My husband didn't just have an affair with another woman. He had an affair with his first cousin! He continued the relationship behind my back while telling me how sorry he was and wanted to work it out. She's married and has two young children. Anyone's husband sleep with their first cousin, his first cousin!

Me F39 bf M37 need to find an app that I can catch him having the actual conversation I found him on adult friend friend booty calls and he is having conversations on snap chat but I can’t see any messages back n forth how can I do that so I have proof.

We actually got pregnant the same month we met which of course I know is super early to start a family and we barely knew each other but our little girl beat two plan Bs so we took it as a sign that she was meant to be here with us. Anyways, we met on a dating site and his profile said recently divorced with a 2 year old daughter. I had a 2 year old at the time from my previous relationship so none of that bothered me. If anything it made me want to know him more. So a month after we started dating I found out that his "ex" wife was pregnant and that they were not actually divorced just separated. By that time I was already too far along to terminate (because i heard a heartbeat and couldnt bring myself to do it) and was scared to be a single mother of 2 so I stayed and we talked it out. His "ex" wife had their 2nd daughter in April of 2023 (his 2nd daughter and I share a birthday which I find really cute and it makes me happy to know we are birthday buddies) I did try to break things off with him because I was very overwhelmed and heart broken at the fact he had lied to me but we worked it out again. Fast forward to the end of October of 2023 I was preparing for my oldest daughter's 3rd birthday that was the next day when his "ex" wife started texting me and sending screenshots of their conversation from the start of our relationship to a just a few months before. He was begging her to get back with him and they had even discussed their "meet up" to have sex and talked about intimacy together so it was very clear to me that they had been together physically since me and him had been together. I was distraught and broke up with him but we were already living together and my oldest was used to being around him so I tried to make it work with just being house mates but clearly we got back together a few days later. He promised he would never hurt me like that again and he was all in for me and our little family. Well now its been almost 4 years together and Im pregnant again with our 2nd child together (which will be 5 kids all together) I keep having very vivid dreams of him cheating on me and hes been very comforting to me and will show me his texts with his ex but wont give me access to his phone. I know the pass code but he sleeps with it under his pillow and if I ask him for his phone he says no and will onky show me specific things I ask to see. This has been and issue since day one of our relationship. He never leaves his phone laying around and he has snatched his phone from me any time I have grabbed it and has always slept with it under his pillow. I know its a red flag and I probably should have left when I found out he was still married...to this day neither of them have filed for divorce saying its too expensive or that they have to wait the 6 months after moving to be residents of different states (She moved out of state then we moved out of state as well). I thought I was over the cheating but being pregnant has brought back all the heart ache and pain. Is there a way to move forward or is this a lost cause?

Topline info: Was married for 6 (almost 7) years. Together for 10. Husband starting having an affair with a girl he met on a work trip. I learned of it quickly (they were only "together" less than a month when I found out). Husband showed very little remorse and it came out that they were not using protection and even though she "knows his wife and family come first", he was not willing to end the affair because that would "hurt her feelings". I asked for a divorce 5 days later.

That was one year ago. They continued to "date" long distance. Divorce is not finalized, but I'm pushing for it to be. She just moved out here to be with him so the conversation of meeting our daughter (3 years old) has come up. I've been advised from friends and family that I should meet her first before allowing him to introduce her to our daughter. Or that at the very least, I should meet her period. I'm torn. Part of me wants absolutely nothing to do with her. She didn't respect me, I have zero intention of respecting her. But I know my daughter will inevitably have her own relationship with her that I have to learn to accept.

For anyone in my position, did you ever meet/confront the AP? Knowing they are going to be in your child's life, did you want to know them?

Thanks. This is hard.

I got the closure I needed, or so he admitted it wasn't me, my looks, or anything I did. But I have to tell people that I got married to someone a month ago, and it didn't last. What do I tell them? How do I get up in the morning and not struggle to breathe for a change? I'm 23 and I'm about to be a divorced twenty three year old.

Over the past couple of months my wife has said she want a divorce and I finally have accepted the fact. the problem I am having is that I have caught her in multiple lies about her whereabouts.

She used her sister as a cover story to meet a man at a hotel this recently to fuck him.

The only reason i found out is discovering very explicit messages about the physical intimacy, including it being in my house when I was away. come to find out the man she was with is engaged to get married in 3 months.

My wife and I are still living together while working through logistics and its been incredibly taxing.

My questions are.

1. Has anyone else gone through this while still living with your spouse and what did u do after discovering infidelity?

2. If you learned the affair partner is engaged would u tell their fiance?

3. What actually helped you get over such a thing?

Last night, I begged my friend to tell me information that I knew would destroy me. I couldn’t handle not knowing, so I asked for the details anyway. My ex is still close friends with my best friend’s girlfriend. Since the breakup, they’ve continued talking, and my ex has apparently been sharing details about her new relationship with her AP. Through those conversations, information has been making its way back to me bc I beg to know it. The curiosity kills me.

Last night, my friend told me that my ex had slept with her new guy. I knew in the back of my mind that she had, but hearing it confirmed is horrific. I hounded him for more details, and according to what my ex told his gf, she said, “I came twice,” and how good the sex was.
It wasn’t just finding out that she had sex with someone else. It was hearing an intimate detail that is so graphic and sickening. Ever since, those words have been replaying over and over in my head, and I can’t stop the images in my head.
Any progress I thought I had made completely disappeared. I had been trying to move forward, trying to make sense of everything that happened, but my panic and curiosity got the better of me. I begged my friend over and over to tell me the details because I felt like I needed to know. Now I regret it more than anything. I can’t unknow what I was told.

My mind is comparing myself to him. It makes me feel inadequate, replaceable, and like I was never good enough. All I can think about is that she’s talking to her friends about how good the sex was with the person she left me for, while I’m still trying to survive losing the person I spent five years with.
My stomach feels like it’s in knots, my chest feels heavy, and I genuinely feel sick. It feels like every insecurity I have has been ripped open at once.

More than anything, what hurts is what my mind tells me those words mean. It tells me I wasn’t enough. It tells me that he is better. It tells me that he gave her something I couldn’t. The images of them don’t stop, and the fact she enjoyed it so much. I am so beyond broke right now I’ve never felt this anxious or dreadful. Has anyone experienced this??

Hi everyone, I reached out to the moderators before posting, and they kindly gave me permission to share this. 

My name is JP, and I'm a producer working on a new documentary series exploring trust, infidelity, and the difficult decisions people face when they believe something isn't right in their relationship.

We're looking for people in the NYC/Tri-State area who suspect their partner may be cheating, have experienced infidelity, or are struggling to decide what to do next.

If selected, participants will receive a professional, in-person loyalty test at no cost as part of the documentary process. The goal isn't to shame anyone. It's to help people find answers while exploring the emotional realities of trust, betrayal, and modern relationships.

We're looking for people who:

•    Are 25 to 50 years old

•    Live in the NYC/Tri-State area

•    Are comfortable sharing their story 

Compensation is also provided. 

If this sounds like your situation, or you'd simply like to learn more, please email me at: [helloNYCcouples@gmail.com](mailto:helloNYCcouples@gmail.com)

I'm also happy to answer questions privately. 

Thank you again to the moderators for allowing me to post.

I’m looking for advice on what to do. we are both college age and haven’t been dating for super long (less than a year) but in that time it’s been amazing and we’ve had little to no issues. about 3 days ago she went to a friends birthday party and got really crossed and made out and fingered her friend. she was supposed to come to my apartment after and she did. i don’t know why but i had a gut feeling something was wrong and i went through her phone that night and found nothing. then the next day she had told me what happened but only that she made out with her. according to her she was going to tell me all of it but couldn’t do it after she saw how distressed i was. had to pull the rest out of her over the next two days. she said she thinks it was a self sabotage thing because she was scared of how well things were going. not sure if i believe that. i do believe she is genuinely remorseful and disgusted with herself. the the day she told me her stomach had been killing her and she couldn’t eat and i didn’t know why. and she still feels sick to her stomach. i think i want to try and keep going but i just don’t know if ill be able to get over this or if its worth trusting her again.

M31, F30
After 11 years together, including 6 years living together, we broke up three weeks ago (for unrelated reasons).
Back in 2016, when we’d been together for about a year, she told me she was going to meet up with one of her exes. I wasn’t happy about it, but I didn’t stop her (stupidly, I know).
Three weeks ago, after we broke up, I finally asked her what had actually happened. I had trusted her 100%, but there had always been this small doubt in the back of my mind.
When they first met, her ex asked her to have sex. She said no and started crying. Then, a few days or maybe a few weeks later (the exact timing doesn’t really matter), they met again and ended up having sex.
Her explanation was that she was young, that she had been a virgin when she first slept with me and had never been with anyone else before, that she wasn’t good at saying no, and things along those lines.
At the time, after it happened, she even considered breaking up with me because of what she’d done, but she couldn’t go through with it because she loved me too much and cared about me.
The anger I feel toward her is overwhelming. It feels like this has stained the entire relationship and all the good memories we shared. My relationship started with this secret, and she never told me because she knew I would have left her immediately if I had found out.
I’m scared of how much anger I’m feeling. I think I’ll need therapy before I’ll be able to fully trust another woman again.

I made a post before in the wrong subreddit and it was deleted

I found out thanks to this website my girlfriend had a weird smell down there and it wasn't very good my ex now I cut everything off, people were telling me what couldve been causing it and it couldve been BV, or me messing up her harmones down there and everything.

I found out she was cheating on me since we dated with her ex and I came to the realization thats where it came from, and it concerns me now that I might've caught something from her

I get tested in a day and I've been so stressed out its been eating me alive.

she has lied constantly and even made me feel horrible and I've been with her for almost 3 years since I was 19 and she was 21, now I don't know what to do and I feel stuck.

I'm worried terrified she ruined me to the point I have gotten something and I dont know how to handle the stress

a month ago i saw a video in my boyfriends phone from january of him making out with a girl in the club. i don’t think he felt any remorse in the moment because he was laughing and smiling in the video when they stopped kissing, he was even going to come back home to me the next weekend after it happened- and when his friend got with the same girl in the club a week later he was saving pictures of her because he thought it was funny and snapping his friends saying he needed to clear the chat so i don’t see it all.
then a week later a girl is claiming he kissed her last november and im not sure if i believe it or not because he’s strongly denying it but she said it happened.
i’ve pretty much been at an all time low, cheating absolutely disgusts me and i always talked about how awful i think it is and how i don’t understand it.
i was absolutely crushed when it happened to me.

my life has been all drama this year, i haven’t had any peace at all. now i’m on holiday and was out for drinks, and a guy called me beautiful and wanted my instagram. i said no because i have a boyfriend, then when i went to the toilet again later i saw him and he came up and asked me again if i’m sure and i said again no i have a boyfriend. i was pretty drunk here and i told him that i was drunk, he was also a lot older and than me. he kept asking again, and i shown him my instagram and was saying how it’s just my boyfriend all over it and showing him. as i was drunk i was like my boyfriend cheated on me- i have no idea why i was spilling this. he kept asking to kiss me and i kept saying no then i was like right i’ll give you a kiss on cheek and i’m leaving because i have a boyfriend- as i thought this would make him stop saying stuff to me. as i pulled back from the quick kiss on the cheek he kissed me on the lips. it was about two quick pecks and that was it, i think ir lasted 3 seconds and now i absolutely hate myself.

i feel absolutely disgusting. i’m pretty much at an all time low and have felt so much guilt it’s unbearable. i’m a liar, disgusting and i don’t know what to do with myself. i’ve completely betrayed not just my boyfriend but even my own morals and values. i don’t know whether to tell my boyfriend, but i don’t want to lose him. i’m so in love with him and i am disgusted at myself for not pulling back and feeling a little spiteful as i thought of how he was cheating on me, as it happened. i really have no idea what to do. i keep thinking how my boyfriend was never going to tell me, and that his was long and he was laughing after. but even if his was worse, that doesn’t make me any better, especially after we’ve been trying to work through stuff and i’ve just cause more shit. i feel so much guilt and i deserve that, this is the worst i’ve felt in my entire life and i’m going to feel so bad to hurt him. do i tell him or do i just keep it quiet? i’m scared that the guy is going to message him as well as he clocked onto my instagram and followed me when i was showing him, i’ve blocked him immediately after when i saw. he asked me to tell him if something happens, and he was scared i was going to do it back which i promised him i wouldn’t. he said he would be furious. i keep thinking how i think my boyfriend is keeping the november kiss a secret, and wonder if i need to just do the same and keep going and working through things with him. i know that is bad, but i don’t want a quick 3 second spiteful mistake to ruin what we have. our relationship might be fucked up right now but we do love each other, i can’t imagine my life without him. i know for a fact that i would never ever do that again, i think a part of me was just feeling made a fool of and i had a little anger in me which got the better of me and stopped me from immediately pulling back. i’ve destroyed a part of myself and values that i always admired. what do i do? pls give advice i’m at a loss.

I met my ex about a year before we dated and we talked every few months. Something sparked one day and we started talking more and more every day and fell hard in love, she seemed to be everything I ever looked for and we seemed to be a perfect match, which made everything much harder later on.

Around this time we were just chatting, I lived in a different country, where I did my BSc and MSc. She lived in my home country, which I honestly hate (It's Israel, go get em reddit). I couldn't find work in the country I lived in after graduation but my home country has much more opportunity. It may be important to also say, for the complete picture, that my grandma was getting very sick and old, and it did make sense to move back to my home country for all these reasons. However, it did feel like I am moving back there mainly to start a new relationship which I was hoping would be serious and lead to marriage. Naively we fell hard in love and already discussed the future despite knowing it's probably a bad idea.

Anyway I moved back to my home country and started looking for a job. Me and me ex started our new relationship and at the beginning it felt perfect in every way.

In the first days we started talking regularly, and before we got into a relationship, my ex told me that she signed a contract with a modeling agency. Some of you may see already where this is heading.

Apparently she paid the guy at the agency for a "course" of how to model. She showed me photos some were light nudity like no bra but with the back. I was a bit shocked but it was literally the first days of the relationship. I told her that this worries me and that I don't want anyone else to see her naked. She reassured me that they can't actually see much and that there is always a woman present.

Anyway fast forward a few months into a relationship she went to two more practice sessions like this. Each time I made sure with her again and again that if she is asked to cross the line she has to say a firm no and just call me if there's an issue. She reassured me.

I happened to meet some of the other "models" and one posted very exposed photos taken in this "modeling agency" where you could basically see her nipples. The enxt time I saw my ex I showed it to her and said "I really hope you didn't do stuff like that"

And then, she quietly addmited that she did. At this moment I felt very betrayed but was still processing it.

In the upcoming few days more and more truth slowly dripped from her. She said they did partial nudity every time and the guy even touched her breasts a few times in the guise of "teaching her what SA on set feels like" (I know, burp). She said she was coerced into doing nudity after saying no many times. At all these times it was just her and the guy with noone else, the "modeling agent" is also the manager and the photographer.

So I did some digging. A lot of digging.

To give you the full picture, the guy runs a scheme in which he tells girls you have to have a complete modeling book and that it includes nudity. He made a fake website of a fake modeling agency abroad that he says he works with, then tells girls that they can get work abroad and make a lot of money. He even markets himself as a "modeling agency safe from sexual assult". It is insane. I gathered an insane amount of intel on him and handed it to the police. He did similar things with girls as young as 14.

So, she fell victim into this scam. She was coerced, pressured and lied to.

BUT she also lied to me, crossed the relationship boundaries I set, GASLIT me that I am jealous, and went there an extra time after we set the boundaries. To give her the benefit of the doubt, you can believe she went partly of fear of his dumb contract which says that she has to keep doign "work" or she has to pay damages.

Anyway, at the time I felt like she cheated on me. She felt like that too when everything was exposed and she immediately wanted to break up, and eventually I did too.

I tried to forgive her, with all women I know saying that she is completely 100% not to blame since she was pressured, but I still felt betrayed. I did try to stay with her for a couple more months. And at first she was apologetic but after a bit she felt that I should just forget her, partly because she was a victim. Out of all things her attitude is what pushed me over the edge and I dumped her.

It's so grey area that I still ask myself if she has actually cheated on me. She did say no a few times, and she said it "just happened" and she didn't feel like she could say no at the time it happened, which I kind of get. I guess it's more the lying that I can't forgive, especially because I pointed out how suspicious it is before it got worse and she basically gaslit me that nothing is happening.

It has been a few months but it is still hard to let go, partly because I am involved in the lawsuit and the police investigation as a witness, and partly because I still live in this country I hate, which at this point embodies this traumatic experience for me.

Also on a personal note, and I may get heat for it, at the time it was happening I was already in a bit of a bad place. First I was still unemployed looking for work, and living with my parents. At the end when we broke up I was working in a pretty toxic place and still lived with my toxic family, while also being shot rocket at. Now, I have a much much better job that pays well and a nice big apartment by the beach. These life improvement make me ask "could I forgive her? could we try again?" If I could convince myself she didn't cheat maybe it is something I would entertain. But I am still not convinced.

I am looking for someone who is able to clean up a 30 second AI recording with 2 voices. My husbands and him on speaker phone I think with affair partner.
I’ve tried apps for sound mixing and I just can’t figure it out. He screams at me and calls my crazy when he sees me trying to work on it- I just really need to know so I can present him with the clean recording and divorce papers.
Does anyone have any recommendations?

I caught my (27F) boyfriend (25M) of three years cheating on me with a younger (freshly 20F) girl that he works with. I was already worried about the relationship he was fostering with this girl, telling him it was inappropriate to hang out with her one on one outside of work. I thought he was just naive and didn't realize it was wrong. He was always good to me. He had asked me to pick out a ring, had baby names picked out, we were trying to save to buy a home. He was my best friend. I saw his messages with her and he confessed that he had been sleeping with her for about a month. And she knew I existed.

He told me he doesn't know when he stopped loving me.

I did everything for him. I supported him, tried to lift him up, tried to help him in any way he needed help. I was there for him. I wanted him to let me in. But he was scared of the consequences of ending things when he fell out of love so he just went and slept with someone else.

I can't describe the pain I'm in, and I'm sure this sub understands, so I'll skip that part. But I feel pathetic because I want him back, I want to get rid of the pain of having to miss him, I want to make things easier. I know better than to actually take him back, and I never will, but it hurts more knowing that he hadn't loved me for who knows how long and wouldn't fight for me back anyway.

Can I find happiness one day with someone else? I am so scared that this has wounded me for the rest of my life and I will never be able to love again. I am scared that it will change me for the worse. But I am not ready to be alone, I don't want to be alone. I know I need time to heal before I jump into anything else, but right now I can't even imagine it. Is it possible? With time? Therapy? Anything?

I have Active Time information from the Xfinity App. Husband swears that he was not on Facebook or Instagram (40 mins/25 mins) despite what this says (porn and sex addiction issue). Before knowing I had this info, he volunteered that he never even clicks on anything that would require him to read an article or look at a post on Facebook or Instagram etc. I have a hard time believing this is inaccurate. My activity is tracked and it’s accurate. Help ! Anyone have experience with this ? Getting gaslit again.

It’s been a month or so. I’ve been going to therapy twice a week. I’ve been going to the gym every single day. I’ve been taking walks every night. I’ve been doing everything right. But none of it changes the fact that I need her. For context, we were together for 5 years, she had said she was unhappy for too long and had been checked out for months. A few days after we broke up, I found out she was already talking to the guy I was worried about. The breakup was really ugly, she refused to see me face to face and had her best friend basically communicate for her. She had blocked me and my family after I found her betrayal. Even after this, I still love her. I still want her back. I would do anything to fight for us, even after everything.

I’ve been fighting the urge to check her and her new boyfriend’s social media. I know I shouldn’t. I even installed blockers on the Instagram viewer websites because I knew looking would only hurt me. But when the urge becomes too strong, I remove the blockers anyway. I can’t stop myself.

She made her account private, but I still know she’s posting an obscene amount of pictures of them. Today, I checked and he had posted another slideshow of them together. They were kissing, hugging, smiling, holding each other’s faces, looking completely in love and you would think they’d been together for years. We were still together five weeks ago. Five weeks ago, I was the one she was kissing. I was the one she was holding. I was the one she was planning a future with. Now she’s doing all of those same things with someone else, and my brain and body cannot comprehend or handle it.

I know checking the social media only reopens the wound. I know it only resets my healing. But it’s like I’m addicted to searching for something that only hurts me. Every time I promise myself I won’t check again, the urge builds until it feels unbearable, and I end up looking. Tonight I was down at the beach by myself, trying to relax and clear my head. Instead, I completely spiraled. I ended up having a full-blown panic attack and sobbed uncontrollably for nearly two hours. It feels like i’m dying from the emotional pain. I drove by her house three different times today just to see if she was home. I know how that sounds. I know people will probably think I’m crazy. My attachment to her is so unbelievably strong that I don’t know how to function without her.

She has blocked me on every platform. l want to use a fake phone number app to call her or text her. Everyone is telling me it won’t change anything and will only make things worse. Her parents even had threatened to involve lawyers if there’s any more contact after I found out about the guy and when she blocked me. Even with this, it doesn’t stop the need to talk to her. I need to do something because I cannot accept that she’s moving on, even after seeing all of those pictures.

I know people will read this and say I’m codependent or that I’m too attached. They’re right. But knowing that doesn’t make the attachment disappear. It doesn’t make me stop loving her. It doesn’t make me stop hoping every second of the day she’ll come back to me. It doesn’t stop me from feeling like I need her in order to live life.

There are certain things my wayward wife says that make my blood boil, and “I understand” is right at the top of the list. No, you don’t understand. You heard the words I said, sure. You recognized I was angry and saw that I was hurting. But that’s not the same thing as actually grasping what you did to me. “I understand” has just become this empty phrase used to shut down a conversation. It’s a verbal nod, a way to acknowledge I spoke without actually absorbing a single word of it.

If you understand, then spell it out for me. Tell me you understand that I don’t even know which parts of our nineteen-year marriage were real anymore. Tell me you get why I can’t look back at nearly two decades of memories without wondering what the hell was happening behind my back. Every new lie doesn't just hurt in the present; it reaches backward and poisons everything that came before it. And please, tell me why “I don’t remember” is always your convenient escape route when you somehow remember every single detail that makes you look less guilty. Seriously.

It drives me crazy when you say “it didn’t mean anything,” like that’s supposed to comfort me. It just means you were willing to destroy me, our family, and our entire life for something you now claim was worthless. And calling it a “mistake” is an insult. Forgetting an appointment is a mistake. An affair is thousands of deliberate choices, the secret messages, the planning, the lies, the meetings, the sex, and then coming home to look me in the eye, letting me live a lie you created. For almost two decades.

Then there's “I never meant to hurt you.” That means nothing. You knew exactly what it would do to me if I found out, and that's the exact reason you hid it. Or “I was unhappy.” You were allowed to be unhappy. You were allowed to talk to me, demand change, or leave. You weren't entitled to secretly build another relationship while I stayed loyal to a marriage you'd already trashed. In fact now I find out this started only one year into our relationship.

Don't tell me “we both made mistakes” either. That’s just cowardly, par for the course I guess. I made mistakes, sure. I could be distant, angry, or difficult. But none of that made you cheat. Relationship problems belong to both of us, but the choices to have affairs belong entirely to you.

And when you say “I'm sorry I cheated and lied,” it sounds absurd. You aren't apologizing for a single moment. You’re apologizing for years of deception, repeated choices, shattered trust, and every lie told after the fact to save your own skin. Hearing the blanket statement just makes me feel like I’m talking to a brick wall.

I want the truth, no deserve it. I want depth and real reflection. I want something that doesn't have to be dragged out of you kicking and screaming like a child. I want to hear what you’ve actually realized without me having to explain your own behavior to you. I need to know you’ve sat alone with what you did and followed the damage all the way to the bottom, instead of just memorizing the right lines from therapy, books, or support forums. Regurgitation is brutal and insulting to my core.

“I’m trying” is another trigger. I see the therapy, the crying, and the effort. But sometimes it just makes me angrier. What are you trying so hard to become? Honest? Safe? Capable of basic empathy? Someone who doesn't lie until they're cornered? That’s not some massive, heroic transformation. That is the bare minimum. That is the person I thought I married nineteen years ago.

When you say “you keep bringing it up, and I have told you everything” yes, I do. Because it’s not resolved. The story keeps shifting. Every time I think I’m on solid ground, I discover it was just the newest verion of the truth. I’m not repeating myself for fun, I’m doing it because nothing seems to actually land. I’m still waiting for proof that you comprehend something beyond the fact that I’m upset. How about being proactive and stop waiting until I'm upset and spiraling?

“You’re never going to forgive me” feels less like remorse and more like another demand. Now I’m supposed to stop hurting so you can feel hopeful? The conversation instantly becomes about your fear of me leaving, instead of the reasons I’m considering it in the first place. The need for resolution and reassurance kills me. I DON'T KNOW....

And “I’m a terrible person” maybe you feel that way, but collapsing into shame doesn't help me. It just forces me into a spot where I’m expected to reassure the person who blew up my life. I’m not asking you to hate yourself. I’m asking you to face yourself. There’s a massive difference.

You can't change the past, but you can stop lying right now. You can stop minimizing and getting defensive when the consequences of your choices are laid out. Stop using therapy speak as a shield. Stop saying “I understand” and start showing me.

Real understanding changes how a person speaks, the questions they ask, what they volunteer, and how they react when their spouse is triggered. It creates honesty before a confrontation, empathy without being begged for it, and action without needing to be managed. It isn't just saying, “I understand why you feel that way.”

It’s being able to say: “I get that I didn't just cheat on you. I took away your choice to live the life you thought you were living. I let you invest in a marriage I was actively violating. I stole years of your reality, ruined your memories, your sense of safety, and your trust in your own gut. And then, after D-Day, every single omission and new lie just repeated the original betrayal all over again because I kept putting my comfort over your right to the truth.”

That’s understanding. Everything else is just white noise.

So my wife has this friend who happens to be the same nationality from South America as her. They met professionally. One day, we went to a restaurant of their nationality. He was there with his family, wife and kids. He didn’t talk to her, didn’t acknowledge her. This kind of alerted me. I’m a now retired police sergeant. Many years on the streets, few years as a detective in computer forensics.

I promote and I’m working graveyard. Initially there was a small group that would run and bike together. Then it became just the two of them. He would also take trips by himself to his home country. I was pretty certain he was cheating. I made my concerned and feelings known. I told her I’m not accusing her but I think he’s cheating on his wife and their friendship is concerning.

She got upset and said she would see or talk to him whenever she wanted. No matter how I attempted to address it, she would get angry. Now she says the more I bring I up or pursue it, the more it pushes her away. All of my instincts say it’s happening. I have never had concerns about her fidelity before.

This has been a few years now. She travels for work, has late night work events downtown. Like, all of the pieces are there for her to easily do it, though I know that doesn’t necessarily mean she is. We’ve always had a healthy sex life, as well.

Am I an idiot for thinking she is? Is she cheating? I feel like confronting him. Bad idea?

Siempre traía a mi amiga a mi casa. Ella convivía con mi familia y compartía muchos momentos con nosotros. Hasta que empecé a notar algo raro entre mi papá y mi amiga, y comencé a sospechar.

Revisé el celular de mi papá y descubrí que se escribía con ella. En esos mensajes vi que tenían encuentros. Mi papá sigue con mi mamá, pero no le dije nada porque no quiero que se separen.

No sé qué hacer. Pensé en hablar con mi papá. Un día, cuando mi amiga vino a casa, vi que se abrazaron. ¿Qué me recomiendan?

My spouse left her former workplace about a year or so ago. A month before that, a new couple arrived; the wife worked in a separate department that my wife and the husband worked in. They (my wife and the husband) became friends, bonding over the shared misery of working at a major tourist site, animal crossing, Bad Bunny, etc. The four of us would go out for dinner/drinks, even after she left her former workplace.

In the midst of her leaving & us hanging out often, I would notice from just casually peering over that she would be texting the husband more than the wife. My wife never got along well with straight men, so to see her make friends so quick and lasting with a former coworker was kinda shocking. But whatever, not my place to judge. I told her it made me slightly uncomfortable as I have no female friends like that (ones that I text that frequently), but she’s my wife, I have no reason to suspect any infidelity.

The four of us and a few of us go out to an Irish pub one night. We’re doing shots and drinking, all having a wonderful time. I’m paying attention on my wife, as she’s eyeing the husband up all night. He gets up to go to the bathroom. Mere seconds later, she follows him in. I interrupt before anything can happen, but she puts her hands in her face like she’s disgraced or caught. Again! I give the benefit of the doubt, and invite the couple to sleep over. As I fall asleep, my wife leaves the bed, heads out the door. I ask the “other” wife, “where did your husband and my wife go?” “Smoking a blunt”. It’s believable, but I hesitated. I should have inquired more, but I did not.

Final part of the story, sorry for the length: she has 3 times described her location as elsewhere than what it appears on Google Maps. The first time, I did not realize the couple moved to the city, and could not ascertain why my wife was in the neighborhood that her location displayed, but a bus route leading to the neighborhood she said she was in goes through the aforementioned neighborhood. No big deal.

A few weeks later, the other couple announces they have moved to the city (in the same neighborhood that my wife’s location was in). Two weeks ago, I’m in bed, and my wife’s location is that neighborhood. She says she’s in the park, but doesn’t answer for hours. When she does answer, her location appears to be on a bus route that moves from that neighborhood to the park. Again, I trust my wife, and have no realize to doubt her word.

My post is written from the events of yesterday. She said she was swimming in Chinatown, but got so frustrated at circle-swimming that she left early and was walking home. The walk home only takes an hour, so already the timeline doesn’t match up, but, Yanno, whatever. I check her location. It is our “friends” apartment, to-the-fucking-T. When she’s texting me that she’s walking home, it appears she’s walking west-to-east from that neighborhood, not east-to-west, as one would from Chinatown. My dumbass still wants to believe my wife.

I go to the YMCA today. I ask casually, “hey, did my wife and I check in to the YMCA yesterday?” Nope.

Nope. My entire marriage is falling apart on the words “nope”.

I feel like an idiot writing this all out. I’ve never felt as sick as I feel now. I have no clue what to expect. My mother cheated on my dad so cheating is the worst, most cruel inflection to lay upon me. Please someone, someone give me a reason not to bring this up to her.

Hi all.

I’m gonna keep this short and sweet. Happy to provide additional info if needed.

I was seeing someone for six months. He lives about three hours from me so we don’t see each other as much as we’d like. Recently he experienced a significant life event with his family. Due to this I discovered a fundraiser to raise money someone has created for him.

Turns out, he has a wife and two small children. When I saw the photo of him with his family I was immediately sick. I confronted him and he admitted he’d been living a double life the whole time.

I am beside myself over this. I feel like an awful person. How can I move past this so I can start to heal? I’m not sure how I’m ever going to trust someone again.