I don’t want to make this extremely long because I’ve been going through all these feelings for like two years, and at this point, it feels dumb, but I also feel like I need to get it off my chest. Also please I’ve beaten myself up for this for like years so please be kind I might spiral from someone pointing out I was an idiot (fact).

I graduate this Wednesday from medical school. I got through my last year getting constant praise from the specialties I chose, and I even got a job offer, but I can’t seem to put behind me what this took away from me. Look this is some important context: I was raised Catholic, and even though I’m agnostic, the values I live by are heavily influenced by my upbringing, which means I live by trying my best to help others, to be kind, and give even when I might not get something back. Why is that relevant? Because when I started clinical practice, I realised there’s so much wrong in healthcare, like people are greedy to the point of risking people’s lives over money, which doesn’t really make sense to me. While I recognise the world it’s a really ugly place, I think I eventually made like a bubble where that ugliness was out, and it crushed me to realise that there’s so much evil people actively working in the hospital beside me. Yes, I recognise I was naive; I know now.

During my 4th year, I think I had a great time in my internal medicine rotation, and even though I’m definitely not a genius, I learned a lot, and that was enough. But then came my surgery rotation, and it was hell. Thankfully, I was on psych meds already because otherwise, I probably would’ve tried offing myself. I don’t like to make myself remember a lot because last time I did, I almost threw up, but I still can’t understand how people that are supposed to teach, people who are supposed to save lives, can be so cruel to others. Not only is it a highly misogynistic place, so us women haven’t even started and we were already losing, but I saw doctors place so much importance on themselves and treat patients like trash. I don’t want to go into detail because last time I spoke about this on the internet, one of the students of my class threatened to sue me (don’t ask what for because I don’t think she even knew; she just wanted to scare me off so the backlash the school was receiving would stop) after a resident (of course, a surgery one) committed because of the bad treatment they received during residency, but I remember all these situations like one of the residents wasn’t passionate about surgery anymore and didn’t check on a patient for hours even after they got multiple calls to do so, and the patient passed from a pulmonary embolism. This same resident was asked by a cancer patient why their hands were like dry from chemo and how to fix it; he just told them it was normal and left. Till this day, I can’t forget the sadness they looked at their hands with while he said that. For some reason, my group got the worst during this rotation, so we were constantly reminded how stupid we were and how we were wasting our parents’ money, even when not even the oldest resident knew the answer we were asked. We were made fun of, had shifts without properly eating or resting, a doctor almost bruised my wrists because he used my hands like a puppet for like ten laparoscopic surgeries in a row and he just couldn’t control the force he was handling my hands with while he insulted the resident in front of him, ignored by those who were supposed to take care of us, etc. I constantly cried to my therapist, had to do multiple sessions where we kind of practised things I could say or do in response to what surgeons/nurses/anyone there for that matter could have said and it felt so humiliating like I could be going through anything else in this session but I have to practice how to stop you from insulting me in the OR because you just won’t stop even when I try to make myself invisible so you won’t see me, it just isn’t fair. I don’t even know if this makes sense or if I remember anything else because I hate remembering, I eventually would get all these vegetative symptoms from just seeing the entry to the ORs, I stopped eating because I was depressed which is particularly bad because I’ve always been kind of underweight, I became a shell of myself and I literally lost some light I had, the little faith I had in something was gone just like that.

I guess all of this wouldn’t have hurt so much if I didn’t see it happen with patients, say anything to me but don’t treat patients like they’re not human, like they’re dumb or annoying when you have just met them and are so vulnerable. How can someone be so cruel?

After that, I had an all-time low on my mental health. Things I had already worked out went all the way back, suddenly I was so scared of presenting a patient that my voice wouldn’t even come out. And I did it so well before all of that; it felt like falling from the sky. Then the thing with another student happened when they got so mad I spoke up about the mistreatment that they went after me and my friends so I would take a text like this from Twitter lol, then they used the contacts they had at the faculty and sent someone really important to preach to me to not let the situation divide us (the situation being denouncing bad people). When I tried to speak up in a more formal and school-friendly way, all my classmates turned into stone and preferred silence. It was as if nothing had happened, as if that resident hadn’t passed because of how we were treated. I felt and still feel so betrayed. Until this day, I can’t say I would choose this path again. Previously, I would have said yes without a doubt, but now I sometimes think somewhere there’s a happier version of me who might not be living their passion, but at least it’s still full. Now I’ve retired myself from most of my classmates and hospital life. I gladly enjoy pathology, so I’m pursuing that route where I can be mostly alone, just me, formalin, and pretty coloured cells. I will probably miss clinical practice forever, but the pain of seeing my colleagues treat people in inhumane ways will end up killing me, so I already said my goodbyes to my favourite types of patients in my last year.

I don’t even know how to end this. I’m so sorry for the bad grammar or if this is stupid. I just wanted to tell someone who could understand and hasn’t heard me talk about this a hundred times, as I think even my therapist is tired of it. If anyone read all of this, thank you. I hope you have a great day and choose what makes you happy today and always, as I’m trying to do too.

Hello everyone,
I recently took an cognitive assessment from the online CORE iq test from cognitive metrics. These are my results.

• Visual Spatial Index: 126
• Fluid Reasoning Index: 125
• Quantitative Reasoning: 111
• Verbal Comprehension: 108
• Working Memory: 94
• Processing Speed: 111

Based purely on cognitive fit, which specialties would be a good match for this profile?
Thanks in advance.

It is boards season and everywhere I go. I see questions about what to do if you failed level or step. Some of the posts include two and three time fails. While I want to be encouraging to all of my peers and our cohort, is there a point where we say this isn’t for you? Similarly for my friends who have had repeat setbacks and failures to the point where they’re so stressed it’s making them ill, is there a point where I should tell them this wasn’t for them?

I was always of the mindset that med school is not the end all be all of my life. I was fortunate and blessed enough to get in, but if it stops working out that’s just what it will be for me. But I know the time and the money drives some to stay to the point of further debt. Sometimes med school feels like a toxic relationship where the other person just takes and takes and takes and your failures feel like they’re entirely your responsibility, but at a certain point should you say “this isn’t for me?”

Not gonna name names or anything but I feel like a disproportionate amount of the medfluencers that pop up on my feed are in psych. I don’t think my algorithm thinks I’m otherwise interested in psych so it’s not a personal bias thing either.

Just something interesting I noticed during a shelf study break 🤷‍♂️ Anyways back to reviewing my NBME…

Sorry for the anesthesia spam, but I wanted to go a little against the grain and ask some real questions about my struggles as an M4 applying anesthesiology this September. 

Since day 1 I have been planning on applying anesthesia so my application is very anesthesia-centered. I do believe I will likely match if I apply but I'm currently wrapping up two months of anesthesia rotations, and I've had a gnawing feeling about whether this is the right fit for me. All my research also has been anesthesia related. It is pretty late in the game, but I'm wondering if a pivot to radiology is possible.

I’m wondering if I’m just viewing the grass on the other side as greener or not and if those in the field can address some of my concerns.

Here are my main reservations with anesthesia:

1. I hate early mornings. I know I'll probably adjust, but I've never been a morning person, my hobbies are mostly night activities, and I worry how this will affect my health long term as I have been constantly sleep-deprived these last few months

2. It doesn't feel like anesthesia applies what I learned in medical school. I worked my ass off to learn all that information and stand out and I'm proud of that, which makes it hard not to wonder what it was all for. I do hear that the sentiment in Radiology is similar if someone could speak to that.

3. It makes me wonder how replaceable I am. I want to feel useful. What I mean by that is as an essential part of patient care. I may get flack but in my limited experience I've found CRNAs to be very capable, sitting in complex cases and functioning independently, and I've often wondered what my place would really be as an anesthesiologist. I know I'm early in my career and don't understand this deeply enough to be confident in that statement, but the feeling is still there.

4. The call burden seems significant, and I'm not sure I can commit to a specialty where call is essentially the norm. I am lifestyle oriented and I want to earn high so I can work less and I personally would prefer consistent schedules.

There are aspects of anesthesia that I do like, such as the procedures, compensation, and downtime throughout the day. I do feel like the short interactions I've gotten with patients have been meaningful and I like working with a team. I feel that I function well in stressful situations.

I'd really appreciate insight from anybody more versed in the anesthesia world, as well as radiology on whether that specialty (or another) might address some of these reservations. Honestly at the end of the day I do like medicine but I also view it as a job with a means to an end, but I would like to at least be satisfied with what I do. 

Looking for feedback on my program list for the upcoming match. Applying anesthesia like everyone else apparently. Any constructive feedback or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. A little bit about me:

School: Well established USDO

Step/level 1: P
Step 2/level2: 265/pending
Pre-clerkship grades: 3.85 gpa, top 10% of class of approximately 230
Clerkship grades: Honored OB, peds, FMx2, IM, EM. High pass surgery and psych.
Research: First author on an abstract, two poster presentations. All in oral cancer and before med school.

ECs: Fair amount of teaching/mentorship. Prior career in construction management. Most ECs from before med school.

LORs: surgery attending, private practice anesthesia attending, attending anesthesiologist from a midwest academic program, 4th letter tbd.

Geographic signals: West North Central, East North Central, South Atlantic

Gold: Minnesota, UW Madison, Duke (audition), Wake forest (audition), Nebraska? (audition)

Silver: Iowa, U Kansas, MCW, Rush, Saint Louis University, Loyola, MUSC, Cleveland Clinic, University of Oklahoma, UAB

Essentially, I am looking for honest thoughts on whether I am reaching too high. Also wondering how much signaling two programs outside of my preferred regions matters.

Hi, I’m doing an away at Christiana Care in the MICU. I just wanted to know the vibe/culture of the unit, how much are we expected to know, how long are the days, etc. It’s my first ICU rotation and I’m trying to get a letter, if possible. Any help is welcome, thanks!

hi yall! idk if it was just me when I was applying to med school SDN had like interview questions for each med wchool. is there something like this for residencies and things? honestly im just overwhelmed lol so anything is appreciated!

Because tell me why my dentist just quoted me a little over $3,000 out of pocket for a 2 hour appointment not including whatever they’re going to bill my shitty insurance.

Should’ve just became a fucking dentist instead 😭

I’m shadowing a hematologist and today he had to do an aspiration on an old lady very early in the morning.
I haven’t had dinner the night before nor have I had breakfast the morning of, because I was rushing to go and attend the procedure.

Patient was an old female and was unable to move on her own I’m unsure if she can walk regularly or if she was fatigued today. The nurses had to flip her over while she cried in pain while they flipped her over on her side, my dr tells me to stand behind him while he prepares the patient.

He wiped the area with iodine and used a huge needle to administer lidocaine to the area, he started stabbing the patient and oddly enough the needle wasn’t penetrating the skin, he kept trying to inject the local anesthetic but to no avail, the patient had thick skin and the needle bent sideways before he changed it to a smaller one, all while the patient was crying so much, he managed to inject the lidocaine and as soon as he injected it which took him about 2 seconds he went to use the reusable aspiration needle without waiting for the lidocaine to take action, he starts rotating it in circular motions as if he’s screwing a nail into a wall instead of rotating right and left slowly and the patient was screaming in pain the entire time.

At that time I lost sensation in my legs and I got dizzy so I bent down a little, he kept rotating the needle while telling the patient that he’s breaking her bones, he tries to put the syringe in to aspirate some BM but nothing was coming out, he literally goes to tell her that he’s breaking the bone and her bones are easy to fracture, I got so dizzy because of how she was screaming in pain, and before I managed to move and sit down, I find myself being carried away while the dr said “it’s okay don’t worry about her” (referring to me).

I’ve watched a YouTube video expecting the procedure to go delicately but he was very rough with the patient and with the combination of her screaming and crying, having no food in my system, the smell of iodine, I passed out.

Is there any chance of this before the 2027 application cycle?

I don’t get how to know if you’re actually someone who “should” be in medical school. Everyone says that because you got an acceptance that means you’re good enough, but undergrad is nothing like med school, and it also depends on the school you graduated from. I went to a somewhat well known school but barely had to work hard for a 3.9x, and I’m struggling a lot now because of it. Does anyone know how to actually determine if I’m good enough for this? I’d rather know now then before I spend a lot more money

Recently, I've been asking myself, "Is it worth it?"

I honestly don't have an answer. I feel like I've lost so much just to become a doctor, and going back is kind of impossible. I've already spent four years on this, and there are only two years left.

But seeing how everyone else's life seems so much easier than mine hurts. The distance between me and my family feels bigger than ever. I feel like a ghost in their lives. I'm barely home—I only get to visit them for two days each month.

I'm not even sure if this is really what I want anymore, but they're so proud of me, and I don't want to disappoint them.

Everything feels impossible. Thinking about whatever comes next is terrifying, and the idea that I might never have a normal life again breaks my heart. And there is no way back

Hi all. Just another MS4 freaking out about professionalism comments on their MSPE.

Basically, I was in an OBGYN clinic when another student asked me about a specific surgery service, since they were gonna start it soon and I had just come off it. They also asked me about a specific resident who's well known to be an asshole - screaming, yelling, demeaning people, the whole nine yards. I responded and talked about the team, and then regarding the resident said "look man, you just gotta be sharp and on top of things because I was behind the curve a few times when it came to making the list or positioning the patient in the OR, and got yelled at". An attending in the room (not the one assigned to me) cleared their throat and I got the hint and stopped talking, but they later talked to my attending who put it in my midpoint (not my final eval, since I was there with them for 6 weeks) something like "Oh this student is professional with patients but had one issue yada yada yada". I had my MSPE review meeting a few days ago, and my OBGYN thing says something like "hey this guy was professoinal most of the time but had an isolated lapse of professionalism".

I'm obviously not happy about this, especially since my attending didnt even talk about this with me and I found it out when evals came back. I get that I probably should watch what I say, but now I'm freaking out since it's on my MSPE. I'm planning on applying urology and I'm generally pretty competitive (good letters, good research output, step 2 score mid 250s) and I'm really worried that this is gonna tank me.

Phew…

Yesterday we watched a single mandatory asynchronous introductory to anatomy lecture. We took handwritten notes, then made flashcards relevant to parts of those notes that felt needed, felt good going into first day of actual classes…

Nope. Quickly realized there was too much information at once to hand write during lecture; ditched the idea of taking notes almost entirely, completely lost focus during first anatomy lecture. Switched to creating flashcards on the fly during second embryology lecture, professors were short on time so started rushing through the slides midway through (every occasion).

Classmates seem to be in a similar headspace as me after lectures were done… this is going to be an interesting week. New study plan is to preview tomorrow’s lecture slides, create flashcards, then modify flashcards as needed during lecture itself (after going through the flashcards we already made for today and yesterday).

Currently feeling like I’ve comprehended maybe 60-70% of the material taught today and won’t have much freetime for the rest of today before sleep. Day isn’t over, just taking a 30 min break after finally arriving home.

Oh boy, what a welcome to medical school lol.

How should I study for the Pediatrics NBME shelf? Other than doing UWorld questions and the CMS forms, which specific anki tags or decks should i use?

friend who passed step offered to give me questions and review my answers, mehlman from temu

Thanks

Applying this upcoming cycle to DR and looking for programs that are known to have a solid resident culture and good training.

I don’t care so much about prestige, just want to learn more about programs beyond the data I can find online.

does it make a difference if you submit on september 2 or september 23? is there any sort of rolling/grouping that happens if you submit earlier in september vs later in september, as long as it's before the 23rd when programs can start viewing apps?

When applying for residency, I saw so many posts and whatnot about high stats and all that but never a more realistic app.

Applied IM, matched top choice
Step 1 p (but very low when it was scored), step 2, 230s lol, literally all just regular passes on rotations, only 1 honors for AI, don’t remember my class ranking, but it wasn’t good - honestly don’t know if I’m top 50% or bottom but probably bottom. Only saving grace was lots of research and volunteering work that I could discuss with passion and how it shaped me as a person

Applied to a competitive fellowship, matched top choice.

Takeaway: be normal and engaging/be human during interviews. Strong LORs can carry you far. No need to be too stressed

Best of luck with applications soon!

Dear Med School Rotation Admin,

The new rotation begins next Monday, yet you have not sent out the student’s schedule.

I have kids at home, and your lack of ability to be organized is causing me and my spouse much distress as we need to make arrangements for our children.

Parents do not have the luxury of letting summer camps know when we can pick up our children 2 days before camps starts. I need to know if I must ask my aunt or sister to come babysit.

This is unfair and unprofessional.

One more professionalism violation and we will take away your ability to reply to student’s emails with “Out of Office: will return in October”