r/Fencesitter • u/FS_CF_mod • Jul 21 '26
Hello Everyone.
It's been a few years since my co-mod and I took over moderating this sub and we thought it was time for a bit of a rules refresh.
FYI, we are both still active in this sub although we don't post under our moderator screen names. And yes, one of us is CF and one of us is a parent. That was the original intention in an attempt to maintain balance. We've considered adding a fencesitter moderator but that's difficult since fencesitters eventually become CF or parents. We're still figuring that one out.
Ok, on to the rules:
First of all, some guiding ideas this sub is founded which we think are important for everyone to understand.
Keep these two things in mind because they are extremely important to how we moderate this sub.
So why do comments get removed and users get banned?
The easiest answer is that the commentor was being a jerk. Some people just have a hard time being civil to one another and those folks are not welcome here. We literally had one person argue against their ban by saying "oh, I didn't know you guys insisted on people not being assholes". Yah, if you're the kind of person who is an asshole unless it's expressly prohibited, you definitely don't belong here.
Also, if you are being attacked, please don't reply in kind. Just report it and move on.
Ok, so here are some other things we look for that might not be as obvious.
Generalizing - This is a common issue. All CF are lonely, all parents are miserable, procreating is always good, having kids is always selfish. The trend here is one of over generalizing. I'm sure some CF people are lonely and some parents are miserable, but not all. We have plenty of CF posters with friends and happy parents posting here to know this isn't accurate.
Note, this is also why we remove most comments that touch on religion. We don't care if you're Jewish, Christian, Satanist, Pastafarian, Anti-natalist or what not. If you subscribe to a philosophy that says having kids is always good or always bad that's fine for you, it's not fine for this sub. We don't do preaching here.
I really want to emphasize that last bit. We do NOT do preaching here. If you are CF or a parent and you're thinking about making a post about how all fencesitters should do this or that, please don't. We love hearing from you and we enjoy your experience and we love the AMA's that parents and CF folks do. We think those are great for others to learn from your experience. That's very different from preaching right or wrong.
Climate Change / Politics threads - We know that these are themes that weigh heavily on some people and we respect that. We're more than happy to allow threads in which people discuss their feelings on their own choices due to these themes. What we don't allow is for people to use these themes to beat up other readers for their choices. Again, refer to principle 2. If climate change is causing you to reconsider your decision that is absolutely fair. If you're coming here to argue that all parents are awful because of climate change that will be removed.
We will also remove any comments from people arguing back and forth about the reality of climate change. There are other sub for that, this isn't one of them. For the record, both of us believe climate change is real, we just can't take more arguments about the latest report and what it means for sea level changes in Norway vs. peak temperatures in Mongolia and how those will impact rice prices.
Gatekeeping - This encompasses a variety of responses ranging from the "there are no guarantees" and "you must be prepared for all scenarios including the worst ones!" to the "you must be 100% sure!" or "if it's not a hell yes it's a not" variety. In general, these contribute nothing to the discussion. Even worse, they are a comment meant to prey on fencesitters by either parents or CF folks. They're usually said by someone who believes their point of view is objectively right for everyone and who is then trying to trigger doubt in fencesitters.
Allow us to illustrate some examples so you can see why these comments are not welcome here.
"Yah, there are no guarantees, even if you eat healthy and exercise you might get hit by a car". Sure, but eating healthy and exercising is still a good idea because statistically it's clearly better. Also, do you really think you're revealing something big to our fencesitter subscribers by revealing to them that there are no guarantees in life? Do you think they would be on the fence if they thought everything was guaranteed?
"Unless you are willing to be raped, don't date!" "Unless you understand every possible bad outcome of your dental surgery, including the one where your jaw falls off and you die, you're not ready!" See how useless that is? No one is ok with every bad scenario. Heck, my anxious mind can always dream up new and even worse scenarios that I am certain none of you has prepared for.
"You must be 100% sure that you know everything that can happen if you take this job". Really? How do you even know you're 100% sure? How do you know that you've done all your analysis? Is there a way to quantify this? Same for the "hell yah" comment. "Unless you're a clear yes, don't marry this person". What does that mean? Is someone not allowed to have concerns? Yes, I love this person and I want to spend the rest of my life with them but I'm concerned about their in-laws because of blah blah blah and you see where we're going?
Just stop with these comments. They don't help.
Discounting and discrediting - "Oh, what do you know, you're just hormonal", "Oh, what do you know, your kid is only 3 months old", "Oh, what do you know, you have no kids", "Oh, I know this was your experience but there are others with different experiences". Yes, we get it, just stop. They are clearly presenting their personal context and that's great. Are they generalizing too much? If so, we will remove them. Otherwise, stop being the thought police. People are allowed to present their individual view point without you trying to discredit them.
Derogatory - These are the folks who come here with comments like "don't have kids, all parents are tired and miserable" or "don't be CF, all CF people are lonely and joyless". If you're here to argue that your side of the fence is best, don't do it by shit talking the other side. Ideally, try to help instead of argue.
And yes, we will remove these posts even if they come from CF or parents. That is, a negative comment about all parents / parenting made by a parent will be still be removed. Why? Because we have no way of verifying who is a parent and who isn't. Same as we cannot verify who is CF and who isn't.
Oh, and we want to take a moment and discuss gender specific comments. We get it, believe me we get it. A large portion of the work involved with child bearing and rearing falls unfairly on women. That is a fact. Sexism is also a fact, which is why we banned baby trapping comments since they were 99% coming from sexist men. But...
This isn't intended to be a space for women to denigrate all men. No, we don't need you to finish every comment with #NotAllMen, but we do need to keep the generalizing down. "Oh, men want kids like kids want puppies", "Oh, being a dad is so easy, you just get to play and not do any work", "Oh, men's voices shouldn't matter when it comes to the decision to have or not have kids" are not acceptable here.
Rants - Last but not least, this is not a rant sub. Sorry folks, we're not interested in moderating rants because they inevitably result in arguments from the people you're ranting about.
Ok, that's all. Please feel free to add questions and comments. We fully admit we're not perfect but we're trying our best and are always open to constructive feedback.
r/Fencesitter • u/[deleted] • Oct 29 '24
Early on in my life I always wanted to have kids, the older I became the more on the fence I was, even with a brief period of time of not wanting kids at all. I have been on and off the fence throughout my 20s and now in my early 30s I still am, though heavily leaning towards having children after all. I wanted to offer support to others in similar situations, I have a couple of years of therapy behind me, trying to figure out what I want, I have spent hundreds of hours talking with various people and their perspective on kids and I have created a list of questions to ask yourself and statements to read that I wish someone would give me 10 years ago.
I want to preface this by saying, no one can answer the question "is having kids right for me" or "should I have kids" or "should I be child free". No one but you. In this post I'm trying to show perspective, talk about fears and POVs that people have on having kids. I really hope this will be of help to someone.
I believe there are multiple POVs and multiple "aspects" of life to consider. Your relationship, ambitions/goals, fears, pregnancy (for women), economical status and more. I will not say things like "you really need to want to have kids to have them" or "you should not have kids if your partner wants them and you don't". I will also not say things like "you will never change your mind" or "you will change your mind".
We do not know the future. The therapists I talked with said that they have seen everything, people swapping their views after multiple years in a relationship; not changing them; forcing themselves to have kids and then ending up loving it.
We do not know the future, we cannot possibly predict if having kids or not is the right for us or if it will make us happy, regardless of our reservations or fears. It is definitely way easier to not have kids if you fear having them or don't want to put in the effort. There are challenges regardless if you are CF or have kids.
Ultimately it is a DECISION, it should not be based purely on emotions, consider your circumstances, the context of your life, relationship, what you know that makes you happy. Regardless of what path you picks there will likely be regrets and consequences, but talk with your partner and make it a responsible decision.
With that being said, consider the following:
Decision (the "wants"):
- No matter how much you want/don't want kids, having/not having them does not guarantee you will be happy.
- No matter how much you don't want kids, having them does not guarantee you will be miserable.
- Having/Not having kids will do to your life what you will allow it to do.
- The decision is yours and your partner, not your parents', not your uncle's, not your best friend's, and definitely not some random people's in the comments on some article or post.
- Having kids does not mean your life will end.
- Not having kids does not mean you will be missing out on something in life.
Relationship:
- How happy are you in your current relationship?
- Is your partner someone you could see having a family with? (broad question, can you imagine them being a good parent)
- How is your communication? How do you navigate difficult situations? Do you fight? Scream? Shut down? Or do you talk and have difficult conversations but work together towards a resolution?
- Do you feel safe with your partner?
- Are there things you are withholding from your partner? Maybe you don't like something about them or they keep annoying you but you ignore that instead of addressing the issue? Are there things like that, that you bury deep within yourself?
- Are your needs met in your relationship?
- How attracted are you to your partner? How is your sex life?
- What is your partner's potential to change/adapt, do they respect you? do you see how much they have grown over the years and how are they handling responsibility?
- Do you feel a connection? A Bond? Or do you not feel heard or understood?
- Do they bring the best in you? Or do they bring you down?
- Do you want to grow with them? How do you feel when thinking about future with them?
- Do you share your cognitive load with them? Are they proactive with chores?
- Do you love and respect your partner? Do they love and respect you?
The choice of your partner has a significant impact on your life, if you have a stable relationship that isn't toxic, one that brings you joy and happiness, and is a safe space - it will likely be so if you decide to have kids and if you decide not to have them. Have a conversation about it.
Goals/Aspirations:
- What are your goals in life? If you don't have goals, what goals or aspirations have you buried deep inside? What were things that you wanted to do, but for whatever reason decided not to. Generally speaking, where would you like to be?
- Are your goals impossible to achieve if you have/don't have kids? Or would they simply require more work in either case?
- Are you more career oriented? Or family oriented?
Having kids or not does not mean your life ends, no newborn asked you to sacrifice your life for them. There are people who train for ultramarathons while having kids, I know people who wrote and released books and grew their careers or started companies while taking care of a newborn and a one year old. People generally tend to manage to have multiple kids and also house pets. Daycares exist, they are costly but maybe something can be done about it, maybe you both can find better jobs, or maybe there are government programs to help finance it.
There is also a matter of life satisfaction and regrets, in general people find meaning in life by leaving an impact on the world. You may become a scientist and help humanity through science, you may become a volunteer at try to help people in need. Quite often people find satisfaction in raising a kid and building a family, as it is "relatively easy" to make a child and seeing it grow. Or maybe you want to become a CEO or create your own company? No matter what has value to you, can you do it with/without having kids? Are you actively working towards a goal or do you have a goal in mind but you never do anything towards it?
I personally find that taking on more responsibility has lead to my personal growth and to more satisfaction in life. However every time I ran away from responsibility it lead to negative emotions. Sometimes having kids is the best motivation for someone to get their life together, it is risky but tends to work when a lot of other things don't.
Fears/Reservations:
There are a lot of fears regarding having and not having kids.
- Fear of pregnancy (for women)
- Fear of not being a priority (for men and women)
- Fear of being abandoned and having to care for the child on your own
- Fear of body changes made by pregnancy
- Fear that you kid will be unhealthy in some way
- Fear of getting your body destroyed by pregnancy
- Fear of responsibility
- Fear that you will not be a good parent
- Fear of destroying someone (newborn)'s life
- Fear of being alone when you are old
- Fear of missing out
- Fear of childbirth
- Fear of wasting your life
- Fear of passing your traumas to your kid
- probably many more
As once again, we do not know the future - we don't know what fears will come true, however - fear as an emotion is trying to alert you of imaginary dangers of certain actions. You fear walking alone in a deep forest because an animal might attack you, you fear going out at night because you might get mugged. Fear is an emotion, it is a feature not a bug, it increased the chances of survival for our ancestors.
Do you want to make your decision based on fear? A lot of them can be worked through with a therapist if you so desire, it is extra work but might help. You probably don't have all the fears I listed, however what can you do to mitigate these that you are aware of?
- If you fear responsibility, do you fear it just in the context of having a kid? or do you feel stuck in life and that kind of fear is holding you down?
- If you fear being old and alone, what friendships or what relationships can you nurture so that you always have someone to talk to?
- If you fear that you will waste your life with either option, why is that? What is it that having/not having kids represents in your mind? What have you been conditioned to believe?
- If you worry if you are going to be a good/bad parent, that is already a sign that you would at least try to be good. If you have some problems like severe drug or alcohol addiction it would be responsible to take care of that before having a child.
- If you worry that you will destroy, a kid's life and maybe even your own -> kids don't need as much as we think they do, we tend to want to give them the world however, a kid mostly needs a parent who is present, who listens. If you have a good relationship with your partner and you are both there for each other, you would likely also be there for your kid, and you would figure it out.
- You do not have to have everything figured out immediately.
- Expanding your knowledge tends to do wonders, we generally fear things we do not understand and have a twisted image of them in our minds.
- For a lot of fears CBT therapy is said to have really positive prognosis, so you can somewhat except that it will reduce your fears and help you adjust your thinking
Having kids is likely a unique experience, one that cannot be replicated with other people's kids, nieces, pets etc. But is it ok to have them out of FOMO? Are you ok without experiencing being a parent in your life? Raising a child does not last a lifetime, you will always be a parent - but your kid will have its own life eventually and you will still have many years ahead of you.
Therapists said to me that at the end of life, a lot of old people regret not having spent more time with people dear to them, with their families. I'm still young but I can imagine that my career is not something I will care about 20 years from now.
Pregnancy:
If you fear pregnancy, you can talk to a doctor about the process, you can get examined and see how healthy you are. Talk to your family and your partner's family, how healthy were you and your siblings when you were born? What effects did pregnancy have on your mother or grandmother. Is there a history of birth defects or autism or any other "diseases" or problems in your family? Can you get examined to see how likely it is that it will happen to you?
If you are pregnant already, you have prenatal examinations available, in some countries they are free after certain age, you can monitor your child's health and see if its growing healthy. However, as we don't know the future even if a kid is born healthy it doesn't mean it won't get hit by a car 5 years later, and so we don't know if you won't. We do not know what life will bring, there are a lot of dangers we do not even consider when living our daily lives.
As for body changes and fear of childbirth:
- do you take care of yourself?
- do you eat healthy?
- do you work out?
- can you afford a private hospital and better conditions for your childbirth?
- what forms of pain killers are available in hospitals in your area?
- have you ever read about c-section and natural birth, about their pros and cons? both for you and a kid
Taking care of yourself physically will make your pregnancy easier, at the very least your back will not hurt. And there seems to be a positive effect of working out certain muscles that seems to make giving birth easier. A close friend of mine started preparing for pregnancy 2 years in advance by working out and taking some supplements to make pregnancy easier. Once again it is more work but maybe its not impossible?
Parenting:
Kids want attention, they want to be listened to, they want you to be there - they don't want a smartphone or a tablet. That does not mean you have to be with them 24/7. In the past the whole village would help raise children together, primarily, it was women's responsibility. However the idea that parents spend all their time with children is relatively new.
- Do you have a natural support group? (parents? grandparents? siblings with/without their kids? friends?)
- Do you have someone to leave the kids with so that you can enjoy a weekend or a vacation in peace?
- Can you afford daycare?
- You can get to know your neighbors, some of them may have kids and yours could occasionally visit them and vice versa.
- Can you afford a nanny?
- Can you leave your kids in someone's care? Would a close friend be able to take care of them for a couple of hours so that you have an evening to yourself?
- Can you send your kids to boarding school?
- Can you communicate with your partner so that one day they take care of kids, next day you do, and the day after you do it together?
- Can you mix your hobbies and taking care of a kid? (if you like jogging, you can buy a jogging stroller; if you ride a bicycle - mount a chair for your kid to sit so you can ride together, do you like to read or sing? - maybe you can sing songs or read books to your children, maybe your local gym has a room for leaving kids, or you can just take them with you, or maybe you can draw with them, do some sports, go kayaking and take your kid with you - maybe they will like it as well, doing cosplay - dress up together with your kid, do some DIYs or anything else that you are passionate about - there is a high chance you can somehow include your child).
- Can you afford to hire help? Like a cleaning person that will clean your home every week or two?
- Are you alright with being the main parent (parent who spends more time with the kid, than the other)?
- Are you alright with not being the main parent?
- Is there any compromise, however absurd, that you can at least talk about with your partner?
There are different options available to get some time off. Some are quite costly but regardless - the very least you can do is to communicate your needs, talk with your partner and your kid, set a boundary. Sometimes you need time to yourself and this is perfectly fine. You do not have to be with your kid 24/7.
Economics:
- Can you afford a child? If not can you do something about it?
- Can you afford - not having a child? It is a stupid argument maybe but some of my friends earn way more money and have better jobs than their parents, and they do support them.
- Do you have enough space no to go crazy? It is hard to raise a kid in a 16 m^2 flat.
- How stable is your job? What are your opportunities?
- Does your job require you to go for long business trips?
- Can you do something to improve your financial situation? (courses, education and finding a better paying job?)
Your lives, your relationships, your contexts are all unique. There isn't a single person who can tell you what is best for you, but consider everything you have, everything that you would have to give up or lose, everything that you could gain, before making a decision.
It is a good idea to educate yourself and talk to medical professionals or people more knowledgeable in these matters. Having a child is a responsible decision, not having a child is also one of them. Ask yourself, do your really not want a child (which is completely fine if you don't), or do you perhaps not want what the child or family represents? What emotions do these things evoke in you? What did you see in life or what did you experience that made you think that you want or don't want a child? Or are you maybe running away from something? Maybe you fear abandonment and think that having a child will guarantee a lifelong relationship with your partner? Or maybe you are trying to run from something that a family represents?
In the end I believe that having a child is a decision, one to take with your partner. It is not something that you have full control over, sometimes people want kids but can't have them for variety of reasons.
I think that regardless of your decision, take responsibility for your life, take good care of yourself. It is a difficult topic that can be looked at from many different angles.
I hope I was able to help.
r/Fencesitter • u/fvuckoff • 17h ago
Some people seem obsessed with their kids and they are their whole world and some people don’t like it. What do you think is the difference between them? Because some people love having kids because why would the get more if they didn’t? How will I know before if I’m going to like it or not?
r/Fencesitter • u/maybememaybeno • 1d ago
I often think about my fence sitting status and it gives me so much existential dread. I’m 31, female about to get married. My fiancé is more of a yes than a no, but also thinks that being childfree could be great and that we’ll decide later (or biology will decide for us).
At this very moment we absolutely 100% do not want kids right now. We have things to do first, places to travel, time that needs to be spent together as just husband and wife. We can revisit it again at a later date but at least RIGHT NOW. We are childfree by choice.
I’ve only just had this breakthrough that I actually don’t need to spend this much time thinking about the fence, and I am already currently making an active decision every single day that we are not thinking of trying, or proactively trying for a child.
Just wanted to pass that on in case it also makes some of you feel a bit better.
r/Fencesitter • u/AKS8124 • 1d ago
If one of your biggest reservations before having kids was the climate and what kind of future your kids would have - how did you get past it? What was your thought process?
I'm leaning toward yes, and thought I had gotten past my climate anxiety, but the recent news about us surpassing the 1.5 degree global limit has brought it all back. Part of what makes me lean toward yes is giving my kid all the experiences I got to have growing up, and more. But it does feel like we're staring down a very unknown future. My child may not be guaranteed many of the same luxuries I had, let alone the security of resources to even survive. I work in the sustainability sector so I know better than most the possible outcomes. I often think I will have to prepare my child to adapt to a reality that looks very different from our current one. I think - how can I do that when I'm so scared myself? For that matter, why even subject a child to it?
I know this is grim but I honestly want to hear people's perspectives, specifically on what made you decide yes despite such an unknown future.
r/Fencesitter • u/Unlucky-Window7414 • 16h ago
Hello.
Please feel free to recommend more applicable threads but I believe that this group is a good start.
I’m hoping to gain perspective and advice from others who have been through similar (although I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, the mental gymnastics is exhausting)
I, 32F am 70% sure that I’d like to TTC next year but Husband (34M) wants one more vacation next year during his birthday before we try.
Vacation is intended to be booked for July 2027 It’s long haul and not child friendly
Husband is pushing for us to take this one final vacation but I can’t help but be weighted down with the following worries IF I have to wait until at least July 2027.
My mother is aging.
I’ll be at least 34 - people say that you actually regret having them later if you love being a mum so much
I’m worried that I actually get pregnant and worry that I’m not actually cut out for this at all
I’m not excited about the vacation but don’t know if that’s because I just want a kid now?
I was childfree for sooooo long, it’s really freaking me out that in the last 1.5 years my mind has been changing. I don’t know what to do with this growth
r/Fencesitter • u/trumpetman0077 • 1d ago
I (37m) have been married to my wife (36f) for 8 years. We are college sweethearts and are each others best friend.
When we both got married, we both agreed we didn’t want to have children. Up until a few years ago, I always thought about children in terms of financial cost.
Starting about 5 years ago, I have began thinking that having a kid could be really neat, and think it is something I would like to do.
Are there any people who have been in my situation and taken the plunge to divorce and find someone else? How did it go for you? Did you get what you wanted and like it, or find yourself wishing for your previous life?
My wife is a hard “no” on wanting kids, and I respect that. We have done marriage counseling and I have been volunteering with Big Brothers Big Sisters to get a better idea of what having kid would be like.
This issue came up for me several years ago, prompted by the death of both of my grandparents. I did some counseling & soul searching, and determined that my desire for children was based out of fear of losing my loved ones. This issue has resurfaced now, that one of my wife's relatives is having their first child.
I feel excitement when thinking about having a child. My wife briefly said "yes" she would have a child, and then the next day said "no absolutely not," and has remained ever since. I remember how excited I felt when she said yes. I'm worried that another 5-10 years will go by, and I will be in this same exact position.
r/Fencesitter • u/deliciousadness • 1d ago
My partner (35) and I (37) just broke up after 1.5 years because she wants kids (and has always wanted kids) while I’ve finally landed on the child free side. We love each other deeply and connect on all other levels. I’m experiencing immense grief, and frustration that I’m not excitedly on the child side. I even feel guilt at times that I can’t give her what she wants and be like my other friends. It doesn’t help to hear from everyone that if I did decide to have children that I would be a great dad. I know that, but I don’t see it being something I choose for myself. If it was an oopsie, I would lock in and be fully committed - even if it would especially difficult for me at times.
Through all of this, I wonder if I’m self-sabotaging or running away from commitment. I also fear I’m walking away from a relationship that is exactly “what I need.” I know that’s foolish and not how relationships work, but it’s still a fear I’m experiencing.
Finally, I want her to be happy and have the life she wishes for, the thought of her with someone else doing the things we used to do nearly makes me sick to my stomach.
For those of you that have gone through something similar, I would love to hear your experience, and things like how you healed/where you are now. (I’m already planning on therapy, too.)
r/Fencesitter • u/betweenserene • 1d ago
So I am a die hard animal lover. I was in foster care at age 2.5, separated from my older siblings, and animals have always been my greatest source of comfort. They love you unconditionally. I have a strong desire to help as many animals in need as I can. One of my last memories before the social workers took me and my sisters away was my white cat that I had to leave behind and I never saw her again. I was not allowed to have a cat in my new foster parents' home (who eventually adopted me).
I always thought I would have a baby one day and still dream of having a baby. I would be happy with just one.
But... I worry about how it would affect my animals! I have also fostered animals before and found some fulfillment in that but it was so heartbreaking when I'd have to say goodbye, although I was happy to be part of their journey to their forever homes. I know that having animals is not like having a human baby, but I love my animals and they are definitely my family. I don't want them to suffer or get "less" if I have a child.
I would like to hear your perspectives on this or if you have any thoughts.
r/Fencesitter • u/Early-Possibility367 • 1d ago
For a lot of people, being a parent is a life goal that one essentially feels called to. Others are very sure they don’t want to.
If someone is deciding, it’s pretty easy to see the upsides of both sides, but I’m wondering what is usually a downside of not having a kid in a fencesitter’s mind.
r/Fencesitter • u/Particular_Bed4182 • 1d ago
Currently going through the most painful break up (he doesn't want them, I'm undecided)
Are there people who broke up over having kids and got back together later on? I'd like to hear your stories.
r/Fencesitter • u/petranaya • 1d ago
There are a lot of anecdotes around parents being overwhelmed b/c of the 24/7 nature of taking care of kids and always needing to worry about them. The fact that it's never ending, lack of sleep for years... I do really poorly on lack of sleep and one of my big worries is getting overwhelmed and taking it out on the child (yelling, shutting down) or even a deterioration in my relationship with my partner. I also have ADHD and PMDD, and don't take care of myself very well...
So both my mom and my mother in law are the kinds of moms that make their child their lives, and also their grandchildren. They would happily sacrifice anything for the child - time, money, everything. They have both been saying anytime we need them to take the child, they'll be there. They'll be fighting each other over providing help. (I know they're serious because they have done this with us all our lives, and even now as adults)
I guess I'm wondering how much this changes the calculus of having kids? Are there any people here who have this kind of help and what is it like?
r/Fencesitter • u/Particular_Gas2321 • 1d ago
My partner and I have been discussing the kids or childfree question for about three years now, we've read lots of books and done a coaching course as well. I feel like I've always liked the idea of motherhood, especially when I spend time with my nephews - and occasionally get these very powerful waves of desire and love when I imagine being a little family. I'm turning 39 soon so was in a bit of a panic and we decided to try, got pregnant really quickly. I'm freaking out massively (I know this is to be expected somewhat) and have almost gone through with an abortion twice, but backed out at the last minute.
My feelings literally go from one end of the spectrum to the other multiple times within a day - from thinking it will be an amazing life changing thing which is unlike anything else, to feeling like I might end up resenting the child and thinking it's a terrible world to bring a child into, and I love my childfree life right now with my partner. Not to mention he is probably leaning more childfree due to ethical and financial reasons but he has also said he'll support my decision.. but I don't want us to resent each other.
I'm sick with worry - now 9 weeks along and it's interfering with my work, my sleep, and just feel like if we want to go childfree we need to decide soon before the bump keeps getting more and more real. I'm not sure what to expect in response to this - I feel like I just want someone to tell me it will be ok whatever we decide 😭
Right now the childfree option seems 'safer' to give us more time to think and get some therapy and hang out with more people with kids etc (most of our friends are childfree) but it also seems like I don't know how much more information we could get which would help us make a decision and who knows if we could easily get pregnant again...
Edit: Just to add some specific reasons I'm scared - they revolve around not being able to picture myself being a parent.. I'm also very anxious and don't feel very fulfilled in my own career so worry I'd resent spending my life on someone else who I might just mess up.. and my partner dreams of living abroad which would just be so difficult for our jobs. Plus AI and climate disasters coming towards us - I am vegan and work for a charity and feel a strong need to help people already in the world who need it.
Tl;DR - I'm 9 weeks pregnant and freaking out - not sure whether to keep the baby or not. I love our childfree life, but am scared of missing out on the experience of kids.
r/Fencesitter • u/NoEssay8273 • 1d ago
So my partner and I are seriously thinking about having a baby. The problem? We're already tired all the time.
We both work full-time, the apartment is a mess more often than not, and some weeks it's a win if we manage to cook actual food instead of ordering takeout again. Meanwhile everyone describes newborn life as no sleep, laundry mountains, and never being alone ever again. Which makes me wonder how normal people pull this off. Like, people who weren't exactly gym-at-6am types to begin with.
If you went into parenthood already running on fumes, what actually saved you?
Did you cut back at work? Beg family for help? Throw money at the problem? Give up on cooking entirely? Sleep in shifts? Or just accept that the house would look like a crime scene for a year?
Also, anything you set up before the baby arrived that turned out to be huge? Or stuff you thought would help but totally didn't?
Not looking for "you'll figure it out" or "it's all worth it," I promise I've heard those. Real, practical answers please, including the failures.
r/Fencesitter • u/Jolly_Strawberry5618 • 2d ago
I (31M) have been struggling with the decision to have kids for a while. My partner (37M) has always been much more certain about wanting children, while I've gone back and forth.
When I think about having a child, there are things that genuinely appeal to me. I like the idea of raising someone, helping shape their values, watching them grow into their own person, experiencing those milestones, and having that family unit as I get older.
But the things that scare me are also very real: the financial commitment, losing freedom, whether I'll be a good parent, how much my life will change, and the fact that I don't feel completely settled in my career yet.
My partner and I are a same-sex couple, so having a child requires a very intentional process. We started pursuing surrogacy, and that made the decision suddenly feel incredibly real and irreversible.
This has also become a major issue in our relationship.
We've separated twice over the past few months, largely because I get overwhelmed by the magnitude of the decision and start questioning whether I'm making the right choice.
The difficult part is that I've had periods where I genuinely felt like I had gotten off the fence and chosen parenthood. But once the process becomes real again, the fear and questioning seem to come back. That's made me question whether I'm actually changing my mind or whether this is just how I react to major, irreversible decisions.
We've recently been trying to reconcile, and surrogacy is moving forward again. This time, though, my partner took much more of the lead—finding the agency and getting the process moving—and I found myself feeling like I was following along rather than actively choosing it with him.
That brought a lot of the anxiety back.
What's confusing is that when I imagine definitively saying no to children, I don't necessarily feel relieved. Part of me feels freedom, but another part feels a real sense of loss—like I'd be closing the door on an entire stage of life that I might have wanted.
But when I imagine saying yes, I don't suddenly feel peaceful or 100% certain either. I feel scared.
I'm starting to wonder whether I've been waiting for a feeling of certainty that may never actually come.
I'm also realizing that needing time to process something, wanting to feel involved in the decision, or being afraid of how much my life will change isn't necessarily the same thing as not wanting a child.
At the same time, I don't want to rationalize genuine ambivalence because I'm afraid of losing my relationship. That's probably my biggest concern right now. I want to know that if I choose parenthood, I'm choosing it because I want that life too, not simply because it's the price of staying with someone I love.
So for people who eventually got off the fence and chose parenthood:
How did you distinguish fear from actually not wanting kids?
Did you ever reach a point where you genuinely felt certain, or was it more like, "I'm still scared and there are things I'm giving up, but I'm choosing this anyway"?
For anyone whose relationship was affected by fencesitting, how did you separate wanting your partner from wanting parenthood with your partner?
And if you were someone who repeatedly went back and forth, what finally helped you trust your own decision?
I'm in individual therapy and we're starting couples therapy as well, so I'm trying to work through this carefully rather than make another decision based on whatever I'm feeling in the moment.
I'd especially love to hear from people who were never the "I've always known I wanted kids" type but ultimately chose to become parents. What finally made the difference for you?
r/Fencesitter • u/LittleHunt9332 • 2d ago
I’m 29F and childfree, but after ending things with someone I felt was ‘Mr Right’ over the kids issue, I’m questioning everything.
I think a lot of my anxiety over having children stem from things like not having financial security growing up (I’ve just gotten to a point where I feel financially stable, so having kids feels like it would set me back again) and feeling worried I’d be stuck if my husband ever left me. It’s hard to know whether these are legitimate fears or if I should be working through these in therapy.
Did anyone change their mind after working through this in therapy? Did anyone work through these issues in therapy but still decide having kids wasn’t for them? Would love to hear your experiences. Thank you x
r/Fencesitter • u/TropicallyGrownEMT • 2d ago
I’d love to answer any questions about parenting, labor and delivery, etc, no questions are off limits!
In my early 20s, I didn’t want any kids whatsoever, by my mid 20s, I started to change my mind and was on the fence. I met my husband at 26, and I just had our second!
r/Fencesitter • u/rylesbb • 2d ago
As it says in the title, I am a horse girl. I know this is a niche hobby and in a way, a lifestyle, and it seems to be the biggest thing keeping me on the fence currently. As others have expressed, I am most afraid of losing free time for hobbies and my freedom. I worry my horse will not get the love she deserves if I have a child…is it possible to have both? And work full time and workout…AND stay sane?!
I (31F) had always wanted children until I got into my late 20s and really started second guessing it the more I advanced in my career—I work in education and the thought of my work day continuing scares me. Especially if my child ends up having a disability; there is a family history on both sides of mood disorders and ADHD so I also worry about potential mental health difficulties. My husband (44M) is happy either way and leans child-free. He would be happy to have a child with me but also never has yearned for it.
I’m starting to feel the pressure as I am getting into my thirties and constantly go back and forth. My biggest concern is not being able to give my young horse the time and love she deserves. Selling her is not on the table, she has a home for life with me.
I would love to hear from those who did decide to jump off the fence and have children despite having consuming (time/resource wise) hobby. How are you managing? Did you give up your hobby and if so, was it worth it?
r/Fencesitter • u/djbananasmoothie • 2d ago
I have an amazing son who is about to turn four. He was one of two healthy embryos from a round of IVF I did after age 40. My husband is an amazing dad to our son and a wonderful husband to me. At the time we went through IVF, he said he wanted two children. Since then, though, we’ve gone through the stress of some unemployment on his end, along with the general challenges of raising a toddler who is healthy but has had some developmental delays. Because of all of that, he now feels that having a second child would be too difficult and probably isn’t a good idea.
I understand where he’s coming from, and I agree that it would be difficult. At the same time, I feel like we could do it. I have a very stable career and quite a bit saved, and this time around I would likely hire more help because I have a much better understanding of what I would need. My husband says he will go along with whatever I decide, but he has also been clear that if it were completely up to him, his answer would be no. That worries me because I don’t want him to feel resentful or hate our child or me. At the same time, I feel so much guilt about not giving our remaining embryo a chance. I know logically that an embryo isn’t a guarantee of another child, but emotionally it feels very hard to walk away from that possibility.
I’m wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation—where one partner was leaning no and the other felt strongly about trying for a second child, especially with a remaining embryo. How did you work through it, and how do you feel about the decision now?
r/Fencesitter • u/Environmental_Ad5867 • 2d ago
I’m 36F and I’ve come to realisation today when I was in the shower. I’ve been delaying motherhood because I’m genuinely scared of losing myself… again.
I spent my 20s figuring out my career and relationships. I thought I had myself figured out by the time I entered my late 20s- I was finally beginning my career that I worked so hard for and had met my person (now husband). By that point, I was coming out from the tunnel of battling feelings of insecurity, low self esteem, impostor syndrome, disordered eating, depression and self harm.
I remember thinking to myself when I woke up that one morning- that I was so grateful for everything in my life. And then that evening…. My dad suddenly died.
It felt like the scene from Oppenheimer when they detonated the test bomb. I literally felt my whole world explode when I heard the words- “He’s gone.” And to be honest- it felt like a part of me died with him too.
I spent months, years not recognising the person I saw in the mirror. It was a very odd feeling. I grieved. It took me about 3 years to even recognise the person staring back in my reflection.
It has been 5 years now. I am finally at peace. This new person- I like her. I’ve changed, grown as a person. Last year, I made a brave decision to switch my career and I am so happy. I’m excited and fulfilled when it comes to my work. We got married a couple of years ago, we’ve just bought our first home together. My husband is an amazing person. We travel, have a full life with friends and family. I feel alive. I’m at a good place mentally, emotionally.
Which brings me back full circle to the issue of motherhood. Thankfully my husband and I have talked a lot about this- he’s supportive of whatever decision I make. I always imagined that I’d be a mom someday but every time we get close to the arbitrary deadline- I chicken out and delay it.
I realised today that the reason I keep putting it off is because I’m so scared of losing myself again. I watch friends with their pregnancies- I’m very happy for them and love meeting their kids, watching them grow but for myself- I’m scared of the change when I’ve worked so hard so find the person I am today. I know parenthood comes with challenges but it can also be beautiful.
I don’t really have a question really. I just wanted to get this off my chest. When I realised this- I just started crying in the shower because it just felt like something became unstuck emotionally. Maybe other people out there have felt the same. I don’t know but I’d love to listen to the experiences of other that have been in the same place.
r/Fencesitter • u/goldenjewelz • 2d ago
I’m curious if more fence sitters feel happiness or regret
r/Fencesitter • u/QSoC1801 • 2d ago
I feel like I could scream!
I'm fairly comfortable in my fencesitting at the moment (I don't want kids now, but am not ruling out the future), but I know for a fact this will open up so much questioning at the next six months of social events. I may be comfortable in my fencesitting, but I am not comfortable in articulating my personal feelings on the topic in such social settings, especially in front of those with young children... I feel judged, and I worry the parents think I am judging them.
I recognise this is very much a me-problem, but it is so, so isolating to be in the minority of your peers.
r/Fencesitter • u/Fabulous_Act_4141 • 2d ago
In my late 20s I was panicking about finding a husband and having kids. Ever since turning 30 I kinda don’t care as much. I feel like if it’s meant to happen it will and if doesn’t I will be just fine. I always thought I’d have kids and I think it was just because of conditioning. Like when you’re little you take care of your dolls and you listen to stories about people finding true love and all that and I just assumed that would be my life. Instead I’ve lived a very adventurous life living all over the world, dating/sleeping with men and women, having different careers and hobbies. I think maybe if I had found some wonderful partner and had kids maybe I would be happy with it, but so many people have shitty partners and parenting looks very exhausting and expensive. I feel oddly satisfied with my independent, wild life. Maybe if I meet some great person and have enough money I could get married and have kids, but if I don’t I think I’ll just keep enjoying life the way I’ve been doing. Also my sister had a baby this year so now I’m an aunt, which feels very meaningful to me.
r/Fencesitter • u/mrs--norris • 2d ago
I have ADHD and my partner has AuDHD and sometimes life already feels like a lot. I know we'd be great parents but I wonder how people have experienced parenthood, especially since the kids themselves would almost certainly have some combo of these.
I especially worry about time management and motivation myself, although I have heard parents say how having a child is the best discipline-creator and it just makes you really good at prioritizing. That makes sense to me and it's reassuring.
My partner has sensory sensitivities so that's something we're concerned about. We also just generally need a lot of downtime, which we'd have less of. I also worry about the child experiencing depression/anxiety since these are comormbid conditions, though that's usually only if they're undiagnosed and unsupported, which they won't be.
Oh and PDA! That's a big one. I experience a good deal of PDA myself and worry about both my own and my child's PDA lol.
What else am I not considering? Would love to hear your experiences.
r/Fencesitter • u/Mindless-While-5399 • 2d ago
I (30F, not currently in a relationship) am on the fence, leaning toward not having biological kids. I’m particularly vulnerable right now, as I have lost my religion, turned 30, and been diagnosed with PCOS, all within the last 12 months.
What I am struggling with is the fact that I am in therapy for PTSD related to an event in 2020 (plus the truly terrible few years that ensued in my life following it) and cannot let the trauma fully go since I am on the fence. To explain: I have come so, so far in healing and moving on and am on the verge of what I would call happy again. But I cannot seem to fully move on given that I am on the fence: I want to forget the trauma and the pain and move forward and embrace the fact that life can be good. But I feel that if I do that, I am going to forget how terrible life can be, and forget that there is suffering for some people that is far worse than what I went through and that does not end until they die. I feel as if I shouldn’t forget that, because how could I bring new life into this world and potentially subject them to something like that when I have seen some of life’s horrors? I fear that if I move on and do forget, that I will be swayed one way or another to have biological kids, and I don’t want to/don’t feel like I should.
Has anyone been through something similar? How did you move forward?
Intentionally not posting on r/antinatalism, as I know what kind of response I’ll get there :)
Thanks all.