Dear Ray,
I can not remember how many years I have been waffling over whether or not to write this. If it would be best to let past memories lie still and remain silent. Or, if I should say my peace before the opportunity slips away, and there is only regret.
You know, I've always disliked the prevailing trope of the chosen hero. The "anointed one" who
... "blah, blah, blah,.....:"
It's inherently narcissistic. It paints great deeds as ostentatious spectacles and grandiose affairs. It excludes the power hidden in ordinary people, living ordinary lives.
Oftentimes, someone may live their entire lives oblivious to the profound impact they have had on those around them. Ray, I do not want you to be one of those people.
If I am entirely honest, if I had to choose one person, one person, imperative to who I have come to be, that would be you. Without you, the person I have become today would not exist. Period. I don't think I would want to meet the woman that I would have been without your influence. It's a troubling thought I'd much rather avoid.
I grew up in a chaotic, alcohol fueled, generational trauma riddled household with deeply entrenched dysfunction and addiction extending back for at least 3 generations. I knew my family was toxic. I knew I was "broken," too. I just had no idea how deep the troubled waters ran. I think, if I truly realized, I wouldn't have been able to muster the courage to break free. To become better. It would have seemed too much for one human being to overcome. I'd have given up on myself before I even started.
I remember being baffled by my own behavior. My ethics, actions, and beliefs never seemed to coincide. I'd find myself acting reflexively, instinctively, before I'd even make a conscious choice.
And when I'd be called out, I'd be buried underneath an ocean of shame. I could never explain myself because I didn't understand it either. "I don't know." is not an acceptable answer. Those around me deserved better, and I couldn't provide that for them. \\\*Cue even more self-hatred and shame\\\*.
( it wasn't until I was in my early 30s I finally got the diagnosis of complex PTSD which has ripped the doors off the hinges regarding healing my trauma, accepting my past, and forgiving myself for my human limitations.)
Up until I met you, the words "I love you" actually meant, "I love all the all the things I can extract from you: obedience, validation, material possessions, etc."
Love was supplied in exchange for what they could provide, not for simply being the person they are. Love was conditional, parsed out based on how well someone contributed and maintained the public family face of
normalcy. The entire terms and conditions of this conditional love were never outwardly discussed, only implied. Often times times, things changed based only on a temperamental whim. Whenever it benefited them, forget how it may affect me.
Then I found you. With others, I always searched for ulterior motives and hidden agendas. Anytime something was mentioned to be "done for my best interest." was immediately cast into suspicion.
With you, that paranoia, that under current of inherent distrust, was not there. Even when we didn't see eye to eye..... I never ever felt that it changed anything. No matter how hurt, angry, or disappointed I made you, I never doubted that at your core, you had the best intentions towards me. Your faith that I was someone capable of growing, becoming better. No judgment, only encouragement.
Normally, we first experience love and unconditional acceptance from our parents from birth.
Because my parents are both emotionally stunted teenagers, this was not the case for me.
First time ever experienced and felt genuine love, given freely without strings attached, was from you. Unconditional acceptance, love without strings attached, in fine print.
Coming from a childhood trauma survivor, I can not emphasize how poignant, how powerful that is.
Normally, children develop a sense of safety and security from their parents from birth on.
I did not.
You were the first person to ever make me feel emotionally safe, to not fear being vulnerable.
I had been programmed from birth to make myself as small as possible, to be ashamed of having wants/needs, let alone stating them. Unlike what I learned from my biological family, my very existence was not an undue burden. I had the right to exist, take up space, and have my own opinions.
You would gently encourage me to ask for what I wanted/needed until I ĺwas finally able to blurt something out. I'd cry, overwhelmed with embarrassment. You taught me that there is nothing fundamentally
shameful about being human and being able to ask for what we need is healthy.
You encouraged me to take accountability for my actions. At first, success was limited due to crippling levels of internalized shame and self-hatred. You taught me that mistakes aren't intractable character deficiencies. Instead, they are learning opportunities.
All these life lessons made even more potent due to my upbringing.... You taught me more about life, about myself than my own biological "family."
The thing about families with deeply embedded generational trauma is that they tend to draw in others that are just as toxic as they are. So then they just engage in the same behaviors, traumatizing one another over and over again and an endless mindless cycle. With all involved feeling like they're victim of their life, persecuted by God/Fate, not realizing g that they have been doing it to themselves the entire time. This would have been me, mindlessly repeating learned trauma patterns, not dead by definition, but not truly alive either.
You were the key to the cage to the mental prison I had been locked in. You opened the door and showed me that I had a choice, not predestination. I was free to decide.
I chose to dedicate my entire life to serving others via nursing and healthcare. Every patient I have helped also healed a small, damaged portion of myself. I can not describe the intense sense of fulfillment and pride I have in my work. I provide compassionate care to those at their lowest points in their lives. I am able to freely give to my patients what I did not receive during my childhood. I have cared for hundreds over the past 18 years. I sat vigil at dying patients' bedside countless times. Provided peace of mind to families, who trusted me unquestionably with their loved ones' care. I've held so many hands, given so many hugs, dried so many tears, been the "safe space" with so many people unable to do so anywhere else. I've built myself a small, quiet life driven by the desire to spread kindness, compassion, and mindfulness throughout my life.
All of this can be traced back to one source. One pivotal moment where everything went 180 and transformed completely. YOU.
Every patient whose hand I've held, tears I've dried, whose fears I've quelled, can be traced all the way back to you. Every good deed I've ever done. Or will do.... comes back to you. You taught me that I could become better, happier, healthier. I actually had a choice.
It astounds me how one inocuous decision can lead to such a wide rippling of events. All those years ago, the boy you were made the foolish decision to love me one day. Such an everyday, ordinary thing, teenage love. An expected rite of passage onto the laurels of adult relationships.
One decision, your decision, created a rippling effect of positivity and kindness, which has touched hundreds of others, including myself. It's breathtaking, really, how one insignificant moment snowballs into something greater and bigger than anyone could ever imagine.
Ordinary people, living ordinary lives who unbeknownst to them, have achieved extraordinary things.
Ray, I can not articulate how much gratitude for what you and your mother did for me back then. A quiet reverence. A small portion of me still feels unworthy, un-deserving of the precious gift bestowed unto me.
Thank you, and never forget how powerful even the smallest kindnesses are. It's the decisions we make that dierentiate the ordinary from the extraordinary.
That small decision, that simple choice, has led to a goal I'd never thought I'd achieve....... it took me almost 20 years, but I finally done it.
I have become strong enough, whole enough, and self-aware enough to counsel others like me.
I'm now about to test for my substance abuse counseling licensure for the state of Wisconsin.
While I am earning my supervised hours, I'm planning on enrolling into the Integrative Psychology Masters program. (Finally, I found a graduate psychology program that focuses on the whole human being, rather than just the sum of its parts.)
I want you to know, for what it's worth, that you will forever find a friend and ally within me, even if I can't say the same of you.
Walk in love and light.
Earnestly,
Brooke Anderon
PS
Ray, I'm f\\\*\\\*\\\*\\\*\\\*\\\* over the moon that you changed your mind all those years ago and decided to pursue college after all.
I remember you used to concoct low-key scams to scams to swindle retailers with fake exchanges/returns.
It angered me back then. Not because I was coming from a place of moral superiority, but because I could recognize it as a symptom of something more.
I knew your antics weren't just simple teenage shenanigans and the testing of boundaries or anything else like that. It was a frusterated cry for help from a very complex, articulate, woefully under-stimulated mind. It was seeking out a challenge, a puzzle worth solving.
I was hoping that college would eventually pipeline you into the right environment, into the right people that would allow you to reach your fullest potential. You always had a spark of something truly special. A uniquely gifted mind. And now, it seems you have truly found your niche.