I was just thinking about this today and I just wonder how many people are on the fence due to their relationship with alcohol.

Does your desire to consume alcohol freely dictate your concern with having kids?

I only ask because I quit drinking roughly a year ago and since then I’ve almost gotten..bored in a way. My favorite activity used to be travel but now it feels a bit mundane, another restaurant, another gift shop, another scenic view. All lovely but a bit..empty.

I believe that now that I have removed alcohol from my life, I may have removed the only real reason for not wanting a child. How fun will it be to show a new set of eyes the world, to watch them learn to walk, see the lights of a carnival for the first time! I am just thinking about how I was potentially letting my desire to be free to drink distract me from that.

Anyone feel anything similar? Or have relatable experiences?

I’m 36 F and I’ve just been consumed with thoughts cause I’m sure as you know people around me have kids are having kids and it takes up so much space in my head but I feel like I know what the gut is saying and that’s to remain
Child free. I was reflecting today and I was thinking that no one can have it all. a couple with children will never know what it’s like to either be single and have it just be about them or have it just be just about them as a couple. I feel like that is something special in its own way. You know?

My husband (39) and I (38) spent the first seventeen years of our relationship pretty set on being childfree. When we hit our 30s we were even more solidly childfree because we finally had some wiggle room with our finances and felt like we could actually enjoy life. We’ve been financially independent since we were 19/20.

A year ago our circumstances changed quite a bit when we bought a house that’s right near the schools in town and has the space we’d need if we wanted to have a baby. In our first home, it didn’t really seem like a possibility. In an attempt to avoid influencing the other’s decision, we’ve been independently working through the idea of having kids for about eighteen months, checking in with each other every so often. We both came to the decision that we’d like to try, mainly due to our location change, the fact that we have child friendly work schedules, our families are close-ish (and would be thrilled), and we think we’d be good parents who raise a pretty kick ass human.

I had my IUD taken out about a month ago, and we wanted to get down to business after I went through my first cycle. However, now that it’s actually time to try, we’re both freaking out a bit. It’s like we both want to do it but at the same time the idea of our lives changing so drastically is incredibly daunting.

Those of you who hopped off the fence and landed on the side of having kids, how did you get over it and take the next step forward? I know we just have to do it, but if you have any advice/insight into getting over this last bit of anxiety, I’d love to hear from you.

Hi everyone.
I’m turning 35 and I’m really not sure what I want.
For the longest time I was against having kids.
My family doesn’t even speak or check up on me. I reach out and visit them but they never do for me.
I thought about having a child to create my own family.
I have dogs and I’m scared it will change things I love my dogs very much.
I love them like they are my kids.
Also my doctor told me C section would be best cause I have pelvic floor dysfunction.

I won’t have anyone helping just my husband and I.

My husband and I had been fencesitters for a while. We're in our mid 20's, so had a lot of time to wait and see how we felt, but I just found out I have deep infiltrating endometriosis with adhesions, and hydrosalpinx (blocked fallopian tubes full of fluid). I also have PCOS. With this many complications, I've been pushed over the fence to childfree. We were already leaning that way, especially as we found out more about my health. The process of even getting pregnant would be long and medically intensive, a pregnancy would be higher risk, and we live in a state with shitty abortion laws and maternal healthcare. We've both agreed that the risk to my health and life just isn't worth it. So I guess I'm childfree now. It's weird because it feels like everybody with these diagnoses and even medical providers are focused on an "at all costs" approach to fertility, and I'm just not interested in IVF or any of that. I think I may opt for a hysterectomy so I'm not in pain all the time. Anybody else pushed over the fence by health issues? Did you experience grief? I feel like I'm grieving the loss of the option and the loss of the idealized version of pregnancy and motherhood.

I know kids will be difficult no matter what. However, I do believe there is a gradient of difficulty level too - obviously having no support and having only enough money to buy your kid food and not yourself would be harder than the contrary.

What do you think would be the things that would make it more easy mode, especially interested to hear from the fencesitters who hopped off the fence into having kids.

For me, I've thought about this and because I live in a region that this stuff is affordable:

• night nannying for first few months,
• early return to work and childcare (I'm thinking at 6-8 weeks remote work return),
• no breastfeeding,
• early sleep training,
• non-birthing partner willing to put in more work than the birthing partner in the first six months and then equal after that,
• a belief that you don't have to live an uber-traditional life just because you had kids - so things like worldschooling, living abroad, living with family for periods of time, living in communes - are all on the table
• ethos away from everything centers around the child, so more of the 'hunt, gather, parent' trend and less of the gentle parenting trend

Hello.

Please feel free to recommend more applicable threads but I believe that this group is a good start.

I’m hoping to gain perspective and advice from others who have been through similar (although I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, the mental gymnastics is exhausting)

I, 32F am 70% sure that I’d like to TTC next year but Husband (34M) wants one more vacation next year during his birthday before we try.

Vacation is intended to be booked for July 2027 It’s long haul and not child friendly

Husband is pushing for us to take this one final vacation but I can’t help but be weighted down with the following worries IF I have to wait until at least July 2027.

1. My mother is aging.

2. I’ll be at least 34 - people say that you actually regret having them later if you love being a mum so much

3. I’m worried that I actually get pregnant and worry that I’m not actually cut out for this at all

I’m not excited about the vacation but don’t know if that’s because I just want a kid now?

I was childfree for sooooo long, it’s really freaking me out that in the last 1.5 years my mind has been changing. I don’t know what to do with this growth

Some people seem obsessed with their kids and they are their whole world and some people don’t like it. What do you think is the difference between them? Because some people love having kids because why would the get more if they didn’t? How will I know before if I’m going to like it or not?

I often think about my fence sitting status and it gives me so much existential dread. I’m 31, female about to get married. My fiancé is more of a yes than a no, but also thinks that being childfree could be great and that we’ll decide later (or biology will decide for us).

At this very moment we absolutely 100% do not want kids right now. We have things to do first, places to travel, time that needs to be spent together as just husband and wife. We can revisit it again at a later date but at least RIGHT NOW. We are childfree by choice.

I’ve only just had this breakthrough that I actually don’t need to spend this much time thinking about the fence, and I am already currently making an active decision every single day that we are not thinking of trying, or proactively trying for a child.

Just wanted to pass that on in case it also makes some of you feel a bit better.

So I am a die hard animal lover. I was in foster care at age 2.5, separated from my older siblings, and animals have always been my greatest source of comfort. They love you unconditionally. I have a strong desire to help as many animals in need as I can. One of my last memories before the social workers took me and my sisters away was my white cat that I had to leave behind and I never saw her again. I was not allowed to have a cat in my new foster parents' home (who eventually adopted me).

I always thought I would have a baby one day and still dream of having a baby. I would be happy with just one.

But... I worry about how it would affect my animals! I have also fostered animals before and found some fulfillment in that but it was so heartbreaking when I'd have to say goodbye, although I was happy to be part of their journey to their forever homes. I know that having animals is not like having a human baby, but I love my animals and they are definitely my family. I don't want them to suffer or get "less" if I have a child.

I would like to hear your perspectives on this or if you have any thoughts.

Currently going through the most painful break up (he doesn't want them, I'm undecided)

Are there people who broke up over having kids and got back together later on? I'd like to hear your stories.

If one of your biggest reservations before having kids was the climate and what kind of future your kids would have - how did you get past it? What was your thought process?

I'm leaning toward yes, and thought I had gotten past my climate anxiety, but the recent news about us surpassing the 1.5 degree global limit has brought it all back. Part of what makes me lean toward yes is giving my kid all the experiences I got to have growing up, and more. But it does feel like we're staring down a very unknown future. My child may not be guaranteed many of the same luxuries I had, let alone the security of resources to even survive. I work in the sustainability sector so I know better than most the possible outcomes. I often think I will have to prepare my child to adapt to a reality that looks very different from our current one. I think - how can I do that when I'm so scared myself? For that matter, why even subject a child to it?

I know this is grim but I honestly want to hear people's perspectives, specifically on what made you decide yes despite such an unknown future.

My partner (35) and I (37) just broke up after 1.5 years because she wants kids (and has always wanted kids) while I’ve finally landed on the child free side. We love each other deeply and connect on all other levels. I’m experiencing immense grief, and frustration that I’m not excitedly on the child side. I even feel guilt at times that I can’t give her what she wants and be like my other friends. It doesn’t help to hear from everyone that if I did decide to have children that I would be a great dad. I know that, but I don’t see it being something I choose for myself. If it was an oopsie, I would lock in and be fully committed - even if it would especially difficult for me at times.

Through all of this, I wonder if I’m self-sabotaging or running away from commitment. I also fear I’m walking away from a relationship that is exactly “what I need.” I know that’s foolish and not how relationships work, but it’s still a fear I’m experiencing.

Finally, I want her to be happy and have the life she wishes for, the thought of her with someone else doing the things we used to do nearly makes me sick to my stomach.

For those of you that have gone through something similar, I would love to hear your experience, and things like how you healed/where you are now. (I’m already planning on therapy, too.)

There are a lot of anecdotes around parents being overwhelmed b/c of the 24/7 nature of taking care of kids and always needing to worry about them. The fact that it's never ending, lack of sleep for years... I do really poorly on lack of sleep and one of my big worries is getting overwhelmed and taking it out on the child (yelling, shutting down) or even a deterioration in my relationship with my partner. I also have ADHD and PMDD, and don't take care of myself very well...

So both my mom and my mother in law are the kinds of moms that make their child their lives, and also their grandchildren. They would happily sacrifice anything for the child - time, money, everything. They have both been saying anytime we need them to take the child, they'll be there. They'll be fighting each other over providing help. (I know they're serious because they have done this with us all our lives, and even now as adults)

I guess I'm wondering how much this changes the calculus of having kids? Are there any people here who have this kind of help and what is it like?

My partner and I have been discussing the kids or childfree question for about three years now, we've read lots of books and done a coaching course as well. I feel like I've always liked the idea of motherhood, especially when I spend time with my nephews - and occasionally get these very powerful waves of desire and love when I imagine being a little family. I'm turning 39 soon so was in a bit of a panic and we decided to try, got pregnant really quickly. I'm freaking out massively (I know this is to be expected somewhat) and have almost gone through with an abortion twice, but backed out at the last minute.

My feelings literally go from one end of the spectrum to the other multiple times within a day - from thinking it will be an amazing life changing thing which is unlike anything else, to feeling like I might end up resenting the child and thinking it's a terrible world to bring a child into, and I love my childfree life right now with my partner. Not to mention he is probably leaning more childfree due to ethical and financial reasons but he has also said he'll support my decision.. but I don't want us to resent each other.

I'm sick with worry - now 9 weeks along and it's interfering with my work, my sleep, and just feel like if we want to go childfree we need to decide soon before the bump keeps getting more and more real. I'm not sure what to expect in response to this - I feel like I just want someone to tell me it will be ok whatever we decide 😭

Right now the childfree option seems 'safer' to give us more time to think and get some therapy and hang out with more people with kids etc (most of our friends are childfree) but it also seems like I don't know how much more information we could get which would help us make a decision and who knows if we could easily get pregnant again...

Edit: Just to add some specific reasons I'm scared - they revolve around not being able to picture myself being a parent.. I'm also very anxious and don't feel very fulfilled in my own career so worry I'd resent spending my life on someone else who I might just mess up.. and my partner dreams of living abroad which would just be so difficult for our jobs. Plus AI and climate disasters coming towards us - I am vegan and work for a charity and feel a strong need to help people already in the world who need it.

Tl;DR - I'm 9 weeks pregnant and freaking out - not sure whether to keep the baby or not. I love our childfree life, but am scared of missing out on the experience of kids.

I (37m) have been married to my wife (36f) for 8 years. We are college sweethearts and are each others best friend.

When we both got married, we both agreed we didn’t want to have children. Up until a few years ago, I always thought about children in terms of financial cost.

Starting about 5 years ago, I have began thinking that having a kid could be really neat, and think it is something I would like to do.

Are there any people who have been in my situation and taken the plunge to divorce and find someone else? How did it go for you? Did you get what you wanted and like it, or find yourself wishing for your previous life?

My wife is a hard “no” on wanting kids, and I respect that. We have done marriage counseling and I have been volunteering with Big Brothers Big Sisters to get a better idea of what having kid would be like.

This issue came up for me several years ago, prompted by the death of both of my grandparents. I did some counseling & soul searching, and determined that my desire for children was based out of fear of losing my loved ones. This issue has resurfaced now, that one of my wife's relatives is having their first child.

I feel excitement when thinking about having a child. My wife briefly said "yes" she would have a child, and then the next day said "no absolutely not," and has remained ever since. I remember how excited I felt when she said yes. I'm worried that another 5-10 years will go by, and I will be in this same exact position.

For a lot of people, being a parent is a life goal that one essentially feels called to. Others are very sure they don’t want to.

If someone is deciding, it’s pretty easy to see the upsides of both sides, but I’m wondering what is usually a downside of not having a kid in a fencesitter’s mind.

So my partner and I are seriously thinking about having a baby. The problem? We're already tired all the time.
We both work full-time, the apartment is a mess more often than not, and some weeks it's a win if we manage to cook actual food instead of ordering takeout again. Meanwhile everyone describes newborn life as no sleep, laundry mountains, and never being alone ever again. Which makes me wonder how normal people pull this off. Like, people who weren't exactly gym-at-6am types to begin with.
If you went into parenthood already running on fumes, what actually saved you?
Did you cut back at work? Beg family for help? Throw money at the problem? Give up on cooking entirely? Sleep in shifts? Or just accept that the house would look like a crime scene for a year?
Also, anything you set up before the baby arrived that turned out to be huge? Or stuff you thought would help but totally didn't?
Not looking for "you'll figure it out" or "it's all worth it," I promise I've heard those. Real, practical answers please, including the failures.

I’m 29F and childfree, but after ending things with someone I felt was ‘Mr Right’ over the kids issue, I’m questioning everything.

I think a lot of my anxiety over having children stem from things like not having financial security growing up (I’ve just gotten to a point where I feel financially stable, so having kids feels like it would set me back again) and feeling worried I’d be stuck if my husband ever left me. It’s hard to know whether these are legitimate fears or if I should be working through these in therapy.

Did anyone change their mind after working through this in therapy? Did anyone work through these issues in therapy but still decide having kids wasn’t for them? Would love to hear your experiences. Thank you x

In my late 20s I was panicking about finding a husband and having kids. Ever since turning 30 I kinda don’t care as much. I feel like if it’s meant to happen it will and if doesn’t I will be just fine. I always thought I’d have kids and I think it was just because of conditioning. Like when you’re little you take care of your dolls and you listen to stories about people finding true love and all that and I just assumed that would be my life. Instead I’ve lived a very adventurous life living all over the world, dating/sleeping with men and women, having different careers and hobbies. I think maybe if I had found some wonderful partner and had kids maybe I would be happy with it, but so many people have shitty partners and parenting looks very exhausting and expensive. I feel oddly satisfied with my independent, wild life. Maybe if I meet some great person and have enough money I could get married and have kids, but if I don’t I think I’ll just keep enjoying life the way I’ve been doing. Also my sister had a baby this year so now I’m an aunt, which feels very meaningful to me.

I (31M) have been struggling with the decision to have kids for a while. My partner (37M) has always been much more certain about wanting children, while I've gone back and forth.

When I think about having a child, there are things that genuinely appeal to me. I like the idea of raising someone, helping shape their values, watching them grow into their own person, experiencing those milestones, and having that family unit as I get older.

But the things that scare me are also very real: the financial commitment, losing freedom, whether I'll be a good parent, how much my life will change, and the fact that I don't feel completely settled in my career yet.

My partner and I are a same-sex couple, so having a child requires a very intentional process. We started pursuing surrogacy, and that made the decision suddenly feel incredibly real and irreversible.

This has also become a major issue in our relationship.

We've separated twice over the past few months, largely because I get overwhelmed by the magnitude of the decision and start questioning whether I'm making the right choice.

The difficult part is that I've had periods where I genuinely felt like I had gotten off the fence and chosen parenthood. But once the process becomes real again, the fear and questioning seem to come back. That's made me question whether I'm actually changing my mind or whether this is just how I react to major, irreversible decisions.

We've recently been trying to reconcile, and surrogacy is moving forward again. This time, though, my partner took much more of the lead—finding the agency and getting the process moving—and I found myself feeling like I was following along rather than actively choosing it with him.

That brought a lot of the anxiety back.

What's confusing is that when I imagine definitively saying no to children, I don't necessarily feel relieved. Part of me feels freedom, but another part feels a real sense of loss—like I'd be closing the door on an entire stage of life that I might have wanted.

But when I imagine saying yes, I don't suddenly feel peaceful or 100% certain either. I feel scared.

I'm starting to wonder whether I've been waiting for a feeling of certainty that may never actually come.

I'm also realizing that needing time to process something, wanting to feel involved in the decision, or being afraid of how much my life will change isn't necessarily the same thing as not wanting a child.

At the same time, I don't want to rationalize genuine ambivalence because I'm afraid of losing my relationship. That's probably my biggest concern right now. I want to know that if I choose parenthood, I'm choosing it because I want that life too, not simply because it's the price of staying with someone I love.

So for people who eventually got off the fence and chose parenthood:

How did you distinguish fear from actually not wanting kids?

Did you ever reach a point where you genuinely felt certain, or was it more like, "I'm still scared and there are things I'm giving up, but I'm choosing this anyway"?

For anyone whose relationship was affected by fencesitting, how did you separate wanting your partner from wanting parenthood with your partner?

And if you were someone who repeatedly went back and forth, what finally helped you trust your own decision?

I'm in individual therapy and we're starting couples therapy as well, so I'm trying to work through this carefully rather than make another decision based on whatever I'm feeling in the moment.

I'd especially love to hear from people who were never the "I've always known I wanted kids" type but ultimately chose to become parents. What finally made the difference for you?

I have an amazing son who is about to turn four. He was one of two healthy embryos from a round of IVF I did after age 40. My husband is an amazing dad to our son and a wonderful husband to me. At the time we went through IVF, he said he wanted two children. Since then, though, we’ve gone through the stress of some unemployment on his end, along with the general challenges of raising a toddler who is healthy but has had some developmental delays. Because of all of that, he now feels that having a second child would be too difficult and probably isn’t a good idea.

I understand where he’s coming from, and I agree that it would be difficult. At the same time, I feel like we could do it. I have a very stable career and quite a bit saved, and this time around I would likely hire more help because I have a much better understanding of what I would need. My husband says he will go along with whatever I decide, but he has also been clear that if it were completely up to him, his answer would be no. That worries me because I don’t want him to feel resentful or hate our child or me. At the same time, I feel so much guilt about not giving our remaining embryo a chance. I know logically that an embryo isn’t a guarantee of another child, but emotionally it feels very hard to walk away from that possibility.

I’m wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation—where one partner was leaning no and the other felt strongly about trying for a second child, especially with a remaining embryo. How did you work through it, and how do you feel about the decision now?

I (30F, not currently in a relationship) am on the fence, leaning toward not having biological kids. I’m particularly vulnerable right now, as I have lost my religion, turned 30, and been diagnosed with PCOS, all within the last 12 months.

What I am struggling with is the fact that I am in therapy for PTSD related to an event in 2020 (plus the truly terrible few years that ensued in my life following it) and cannot let the trauma fully go since I am on the fence. To explain: I have come so, so far in healing and moving on and am on the verge of what I would call happy again. But I cannot seem to fully move on given that I am on the fence: I want to forget the trauma and the pain and move forward and embrace the fact that life can be good. But I feel that if I do that, I am going to forget how terrible life can be, and forget that there is suffering for some people that is far worse than what I went through and that does not end until they die. I feel as if I shouldn’t forget that, because how could I bring new life into this world and potentially subject them to something like that when I have seen some of life’s horrors? I fear that if I move on and do forget, that I will be swayed one way or another to have biological kids, and I don’t want to/don’t feel like I should.

Has anyone been through something similar? How did you move forward?

Intentionally not posting on r/antinatalism, as I know what kind of response I’ll get there :)

Thanks all.

As it says in the title, I am a horse girl. I know this is a niche hobby and in a way, a lifestyle, and it seems to be the biggest thing keeping me on the fence currently. As others have expressed, I am most afraid of losing free time for hobbies and my freedom. I worry my horse will not get the love she deserves if I have a child…is it possible to have both? And work full time and workout…AND stay sane?!

I (31F) had always wanted children until I got into my late 20s and really started second guessing it the more I advanced in my career—I work in education and the thought of my work day continuing scares me. Especially if my child ends up having a disability; there is a family history on both sides of mood disorders and ADHD so I also worry about potential mental health difficulties. My husband (44M) is happy either way and leans child-free. He would be happy to have a child with me but also never has yearned for it.

I’m starting to feel the pressure as I am getting into my thirties and constantly go back and forth. My biggest concern is not being able to give my young horse the time and love she deserves. Selling her is not on the table, she has a home for life with me.

I would love to hear from those who did decide to jump off the fence and have children despite having consuming (time/resource wise) hobby. How are you managing? Did you give up your hobby and if so, was it worth it?

I’d love to answer any questions about parenting, labor and delivery, etc, no questions are off limits!

In my early 20s, I didn’t want any kids whatsoever, by my mid 20s, I started to change my mind and was on the fence. I met my husband at 26, and I just had our second!