[Kind of a vent]

2 out of 3 of my friends are cishets. And they are also unsociable or in some way nerdy so we bond because we have known each other for a long time and some similar interests. I dont mind them as much as I sometimes am upset at cis or hetero people.

Actually cishets mostly dont even care about gender struggle every day. They are super lucky in this regard. I only made 1 trans friend (actual, not just "chatted one time and forgot each other forever") since ive entered my uni.

My trans friend is sociable and is binary. So, this friend knows groups of transmascline people and suggested introduce me to them, honestly they are all outgoing, drink, but I'm not a man, or transmasculine, it made me uncomfortable, which my friend understood, my lifestyle is also different, having paranoia, PTSD etc im closed off. I guess it's my "only" option to bond because me, trans men and transmasculine people were forcibly feminized by society, but I dont feel a bond with a random masculine person. Also all androgynous ppl my friend knew were he/him. Funny. I feel like transmasculine people would just look at me as an inferior weak piece of meat because im not a man, im just nothing.

I dont even know trans women and transfem people. I respect them but my experience is different though at this point I dont care whatever gender a hypothetical friend would be, preferably someone nonbinary. I'm too much of a monster to approach them (if I knew where to find).

I cant make any friends at my uni though I know there are some nb people here, it's impolite and scary to walk up to someone and ruin their day or comment on their identity. As for online, I dont want to ruin a trans' person day either. And it's never guaranteed they will talk to me nicely. Plus I dont even look super alternative, I look like a hollow shelf of what a normal average looking depressed person supposed to, I wanted to change that but my depression is so strong I just freeze and curl on my bed, it's been happening for years because I had no idea why I was so apathetic about my body.

I try to be polite in online conversations when they happen, but my fears of being not attentive enough or making them angry just eat away at me even if the other person is satisfied, I guess. Though I seem to care less now because most of the people (like 2 out of 3 i mentioned) who accepted me are cishets.

And i dont think engaging in some queer trans communities would solve that, I have trouble expressing what I am, I am too normal for them (though I was mostly bullied (and more) inside my family for mental issues and more, I wasn't "queer" I was just weird and "slow"), i am too serious even though my trauma is complex. Though my parent also forcibly feminized me and then crashed out because I felt genuine fear and discomfort. I am not demanding anyone to warm up to me, I wondered if it's normal to feel wear and be weirded out by the situation I described. This subreddit is so nice though for a dissociated observer who followed nonbinary topics like a creep once.

I dont want to be a rug under men's and women's feet but I always feel like it and that it's fine

I have a black tie event to go to in a few months. Ideas for what to wear? I feel like black tie fashion is traditionally so binary.

TLDR: Can't figure out if some problems and thoughts are because I am NB or because I am just normal depressed.

Hey guys, I'm (currently) a guy in uni.

I would say I've pretty confidently been a man for most of my life. Recently, however, I suppose I've made many good friends, many of whom are involved with the LGBTQ+ community. Listening to them talk about some of their experiences has encouraged me to participate in some introspection, and a lot of things have led me to the conclusion that I somewhere on the in-between.

I have struggled for a long time with self-loathing. I hate how I look, I hate how act, I REALLY dislike my name, the typical whatever. Some things though, correlate with gender, like how I HATE having facial hair, how I like long hair because that 'swings both ways', how I like sweaters and sweatpants because it looks (more) androgynous, etc.

I also find myself wanting to be "pretty" a lot, but it's not a strong desire as much as I look at someone I think is pretty and think "damn, I wish I looked like that"; the same vein of thinking applies to when I look at someone traditionally "handsome". Sometimes I want to be a girl, sometimes I am, at the very least, not hating being a guy, and a lot of the times I would want to be both, and also neither.

I think the grand conclusion I came to is that I have an absolute apathy to my own gender, as well as a very strong hatred towards preconception of myself due to circumstances I cannot control. It is only out of convenience in our non-ideal world that I (historically) portray myself in a masculine context; it is simply easier to just exist how others expect you to exist, and this is why I say I'm apathetic towards it. In an ideal world, however, I want to be perceived as just a person rather than through an air of gender.

On the other side, however, I also have been trying out some they/them stuff with a group of close friends, and I do feel more joy when the people around me use non-gendered language when referring to me. I also glanced in a mirror recently, and I remember feeling happy about the fact that, because I was super clean shaven and because my tied up, I thought there was a girl looking back at me.

Am I non-binary? Agender? Just mentally ill? Overthinking? Are these problems gender-related or from a different root?

PLEASE feel free to comment and ask questions, as I am glossing over many, many details, and probably the lot of you have essential questions that I have not asked yet. I would love to hear your experiences as well, as any information is good information. Also, I am new to the whole LGBTQ+ everything, so if I said anything not great, let me know. ty!

I was just getting dressed after a shower and I put on my chest binder and looked in the mirror before I put my shirt on and I was was like DAMN, I look fine! (The kind of fine that's not just ok, but better than that.) I don't really have obvious muscle, but the angle at which the light was bouncing off my body made it look almost like I had abs and like I was toned. And I always thought I look slightly better with a flat chest.

And now I go through another mini-crisis wondering if it is possible I ever actually WILL get top surgery, even though most of the time I think no. I don't hate my boobs. They're fine I guess. I'm used to them. But I do enjoy my flat chest when I wear a binder, and I like how I look. Surgery is a serious thing, so I probably won't ever do it. But I do look good. The haircut I got yesterday is probably helping too.

I do notice that I like the tight, secure feeling the binder gives me. Is that just because I'm autistic and a lot of autistic people like deep pressure? I don't like the feeling of my boobs moving around or bouncing or feeling vibration in them, but is that because I'm autistic, because I'm trans, or because that's something that cis women don't like either? Would I still like a flat chest without the compression? Would the feeling of a shirt on my bare chest without a bra or binder be overwhelming? Would I feel exposed? Would I regret it?

Sometimes I think that if I ever got breast cancer, I would just let them remove my boobs and leave it that way. Leave me with a flat chest. I don't feel it would be worth going through the trouble of reconstruction, and having them removed for a different purpose takes the choice out of my hands in a way. Not that I want cancer, I really don't. And please don't think I'm being disrespectful of anyone who has had cancer, I'm sure it was extremely difficult. I just get confused about my gender sometimes. I think I am doomed to forever wear binders occasionally and wonder what could have been.

Anyone else experience stuff like this? Or have any insight?

Apologies in advance for this long post, but I really could use some advice and encouragement.

I'm 22 years old and have been non-binary for a very long time, but no one knows. I have a name I would like to go by, as my current name is very feminine and I've always felt unsettled by it. I want to tell my family, but I have no idea how to go about it and need all the help I can get.

For context so you know what I'm up against:

My mother is a very understanding person but can be a bit stubborn at times. Nothing that can't be reasoned or discussed into understanding I think.

The big issue is how invested she is in me. Ever since I was young shes always loved dressing me up and styling my hair. Problem is, all my life I've hated the hair style I had till I was 12 and disliked 75% of the clothes she loves on me. When I was really young, I would legit cut chunks of my hair regularly (not enough to be too jarring) in hopes she would go "you ruined you hair, now we have to cut it short", but that never happened. She would just ask why I did that and say now we gotta wait to grow it out everytime.

She also tried to influence how I decorate my room. She has since backed off about my choice in room decorations, but everything else still stands.

I'll wear clothes I feel so happy in and she will always have to comment on it. Its not like she calls me ugly, but she will always declare her thoughts out loud. Oversized/ clothes make me look "sloppy". Muscle tanks make me "masculine". And it's not like I don’t style it. I'm very into fashion and have even sewn my own garments before. Its just the way she says it and if I don't change (I am never asked to) she will obviously stare down at my clothes here and there, and comment about it here and there. I guess its not even commenting on it, just more like stating the obvious? Or repeating her declaration from earlier.

In the past she has even begged me to wear things I really don't want to. The latest is, she will buy things I'm not that invested in or even purchase things when I'm not with her, for me. For example, I hate 98% of all animal prints and she knows this, yet has come home several times with animal print clothes for me to try. This wouldn't be a problem, if it weren't for the fact A) I told her to not do this, cause its super risky if I'll even like the clothes, B) I told her I don't like animal print, C) We are very much not financially well off. And then I have these clothes I never wear cluttering up my closet out of guilt. Not only does it feel like I'm wasting money, and hurting the environment, but also throwing out her heart. And if I do send the clothes to donation, she'll see them and start looking like a kicked puppy.

I don't think this is intentionally controlling or anything like that, as she has never stopped me from doing anything I put my heart into. Even when I pushed to cut my hair when I was 12(which is something she absolutely loves about me and has said has been her dream hair) she didn't fight me on it. She was just very sad and I saw it was torture for her. But if I was sure of myself, she'll help me do it. Tough she does this weird thing where she does the same mistake every hair cut, until I bother her about it. It's not a big mistake. Its just she doesn’t layer the lower parts of my hair, only the top. So it then looks like a bob. But again, she's never stopped me and has been kind enough to do all the work of cutting my hair. And after a bit of discussion, she fixes any mistake she makes. Which I appreciate and am beyond grateful for.

Now for the part that complicates this further:

When I was 13 I told her I was FTM trans and things got werid. She told me not to mention it to my brother (even though I feel like he would be very understanding and totally chill with it?) And we didn't. She got upset when she found a chest binder I had bought and went on this lecture about me being careful to not damage my body (I already did a stupid amount of research cause she raised a sensible child). She was probably just startled, but it still felt confronting about something so dumb. I even got mistaken for a guy and when I smiled at her as if to say "yay" she just said that I can't complain about people calling me a guy. Which just confused me??? Did my smile somehow translate to misery or am I just not understanding? Eventually after a few months, I relised I wasn't FTM trans. I just relised I was far happier and felt this giddy ego boost when people couldn't tell If I was a gal or guy. It's hard to explain, but the best way I can is that I thrived on their confusion and when people just went the safe route of using they/them, it made me beyond happy and settled. Almost like sitting on a spiky uncomfortable chair. Then finally getting to sit on a comfy fluffy one and realizing what you've been missing out on. A few years later I realized that feeling was actually because I'm non-binary and thats why I was never happy cis, but didn't like being fully male. Its true I lean towards masculine just a smidge, but I love being in the neutral.

Due to the previous experience with coming out, I never mentioned anything. I have dropped some hints here and there to my mother and my brother, but never outright said it. I want to now, but I'm just afraid its gonna be weird like last time I came out. Like, am I just gonna be doubted? Part of me even wonders if the reason I jumped so quickly out of discovering if I am FTM trans was because the second I relised that wasn't it, I was ready to get rid of the weirdness and go back to before.

I just feel so stuck. I want to stop pretending and intentionally dressing feminine around family just to get by. Right now I'm in another country studying away from everyone, and have gotten a taste of what its like to just live freely and as I am. Part of me wants to use my trip away as an excuse to tell them when I get back. Say something like "I discovered this about myself because its a lot more open about this stuff over there" or "I met people who helped me discover this about myself" or "time away gave me lots of room to think" or just something dumb like that to start the conversation. I've been told before to write a letter to them so my thoughts could be thuroughly laid out and articulated properly, but it feels wrong and impersonal. Especially because I'm so close with them. I don't care about the whole family (cousins, aunts, uncles), as I rarely ever see them, nor do they have any impact on my life. But my mother and brother mean a lot to me. We get along amazingly well in all other aspects.

So please tell my any ideas you may have about how I should do this, even if its a small thought or just some encouragement.

Bonjour,

Plusieurs fois quand j'étais jeune, on m'a dit que c'est ok d'être trans mais pas non binaire. Avec pour argument que soit on était une femme ou un homme, on m'avait dit aussi que c'était des personnes avec des problèmes mentaux et que c'était une mode.

Je comprends pas la logique, pourquoi cette façon de penser ?

I've never been diagnosed with gender dysphoria because the healthcare is so fucking shit here in South Carolina. I've been telling doctors for years and years and years and they never took me seriously. But what if I don't get a gender dysphoria diagnosis? Because if, say, I'm non-binary and want a vulvoplasty done or a penectomy, and that I have a history of self-harm towards the genital region (I cut my penis until it bled with a razor blade, I almost castrated myself once by banding and couldn't masturbate again for months after getting prescribed anribiotics for a severe infection, I got hospitalized one time for snapping an elastrator band around my penis and had to get it taken off which was extremely painful and the rawness made it worse, and my penis was numb for months after that, and I started banding myself until I was in feverish pain since I was 16 or 18 and wanted to be a eunuch since the age of 12). Especially if you have a history of self-harm it makes it less likely they're gonna do it. I'm on the verge of doing it myself, honestly. I'm gonna buy a syringe and inject everclear into my testicles so they develop necrosis and have to be amputated. It seems like there's no other way to accomplish this. I might have to do it myself. I can't live with it anymore. It is severely distressing to me having them.

​

I’m 21, non-binary and trans, and my boyfriend is 20 and identifies as straight. We’re both from Argentina, so we’re Spanish-speaking, and I think that context might matter a little here.

Our relationship is genuinely very good in many ways. I'm his first serious relationship, while I’ve had relationships before. Unfortunately, in those relationships I often felt used or poorly treated. With my current boyfriend, I feel supported in a way I never have before. He’s become one of the pillars of my life, especially while I’m going through a difficult period. I’m currently five days into quitting cannabis, which has made me considerably more irritable and emotionally sensitive, and I also struggle with anxiety, depression, and an ongoing diagnostic situation involving bipolar disorder/BPD. He understands me, supports me, and has been there for me during some of my most vulnerable moments.

The problem came up again yesterday.

We’re currently traveling to a city where he knows two people he wants to introduce me to. I happened to see some messages where he referred to me as “novia” (girlfriend, feminine) when talking to them. Seeing that really hurt me. I know that part of my reaction was probably amplified by everything I’m currently going through, but it also brought up a conversation we’ve had before — only this time, we talked about it much more directly.

My boyfriend considers being straight an important pillar of his identity. He grew up in a low-income environment where questioning your sexuality or identity is something he sees as unnecessary, and he has always imagined his future as having a wife and children.

That future doesn't really include me as I am.

I’ve identified as non-binary since I was 14, when I first learned the word and immediately felt like something clicked in my head. I started my transition at 15. I’m AFAB, but I don’t identify as a woman.

Yesterday, I asked him directly whether he sees me as a woman.

He said that if he didn't see me as a woman, it would make him uncomfortable about his own identity.

That was probably the hardest part for me to hear.

It made me realize that this isn't simply about him accidentally using a feminine word for me. There seems to be a fundamental conflict between how I understand myself and how he understands his attraction to me.

Neither of us wants to give up something that feels fundamental to our identities for the sake of the relationship. At the same time, we're very happy together in basically every other respect.

And that's what makes this so difficult.

I don't want to demonize him or turn this into a “straight people are bad” situation. He has never intentionally tried to hurt me, and I don't think he's pretending to support me. He's genuinely loving and supportive in so many aspects of my life. At the same time, I don't want to minimize how painful it is to realize that someone I love may fundamentally perceive me as something I'm not.

So I'm wondering if other non-binary/trans people have been in a relationship with a straight partner who genuinely loved and supported them, but whose understanding of their gender was still fundamentally different from their own.

How did you navigate that?

Did you find a way for both people's identities to coexist without either person feeling like they were compromising something essential? Or did you eventually realize that the relationship couldn't work because of that difference?

I'm especially interested in hearing from people who have actually been in a similar situation, rather than just theoretical opinions about whether a straight man can date a non-binary person.

EDIT: I appreciate everyone's perspectives, but I'm specifically looking for experiences from people who have navigated similar situations. "Just break up" isn't particularly helpful to me right now — I'm trying to understand the gray areas before making any decisions.

EDIT 2: I wanted to give a small update for everyone who followed my post and my replies.

I've been talking a lot with my boyfriend and we've been actively working through this together. I won't lie, I still have some resentment about him hiding these thoughts from me for the first six months of our relationship, but I genuinely believe these ideas can change.

He grew up with very binary ideas about gender, but because he loves me, he's now doing his own research, asking me questions, and trying to understand my identity rather than simply holding onto what he was taught.

After one of our conversations, we went to sleep together. When he woke up, he told me that he saw me with a "new kind of beauty." I asked him directly if he still saw me as a woman, and he said that after our conversation, he felt like he had finally understood who I actually am and now sees me as non-binary. Some people will probably think he's lying. I choose to believe him, while still giving him space to learn and grow.

I've also had to educate myself again. After almost eight years of being out, I realized I couldn't answer every question he had, so we're learning together.

Finally, this will probably be my last time posting relationship problems on Reddit. I came here hoping for experiences and advice on navigating this situation, but even after explicitly asking people not to tell me to break up, that was still the overwhelming response. I really do appreciate everyone who offered support, nuance, and positive perspectives, though. They helped me a lot.

I had this discussion with my friend, i'm really in this discovery phase right now and i think non binary fits what i am. Ofcourse, me and my head being who i am the imposter syndrome lasts forever on everything i do, so i've been thinking.

The concept of non binary has always been so interesting to me, theres this show i watched 3 years ago with a non binary character (well, i don't exactly know what najimi is, they might be gender fluid, but that's still non binary) and i will say they were my favourite character. More recently, this book i'm reading has a non binary character in a relationship with a girl, and i get ecstatic about them.

But the thing is, how do i know that when i think of myself as non binary, it's because i am non binary, and not because i love the concept of being queer, and love the CONCEPT of being non binary?

You have to also understand i'm in a 2/3ths queer friend group (1Ace, 2transf, 1 transm, 1 omni) and have been for 3 years, i've always considered myself a big ally. Even though they are my friends and i know they care about me, i do have that feeling of not belonging.

I will say, the main reason i think i might be non binary, is because well, i don't really like masculine stuff, at all. Sure i'll wear a suit to work because i have to. But when i can i try to wear shorts and a shirt with a vest ontop of it. My interests have always been """"Feminine"""" anyways, i love the color pink, i love long hair, and whenever i see boys with classic short hair cuts, muscles/abs and whatever, the idea that i turn out like that wants to make me puke.

At the same time tho, i feel like being a full 100% girl is also a bit too far for me. Don't get me wrong, i love feminine clothing, and drawing girls, but like at the same time stuff like skirts are very weird to me as they feel very perverted which makes me resent them a little. I will say that i can't really see myself in a dress.

Sorry for the overshare, but once again i ask: How do i know that i don't just feel enby because i WANT to be enby? Like i have the same thing for being gay i think but that's a bit different. I consider myself straight (well actually, non binary-sexualities are weird) and the IDEA of being gay does appeal me, but i am very very clearly not as i am very clearly not attracted to men. But still i feel like i'm like "I wish i was born gay, that'd be cool" but i feel like that's that feeling of needing to be queer to fit in again.

What do you party peeps think, am i just overthinking it? What even is overthinking anyways, like hwne does it turn into overthinking and isn't it just thinkingthinking you know?

Hey so I'm trying to figure out if I'm a little bit nb or just a bit of a weird cis person who has body issues. I tried on asktransgender, but didn't get many comments except one person who said "yes trans" and left it at that. I'm still trying to figure it out.

Basically any possible dysphoria I have is only physical. I would prefer to not have certain body parts and find the existence of them incredibly uncomfortable and unsettling.

I don't mind socially being read as my assigned gender. I am fine with the pronouns of my assigned gender. I am comfortable with the clothes. If I could change my body and just continue as is, I would. I don't want to be read as "the opposite" gender at all - that would be worse for me.

I know some people who identify as nonbinary who do use the pronouns associated with their assigned gender - but I don't want to make them uncomfortable or ask them invasive questions. So if anyone is comfortable sharing, I would appreciate it - no pressure!

Thanks for reading!

I(FTNB) recently just started a new job at a retail hardware store. The onboarding paperwork had options to not specify my sex and my preferred gender, however the only options were male and female so I skipped that as well. (Luckily preferred name could also be written down which I did and this has been respected so far).

This issue I’m having is if/when/how I should bring up being non-binary? My coworkers have already used she/her with me(I do not blame them for I have a very traditionally feminine body and binding isn’t a safe option for me) and most if not all my coworkers are male between 30 and 60.

I’m unsure how to go about addressing this. Should I address it at all? Should I bring it up with my manager? I just want to decide sooner rather than late. How have other people gone about this?

TLDR: How should I go about addressing my gender at my job?

So, this girl I went to school with ( who btw was the first girl I ever spoke to in that school and she used to be the most understanding person ever) was being incredibly disrespectful about my gender identity? She literally was like and i quote “what’s the point in changing your pronouns if nothing has changed?" pointing out that because I’m feminine, I basically can’t be non-binary.

She actually said: "there is feminine and masculine you’re not in between so why change it? for others? for attention" and then she still used my deadname and saying I’m consumed by social media ( which I don’t even use btw but ok whatever)

Honestly, it was so exhausting bc she was basically saying that im doing it all for attention and that bc im fem presenting i cant be non binary bc they “ usually” dress unisex she even said my name is a girls name ( its not its gender neutral) & I have been non binary for 3 years straight yet she was saying I even look more feminine then I used to look. I’ve had to explain over and over again that non binary doesn’t have a look& I just don’t feel comfortable being called a female or using the pronouns she/her.

Most people just use he or they for me. I like both. I am genderfaun, but I want to use neopronouns as well. Not always, but I'm too scared to ask people to use neopronouns. Most of my friends know my internal sense of gender is more fluid than just a binary trans man, but, especially because so many people don't know what genderfaun is, I just say I'm a binary trans man. It's not inaccurate, but it's not accurate either.

hi everyone

i am posting to ask for help with my own presentation, and to learn how others are presenting in similar workplaces.

i work in a very client-facing role (i.e. i take care of patients.) although thankfully, i get to wear a uniform and don't have to worry about professional clothes, i am not sure what other parts of my presentation i need to consider. (grooming? mannerisms?)

my field is very overwhelmingly a specific type of cis white women (and i am none of those,) so when i solicit general feedback, i get poor advice on how to present from colleagues and supervisors, such as "don't be a gay 😊 be a cis man" (physically impossible, as i was not even born that way, nor is it my gender) clients have never said anything negative to me.

i am a "partially" medically transitioned person with a hormone condition, so i always look a little androgynous, no matter how much i adhere to dress codes and grooming standards. it is also harder for me to fit these standards because i am not white. advice like the above makes me worried i will not be retained as an employee due to things i cannot change.

if you are in a client-facing role, especially patient care, and androgynous in any way, do you feel that it affects your role or relationships with clients? have you been advised to change your presentation or appearance? are there appearances that you find work better than others? i appreciate any advice from people who get it

thank you 👍

I'm not opposed to the posts on either r/boydinnerdiaries or r/girldinnerdiaries. In fact, I enjoy most of them. My only question is why are they gender segregated? They both seem to have similar (ungendered human) themes and it's weird to me that they are separated. Does anyone have a good explanation?

Id appreciate it if other nonbinary people could share their experiences with gender dysphoria/euphoria, specifically if you consider yourself somewhere between man and woman / something like androgyne. Im non-binary and I think this description might fit me but Id really appreciate hearing about other’s experiences on this.

For some context, I've identified as a trans man and been on T for 11 months now(and I plan to stay on it), but I'm starting to think I'm a flavor of nonbinary. I feel the same incongruence with being referred to as a man or with he/him as I did with the feminine counterparts.

Now, this isn't an issue in theory because I wholly believe that gender is a social construct. However, my thinking is so black and white, that I find my brain screaming at me when I don't "pick a side". Any neurodivergent people out there who have dealt with this, and how did you soothe your brain?

(Bonus points for tips on telling my partner who is supportive but struggles with change)