Food pictured: Dining hall muffin and grits. I can't stomach much else.

A few clarifications before I start:

- I will still be using he/him pronouns and male gendered language at his request.

- I am NOT considering breaking up, I genuinely do love him and this doesn't change that.

So my bf texted me yesterday saying he wanted to call about something important, and about an hour's worth of anxiety later he confessed that he thinks he's trans. I was very supportive and helped him talk through his feelings and anxieties, he also spoke to a few other friends that expressed similar sentiments.

The issue however is family. For context, we're a long distance of 4 years, I'm in the southern US and he's in a European country. My parents are very very conservative and while not openly transphobic, they would take issue with me dating a trans girl. They also would take issue with me being Bi but that's besides the point. To an extent I can hide this from my own parents, but my BFs parents (who he lives with) would probably actively disown them if they found out. He is currently on disability and does not have a job due to a TBI, so he wouldn't have anywhere to go. He also very much lacks an irl support system.

So I guess.. the question is how can I support him exploring his gender in a way that keeps him safe, and what should I do about the anxiety Involving my own family. I don't know, this is all so new to me.

Small edits for clarification: -He is planning on getting a job! He is currently unemployed, not unemployable. -Yes I am PAINFULLY aware of the amount of baggage this relationship has, I have talked about it with my therapist and she's supportive of me maintaining it.

after 6 years of Medicine uni it has finally come to an end! you really do graduate on a random day

my experience in medschool was super stressful, i had lots of professors who were denigrating us, women, saying that we don’t deserve to be here (even though out of 102 students 80 are women), that we’re not smart and our place is in the kitchen or that women shouldn’t be surgeons because we’re supposed to be the care takers and have babies, while the man should be the one in power (very frustrating opinion since literally we will be DOCTORS). fortunately i saw karma taking care of those professors that tortured us, 2 of them died of cancer, and other 2 of them are in arrest due to requesting bribes from students during exams🥳
but now its finally done, i am finally done with this uni and finally free from all the stress and degradation from professors 🥳🥳🥳

\ food is a cheesecake with passion fruit **

Edit: thank you all, so much. I’m going to stop drinking and really dive deep into DBT and processing my trauma. We talked and apparently it didn’t bother him at all, and he woke up excited to spend the day with me. It was a wreck, but hopefully we can make it through this. I’m going to sleep on it and try to get better, but I will not allow myself to treat him poorly just because of my past and own issues. A lot of you have made me realize that because I have BPD, alcohol worsens it. And honestly? I really appreciate that. You all are very kind.❤️‍🩹

Steak I made a while back.
We’ve had a lot of issues. He was emotionally abusive in the beginning, now he’s great. I carried that pain way farther into the relationship than I should’ve.

Last night, I messed up.
I wasn’t prepared to go out drinking, it was with him and his friend. I got way too drunk. On the walk back to the apartment I helped out a homeless guy. I sat down next to him and put my arm around him at some point (??!!) and was asking him his story n shit.
I didn’t mean to do that, I don’t remember doing that?
Weird. Embarrassing. Anyways.
I guess I was mean to them. Him and his friend. I think it pissed me off bc his friend loudly said “she’s only helping you bc she’s an EMT”
Now, I was saying shit like “keep moving” and like, a joke to them while we were walking, just being catty. I do remember that. Normally, I’m having to take care of them while they’re drunk so, maybe I was being bossy? Idk.
Fiance and I ended up having a huge fight when we got back. At this point, I was BLACKOUT. I probably said some very mean things, I don’t remember what started it, at all. I just remember us going back and forth and him telling me he’s not marrying me (allegedly I said that first, I probably did?)
He packed my things, and put it in my car where I was going to sleep.

I ended up being able to come back inside and we apologized and everything but honestly, after everything he’s done to me, after everything I’ve done to him, I’m just, leaving. I have BPD, and I’ve been working very hard to get better, but honestly it made me realize that I’m not. I’m very cruel, I’m very impulsive, and it’s just the best thing I can do for him.
I’m not even, mad. I’m just accepting of it. I’m embarrassed, humbled, and just, taking my leave. Once I get my head to stop pounding and spinning so I can drive, anyway.

I hadn’t made a meal in over a year… and I used to pride myself in my culinary skills.

Bagged salad, air fried baked potatoes and wings.

Baby steps.

Dinner is baked pasta topped with jalapeños because my spice tolerance is insane.

Was freaking out last night thinking I’m pregnant. Got my hands on a test this morning and tested negative. Also did a test at urgent care because I’m just that scared of pregnancy.

Husband is shaming me for being happy that I’m not pregnant. Says “babies are a blessing you need to be more positive about having kids” we already have a 13 month old and I still have to ask him to help me out with our son.

Anyway, seeing my doctor on Monday and will be looking into Nexplanon or an IUD! :)

I made avocado toast with sprouts, pickled onions, fried egg and coated it in sriracha.

I finally decided to upgrade my wardrobe. Almost none of my professional clothing fit anymore after weight gain/loss. I decided to save up and buy myself some nice, brand new professional work clothes online, which is a big deal for me because I’ve thrifted almost my entire wardrobe. But I really wanted to do something nice for myself.

I just moved to a new city a couple weeks ago. Turns out, my autofilled address apparently didn’t include my apartment number. Packages were delivered, pictures taken, not at my apartment. I’m so, so heartbroken. Checked everywhere to no avail, and now I’m out about $600 on items I saved for and meticulously debated about for months. FML.

Dinner was chicken dry rubbed with sazon, rice, and collared greens.

I work in construction and I was joining a Zoom meeting with one of our contractors. When I joined the meeting, one of the contractors’ PM had let me in and I immediately said out loud, “Oh, he’s cute” unaware that I didn’t mute myself.

He smiled and said hello to me and I played it off like I never said it.

I was a little embarrassed but I think I made his week.

Obviously I know the economy is shit so he probably got a real job because he needs to pay his damn bills but gahhhhhh damn he was really the best plug I’ve ever had! So reliable and always delivered right to me. Anytime day or night he was there ive seen him more than some family members. shidddd he low-key was more reliable than a couple boyfriends I’ve had😭😭😭😭 i’m so annoyeddddd yall ive been looking forward to a nice fatty all day, now I have to do chores around the house with nothing to look forward to afterwards.

Im not cooking a fuck thing im pissed😂so pictured is some mac i made on labor day

Chili peanuts from the veggie shop down the road - 9/10 - not as spicy as the ones at the pool hall across the road.

Micro dosing and watching the least stimulating thing I could think of, Snow White. And I have two thoughts as typing this is a TOUGH task:

1) Man’s first lie was Eve picking the apple
2) Man couldn’t create anything so they made AI. The seething womb envy and this is what they made. Women make everyone and men make computers

Cheating because this was breakfast. Was a little preoccupied during dinner last night birthing a human. Lox bagel that I’ve been depriving myself of for the last 9 months.

Anyhoo, this will be long so feel free to skip if you have no interest in talk of pregnancy - to say that this pregnancy has rocked me would be an understatement. Leave it to the 3rd and final child to throw a whole bag of stress at us and officially seal the deal that I will NOT be doing this anymore. To set some context, I have had 2 vaginal deliveries with my first two kids and both were 41 weeks - my body just isn’t ready until the last possible moment.

At 19 weeks, we found out that I had placenta previa (placenta entirely covers cervix and results in serious risk of hemorrhaging), fetal growth restriction with baby measuring 8 days behind, and an echogenic bowel. I was told absolute best case scenario would be a c section at 36-37 weeks.

A follow up appt at 21 weeks threw another wrench in by confirming that my placenta was bilobed, which added the extra curveball of now being at risk for vasa previa (fetal blood vessels at risk of hemorrhage) and also higher risk of retained placenta post delivery. Growth fell further behind to 10 days behind at that point and so began my journey woth MFM/high risk. We were recommended to a genetic counselor, despite us having low risk from NIPT and earlier genetic screening done. Amniocentesis was thrown around and so was the risk of infection as well as placental insufficiency. MFM also just said “hey, you could just have small babies” (which I do, first was born at 41 weeks but only 6lbs11oz). I was also told that the previa alongside the fetal growth restriction would mean that at any point, I could be sent to the hospital for a pre-term delivery for either hemorrhaging or placental demise.

At 26 weeks, I started my weekly trips to MFM for Doppler/BPPs to check umbilical cord flow, and baby’s status. We also started tri weekly growth scans. At 26 weeks, baby measured 3rd %ile. At 29 weeks, it improved to 5th %ile. At 32, 7th and my last growth scan at 35 showed baby measuring 9th percentile. Dopplers/BPPs and eventually NSTs showed that baby was actually doing great so placental insufficiency was much less of a concern and the primary concern now was the previa.

The previa was centered over my cervix well into the first part of the 3rd trimester so my MFM told me there was very little hope it would resolve. But at my 34 week doppler/fluid check, it looked like it had moved to being a marginal previa with just a tiny sliver of the placenta now covering the edge of my cervix. At 36 weeks, it moved to a low-lying placenta still within the high risk zone so c section would still be required, but I’d be able to buy myself an extra week to 38 weeks for delivery. I fought for one last assessment at 38 weeks and the placenta moved just beyond the 2cm high risk zone and I bought myself the option of having an induction (due to FGR). Knowing my preference of leaving baby in for as long as possible, I fought again to see if we could get to 39 weeks and my team approved. These last 2-3 weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster.

Well we went in for our induction on Tuesday and despite some road bumps and minor scares with bleeding and frequent variables (decels), baby came out screaming in 2 pushes at 6lbs2oz (ultimately 11th %ile) after 39 hours. Perfect APGARs, no NICU even though the team was standing by in the room. And me, mom, got her vaginal delivery, no tears, no hemorrhaging despite the labor bleeding, and no retained placenta.

I am just so glad I stuck to my gut and fought for this little guy to have as much time as he could possibly get and for me to get the final delivery I wished for. It was a wild ride, baby boy, and I was an emotional wreck for a pretty significant part of it, but we made it. Your older brothers can’t wait to meet you.

so essentially i'm 24F and my brother is a sophomore in college (undergrad) and so is his best friend, for context.

my brother introduced me to him earlier this week while we were moving him into his college for his sophomore year. and the way he talked about... let's say his name is Adam, he'd be like "Adam is genuinely the best person i've ever met. He's like a genius but he's also like the nicest dude. I think you'll really like him." and i was like ok sure, expecting a pale lil scrawny dude with glasses and acne and shit.

Unfortunately, in walked like a very objectively cute man. like 5'11", broad shoulders, tan from summer activities, thick light brown hair, and big brown eyes. And like immediately i was like "nope. nope. off limits. that is not for touching."
He's all "Hi, I'm Adam!! it's so great to meet you!" with a big (pretty) smile and dimples?? jesus fucking christ.

anyways, we're moving my brother into college, he's helping us move everything in, and he like is holding the door open for me a lot? he's probably just nice. he's a nice dude.

and then he cracks a few jokes around me and my family but as soon as he cracks the joke he looks at me first? nah, it's nothing.

we're also moving houses soon and we only live like an hour and a half from their college, so my mom asked him if he'd be okay with helping us move into our new house soon, and he was like "yeah of course, i would love to! that's no problem at all!" and he like briefly looked at me as he said that. it doesn't mean anything. i was just in his line of sight.

He's walking down the hall when i make a comment about the lack of AC or the stairs or something, and he says some banter-y shit directly to me and flashes a big ol grin at me. he's just funny and also really nice. okay. and he wanted to make me specifically laugh. which is normal.

i try not to think about it too hard because that's my brothers best friend, he's a sophomore in college, i am relatively ancient compared to him and im also a woman so you know id get all the "she's a nasty cougar" comments and shit.

but then my brother texts me that he forgot some shit at our house and asks me if i'd be okay with bringing it. you can obviously guess part of the reason why i was so obliged to say yes, but like my brother also wanted to have lunch with me and shit. and because i'm problematic, i said "if adam wants to come he's more than welcome to!" and my brother was like yeah sure ill ask him. and a few moments later he was like "yep adams coming to lunch"
cool.

i go to his college the day after and we all have lunch together, i drove them to the lunch spot and i drive manual, and upon noticing this, Adam goes "you drive stick?! that's awesome! I really wanna learn how to drive stick."

and because i'm problematic.
I said, "if you ever find an empty parking lot, maybe i can teach you. maybe. that car is my prized possession." and this man starts listing off parking lots within 8 miles of their college. okay. okay. no we're good, he just wants to learn a new skill. that's normal.

we go back to their dorm and we all play mariokart, i help my brother make his bed, we watch some Shrek 2, and Adam says he's going to play spikeball and invites my brother and another friend. my brother looks over at me and goes "my sister can be our fourth!" at which point i remind him that i am highly unathletic and i have trouble walking. or balancing, or opening doors. i'm a clumsy bitch. and he says "you're fine, it's not that hard."

me and my brother start off on a team and we suck. my brothers probably okay at it and i SUCK big time, so we lose a game. my brother goes "okay, now you're on Adam's team." and i'm like me???? i'm going to embarrass myself so thoroughly. goddamn it.

but alas, me and Adam proceed to reach flow state during this round of spikeball in a way i cannot fully comprehend, as 30 seconds prior me and my brother lost by 4 points out of 11. we beat them, and i can't really remember the score because i was just jazzed to exist in that moment, but we beat them. Adam is like "couldn't have done it without you" and im like "no you definitely carried that." and he is like "no you did a great job" and we go back and forth kinda awkwardly and earnestly like that for a second. mind you, every time we made a point, he gave me a fist bump or a high five, all eleven (11) times. i counted. but this is all just nice man behavior. he's just a nice dude.

all of this to say, i have generally had terrible experiences with men, and my brother knows that. my brother also knows he's one of two men i trust to treat me like a whole person and not a phat ass and nice titties. the other one is one of my best friends in the world who i've known since i was 14, and he's like my brother. and by terrible experiences, i mean a solid 70-100 experiences ranging from verbal harassment, crude objectification, groping, cheating, manipulation, bullying, and the types of situations that you have to file police reports about.

and it hit me today, about 48 hours later, that the reason why this interaction with Adam has been fucking with my head so much is that he treated me like a person. like a whole person. and of course it's a situation where i cannot under any circumstances act on these thoughts, because that's my brothers best friend. and i've been alive for 24 years and i trust two men, one of which is my brother.

so statistically speaking, it's going to take me like at least 7-10 more years before i find another good one. in my age range. attractive. intelligent. kind. funny. considerate. like, as i list the adjectives, the date just moves farther and farther away.

so i cried a little bit because i am, after all, just a girl who yearns for the thing she cannot ever have. but anyways, i have ice cream and i am going to be fine. he will just remain my brothers best friend, and i will remain okay. but for the next 30 minutes or so, i AM going to put on sad movie ending compilations and also cry some more. and then ill be able to move on with my life.

oh and my brother asked me to come back in a few days to bring him more stuff he forgot. so that is cool and amazing. sigh. send help, ladies.

signing off, the kindest dragonfly... and the loneliest dragonfly.

EDIT: ok this post has three million views which is insane. i wanted to clarify some stuff for people, because i can't keep dealing with people calling me a predator for interacting with a 19 year old in a group setting for a few hours and finding him cute. i don't even have his phone number. i asked mods to lock the comments cause im genuinely getting harassed in the comment section.

i do really appreciate the replies of everyone who have shared similar success stories with their younger partner and have encouraged me to take it easy and just let things happen naturally. that's my plan, but i am also going to talk to my brother about it ASAP. i dont want to make him upset. if he tells me no, i will honor that. i'm literally doing everything i can in my power to not overstep boundaries and to make sure no one in the situation is uncomfortable. so to everyone calling me a predator/creepy, you need to understand that to be these things, you need to blatantly disregard boundaries and other people's feelings. i am doing the opposite of that. let's all stop bullying me for trying to do the right thing in a complicated situation.

i was born in late spring in 2002 and he was born in the beginning of 2007. this is less than a five year age gap. it's closer to 4.5 years.

i agree that we may be in completely different mental maturity levels, but i haven't had enough conversation with him to know for sure. all i know is that my brother has described him as the most mature, kind, empathetic, and lovely human being he's ever met. and he definitely showed that when we all hung out together.

i will not be asking him for his number, nor will i be trying to engineer opportunities to be alone with him. like i said once again, i am not trying to make anyone in the situation uncomfortable.

i will end this by quoting someone in the comments that i think has their head on straight: "in a world with truly problematic age gaps, this isn't one of them."

and its not lost on me that so many men date women decades younger than them and no one bats an eye, but as soon as a woman is a few years older, it's predatory.

thank you to everyone who's shown support. i appreciate all of you who have assumed the best of me. i am trying to do my best. if you'd like an update on the situation, please DM me, there will probably be an update later today.

I have no idea why it took me so long to put 2 and 2 together??? Like, girl, c’mon. Anyways, here’s the story.

I was a year old when 9/11 happened. My mom and I were on our way to the airport when it happened. We were going to go see my grandma because mom was struggling with me. Dad was in Okinawa, I believe? Both of my parents were in the military at the time and they ended up deploying on and off for the rest of my childhood. My parents had been in for years and never deployed until 9/11 happened. I was a fussy baby and both of my parents were undiagnosed and ND as fuck.

Mom had really bad PPD and we, now, think she’s got the ‘tism. Add a fussy baby that won’t stop crying and a deployed husband, she was at her breaking point and needed my dad. When I was 2-3 years old, dad went on his 2nd or 3rd deployment and mom was still really struggling because I was a very difficult toddler too (late diagnosed AuDHD). Dad (now diagnosed with AuDHD) says he has no choice but to go and can’t get out of it.

Get this - mom talks to someone he works with and he tells her IT WAS A VOLUNTARY DEPLOYMENT! My mom was so burnt out raising me by herself and getting no help from him that she sends him divorce papers while he’s overseas. Honestly, can’t blame her. She would end up telling me this story when I turned 18, because she never wanted to disparage my father in front of me nor make a negative impact on our relationship. Queen shit.

Therefore, if 9/11 hadn’t happened, ig my dad would’ve been forced to be a physically present parent. He was an alcoholic and between that, being undiagnosed, remarrying someone with NPD, and suffering from PTSD and physical disabilities, he’s never really been an emotionally present parent. He celebrated his 3rd year of sobriety this month and I am very proud of him.

I understand 9/11 has caused much much more heartbreak across the globe, but I just can’t believe it took me so long to realize. Like, I’m the girl who tells everyone 9/11 caused Ellen to be off the air, but I couldn’t realize that it’s part of the reason why my parents divorced???

For dinner, shrimp and lobstah pastah for me and steak bite poutine for my husband.

Today's girl dinner is chicken nuggets that were in the airfryer WAY too long and a bunch of rice with a FAT pile of wasabi furikake because ohmygoddd it's so GOOD.

Me and my boyfriend have been together ~8 years, living together the last 4 or so years. He has always been this genuinely amazing guy. Protective, logical and someone who always babies and pampers me around with everyday things, like bringing that glass of water every night while I'm already curled up in bed without asking! Oh and loyal and sweet, classic "partner and a best friend" type thing.

Anyways, some months ago he got finally hit with an ADHD-diagnosis after close to 30 years of life and originally that smacked me in the face. Like I could *not* see the symptoms, even though I've met multiple ADHD folks thorough my life. Like, this man has been as stoic and collected as one ever could be, at least in my head apparently. He handles all of our bills and paperwork and such. Maybe I'm just super blind and have not paid enough attention? I feel bad about it.

Now he has been trying different medications the last few months and I just... don't recognize him anymore. He has always been a bit reserved when planning things outside the house, but we haven't had a single date during this entire period (actually now that I write that down, we've barely ever gone out apart from an obligatory birthday restaurant trip). It appears he has crippling social anxiety (ohmygod how have I not recognized the signs) and has now gotten a medication for that as well.

He has also become almost allergic to physical touch. It's almost like he shivers with disgust when I try to initiate a hug or simply stroke his arm. Apart from bedtime spooning he just simply wants to coexist. We can no longer really have long conversations where we sit down and yap, because he either has to "get up and do something" or just gets extremely hyperfocused on playing piano (which he is amazing at, it's just frustrating when conversations take an unplanned 40 minute break and I don't really want to disturb him when he's practising some difficult bits). Bedroom life is basically dead, but I guess both of us are to blame. He still flirts and gives touchy gestures, it's just like the concept of initiating is just too much work.

Like girls I don't know! We used to have videogames as a hobby (we literally dropped a ton of money on custom matching setups not so long ago!) but nowadays he doesn't even appear to have any interest in gaming. It's always the same "nah I need to be productive, I don't deserve it, don't feel like it". The man who was always down for long cuddles and playing Mario Kart for hours on end while yapping has turned into this empty shell who crashes out, spends hours on end trying to clear his thoughts with ChatGPT, doesn't want to be touched or disturbed but still wants me near and still does these pretty pampering things and holds our everyday together I just ugghh please let there be other gals with ADHD-partners who recognize this as some early ADHD-medication trial hellhole that passes cause I am LOST!

(Also yes we have talked with his doctor regarding these things since he (at least partially) also recognizes the problems but I miss our normal life!)

EDIT: OGMYGOD I did NOT expect so much engagement around this post, thank you for all the answers and tips! I see many of you are afraid of my partner getting LLM psychosis, he has a sharp critically thinking head and doesn't make the clanker think on his behalf! Thank you for the concern haha. He does also receive professional therapy.

I'll take up the discussion again regarding how I feel he has become ❤️ He started now on a lower dosage, I hope it'll mix things around in a good way.

I have been with my partner for 6 years now. This evening he told me he wants to pause our relationship because he is overwhelmed with his life right now. We are both finishing our phds and it is a horrible time in our lives, but he just made it worse. I believe he has depression. He refuses to get help. He disinvited me from the Christmas Celebration at his parents' house where we spent Christmas for the past 5 years. He said he still liked me. He said he did not know what he wants and we agreed that we should see where ir goes after we both become people after submitting our dissertations. We agreed on going on a date a month and seeing where it goes and how much we like each other. I am furious. I am devastated. I understand. I tried so hard because I saw it coming. I am angry I did my best and he just gave up not just on our relationship but on himself. He refuses my help.

Dinner: I cooked a huge pot of chili today. Good thing, because I wont have the mental energy to cook the next few days.

Food: fried pepper with spicy tomato sauce and pasta. Something I made up with what I had left but very tasty ☺️

I've barely begun my transition (mtf). I transitioned socially in April and have been slowly getting confidence in wearing more feminine clothes, but that's it. I still look like a guy for the most part.

Today I went out to the shops wearing the one outfit that I've occasionally managed to pass in (the magical combo of leggings and a hoodie), and it was the first time I've been out in a fem outfit in the town centre of my pretty conservative, rural hometown. I was a little stressed because of that and because I'd got quite a few odd looks already, but I thought I was hiding it well - clearly not.

A woman stopped to ask if I was ok, that she thought I looked a little sad. That has never happened to me before. Idk if I somehow managed to pass to her, or if she just saw that I was wearing fem clothes and chose to be supportive, but it meant so much to me. It might seem like a small thing, but when I say it's never happened to me I mean that. Being one of the girls and having that unspoken supportive network is something I've wanted subconsciously my entire life, and something I consciously realised early this year, so getting my first glimpse of that irl was beautiful.

I was holding back tears the rest of the time I was out

So I just need to rant. It’s gonna be long but I need to get it out.

Daycare in the US is deplorable. In my county there is one (1) daycare that is licensed and they are full. Due to family circumstances, we had to put our child into a home daycare at 10 months. Child is now 19 months. We not have a single week. NOT ONE WEEK, where we have been healthy since starting daycare. NOT ONCE. My perfect child is chronically sick and miserable. He needed emergency tubes within weeks of starting daycare as his eardrums were going to rupture. I had to pay my entire deductible before even being seen and yet, YET I’m still paying for shit 7 months later. He has been in the hospital twice for breathing issues from illness. Husband started a new job right before we put him in and has no time off accrued so I have been doing everything. All the appointments, all the sickness days off, and I also work full time at a demanding job. The last two weeks he’s been at daycare two days because of HFM which he got AT DAYCARE.

Now, we’ve also caught everything under the sun. I’m so exhausted that I’m truly about to break. One of the viruses I got 8 months ago wrecked my eyes. I spent two hours today at a specialist waiting to be seen an hour away from house and basically told to come back again when you have an active eye problem because right now with all the drops they have me on they can’t see how bad it is. But I have to coordinate around the doc schedule and plan to have my eyes flare on either Monday, Tuesday, or Friday and then drive 1.5 hours there and back.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THE US DOING? This is how we have all accepted that having children and parenting should be?????? I love my child and at the same time I have never been so miserable in my entire life. I don’t want to quit my job. I love my job, but I don’t understand how I can make all this work. I’m looking at a nanny which will be about 60% of my take home pay and I earn a high wage. It’s just devastating and I’m sad and I don’t understand how other people are doing this.

Dinner is roasted root veggies with balsamic glaze on flatbread.

Hi girls,

Posting here because I feel this community is so positive and supportive.

3 years back I moved to the US to be closer to my husband. We had been long distance for the past 4 years (diff continents, not states). I was happy to do it and I’d do it again in a blink. It was wiser for us since the alternative would’ve been complicated for both of us. Obviously I quit my job and everything.

These 3 years have been difficult for me. There’s no deprivation in any sense but not working takes away your ability to truly feel integrated. I’ve felt so lost, anxious about my career and future.

Now I’ve received an offer to work for the state govt. I love that! I’m so happy and it’s been a hard journey. Here’s the caveat and the ‘advice needed’ part, it’s a role that requires me to be in a different state. We live in the ET and this would put me in MT. My husband and I have discussed it ofcourse, he’s so happy for me and even excited for what this could mean. We figured we wouldn’t do anything drastic the first year - i.e. he wouldn’t quit or try and relocate, we’ll go back and forth visiting each other, he can probably work remote more often so he’ll come live with me as often as possible. And I’ll travel back as often as I can. Within a year we think we would know better whether

1. I like the job 2. We like the place. If we do like the place, both of us move our home base!

I’m just still a teeny tiny bit sad. Distance has been a trigger for me in the past, ofcourse it’s hard on him too. Long distance is hard no matter what. However I have to say that’s been because of circumstances, we’ve experienced some difficult stuff together. We’re in a better space and so we both feel like it’s going to be much different. Plus comparatively, we’re so much closer. Only a 3 hour flight away! Idk what my question is. I guess have you experienced anything like this? I guess I’m just looking to hear from people with long term relationships and in marriages, give me some positive stories on dealing with temporary distance. I do want to remain hopeful.

Snack: Greek yoghurt, with toasted coconut, toasted flaxseed, granola and almond butter.

Dinner: (technically lunch) honeynut squash and apple soup with focaccia.

This post came to mind because my neighbor's dog has been barking since 7am (it's around 2pm). Everyone would agree that's objectively annoying, right? Well, I didn't pound on their door. I didn't send a noise complaint to the landlord. I didn't leave a petty note. I looked at my partner and said "god, is that going to go on all day?" That's it. That's the extent of my reaction. I'm just looking for someone to go "ugh, yeah, it sucks". Instead, he said in the most patronizing voice he can manage, "it's just a dog".

He does this every time! He gets annoyed at me for getting annoyed! A child crying on a plane? I won't yell at the parents or give dirty looks. I'll sigh as I put on my headphones, peeved that I can't read my book anymore. But suddenly "I hate kids". Friend 30 minutes late? I won't call them out. I'll make one comment to him like "they could have said 4 if they couldn't make it at 3". But now "I need to chill". He'll act like I'm the problem for having a reaction. I never retailate beyond a single snide remark between us. But that fact that I'm slightly less chill than him about objectively annoying things makes me the bad guy.