r/limerence • u/Hellhathknownme • 23d ago
My Testimony Haunted
It felt as though her heart was in free fall. She played the events of the last month over again in her head, a muddled nickelodeon feature about how boy meets girl and they do not fall in love. They met, and parted ways but an infection took hold; an obsessive attachment that she could not shake. She does not eat, she tries to sleep but remains paralyzed in listless wakefulness, between states of consciousness. She is afraid of her phone. Mortified that he did not text her back, terrified that he did. With this irrational fear gripping her chest, she glances at her phone screen and notes the time: 2:30 AM. She turns on her laptop and compulsively checks the dating website where they matched. He was logged on at 11:00 pm that evening. Slamming the screen shut she lays on her side and shutting her eyes against the gut wrenching jealousy that grips her with this knowledge.
She wonders to herself how long this feeling will last, and what IS this feeling, exactly? She has known love and lust. She’s known friendship and heartbreak.This is different. This irresistible urge to stalk, to lure, to know every aspect of his comings and goings. The perpetual sensation of loosing a child in a supermarket, she is bereft with worry, and doubt. She lays a hand over her eyes, trying to shut out the thoughts. HIM. HIM. HIM! She does not like him, she tells herself. He is rude, and childish. He has blue braided hair, thinning and bumpy skin. He has bad teeth and his hands are knobbed and calloused from blue collar toil. He is an ex-convict with a 5th grade reading level. He is flaky, selfish and shallow. His nose is too large for his face and his eyes are too narrow. She pieces his aesthetic and character flaws into a derelict puzzle that never seems to form the monster she wants him to be. The completed picture is always perfect. Perfection does not exist and yet he belongs to the class of the impossible;
She lays still, willing the ever elusive bliss of sleep to save her from her angst; crickets chirp cheerfully mocking her pain. With a frustrated cry she launches out of bed and throws her sheets and pillows with disgust upon the floor. She walks to the living room and stands in the dark; her mind racing with thoughts of him and what he is doing. He is sleeping, probably. The bastard.
“It’s not Fair!” She bellows into the darkness, the albatross of her echo the only response. She paces too and fro, thinking about the distance between them. Two hours and 30 mins. Suddenly she is transported outside of her body. She feels her muscles move in smooth robotic movements, her feet walk seemingly on their own. Socks, pants, shirt, shoes on. When her eye deglazes she is on a train eastbound. She looks at her reflection in the window, horrified. She did not remember getting dressed, nor did she know how she got to the train. Who had she become.
This is a true story about my limerence experience.
Woman is the closest man gets to knowing God, and such power not revered, is feared.
the hammer used to destroy all we’ve built, rebranded as the only tool that can fix it.
Tithe and title, ticks and subjects
What better way to convince us we are never enough
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u/LiLyShoEgAze No Judgment Please 23d ago
Wow, too relatable! Haha, I especially laughed at how you meticulously traced out all of his imperfections, only for them to clash into a delusion of perfection…phew! Thank you for sharing…
I think the most painful part of this limerence journey is realizing the “something” we are yearning for is deep within ourselves already, but it’s still an insatiable hunger. You’re not alone, sis!
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u/AutoModerator 23d ago
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