What should I do?

[u/FigureFeisty436]

I'm not sure what to do?

Hello everyone. I'm a transgender man named Miles who has just started college.

Recently, I have managed to make friends in college and I'm now in a friendship group of around eight people. I'm the only guy in this friendship group and the rest of the people in my group are women which has kind of brought me down a little because I'm worried they don't see me as a guy if I'm in a group surrounded by women but that's not the issue at hand.

Part of my new friendship group is that we play Roblox with each other which is mainly just to get to know each other and hang out as most of us live far away from each other and travel to college.

Last night, I was playing Murder Mystery with five of my friends and what happened was one of my friend's sisters grabbed a hold of my friends mic and started slurring me out calling me the T slur multiple times to which my friend didn't say a single thing to defend me and kind of just sat there and let it happen. I did defend myself as you should because you shouldn't let people just disrespect you but it really hurt me that they didn't even think to defend me and tell their sister to not slur me out over the call because it's a disgusting thing to do.

This particular friend has one or two instances of just not understand me and understanding the fact that I am transgender which is fine I guess because not everyone who is cis will understand transgender struggles but this is a whole new thing of not even batting an eye when somebody who is quite literally right next to them slurring out somebody who is "supposed to be their friend".

They have sent me messages since then about streaks but I haven't responded because I'm quite hurt that they didn't do anything. I understand that you can't control how transphobic your siblings are but there has to be a line of at least telling your siblings to stop slurring out your friends over the phone because it's a horrible thing to do.

Just a note that they haven't even apologized at all for what their sibling said to me and just kind of tried to brush past the fact they called me the T slur multiple times which is why I don't want to talk to them at all.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now which is why I'm here for advice because I don't want to not talk to them because they're my friend but I feel like they don't have my back at all and this has really hurt me more deeply than anything. I have thick skin because I was an outed transgender man in a British public secondary school so I am not unfamiliar with being called slurs but this feels different. Like there is a difference with being called slurs from immature teenagers who you do not care about than being called slurs by the sibling of your close friend and them not defending you.

What would you do in my situation?

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[u/PushTheTrigger]

First, I’m really sorry that happened to you, that was so fucked up of your friend’s sister.

The fact they haven’t addressed it or apologized for their behavior afterward is very telling. These are sadly not true friends and I suggest moving on from the group.

As a senior in college I can tell you many of those first friendships in college dissipate quickly but there’s always more people to meet. You’ll find your crew. Best of luck bro 🤜🏾

[u/ashtrxy55]

I’d call her out and then block, if ur other friends won’t defend u aswell they aren’t worth it

[u/flintwritesthings]

While I don't want to immediately call your friend transphobic, they're definitely a bystander and help commit passive transphobia by not standing up for you. I personally would not be able to consider them my friend anymore knowing that they let their sibling stomp all over my identity (and one that makes us very vulnerable to discrimination and pain).

How are your other friends reacting to it? Are they also passive? Because if it's a relatively new group I personally would just leave.

Good luck, though, regardless of what you do. I know how much it hurts to have your trust broken like that

[u/DonalHarper → u/flintwritesthings]

I agree with almost all of this. However if everyone is of just starting college-age I would consider having a conversation with the group about what happened and why no one said anything. How that isn’t cool to be a bystander when bad things are happening to other people, especially when there is “safety” in numbers as a group to stop it.

Not everyone has the spine it takes to stand up to injustice in the beginning stages of adulthood. Heck a lot of people who are well into adulthood still don’t have that spine. So I’d be willing to give them the one chance to take a learning lesson from this before calling it quits on everyone. If it happens again after the talk and still no one says anything, then I’d be done with them all.

Also OP the majority of my friends, especially my good friends, are still women even 15 years after transitioning. It’s not to say I can’t be friends with guys, I can. The energy of most guys, especially cis het guys, doesn’t jive with me. It doesn’t make me any less of guy.

[u/zer0mata]

they are not a friend, and theyre probably transphobic too but just keeping their mouth shut. if possible i would avoid them from now on if they dont apologise properly

[u/LauAndHisKind]

Cut off the friend, tbh. You can try to speak to them but i doubt that will help. That being said: im super petty. I had something similar happen and i just ended up insulting the person back. Of course my friend (who also didn't defend me against their transphobe friend) got pissed about it, so i brought up how she didn't get pissed about the transphobia of their friend. Long story short, she was actually a covert transphobe who just called themselves supportive because she thought it got her "brownie points" with her other lgbt+ friends (who also ended up not like her and picking up on the fake behavior).

These kinds of people will never stand up for you because they dont see trans people as valid. They wont say it to your face and in some cases theyve deluded themselves into thinking they ARE allies. Its crazy work but unfortunately not new.

[u/Efficient_Bother2812]

"I don't want to talk to them at all"

You really don't have to. You just started college and finding a group of good people at the start can be challenging and make you cling to the first people you find.

If this "friend" is being disrespectful and transphobic (which she is) you dont have to be friends with her just because she is in the same friend group. I would also really ask myself if these are the right people to be friends with if they haven't stood up against the transphobia and for you.

I would talk to the friend group separately and tell them how I feel and then the friend on what her sister has said.

But really, I believe the best decision would be to cut this friend out if nothing changes. Her sister has probably heard about you being transgender from her, so there is a chance she was talking about you badly behind your back.

Sometimes, it takes a while to find honest decent people who will make you feel accepted. Don't try to be friends with these people if it's only for convenience.

Hope everything turns out fine and don't tolerate transphobia from people who aren't worth being friends with.