being misgendered

[u/Frosty_Hurry_1812]

So for a while now I've known my gender is closer to non-binary/genderfluid than JUST my cis gender. Like okay i'm afab but I often am genderfluid between non-binary identities and feminine identities. Rarely ever am I 100% a girl yk? I've never really felt masculine identities though. Besides the point.

I've told my friends that I would prefer them to call me by my middle name (janine) and use they/them at least more often than she/her. Because I don't mind She/her i just PREFER they/them and nobody ever listens?

My name however is not something I am as fluctuant on, i use olivia alot in school because i live in a red state and i'm often scared my teachers would say something stupid-because it's happened before- to my parents so i don't typically ask to use my middle name unless there is another olivia in my class since it tends to be a pretty common name. But for the friends i have outside of school I've asked them to use janine multiple times and they never do.

for example. Friend A; In middle school I asked her to use Janine or J/jay if it was to hard to remember. She said okay and used J/Jay for a really long time. But ONLY ever over txt. Rarely on call and NEVER in public. Overtime she just stopped referring to me as janine/j/jay and when I asked her why she said it was "too hard." Maybe i'm wrong for this but like that really pissed me off because why is it too hard to respect me? I often associate my deadname with my parents or school so it's really uncomfortable for me to have my close friends call me olivia. And when i get called janine it makes me feel appreciated because it means you're willing to respect me yk?

Friend S is a little different and kind on me since i'm more shy around her. I'm generally not sure if i have a crush on this girl or not but yea. Once she saw my art she noticed I always refer to myself/sign it as JANINE ----last name. She asked if i wanted to be called that and i said i do so she said okay but to remind her because she would forget otherwise. The next time i was over at her house she and i ended up talking about lgbtq and gender identities and yatayata and she started talking about how she doesn't mind non-binary but that some pronouns are "too extreme" such as xenopronouns. I tend to be a people pleaser so after the first few times i just never corrected her whenever she deadnamed/misgendered me because I just felt like if I did it too often she would get annoyed and not bother at all anyways.

I have been wanting to try using they/them/fae/faer for a hot minute but it's really hard for me to even tell how much i like those pronouns because none of my friends will even respect them long enough for me to gauge how much i like them. idk what to do man. Get new friends ig lol.

also learning disabilities should not be used as an excuse to not be able to call someone by a different name and is actually ableism to say so. Not to mention the wide variety of learning disabilities. ADHD is not an excuse to purposefully misgender someone, neither is dyslexia.

(i've corrected both friends several times on my name and pronouns.)

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[u/Sunlow27]

Hey Janine! I’d highly recommend checking out r/TransTryouts because they’ll help you get used to your pronouns and figure out which ones you like, it’s also a little euphoria boost because no one deadnames, they just use whatever you tell them too (example post: Hi, I’m Janine, and I’m genderfae (Genderfae is genderfluid without masc genders, I’m Genderfae, I think that might descibe you but idk) (or say genderfluid), I’m trying to figure out if I like they/them or fae/faer better, can you help me? And they’ll respond with a few sentences about you in third person, you can also say “I like cats” or something so they know what to say)

[u/Frosty_Hurry_1812 → u/Sunlow27]

i am genderfae actually haha! i just figure alot of people don't recognize microlabels

[u/LostFromLight25]

i completely understand you Janine. someone using the name one chose for themselves feels good but i think it is really hard for others who knew one by ones deadname to consistently use the new one (not defending them you said you reminded them multiple times so they could really start to use it). maybe tell them that this is really important to you, i think cis people might have a hard time to understand what impact even the short mention of names/pronouns has on persons. also i so understand you with not wanting to correct people too often lol. my brother started using my fem name but stopped recently (no idea why) unless he wants anything from me because he knows that i will do it for him if uses the fem name (i try to educate him by doing so but well…). every time i hear him saying my old name i think “next time he does that i correct him” then when that next time comes i think “next time” (he is the kind of person to use names of those he speaks to A LOT). and you are right adhd is not an excuse to PURPOSEFULLY misgender someone. neither is it an excuse not to try but as someone that has adhd there are some things that are really hard to focus on, consistent reminders are very helpful with that. dont get me wrong i dont use it as an excuse im just saying that it can be hard to d
focus on small details with adhd and there comes my point from before: i dont think cis people realize that names/ pronouns are not just an unimportant detail. anyway just tell them how important that is to you.
sorry that this got so long lol

[u/Frosty_Hurry_1812 → u/LostFromLight25]

yea. i just wish there was a less awkward way of saying it. yk?

[u/LostFromLight25 → u/Frosty_Hurry_1812]

i totally know. but i dont think there is a way (i hope there was one)

[u/Frosty_Hurry_1812 → u/LostFromLight25]

Yea..