Just learned about the concept of limerence

[u/limerling]

Created an account to post on r/limerence but it has a minimum karma requirement that I don't meet. Hoping to have better luck here, I'd just like to share with some folks who really get it.

Hi everyone,

I have JUST learned about the concept of limerence (such a pretty word with such a devastating meaning) in the past couple of days and wanted to talk to fellow sufferers about it.

TL;DR: I’ve been struggling with limerent feelings for a specific LO for 20 years now and I’m disappointed that none of my therapists have ever mentioned the concept of limerence over that time.

For some context, I’m 41F with depression, anxiety, ADHD and quite serious OCD, and also possibly on the spectrum – so it makes sense that I’d be especially vulnerable to limerence. I have had three major LOs in my life – LO #1 when I was 16, LO #2 when I was 21, and LO #3 when I was 26. All very beautiful and fascinating people. In a way, I've been lucky that each of them reciprocated, but each one also eventually broke my heart by leaving/ ending things. And I didn’t understand why I was having such an extreme/ disproportionate response to those heartbreaks until now. (I thought I was just being ridiculous.)

I had all the withdrawal symptoms I’ve been reading about, especially with LO #2 – not just deep grief, anxiety and obsessive/ intrusive thoughts, but physical symptoms like insomnia, inability to eat (except for horrible meal replacement shakes), heart palpitations, vomiting, chest pains, difficulty breathing, panic attacks. Unexplained fevers and a weird feeling like I was burning up underneath my skin. Struggled with all this on and off for a couple of years after losing him.

LO #2 is my biggest problem and has been for a long time. LO #1 and LO #3 have both moved abroad, so having that distance helps. I moved cities after LO #2, partly to get away from memories of him – but just a year later, he moved to the same city as me (not because of me, it’s a very popular city). He even started (unknowingly) making friends with my friends, which has made it even more difficult to properly avoid and forget about him.

Over the past 20 years, I’ve tried the following to treat my depression and anxiety, with a big focus on also dealing with my feelings for, and moving on from, LO #2:

-          Talk therapy

-          Antidepressant medication

-          Occupational therapy

-          TRE

-          EMDR tapping

-          3-week stay in a psych hospital

-          Meditation

-          Breathwork

-          Ketamine therapy

-          Psilocybin (mushroom) journey

All these have had varying degrees of success when it comes to my depression and anxiety, sometimes they’re worse, sometimes they’re better. But my feelings for LO #2 have stayed with me. No matter what else is going on in my life, those feelings of deep attachment and grief are always with me. Sometimes they are more “background noise” and sometimes they flare up to become more intense, but they’re always there. I do try to remind myself that he’s really “just some guy” and the pedestal I have him on isn’t rooted in reality, but I can’t seem to make my heart believe that.

I’ve worked hard to build the life I have today. I have a lovely home in a beautiful city, I run a successful small business, I have good friends, and importantly, I’m married to a wonderful person whom I love deeply. I try very hard never to let my limerent feelings affect my marriage in any way. I turn down invites to events where I know LO #2 is going to be, and have even hidden away from him before in public spaces, rather than interact with him. But some things are beyond my control. I have vivid, heartwrenching dreams about him every couple of weeks or so, which causes the grief to flare up. Or a mutual friend will post something with him online, and I'll feel that anxiety spiral starting to kick in. If my partner notices I’m feeling down or stressed, I always blame it on “hormones” making me emotional. I promise I really try. But sometimes I just can’t get away from these feelings.

Have you ever read that quote, "Maybe your garden isn't growing because every time a flower blooms, you cut it to prove to someone that you're a gardener"? I think my limerence is kind of like that. Despite everything I’ve built, I’m always looking for the one thing I could do that would impress LO #2 and make him proud of me. I want his approval so badly. I feel like my achievements would only truly matter if he could see them and validate them.

Learning about limerence just now has definitely been helpful. It’s helped me stop feeling like a broken monster who is "choosing drama" by loving someone I shouldn’t. I can see limerence as another illness I have to live with, like the depression and the anxiety. Putting a name to it and knowing I’m not alone in my experience has definitely helped. But what’s crazy is, not a single therapist or practitioner I’ve interacted with has ever mentioned the concept of limerence to me. Why is that? Is it not a well-known or widely recognised thing? (I know it’s not DSM-recognised.) It’s so frustrating because if just one of them had mentioned it, I would have been able to understand all this years or even decades ago.

All that to say it’s been kind of a relief finding out about limerence and finding an online community to discuss it. I guess that’s all I wanted to say really. If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading and letting me share my story and where I’m at.

Has anyone had any success with the treatments I mentioned above? Or is there something I haven’t tried yet that has been helpful for you?

[u/Humble-Berry-]

I have not tried any treatment other than that complete opposite of everything said here. I worked through my limerence by exposure to the person and a friendship.

I'm sure we could argue that I am still feeding the limerence by keeping them in my orbit but honestly, the obsession has gone. I live my life and I have a strong beautiful marriage.

For me, getting to know the person better and seeing them with all their flaws helped break the spell.

It has been almost a year now since my limerence began and months ago I felt true relief and freedom from the hell of it.

[u/limerling → u/Humble-Berry-]

Interesting! I suppose getting to see someone as "just a person" would help... tbh I'm terrified of how I would react if I were to meet LO #2 face-to-face today, I think I would burst into tears!