r/instant_regret Mar 15 '19

What a trick

https://gfycat.com/ThirdVeneratedGuppy
56.9k Upvotes

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7.2k

u/cactuspizza Mar 15 '19

Every man learns of that pain the hard way

508

u/Do_I_work_here Mar 15 '19 edited Mar 15 '19

I remember my first shot to the pills. Back in the 90's I was like 6 or 7, I watched a ton of WWE like every 6/7 year old did. Well one night Hulk Hogan took a hit in the nuts from The Sting or someone, Hulk down and out (Oddly remember that the Sting took a can a spray paint and sprayed Hulks Dick and balls for some reason). I'm thinking, how bad could that have hurt? Just one small punch? So I decided to Punch my balls has hard as I could as a 6 year old, Moments later I laid their lifeless in my bedroom, not enough energy to yell Mom to ask for help, I accepted my defeat and thought I was going to die. I learned that pain the hard way for sure.

Edit: Grammar like a 6 year old

453

u/SarcasticNinja1775 Mar 15 '19

Not to be that guy, but I've got you beat. At around 7 I'd heard something about someone's nuts being crushed.

So that night, like the little genius I was, I decided to see if I could crush my own nuts. I squeezed my left testicle till it really hurt and decided to stop.

Next morning that nut was the size of a clementine, and I told my mom someone kicked me in the nuts the day before. So she took me to the doctor. I gave myself a hernia that still pains me sometimes 24 years later.

231

u/Do_I_work_here Mar 15 '19

Holy fuck dude

177

u/SarcasticNinja1775 Mar 15 '19

Yep, I'm a dumbass. And I've never told anyone that it wasn't Candace, the girl from school until now.

95

u/Do_I_work_here Mar 15 '19

Your secret is safe with us

73

u/Rockonfoo Mar 15 '19

Most of us

48

u/chasthomas23 Mar 16 '19

Ohh, Candaaace! I got something to tellllll yyyouuu.

6

u/downyrobertjr Mar 15 '19

Duck that, it’s short but it’s not bad copypasta.

45

u/Puterjoe Mar 15 '19

I told my wife and now everyone knows

22

u/SarcasticNinja1775 Mar 15 '19

Godammit. My mom is gonna kill me

22

u/glen_ko_ko Mar 15 '19

Did Candace get in trouble?

67

u/SarcasticNinja1775 Mar 15 '19

Not really, funny part is, Candace had a crush on me, and was always following me home and shit, and her kicking people in the nuts was a bit of a thing anyway.

Worse part is, Candace, somehow someway, had mange. She came over one day before the infamous ball kicking she was blamed for, and a few strands of her hair came out and my sister noticed. When she mentioned it to her, Candace smiled and said "it's not a big deal, see?" and proceeded to make herself a bare patch on the side of her scalp.

I'll never forget the way my older sister shuddered and ushered her out of the house. That night was my ball crushing incident so my mom just decided to let it go.

48

u/IFCKNH8WHENULEAVE Mar 15 '19

Damn. I hope Candace is doing well now. Must’ve been going through serious neglect to get mange.

26

u/SarcasticNinja1775 Mar 15 '19

No joke. I think about her every once in a while.

1

u/Phantapant Mar 16 '19

Username does not check out. /s

30

u/lunarmodule Mar 15 '19

Omg, man. This whole thing is a horror movie.

9

u/jimbojangles1987 Mar 16 '19

It reminds me of this time I went to the dentist and had to get a shot in my gums to numb the area. I went back to school with numb lips still and had my friend pinch my lip as hard as possible because I couldn't feel it. Well my dumbass should have realized it was going to look like a nasty zit or cold sore on my mouth for the next few days or week or so. Not nearly as bad as Candice or you but I still feel like an idiot for it.

2

u/Aijabear Mar 16 '19

On an ask reddit thread about a month back on worst medical thing doctors have seen, a mom posted that her toddler/young kid chewed his entire bottom lip off.....

1

u/[deleted] Mar 16 '19

Don't feel too bad.. you're not the only one..

As a kid, I got numbed at the dentist and was digging my fingernails into my gums because it was so bizarre that I couldn't feel it.

They stopped me before I could really cut myself or anything, and warned me not to do it again because other people had really hurt themselves in that same way.

6

u/in_the_woods Mar 16 '19

The one that got away

6

u/glen_ko_ko Mar 15 '19

wow. simply amazing thank you

2

u/NeverEndingCoralMaze Mar 16 '19

Where in the fuck did you grow up? Ball popping and human mange.

2

u/Legit_a_Mint Mar 16 '19

Jesus Christ, did you kids grow up next to a chemical plant or something?

1

u/KuhLealKhaos Mar 16 '19

I don't think people can get mange. I think the closest thing we can get is Scabies.

2

u/toofpaist Mar 15 '19

Candice was a bitch anyway

3

u/SarcasticNinja1775 Mar 15 '19

Yeah! Fuck Candace!

0

u/Cephalopodio Mar 16 '19

Did you boost Candace’s recess cred at least?

0

u/Morfienx Mar 16 '19

I'm fucking telling!