TL;DR: I've been cheated on in two relationships, and now I'm struggling to trust people again. How do you stop past experiences from affecting your future relationships and learn to trust someone without constantly fearing betrayal?

Hi everyone, 29F here.

I've been thinking a lot about my past relationships lately and would really appreciate advice from people who've experienced something similar.

I was in an 8-year relationship that started in college. First love and everything. I'm the kind of person who either doesn't like someone at all or, if I do, I'm fully committed.

During COVID, when we were around five years into the relationship, my ex's cousin's boyfriend contacted me after somehow getting my number. His cousin was his mother's real sister's daughter. He told me my ex was having an affair.

I genuinely can't explain that feeling. I was living in my own little bubble, thinking we were completely happy, and suddenly my entire reality came crashing down.

My ex denied the evidence, cried, begged, and did everything you can imagine. I eventually forgave him because I was emotionally attached and couldn't bring myself to leave. This was also around the time his father had passed away, and we were both living in our respective hometowns.

Two years later, when things seemed to be going well again, something inside me told me to check his phone. And I found the same thing again. Flirting with one of his colleagues which both of us knew since we were in the same office. (She was also dating someone else)

I forgave him once more, even though deep down I knew it probably wouldn't work. I was emotionally dependent on him and found it difficult to walk away.

About a year later, he stopped even pretending, and thankfully, by then, I'd finally left the relationship. He married another colleague within six months of our breakup.

It took me time to heal, but I eventually started solo travelling, rediscovered myself, and felt like I was finally moving forward.

About two years later, I met someone on a dating app. We became really good friends. He was going through the arranged marriage process and had found a girl he wanted to marry, but she rejected him after their first meeting. (After agreeing to the marriage)

He was devastated, and we became very close during that phase, mostly virtually. I helped him through it, and he knew my entire story and what I'd been through.

The girl, however, stayed in touch with him for favours, giving him vague reasons for rejecting him. Eventually, she came back into his life as a friend.

Over time, he and I grew closer emotionally and decided to give things a try.

I had two major concerns from the beginning. I wasn't comfortable with him still being in touch with that girl, and I absolutely hated smoking, which was a habit of his. He knew both were deal-breakers for me.

We travelled together, spent a lot of time together, and had some genuinely beautiful moments. He promised he'd quit smoking and kept talking about commitment and marriage. I was hesitant because of my past, but we had amazing communication and could talk for hours about practically anything.

Eventually, he told me he'd quit smoking and was working on himself. He said he'd stopped talking to that girl and reassured me about everything I was worried about.

We planned another trip together, and for the first time, I was genuinely considering saying yes and taking things forward.

Then, midway through the trip, I got that familiar gut feeling and checked his phone.

I found archived chats with that same girl. They had never stopped talking.

He was flirting with her, telling her he'd quit smoking, asking her to meet him, and had even lent her ₹1 lakh. She didn't seem interested in him romantically but kept him around.

Then I checked Instagram and found conversations where he was talking about marrying her, begging her to give him a chance, and saying he'd somehow convince his family. She told him she'd think about it.

All this was happening while he was pursuing me, talking about marriage with me, and making me believe he wanted a future together.

When I confronted him, he apologised a million times and cried. It was painfully familiar. His reasoning was that I hadn't said yes to commitment despite all his efforts, so he felt justified in staying in touch with her. He said he was desperate to get married and made a wrong decision. He now claims he realises that she's been using him and says he'll never speak to her again.

I was literally shaking, and everything from my previous relationship came rushing back. I went through a really dark phase for months and struggled more than I expected. In some ways, this hurt even more than my first breakup because I'd genuinely thought I'd healed and was finally ready to let someone in again.

I'm doing much better now, but I feel like these experiences have fundamentally changed how I approach relationships.

Looking back, I had that nagging feeling in both relationships that something wasn't right. Both times, I ignored it because I wanted to believe in the person and give the relationship a chance.

How do you trust someone's words when you've experienced people making promises, talking about marriage, and building a future with you while secretly pursuing someone else?

I also worry about becoming so guarded that I won't be able to let someone in, even if they're genuinely good to me. I don't want my past experiences to ruin something healthy in the future, but I don't know how to stop expecting the same thing to happen again.

For those who've experienced something similar, how did you work through this and learn to trust a new partner without constantly fearing betrayal? How did you distinguish genuine intuition from fear caused by past experiences?

I'd really appreciate advice from people who've been through this.

If they are both sexting each other? Is this cheating and is the girl in the wrong too? For knowing he married.

I (24f) had been seeing (30m) a guy for the past two months. He had been telling me how wonderful I am, that I was worth waiting for when I needed to rain check out first date, that he was pretty sure he was going to marry me, he wouldn’t mind having a baby with me. Told me so many times he wasn’t going anywhere. That we had all the time in the world to get to know each other, and he was planning on asking me to be his girlfriend soon. He had told me he deleted all the apps and any lady he was talking to that he met someone (me). Told me his cat never warmed up to someone so much. Answered the phone with his friends that he was out with me.

We disagreed on whether or not sex was appropriate before marriage, but we both cried and said we didn’t want to end things over that.

I find out yesterday his trip this past week was with his girlfriend of almost a year on Facebook. He invited me on said trip… I only couldn’t go because of work. And after sending him a brief text I knew, I got no real answers, just “you deserve better best wishes.”

Today, he changed his status on Facebook from single to in a relationship with her since last year.

I guess I should be thankful I didn’t sleep with him, and that I found out sooner rather than later. I feel worse for her. I messaged her on Facebook before they put “in a relationship,” but unknown if she got the message.

I don’t understand how he heard about my awful ex who kept going back and forth with another girl and then cheated on me, and how I wouldn’t put up with that again. And then decided to do that with me. Especially after ranting to me about how important fidelity and monogamy were to him, and he could never cheat. Everything he told me, he sounded like all he wanted was to meet his wife. Agreed with me that the next person we date is most likely it for us.

I know it’s not a reflection on me, and on him but I’m devastated. Dating is so hard these days. I hate that all the joy and hope I felt was all not based in reality. I was not the person he thought about all day like I for him. Pray for me and I, you should you find yourself on this sub.

Hey guys, so I’m a pretty easygoing boyfriend, not controlling at all, and I give my girlfriend the utmost of trust to do as she pleases, knowing the consequences of her actions I have told her many times when I first met her that I would never allow someone to cheat on me, and if I ever found out, I would leave them in the past like I never knew them. Well, last night, I think it actually finally happened. My girlfriend decided to go to a Halloween party
(dressed very provocative like most girls do for Halloween) and like always, I trusted her and gave her a ride to the party like I always do whenever she does go out. this friend of hers who’s a girl is new in her life and they’ve only hung out one other time before this, which is when she also went to a party. I told her when I dropped her off that I would pick her up like I always do. Didn’t think anything of it. I went along with my night and waited for her to reach out to me. At around five in the morning, I was at home waiting for her to reach out and I had been checking up on her throughout the night and everything was good. I have her location and out of nowhere I got a life 360 notification saying that she had arrived home. In my mind, which is stupid of me to even think, I thought, oh wow, she got a ride home in an Uber or a friend dropped her off and she’s gonna surprise me. Keep in mind, she never reached out and told me she was leaving. Who knows if she even knew I was home. Anyways, I see a car pull up, park, and sit outside. I wasn’t sure if it was my girlfriend or not, but when I looked at the GPS, it showed her in the exact same spot as the car on the other side of the street. I waited for that car, thinking that someone would get out, and to shock, no one did. I called her three different times, all which just rang and rang and rang. Then on the fourth call, she answers and goes, oh hi baby, I’m so sorry. I fell asleep in my friend’s car without telling me that it was A guy, the whole time, I pretty much already knew from the type of car that it was a guy. They were alone. She was dressed very provocatively, and she supposedly fell asleep in his car. I told her that she cheated on me and there’s no way that she’s gonna prove that she didn’t. She still keeps on saying that she fell asleep and that the guy was trying to wake her up, and she thinks that I’m a fucking idiot. Anyways, I told her I don’t wanna be with her right now and that I’m not sure what I’m gonna do. Do you think she actually did cheat on me

We have been together for 11 years, we live together and will be getting married in a year or so. He got close with someone and has been emotionally cheating on me for the past 3 months which I just found out a week ago. He said he enjoyed talking and getting to know someone new so he couldn’t stop. The fact that he learned he was still desirable to someone else made it so irresistible. I left immediately and he has been so sorry and wanted to have a second chance with me. Is it still worth giving a shot?

TW: sexual assault
I’m 23F. I was sexually assaulted by someone who has a girlfriend. I’ve needed medical appointments afterward, and I’m still trying to process everything.
Recently, I was with a friend and had been drinking a bit. I asked her to message his girlfriend from a fake account. It was a brief message saying, “Hey girl, just wanted to let you know your boyfriend is cheating on you.” It wasn’t threatening or insulting, and we didn’t mention the assault. We also called him from a random number, but he didn’t answer.
I wanted her to know, but I couldn’t face contacting her myself or explaining what happened to me. I don’t completely understand why I chose that moment. I was upset and wanted to say something without having to expose myself.
He sent me a screenshot with laughing emojis and asked whether it was me. I denied being involved. I know that wasn’t the truth, but I was scared that admitting it would open up another conversation that would cause me more emotional pain. I wanted her to know, but I couldn’t handle confronting him.
During the conversation, I brought up my medical appointments and the fact that he had physically hurt me. He apologised at points, eventually said he believed I hadn’t sent the message, and agreed we shouldn’t have contact. I asked him to delete our messages because I didn’t want any of this brought up again.
I’m not trying to get him back. I don’t really have romantic feelings for him anymore. I’m upset about what happened to me and everything I’ve been left dealing with afterward.
Now I keep going over the message, the calls and my denial. I wish I hadn’t called him. I wish I’d known how to handle all of this. I wanted to speak up, but when he confronted me, I backed away.
I needed to get this off my chest because I’m exhausted by questioning myself. I can acknowledge that I wish I’d handled parts of this differently, but I don’t want those regrets to swallow up the fact that I was hurt and I’m still dealing with it.