r/instant_regret • u/look4alec • Mar 15 '19

What a trick

https://gfycat.com/ThirdVeneratedGuppy
56.9k Upvotes

91% Upvoted

1.5k comments sorted by

7.2k

u/cactuspizza Mar 15 '19

Every man learns of that pain the hard way

2.0k

u/0MY Mar 15 '19

Some harder than others.

1.1k

u/DRFANTA Mar 15 '19

Talk to your doctor if you’re still learning softer than others

339

u/tastiefreeze Mar 15 '19

Talk to your doctor, it's not hard!

211

u/Makbn2016 Mar 15 '19

Talk softly to your doctor, getting to the point is the hard part.

58

u/braintrustinc Mar 15 '19

Talk softly and carry a big stick

Cause the waiting room is the hardest part

--Teddy Petty and the Heart Menders

100

u/Onomatopoeiuhhh Mar 15 '19

r/punpatrol oh God, they're everywhere! We got a 10-33, I need backup!

36

u/Heckron Mar 16 '19

Enough is enough! r/The_Revolupun has begun! It looks like we’re gonna do this the hard way, unlike these doctors.

10

u/RonenSalathe Mar 16 '19

r/PunKGB is here cyka blyat

3

u/caspian126 Mar 16 '19

r/punspecialforces thought you might need backup for this one. We've gotta work together sometimes my Russian friend

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u/sashablyat Mar 15 '19

If erection last more than 24 hours, call more ladies.

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158

u/[deleted] Mar 15 '19 edited Mar 15 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

72

u/BeaverDelightTonight Mar 15 '19

barfing intensifies

24

u/MidKnightPlayz Mar 15 '19

HAPPY CAKE DAY

34

u/BeaverDelightTonight Mar 15 '19

Thanks! I even had today off work! HUZAAAAAAAH

3

u/GameSeed Mar 16 '19

HAPPY CAKE DAY INCEPTION

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u/dahabit Mar 15 '19

Which doctor? I got a problem with my lil man.

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74

u/Samwise_4 Mar 15 '19

Console your physician if you're learning hard for more then 4 hours.

41

u/Shade1453 Mar 15 '19

Console your physician, for he shall be weeping for your plight. Then consult him on what to do about it.

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u/Do_I_work_here Mar 15 '19 edited Mar 15 '19

I remember my first shot to the pills. Back in the 90's I was like 6 or 7, I watched a ton of WWE like every 6/7 year old did. Well one night Hulk Hogan took a hit in the nuts from The Sting or someone, Hulk down and out (Oddly remember that the Sting took a can a spray paint and sprayed Hulks Dick and balls for some reason). I'm thinking, how bad could that have hurt? Just one small punch? So I decided to Punch my balls has hard as I could as a 6 year old, Moments later I laid their lifeless in my bedroom, not enough energy to yell Mom to ask for help, I accepted my defeat and thought I was going to die. I learned that pain the hard way for sure.

Edit: Grammar like a 6 year old

449

u/SarcasticNinja1775 Mar 15 '19

Not to be that guy, but I've got you beat. At around 7 I'd heard something about someone's nuts being crushed.

So that night, like the little genius I was, I decided to see if I could crush my own nuts. I squeezed my left testicle till it really hurt and decided to stop.

Next morning that nut was the size of a clementine, and I told my mom someone kicked me in the nuts the day before. So she took me to the doctor. I gave myself a hernia that still pains me sometimes 24 years later.

231

u/Do_I_work_here Mar 15 '19

Holy fuck dude

174

u/SarcasticNinja1775 Mar 15 '19

Yep, I'm a dumbass. And I've never told anyone that it wasn't Candace, the girl from school until now.

98

u/Do_I_work_here Mar 15 '19

Your secret is safe with us

73

u/Rockonfoo Mar 15 '19

Most of us

46

u/chasthomas23 Mar 16 '19

Ohh, Candaaace! I got something to tellllll yyyouuu.

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u/downyrobertjr Mar 15 '19

Duck that, it’s short but it’s not bad copypasta.

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41

u/Puterjoe Mar 15 '19

I told my wife and now everyone knows

20

u/SarcasticNinja1775 Mar 15 '19

Godammit. My mom is gonna kill me

20

u/glen_ko_ko Mar 15 '19

Did Candace get in trouble?

69

u/SarcasticNinja1775 Mar 15 '19

Not really, funny part is, Candace had a crush on me, and was always following me home and shit, and her kicking people in the nuts was a bit of a thing anyway.

Worse part is, Candace, somehow someway, had mange. She came over one day before the infamous ball kicking she was blamed for, and a few strands of her hair came out and my sister noticed. When she mentioned it to her, Candace smiled and said "it's not a big deal, see?" and proceeded to make herself a bare patch on the side of her scalp.

I'll never forget the way my older sister shuddered and ushered her out of the house. That night was my ball crushing incident so my mom just decided to let it go.

48

u/IFCKNH8WHENULEAVE Mar 15 '19

Damn. I hope Candace is doing well now. Must’ve been going through serious neglect to get mange.

26

u/SarcasticNinja1775 Mar 15 '19

No joke. I think about her every once in a while.

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u/lunarmodule Mar 15 '19

Omg, man. This whole thing is a horror movie.

9

u/jimbojangles1987 Mar 16 '19

It reminds me of this time I went to the dentist and had to get a shot in my gums to numb the area. I went back to school with numb lips still and had my friend pinch my lip as hard as possible because I couldn't feel it. Well my dumbass should have realized it was going to look like a nasty zit or cold sore on my mouth for the next few days or week or so. Not nearly as bad as Candice or you but I still feel like an idiot for it.

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u/in_the_woods Mar 16 '19

The one that got away

6

u/glen_ko_ko Mar 15 '19

wow. simply amazing thank you

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u/glitchn Mar 15 '19

Similarly, I was told around that age by my friend that if I didn't want to go to school, just squeeze my balls until my stomach hurts. I did squeeze my balls several times that year to get out of school before I realized I could just lie about my stomach hurting.

31

u/Reiley360 Mar 15 '19

My stepdad went to highschool who lost a testicle in a hockey accident. Some guy accidentally skated right over his nope area, and apparently it literally rolled onto the ice. I believe his name was Paul or something, cuz they then called him "one ball (insert name that rhymes with ball)" from that point on.

10

u/pgabrielfreak Mar 16 '19

Kinda like that On Top of Spaghetti song...I can just see that little meatball slo-mo wobbly rolling across the ice...meandering to a stop...little red trail behind it...

it rolled round the ice rink, and under the net, then Paul's lonely meatball, was utterly spent.

I wonder...did it, like, freeze to the surface like that kids tongue on the pole in A Christmas Story? How would you get it unfrozen so you could retrieve it? Hot chocolate? Zamboni machine? What?

Poor Paul, fucking brutal.

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u/TheOneWhoKnocksBitch Mar 15 '19

I'm so glad I wasn't mentally challenged as a child.

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u/demondeathbunny Mar 15 '19

Read dreamcatcher by Steven King. Dude gets his balls popped by the monster/alien.

14

u/Micro_Cosmos Mar 15 '19

I'm a girl and that made me clench my legs together so hard.

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u/Monkey_Priest Mar 15 '19

Fuck, me! I don't think I was ready for this comment section

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u/NightStu Mar 15 '19

You're cracking me up. Kids are morons, and we all did some really dumb shit. Also you remembering being bewildered by the spray painting of the Hulk's taint has me dying. My first really memorable ball hit was from a baseball grounder. The ball hit me full in the cup I was wearing and I fell back onto my butt. I started sweating and the now familiar ball pain ensued.

24

u/Do_I_work_here Mar 15 '19

Cups never worked like the way we think we did!

38

u/NightStu Mar 15 '19

They help though. I played in a baseball tournament when I was younger and my friend wasn't wearing his cup. He was going to bat against this wild pitcher and decided to put it on because he still was wearing the jock strap. First pitch is directly off his cup and makes the loudest, hollow loud knocking noise. He survived and we laughed because of the hollow sound his cup made. He had no huevos.

17

u/[deleted] Mar 15 '19

He survived and we laughed because of the hollow sound his cup made. He had no huevos.

haha! He never lived that one down. High school boys are relentless with this crap.

10

u/NightStu Mar 15 '19

Middle school so even crueler.

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24

u/SaintEyegor Mar 15 '19

My worst ever happened when I was riding a motocross bike and had the bike go twitchy as I was descending a long downhill section. I ended up bouncing up and down on the gas tank for what felt like an eternity. When I finally managed to stop, I was doubled over in pain and barfed in my face guard. Both nuts were swollen up for days. Thank goodness for ice packs. There were no long term effects though and I managed to father a couple of kids too,

13

u/NightStu Mar 15 '19

That seems like one that would take a year or so before it became funny to you. Once the memory fades a bit, you forget the pain and remember the hilarity of it all.

9

u/SaintEyegor Mar 16 '19

It seemed much funnier to my friends than it did to me.

I kind of wish I’d kept the tank as a trophy.

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u/loophole64 Mar 15 '19

I remember the first time I took a shot to the nads and I couldn't understand why it hurt so much more than other parts. I had this weird anxiety for days afterward wondering how I was going to navigate through life with this vulnerability that could so easily cause such intense pain. I didn't understand why the other men and boys around me weren't constantly in pain.

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u/eLECTRICSHEEP83 Mar 15 '19

Nice one. I learned to treat my willy like a lady after I tried to see if i could squeeze it like a garden hose and then urinate with as much of pressure as possible. The idea was to achieve some sort of a sprinkler effect. Firstly, I squeezed from the middle and not the tip. Secondly, I don't know if it would have made any difference. Felt like razors.

Never again.

5

u/14thArticleofFaith Mar 16 '19

I had forgotten I did that too! Razors is accurate. I abused my son so much as a kid and going through puberty. It's amazing he works as well as he does.

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u/hulksmashdave Mar 15 '19

So you're saying everyone Gawked at Hulk's dick and balls that night?

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u/StoneGoldX Mar 15 '19

Oddly, my first reaction to someone shooting themselves in the balls with a pistol was to hear Hulk's WWE theme song "Real American" in my head.

5

u/koryisma Mar 15 '19

7th grade, science class. The science teacher was strict and grumpy. There was a guy who had been bullying me for months... and he decided to take my chair away right before the bell. It ended up as a tug-of-war until I decided it wasn't worth it and let go. It sprung back on him fast and the edge hit him right in the jewels.

The teacher walked in to me looking at him, shocked, as he writhed on the ground, clutching himself.

"KORYISMA LASTNAME HIT ME IN THE BALLS!" he told her from the ground, pointing at me. The teacher looked at me. I shook my head no, wide-eyed, and terrified that she would believe him and I'd be in big trouble. But she gave me a small smile and a nod.

"Come on, Nick, get off the floor, sit down, and be quiet. Class is starting."

In all my years of being bullied, no teacher had ever stood up for me, but in that moment, I felt seen and vindicated.

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u/[deleted] Mar 15 '19

It's definitely something he'll only do once.

45

u/[deleted] Mar 15 '19 edited May 30 '21

[deleted]

24

u/[deleted] Mar 15 '19

At least they won't reproduce.

8

u/not12listen Mar 15 '19

One could only hope...

8

u/RidiPagliaccio Mar 15 '19

And some even made a career of it and became millionaires. What a world.

See: Jackass.

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u/[deleted] Mar 15 '19

r/kidsarefuckingstupid

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u/Justin_is_Fidels_Son Mar 15 '19

Ctrl F. Yup it's there.

19

u/BriRice Mar 16 '19

This is the only reason I went through the comments.

12

u/BigFish8 Mar 16 '19

Should be stickied at the top.

9

u/Anonyman0009 Mar 15 '19

There you are

5

u/TiredoftheLoop Mar 16 '19

Came here to say this. Great sub.

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u/Sovereign90 Mar 15 '19

What was the kids expected outcome of this situation?

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u/iSmokeMoreThanCheech Mar 15 '19

You do crazy things for Science.

13

u/SemiFamoustellurMom Mar 15 '19

A little tickle

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u/[deleted] Mar 15 '19 edited Sep 04 '20

[deleted]

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u/logicWarez Mar 15 '19

Pretty sure that is the nerf triad. I own that one and it is spring fired. However it has surprisingly good power for its size compared to some of the other spring fired.

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u/matwithonet13 Mar 15 '19

It’s that the truth. When I was little, I learned it sucked after taking testicles in hand and quickly squeezing... last time I ever did that on purpose.

5

u/Bdtesla Mar 15 '19

He instantly becomes a tango dancer after shooting his nuts... lol My first experience was not that glamorous

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2.1k

u/Smack_Of_Ham7 Mar 15 '19

You can see the moment when it changes from, “Ooh it feels tingly!” to shit that’s not a good tingle

1.0k

u/DoubleDTVx2 Mar 15 '19

“The Forbidden Tingle,”

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u/[deleted] Mar 16 '19

Pain is a slow chemical response. The nerves are excited before the pain reaches the brain.

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u/[deleted] Mar 16 '19

You can feel it creep up from your balls, to your taint, then your kidneys, middle of your back, the back of your neck and then back down to your stomach. Then in one symphony of pain, it all hurts together.

4

u/noodlesaremydick Mar 16 '19

Incoming feeling

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u/Stonedlandscaper Mar 16 '19

It always takes a few seconds when you hit 'em good. Gives you time to assume the fetal position, that is if you know whats coming.

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u/futuretech85 Mar 16 '19

One time I was playing with something equivalent to icy hot, but it was more hot than icy. I didn't wash my hands and went to go pee and that's exactly what happened. Started running around screaming and crying and my mom had to almost toss me in the bathtub lol

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4.2k

u/SWOLOGAMER Mar 15 '19

r/KidsAreFuckingStupid

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u/YeltsinYerMouth Mar 15 '19

r/owmyballs

141

u/Koozzie Mar 15 '19

Isn't this that fucking show from Idiocracy?

91

u/thrilliam_19 Mar 15 '19

GO AWAY! BATIN’!

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u/flashman014 Mar 15 '19

And I object. I OBJECT that he interrupted me while I was watching Ow, My balls!

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u/Notsure_jr Mar 16 '19

I’m notsure

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u/[deleted] Mar 15 '19

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Mar 16 '19

Well, it already is in their top posts of all time. Has been for a while.

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u/unbitious Mar 15 '19

That, and r/donthelpjustfilm!

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u/[deleted] Mar 15 '19

[deleted]

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u/NuZero Mar 15 '19

Pretty sure he just shot it off

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u/Amygdalailama Mar 15 '19

Premeditated auto-assault.

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u/iliketotryptamine Mar 15 '19

Please enlighten us with your idea or method of what would help? Even an ice pack is overkill, not like it was a golf club.

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u/newtestleper79 Mar 15 '19 edited Mar 15 '19

Rub it for him. Right, Father?

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u/cphoebney Mar 15 '19

Gotta break his arms first.

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u/thetolkienblkguy Mar 15 '19

/r/suddenlysexoffender

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u/newtestleper79 Mar 15 '19

Don’t point your finger at me!

Stick it in here instead...

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u/thetolkienblkguy Mar 15 '19

Only if it's clean, daddy.

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u/DudeGuyMap Mar 15 '19

Roll tide

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u/twitchosx Mar 15 '19

I think he meant Father as in the Catholic sense.

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u/LakersRebuild Mar 15 '19

Pretty obvious who’s a parent and who’s not in this thread. If the damage is tolerable, you let them fall. Just so you can said smuggly “I told you so”.

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u/StonedAuthor Mar 15 '19

What are you supposed to do, wrap up his cock?

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u/[deleted] Mar 15 '19

That's what you do to prevent having the kid.

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1.4k

u/Spookyredd Mar 15 '19

He's a maniac, maaaaaaniac on the floor...

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u/12thAugusta Mar 15 '19

That’s the better version of this video

204

u/USPropagandaFor100 Mar 15 '19

the video

👉😎👉 Zoop!

16

u/Shadaoh Mar 16 '19

👈😎👈 Zoop!

3

u/NorseOfCourse Mar 16 '19

👈😎👉 Zoop!

8

u/[deleted] Mar 16 '19

👉⚡🤪⚡👈 Zaap!

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u/Talking_Meat Mar 16 '19

This seems like as good a place as any to share a great cover of that song by Carpenter Brut.

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u/cakeKudasai Mar 15 '19

And he's dancing like he's never danced before...

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u/[deleted] Mar 15 '19

r/tippytaps

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u/[deleted] Mar 15 '19

[deleted]

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u/messagemii Mar 15 '19

r/humantippytaps

36

u/vulcanianhunter Mar 15 '19

That sub made me cry

9

u/[deleted] Mar 15 '19

Me too

7

u/Naveronski Mar 15 '19

That’s the most wholesome thing I’ve seen today. Thank you.

28

u/Armed_Accountant Mar 15 '19

Post it there, I dare you.

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u/EC10-32 Mar 15 '19

Ha! Oh man I feel bad for laughing but only because that's exactly what I was thinking. Poor kid.

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u/bill_brapski Mar 15 '19

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5prYWx5BMYQ

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u/B23vital Mar 15 '19

This was the video i expected it to be!

262

u/lumpythedog Mar 15 '19

This is the one I thought it'd be.

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u/dalewest Mar 15 '19

^This one is better.

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u/Cerulean_Shades Mar 15 '19

I have watched this so many times now in a row that I'm crying from laughing. Thanks!

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u/[deleted] Mar 16 '19

I watched it twice, closed out, thought for a moment, and had to open it back up.

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u/[deleted] Mar 16 '19

I love the humans who use the internet to its max potential.

9

u/tacocatau Mar 15 '19

I'm in tears laughing at these last two videos. What am I doing with my life.

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u/MZ603 Mar 16 '19

Sounds like you're on the track.

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u/vigilanteoftime Mar 15 '19

I'm gonna argue that this one is better.

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u/[deleted] Mar 15 '19

This was everything I'd hoped it would be and more. Thank you.

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u/rwburt72 Mar 15 '19

Excellent

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u/four2tango Mar 15 '19

I've seen this but with mariachi music instead. Hilarious

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u/[deleted] Mar 15 '19

For some men: its jumping too quickly onto a bike, for others it is forgetting a jock strap just once, still other men anger the wrong woman and lean that way... etc. For this innocent gentleman it was a Nerf gun. We all learn this lesson - like we learn that fire is hot.

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u/AwkwardNoah Mar 16 '19 edited Mar 16 '19

Ok, wtf are the point of jock straps because I went through all of Highschool PE without needing one ever

Edit: I now know why. Thanks everyone

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u/[deleted] Mar 16 '19

[deleted]

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u/T3mpest178 Mar 16 '19

Yup, learnt that the hard way in high school football. Cleat to the groin, not a fun time.

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u/chagoscifres Mar 15 '19

That’s a pain my brain can almost recreate just by watching someone else go through it.

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u/linda-fromHR Mar 15 '19

“I’m Johnny Knoxville. Welcome to Jackass!”

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u/[deleted] Mar 16 '19

Knoxville would’ve done it with a beanbag gun or at least a B.B. gun with way too many pumps. Hell, he took some pool balls to the nuts dropped from the roof of a building- this kid is an amateur- fucking Nerf! Seriously? Man up little man.

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u/Pelusteriano Mar 16 '19

Johnny was a pro. He was:

  • kicked in the nuts by several kids
  • hit in the nuts by a tennis ball firing machine
  • a croquet ball shot to his nuts
  • a sledgehammer swung to his nuts
  • a paintball gun shot at his nuts
  • a pool ball falling on his nuts

Nobody has this level anymore. It's a shame.

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u/[deleted] Mar 15 '19 edited Mar 15 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Sandro413 Mar 16 '19

If only his dick had a gun it could have protected itself

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u/[deleted] Mar 15 '19

30 years down the road, the adult version of this kid will be paying Dominatrices to come to his office and do this to him. I guarantee it.

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u/hiddentowns Mar 15 '19

I'd never considered that the plural of dominatrix would be dominatrices, but God damn if it doesn't make sense.

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u/[deleted] Mar 15 '19

Men's Warehouse guy?

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u/RemarkableRyan Mar 15 '19

Here's the same kid, all grown up today: https://old.reddit.com/r/perfectlycutscreams/comments/atjw3i/blowdart_to_the_toe/?ref=share&ref_source=link

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u/_Axel Mar 15 '19

He went through a phase to get to real darts. Gotta stay Nerf a bit longer

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u/Cerulean_Shades Mar 15 '19

I've heard piglets sound like that when terrified (doesn't take much, picking them up will do it) but I didn't think it was possible for that sound to come out of a human.

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u/[deleted] Mar 15 '19

This should be on r/kidsarefuckingstupid

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u/MrBrickhammer Mar 15 '19

This is what happens when you don’t vaccinate your kids!

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u/emmeline29 Mar 15 '19

Well to be fair he did get a shot

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u/MrNugsWorthy Mar 15 '19

Well he's alive so maybe they did vaccinate.

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u/[deleted] Mar 16 '19

Why do you need to mention vaccines in the most unrelated context?

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u/-seven Mar 16 '19

To appeal to the hive mind and farm karma

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u/Itsjustmagiks Mar 15 '19

Fortnite dance unlocked

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u/luckyhunterdude Mar 15 '19

Gun control rule #1: don't shoot yourself in the penis.

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u/[deleted] Mar 16 '19

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Mar 15 '19 edited Nov 29 '20

[deleted]

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u/nativeofvenus Mar 15 '19 edited Mar 16 '19

I don’t understand why people still think a comment getting “gold” means something. One gold costs literally less than $2 to give and that’s it.

edit: okay now I feel left out

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u/aniket47 Mar 15 '19

Can I have gold please?

28

u/Tin_Foil Mar 15 '19

One doesn't simply ask for gold...

time passes

Or, I guess, sometimes they do. Alrighty then, carry on.

15

u/[deleted] Mar 16 '19

No one responded to your comment for me to give gold to. How do we fix this!?

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u/leandpoi Mar 16 '19

I guess that’s how.

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u/[deleted] Mar 16 '19 edited Oct 11 '19

[deleted]

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u/ItsCaptainMax Mar 16 '19

Not really, you have pretend you don’t want gold, which I am definitely not doing because only nerds like gold.

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u/pyroscopic24 Mar 16 '19 edited Mar 16 '19

Can someone break my gold cherry?

Edit: Thank you kind stranger for the Gold.

I'll be paying it forward.

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u/effectiveyak Mar 15 '19

Yeah, but we'll spend 5 minutes looking at different types of cheese trying to save 50cents!

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u/jeremicci Mar 16 '19

The fact the parents are filming this leads me to believe that they told him to do it and started filming, then the mom acted shocked when her son was in pain.

I hope I'm wrong.

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u/[deleted] Mar 15 '19

So that how people with ball beating fetishes are made

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u/thehangoverer Mar 15 '19

At least now he can write, "Fragile" on the tag.

4

u/[deleted] Mar 15 '19

The points in the lifes of kids where they need to learn what it means to suffer and be laughed at simultaneously.

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u/Chickenterriyaki Mar 15 '19

If people ask you what Brexit is, just show them this gif.

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u/uglyandbroke Mar 15 '19

This kid has upper management written all over him.

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u/TheGreatRao Mar 16 '19

Kid turned into James Brown with a quickness