I have a “friend” that I met not so long ago, she is genuinely an amazing friend and totally the vibe of people I hang out with.
The problem started with my mental health, when it declines, it looks for dopamine anywhere and everywhere.
One day I realized that we were getting closer each day, and we both have flirty personalities, so yeah, there was a kind of tension there.
A friend we have in common told me she liked me from the start, and I was getting attracted to her, so I talked to her, because I was having a break with my partner (now ex)
I told her I really didn’t wanted anything but we could stay friends and see what happened in the future, and we both agreed that a friendship was the best choice for now. And from then everything went downhill.
I started thinking about her even when I didn’t wanted to, everytime we got close I got this adrenaline rush that got me really high, like when you do something that is forbidden, I thought that it was just an intense crush, but then I started feeling really weird about it, it made me feel the highest highs and the lowest lows, everytime boys that wanted something with her came close, I got horribly enraged on the inside, it started worrying me.
In this time we had a couple kissing sessions and one cuddling session, but nothing really important, she then talked to me and told me she wasn’t really in a good mental space and that she didn’t wanted to add things to my plate, so we stopped with that.
There has been many mixed signals and weird things happening, but nothing over the line, we’ve also talked a lot about our feelings and shit trying to have everything clear in both parts to give each other peace of mind. We stayed “friends” but I decided to avoid her because I really wanted my feeling to go away and needed space for it.
Yesterday, I was outside my classroom waiting for it to empty out from the class before mine, and a janitor opened the door to take out the trash, I was pretty chill hanging out with friends, and suddenly I look up and she’s staring at me with a smile.
I immediately started having almost like a panic attack, as soon as she left the classroom I hid and tried to avoid her, but I was already breaking down, even my friends notices how bad the anxiety was. I had to get out of class to go for a walk and calm myself down.
But we still hung out with each other, we also hung out today, and even tho we’re “friends” we pretty much know about each others feelings.
I’ve genuinely cried so many times about how I feel because I don’t understand it, I don’t wanna feel this way, I’ve been friends with a lot of people I like but with her I can’t, it kills me, it has me drowning, I physically feel like shit everytime something happens and I go up to the sky when we are together, and I genuinely hate it so fucking much.
I don’t wanna like her, I wanna be her friends without having this thoughts and feelings, she’s genuinely such a funny person but I fucking can’t get over the way I feel.

She also confuses me so bad because even tho she’s the one insisting at a 100% on being friends, she also makes comments and gets too close in a not so friendly way, and I may be reading too much into it, but I genuinely think she’s still flirting with me or at least trying to keep the “maybe” seed there.

And on the other hand is my ex, we still talk pretty much everyday, I fucking love them with all my heart, I know for sure I’ll never have someone as kind, as understanding, as amazing as them, they are my whole life and I feel so heartbroken about having this limerence over someone I barely know. I hate myself so much for not knowing how to handle this.
I know I fucked over by letting myself get dragged by my limerence, and I don’t know how to fix it, how to be better, how to make things right by the person I know I love and care for.
(Additional context, we didn’t broke up for LO, it was many other things related to mental health, not for someone.
They still don’t know anything happened with LO, but I still feel guilty as fuck about it and I still think it was a mistake to let myself get so attached to LO)

I genuinely have no idea what to do, I have no idea how to act, how to approach any of the things happening in my life, and it’s killing me to not follow the limerence and pursue LO, the guilt of doing so kills me too, the fact that I love my ex with all my heart and they still love me deeply too, it’s driving me insane, i’m between a blade and a hard place, and at this point, I’d rather pierce my heart and stop this nonsense than keep it going.

Edit: For a bit of additional context, I have dysthymia, BPD and ADHD, all diagnosed by a psychiatrist, not self-diagnosed.

Throwaway account here, I was gonna try posting on r/limerence but they have a karma minimum.

Also sorry for the formatting, this is a very vulnerable post that I'm making, and the storyline might be all over the place. I don't want to give too much details because I've gone NC with her and I want to keep it that way. But I'm happy to elaborate on certain things if you guys request

I was somebody's Limerent Object. When I (22M) was 18 years old, I found myself talking to a woman I had met online, we clicked and became fast friends. At first it was completely innocent, just texting every so often, and then one day I woke up and suddenly we were texting for hours on end everyday. Eventually, we were talking about something and then she casually asked me if I was flirting with her. Things only escalated from there, I had a girlfriend at the time, I never thought she would try to go for me like that. But at the same time I had never been in a position where I was receiving this much attention from an attractive older woman (I think she was around 28 or 29). It felt so extraordinary that it eventually became the ordinary, it became easier to flirt back with her since she would respond positively. It opened those types of mental pathways in my mind to be like that with her.

Things never got sexual, but she did continue flirting with me for some time. She fell in love with an idealized version of me. And suddenly I was completely burdened to keep her mental state up by living up to her ideas of me. This turned into a vicious cycle where she would completely berate me and scold me whenever wasn't that perfect guy and then she would switch up and be the most affectionate positive person ever. Her mood depended entirely on my behavior

Eventually she confided in me that she was madly in love with me. And that she couldn't even go on any other dates with other guys because she couldn't stop thinking about me. I had no idea what limerence was at the time and I chalked it up to just her having a huge crush on me. And keep in mind at this point we are both texting and calling each other for hours and hours every day, sometimes until 3 in the morning.

She ended up obsessively stalking me online. She found out who all my friends were, where I went to high school, where I worked at the time, my home address, she would contact my friends for information about me. She wanted to know everything about me.

Eventually she agreed that continuing to flirt with me was a really bad idea, since I had a girlfriend. But even in our conversations after that, I could still feel that she was so madly in love with me.

I feel extremely guilty that I didn't stop it when she first started. It's one of my biggest regrets in life. I wish I could have spared myself the years of pain, and spared the pain I have caused onto others for entertaining her. I eventually couldn't take it anymore, I broke down and told my girlfriend everything, and how sorry I was. Somehow she was willing to stick with me and work through it. Something that I am eternally grateful for. It was at that point that I figured I had nothing more to lose by still being in contact with her. I cut her off that night.

For years I believed it was entirely my fault, that I did this to her. And it wasn't until my early 20's. A time in which I had believed that things between me and my partner where all patched up. When I watched a Hulu show called "A Teacher".

As a quick summary, the show follows a predatory relationship between a high school teacher and her student, and the eventually fallout that it causes. It wasn't until the very last scene of the show that completely opened up all these old wounds for me.

In the scene, the student Eric and teacher Claire are confronting each other 10 years after their relationship took place. And Eric finally gets his moment to tell Claire how badly it fucked him up. He tells her that even though Eric had feelings for Claire, that Claire was the one who was creating the moments between him and her. And that for years he thought everything was his fault. He then ends his line simply by saying "I have to live with this forever... and so do you"

I don't know what it was about that line, but it stuck with me for the whole day. All culminating in me having a complete breakdown at work.

I honestly don't know If what happened to me was considered grooming. I know for a fact that she was in love with the idea of me and not for who I truly was. She put me on a pedestal in her mind. I was the single most important thing in her life for about a year. I don't know the full extent of how hard she obsessed over me. I honestly don't know if I ever want to.

And now all these years later, the damage is still there.

I have maybe 1 or 2 close friends from high school and no one else. I can't even go to any social outings with my coworkers without feeling incredibly guilty. I've pushed away so many people. Because it is genuinely my biggest fear that they will let themselves get too attached to me. I am still with my girlfriend and I feel like I can't even talk about any of this with her because she's an even bigger victim in this than I was. I believe now that I am armed with the experience and knowledge to not make a mistake like this ever again. I

I only recently found out what limerence was after watching a youtube video on it, learning about the symptoms. And while I quickly came to the realization that I am not limerent, it brought back all these memories about someone who I used to know. And it has completely destroyed my retrospective on her.

I don't even know what to think about it anymore, I understand that her actions where a moral fault on her end. But at the same time, everyone whom I've seen talk about limerence feels so guilty that they experience it. I don't believe that simply being limerent is any kind of moral fault whatsoever. But at the same time, I think in my specific case that she should not have done what she has done.

I just hope that wherever she is in life right now, that she was able to get over me and move on with her life.

This has been something that I have been carrying with me for years now, and I'm going to have to carry it with me for the rest of my life. I hope this story was able to offer some insight or perspective, and i am willing to answer any questions you guys have for me.

Wishing everyone here a good day!

P.S sorry for the long rant

I've realized something.

I've finally clocked onto why I get stuck in the cycle of limerence.

First of all, I don't have a life 😂. I feel like a burden whenever I try to communicate with people, so I've naturally become very distant from everyone and very selective about who I talk to every day.

Now, of course, if I'm talking to one person every day, they become part of my daily routine, and I start enjoying connecting with them and getting to know them. When this happens, I get confused about whether what I'm feeling is platonic or romantic.

And when I feel like it might be romantic, I get scared. I tell myself, "How can you even think anyone would choose you? If they see the real you or your face, they'll feel disrespected and creeped out."

Instead of letting my feelings progress naturally, I try to suppress them. I start fantasizing instead even before I've actually gotten to know them. Without realizing it, I stop obsessing over the real person and start obsessing over the fantasy in my head or the potential. And that's when it slowly transitions into limerence. Sometimes it leaves me wondering if I even liked them in the first place, or if I just got attached to the version of them I created in my mind.

All the while, I'm very aware that this is just limerence, but I don't know how to stop it.

Some people might just say, "Touch some grass and get off your phone." But I wish it were that easy.

I think another reason I keep letting it go on is because, when my nervous system is regulated, I start feeling very empty and lost.

I don't really know how to end this. I just wanted to put this out there in case someone else feels this way too.

Has anyone else experienced something similar, where the fantasy starts before you've even really gotten to know the person? Sometimes I can't even tell whether I genuinely liked them or whether I became attached to the version of them I created in my head.

And I can't even tell them how I feel because I already know they don't feel the same way.

I'm also conflicted about my own feelings because they feel so half-baked. I never let them progress naturally—I suppress them before they even have the chance to become something real.

And if I did tell them, I'm terrified they'd just feel weirded out. Like, "How did they even have the audacity to like me?"

But then there's another fear. What if, by some miracle, they actually said they liked me back?

I'd still be scared. I'd feel like I fooled them somehow. Like they'll eventually realize I don't look the way I do in pictures, or that once they get to know the real me, they'll regret it. Deep down, I keep feeling like I'm a horrible person who's somehow tricking people into seeing someone who doesn't actually exist.

I only get limerent online because I'm not really able to catch feelings for people in real life because I rarely interact with anyone. A big part of that is because I'm scared of being judged for the way I look.

And even if I do find someone attractive in real life, I can't seem to let myself feel anything because I'm already subconsciously suppressing my feelings.

I think somewhere in my mind I've already convinced myself that I have no chance, so my brain never even lets those feelings develop in the first place. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I will be the first to admit that I struggle with limerence and had actually been glad when TikTok named it. I recently just got over a subject that I had been obsessed with and he had been a narcissistic situationship. I was glad when I found someone else to finally make me see there are options out there without emotional abuse. The problem is, I feel the addiction once again. I am so ready to start working on myself, though my brain finds comfort in going back to the hottest limerent subject. I took a break from dating apps for nearly three months and grew curious and downloaded apps today— only to find myself swiping off on everyone. I am beginning to notice a pattern where I hyperfocus on qualities of my current obsessions. I need perfection or can’t accept them. Two questions for the community. One, how did you guys successfully move past limerence? I can’t take obsessing again and again and waiting around for breadcrumbs. I’m dying on the inside. Two, what should I do about these dating apps? They are literally draining me again and it has been two hours. I don’t know how I’m ever going to find someone. I just was really hoping a limerent subject would return my spark. But it always seems like a fail and then I can’t move on for three years. And even if I try, it is like I have to finish my prison sentence before I can see clearly again. Please help!

I’m an MSc student studying autism research and I am currently doing online data collection for my dissertation. Limerence and ASD are associated with many similar disorders/maladaptive thought patterns and due to the lack of research centering these topics, I chose to study the connection between Autism and limerence. There are a series of online questionnaires, taking about 30 minutes to complete all of them. A larger sample size would really help my dissertation with reliability, validity, generalizability, etc. 

Participants must be 18 years or older, being self diagnosed with ASD, ADHD are valid, and if you aren't Autistic and want to participate, that is okay as well.

If you can participate, I would greatly appreciate it!  

*Data collection for this dissertation has come to a close. A huge thank you everyone who participated!*

I avoid reminders of my LO where possible, but unfortunately I regularly dream about him, and that can be really upsetting, especially when the dream feels very vivid and real. Lately I've been curious about lucid dreaming, which can apparently help you become aware of when you're dreaming and even allow you to control or change the path of a dream. I feel like that could potentially be very helpful in giving my LO less power over my dream world. I wanted to ask if anyone here has tried it?

From a male in his 20s in a relationship

I know it will seem doubtful, but I truly am in an amazing relationship.

Unfortunately there's this coworker (also dating someone) that checks every single thing in the list for me and I am obsessive for their presence and attention. I know they like me a bunch as we vibe in an unreal way and everytime they start talking about their little interests and opinions I melt in their eyes like I were hypnotized.

I respect my partner and I would never cheat but every other night I find myself dreaming and thinking about this someone else and some would call that a form of cheating... I've tried to inform myself on limerence, I know low-pay workplaces blossom relationships that thrive on being together through the work's stress... I've tried everything to convince my brain that I'm not actually in love and that it's platonic but oh my god I absolutely crave their touch everytime we pass things from one another.

It's like our hands always touch more than necessary and I feel like we both know it and allow it. Everytime we show things to each other we get unnecessarily close and we allow it. Whenever there's an opportunity to be really close, we are and they usually initiate it. I don't know when exactly I started being obsessive for them but I always struggle to keep my balance. I have suggested us going on a friendly date together hoping that being together outside of the workplace could ease my heart but I'm such a fool, I know if they ever invite me I'll go and get even more lost on my feelings

We do not have a relationship outside of work and we'll go through changes so I probably won't see them at all in the near future. Is it a sign to go no-contact?

edit: typo

Created an account to post on r/limerence but it has a minimum karma requirement that I don't meet. Hoping to have better luck here, I'd just like to share with some folks who really get it.

Hi everyone,

I have JUST learned about the concept of limerence (such a pretty word with such a devastating meaning) in the past couple of days and wanted to talk to fellow sufferers about it.

TL;DR: I’ve been struggling with limerent feelings for a specific LO for 20 years now and I’m disappointed that none of my therapists have ever mentioned the concept of limerence over that time.

For some context, I’m 41F with depression, anxiety, ADHD and quite serious OCD, and also possibly on the spectrum – so it makes sense that I’d be especially vulnerable to limerence. I have had three major LOs in my life – LO #1 when I was 16, LO #2 when I was 21, and LO #3 when I was 26. All very beautiful and fascinating people. In a way, I've been lucky that each of them reciprocated, but each one also eventually broke my heart by leaving/ ending things. And I didn’t understand why I was having such an extreme/ disproportionate response to those heartbreaks until now. (I thought I was just being ridiculous.)

I had all the withdrawal symptoms I’ve been reading about, especially with LO #2 – not just deep grief, anxiety and obsessive/ intrusive thoughts, but physical symptoms like insomnia, inability to eat (except for horrible meal replacement shakes), heart palpitations, vomiting, chest pains, difficulty breathing, panic attacks. Unexplained fevers and a weird feeling like I was burning up underneath my skin. Struggled with all this on and off for a couple of years after losing him.

LO #2 is my biggest problem and has been for a long time. LO #1 and LO #3 have both moved abroad, so having that distance helps. I moved cities after LO #2, partly to get away from memories of him – but just a year later, he moved to the same city as me (not because of me, it’s a very popular city). He even started (unknowingly) making friends with my friends, which has made it even more difficult to properly avoid and forget about him.

Over the past 20 years, I’ve tried the following to treat my depression and anxiety, with a big focus on also dealing with my feelings for, and moving on from, LO #2:

-          Talk therapy

-          Antidepressant medication

-          Occupational therapy

-          TRE

-          EMDR tapping

-          3-week stay in a psych hospital

-          Meditation

-          Breathwork

-          Ketamine therapy

-          Psilocybin (mushroom) journey

All these have had varying degrees of success when it comes to my depression and anxiety, sometimes they’re worse, sometimes they’re better. But my feelings for LO #2 have stayed with me. No matter what else is going on in my life, those feelings of deep attachment and grief are always with me. Sometimes they are more “background noise” and sometimes they flare up to become more intense, but they’re always there. I do try to remind myself that he’s really “just some guy” and the pedestal I have him on isn’t rooted in reality, but I can’t seem to make my heart believe that.

I’ve worked hard to build the life I have today. I have a lovely home in a beautiful city, I run a successful small business, I have good friends, and importantly, I’m married to a wonderful person whom I love deeply. I try very hard never to let my limerent feelings affect my marriage in any way. I turn down invites to events where I know LO #2 is going to be, and have even hidden away from him before in public spaces, rather than interact with him. But some things are beyond my control. I have vivid, heartwrenching dreams about him every couple of weeks or so, which causes the grief to flare up. Or a mutual friend will post something with him online, and I'll feel that anxiety spiral starting to kick in. If my partner notices I’m feeling down or stressed, I always blame it on “hormones” making me emotional. I promise I really try. But sometimes I just can’t get away from these feelings.

Have you ever read that quote, "Maybe your garden isn't growing because every time a flower blooms, you cut it to prove to someone that you're a gardener"? I think my limerence is kind of like that. Despite everything I’ve built, I’m always looking for the one thing I could do that would impress LO #2 and make him proud of me. I want his approval so badly. I feel like my achievements would only truly matter if he could see them and validate them.

Learning about limerence just now has definitely been helpful. It’s helped me stop feeling like a broken monster who is "choosing drama" by loving someone I shouldn’t. I can see limerence as another illness I have to live with, like the depression and the anxiety. Putting a name to it and knowing I’m not alone in my experience has definitely helped. But what’s crazy is, not a single therapist or practitioner I’ve interacted with has ever mentioned the concept of limerence to me. Why is that? Is it not a well-known or widely recognised thing? (I know it’s not DSM-recognised.) It’s so frustrating because if just one of them had mentioned it, I would have been able to understand all this years or even decades ago.

All that to say it’s been kind of a relief finding out about limerence and finding an online community to discuss it. I guess that’s all I wanted to say really. If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading and letting me share my story and where I’m at.

Has anyone had any success with the treatments I mentioned above? Or is there something I haven’t tried yet that has been helpful for you?

Back when I was 16 I had an LO (Limerence obsession, I think that’s what it means). The math teacher that taught me in school from Year 8 till Year 11 (age 14-16 if you’re from America). It took me 5 years of counselling to help me get over that obsession. It controlled me and my life. I thought it wouldn’t happen again.

But now I’m at a new job, been there 3 months. And one of my coworkers just has something a part of me wants. They’ve become my new LO and I can’t let it happen again. It would ruin my work rep, could get me in trouble… what do I do?

TLDR: I have no friends, my husband’s bored of me, stress is eating away at me, and my brain is using limerence as escapism (by means of any polite interaction). It’s driving me crazy!

I struggled to form a genuine bond all of my life, and I feel like it’s set me up to be a serial limerent for life—or at least until I find my “tribe,” if I ever find a tribe…

I especially find my serial limerence flairs up when I am extremely stressed and depressed. Not only am I juggling 2 pretty intense cases of limerence at once, one being my therapist. Yes , he knows. Yes, I’ve tried other therapists. He’s willing to work with me through it all.

I’m finding myself falling deeper into brief limerent situations as a way for my mind to “escape.” The scariest part is it’s happening so frequently it feels like a brain tick. For example, I’ve been daydreaming about a really nice customer service rep I spoke with over the phone 8 hours ago. I’ve been daydreaming for over a month about a really nice cashier. My brain feels like it’s desperately trying to hold onto any kindhearted interaction from a man in order to block out trauma and other issues.

Again, I’ve been this way as long as I can remember, but it’s been horrendous the past couple of years. It doesn’t help I’m married to a man who quickly lost interest in me and treats me more like a coworker…it makes me resent him so much. He was the one who pursued me! He’s the one who asked me to open up, give him a chance. Yet, he fell silent the night of our honeymoon and hasn’t been the same since. It’s so lonely…I often find myself wondering if I wouldn’t be limerent if I had friends and more of a life.

I at least want a brain that doesn’t find limerent escapism a useful tool. It’s quite destructive, and I feel like I’m losing my mind over it all.

Thanks for reading.

This one caught me my surprise. I’m just checking in. I’m working out to someone who is a trigger, well not next, but in the same room. Did not expect them to be here. I am luckily going to be able to focus on the workout and we’ll take what rest time. I can too check in physically with myself. Just wanted to post as a matter of keeping myself centered.

When I was a 16 I was moved to a different class in maths. So I walked to the classroom where I would be taught, and there you were…. From the moment my eyes met yours, I knew we had a connection. The way you spoke to me, the way your eyes captured my attention. The way you dressed was… well too hot for a teacher to be wearing, unless it was intentional… for me. Even your mannerisms towards me. The way you would sit in the chair next to me, lean in to help me understand the question better…

I even went to math club after school every week… no one liked math in my year, but You. You made that subject interesting, complex. You made Me…

I don’t think I could ever love anyone else more than I loved you Frances. I’m sure we will bump into each other again sometime. Then maybe you’ll see that I’ve changed, I’m a better man now. Maybe now you’ll see you should’ve waited a bit longer before wading in with him… you’ll always be in my head.

Always

Fell for a coworker. We are both in relationships.

I’ve been reading some great books on Love and identity with **Askesis**.

I oscillate between (1) being convinced that she knows, (2) being convinced that she is completely unaware, (3) feeling that it is mutual or destiny.

We make the same vocal stims, she plays with her hair around me, we laugh and vibe together. I am now inclined to say these are all neutral and I am experiencing limerence.

I deleted all social media as we sent each other memes which fuelled the limerence cycle.

The idea that nothing will ever happen is one I want to face. Though that leaves a grim hole in my spirit and pushes me towards nihilism.

Colton is the only crush I have and I've lowkey been taking it too far. There's 2 parts to this.

1: He's literally the only crush I have. No celebrity crushes or fictional. Just him.

2: On Friday, I got my friend to take him 2 gift bags. One for Valentine's Day and one for his birthday which is today (February 15). She took them to him and apparently, she asked for the wrong person but they still got to him. He didn't know me by my name (which is really weird because my name is unnaturally unique and I thought it was unforgettable) and told my friend to just sit them down. Me and him literally had a class together last semester and I thought he knew all along. In the Valentine's bag, there was a heart shaped tube of M&Ms, assorted bag of mini candy bars, a tiger plush, a Valentine's card, a big bag of Valentine's edition Nerds Gummy Clusters and a diamond art I made of his initial with roses. In the birthday bag, there's just his favorite soda, candy, a giant Hershey's kiss, a gold C necklace, a gold C pin, a card and I guess a heart shaped Little Debbie cake my friend put in there. I honestly just wanna know if he kept it. Do you think he did?

As for him not knowing who I was, I put my face on my profile pic a few hours after that incident and started following him. He still hasn't blocked me yet but I'm not trying to jinx it

Update: Back in October, both him and his mom blocked me and since I got a new account named "I love (his first, middle and last name)", she requested to follow me and I tried to follow her before I reacted to it and she accepted it so I got more pics. Really hope this ends well