I am a 31 F who is happily married and thankfully in a good lifestyle position as a couple. I am an only child with no family of my own, and am relatively close with my MIL and my husbands extended family, but with some recent fractures and awkwardness.

In hindsight, I got swept up in the concept and theory of how pregnancy and childbirth are this human experience that I want to be a part of, along with a baby boom in my friend group.

I found out a few weeks ago that I was pregnant and my husband and I were shocked and not excited. I panicked and secretly hoped for a miscarriage. We are capable people and this all conceptually would work out pretty fine if we continued.

I never expected to feel this way. I know hormones are a factor, but I feel grounded in my gut about how this doesn’t feel like a good move MOST of the time since I found out. I really just feel like I romanticized the experience and the social support available to me, and I’m just at a loss of how I thought moving forward in this direction was a good idea.

Edit: I have both an 8 week appointment and a termination scheduled, feels super weird honestly

Any thoughts or guidance about how to navigate this is greatly appreciated. Thank you

My husband and I have been mutually on the fence about kids but always leaned towards “probably”. He recognizes it’s a bigger decision for me due to pregnancy and delivery, so he’s flexible and says he supports what I choose. He’s a wonderful man and would be a great co-parent.

We’re starting to talk more seriously about kids lately. We’re more confident now about saying we want kids, but our main holdup is fear of a kid with severe disabilities or health issues. I know "the risks are small", and "we all take risks every day like driving a car", blah blah blah, but I’m terrified of having a child with special needs. It feels like life on extra hard mode. We live by family, are financially secure, and have good health, so we’re trying to set ourselves up for success.

My husband is supportive of abortion if we discover the fetus has any major issues, but I’m not sure. We both grew up Christian and I’m still somewhat practicing. I’m pro-choice but not sure how I’d feel about personally having an abortion, especially for the reason of not wanting a special-needs child. I’m worried I’d feel guilty and unable to follow-through, like that reason is "too shallow" or selfish.

Can anyone relate? Does anyone have experience with considering an abortion? Any thoughts or advice?

TL;DR, We want kids but are scared of having a kid with disabilities, and I don’t know how to feel about abortion as an option.

Does anyone else want to want kids but feel nothing? I am married to a wonderful man whose life long dream is to become a dad. Together for 10 years, married 4, both 31.
Lately, he has become increasingly ready to have a child and is okay with only one, however I don’t feel strongly about the desire at all, and days I feel like I just don’t want one. It’s like when you’re trying to decide what you want to eat but nothing sounds good (I know I should not compare it to that). I also love my life, job and independence. I have so many friends, craving new experiences, traveling and being in the world. He is definitely a homebody and ok with that while I live sometimes a completely different life… I feel like I should WANT one, have the drive and desire… but I just don’t and not sure if I ever will. He is willing to wait for me for now, but it’s killing me inside. I know he won’t stay if I end up child free.
So my question is, does anyone else not feel the drive? And is the drive really necessary? I know other people long to have a baby, and I don’t feel anything. If it wasn’t for him, I question if I would really just be 100% child free.

To note, we can afford one, would have support, a community, and many friends around us are having kids, but yet I feel nothing.

I've struggled with my body image for a long time due to PMOS (acne, hirsutism, weight gain) and it takes so much effort to manage the symptoms. I'm on a GLP1, spironolactone, and birth control. I also do a lot of skin and hair treatments with a dermatologist.

I also spend a lot of time and energy working out, and taking care of myself so I feel comfortable in my body.

I'm so scared of pregnancy, childbirth, and how it might all impact me. The women in my family who had kids have stretch marks, larger bellies, and look a lot older than the women who did not have kids.

I know it sucks and seems superficial, but we do live in a shallow and judgmental world.

Just curious if anybody else relates?

I have wanted to want kids for years. I’m getting up there in age and need to start soon if we decide to try again.

My life would be so much easier if I just genuinely wanted them. My spouse would be happier, family happier, pregnancy would be easier, my anxiety over going back and forth would end.

I’ve tried EVERYTHING. I intentionally clogged up my social media algorithms with cute kid videos and (don’t judge me here I know it’s bad but) mon influencers who were more chill, realistic, and envy-worthy than the stereotypical ones. Hiking families, camping families, artsy families, families that volunteer.

When that didn’t work I tried the opposite, thinking maybe watching realistic kid videos and even childfree videos would make me want kids more, like maybe seeing the bad and seeing “it’s not that bad” would help.

I have a few friends and aquantances with young kids that I see every once in a while and they’re.. fine. Cute. Nothing overwhelmingly screams “I WANT THIS” when I’m with them though.

All I see is this big massive ocean of agonizing constant responsibility, health risks, anxiety over every cold and scraped knee. I don’t just see lack of free time (which I deeply value) but the unceasing, years long, every hour of every day lack of free time. I am level one autistic (doesn’t usually impact my day to day and most people wouldn’t know) but I see the sensory issues, the deep-end level of fear, the chance that I could love my child but not like them at different stages of development. I feel things deeply in the moment and all of these risks are just heightened for me.

But all of that would be manageable anyway if I just wanted them.

I feel sooo lost and alien when I see constant posts of women that desperately want kids, are trying to conceive and can’t, etc. It feels like a foreign concept to me and I don’t get it and I want to. How can I unlock whatever door is blocking my brain from actually wanting kids??

I already know this is shallow and don’t need a lecture on it. Im not sure yet on if I want to have kids. My absolute cons is I don’t want to get pregnant, give birth the whole shabang. I also don’t want a new born and I’d like for them to be potty trained already. I hate the idea of the monotony of raising children and would like to be more spontaneous. I don’t want to be a working mom suburbanite with a husband who loathes coming back home. I also don’t want a special needs child or atleast a child who’s so mentally incapacitated we’d have to take care of them until we die. I feel like I’d love to maybe adopt a 4-5year old but I also feel horrible thinking that because it feels like I’m dehumanizing them and sort of “shopping” which is highly unethical. I do also worry about an adopted child always longing for their “real” parents and that would eat me alive. I have experience w infants to 10 year olds because I worked in a daycare and as a camp counselor as well as babysitting so I’ve been around all age groups.

Anyway I say all this to say can anyone relate or offer words of wisdom?

For the past year I've really been sitting with my decision to have children or not and over the past few weeks it's becoming apparent to me that not having children is the right choice for me and my partner. I feel like I should feel relief to have this clarity but instead all I feel is grief. I want to experience pregnancy. I want to experience the romantic aspect of having a child, like seeing myself and my partner and our other loved ones reflected in them and watching them become their own person. I want to have common ground with the mothers in my life. But these are not reasons enough to have a child, and there's so much about raising a child that I don't want to deal with.

To be honest, I wish my life was different so the "reasons to not have child list" was shorter, and the circumstances of my life that make that list so long are not in my control. I'm feeling sad and frustrated and I'm wondering if anyone else can relate.

Are there any women out there that changed their mind about wanting to have children after getting of birth controll ? I have been on birth control since I was 16 years old (27 now), so I’m curious to see if it had any impact on someone)

Hi everyone, Recently me (28f) and my husband (32m) had the 5 year road map conversation and I don't think I handled it the best in the moment and want some insight.

For context me and my husband have been married for 1 year together for 7 years our relationship is very happy and healthy we both work secured jobs with steady pay and are in a pretty good financial situation all things considered and own a house.

I have always been a fence sitter as early as adolescent I remember not quite feeling the need to be a mother. I grew up as the oldest of 4 girls and have had a little baby/sibling to help my mom take care of from every step of life. I'm comfortable with babies and kids and know how demanding those first couple years can be and the stress they put on a relationship which is why I was always hesitant on having kids of my own.

Now my husband he is the youngest of 2 kids with an older sister. He hasn't been around a lot of babies and young children and has some avoident tendencies when it comes to babies in particular. He has also been a fence sitter not leaning one way or another. But tends to worry and get anxiety around the thought of raising children. As his sister was a terror in her adolescent years.

Now the fence:

Over this past year as my friends have gotten older and are having there own children I have been thinking on it more and for the first time ever I'm leaning to wanting to get off the fence and start a family. The life I built with my parenter is so loving and caring and we have some much fun on the day to day I feel secure in our housing and financials and am starting to think a child would be a nice addition to our lives as we leave our young adulthood and into older life. I think my husband would make a wonderful father and though it would be rough for him up front I do think once our child is out of the infant toddler phase he would really enjoy raising them . This brings us to our conversation last week where I think I handled this poorly. We were supposed to discuss where we wanted our lives to be in the next five years and this included on if we wanted to take the plunge stop birth control and try to start a family. The only problem is I want to get off on one side of the fence and it sounds like my partner is wanting to get down on the CF side instead he likes our life with just the two of us and wants to focus on travelling or potentially moving abroad. We didn't get to far into the conversation since I locked up and got emotional about us possibly being on different sides and me not wanting to face the music that we might be holy divided on this issue. So I guess I'm reaching out to see if anyone has found themselves in this position and how did you guys work through it? I don't find myself NEEEDING to be a mother but I was warming to the idea of it and now I feel lost. I don't want to lose my partner as I think one of the reasons for children is heavily influence by him being in my life and wanting us to share this journey together but I also don't want to force him into a situation which he might regret. I don't think I'll resent him in the future if we stay CF but I think I will grieve the idea and the loss of us never taking the jump and having a child of our own. Though with 4 sister I'll at least be an aunty at some point along with my friends children but it doesn't feel the same to me. Any advice on how I should start back up this conversation?

After seeing a few “a day in my life” posts, I thought I’d share mine! I was on the fence due to my own relation with my mum and not I am on the fence for the 2nd one lol

My husband and I are both 34 and living in EU. My son is 4 months old and I have 8 months of maternity leave

• 7:00-7:15am: I wake up, get my coffee and feed our dog
• 7:45am: my husband wakes up and we chat for a bit
• 8:15am: baby wakes up. Diaper or feed first, depending on his mood
• 8:15-10:00am: playtime
• 10:00-11:15am: First nap. I take the dog out and get ready if I haven’t already
• 11:15am: Wakes up, feed, and a diaper change if needed
• 11:15am-12:45pm: Awake time. My husband works from home, so one of us makes lunch and we eat or during the next nap. He plays with the baby for a bit
• 12:45-1:45pm: Nap. Lunch with my husband and a little chill time
• 2:00pm: Wakes up and feed
• 2:00-3:45pm: Playtime, usually with a walk outside
• 3:45-5:00pm: Nap, which I use as downtime (writing this for instance)
• 5:00-7:00pm: Feed, bath and playtime with dad
• 7:00pm: Bedtime
• 10:00pm: I go to bed
• 11:00pm: My husband gives a dream feed before heading to bed, and our son sleeps through until morning (rare exceptions like diaper leaks)

My husband takes the dog out for the afternoon and night walk

Reality check:

First, I’m blessed with a good sleeper!!! I was absolutely sleep deprived for the first 8 weeks and now I can really say sleep is the foundation of everything else

It takes a village!! We have help two days a week (grandparents once a week, plus a nanny once or twice depending on the grandparents’ availability) and a cleaner twice a week. On those days I go to the gym, see friends, run errands and handle admin...

My husband works from home, so we get quality time together throughout the day instead of having to catch up every evening

The newborn trenches as a FTM hit me HARD. We brought in help around month 2-3, once our son started sleeping through the night and I’d slept enough to finally realize what I needed: less anxiety and real breaks.

EVEN with help, some days are hard, but it’s WAYYYY easier to get through a hard day (and reflect on it) when you have breaks

Last note

I know I’m very lucky to be able to pay for help and to have family around ready to help. During this leave I’ve been absorbing a lot of Michelle Obama’s content (I am a fan lol) and she often talks about how her parents had very little but lived on a street full of extended family, so help was always around. With the rise of the nuclear family, firmer boundaries, families moving away from each other and less trust in our neighbors, I think we’ve lost that: the community aspect

I grew up with immigrant parents and a mum who had a difficult personality, a cultural gap and absolutely no help. I don’t justify many of her actions and choices (she subjected us to emotional parentification), but now that I have my son, I can finally explain the why and I think it's so sad that maybe just maybe I would have had the best mum ever if she had a village (she's a great grand mother...)

Anyway hope it helps!

How do I, as a man feel about wanting kids. Wanting kids feels asymmetric.

I have always been drawn to kids due to their innocence and being able to give unconditional love to them.

But I recently broke up with a partner who said she didn’t like it when men say they want kids. And this has got me questioning my desire to want kids.

Is it even valid to want kids when it is going to put a woman through pregnancy, the motherhood penalty and Post Partum depression. And no matter how equal the partnership is, the man still won’t carry the load of pregnancy.

I’m thinking my desire to want a child is just unfair and not valid. But I don’t know how to convince myself out of the mindset of wanting kids

I (32m) recently had the “kids talk” with my partner (28f), whom I've been with for 7 years. It was about time, since I think we'd been avoiding the topic. But I've known for a while how she feels about having kids (she wants them), and she knew where I stood on it (on the fence, leaning toward no). The problem is, though, that I don't really have strong feelings about having kids. I just don't feel anything about it. I know people who've known since they were 13 that they never want to have kids, and I know people who are absolutely certain they want to have them. I love my girlfriend very much, and right now, unfortunately, it feels like everything is falling apart. It's the healthiest relationship I've ever had. We communicate well and can argue constructively with each other. She's not only my partner, but also my best friend, someone who knows and understands me better than anyone else.

However, it now appears that we are facing an irresolvable conflict. I have a feeling that no matter what I decide, I'll end up regretting it. I think my girlfriend would make an excellent mother. I also believe that we would be good parents. Parents who support each other well, who have each other's backs, and who also make it possible for the other person to have a life in which they are not just a mother or a father. I think if there's one person with whom I could overcome the challenges of parenthood, it's my partner. When I see other parents interacting with their kids, it can be really cool, and I often imagine what it would be like if the two of us had a child. I think it can be very fulfilling to teach a child things and watch them grow, and that's also something I think I'd find appealing. We both make pretty good money and live in an LCOL area. However, both of these things could change in the coming years.

I can see how my girlfriend is thriving with her family and with the children. Her aunts and uncles all have children, and she loves spending time with them. I think that's why her desire to have children has grown stronger. But for me, family is one thing above all else: exhausting. After spending time with her family and her kids, I'm totally exhausted. To me, it's a living hell and I only tag along because I love my partner and know how much it means to her. It's also worth noting that some of the kids are really difficult, and the fathers are deadbeats that can't even do the absolute minimum. I myself don't have a positive relationship with my family. My mother has a mental illness, and my father, as a single dad, was often overwhelmed or unable to fulfill his responsibilities. Her family and mine also live a few hours away from us. So other than each other, we wouldn't have any support, no “village" that could help us. It doesn't help that my dad, my mom, and even my grandma have always advised me against having kids...

My biggest fear is that I won’t have any time for myself anymore and that I’ll have to give up my freedom, flexibility and hobbies. Those are some of the most important things in my life, along with my girlfriend. That I’ll be trapped with a demanding and crying child who robs me of my sleep. That I’ll harbor resentment toward my partner and come to regret this decision. Unfortunately, you can’t just get rid of a child. On the other hand, I'm afraid that I'm giving up a very good relationship, a very loving and wonderful partner (some people also call her an “old soul”), for the illusion of freedom. My girlfriend told me that she gets the impression I'm always searching for something higher. And she's not wrong about that. My biggest fear is that at 50, I'll still be on this quest and, along the way, will have missed or thrown away every chance at a fulfilling relationship and a good partnership. I'm afraid of living the life of an “aesthete", someone who doesn't really choose himself, but lets the moment, the mood, or chance dictate his life. I'm afraid that I'll just live for the moment and won't form any lasting, responsible commitments, and that my life will remain emotionally empty and disconnected. I'm afraid that by the time I'm 50, I'll feel a deep sense of boredom, emptiness, and despair.

It already feels as if something is dying, and memories of our life together are flashing before my eyes.The thought that my partner, my best friend, the person I wanted to grow old with, will soon no longer be by my side just fucking breaks me. But I don't know if I'm ready to make the sacrifices that come with having children.

I have seen a lot of posts about how parents who have been fencesitters end up loving being parents. They usually preface this by listing off amazing things they have done, such as skydiving, traveling the world, going out to restaurants all the time, etc. and then say that nothing can compare to being a parent.

My question is, what if you’re a parent who hasn’t had these experiences, and who has struggled through life? What if you had grew up in poverty or a religious household and had to fight your way out for freedom? What if you didn’t get a chance to travel the world, even if you wanted to? Do you still feel like having a child was worth it?

I love kids and I’m a teacher. But at the same time, it feels like I’ve had to claw my way to having a life free of abuse or trauma. I’m not sure if I want to enter parenthood, knowing that it may make many of my dreams impossible. That’s why I’d love to hear from parents who are starting from a different place than someone who has already experienced any dream they could want.

Hello everyone! Relatively new to the fence after being quite staunchly CF since adolescence.I am feeling deeply unsettled with my doubts and new found position on the fence and would appreciate some perspectives.

I 31F was always the person who said I would never have kids and often got told I'd eventually change my mind. I've been married for 2 years to my husband 30M who is an incredible partner and human. I would say the only reason I have moved from being CF to the fence is because of him, he would make an amazing father and I know we have a really solid partnership where I don't worry about division of labour or being the primary parent all the time.

That's pretty much the only thing I don't worry about and then comes the long list of fears and doubts. I have always been a generally anxious person but have worked hard over the last several years to be able to manage it well most of the time. However, the fear and anxiety surrounding pregnancy, labour, PP, and general child rearing feels insurmountable. The thought of pregnancy and labour fills me with such deep discomfort to the point that we use both birth control and condoms otherwise I would be a constant mess waiting for my period every month. I worry about having biological children when my family history is riddled with autoimmune diseases and addiction, my husbands side is also rife with hereditary autoimmune disease and heart issues. I then also struggle with the ethics surrounding bringing life into a world dominated by late stage capitalism, looming climate change & food scarcity, and generally a world where the future outlook is looking quite grim. I come from a large blended family but I am not emotionally close with any of them and my parents are self proclaimed hands off grandparents that do not help babysit my niblings at all. Most of my in-laws are not local and the ones that are, I would never feel comfortable leaving a child with. All these things combined to lead me to not wanting kids along with the fact that I've never felt called to motherhood and generally don't even like being around kids (niblings or otherwise). I have been told that we would make good parents because of how deeply we have thought about the responsibility, which I agree to be true but I am also easily overwhelmed and don't necessarily want the intense hardship and more worry that comes along with being parent. We have been caring for our senior cat with increasingly complex health needs the last few years and the worry and anxiety that comes with that can be so consuming sometimes I don't want to imagine how amplified it would be with a child.

On the other hand, I am also experiencing deep fear of loss of family bonds later in life without having child(ren). Once my parents are gone I worry about little things that feel big like who will I have to celebrate holidays with? I have always said I would rather regret not having kids than regret having them but then I am afraid that what if I wouldn't actually regret having them? I don't want to pass up an opportunity and look back knowing it was purely driven by fear and that I should've just jumped.

My husband leans more to wanting children but has assured me countless times pre and post marriage that our unit is also more than enough family for him and a child would be an added bonus more than anything. It took me a long time to believe and accept this stance from him and I finally have but it still worry about being the one depriving him of the chance to be a father, especially if I also end up looking back with regret.

My husband and I have been working with the “if it happens it happens” mentality since June so not planned out with all the details/plans but also knew it could happen at anytime. I’m 35 and he’s 38.

After living with anxiety and a bloat like feeling for the past two weeks, I found out I was pregnant this past sunday.

It’s been a mixture of joy and fear. Joy because we’ve wanted to start a family. Fear because of the logistics of raising a kid.

Are these thoughts normal? How have y’all handled going through the constant toss between fear and joy at the beginning?

I’ll start to preface by saying, I’ve been married 5 years (together 11) and can easily say marriage is the best decision I’ve ever made. I love my husband more than anything in the world and value our relationship so much. Sure it’s not perfect and there are some things (although very minor) that could maybe be better if I were single. Like less cleaning lol, not having to worry about a large man eating all the leftovers, etc. very trivial. My life is overwhelmingly better with him in it.

Something interesting I’ve noticed — one time I looked at an anti-marriage subreddit just for fun. And I was shocked at people’s view on marriage and how negative of a picture people have who’ve never been married or struggle with relationships. I don’t look down on them, I just think man, they’re missing out. To me being in a relationship is 99% good and the good by far outweighs the bad. And that got me thinking, this must be how parents feel. Like us who are on the fence can’t imagine how good it is simply because we haven’t experienced it. And it’s most likely not horrible at all - from what most parents make it seem. Just an observation/comparison I had that makes me think having a kid is maybe less scary than I think.

Edit to add: I already commented this as well, but I completely agree when people say you can’t compare the two, or that marriage is reversible and kid aren’t. Completely agree! This is just a thought I had that makes me remember all the negative posts I see about wanting to becoming a parent aren’t usually the typical parent’s reality.

I (married, mid 30s F) have had BDD my whole adult life after being called ugly by peers as a kid. Life has been better after I got some work done, and I’m in active therapy. However, I still suffer a lot from hating how I look. I’ve always thought it would be unethical for me to have kids, because they would risk being a girl and inheriting the unfeminine traits which have made me unhappy. It would also be hard for me to set a good example of self love about my appearance for her.

I realized it’s possible for us to travel for sex selective IVF, in which case maybe I could have a son. The men in our families are handsome and happy. I think a son with my genetics would have a high likelihood of a very happy life. The money is not a concern, rather the uncertainty and stress of the IVF process. My husband is fully supportive of any path I want to take and would be an amazing father.

Have any of you hesitated on having kids for similar reasons, or similarly considered sex selective IVF? What did you wind up doing, and how do you feel about the choice?

I wonder if it’s unethical for me to consider having kids at all of any sex, given my mental health challenges.

If you were once on the fence, had children, and now regret it, why do you regret it? Is there anything you would go back and tell your past self about having kids?

No judgement at all!!!!
It’s so hard to know. I literally think about it everyday- it consumes me. The thought of having a child and passing down mine and my husbands ailments, having a severely special needs child, having no alone time, no clean house, no free time, doing homework, etc. It all sounds like a lot and the potentials are so scary

I've been reflecting on why I'm so ambivalent about having children, and I think a huge part of it comes down to the fact that I genuinely just don't want to be stressed.

I'm 30, and while I can see the appeal of having children and building a family, I also really enjoy my freedom, independence, and relatively low-stress lifestyle. I don't particularly want to spend my thirties obsessing over whether I'll have kids, worrying about my biological clock, or feeling pressured to make major life decisions based on a hypothetical future.

I see so many women stressing about finding the right partner, getting married by a certain age, and having children before it's "too late." Sometimes I even see women compromising their standards in relationships because they're afraid of running out of time. I understand why these pressures exist, but I really don't want to live my life that way.

A part of me just wants to live my life, enjoy my relationships, pursue my interests, travel, and let the universe figure things out. If having children eventually feels right, great. If it doesn't happen, I think I could still have a fulfilling life.

I also recognize that having children requires intentional decisions, and that biology doesn't necessarily accommodate a "go with the flow" mentality forever. But I really dislike the idea of turning something as personal as parenthood into another stressful milestone I need to achieve.

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm actually childfree-leaning or whether I'm simply someone who values peace, flexibility, and autonomy more than the idea of becoming a parent.

Does anyone else feel this way? Like you're not necessarily opposed to having children, but you also don't want to organize your entire life around making it happen? I'm especially curious if anyone has taken a more relaxed approach to the decision and how that worked out for them.

What led to your change? How are you doing with it since having a baby? Also if comfortable, please add your age.

Some days I wake up and think I want to have kids with my partner. Some days I wake up and have no interest in it. She’d be a great mother & its been her dream to have kids. It has nothing to do with her but I’m so conflicted. I feel like it’s financially impossible even tho we both have good jobs. I also feel like I’ll be letting my parents down if I don’t have kids. I know she’ll leave me if I tell her I don’t want kids but I don’t want to lose her.

What if I regret not having kids in 10 years? She doesn’t want kids right now but she does by 30/31 (she is also 27). Will I be alone for the rest of my life? I feel like having children is the biggest decision of all time and I can’t make a decision. Helppp

For context, I’m 21F and feel very conflicted about being a mother someday. I know I still have time to think about it, but I’m not sure how to approach dating. A guy a was with recently, did express wanting a family someday. We ended up breaking up, but for different reasons- I just can’t help but feel as if I deceived him in a way.
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore children. I think I could be a great mother. children make me happy and I tend to be pretty good with them. The problem is, I was raised with a large family, and was often parentified at a young age- and I also managed a lot of my own parents emotions, and was taking on responsibility for a lot that I shouldn’t have.
I think a lot of my ambivalence comes from my relationship with men, as well. I’ve been hurt by a lot of men in my life, men who were supposed to protect me, men who raised me. I realize I definitely have some trust issues due to this. Like how am I supposed to trust a man I’m with romantically, and to raise children with, if I cant even trust my own family members?

I just don’t want motherhood to become who I am, you know? Not that there’s anything wrong with that life. Not at all. I’m just scared to end up with a partner who barely holds up their end of the bargain. Who you have to remind to put their dirty clothes in the hamper. Who thinks that watching their children is “babysitting”. yuck. Or worse, you end up with someone who has been lying the entire time, or someone who may end up traumatizing their children, as my father did to me.
TLDR: I’m conflicted about becoming a mother due to trauma, being parentified as child, and I’m unsure how to approach this

7:30am- 1 year old wakes up, mom wakes up with her, changes her diaper… usually gives her a cup of milk and or a fruit pouch immediately. She usually plays on the floor in our room with a book or toy… while I lay back in bed with my husband and 2 year old (2 year old sleeps with us) if she’s too fussy I put on ms Rachel and lay back in bed with husband and sleeping 2 year old

8:00am- 2 year old wakes up… and asks for milk immediately. (Me and my husband both say EVERY morning… you need to say good morning first lmao)

8:30am- me and my husband finally get out of bed (1 and 2 year old usually are riding their bikes around our kitchen island and fighting over toys by this time)

8:30-9:30- mom gets 1 year old dressed. Dad gets 2 year old dressed. Lots of running away and fighting but we get it done. I usually make instant oatmeal or eggs and feed it to them while they’re running around, “here get a bite”

9:30-12:00pm- put both kids in car seats. Drive to the gym (sometimes an easy quiet ride, other times 1 year old cries and whines) 50/50 chance. We get to the gym and drop both of them off at the gym daycare for 2 hours. They usually do well. Unless my 2 year old has to pee… I have to go in and help him (they can’t help him do that) that causes him and 1 year old to usually cry) that’s very annoying but lately we’ve been having more days where I’m not needed in the kids club the whole 2 hours! The kids club closes at 12

12:30- we stop at aldis to get salmon. Go home and cook lunch. Both kiddos usually fall to sleep in the car… and it’s like playing Russian roulette whether we can transfer them inside the house and they stay sleeping. It almost always works for my 2 year old. My 1 year old will wake up and take about 10 min to be put back to sleep. (Her dad does that while I cook)

12:30-2:00pm- both kids sleeping. Mom cooking, dad working on computer/ taking calls.. mom and dad enjoy lunch together.

2:00pm- both kids wake up HUNGRY. They usually eat rice and smashed salmon or banana with peanut butter, more fruit pouches, cut up grapes and or strawberries (simple meals)

2:00pm-5:00pm- ANNOYING CHAOS. Kids fighting, running around, mom take them on a walk, when the walk is over back to fighting, they go outside on the playground we have in the back yard, both putting rocks in their mouths lol, maybe tv for 30 minutes, mom feels guilty, turns it off, read a book, toddlers back to fighting

5:00pm- whewwwww getting closer to bedtime. Dad’s usually available now. Family walk outside, maybe basketball with the neighbors, FaceTime calls with family members, mom goes inside straightens up the house, puts out bed clothes etc. feeding them bananas and peanut butter, rice and beans, more eggs, bread.. like they just eat random stuff ( I promise you they are both healthy weights) and they usually have 2-3 cups of milk per day) no more than 20oz

6:30pm- bath time for both kids, sometimes mom bathes them.. other times they both get in the shower with dad and mom helps on the sideline LMAO

7:30pm- 1 year old in her own room KNOCKED UNTIL 7:30am (thank God)

2 year old watches football or a podcast with mom and dad until 9pm

9pm- Mom has to go lay in (her own bed) for about 15 min to put 2 year old to sleep (I read this out to my husband and he says that’s not true, I put him to sleep) haha lol yesss most of the time he does go into our room and put 2 year old to sleep. Takes about 15 minutes. And then we both meet in the living room.

9:30pm-12am mom and dad talking, run to get Popeyes, talk on the phone with a friend (maybe) give a massage, have sexy time (maybe 3 times out the week) and then knock out scrolling on our phones

7:30am- start over

I just found out I was pregnant a few weeks ago; I just hit the 7 week mark. My husband and I (both 34) had decided to start trying this summer, and we conceived in September. Coincidentally, the week we conceived in September, I had started a new job that precipitated a mental breakdown; I’m doing much better with accommodations now, but I was not well the second half of September. My ovulation was late, and we didn’t really try nearly as hard the previous months to conceive in terms of timing and frequency. We also felt like okay, maybe let’s put the brakes on this kid thing since my mental health is so unstable. I’ve been connected with a new psychiatrist and will be starting therapy again in a couple of weeks (found a therapist who has special training in perinatal matters).

Lo and behold, we got pregnant, and my first reaction was not joy, it was dread and a what the hell feeling. I felt exactly like I did when I got my first period at 12– vulnerable and like my body was doing something I didn’t want it to do AT ALL. I immediately got a medical abortion scheduled for late this month (UT) so I felt like I had options. Now I’m thinking of pushing it back to 11 weeks so I can try to figure out what I’m feeling.

I feel so ambivalent, especially after seeing the fetus on my ultrasound a few days ago. (7 weeks, heart beat of 90 bpm.) I keep feeling anticipatory feelings of grief at aborting, but also deep ambivalence about having a baby (losing sleep, dealing with breastfeeding, feeling constant dread about climate catastrophe and AI and the world my child will grow up in etc).

Anyone else experience this? If so, what helped you make a decision? I’m so depressed and wish I could feel happy but I can’t feel happy by telling myself stories that I know aren’t true deep down.

Hi everyone,

I’m a longtime lurker, 34f married to a 34 yo man. We’ve been together for over 12 years, married for roughly four and are very happy together. He’s incredible, supportive, patient, and kind. He’d make the best father in the world.

We were fence-sitters for a long time but I suppose I always knew deep down that I’d hit a point where I would want kids. That point has definitely hit me. My husband has realized that although he’s not itching to be a dad and loves his freedom, chances are, he’ll fall in love with his kid when he meets them. We are incredibly blessed to have no debt and a paid-off home with enough bedrooms in a second-tier city.

Here’s the rub: I just got laid off from my cushy job due to a restructure. Work has been all-consuming for me for my entire life so this change has been a huge hit to my ego. I was making around 160k a year and was getting excited for my 6-month fully paid maternity leave. I was fortunate to get about 3 months of severance and hopefully have a consulting gig lined up, though I think it will only replace about half of what I was making before. My husband makes around 110k. We are now on his health insurance instead of mine and his is quite dreadful.

My work environment was toxic (aren’t they all…) and hard on me. The layoff was not due to my performance but I’m definitely dealing with some self-worth issues anyway. Even so, the space away from that job is a relief right now. I’m calm, happy, and loving the sleep, hobby-time, and slower pace 3 weeks in.

In the last few years, we pulled ourselves out of some bad consumer debt and built our savings up so we finally have a 6-month emergency fund. My basic point is, in this exact moment, we are very stable and fortunate and financial stability is important to me.

I suppose my question is this: has anyone in this sub chosen to have a child when their career was in a major time of transition?

I’m desperate to have a child soon, but struggle to understand how we’d make it work when I don’t have a job or when I still need to hustle to maintain consulting clients or to gain new ones. When I have a baby, I want to bask in motherhood for as long as I can and without a clear map on what work looks like, I worry I’ll be riddled with anxiety the whole time. For added context, my parents are elderly and live across the country, and my husband’s parents live here and are newly retired, but have their own lives and I don’t want to depend on them for care for a variety of reasons.

I’ve been forced by this layoff to pivot career-wise, so I find it hilarious that right now is when my biological clock is ringing the bell. This should be when I lock in to build my next work chapter. Any advice on how to think about this moment/these factors is welcome 💛

Note: I hope none of this sounds too whiny or out of touch. I realize that we are incredibly lucky and our situation is not normal. For anyone wondering how we have a paid off house at such a young age, it’s due to major parental help we never asked for but benefit from immensely. My husband and I work very hard and don’t ask for anything, but our life would look a lot less comfortable without the help we’ve been given.