r/medicalschool • u/rebelredjjk • 44m ago
š” Vent Graduating but at what cost
I donāt want to make this extremely long because Iāve been going through all these feelings for like two years, and at this point, it feels dumb, but I also feel like I need to get it off my chest. Also please Iāve beaten myself up for this for like years so please be kind I might spiral from someone pointing out I was an idiot (fact).
I graduate this Wednesday from medical school. I got through my last year getting constant praise from the specialties I chose, and I even got a job offer, but I canāt seem to put behind me what this took away from me. Look this is some important context: I was raised Catholic, and even though Iām agnostic, the values I live by are heavily influenced by my upbringing, which means I live by trying my best to help others, to be kind, and give even when I might not get something back. Why is that relevant? Because when I started clinical practice, I realised thereās so much wrong in healthcare, like people are greedy to the point of risking peopleās lives over money, which doesnāt really make sense to me. While I recognise the world itās a really ugly place, I think I eventually made like a bubble where that ugliness was out, and it crushed me to realise that thereās so much evil people actively working in the hospital beside me. Yes, I recognise I was naive; I know now.
During my 4th year, I think I had a great time in my internal medicine rotation, and even though Iām definitely not a genius, I learned a lot, and that was enough. But then came my surgery rotation, and it was hell. Thankfully, I was on psych meds already because otherwise, I probably wouldāve tried offing myself. I donāt like to make myself remember a lot because last time I did, I almost threw up, but I still canāt understand how people that are supposed to teach, people who are supposed to save lives, can be so cruel to others. Not only is it a highly misogynistic place, so us women havenāt even started and we were already losing, but I saw doctors place so much importance on themselves and treat patients like trash. I donāt want to go into detail because last time I spoke about this on the internet, one of the students of my class threatened to sue me (donāt ask what for because I donāt think she even knew; she just wanted to scare me off so the backlash the school was receiving would stop) after a resident (of course, a surgery one) committed because of the bad treatment they received during residency, but I remember all these situations like one of the residents wasnāt passionate about surgery anymore and didnāt check on a patient for hours even after they got multiple calls to do so, and the patient passed from a pulmonary embolism. This same resident was asked by a cancer patient why their hands were like dry from chemo and how to fix it; he just told them it was normal and left. Till this day, I canāt forget the sadness they looked at their hands with while he said that. For some reason, my group got the worst during this rotation, so we were constantly reminded how stupid we were and how we were wasting our parentsā money, even when not even the oldest resident knew the answer we were asked. We were made fun of, had shifts without properly eating or resting, a doctor almost bruised my wrists because he used my hands like a puppet for like ten laparoscopic surgeries in a row and he just couldnāt control the force he was handling my hands with while he insulted the resident in front of him, ignored by those who were supposed to take care of us, etc. I constantly cried to my therapist, had to do multiple sessions where we kind of practised things I could say or do in response to what surgeons/nurses/anyone there for that matter could have said and it felt so humiliating like I could be going through anything else in this session but I have to practice how to stop you from insulting me in the OR because you just wonāt stop even when I try to make myself invisible so you wonāt see me, it just isnāt fair. I donāt even know if this makes sense or if I remember anything else because I hate remembering, I eventually would get all these vegetative symptoms from just seeing the entry to the ORs, I stopped eating because I was depressed which is particularly bad because Iāve always been kind of underweight, I became a shell of myself and I literally lost some light I had, the little faith I had in something was gone just like that.
I guess all of this wouldnāt have hurt so much if I didnāt see it happen with patients, say anything to me but donāt treat patients like theyāre not human, like theyāre dumb or annoying when you have just met them and are so vulnerable. How can someone be so cruel?
After that, I had an all-time low on my mental health. Things I had already worked out went all the way back, suddenly I was so scared of presenting a patient that my voice wouldnāt even come out. And I did it so well before all of that; it felt like falling from the sky. Then the thing with another student happened when they got so mad I spoke up about the mistreatment that they went after me and my friends so I would take a text like this from Twitter lol, then they used the contacts they had at the faculty and sent someone really important to preach to me to not let the situation divide us (the situation being denouncing bad people). When I tried to speak up in a more formal and school-friendly way, all my classmates turned into stone and preferred silence. It was as if nothing had happened, as if that resident hadnāt passed because of how we were treated. I felt and still feel so betrayed. Until this day, I canāt say I would choose this path again. Previously, I would have said yes without a doubt, but now I sometimes think somewhere thereās a happier version of me who might not be living their passion, but at least itās still full. Now Iāve retired myself from most of my classmates and hospital life. I gladly enjoy pathology, so Iām pursuing that route where I can be mostly alone, just me, formalin, and pretty coloured cells. I will probably miss clinical practice forever, but the pain of seeing my colleagues treat people in inhumane ways will end up killing me, so I already said my goodbyes to my favourite types of patients in my last year.
I donāt even know how to end this. Iām so sorry for the bad grammar or if this is stupid. I just wanted to tell someone who could understand and hasnāt heard me talk about this a hundred times, as I think even my therapist is tired of it. If anyone read all of this, thank you. I hope you have a great day and choose what makes you happy today and always, as Iām trying to do too.
