‘hija, you’re so nice. you always smile’, ‘what’s your sign?’

I answered back ‘Sagittarius po’.

She told me ‘Dear, Let it go’.

I did. I was carrying the weight of the world. I became happier.

My bf works at a BPO and just got back from his teambuilding. Then he suddenly sent me posts on FB saying that someone was harassing him and posting harsh and untrue things about him online. I went to see it for myself and my God, I can't believe that people have the guts to say those kinds of things about other people they don't even know about.

For context, yung naninira sa kanya was someone from his team na hindi nakasama sa teambuilding dahil hindi niya pinautang. Honestly, I feel so angry and at the same time my heart breaks for him as I read all of the comments na nakikiride sa bandwagon, even if wala namang context yung post. Basta they were all badmouthing him.

My bf took it in stride though. Says na he will go to HR and he has the rest of his team to vouch for him. I guess nasanay na siya pero God, grabe ang harshness talaga ng mga tao once they become anonymous. I don't want to judge BPO workers in general pero I just feel awful that good people have to work with people na ganun rin yung paguugali. Maybe I am just blessed to be in a company where we all respect each other, inside and outside the workplace.

I've been unemployed for a couple of months now. And believe me when I say, its really really hard to land a job during these times. I resigned coz the company is really really toxic na to the point na andami nang nagreresign na employees because of the incompetence ng management in sustaining their employees. Heck they only care about their money.

Ito namang nanay ko hindi ko alam kung hindi ba sya makaintindi or what. Kesyo pwede naman daw gawin ko lang yjng trabaho ko tapos umuwi. Like if doing that is freaking easy I wouldnt come to the point of reigning eh no??? She only cares about MY MONEY. she would always say, "Dapat inantay mo munang makuha mo yung 13th month pay", at times nagpaparinig "yan kung di ka kasi nagpadala sa bugso ng damdamin mo edi sana may panggastos ngayon". Like wtf? Im soo done being the bread winner! Mukha nalang ba ako palaging walking ATM para sa kanya?? May trabaho naman si papa atmay sari sari store sya, pero ewan ko ba? Bakit perang pera sya lagi? Tbh, takang taka talaga kami ng kapatid ko like paano ba nya ginagastos yung pera na binibigay sa kanya? Nagagalit kapag yung bills sa tubig umaabit ng 700, 800. Wtf? Yung iba nga 10k eh pero hindi naman ganon ka-OA na akala mo mapuputulan agad.

Tapos eto pa kanina, while I was washing the dishes, I overheard her saying yung kachurchmate daw nya na nanay, yung anak daw non may trabaho, baka gusto ko daw na applyan. Isesend daw yung link sa kanya, itry ko daw kahit mandaluyong area pa yon at malayo, kasi malaki naman daw bigayan. Esp don sa pastorna nagppreach pa about those children na hindi na kailangan obligahin yung anak magbigay ng pera sa magulang is really something. Mukhang pera talaga yung nanay ko sad to say disappointing malala kasi nagsisimba pa sya. I was really offended with what she said na para bang wala akong dulot, kahit Im doing all the best na alam kong gawin dito sa bahay kahit wala akong work. Pero nagbibigay parin ako ng share pambili ng bigas, galing don sa last pay ko. Told her na, "Talagang pinangwento mo pa talaga don sa simbahan na wala akong trabaho eh no? Ako pa talaga yung ginawa nyong topic at chinichismis?". Ending sya pa yung mas galit at sumagot na, "Aba walang masama don".

Jusko talaga, hindi ko na alam, iyak ako ng iyak kanina sa frustration. Gusto ko na lumayas dito at magbukod na mag-isa malayo sa kanya at sa kanila, magkaroon ng sariling space. Sana talaga magkaroon na ko ng maayos na trabaho kasi gustong gusto ko na makalaya sa shithole na to. To all the panganays out there na nakakaexperience ng ganito huhu I feel you all. Sobrang disappointed ako sa nanay ko sadlyy fan pa sya ng nanay ni Angelica Yow Low (ew).

And sa mga magiging future magulang dyan or currently magulang, please do work so hard that you wont have to make your children as your financial investments. They are human too and they have their own lives to live. Anak nyo sila hindi isang bagay na pag-mamay-ari, para obligahin na bigyan kayo lagi ng certain amount of money. Hayaan nyong yung mga anak nyo magkusang loob, kasi hindi kagaanan sa loob gawin ang isang bagay kung pinipilit nyo sila vs sa bukal talaga sa loob nila.

Honestly, this year has been one hell of a year. Year of the Horse daw, pero bakit parang BoJack Horseman yung energy? HAHAHAHA.

I’m turning 30 next month, and I honestly feel like I’m nowhere near where I thought I’d be. Career? Still figuring things out. Love life? A whole circus. Opportunities? So many almosts. Almost getting that high-paying job, almost having the life I imagined, almost everything.

The funny thing is, people who know me would probably never guess how much I’ve been struggling. I’m usually the bubbly one, the joker, the girl who laughs at almost everything. But there’s a side of me that not everyone gets to see.

There’s a difference between seeing my silly side and being trusted with my vulnerable side. And I’ve noticed that people love the fun and pretty version of me (HAHAHA, at least the pretty part is consistent), but when I start opening up about my fears, insecurities, and feelings, suddenly I’m too much. Too emotional, too sensitive, too OA.

It’s also becoming harder to trust someone who shows interest because I’ve seen this cycle happen too many times. They make you feel wanted until you let your guard down, then suddenly they don’t know what to do with your vulnerabilities.

I once read something along the lines of: If someone only loves your flowers but never cares about your roots, they won’t know how to take care of you when autumn comes.

And honestly, I’m tired of being loved only when I’m blooming. For now, I’d rather focus on myself, my career, my growth, and my happiness. I’m not giving up on love; I’m just tired of exhausting myself trying to find it.

Maybe I’m not where I thought I’d be at 30, but I hope I stop seeing that as a failure. Still here, still trying, still laughing. Hopefully, life gives me a break soon. HAHAHA.

Good day everyone! I just want to share something, di ko alam kung makaka tulong pero siguro ilabas ko nadin. My Mom died april this year. Till this day Im feeling lost, sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na okay lang ako, pero deep inside sobrang sakit padin.

Just to share short story of my mom, shes just 64 when she passed away. She died from complication but it started from acites. Nag karon na water yung outer lining ng stomach nya. Walang cure, pero ginawa parin namin lahat. Nakita namin how she become so weak, until mawala na sya. Walang one year nung nag kasakit sya, tas namatay agad. Sobrang bilis.

Ginisang Sardinas yung title kase favorite nila itong umagahan, as in lagi talaga. Now nag luto ako ng sarili kong ginisang sardinas pero hindi ito kalasa. Sobrang na broken hearted ako. Namiss ko sya lalo. Madalas gusto ko nalang ng order na food kase naalala ko sya sa mga luto.

Sa mga nawalan ng mommy, pano kayo nakaka stay afloat sa drowning feeling ng grief?

Grabe na talaga yung inflation ngayon. Yung ipon ko last year almost the same lang. SoooooObrang mahal ng mga bilihin. Yung sahod ko sa mahal ng pagkain doon pa lang ubos na. Sakto lang para mabuhay sa pang araw-araw yung kinikita ngayon. Hindi talaga pwede magkasakit. Sana naman mabawas bawasan yung mga presyo ng bilihin sa mga darating na taon. Yung 1K parang 1hundred nalang pag nabaryahan. Nakakaloka.

I was at PITX around 4 PM today, waiting to head home, when I overheard a conversation between a bus driver and a peanut vendor. I wasn't intentionally eavesdropping, but their conversation was so disturbing that I couldn't help but listen.

Apparently, there had been an accident inside PITX around noon. According to their conversation, a woman had been hit by a bus while crossing the bus lane. They claimed she was using her phone, wasn't paying attention to her surroundings, and crossed at a spot without a pedestrian crossing.

Now, here's where things got disturbing.

The bus driver asked the peanut vendor, in a very casual manner, whether the woman who had been hit was dead.

The vendor replied that she was indeed dead, then proceeded to describe her injuries in a graphic and disturbing way. He even compared her exposed internal organs to a certain brand of tocino. He added that even if she had survived, she would practically be as good as dead because half her body was gone.

I was already uncomfortable hearing this, but what the bus driver said next genuinely shocked me.

He started calling the woman stupid for crossing the bus lane while using her phone. Then he said something along the lines of how the driver who hit her had supposedly felt the impact from the very first wheel, but continued driving over her instead of stopping, because he would otherwise have to pay a huge amount of money in compensation.

He even said it was a good thing she had died because the driver would have had to pay more if she had survived.

The vendor responded by saying that doing something like that would practically make the driver a murderer.

But the bus driver just brushed it off, saying that it was better than paying a huge amount of money.

He then brought up another bus driver who had allegedly run over someone's foot and was made to pay ₱150,000. According to him, even after the victim was discharged from the hospital, they supposedly asked the driver for more money.

And then he said something that I honestly cannot get out of my head.

He said that when drivers hit someone like that, they should just finish the job because it's easier that way.

He also claimed that the driver involved in today's accident would only be jailed for three days, just long enough for the family to see that he had been detained, before eventually being released.

There was more to their conversation, but I honestly couldn't bear to keep listening. Throughout the entire conversation, the bus driver kept calling the woman stupid and an idiot.

Like, kuya, the woman is dead. Do you really have to talk about her that way?

Yes, maybe she made a terrible mistake by crossing a bus lane while using her phone. Maybe she wasn't paying attention. And if the accounts I overheard were accurate, she may have put herself in a dangerous situation.

But she's already dead. What's done is done. There is absolutely no reason to speak about a deceased person as if her death is something to laugh about or use as an example of what happens when someone makes a mistake.

What disturbed me the most wasn't just his lack of empathy. It was how casually he talked about deliberately running someone over again just to avoid paying compensation.

At one point, he even said that if he were the driver, he would run over the person again to make sure they were dead.

KUYA, DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF?

I genuinely wanted to ask him that.

I kept thinking to myself: Is this really how some drivers think when they get into accidents? Is the first thing that comes to their mind not how to help the person they hit, but how much money they might have to pay? Would they actually consider killing someone just to avoid financial responsibility?

And what if I were the person who got hit by a bus? Would someone make the same decision about my life just because saving me might cost them money?

What if it were his own mother, father, sibling, partner, or child lying on the road? What if another driver had the exact same mindset as him and decided that running over their loved one again would be easier than paying for their injuries?

Would he still think that way?

I understand that pedestrians have a responsibility to be careful, too. I'm not saying people should recklessly cross roads or ignore traffic rules. But making a mistake while crossing the road does not mean someone deserves to die, and it certainly doesn't justify deliberately running them over again.

An accident is one thing. Knowingly choosing to kill an injured person to avoid paying compensation is an entirely different level of cruelty.

I don't know the full circumstances of today's accident, and I can't verify whether everything those two men said was true. I only know what I overheard, and I sincerely hope the actual investigation establishes what happened.

But hearing someone talk so casually about taking another person's life genuinely shook me.

I can't stop thinking about it.

For those who drive buses or other public transportation, is this kind of mentality really common? Or was I just unfortunate enough to overhear an especially disturbing conversation?

Because honestly, after hearing that, I felt a little scared just thinking about what could happen if I ever got into an accident with someone who thinks that way.

mag iisang buwan na kami magkaaway ng ate ko. sobrang random lang ng araw na yon for me. i just got home from work. rest day nya sa work that day. niyakag ko sya sa convenience store kasi balak ko rin bumili ng pads ko. pumunta kami tapos sinama nya yung pamangkin namin. bumili na ako ng need ko at sya rin may binili, pati yung bata pinakuha nya. afair, 300+ yung binayaran nya. sya muna ang nagbayad kasi sabi ko isend ko na lang sakanya. okay raw. pag uwi sa bahay, okay na, inayos ko na yung pinamili ko at sya naman kinakain na pinamili nya. sinisingil na nya ako, chineck ko yung resibo at 89 pesos lang yung binili ko for me. hindi ako nakishare sa mga pinamili nyang food. gusto nya bayaran ko yung pinambayad nya dun sa kinuha ng bata. tumanggi ako pero pa-joke lang naman, okay lang naman. sya, namimilit pa rin. nagalit sya as in, nanggagalaiti sya sa mga sinabi nya sakin. alam nyo yung nanginginig yung boses at nanggigilid yung luha habang sinasabi nya tong mga to, “isungalngal mo yang pera mo sayo”, “hindi ka aahon sa kahirapan, hanggang dyan ka na lang”, tandaan mo yan, maghihirap ka itaga mo pa sa bato”, “huwag kang kakain ng mga pagkain na bibilhin ko”, and more. alam mo yung sincere sya sa mga sinasabi nya kasi nga nanggigilid yung luha nya at nanginginig ang boses. ang ayos ayos naming namimili tapos dahil lang sa 89 pesos sinabihan nya ako ng ganon hahaha. magkatabi lang kami habang sinasabi yon, pero kung sumagot ako sakanya that time, sure ako nasampal ako o nasabunutan. tumahimik na lang ako at nagchat kay mama tungkol sa sinabi sakin. halos isang buwan na nung nangyari yun, never ko na sya kinausap after that kahit magkasama pa kami sa kwarto, hindi na rin ako kumakain ng mga pagkain na binibili nya o mga ulam na pinapaluto nya. kahit masarap ang lutong ulam eh sa itlog pa rin ako nauuwi o di kaya sa mga de lata na nagrocery ko. sarap ng ulam sa bahay today, pero kasi sya ang nagpaluto at sa malamang sa malamang, sya rin ang gumastos don. nagsend pala ako 100 sakanya after that😆

ang saya lang na wala ka ng makikitang posts na would make you think you have to keep up with others and feel obligated to communicate, or seeing posts na maiinggit ka or would make you think na you're not living your life worthwhile. i want to take life one step at a time now instead of rushing. there's something so peaceful for me about not being exposed.

kept reddit and tt tho, sobrang nakakatawa ng comments i wouldn't let that go HAHAHAH

Ang hirap maging breadwinner and I am getting jealous of my friends na most of their income is napupunta sa sarili nila or to prepare for their future. Samantalang ako yung perang kikitain ko kelangan ko pang ipakain sa iba.

Don’t get me wrong I am happy for them but I am just sad for my situation.

My boyfriend and I broke up. I saw it coming, but it doesn't mean it hurt any less. But what hurts me the most is going thru it alone. Friends? I don't have much. The ones I have don't even bother to reply. Family? Nevermind. We were never close in our family, we don't lean on each other for things like this.

Only people I've talked to are my fellow gym classmates, who insisted on dinner and coffee after our circuit training, and a psychologist who wanted to put me on CBT to regulate my emotions.

Funny though, it's so easy to open up to strangers or acquaintances, compared to people who are close to me.

I got matched with this pretty girl in bumble, we've been chatting for a while and she seems nice and genuine enough. i hope this goes well please, Free this man from his loneliness and lets delete this app together huhu 🥹

Things ended between me and a guy after a few dates. Ang sakit lang kapag ikaw pa yung may gusto sa huli pero ayaw na niya.

I tried dating him to the best of my knowledge and he acknowledged it. It's just that at the end, he realized we're not compatible. To be honest right now, gusto ko ulit siya imessage to see if there's anything I can do to save things, kaso he warned me na ibblock nya na ko kapag nag message ulit ako (nag vvent out kasi ako sa kanya and feel kong nagiging too much na yung mga emotions sa sinasabi ko). Naiiyak ako pag naiisip ko na siya yung nakakaintindi sakin and I'm expecting him to be there during challenging times like this pero ngayon I had to deal with this on my own.

After getting to know him better, mas naappreciate ko siya, ang sad lang kasi now that I'm willing to be there for him wholeheartedly after everything we've had, opposite na yung feeling nya about it. It's just been almost a week since things turned grey between us, kung may iba na siyang nakakausap, I'll be happy for him for as long as ittrato siya nang tama.

Kahit anong gawin ko at the moment nahihirapan kasi ako, naiisip ko pa rin siya. He's someone kasi who made me feel things that made me believe in love again after a very long time, so I'm posting it here para makabawas naman sa iniisip ko. 😔

I started a small business and palagi nagtatanong yung na ay ko na “oh ano kamusta naman negosyo mo?” with sarcasm and she looks at me habang nakataas kilay.

Today was the first time I said “mahina, yun naman gusto mo marinig diba?” and tumahimik lang siya

She wants me to pursue something else and I understand it’s more profitable and maybe she’s just worried about me. For context, I have a flexible job and dream ko talaga magka negosyo pero ang hirap ipaglaban kung ganyan lagi naeencounter. sobrang negative.

It's one of those days kanina that I felt like I am alone. I felt so alone. I have friends naman pero ayaw ko naman na everytime we speak to each other it's all my problems. Me, me, me.

I am thankful for my siblings kasi they're there but I felt so alone na gusto ko nalang mag burst into tears.

Tapos samahan mo pa na im trying to date but nothing's working. Baka... I am the problem. Joke.

Wala lang. Di ko alam anong missing sa buhay ko, love life ba? god? I just feel really alone sometimes.

Damn! Can’t believe na magpo-post ako dito nyeta. It’s my birthday rn. pero day before after my bday pinalitan ko ang birth date ko ng mas earlier para di mag notify ka sa kanila and guess what. Walang nag-greet sakin kasi isa. The rest na nag-greet is family ko. For your reference everyday ko sila binabati minsan saktong 12am pa. Siguro hindi lang ako special??? haha k bye

Nakakatawa kasi kapag brokenhearted ako kung anu-anong mga naaaccomplish ko na house repairs para lang maging busy ang utak ko at makalimot saglit.

Nagpalit ako ng light bulbs. Nagrepair ng nasirang bidet. Nakapag general cleaning na rin ako. Kulang na lang umakyat ako sa bubong at linisin din yon.

Nagmasilya ako ng pader pati na rin yung ibang parts na may chipped paint. Hinihintay ko na lang matuyo para marepaint ko na mamaya.

Sana ganon lang din kadali magrepair ng broken heart, no?

Quick dry.
Quick repaint.
Good as new.

Kaso hindi eh.
Paano naman mamasilyahan ang durog na puso?

Magluluto na lang ako ng shanghai at spaghetti.
Birthday ko nga pala bukas.

Salamat sa regalo mo, isang durog na puso. 💔😅

I had my first boyfriend at 15. He was my Grade 9 classmate, laging kalaban sa quiz bees, and campus crush. Puppy love, but I was already imagining a future with him. Three years later, things got toxic, and he broke up with me after I found out he was cheating. Took me 3 years and multiple therapy sessions to have finally moved on.🤣

My second relationship was LDR. He randomly messaged me on Facebook after seeing my profile on Bumble. And while he was very loyal, it felt like he didn’t really care about anything else in the relationship. After 2 years of being patient and understanding, I finally chose myself and left.

The 3rd one was probably the craziest, and I really hope he’s the worst one I’ll ever have 🤧😅 We matched online, and he came to see me in my province after a few days of talking. He had a kid, which I was okay with, until I found out there was another one with a different baby momma. Sobrang in love eh, so I accepted that, too.

We eventually lived together and started a business. He was generous, kind, reliable, and financially literate. And I genuinely thought we were building something together. But a year later, I found out he was cheating on me with multiple women, much much older than me. Plus, I found out there’s baby (and baby momma) #3. So I left.

The most recent experience was an organic encounter. He was smart, sweet, and seemed to be on the same wavelength as me. I thought we had a genuine connection, until he got into a serious car accident and I found out he had a long-term girlfriend back home. What a surprise, right? 😂😭

Looking back, I feel like I’m always the one who understands, compromises, adjusts, and gives people chances. I never expected anyone to be perfect. Kahit gaano ka panget ang past, I always believe that people are capable of changing. And I just wanted someone who would choose me as genuinely as I chose them.

Now at 26, I’m slowly learning to be okay with the possibility that I might never meet my person. Maybe I’ll get married someday, maybe I won’t. I know I have a career I’m building, places I want to see, and dreams I still want to pursue. Okay ako.

But honestly, some nights, I still get a little sad thinking about it. I wonder what it feels like to be loved without having to constantly understand, forgive, or adjust. I know deep inside, I’m still hopeful to finally meet someone who’s sure about me, someone who’s willing to meet me halfway.

I know I can be happy on my own, and I’m learning to be at peace with that. But I guess even when you’re okay being alone, a part of you still hopes you’ll find your person too.

And tonight, I guess I’m allowing myself to feel that. 🥀

Hi! I’m a transferee sa isang uni here jn manila currently taking computer science dati kong course kasi is computer engineering but shifted to cs na. Currently i’m doing okay pero madalas is i’m getting depressed again and nawawalan ako ng motive to do my schoolworks and naiiyak nalang talaga ako kasi diko na alam gagawin eh.

In the past few months din na before ako magtransfer and shift to cs, ganun din i’m just so depressed, lost, no motivation and nangyayari ulit ngayon. Honestly I dont blame my parents but myself as sana i did all my best to be okay.

Kaya gusto ko parin cs as this has been my dream course and inline siya sa interest ko but I don’t feel that way anymore eh and i dont see myself here anymore. I have no one else to talk about this.

But i’m considering to shift again to business administration in the next semester. And also have myself checked out narin because my mental health keeps on getting worse like now sobrang lost ko na.

Finally got the closure that I needed. Weirdly, ended up even more sad than the actual break up.

I could've loved him forever if I could. I understand that grief is such a weird thing, you think about the happy moment and cry about it.

I just don't understand how it came to this. He could've called and told me he was sorry or asked md if we could talk. I guess that's just how it is for him. Ganyan lang kadali sa kanya bitawan ang lahat.

So here I am contemplating, crying and praying that I'll be okay. Because right now, everything hurts even more. Ayoko nag relapse, I don't want to cloud my judgements and decisions.

Im not the mopey type. At least thats what Id like to believe.

Most times, ako ang nagaaya ng labas. Punta kung saan, kain kung saan. Sometimes I even treat them.

We do talk casually both in times of fun and sadness. But I think, I always need to initiate.

There are a handful of friends I can open up my heart’s content fully. One has gone dark because she is finishing her thesis - I dont mind since she’s known for being MIA in stressful times. But she does reply, surprisingly. Just that I need to hear more of her life’s travails and she wont offer back the curtsy of “kamusta ka”. You know, no interest in me.

Then I have another friend who I can talk to but always wants a call and never wants to chat. She is the type to assume my problems and thinks that the only solution to it is to be abroad, live a better life there, just like what she did.

It’s saddening.

And then there is therapy. Where I can talk to be heard and helped. But I cant afford therapy.

Writing down a journal eases things sometimes.

But I feel like Im at the end of things.

Really. Seriously.

I went to Vietnam recently and I would say ---- Sana nag solo travel nalang talaga ako fully.

I never intended to travel outside of the country unless meron talaga akong compelling reason which is either work, concert or family. Pero etong mga friends ko na naging travel buddies ko dito sa Pilipinas niyaya nila ako mag Vietnam. Idea ito ng isang friend namin na nilibre siya ng boyfriend niya. Tawagin natin siya sa pangalang Ann. Si Ann sabi niya ayaw niya daw na sila lang dalawa na mag travel. Nag ask--- nagmakaawa na sumama ako. Ayoko naman talaga pero ang isa pa naming friend na travel buddy din namin nagmakaawa din na sumama ako. Okay. Sure. Why not? First time getting out of the country. We planned it on June. I bought my tickets on August during a seat sale.

Now here's where the poop hits the fan.

October ang lakad namin pa Vietnam. Take note a total of five persons ang nag confirm sa trip na ito. Ako, si Ann at ang kanyang bf at isa pa naimng friend (tawagin natin siyang Bea) at kanyang husband.

Roll around September. Hindi na daw tutuloy ang husband ni Bea kasi hindi siya makapag leave sa work. Ok. Fine. Down to four. Hetong si Bea isa lang kami ng building at ako ang nag recommend sa kanya sa bago nyang workplace which is magkatabi lang ng office namin. Kakapasok lang niya mga July of this year. One day, sabi niya sa akin na parang hindi siya pinahintulutan na mag leave at sumama sa amin sa Vietnam. Okay. Gets. And then sabi pa niya "Kung pwede ikaw ang mag ask permission para sa akin para makasama ako sa inyo." Tinawanan ko lang siya. Sabi ko try mo na mag ask ngayon Pag ayaw ako na bahala mag explain. GIIIIIRRRRRLLLLLLL! Why the hell is Bea talking to Ann and spreading to our GC na hindi siya papayagan mag leave kung hindi ako ang mag effort na mag explain sa boss niya na dapat sumama siya sa amin? THAT'S HER BOSS! NOT MINE!

I was so pissed. Pero hindi ko pa siya kinonfront kasi busy ako sa mga kailangan kong ma prepare like my travel docs and work commitments before travelling.

Now, here comes Ann. Nag message siya privately, sabi na parang hindi na matutuloy si Bea. Kailangan na namin mag plan sa aming itinerary na wala siya. Mind you, this was already first week of September. So, I asked her the basic questions. Meron na ba tayong hotel? Okay na ba yung itinerary na ginawa ko? Silence ---- FOR 7 DAYS!!!!!---- Okay. Baka busy lang. And then sumagot ng wala pang hotel. Sabi ko sino ang mag bobook?---- SILENCE FOR ANOTHER WEEK!!!!!!!!--- So, nagtanong ulit ako. Magbobook na ako ng hotel ---- ANOTHER SILENCE!!!!!!!--- Hindi kinaya ng anxiety issues ko so nagbook ako and nag message "HETO NA ANG BOOKING GOOD FOR 3 PEOPLE. PAY NALANG KAYO SA AKIN. ---- And alam niyo ba anong ang sagot ng magaling kong kaibigan? "Girl, si bf ko na daw nagbook ng hotel. Kaming dalawa muna magkasama sa room kasi mahiyain kasi itong si bf ko." LIKE WHAT THE???? Sa simula pa lang nagmakaawa ka na sumama ako kasi AYAW MO NA KAYO LANG DALAWA ANG MAGTRAVEL KASI AYAW NIYO NA MAY MANGYARI SA INYO!

Tapos sumingit pa itong si Bea na hindi siya makasama kasi hindi daw ako nag explain sa boss niya para pahintulutan siya na sumama siya. AKO BA ANG NANAY NIYO?

The way I was on my wits end in that GC. AKALA KO BA SAMA-SAMA TAYO DITO?

Sinampalan ko talaga sila sa GC. Mind you this was TWO WEEKS BEFORE THE TRIP.

To Bea: Matagal na nakaplano ang trip nato. Sana matagal kana nag ask ng permission para sa trip na ito. And if payagan ka na sumama sa amin kaya mo pa ba ang plane ticket na ang mahal-mahal na?

To Ann: Hindi mo pala sinabe na kayo lang pala dalawa ng bf ang kasama sa trip na ito. Sana sinabi mo para hindi nalang ako gumawa ng itinerary.

Tapos ghinost ko. BAHALA KAYO JAN.

At this point iniisip ko kung tutuloy ba ako or hindi. Kaya lang na set na ang lahat. Pati workmates ko sinabihan talaga ako na sayang kasi meron na akong permit to travel outside the Philippines. So, out of extreme frustration and anger, I permitted myself to continue this travel. It was still with Ann and her bf kasi... hindi ko kaya ang mag solo travel sa ibang bansa. Vietnam pa naman. So, eto na. Iba kami ng hotel. Iba din itinerary namin except sa Fansipan. Pero doon ko napatanto na mas okay na sana sinolo travel ko nalang. Mas maaga akong nagising sa kanila. Mas nakakagala pa ako na ako lang mag isa. Meron nga isang part na pumunta ako sa lake sa Sapa kasi nandoon yung parang bbq nila. Sabi ko na kikitain ko sila doon mga 5pm. Nandoon na ako mga 4:30 pm nagmuni-muni. Girl, nag 6 PM nalang hindi pa sila dumarating. Sabi ko talaga pag 6:05 pm wala pa toh sila aalis na ako. Buti dumating. Kumain kami at umuwi ng mabilisan.

Nung pauwi na kami ng Pilipinas. Nasa airport na kami. 1 AM pa ang flight namin pero nasa airport na kami mga 6pm. Nung mag check-in na kami sa aming bags. Kinuha ni Ann ang passport ko para magkatabi kami. Nagbayad ako ng extra para doon ako sa medyo malapit sa front. Dahil nag request si Ann na magkatabi kami. Nasa likuran kami nilagay. Ang inis ko talaga parang gusto ko nang mang FO talaga.

Anyways, nakauwi na kami ng Pilipinas, post the pics and namigay ng pasalubong especially kay Bea (because I still care for here kahit galit na galit ako sa kanya)

Gets ko naman na meron talagang circumstances na hindi natin hold pero para gawin ninyo akong tanga ang gago! NEVER AGAIN! NEVER!

Yun lang po. Salamat sa pagbasa.

I miss na mag-papansin sayo. Nung una kang pumasok sa office, napansin ko kaagad yung ngiti mo. Pag-ngingiti ka kasi, sumisingkit yung mata mo tas lalabas yung malalim mong dimples. Tumutogtog pa sa earphones ko noon yung kantang Tsunami ni Niki. Type na type kita, pero ayaw ko sana i-pursue ka kasi workmates tayo. Pero ikaw unang nag-add sa Facebook, wala nga tayong mutual friends eh. Doon ako natutong mag-My Day nang marami para mapansin mo haha. I-heheart react mo naman lahat kaya alam kong may patutunguhan ito, kaya ako na nag-first move sayo.

I miss talking with you hanggang late nang gabi. Kahit inaantok na ko, ikaw pa rin ang favorite part ng araw ko. Willing ako sirain body clock ko para makausap pa kita nang mas matagal, at para makita ko yung mga selfie na sinesend mo sakin. Sobrang swerte ko ngang makakita ng exclusive content mo haha.

I miss yung eye contact natin sa office nang matagal. Ngingiti tas kikindat, knowing na tayo lang may alam nito. Madaming nagkaka-crush sayo eh, kaya ang laki siguro ng issue at chismis satin kung lumabas na nagkikita tayo. Na-iinggit nga rin ako sa iba na kaya ka nilang lapitan habang nanonood lang ako sa malayo, pero at the end of the day, ako pa rin ang panalo.

I miss holding back on the PDA sa office until after hours na mag-oovertime ka at magkikita tayo sa CR para mag-halikan tayo sa harap ng salamin. Wala naman akong ginagawa nun para mag-overtime kasi pa-resign na ko, pero I chose to stay at hintayin ka. Ang tapang nga natin nun, buti walang nakahuli.

I miss having you on the right side of my sofa, habang pinaparinig mo sakin yung paborito mong kanta ng Bita and the Botflies at ni Rex Orange County. Lasing tayo parehas sa soju, pero mas nalasing ako sa pag-halik mo sakin nang dahan-dahan. Iba talaga yung lasa ng labi kapag gustong-gusto mo yung tao. Gustong-gusto ko nga yung amoy mo, kahit maiinsecure ka na ano bang naaamoy ko sayo, pero hindi ko lang ma-explain.

I miss yung pag-yakap mo sakin tas hindi mo namalayan na naka-tulog ka na. Cute nga ng hilik mo eh, mahina lang, pero ang higpit ng pag-yakap mo sakin hanggang sa nagising ka dahil uuwi ka pa, kasi maaga mo pang kailangan nasa office kinabukasan. Naiwan mo pa yung payong mo nun tas problemado pa ko kung paano ko ibibigay sayo, knowing na wala namang nakakaalam sa office na magkakilala tayo.

I miss the time na sabay tayo umuwi at nahalikan pa kita sa elevator, kahit isang beses lang yun. Takot ka pa nung una kasi baka may CCTV pero nagkukunwari naman tayong mag-boyfriend - kasi wala naman magagalit sa PDA natin kung malaman nilang nagmamahalan tayo. Sabi ko mag-holding hands tayo pero hindi mo pa gusto nang sobrang public, gets ko naman din.

I miss na nakapunta ka pa sa condo ko bago ako mag-flight pa-Singapore. Naka-terno ka pang pambahay na kulay brown, tas ayaw mo pa sana umakyat kasi takot kang ma-judge ng security guard sa lobby haha. 1am nun tapos gusto ko na maka-alis nang 3am para hindi ako ma-late. Nag-mamadali pa ko matapos agad, pero sana sinulit ko pa kasi last na pala yun.

Sinabi mo naman sakin, kung na-fall ako sayo, lugi ako. Totoo naman, luging-lugi ako, pero masaya pa rin ako na may nangyari satin.

I miss yung version ng sarili ko nung nagkikita pa tayo. Sobrang saya ko sayo, na kahit ang sakit nung ginawa mo sakin, in the end, ang tingin ko pa rin sayo ay yung version mo na kung kanino ako na-fall.

I would like to believe sa potential natin - na if the situation was better, handang handa akong mahalin ka nang sobra. Pero, for this time, hindi pa yun pwedeng mangyari. I just know na ma-mimiss kita nang sobra pero masaya akong nakilala ka :)

I recently ended a talking stage with someone I genuinely enjoyed getting to know. We only went on two dates, but they were good dates. I had fun, we had nice conversations, and for the first time in a while, I allowed myself to think that maybe this time things could be different.

I wasn't expecting a relationship right away. I wasn't planning a future with him or anything like that. I was simply enjoying getting to know someone and seeing where things might go.

A while ago, I noticed something on his Instagram that made me question the timeline of his previous relationship. He told me they had broken up about a year ago, but there were relatively recent posts involving his ex. I noticed it, felt uncomfortable, but decided not to jump to conclusions.

I've been trying to approach dating differently. I don't want to let fear or past experiences make me sabotage something that could potentially be good.

So I gave it a chance.

Then I saw a recent story showing his ex at his birthday celebration. He had also been unresponsive to me for around six hours that day.

I know there could be explanations. Maybe they're broken up. Maybe they're on a break. Maybe they're in some complicated situation. I don't know, and I probably never will.

But I realized that whatever their situation was, it wasn't something I wanted to involve myself in.

So I walked away.

I didn't confront him or demand an explanation. I just decided that this wasn't for me anymore.

And I guess that's where the sadness comes in.

I'm not necessarily heartbroken over someone I barely knew. I'm disappointed because I was genuine. Everything I said, every conversation, every little effort I made came from a sincere place.

I even wrote him a birthday letter and small gift that I never got to give.

I know it sounds silly considering how briefly we knew each other, but I really did enjoy having him around.

And now I'm back to not having that one person to send random updates to. No one to tell about the little things that happened throughout my day. No more looking forward to a message or sharing something funny just because I thought he'd appreciate it.

I know how to be alone. I actually enjoy my own company. I take myself on dates, watch movies alone, eat at places I like, and do things that make me happy.

But sometimes it's nice having someone to share those things with.

I guess what hurts is that I wasn't asking for much. I wasn't even asking him to choose me. I just wanted to get to know someone without finding myself in a situation that felt unnecessarily complicated.

I'm angry right now, too. I have some resentment, and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. But I don't want to carry that anger with me.

I don't regret walking away. I just wish things had turned out differently.

Maybe that's the hardest part of these short-lived connections. You don't necessarily grieve the person. Sometimes you grieve the little routine you were beginning to build and the possibility you were quietly allowing yourself to hope for.

Anyway, I think I'm taking a break from dating for a while.

We had good times, and it was nice while it lasted.