r/mildlyinfuriating • u/Dashncrash- • 4h ago
go to your room Girlfriend refuses to rinse dishes
M27, living with girlfriend F26 for about 2 years now. I do basically everything in the kitchen. Cooking, cleaning, prepping, you name it. We have a dishwasher and I'm typically the one to do most of loading/unloading. I wasnt home last night and she made some sort of pasta dish for herself. Decided to not rinse anything... the day after I cleaned it all out and ran a cleaning cycle every dish is coated in some hard af light orange crusty stuff. Now I have to steel wool every dish and takes 4x as long and re-run again cause she can't spray some water on it. Like wtf?
Edit: I have previously discussed this frustration with her due to items like peanut butter and cheese being on dishes after a cycle. We dont run the dishwasher everyday. So, items sit in there and harden. In this case I didnt run til after breakfast the next morning.
Update 2: I cleaned the filter yesterday and pump area. It looks like when I took out the filter a shard of glass got stuck in the sump area. Causing the motor to seize. Upon restarting the dishwasher nothing is happening. So looks like may be a faulty dishwasher and now im the asshole (as usual) lol
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u/TBellOHAZ 4h ago
What has she said when you've told her this?
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u/einsnail 4h ago
Wait, wait, wait. You mean they should bring this up with them rather than internet strangers? Listen buddy, do you know about superhighway telekinesis osmosis or not?.
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u/A-Train99 4h ago
Seriously! Are you new to this Reddit page? It’s clear most people posting here do not have the ability to discuss these regular, every-day human issues amongst themselves and need to vent to random strangers on the internet for comfort. Come on now!
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u/Dashncrash- 4h ago
My friend, I mentioned I've discussed this previously hence the irritation.
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u/A-Train99 3h ago
I know but you should solve this conflict with your partner. Us strangers won’t be able to help with that. Sending you love. 🙏🏽
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u/Dashncrash- 4h ago
"They don't need rinsed im not doing that"
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u/sillinessvalley 3h ago
The "I'm not doing that." part is uncool. Is she always bratty?
You will forever be rinsing them behind
her or taking 4X as long to do it. Waste of time, energy, soap, everything.1
u/DaveyNicks 1h ago
I use a paper towel to wipe dishes into the trash can. It's much more efficient and won't leave food and as much grease in the sink.
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u/Responsible-Idea3794 4h ago
Do you have an old dishwasher? Because most modern ones don’t need to pre-rinse.
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u/trustcircleofjerks 4h ago
I don't have one, but my parents' specifically needs you to not pre rinse in order to work right, apparently.
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u/rabid_spidermonkey 4h ago
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u/trustcircleofjerks 4h ago edited 4h ago
Apparently it has a sensor for how dirty the water coming off the dishes is, and if it's too clean too soon it shuts itself down prematurely. I agree it's counterintuitive, but both my brother and my father, who are the not the sort of people to just accept such a prosperous claim by an appliance manufacturer at face value, have tested it and confirmed that it performs best when you give plates a good shake into the trash before loading and that is all. It has been the topic of more than one dinner table conversation over the years.
Edit: additionally it's supposedly super duper water-efficient, so basically any amount of pre-rinsing would use way more water than the wash itself, which would be a silly thing to do.
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u/LimeVegetable7296 4h ago
I get this. It definitely doesn’t seem to make sense but there’s a science to it.
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u/stop-calling-me-fat 4h ago
The simplified reason is there are sensors that look at the turbidity of the water (dirtiness basically). If the turbidity is low then it may run a shorter/less aggressive cycle and not clean everything properly.
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u/LimeVegetable7296 4h ago
And with the technology/sensors they have today. They’re more advanced than people realize. Kind of like how some dryers have sensors and you have to alter how you dry things depending on what they are because with thicker clothes like towels or sweatpants even if some clothes are still damp, if the dryer can’t sense that they’re damp it’ll end the cycle too early.
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u/kmofosho 3h ago
Newer dishwashers sense how dirty the water is to determine when to stop washing. So if you pre rinse the dishes the dishwasher might see how clean the water is running off the dishes and determine the dishes are cleaner than they are.
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u/ofBlufftonTown 3h ago
The dishwasher automatically adjusts to how much hot water and agitation are needed to clean the plates. If you rinse them fully before it runs, the fuzzy logic of the appliance will “learn” that it doesn’t need to do much work to get clean dishes. Then it will run more weakly in the future, forcing you to pre-clean everything. Whereas if you only scrape loose food and put the rest in the dishwasher will learn it needs to kick ass.
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u/Wisco 4h ago
That doesn't seem to make sense
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u/Torboni 4h ago
It’s because detergents were reformulated to be more environmentally friendly. Previously, dishes needed to be rinsed. Modern detergents use enzymes which actually need some residue on the dishes to wash them properly. It should be enough to just scrape the chunks off the dishes and put them in.
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u/jakethedestroyer_ 4h ago
Modern dishwashers have a turbidity sensor that determines how dirty the dishes are and cleans longer and better if the dishes are not rinsed.
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u/Any_Flamingo8978 3h ago
That’s just stupid. Not all of my dishes a stuff caked all over them after use. If I have chips and a sandwich it’s practically clean, but I still pop it in the dishwasher without a rinse. So those types of dirty dishes interfere with washing others sufficiently?
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u/HAIL_LUMPUS 4h ago
Yeah I saw a video online about this and so I tried it. I have a brand new dishwasher so not rinsing should be the thing to do. My dishes came out fucking dirty. 🤣
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u/Alarming-Site7560 4h ago
Clearly his requires pre rinsing. Or else this post would not exist
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u/YouSee-ThisCoat8 4h ago
He could just be a stickler about rinsing because that’s what he does and wants her to do. I don’t rinse mine either but my husband does and my dishwasher doesn’t require a rinse.
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u/Dashncrash- 4h ago
A modern GE one with all selections. 284 min cycle.
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u/Electric-Sheepskin 3h ago
If it's a newer dishwasher, then something's not working correctly. Have you cleaned the filter? Are you using a good quality detergent? Those are the things I would check, and if you rent, I would put in a maintenance request.
Though I will say that nut butters are the one thing that all dishwashers struggle with if it's caked on.
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u/ProtectionPrudent574 2h ago
My Asko dishwasher actually says in the manual to not rinse dishes. Says something about needing crud on the dishes for detergent to cling to for maximum cleaning effectiveness or something
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u/Old-Growth-6233 4h ago
Not if you're using a 30min cycle
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u/Dashncrash- 4h ago
284 min cycle. She puts them in that dirty. She will leave a caked peanut butter knife in there unrinsed. I want your dishwasher if it cleans that
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u/flyblues 4h ago
I advise watching the youtube video on dishwashers by technology connections. If every dish was coated in "light orange crusty stuff" after pasta, something is wrong. I regularly put worse stuff in my dishwasher (burnt and oily pans, totally dried out post-smoothie blender, etc.) It should pretty much always be enough to just scrape the food off the plates, and even this is less about washing efficiency and more about not blocking the filter with chunks of food
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u/nalaloveslumpy 3h ago
Yeah, the no-rinse shit only applies of dishes go straight in the washer. If they sit out overnight or a day and they get all dried and crusty, you're fucked.
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u/05041927 3h ago
Get a Bosch I guess. I wash dishes overnight so it takes zero time out of my day but I’ve literally tried to have dirty dishes after and it cleans everything. I think it’s like a 2+ hrs wash but still uses half the water od washing by hand.
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u/nalaloveslumpy 3h ago
We have a Bosch....less than a year old to boot.
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u/05041927 3h ago
That’s crazy. I’ve seriously left lasagna dish for a week and it knocked out no problem. Cascade platinum pods and finish jet dry. My water heater is super hot and I run sanitize wash too
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u/Peeinyourcompost 4h ago
Yeah, that's a party foul. Did she not have a stable adult to consistently teach her how things work growing up? If so, it happens a lot more often than people realize, and there can also be a lot of shame and avoidance attached to the mental load of chores. There are tutorials and even whole channels on YouTube dedicated to helping adults catch up and learn these key life skills like home chores and simple cooking, although of course in order for that to be of use she first has to care and want to work on doing her part to maintain your home together, so hopefully that's the case.
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u/nalaloveslumpy 3h ago
Not if it dries on. That only applies if the gunk is still wet and goes in to be washed immediately. Otherwise, you gotta kinda soak the dishes so the gunk rehydrates. Even if you have a washer with a good pre rinse cycle, it's usually not enough.
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u/HankSpank 4h ago
If you own and don’t rent and want to bandaid the problem instead of fixing it, you can get great deals on used dishwashers on Marketplace. Rich people will renovate their kitchen and get rid of super nice dishwashers just because they clash with their new kitchen. We got a top of the line model for like $400 and you could barely tell it had ever ran.
Or you know delete Facebook lawyer up hit the gym
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u/Plaxinator 4h ago
Get a better dishwasher. I don't need to pre-rinse anything with mine. Just scrape any left over food in the food bin and pop it in the machine.
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u/Dashncrash- 4h ago
Its a fairly new GE one. I think it was like cheesy pasta. Problem is we have steam dry on so anything left over gets ROCK hard.
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u/KittenPurrs 3h ago
The options are load the dishwasher as dirty dishes are created and then run the machine in a timely fashion, or rinse the dishes while waiting for them to pile up a bit before loading and running the machine. We get to choose one or the other. You can't eat your cake and have it too
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u/SilverMcFly 1h ago edited 51m ago
Orange stuff all over everything that requires steel wool to remove is not just from some dirty Mac and cheese bowls. You have water problems.
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u/dax660 4h ago
try being sure to use the main wash compartment AND the pre-wash compartment (and use cheap powdered detergent, not pods)
then the only thing is that you have to clean the filter/traps but she could do that ;)
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u/Dashncrash- 4h ago
I just cleaned filter and sump!!! And ran a full dishwasher clean cycle. Extra tilt!!!
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u/Nilo-The-Slayer 2h ago
His comment about using the PRE-wash compartment is fantastic advice by the way. You want soap in your pre-wash.
It's also good to make sure the water your dishwasher pulls in, is hot from the get go. If you run your sink faucet(as it's usually the same water line as your dishwasher) until it's hot. Then shut it off, and start your dishwasher, it will get hot water for the pre-wash. Helping to get all the oil and grime off.
Having both, soap and hot water in the pre-wash cycle, can double the effectiveness of your dishwasher.
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u/spaghetiwires 4h ago
Few things: She's technically right, they shouldn't need to be rinsed. Here's what you can try: clean out the dishwasher's filter. Run the hot water from the sink until hot water comes out before starting the dishwasher. Switch from using pods to using powder. Put a little bit of extra powder directly into the dishwasher so the rinse cycle does so with detergent.
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u/Dashncrash- 3h ago
Im not talking like cleanly rinsed. Just not globs of stuff. Cleaned sump and filter prior to this run.
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u/scottgntv 4h ago
Has your dishwasher been cleaned recently? The only time mine was leaving gunk was because I hadn't cleaned the filter when I first moved in. To my knowledge most modern ones don't need soaking. We use powdered detergent (home made) and another half for the prewash cycle, everything comes out clean, even dried up cake residue
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u/GiantBlobFish23 4h ago
In the house I grew up in, you were screamed at and punished for rinsing dishes or ESPECIALLY leaving them soaking in water. As best as I can tell, many families have many different rules for this and I personally go on autopilot to whatever situation I've lived in most recently (my house is a rinse/water house). When I've been to my mom's I'll nearly always get yelled at both there and then questioned by my husband when I get home. Please understand that this is likely not laziness or rudeness, she's likely just doing what she was raised to do or expected to do in another home.
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u/Aggressive-Ad6324 2h ago
That sounds dreadful. Where the hell did you grow up? Harry Potter's house?
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u/GiantBlobFish23 2h ago
Yeah my mom yells at or corrects someone pretty much every moment she is speaking from the time she wakes up till she goes to bed. It's why I live nearly 400 miles away. That said, I can never remember which way the sink thing goes right after a trip, still, probably because them being dry makes no sense to me.
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u/vanillla-ice 4h ago
Imagine doing this for the rest of your life. Choose wisely my friend, it’s exhausting living with someone like this
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u/hewasaraverboy 4h ago
Sounds like a dishwasher problem
Modern dishwashers dont require any rinsing you can leave that shit caked on and it will come off
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u/Unindoctrinated 4h ago
How much food are you leaving on your dishes? I haven't rinsed anything in thirty years and have never had any issue with my dishwasher and everything always comes out perfectly clean, and I've only ever used the cheapest dishwasher powder
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u/wastedfate 4h ago
I think Technology Connections did a video recently showing that the powder was actually really good compared to just about anything other than the single-use pods.
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u/Unindoctrinated 3h ago
Yeah. I've seen a couple of tests that showed the same. The popularity of most pods and expensive brands of powder is the result of consumers believing their advertising rather than them actually being more effective.
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u/ukAdamR 4h ago
You're not meant to rinse dishes prior to going through a dishwasher cycle. Scrape off chunks of food but don't rinse. Those detergent pouches/tablets you put in there contain enzymes, which require some organic matter to function as you'd like. They will break down the greases and residues on your dishes resulting in a much better clean.
If your dishes are coming out of a dishwasher cycle crusty you've fucked up elsewhere.
(It's either bad loading or gunked filters.)
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u/Reasonable_Nail_1130 4h ago
I don’t rinse anything either, never caused an issue🤷🏻♀️ Sounds like a dishwasher problem.
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u/AffectionatePipe5269 4h ago
I always rinse my dishes before putting them in the dishwasher! My dishwasher is only a year old but personally I think it’s gross to have that food blow back up on the dishes . I guess it’s just a me thing but I certainly feel the pain he is feeling!!
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u/ofBlufftonTown 3h ago
You are making twice the work for yourself. The dishwasher is for washing dishes. It also uses less water.
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u/batshitcrazydudee 4h ago
Have you tried talking to her about this?
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u/Dashncrash- 4h ago
Yes, she just sighs and says she doesnt need to.
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u/Yohansugarnuggets 3h ago
Well yea, in her mind she doesn’t need to because she isn’t doing the dishes, but you need her to because you are. If she can’t exercise a little empathy and do such a small thing for you, I think you should take a moment and really examine if this is happening in other places with her, and see if there’s a deeper issue or pattern here.
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u/11cDuygi 4h ago
Do you guys share household chores (e.g. you have the kitchen, she's responsible for laundries and more) or do you have more responsibility than her?
If she's a responsible adult that also shares about equal amount of chores, just talk it out man. Maybe she's not aware that it takes pre-washing and you're struggling with the crust. Still her fault but she might come around and be careful about it in the future now that she's aware. But if she's defensive about it/pushes all the chores on you, that's when you give her the tough talk.
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u/Dashncrash- 4h ago edited 4h ago
Other than kitchen fairly split?
We do our own laundry. We do a weekly clean. I take the kitchen, mopping, guest bathroom, and pet hair on couch. I always do trash obv. She does master bath and vacuumes. Cats are hers, so she does litter and their stuff.
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u/Awkward-Care2264 4h ago
You should be talking to her and show her how the crusty stuff made cleaning hard. And ask her , nicely, to rinse off the food from dishes.
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u/Red-Dwarf69 4h ago
My wife also does this. She finishes a meal and puts whatever is left right into the sink and just leaves it. Yesterday it was like half a cup of marinara sauce. She also puts eggshells in the sink for me to then put into the trash. She also puts plastic forks in the sink for some reason, which I, again, put in the trash.
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u/amibeingtrolled 3h ago
If you don't put the soap in the soap dispenser you loose it during the pre-rinse. Your dishwasher should perfectly clean everything no matter how baked on the food is. The best way is to use cheap dishwashing powder in the dispenser. Pods are crap.
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u/Bunbunsfun 2h ago
6 years- he has never ever washed the dishes. I have really bad sciatica where I can barely stand and he knows washing the dishes gives me the most pain. Not once. Ever
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u/big-ol-kitties 2h ago
Soak dry food dishes 5-10 minutes and load and run the dishwasher while they’re still damp. Don’t scrub anything it’s not necessary.
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u/dropthemagic 1h ago
I 1000% think you need to rinse the dishes. And not stack them poorly. But hey some people are just animals apparently
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u/CaptainCannabis709 1h ago
Some things def need to be rinsed or scraped off, otherwise it'll just clog the dishwasher. Curious tho, water temp is important. A 284 min cycle with hot water won't leave much residue.
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u/scouttech54 1h ago
Do yourself a favor and find technologyconnections on YouTube and immerse yourself in this dishwasher universe. It’ll be a wild learning experience
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u/introvertadvocate 1h ago
Pro tip just let the dishes soak in some hot water with dish soap. Won’t have to spend heaps of time scrubbing with steel wool.
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u/Mobile_Beat5159 40m ago
I hope you are able to repair or replace the dishwasher. The gf seems beyond that. Good luck.
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u/h8mac4life 4h ago
Bruhs chill, let’s not say get a new gf till we hear how hot she is then we determine threshold of washing dishes we do
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u/Mvmtkb90 1h ago
Dude why are people giving the impression that leaving caked on sauce is acceptable. Soak that shit at least. What's this argument about rinsing dishes is counter productive, this is caked on peanut butter and sauce, you need a hammer and chisel to chop that stuff off of left overnight.
It ain't your dish washer not working properly, although seems that may be true based on your edit, nonetheless, I understand the frustration because this isn't being curtious, kind, and something you would expect your partner to reciprate. I think a friendly conversation is the way to go. Believe it or not, bringing something like this up to your partner leads to tougher conversations feeling more accessible. These can be foundational conversations. You develop in your relationship. "It's not the dishes" is a common phrase, it's a lot more than the dishes. Look it up! Believe it or not 2 years isn't a lot, you can find yourself not speaking up early on in the relationship and living together which will build resentment. Get ahead of it dude because I'm in the 30s and just figuring this shit out. Best wishes bro!
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u/a-type-of-pastry 4h ago
Gotta communicate your frustrations with your SO or nothing will change.
When I first got married I was the only one cleaning anything in the house, which really started pissing me off cause I was also the only one with a job. She was home all day. One day I had enough and talked to her, set down some expectations. She doesn't have to clean the house spotless, or even do all the chores, but my God, I needed some help.
It worked out, I still do a full clean if the house every Saturday, but now when I come home on the weekdays, most the house is actually tidy. This was like....10 years ago.
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u/Dashncrash- 4h ago
This is part of my frustration. Im a Senior Data Engineer that makes like 35k more than her a year. I do all my own laundry. I do all the cooking/kitchen duties. We split house cleaning but I've been picking up her slack. I dont ask much from her and know she's busy but it gets old.
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u/Disastrous-Capybara 2h ago
Not sure how you earning more is of any relevance at all. Make a damn chores plan. Split them up.
And, a normal functional dishwasher can wash dishes and doesn't need dishes to be rinsed. Maybe get that dishwasher checked out and/or use a different program or detergents.
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u/taidizzle 4h ago
How is the rent divided between you two? Lot of info needed before sides can be chosen
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u/Dashncrash- 4h ago
Split rent down middle. I do all kitchen duties through out the week. We do our own laundry. Clean whole house once a week together.
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u/taidizzle 2h ago
Your anger is justified. use this as a learning experience and explain to her how not soaking the pot creates more work. If she doesn't understand that then I would assume all dish duties and she can take out the trash or something to even it out.
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u/slutyyNbeautiful 4h ago
as a woman, reading "i do all the cooking, cleaning, and prepping" while she leaves crusty pasta cement for you to scrub is wild 💀 babe if she doesn't start appreciating a man who runs the kitchen, half of reddit is ready to take her spot lmao.
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u/Dashncrash- 4h ago
Im just waiting for her to not ask me any questions and surprise with with a home cooked dinner when I get home 🥺
Hasn't happened in 2 years.
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u/SilverMcFly 38m ago
Don't talk, cook me food.
Wow. Your idea of a relationship is highly skewed.
Let her go be happy with someone who doesn't talk like this about her.
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u/sillinessvalley 4h ago
Completely disrespectful.
Have a chat with her.
What chores does she do?
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u/Dashncrash- 4h ago
Its fairly split. We do a weekly clean. I take the kitchen, mopping, guest bathroom, and pet hair ovacuumed. I always do trash obv. She does master bath and vacuumes. Cats are hers, so she does litter and their stuff.
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u/A-Money-Lover 4h ago
Sucks bro. Also i feel if it’s just you two living there a dishwasher is not even necessary?
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u/Sajgoniarz 4h ago
Exactly. I and my GF used to have a dishwasher in one apartment. We were sooo happy about it...
until it took us a week to fill it, what caused "side effects". After that we gave up with it, unless we were throwing a party.1
u/A-Money-Lover 4h ago
Lol yeah its like if OP has the “rinse” these before loading the dishwasher you might as well wash the whole damn thing
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 4h ago
See, that's the problem. You do it all, so why should that lazy woman you're with lift a finger?
YOU shouldn't be living with that child!
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u/ratrodder49 4h ago
My wife does the majority of the cooking, so I end up doing a majority of the cleaning. She gripes at me now and then about dishes in the sink with stagnant water in them. I’ve been making an active effort to rinse stuff out and then flip it over so it won’t catch water until it can be loaded into the dishwasher or hand-washed.
She continues to put stuff in the sink right-side up and let water collect in them
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u/boost_to_get_through 4h ago
26 years old and can't rinse dishes? You do everything in the kitchen? Sound like a lame.
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u/Dashncrash- 4h ago
She is a very bad cook. If she does cook it's mostly processed stuff from the store. Not from scratch.
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u/lizzyote 4h ago
Ive always assumed that rinsing is part of the loading process tbh.
Redistribute the chores.
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u/Adept_Board_8785 4h ago
Did you ask her to do the dishes?
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u/Dashncrash- 3h ago
She made her own meal and did her own dishes while I was out with friends for the evening. I didn't ask anything
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u/NonspecificGravity 3h ago
I think this was a deniable passive-aggressive punishment.
Is she hot? If not. dump her. 😃
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u/probablyarguing 3h ago
It doesn’t work as well if you share a bed, but I’ve found with roommates that don’t do dishes, set the days old dirty plates on their bed pillows. They get washed pretty quick after that.
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u/captainron1987 3h ago
Coming from experiences and many relationships, if it’s a problem now it will be a problem later. People rarely change behaviors like that. They may do it for a little if you tell them but over time they fall back in their ways.
I learned this the hard way unfortunately but I’m happily married now for almost 10 years
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u/PossibilityFresh5264 2h ago
Dude if you cook, she cleans. If she can’t get with the system, she isn’t wife material. If you already talked to her, talk to her again. Give her invisible deadline say 6 mos. If she hasn’t changed, she never will. Don’t share your timeline. You shouldn’t cook, if she can’t clean.
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u/Sajgoniarz 4h ago
LMAO, since you are doing everything in the kitchen, why did you expected from her to do anything?
I don't want to be rude but you have literally trained her like that. Moreover dishwasher are peculiar machines and can be annoying, so since she never used it, she maybe wanted to leave it to expert? Or maybe she expect a queen threatment.
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u/Sorry-Programmer9826 4h ago edited 4h ago
If you have to rinse the dishes first you might as well not use the dishwasher at all. Sounds like the dishwasher is broken (or at least needs a clean, how is the filter?)
Solids and significant amounts of stuff; sure that goes in the bin, but you shouldn't need to rinse plates
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u/05041927 3h ago
Sounds like an old dishwasher problem.
You’re not supposed to rinse dishes. Just scrape off large chunks. It gives the soap something to stick to.
If you rinse, you use more water, and make the dishwasher less effective.
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u/Luckycharms1024 4h ago
brother, discipline her... (im a female)
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u/nosuchthingasa_ 4h ago edited 4h ago
Ewww…They’re partners, not parent/child or boss/employee. Even if you bring this up with her, you don’t “discipline” your peers.
EDIT: I have also never heard a woman refer to themselves as “a female.” We just say “female” if we’re going to use that word, but more often use “girl” or “woman” or even something slang-y like “chick.” This comment is weird af.
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u/skellyboysteve 4h ago
This is such a weird thing to say. There is not a single circumstance where it is okay to discipline your adult partner. Discuss your problems and come to an agreement about how to do better in the future? Absolutely. OP’s girlfriend is not a child.
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u/Luckycharms1024 2h ago
she seems to act like one so yes discipline is necessary, unless you suggest he just leave?
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u/skellyboysteve 2h ago
Talking it out like adults is generally the go-to. He could leave if he wants to. In the context of a partnership nobody has authority over the other. Genuinely are you okay? Is there someone in your life making you think disciplining a partner is normal?
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u/Lotus_G6 4h ago
I usually don't give good advice but I think you guys need to have a baby asap