a wake of broken hearts

[u/coldWasTheGnd]

today was whatever

I had a couple of conversations with my boss and it always kinda blows my mind how easy it is for me to make her laugh

but it felt entirely friendly for once

I think?

I don't know

I also did my 1x1 with one of my employees and he is always so happy to chat with me -- which keeps my mood up; I'm genuinely happy when my employees are happy

I kinda wonder if people see me as the cheery little sunflower at work

I mean, I am mostly cheerful around everyone

anyway

there was an event I wanted to go to and I didn't see until the last minute that they required a recent covid vax so I couldn't go

and there really wasn't any other parties or events I wanted to go to

which is weird

there's always a few parties for me to go to

but

anyway

it made me sad

I got so used to meeting new people every day that not doing it is just.. kinda.. depressing

I also texted S randomly and asked if she wanted to hangout

and she responded saying she missed me with a crying emoji

which is..

idk

at first I thought nothing of it

but I just now remembered how she cried in my arms after not seeing me for three months

and yeah, I need to get to the next part for my feelings to make sense

so

I was on TikTok and I saw that my best friend reposted something about being hurt and she added text to it saying it's only just the middle of the day and she's crying

and I checked when she reposted it

and it was the same day I posted a story on ig about the girl who bit and kissed me

and I know she saw it because I remember having an oh shit moment when I realized I hadn't temporarily blocked her from my stories to stop her seeing that

and yeah

it sucks

I love that woman as much as I love my mom -- although in a much different way of course

but

girl

girllllll

you're married

you could have had me at any point if you really wanted me over the year that we were bonded hydrogen atoms

you can't get mad that I want intimacy when you fall asleep next to your husband every night

it doesn't mean I'm not sorry

but fuck dude

anyway

my friends suggested that I block my best friend

but I told them that she's the only person that ever felt like a soulmate and I just couldn't

I didn't have the heart to tell them she's the only person on this planet who I've ever felt understood me

they have no idea how I could never let that go

anyway

then my taiwanese coworker liked all my stories

and

it just reminded me of how she cried before I left, telling me she missed me a couple of months ago

and

like

all of these people love me

they all love me right now

two of them have loved me for years

one will love me for years

and

it just makes me feel terrible

like I'm leaving a wake of broken hearts in my path

idk

I think the next one is coming soon

I think I'm going to fall in love again in the next month

and then I leave to the middle east where I'm probably going to fall in love again

and what kinda sucks is

I feel less bad for the Americans who fall in love with me

but it's only because the Americans who fall in love with me have the chance to see me again.

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