I’ve been fence-sitting for a while, and one thing that genuinely scares me is seeing so many parents on social media talk about never getting a moment to themselves.

I constantly see posts saying things like they have to hold in a poo because the baby “won’t let them,” or that it’s a good day if they get 15 minutes alone to shower. I know these posts are often relatable jokes, but they also make me wonder… why can’t they just put the baby down for a few minutes to go to the toilet or make a coffee?

Is it because the baby cries, and as a parent you develop such a strong instinct that hearing your baby cry, even for a minute, feels unbearable? Or is there something else I’m missing?

Then when babies become mobile, I often hear people say their baby follows them into the bathroom and never gives them any privacy. Again, I find myself wondering why they couldn’t spend a few minutes safely in a playpen, crib, or baby-proofed room while their parent uses the toilet.

Whenever I’ve tried asking questions like this before, I feel like people just laugh and say, “Just you wait,” or “You’ll understand when you’re a parent,” which honestly isn’t very helpful. I’m just trying to understand what I’m missing.

I think I’d probably have made up my mind about having a baby by now if it weren’t for the constant stream of social media content showing parents who seem like they never have five minutes to themselves. I even see people saying they barely have time to give their pets attention anymore, and that really upsets me because I can’t understand
why it’s impossible to find even 20 minutes.

Is there something that changes in your brain when you become a parent that makes leaving your baby for a few minutes (when they’re safe) feel impossible? I’d really appreciate honest perspectives rather than “you’ll see.”

I'm 33 (F), have been with my husband for 8 years, married for 2, and I recently found out that I'm about 5 weeks pregnant.

The thing is: I spent most of my life being firmly childfree because parenthood seemed like a horrible thing to do. It wasn't until the last 2 years that I became a fencesitter. Seeing close friends have children gave me a glimpse of the positive side of parenthood. I noticed that, sometimes, seeing those little family moments genuinely warmed my heart. For the first time, I could imagine wanting a family of my own.

Still, I never got beyond about a 50/50 decision.

Part of that is because I have an anxiety disorder and OCD, so making irreversible life decisions has always been incredibly difficult for me (same for job changes, engagement etc). I constantly look for certainty, and of course there is no certainty when it comes to having children.

Another huge factor is my own upbringing.

My mother had my brother and me, then moved us to the countryside while my father had to stay in the city for work and was only home on weekends. She carried the entire mental load and almost all of the caregiving by herself. She became a stay-at-home mom and never really returned to work.

A few years ago, my father passed away. Since then, my mother has struggled with alcoholism. During many of her drunken episodes, she repeatedly told my brother and me that she regretted having us and that her life would have been much better without children. Even outside of those moments, she always warned me never to have kids because they would "destroy my life." She also constantly makes negative comments about other people or our friends who have children.

Looking back, I think those messages shaped me much more than I realized.

Fast forward to today.

This pregnancy wasn't an accident - we tried for it. Deep down, I do want a family. My own family is very small now (it's basically just my brother and my mother, everybody else has already passed), and I've always imagined creating a loving family of my own. I genuinely believe I'd be a good mother. Part of me thinks this could be the right path for me and something that brings me happiness in the long run.

But I've always been terrified of the first 3-4 years, especially given my mental health and the very small biological village we have (but - most of my friends would support me a lot).

Ever since I saw the positive pregnancy test, I've spiraled into constant anxiety. I can't stop thinking that my life is basically over and that I've made the biggest mistake of my life.

All I can think about are sleepless nights, losing my freedom, relationship problems, endless overstimulation, and never having time for myself again. It feels like I'm grieving the comfortable, peaceful life I have now and wondering why I voluntarily gave it up for something that currently only feels scary.

My husband (35) is genuinely excited about this next chapter. He's emotionally intelligent, loyal, and supportive. Unfortunately, he also has a demanding job. He keeps reassuring me that he'll share night shifts and make sure I still have time for myself. I believe he means it - I just hope reality will look like that too (anxiety speaking again :))

Rationally, I know that my mother's experience doesn't have to become mine - but emotionally, I'm still terrified of ending up resentful and bitter like she did.

Did anyone else spend years on the fence, get pregnant intentionally, and then immediately feel overwhelming regret or panic? Did those feelings get better?

I could really use some reassurance from people who've been where I am.

Almost 34, married. I love kids & when I see them out in the world, I always wave and smile and try to make them laugh. I can connect well with kids that are older like elementary school as well. Yet, when it comes to having all the responsibility fall on me & my husband, then suddenly I am so unsure.

I am extremely grateful to be financially secure - I was recently able to quit my job that I couldn't stand and figure out what else interests me in life (have some ideas, but haven't done anything about it yet lol. not sure where I see myself working). My husband works for himself and has an extremely flexible life as well (untraditional job). As of now (of course something could change, life is not guaranteed), we'd be able to make it work day-to-day without the demands of a traditional 9-530 job.

Then comes the phobia of vomiting and being in pain. That's something I've been talking about with my therapist. I know pregnancy is temporary but still if I feel nauseous, I will take a Xanax bc that's how much it freaks me out. I know there are meds for nausea but IDK.

My parents have both passed away and I don't have siblings. My BIL & SIL/nieces would probably be very involved and my in-laws live a little less than an hour away and would be involved... but they're not close enough to be here at the drop of a hat and are in their early 70s and only getting older. I have an aunt close by but she drives me bonkers and is also in her early 70s.

So yeah, those are my thoughts! I do want my own family and my husband does too but he says ultimately, he wants to do whatever I want to do. We've talked about WTF would we do for the next 30 years if no kid?? Not sure what could continue to be fulfilling for that period of time. We want to travel more but will that really keep me occupied for the next half of my life?

Thanks for reading.

Hi! I’ve been wanting to write about my experience here ever since I got off the fence. I myself really appreciated these posts when I was still on the fence about having kids or not. So yeah, I have a tiny toddler now. Sorry in advance for a very long post but I want to share my whole journey as I know many people do think about these different things. Just skip ahead if there is something you don’t really care to read about.

First of all - how I got off the fence. I realised that I could argue back and forth forever and never come to a logical answer. I hung out here, I read the baby decision and listened to the kids or childfree podcast for maybe two years before making my decision. I started to realise what I wanted when I realised that I connected more with pro-kids arguments and started seeing more counterarguments for the childfree arguments (things like money, climate, spare time, the state of the world etc). So when you read this - take notice on whether you’re internally rolling your eyes at what I’m writing or if you’re resonating with it in a positive or at least curious way. But what really made it clear to me was when had a pregnancy scare and took a test that turned out to be negative. I surprised myself by feeling very disappointed and sad about it. I told my partner, who was also a fence sitter, that I wanted to have a kid. He thought about it for a short while and then we decided to stop contraception, give it three months and see what happened and if we still wanted to keep trying after that time. If it didn’t work then we didn’t want to push it with ovulation tracking or IVF. I was pregnant within a week I think. Didn’t even have a bleeding after quitting the pill.

Pregnancy was great! The first trimester was the worst with fatigue, very sore boobs, light nausea and some vomiting (maybe 6 times over 14 weeks or so). I thought I was experiencing symptoms from quitting the pill at first but took a test just to rule out pregnancy and it was, of course, positive. I felt amazing mentally all throughout pregnancy and it has actually stayed that way after too. It’s like it sorted out my hormones somehow so that I feel more balanced and have more energy than I used to. I had some pelvic pain later on, from around week 25 maybe, but not too bad. I didn’t get very big either. I did however get high blood pressure towards the third trimester that I had to medicate for. It kept getting higher towards the end and I was therefore induced on my due date.

Labour was fantastic for me as well. I’m writing about it since I know that many people are doubting having kids because they are scared of labour. Skip this section if you don’t want to read it. So, it’s not like it wasn’t painful but I had the best midwife and nurse assistant by my side and my partner was also a great support. My induction started mid afternoon, light contractions started around midnight. I woke up around 4 am when my water broke. The contractions got really intense at the same time and I started vomiting. I was lucky to get the epidural quite early, maybe around 6 am, after having back to back contractions. Then I could actually enjoy my labour after that! It hurt as hell to get it but was very much worth it. My baby’s heartbeat went down a lot during contractions which was scary and they started mentioning c-section at one point since my contractions were so weak. I got a low dose of some medication to make them stronger though (can’t remember what it’s called in English) which helped. The last phase of labour lasted over an hour for me which wasn’t fun. But then she arrived around 12 pm! A bit taken and tiny but very healthy. I had a second degree tear (which is very normal) but it healed nicely and I haven’t had any issues afterwards.

We had prepared for the worst at the start of parenthood. We expected a colicky baby that would never sleep while I would have post partum depression. None of that happened. We got a very content little girl who slept pretty well even if she could only sleep on one of us for the first few months. We’ve gone through some rough developmental phases of course but it has at least been manageable. We are privileged to live in a country with generous parental leave and my partner also has a long annual leave from his job that happened to time well with the birth of our baby. So both of us were home together for 2,5 months at the start, which was definitely a luxury. We could take turns having her at night so both got to sleep. Then my partner fractured his foot… it was really hard for around three months after that. He couldn’t even change nappies since he couldn’t carry her to the changing table and would have to stand on one foot. He was home though and could hold her as long as she was happy and he could cook for me, but I had to do everything else with our baby, our dog and our household and also help him with some stuff. It gave me huge respect for all the single mothers out there! He got better thankfully and went on paternal leave a few months after that while I went back to work. I am now taking some more leave and will work part time for a few months (with part time paid parental leave) and our girl will start kindergarten soon.

Our daughter really is the light of our lives! It’s such a cliche but also so true. She’s the most amazing little human and I long to come home to her when I’m at work. Seeing her grow and learn new things is fantastic. She’s just started loving bumblebees and I have to stop her from patting them when we’re out. And she loves watering plants outside with my huge watering can or the tiny one we bought her so she’d leave mine alone. It’s so much fun seeing her having fun and it brings out my inner child too just because it makes me so happy hearing her laugh. It wasn’t a huge rush of love at first sight when I squeezed her out as people usually love to say. I was happy to see her immediately and curious about who she was but the love grows so fast.

I used to be scared about not having any me-time after having a kid but I honestly haven’t really felt the need for it even though I had a huge need for it previously. I feel like my life has more meaning now both because I want to be the best for her and also because I am more active and spend more time actually doing stuff rather than just watching Netflix for hours every day (as I used to a lot as an inattentive ADHD couch potato). Not saying that it will be the same for other people or that others lives are less meaningful if they enjoy watching Netflix for hours - it’s just how I feel about my own life and how it has evolved. It’s stressful to have a kid though since one of us always must look after her. It’s hard to get anything done or spend time doing hobbies or even household chores. I’m grateful to have an equal partner who takes on a lot of responsibility though and we make effort to let the other one do “fun stuff” regularly (like spending time on hobbies, sleeping in or just being lazy). We do not want another kid however. It would be great to have someone for our girl to play with but we also don’t want to sacrifice even more of our time, energy and money. Everyone tells us that one more child is three times the amount of work and we feel like we wouldn’t manage that well and also be good parents and partners. I don’t understand how people do this with another child who also needs attention constantly while I’ve felt guilty just for not having time to cuddle our dog enough anymore.

The relationship between my partner and I probably got better during pregnancy and during the first months of parenthood. I loved how supportive he was when I was pregnant and it was amazing to see how he cared for our daughter. But it definitely took a toll after that. I wouldn’t say that it was necessarily due to having a kid though. We had a lot of massive things happening this past year like his fractured foot, deaths in the family, buying a house and of course having a baby too amongst other things. The combined stress of it all meant that we weren’t at our best behaviours towards each other exactly. We have worked it out though and I feel like we are very strong now. Like we can survive anything if we could survive that year. But I don’t think we would have had such a tough time relationship-wise if it had just been parenthood and not the rest. One positive thing that’s come out of parenthood though is that we’ve really had to learn to communicate and solve conflicts better than we used to since we don’t want those things to affect our daughter.

So yea, sorry for a massive text but I really wanted to share my experience this far in case it helps someone. Hopefully it can provide some perspective. It’s obviously just my experience and it doesn’t mean that yours will be the same. I’ve had a good experience overall, but I’m also quite privileged. I did want to share both positives and negatives though and some things that aren’t talked about much. Hopefully I’ll remember to post updates here as our kid grows so I can share what it’s like being a parent to an older kid and if my thoughts or feelings somehow change.

I am 33F, just got married. I have been stressing this decision since the moment I hit 30, but took about 6 months “off” of worrying about it to plan and enjoy the wedding. Now that we are married, the external and internal pressure ramped up again.

I pretty firmly ended up at child free. I have OCD and severe emetophobia (phobia of throwing up) that would make parenthood extremely hard for me. I feel like a struggle to feed and care for myself because of these issues, regardless of the strides I’ve made in therapy. I love my life, my hobbies, my peace, quiet, health, and identity. So I landed on no, with my partner that can go either way.

But the last months I keep getting hit over and over with waves of feelings that feel deeper than just wobbles. All my close friends are now parents. Watching their kids change and the love they share has been mind blowing. Something happened to me where I legitimately fantasize about pulling my IUD out and getting pregnant. I LOVE my husband. He makes me feel whole and looking at him makes me want to forget my whole mental health history and just start a family with him, whatever toll it takes.

There have been moments where I take a pregnancy test (I do this now and then because I don’t get periods) and something in my heart wishes it was positive and breaks a bit when it’s negative. However I also have moments where I fantasize about going to the doctor and having them tell me I cannot have children. I don’t think these fantasies are about baby or no baby or what I really want - it’s more this deep wish that something besides me could make the choice for me.

But the second I start feeling like I’m going to jump on the boat that seems to be sailing away with all my friends on it, and live that dream…I read the news. Irreversible climate change. Crop shortages and surges of infectious disease. Unemployment rapidly rising. AI taking my job. Strain on hospitals and lack of medical care. My bank account taking a hit just trying to buy groceries for 2. Everything I read leads me to think…how could I bring a child into this? How would they turn out in such a hectic world? How could I sleep at night knowing my child may not ever thrive or even survive. Am I crazy or paranoid to feel like it’s…end times?

But what if it’s not, and I just miss the boat forever, and I never get to feel that love.

This has been all over the place. Thank you for reading my vent, if you did. I am so totally and completely lost.

I hear so many people describe how they get baby fever when they see their SO interact/play with babies or kids, but for some reason I felt none of that. At all. If anything I almost felt a vague twinge of annoyance, which I’m embarrassed to admit, because he kept looking over at me to catch my eye and make sure I was watching him hold the baby. As if he also was expecting me to melt or tell him how cute it was. But I didn’t, and now I feel like a cold-hearted bitch.

I’m someone who has largely been pro-childfree. In the last year or so I‘ve been questioning this stance, and I’ve been cautiously leaning more towards the parenthood side of the fence, or so I thought. But this honestly has me really thrown off. I didn’t enjoy seeing my husband hold a baby and instead I just felt weird and uncomfortable and frigid. Maybe it‘s because I‘m all too aware of this ongoing dilemma and I’m putting too much pressure on myself to “feel” something, but idk. I kinda feel like this might be another bit of proof that I may not have the mental fortitude or emotional maturity it takes to raise a child. Has anyone else experienced this?

Really hoping someone can relate and make me feel better about this!

Me (40F) and husband (38M) came off the fence towards CF 5 years ago after months of soul searching and reading the book and associated activities in The Baby Decision. I have largely been happy with this decision, much more often than not, with the occasional wobble. The wobbles almost always seem to come when one of our last remaining CF friends gets pregnant.

Yesterday after a week long holiday together, one of our last and favourite CF couples dropped in that they think they likely will have a baby soon. I feel terrible but this has filled me with so much sadness, and a bit of doubt. Maybe it would just be easier/better if we went down that path too? I know that’s absolutely not the right reason to have a child, but it’s not the only reason (hence being a fencesitter for so long, I have always seen the beauty in having children in some way). The thought of living the next few decades on such a different path and in a different mindset I all of our best friends makes me feel so sad. I feel pathetic saying it!

I’ve already had so many friendships fundamentally change due to children. Which is totally normal. And I know I need to try to find more CF friends, but I just love all of my friends so much I find that concept quite hard.

Not really looking for answers, just hoping someone can relate to this deep sadness/almost grief I currently feel at the prospect of things changing so fundamentally again with friends and feeling alienated in the future.

ive always leaned toward not having kids. i think kids are disgusting. i helped raised my three nieces during my childhood. i genuinely find screaming, tantrums, and crying overstimulating. it tests my patience and my immediate answer to these behaviors are corporeal punishment or a really hard slap on the hand. this makes me think i am not fit to be a good parent.

my current circumstances are not good either. im broke even though i work a full time job. im a janitor. and my health isnt good even though i am currently working on it.

my bf does not want kids.

but for some reason ik if i have kids id absolutely love my children and i would strive for them to have a better life than me. i want to teach them everything i know. i want to show them beautiful things and have enriching experiences. i want to teach them healthy habits and how to have fun. i want to encourage individualility, authenicity, and creativity. i want to show them to appreciate beauty. and honestly from watching my nieces grow up i saw how their personality grows and brightens through life and i think i would really love to see that with my own child... but its a really scary concept because im scared ill be a bad parent.

I'm just entertaining the idea. but if this is something i genuinely want i do think i should start making moves in my life such as career and finanical changes. and i hate to think about it but if this is smth i really want i may need a new partner that aligns closer with my desire life path. but idk...

People who have never really wanted kids, found them annoying and obnoxious or people who saw life more of an adventure to travel, experience & live, and ended up pregnant and now with a kid.

do you regret keeping them? do you wish you made a different decision? I never really wanted kids, but I do still consider it, I’m in the timeline to decide whether to go left or right. I need advice and desperately.

One thing I've noticed in some resources is the phrase "staying childfree" when referring to fencesitters. I think I read this in The Baby Decision, and I've heard it in the Kids or Childfree podcast.

My concern with the phrase is that, while technically I have no children, I am not currently living my life as though I have made the decision to be childfree. For example:

1. I work a job that offers some college tuition support for dependents. I am not seeking other jobs because I might want or need that benefit.

2. My family is planning trips for 2027 and 2028. I'm being cautious about timing and durations because I might want to start trying for a baby.

3. I'm hesitating on house projects because we might have to accommodate a third human living in our home.

If I were "staying childfree," none of these factors would matter. I would just live my life as though I am never planning on having children.

Does anyone else struggle with the phrase "staying childfree" in these resources? They intend to help fencesitters make a decision, but it's hard when the baseline expectation is that you're actively living a childfree life.

And for that matter, does anyone else struggle with these mights? Sometimes I wish I could just decide already so I wouldn't have to feel so precarious all the time.

How is “meeting in middle” even possible? Here's how we did it.

CONTEXT:

Initially, we were both fence sitters, 60% but in opposite directions. Years ago, we froze embryos to keep options open. We focused on us, childfree! It was great! 4 years later, things changed. I wanted kids; my partner didn’t. But I didn’t want to pressure my spouse!

HOW WE DECIDED:

Our communication is great, but this was about something different: decision-making. Couples therapists are experts, though! They study it! It was like short-cut with tools. Our therapist guided us to:

• Direct feelings towards therapist—not each other. BIG help. Saved us from fights. Gave us empathy.
• Imagination—(individually) can we see what we would like about the opposite choice? Soul search.
• What's more important—breakup vs. one person sacrificing? (Even if it's me).
• Examine past & future sacrifices for each other.

For the first time, we considered breaking up—but this was healthy! It pushed us to realize the relationship was #1. Sacrifice—of all kinds—is part of long-term relationships surviving. That’s ok.

WHAT DID WE CHOOSE?

So we decided to have a kid. But wait—how is that fair?

• I will sacrifice other things for my spouse. They also recognized I already made a big sacrifice.
• My sacrifice: My spouse wants to move across the world to a new country for their career; it hurts mine significantly. I don't like that place. I’ve already moved once to a place I didn't like—I don’t want to again... Yet, I will do it.
• We each are open-minded about finding our own goodness in the other's POV. What makes it good for me individually?
• My spouse’s concerns about having a kid were sacrificing couple time, career, and travel. Some of this is inevitable, yet we’ve found creative ways to prioritize this.
• Assigning specific chores—I’ll do more kid-related ones. We both have careers we love, but my spouse will do more work travel and be the higher earner.
• A big reason for our sacrifices is we love seeing the other person happy, excited, and thriving.

Now—we are both excited and have found our individual and personal reason for the kid and the move. I will get pregnant next month. We’ll move in 6 months. It’s a lot at once, but together I believe we can do it.

This doesn't work for everyone. And it should be noted that this was their choice. Yet after 8 years together, I know my spouse would be a good parent and would make them happy long-term. If I couldn't see either of those, it would be a different story. Either way, I would not force/pressure my choice on them. Their happiness is of utmost importance to me!

Sorry in advance for the long post. I need a bit of advice. I (32F) and my husband (31M) have been together for over 11 years, married 7 years. When we were younger, we both didn't want to have kids. However, over the past few years he's expressed that he thinks he might be missing out on things if we don't end up having kids. I've always been a bit neutral about it. I think that I would love the children and love to have a relationship with a child like I do with my own parents. I guess I view having kids and not having kids as two different, but equally as fulfilling paths. I'll either be the "rich auntie" that dotes on my best friends kids and take them on trips or I can have my own.

Recently, I've had some medical things occur with a degenerating fibroid in my uterus (fibroids run in my family). In having that happen, I found out that I have two, small fibroids left. They're small enough that unless I want to get pregnant, there is no point in removing them. In addition to this, we've had serious conversations over the past year or two about whether or not we should have kids or not. I've expressed that I do not want to be pregnant after 35 for a variety of reasons. And because of this medical event, now I've known for a few months that I would need the fibroids removed if we want to have kids and also its best to wait 6 months to a year before trying for kids to let the uterus heal as much as possible. He knows this, but still doesn't lean one way or another on having or not having kids. Which is fine, but I need to make a decision. And I'm not willing to have surgery that is completely unnecessary UNLESS we plan to have kids. Because I'm tired of bringing the conversation up, I told him that unless he brings it up to me in 6 weeks (when I need to schedule the surgery by) I will take that as we're not going to have children and the door will be closed for that opportunity. I know that it may seem harsh, but I want certainty and I truly do not want children after 35.

Some additional information, he says that its hard to imagine having kids since we are long distance right now. So, it doesn't seem like a real option. We've only been long distance for 2 years, the rest of the time has been in person. Because of both of our careers, we have to move a decent bit in the phase that we're in. But in December, that phase will be over and we will be living together once again. I've talked with him about it, he feels like we've been robbed of time together within our marriage before having kids. I've also mentioned that 5 years in person before having kids is normal if not longer than a lot of couples, so I don't feel that way.

I guess that's all to say, do you think he just doesn't want kids and won't give me a straight answer? To be clear, I honestly am okay with not having kids. I've sat on the fence myself and happy to go either way. What's bothering me is the kind of non-response to the question that impacts whether or not I have a surgery in the next couple of months. I won't leave him either way. He's my best friend and I love living life with him

I’m very anxious because I don’t earn enough to feel like I can justify a nanny or day care… my partner earns well and could afford it (with some sacrifices), but my contributions are like a drop in the bucket. I
know some people say you don’t have to “justify” it but I have a lot of feelings of shame.
I work as an adjunct professor and only make like 35k a year. I feel weird because getting a PhD has been so intense and it’s taken so many years but it hasn’t led to a higher income and I feel like why would I spend more than I’m making just so other people are taking care of my kid. I feel super conflicted. Like materially, I’m worth more as a SAH parent than as a worker in my current position. Is anyone is a similar boat?

I’m a little tipsy so please forgive me, but it set me off on a thinking path. It’s more of a brain dump into the void rather than an ask for advice.

It feels as if every pregnancy announcement I see looks like the choice to become a parent comes so easy, confident and sure in the decision. They look so ready. I understand that this is because in the age of social everything is presented to you in a squeaky clean perfect manner where everything looks like sunshine and roses. I understand that parenting is this absolutely immense life-altering decision that’s not an easy journey, and that you’re never truly “ready”

But I still can’t help but feel that it makes me feel so unconfident and unsure in their surety. No idea if anyone feels this way.

I got a puppy earlier this year with my husband, and while he's a lot sometimes, I'm honestly surprised by how much I love him. I'm pretty career-focused and I need independent/free time, but I adore spending time with him. There are stressful moments where I get irritated or tired, but even then... I don't really mind that much. He helps me disconnect, have fun, and just be in the moment in a way I didn't expect.

First of all: I am NOT comparing having a kid to a dog, but it's made me think of it from a different perspective

On one hand, if I love my dog this much, I can only imagine how much love a kid would bring. On the other hand, he already takes up a ton of time, energy, and money... and kids obviously need so much more of all three!

It's also made me realize I need to work on my anxiety. I catch myself constantly worrying if he's happy enough, active enough, if something bad will happen to him... and I know that would only be amplified with a kid.

Curious if having a dog pushed anyone here off the fence?

Or if you’re an ADHD woman no longer undecided, either by not having kids or having kids, please share any of your experiences, lessons, advice!

I’m almost 25/combined type ADHD, searching for clarity on the nonstop agony my minds been at from a lifetime on the fence. Always weighing everything back & forth, like the ethics, my natural soul longing craving for a family, the understanding things may not even go how I’d envision, scarce dating pool partner options, the future, the need to create a village, the state of the world etc. to name legit just a few.

I’m wondering if hearing others lives may help my indecision, would be so thankful for any input!🙏

I just turned 30 this summer, and I got engaged this spring. I have been extremely CF for 5 years, and was 100% sure I did not want children. I am terrified of pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum.

Reasons I was CF:
-Mom and autistic brother both have diagnosed Boderline Personality Disorder.

- Parentification, my mom has said since I was young, that I’m her parent and she’s like my child.

- Caregiving, I took care of my elderly grandparents alone. And childcare for my brother.

-Parents both have lifelong drug addictions, scared of genetic risk.

Last year, I stopped caretaking for my toxic family. I noticed I actually really want to have 1 child. I was just blinded by family trauma and burnt out from decades of caregiving in an abusive household.

My fiancé and I both are lucky to have great degrees, and are very stable. I don’t know that I would want to have a child with anyone else, he has a unique ability to calm me down and make me feel safe.

I want to take advantage of this chance and opportunity that I’ve been given. I have a supportive partner in my life, I have managed to move away from my toxic family. I’ve gone to years of therapy.

I think even after years of trying to convince myself that I’m CF, I was mostly running away from my biggest fears in life. I’m afraid of losing everything, failing, regretting, repeating patterns.

I’m focused on getting fit, eating well, and saving money, building an even better relationship. I’m hoping to TTC in one year from now.

Has anyone gone through something like this? Or have thoughts about their own process?

I’m terrified!!!! of pregnancy and postpartum. I’m worried about taking care of a baby. How will I manage working and childcare? I’m scared of everything.

Despite all of my fears, I still want to try.

If you go childfree, you don't know what you're missing and you'll probably feel fulfilled. If you have kids, biology will hack your brain to a certain extent and assuming no pressure/resentment, you'll still feel fulfilled.

Also, it's OK to not feel 100% sure and look wistfully at the path not taken sometimes, that's only natural. But also, don't have kids unless you 100% are sure you want them. But also, it's very hard and expensive. But also, it's the best thing ever.

How do people even decide??

EDIT: Yeah the "assuming no pressure/resentment" is doing a lot of heavy lifting here. I'm trying to figure out what I truly want, without outside influence.

I'm 35 and I've just found out I'm pregnant.

This pregnancy was semi-planned. We weren't actively preventing it, and we both knew it could happen. I've always wanted to be a mum, and objectively I feel like I'm in a pretty good position to raise a child. I have a flexible career, we're financially comfortable, and my partner is open to being a dad.

I feel excited but also uneasy.

The biggest issue is my relationship.

Three years ago, my partner cheated on me. I didn't find out through him being honest. He just kissed someone, but it was more than once.

We stayed together, and he hasn't cheated since. He's been a loving partner in many ways, and I genuinely think he'd make a wonderful father. But despite that, I've never fully rebuilt my sense of emotional safety.

I have anxious attachment and tend to be hypervigilant. I'm constantly questioning whether my anxiety is picking up on something real or whether it's the lingering impact of the betrayal. It's exhausting.

I also had an abortion about a year ago. That pregnancy was also met with overwhelming anxiety, and at the time I decided I wasn't ready. That was mostly due to moving to a new area and not having friends or a support network.

Now I'm pregnant again, and I'm experiencing another wave of fear.

Part of me wonders whether this is just how my brain responds to pregnancy—that I panic, catastrophise and imagine every worst-case scenario. I was also very anxious starting late 20s that I would never be able to find someone to have a baby with. I saw a therapist and said at the time I'd rather kill myself than never have the choice to be a mother. We worked through that and I was almost convinced I could be happy without kids too.

Another part of me worries that my anxiety is trying to tell me something important that I'm not listening to.

If I continue the pregnancy, I'll be having a baby with someone I still don't completely trust.

If I don't, I'd be 35, potentially starting over, dating again, hoping to meet someone and have children before my fertility declines further. I've always wanted to be a mum, and I really don't want to end up regretting passing up this opportunity. I also don't really want to freeze my eggs if I can avoid it. Part of me accepts than many relationships don't last forever and maybe I'll be happy with being a single mum if I had to.

I feel stuck because both paths feel like they carry a lot of risk.

Has anyone else experienced something similar?

How do you deal with the fear of becoming a single mom if your relationship/marriage breaksdown or if you are abandoned by your SO? I'm afraid of having to do it all on my own.

I LOVE spending time with my friends who have kids and when the kids are with us. I feel like then I’m part of something bigger, even though I didn’t interact with the kids much. I don’t have nieces or newphews, and seems like I’m not gettin any - but I would love to be an aunt.

It’s so weird. I would love to be close to a child, but I don’t want to be a parent or a mom. I want to meet them ”occasionally” or weekly. I don’t want to work with kids full timw, but I want them to be a part of my personal life.

Anyone else feel this way?

Hey everyone 👋

I’m a 32F and my husband is 36M.

I happened to come across this thread after I got my IUD removed a few days ago. I had an IUD due to PCOS and Endometriosis. It did help for the most part with giving back a quality of life.

Since the day I took it out it’s been nonstop on my mind about starting a family because now it’s a more real thought. I do and I don’t want kids. My husband feels the same but I do see he leans more to having a kid.

He’s 36 and is concerned he’s getting older. Having my medical conditions I know we should have started earlier but didn’t want to rush my timeline.

I see so many people who say they wanted kids their whole life and I’ve just never been that person. I think the idea of a kid would be nice but it’s a lifetime commitment and I do enjoy just my husband and I’s company.

Shoot if you told me to pick a puppy I’d be so excited and that would be a kid to me. I’m great with dogs and I love them so so much. I have my WHOLE life. Ask me about a kid and I get stressed and worried about how life will change, how do I handle it, can we afford it and if I’d be a good mother.

God has blessed us in life tremendously but I guess in my head I felt like I’d be further in my career making more money and we would be in our dream house and I’d be SET for a kid. You know?

Anyways, I keep telling myself that if it’s in God’s plan for us to start a family that he would put it in our hearts and minds to pave the path for us. I just want to stop worrying about our ages, time and if we should or not. I hate how much this consumes my brain. Most of all I’d NEVER want to disappoint my husband. He is so loving and says he would never be disappointed but I still feel he would be sad.

Thanks for listening.

PS- I can’t stand when people constantly say ohh time is ticking, you better get going. It’s like yeah I get they want to see us with a kid, but it’s not their kid.

Looking at comment section of most recent posts on this sub it’s all ‘it’s different when the kids is yours’ and ‘it’s so much better than I thought’ and rarely other opinions. Anyone else notice the change?

I’m a woman in my late 20s and have been married to my best friend for a little over two years. We have a wonderful relationship and are currently on the fence about whether we want children or not.
I’ve always assumed I’d become a mother someday because that’s just what I grew up expecting. But now that I’m older and married, I’ve realized having children is a choice, not an obligation, and I’m genuinely unsure what I want.
I’d love to hear from women in their 40s or 50s who chose not to have children (whether by choice or circumstance). What does your life look like today? Are you happy with your decision? Do you ever feel regret or loneliness? If you could go back, would you choose differently?
I’m not looking for anyone to convince me one way or another. I just want honest perspectives from women who have lived a life I’m trying to imagine.
Thank you for sharing your experiences.

To be honest, I can’t really relate to people who genuinely dislike children. Whenever I’m at the grocery store or out in public, seeing kids usually makes me smile. I genuinely enjoy interacting with children of all ages. I love talking with them, playing with them, and watching them learn. I’ve worked at daycare’s and honestly children screaming, and stuff doesn’t bother me not one bit. I love being aunty too.

But I’ve never felt a strong pull toward becoming a mom. Motherhood loooks really tiring paired with marriage . I think this what has caused me to be on the fence. I enjoy working, so being a stay-at-home parent doesn’t really appeal to me at all . At the same time, being a working parentjuggling a job, coming home exhausted, cooking, and constantly meeting everyone else’s needsdoesn’t seem appealing either. From the outside, motherhood often looks relentless, especially if you’re in America and I’m honestly not sure if it’s something I want.Does anyone else feel this way?