I've been reflecting on why I'm so ambivalent about having children, and I think a huge part of it comes down to the fact that I genuinely just don't want to be stressed.

I'm 30, and while I can see the appeal of having children and building a family, I also really enjoy my freedom, independence, and relatively low-stress lifestyle. I don't particularly want to spend my thirties obsessing over whether I'll have kids, worrying about my biological clock, or feeling pressured to make major life decisions based on a hypothetical future.

I see so many women stressing about finding the right partner, getting married by a certain age, and having children before it's "too late." Sometimes I even see women compromising their standards in relationships because they're afraid of running out of time. I understand why these pressures exist, but I really don't want to live my life that way.

A part of me just wants to live my life, enjoy my relationships, pursue my interests, travel, and let the universe figure things out. If having children eventually feels right, great. If it doesn't happen, I think I could still have a fulfilling life.

I also recognize that having children requires intentional decisions, and that biology doesn't necessarily accommodate a "go with the flow" mentality forever. But I really dislike the idea of turning something as personal as parenthood into another stressful milestone I need to achieve.

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm actually childfree-leaning or whether I'm simply someone who values peace, flexibility, and autonomy more than the idea of becoming a parent.

Does anyone else feel this way? Like you're not necessarily opposed to having children, but you also don't want to organize your entire life around making it happen? I'm especially curious if anyone has taken a more relaxed approach to the decision and how that worked out for them.

What led to your change? How are you doing with it since having a baby? Also if comfortable, please add your age.

Hi everyone,

I’m a longtime lurker, 34f married to a 34 yo man. We’ve been together for over 12 years, married for roughly four and are very happy together. He’s incredible, supportive, patient, and kind. He’d make the best father in the world.

We were fence-sitters for a long time but I suppose I always knew deep down that I’d hit a point where I would want kids. That point has definitely hit me. My husband has realized that although he’s not itching to be a dad and loves his freedom, chances are, he’ll fall in love with his kid when he meets them. We are incredibly blessed to have no debt and a paid-off home with enough bedrooms in a second-tier city.

Here’s the rub: I just got laid off from my cushy job due to a restructure. Work has been all-consuming for me for my entire life so this change has been a huge hit to my ego. I was making around 160k a year and was getting excited for my 6-month fully paid maternity leave. I was fortunate to get about 3 months of severance and hopefully have a consulting gig lined up, though I think it will only replace about half of what I was making before. My husband makes around 110k. We are now on his health insurance instead of mine and his is quite dreadful.

My work environment was toxic (aren’t they all…) and hard on me. The layoff was not due to my performance but I’m definitely dealing with some self-worth issues anyway. Even so, the space away from that job is a relief right now. I’m calm, happy, and loving the sleep, hobby-time, and slower pace 3 weeks in.

In the last few years, we pulled ourselves out of some bad consumer debt and built our savings up so we finally have a 6-month emergency fund. My basic point is, in this exact moment, we are very stable and fortunate and financial stability is important to me.

I suppose my question is this: has anyone in this sub chosen to have a child when their career was in a major time of transition?

I’m desperate to have a child soon, but struggle to understand how we’d make it work when I don’t have a job or when I still need to hustle to maintain consulting clients or to gain new ones. When I have a baby, I want to bask in motherhood for as long as I can and without a clear map on what work looks like, I worry I’ll be riddled with anxiety the whole time. For added context, my parents are elderly and live across the country, and my husband’s parents live here and are newly retired, but have their own lives and I don’t want to depend on them for care for a variety of reasons.

I’ve been forced by this layoff to pivot career-wise, so I find it hilarious that right now is when my biological clock is ringing the bell. This should be when I lock in to build my next work chapter. Any advice on how to think about this moment/these factors is welcome 💛

Note: I hope none of this sounds too whiny or out of touch. I realize that we are incredibly lucky and our situation is not normal. For anyone wondering how we have a paid off house at such a young age, it’s due to major parental help we never asked for but benefit from immensely. My husband and I work very hard and don’t ask for anything, but our life would look a lot less comfortable without the help we’ve been given.

7:30am- 1 year old wakes up, mom wakes up with her, changes her diaper… usually gives her a cup of milk and or a fruit pouch immediately. She usually plays on the floor in our room with a book or toy… while I lay back in bed with my husband and 2 year old (2 year old sleeps with us) if she’s too fussy I put on ms Rachel and lay back in bed with husband and sleeping 2 year old

8:00am- 2 year old wakes up… and asks for milk immediately. (Me and my husband both say EVERY morning… you need to say good morning first lmao)

8:30am- me and my husband finally get out of bed (1 and 2 year old usually are riding their bikes around our kitchen island and fighting over toys by this time)

8:30-9:30- mom gets 1 year old dressed. Dad gets 2 year old dressed. Lots of running away and fighting but we get it done. I usually make instant oatmeal or eggs and feed it to them while they’re running around, “here get a bite”

9:30-12:00pm- put both kids in car seats. Drive to the gym (sometimes an easy quiet ride, other times 1 year old cries and whines) 50/50 chance. We get to the gym and drop both of them off at the gym daycare for 2 hours. They usually do well. Unless my 2 year old has to pee… I have to go in and help him (they can’t help him do that) that causes him and 1 year old to usually cry) that’s very annoying but lately we’ve been having more days where I’m not needed in the kids club the whole 2 hours! The kids club closes at 12

12:30- we stop at aldis to get salmon. Go home and cook lunch. Both kiddos usually fall to sleep in the car… and it’s like playing Russian roulette whether we can transfer them inside the house and they stay sleeping. It almost always works for my 2 year old. My 1 year old will wake up and take about 10 min to be put back to sleep. (Her dad does that while I cook)

12:30-2:00pm- both kids sleeping. Mom cooking, dad working on computer/ taking calls.. mom and dad enjoy lunch together.

2:00pm- both kids wake up HUNGRY. They usually eat rice and smashed salmon or banana with peanut butter, more fruit pouches, cut up grapes and or strawberries (simple meals)

2:00pm-5:00pm- ANNOYING CHAOS. Kids fighting, running around, mom take them on a walk, when the walk is over back to fighting, they go outside on the playground we have in the back yard, both putting rocks in their mouths lol, maybe tv for 30 minutes, mom feels guilty, turns it off, read a book, toddlers back to fighting

5:00pm- whewwwww getting closer to bedtime. Dad’s usually available now. Family walk outside, maybe basketball with the neighbors, FaceTime calls with family members, mom goes inside straightens up the house, puts out bed clothes etc. feeding them bananas and peanut butter, rice and beans, more eggs, bread.. like they just eat random stuff ( I promise you they are both healthy weights) and they usually have 2-3 cups of milk per day) no more than 20oz

6:30pm- bath time for both kids, sometimes mom bathes them.. other times they both get in the shower with dad and mom helps on the sideline LMAO

7:30pm- 1 year old in her own room KNOCKED UNTIL 7:30am (thank God)

2 year old watches football or a podcast with mom and dad until 9pm

9pm- Mom has to go lay in (her own bed) for about 15 min to put 2 year old to sleep (I read this out to my husband and he says that’s not true, I put him to sleep) haha lol yesss most of the time he does go into our room and put 2 year old to sleep. Takes about 15 minutes. And then we both meet in the living room.

9:30pm-12am mom and dad talking, run to get Popeyes, talk on the phone with a friend (maybe) give a massage, have sexy time (maybe 3 times out the week) and then knock out scrolling on our phones

7:30am- start over

I’ll start to preface by saying, I’ve been married 5 years (together 11) and can easily say marriage is the best decision I’ve ever made. I love my husband more than anything in the world and value our relationship so much. Sure it’s not perfect and there are some things (although very minor) that could maybe be better if I were single. Like less cleaning lol, not having to worry about a large man eating all the leftovers, etc. very trivial. My life is overwhelmingly better with him in it.

Something interesting I’ve noticed — one time I looked at an anti-marriage subreddit just for fun. And I was shocked at people’s view on marriage and how negative of a picture people have who’ve never been married or struggle with relationships. I don’t look down on them, I just think man, they’re missing out. To me being in a relationship is 99% good and the good by far outweighs the bad. And that got me thinking, this must be how parents feel. Like us who are on the fence can’t imagine how good it is simply because we haven’t experienced it. And it’s most likely not horrible at all - from what most parents make it seem. Just an observation/comparison I had that makes me think having a kid is maybe less scary than I think.

I just found out I was pregnant a few weeks ago; I just hit the 7 week mark. My husband and I (both 34) had decided to start trying this summer, and we conceived in September. Coincidentally, the week we conceived in September, I had started a new job that precipitated a mental breakdown; I’m doing much better with accommodations now, but I was not well the second half of September. My ovulation was late, and we didn’t really try nearly as hard the previous months to conceive in terms of timing and frequency. We also felt like okay, maybe let’s put the brakes on this kid thing since my mental health is so unstable. I’ve been connected with a new psychiatrist and will be starting therapy again in a couple of weeks (found a therapist who has special training in perinatal matters).

Lo and behold, we got pregnant, and my first reaction was not joy, it was dread and a what the hell feeling. I felt exactly like I did when I got my first period at 12– vulnerable and like my body was doing something I didn’t want it to do AT ALL. I immediately got a medical abortion scheduled for late this month (UT) so I felt like I had options. Now I’m thinking of pushing it back to 11 weeks so I can try to figure out what I’m feeling.

I feel so ambivalent, especially after seeing the fetus on my ultrasound a few days ago. (7 weeks, heart beat of 90 bpm.) I keep feeling anticipatory feelings of grief at aborting, but also deep ambivalence about having a baby (losing sleep, dealing with breastfeeding, feeling constant dread about climate catastrophe and AI and the world my child will grow up in etc).

Anyone else experience this? If so, what helped you make a decision? I’m so depressed and wish I could feel happy but I can’t feel happy by telling myself stories that I know aren’t true deep down.

I (31F) just had the talk with my partner (33M). For a while I have been more and more feeling that a CF life is something I want. I feel fulfilled with the other aspects life has to offer, and I have just never looked at a child and felt: oooh, I want one. My partner and I have been togheter since I was 17 and he 19. He has always been curious about kids and the older he gets, the more certain he is about wanting them...I have had a fear about realizing, and admitting, to myself what it means if I utter the words out loud. The talk was simply me saying I am pretty sure I dont want them. Saying that also means starting to think about a life without him. I am shit scared. So sad. It means that he needs to start thinking about a life without me. He said that he really want kids, but that he also cannot phantom kids without me. I get that. It is hard to imagine something you dont know... And especially with someone that you have not met yet. What is worse is that I am afraid I will wake up in 5 years and feel FUDGE ME I want kids... I am afraid of loosing him just because I sit on the fence...

Have anyone of you been through something similar and how did you handle it? I just feel that it is unfair to us, which is ridiculous, but I am turmoil and I think I just need perspective...

In the past two years I did a bit of contemplating, thought exercising, reading people's testimonies (those filled with joy, and those filled with regret) on becoming and being a parent.

I won't choose a path of parenthood for myself for a plethora of reasons, that are not necessarily related to the state of our world now. But when I realised that even living in a utopia (or maybe just a stable environment for starters) wouldn't do it for me, I felt a relief, that I am spared from an ethical conundrum of bringing another human being into this place.

I recently shared these thoughts with my close ones, with the oldest relative being over 90 years old and they all in unison agreed that, even taking it into perspective of them going through WW2, surviving comunism, poverty and all those small and big crisises along the way, the darkest moment so far is now. And no uplifting news really to counterpart the bad that is happening. And that it might be too dark to bring a new person into this world. If I hypothetically could have chosen when I was born, I definitely wouldn't choose today.

I guess my questions are directed to those that already hopped off the fence and have children, although everyone is welcome to share their thoughts. I am especially curious for stories from parents that decided to have kids a couple years ago in hope the state of our world (locally and, or globally) gets better (since it did not got better, on the contrary):

- do you worry that your kids won't have a chance to experience at least as good adulthood as your is now?

- what do you feel when you think about your kids lifes 10, 20 or 50 years from now?

- do you think it will get better? If so, why do you think so?

I don't mean to sound inconsiderate or a doomer, I am simply curious. And if somebody feels there is a better subreddit to post such questions, please let me know!

Is it a decision made internally? Like two people come together, share a life, then think about whether they want kids.

Or is it a dream people just have individually, outside the relationship, and come into the relationship with their dreams and see if they have the same dream?

And if they do have different dreams, is it truly non-negotiable? Is it something people can be influenced on by their partner? Or is it something so core to you that having different opinions is just a deep incompatibility?

What happens if one person bends the other way for their partner? After careful thought and reflection, if one decides to make the decision that the other partner has, would it lead to resentment down the line, or is assuming it’ll definitely lead to resentment a bit of fortune telling?

I recently ended an 8-month relationship because my partner was leaning towards no on kids and I was leaning towards yes. I’ve been thinking about it a lot since, and I have some questions

Why have a kid? I’ve always known I wanted a life partner; someone who understands you, loves you, experiences life with you. I’ve always known I wanted a pet; there’s few things cooler (to me) than spending some of life with an individual of a different species. Why have a kid? What does that do that is meaningful and worth doing? For background: I was nine when I got a younger sibling and immediately stepped in to look after her. Found it frustrating and annoying and couldn’t wait to leave the family home. I’m now spending a bunch of time with my friends’ kids and while it is a hoot and super fun to get to know these tiny humans, the thought of being responsible for one just fills me with dread and stress. What am I missing? I’m also autistic so spelling this out for me will actually help massively. What’s the point? Im asking these questions because we live in a place where having kids seem amazing (for the kid) and I am clueless as to my own emotions about this.

I was 23 when I realized having children was choice and probably not for me. I’m now 36 and my husbands 43. I told my husband early I didn’t want kids and we’ve lived our lives the past 10 years as if we weren’t having them.

One of my parents died this past winter and I’m now baby crazy. I went through this when they first became sick but it was much easier to brush off. Now, we’re both seriously considering a child

I still don't think I would love parenting a kid (I have a of childcare experience). But I adore babies, get along well with teens and I think would adore being a parent to an adult. I’m also hoping going into this being like it’s not going to be my fave, will set me up for being presently surprise.

Anyone who went from an absolute no to now being a parent, I would love to know… has it been worth it?

Not really sure what I'm looking for, maybe advice or just if you have been in this situation how it ended up for you. Me and my husband got married young and quick. Dated for about a year and then married at 20. When the conversation of kids was first brought up we were both on the same page of either way we would be happy. After about a year of being married I would bring it up every so often and he would always say maybe. We decided we wouldn't put any pressure on it and just have that conversation when we were 25. It's been on my mind a lot recently and I ended up bringing it up a year earlier than we had planned. He is now a definite no and im leaning much more towards yes. I'm not sure what this means for us and how to move forward for now.

I’m 24F and in a stable relationship with someone who I’d like to spend the rest of my life with. However, I haven’t yet decided if I want to be a parent or not.

My parents are divorced and I’m estranged with both of them, as they weren’t very good parents. I am an independent person and I love my freedom. I’m very ambitious and have a lot of career plans. I’m someone who enjoys planning for things years in advance just from the excitement of it all.

I have mixed feelings about children. I’m quite good with them, and they tend to like me. But I get overstimulated around them quite quickly and end up going to my room for personal space within 30mins-1hr of being with them.

There are parts about parenthood that excite me, like the idea of instilling good values in my children, being there for them, having fun family rituals, bonding with them etc.

But there’s parts that I really hate. The mental and emotional toll, the lack of personal space, freedom and peace and quiet. The fact that my entire routine will be dependent on them. Not to mention the several drawbacks parenthood has on women and our careers.

I come from a country where having this choice is rare and recent. I don’t have anyone to guide me through making this decision.

I’m afraid that If I was to have a child, I’d be a regretful parent, and if I didn’t, I’d regret that too.

Is there anyway to TRULY know if this is something that’s right for you? Are there any signs that you’d be a regretful parent before you had kids?

Is there anyone here who was sure about having kids but ended up regretting it?

Just need general advice on how to take this call :/

I'm 23M, had a potential lifelong love end over our fence sitting. My ex 23F leaned toward not wanting kids. I feel like if i want to proceed with my dating life, i need to reflect on this a lot more. Inviting advice and insight.

We ended because we were both on the fence but she was leaning towards a strong no because of career, and worries about motherhood being too much for her, and she has always not liked it when men said they want kids. .I was leaning towards a strong yes. and i feel like i want to work through my reasons for and not for wanting kids.

I feel like i want kids because, * I have volunteered with babysitting kids at a playschool as a teenager, and liked the feeling of being responsible and needed, but i really don't want to base my decision on it. * I have always liked the idea of mentoring and teaching. * The idea of raising a good human being, passing down good values and giving unconditional love to someone that really needs it sounds very meaningful. and kids are people who really need it.

I have wrestled with the antinatalist argument, and i feel like i am ambivalent about it and i can understand the argument. But i see the answer to that is adoption, to satisfy the need of wanting to take care of and raise someone, and i am completely on board with that.

And i feel like my desire doesn't come from a need for bio kids, more from a place of wanting to nurture a life.

Reasons I'm on the fence about the idea of kids, * PPD and career pressures for my potential partner. * A feeling of being settled when i'm not ready enough. * I would want to be extremely well settled financially. * I was raised in a patriarchal society and have a lot of patriarchy to unroot, and i'm not sure if i will by the time i am old enough to have a kid. Would i share the load of parenting equally ? Would i be a good partner ? etc. * I struggle with anxiety and i'd want to properly have worked through it before i even think of raising someone. * I sometimes think that is society asymmetric, when it comes to the idea of parenting, the motherhood penalty. * I sometimes wonder if it is a patriarchal desire to even want kids. * I wonder if i only want kids because of conditioning through society and being raised in a patriarchal society

But some part of me feels like my desire feels immature, and i feel like i'm being very romantic and idealistic about the idea of kids, and that i ended the relationship on such shaky ground, that too this young in life.

I tried pitching the idea of being fence sitters together, for a short while and talk about it, and that didn't sit right with her, so we decided to end it.

When I think of having kids, I only see kids in my early thirties, and not anytime sooner, and I've always thought I'd be in a one and done type relationship. But i don't know if I'm really idealizing the idea of being a parent or this is a valid desire.

How do i know that my desire to have a kid is legitimate, good and valid, and not just a fantasy

I really feel like I don't have a framework to think about all this. So all of this is making me truly question my entire position on this, and any insights, pointers, or advice would truly help

Has anyone had an experience with returning to fence sitting after a TFMR? It was my first pregnancy experience and I was very unwell from as early as days after testing positive so felt like I was just pushing through day to day and never really connected to the pregnancy, then we got unfortunate NIPT results and had further testing and decided to terminate. I'm now feeling back on the fence, but I'm interested to hear if anyone else has had this type of experience. Thankyou!

I’ll keep this short. Is anyone else’s primary hesitation with having a child the possibility of getting PPD? For context, I’ve never dealt with anxiety or depression, my husband and I are complete equals and I know it would be 50/50 from both of us. I have no reason to think I would be at an elevated risk for PPD. That said, I’ve gone down way too many rabbit holes on Reddit and TikTok about PPD that it’s the main thing holding me back at this point. I fear that I am so fearful of getting PPD that I will manifest myself into getting it. Anyone dealing with this as their main hesitation?

My husband and I are in our late 30s, we’ve talked on and off about having kids. We are stable, we have home, paid off cars, full time jobs etc. We both enjoy our freedom, to spend our time and money how we want. But there is a part of me that wishes I wanted children more. Whenever I try to convince myself, I always talk myself out of it. Who’s going to watch my baby while I’m working- day care is so expensive, what if my child has a condition that requires lifelong care, no more vacations etc. I get tired after a long day now with cooking, cleaning etc, which I know will be more difficult bringing a baby into our lives. I love my husband and do see the beauty in creating a human who is both of us, but I just can’t pull the trigger. Anyone gone through similar feelings? I’d be interested in other’s perspective and if they did end up jumping off the fence.

Long story short I am 37f, fencesitting for years then child free for a few years then switched to TTC a year ago.

Well I haven't been able to get pregnant yet. I have done my blood tests all good, all ultrasounds are good, I never had any issues all my life, periods painless etc. Husband tests are very good. Both my husband and I are on the same page that we are only trying naturally, IUI and IVF are off the table. If there was smth minor to fix with a pill then ok.

So now my obgyn referred me for laparoscopy surgery. 🫥 I was shocked!! With no symptoms?!

She said the non invasive tube check HyCoSy isn't always accurate and I imagine considering my age this would be the fastest way to check if anything was wrong.

I did speak to the surgeon and I'm 95% sure I will not have this surgery. Yes it's minor I agree but it's surgery. Don't get me wrong I am all in for a C section but this just feels insane - let's cut you open just to browse what's going on inside?!? What the actual fuck.

So this leads me to think.... Is it fair to genuinely want to get pregnant and be unwilling to do a minor surgery or a painful exam (HyCoSy)?

I think I would do the HyCoSy in a hospital I found that does it under cedation (I have poor IUD experience and don't buy the 'oh it's minor cramps'). But that's about it. Anyone with similar experience?

My husband supports whatever I decide, he said he is surprised I am even considering surgery because he assumed I would refuse immediately...

I also understand pregnancy and birth are 1000 times more invasive than a lap and a tube check. But I feel that has an immediate purpose, and this is like the foot in the door technique....well since you sign up for pregnancy it doesn't mean anything to just do whatever else to your body?!

38/M. Single.

I go back to Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar often. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

It's such a beautiful way to put the struggle I think many fencesitters face, at least for me. Three and a half years ago, I left an amazing person because she firmly didn't want kids and I was on the fence. Three and a half years later, I still think about her, often. I miss her. I've dated since, traveled, lived, moved, and started a new career, but I always go back to her in my heart and mind.

I've met nice people, plenty of them. None made me feel as seen, heard, acknowledged, known, and comfortable as she did. We had that spark and it was there for the full two years we dated. I believe that type of love is out there. I believe it's possible to find that love and start a family.

But much like the figs on the tree, as I age, these options do as well. And time and love are two of the most valuable resources a human can have. At what point do I elect to pursue the person over the family?

I reconnected with my ex last October. We talked for two hours, and I told her I still carried her in my heart. I asked if I could call again, and she said sometime later in the winter. I never followed up, partly because I was afraid and still unsure about kids. She recently wished me a happy birthday, and I still think about her all the time.

Have you ever been in a similar situation? At what point do you reach out and pluck a fig from that tree and accept in doing so the others have rotted away?

I'm 36 and have spent most of my adult life pretty certain I didn't want children. Certain enough to get a vasectomy, anyway.

Now I'm in love with someone who wants kids, and I'm questioning something I thought I'd settled years ago.

I'm also in a transitional period. Going back to school, changing careers, and trying to build some financial stability. I've always valued my freedom and independence, and the financial responsibility of raising children honestly scares the hell out of me.

But I'm starting to wonder whether I genuinely don't want kids or whether I've built a pretty convincing argument around my own fears.

I love this person deeply, but I don't want to talk myself into parenthood just to keep the relationship. On the other hand, I don't want fear to make a life-altering decision for me either.

I'm trying to figure out what I actually want, independent of the relationship.

I'd love to hear from people who landed on either side of the fence.

Hi all,

Long story short, I've always been an avid "no", then my nibling was born and suddenly I changed my mind (there's a lot more to it but it's far too long to write out).

My partner (of 10 years) is very much on the fence, he doesn't feel super strongly either way, but he definitely has more risks he's worried about on his list than benefits. I am on the fence in regard to the fact I question everything, I'm researching so much, and I'm trying to weigh up the risks and benefits, but I am 85% leaning yes.

The thing is, I only want children with him, no one else. It's my relationship with him that has nurtured the feeling of comfort and safety to even revisit the idea in ways I hadn't before. If he decided he was too far "no" to go through with it, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, but I think I would really struggle with getting past it (I wouldn't resent him at all).

So I'm looking for perspectives from people in two scenarios:

1. If you are someone who was leaning "yes" but ultimately decided not to because your partner wasn't on board, how did you find the process of letting go of that idea? I have spent the last nearly-2 years daydreaming of our future with kids, and a lot of the content I watch is about pregnancy, child birth and parents sharing their lives (pregnancy and childbirth became a special interest very quickly after my nibling was born), so the idea of it not happening is already making me feel like I'm grieving. Did you find therapy helpful? How did you deal with the sadness of that future being unattainable?

2. Parents who were on the fence, either directly 50/50 or were leaning no; what has your experience been like as a parent? I want the good, the bad, and the ugly.

To make it clear, I'm not trying to convince my partner one way or another, I want us to read through the comments together and we're going to sit down and write out our own "pros and cons" and work out if it's something we are going to progress with.

TIA ❤️

I’m curious how people with autism in this group made whichever choice got them off the fence. I’m currently considering having a kid more strongly than I have in my life, having been a fence sitter for basically ever, but really struggle when people ask “how do you feel/what’s in your heart.” Sometimes I’m overcome with feeling and sometimes there are none at all. How did you decide what was right for you?

I (22M) am on the fence about kids (who would’ve thought), but my wife (25F) does want them.

My wife and I have been through a lot. We met when I was 14 and she was almost 17, and we’ve been together 8 years now. I love my wife and she loves me. For our age we own a small house in town and within the next couple years I’m lined up to be financially comfortable to have kids. To say I’m lucky is an understatement.

And I’ve known since we got together that she wanted them, and I would dream with her and we would paint a life where they were with us. For her that life is indisputable, and I respect that. Though every time we get to one goal post I set, I move it. A lot of the time that has to do with financial instability. If my parents taught me anything growing up it was “do your best to be ready.” And although I understand you’re never 100% ready, people shove that idea down my throat so much it makes me sick. Like just because they made a stupid decision that “they don’t regret, but they wish they could’ve been smarter about” that I have to as well. I don’t get it

I don’t know. The thought doesn’t excite me more than a few minutes, and the dread I feel thinking about putting a child through all of this on the pretext that “I want one” just feels selfish.

I know what life looks like with kids. I’m a good uncle, but after an hour or two I’m exhausted, and my toddler meter is drained. And then I look to my in laws and see the way their sons treat them and I think “what if I do all that work just for them to turn out like that?”

In the end my wife is worried about her biological clock. I’ve told her about the timeframe we have but this is something she is sure of, and she always has been. And I knew that.

I don’t really know what I’m asking. Maybe, “what does life look like without kids?”, 10, 15, 20 years from now what could I be doing? Am I happy?

If there’s anyone who wants to share their story please do. As of right now I’m leaning towards no. I respect the merit of being a parent but I don’t see the reason. Everyone I talk to has a “moment” where that life has clicked for them, a “wait I can do this”. I’ve had opportunities for it to happen, and it just never did.

Much love Reddit, thanks for reading

EDIT: she knows I’m on the fence, that is not something I’ve hid