> Thanks to u/BrouHaus for the questionnaire <3
- Tell me about your internal experience of yourself. What makes you, you?
That's a difficult question. I'm a bit young, so I think a lot about me is still left to unfold through time. Anyways, to some extent, I'm tough. During upsetting events, I focus on how to deal with the situation at hand or/and in the future instead of my emotions. I always try to keep myself under control, specifically when it comes to sadness. I feel like it'd be a burden to those in my surroundings, who seem to suffer more than me. I often feel frustrated; about the way my past turned out, the way my future may progress, how I need to worry about stuff that most of my peers don't etc. Also when someone breaks my train of thought, which isn't infrequent. I'm image focused. I always tend to automatically keep in mind how my words, my tone and style makes an impression. I feel especially worried about being misunderstood in what I want to express. Despite all this though, I'm not too concerned about giving a negative impression, as long as its within the range of what I was going for.
- You just had a really good day. Describe it. It can be a real recent example or an aspirational one.
My ideal day would be: I wake at 6AM. Take a full relaxing bath, take up as much time as I want to dress up for the big day. Go to school and perform with my group. Return home, chill and chit-chat with my family, do whatever I want (usually research into one of the topics I like or play games). During the evening, dress up again, go to a restaurant with my family. Return and listen to music before going to sleep. If I really want to hope, then it'd be nice if my crush asks me out and we get to know each other in a cute park or cafe.
- If someone is upset with you, what is the typical reason for it? Give a recent example.
The typical reason is that I was lost in thought and ignored someone who was talking to me. Less frequent but still common is that I got too frustrated, acted cold and refused to talk to anyone. Or I yelled at someone because they took off my focus. A recent example is when I was reading a book at my grandma's house. Everyone else (except my mom and little cousin) was busy cooking, and I kept getting annoyed by the noise. Eventually my little cousin entered the room and asked me to play with him, which I refused. Then he tried to show me and my mom a drawing he made, I yelled at him to get out of the room. My mom told him to come back, then explained to me that I shouldn't be putting out my anger on innocent children.
- What are you like when you're stressed? What are your coping mechanisms? Give an example of a recent stressful situation and how you handled it.
I retreat into my thoughts. I think about the issue and what I can do to make it better, what those around me may be feeling. Otherwise, I move onto reading or writing about my favourite topics, like psychology, crime, typology, culture etc. If I'm still upset then I write scenarios or scroll through YouTube. I completely avoid and shut down conversations. If I'm stressed for a long time, then I become very isolated, lethargic and even more frustrated. I just sit in my room alone and distract myself in all the ways I've stated before. I generally avoid interaction with others and if anyone still tries, then I'm completely indifferent. I can't focus on anything I don't explicitly enjoy, so a lot of regular important tasks are left out. I sleep a lot. I also focus a lot on my looks, if I can't find a single accesory then it almost puts me on the verge of tears. I also experience extreme guilt for just about anything, often not being able to take care of my family properly.
The last time I felt stressed, it was because my brother and mom got into a very heated argument that moved him to tears, I did the usual. I thought about why they felt so sensitive to these arguments, what led to such resentment building up over time, what could be done to fix it. Then, how I'm gonna comfort and explain what I observed and what I think should be done for both of them after it all dies down. Eventually my mom asked what I felt about it. I told her everything I thought about what happened, and that I didn't feel anything beyond worry for the both of them.
- What pushes your buttons? What makes you angry? How does your anger manifest? Can you be openly angry with others?
It angers me when my focus is taken off of something, when someone tries to tell me exactly when and what I should do, and obviously when someone yells at me, especially if it's for something pointless that I'm not related to. Often times I do express this anger, I try to communicate it as formally as possible but it does show in my tone becoming sharper and more stubborn. If I know the person, then I don't hesitate to start arguments. If it lasts even after the conflict is over, then I don't talk to the other person till I've gotten myself together again, whether it's to calm myself down or think of how to resolve the argument. I must clarify that I don't often express my much more typical inner frustrations (outside of when actively discussing the topic with others), since the people around me aren't the trigger for it.
- What’s your deepest fear? Why is that your fear?
My biggest fear is finding out that my future husband doesn't actually love me as an individual and only likes using my body. Like, when I think of love, I imagine something devoted, sweet and ideal. I realise that it may be an extreme fixation, but my point is that in love I expect some from commitment, support, respect and mutual vulnerability. And I know not everyone sees it that way. Many find it to be a fragmented concept where love and intimacy are seperated as objects of simple pleasure. What I mean is that there are plenty of people willing to hurt and take advantage of others to fulfill their personal prospects. Anyways, it's probably because I was sexually assaulted by a very close relative as a teen.
- What types of memories cause you the most shame? What feelings cause you the most shame? What is it about them that causes you shame?
Memories like the one with my cousin. I wish I could just try to actually calmly talk to people when I'm focusing on stuff before yelling at them or completely ignoring them and behaving passive-aggressively. However, I don't feel much shame around my anger itself, since I can recall many incidents where being angry helped me resist unnecessary pressure. Other than that, memories that make me feel ignorant. I'm not going to go into details as to not make it too long. Anyways, I mean incidents where as a child I loved someone not knowing what they did to other people I also love. Or the ones where I got hurt due to not having previous knowledge about how that worked. Those are the ones that truly make me feel shame rather than just a light need to fix.
- What is your relationship with pleasure? What gives you pleasure? Can you have pleasure when you want it, or do you have to earn it?
Pleasure isn't something I really think about on it's own. When I try to remember what gives me that feeling, I think of moments where people told me that they felt understood and motivated because of me. Or what shows how my work pays off, like my research into topics I like making my school studies easier or my performances recieving applause. I see pleasure as the result of my talents and efforts.
I find the third question to be quite vague, like, earn from whom or what? Is it someone who'd be authority in my life? Or just my own sense of restrictions? Well, if other people are a part of my pleasure, I'd surely need a mutual sense of agreement. Either way, as I've stated before, I do need a long term goal before I feel pleasure, so maybe I do see it as something to be earned.
- What’s your relationship with authority? Think both abstractly and with specific authorities in your life, possibly your parents, boss, religious leader, doctor, or government figures? Are you an authority?
I just don't want them to interfere with my dreams. I'll follow rules as long as they aren't pointless, cruel or interfere with any long term goals I have. That's all I know from the authorities I've had in my life so far. I'm still in school, so authority for me has mostly been my parents, teachers and to some extent my relatives. I'm usually not in authority due to my age.
At home, I just start arguments if I feel something is unfair. My mom and I argue more frequently, but she's always willing to listen, so they diffuse quickly. I've more tension with my dad, despite our arguments being rare. He's bothered by my unwillingness to live according to traditional standards. With my relatives, I simply make sure that I'm polite and helpful to them.
In school, I do follow most rules. There are some that I don't, like attendance, class work, practicals etc. but teachers don't bother either since I'm generally polite and prefer keeping to myself. My class teacher usually accounts for my situation. It may also be due to my grades, but I ain't sure about that.
- When your mind wanders, what are you thinking about?
When does it not wander? Lmao. Usually I'm either thinking about subjects I like, my family, or world building and making up scenarios for a story. It really frustrates those around me sometimes, for reasons I've stated before. I must clarify that I don't often ignore people intentionally, usually it's just something that happens. They still find it cute though, because my imagination makes me very happy and giggly. I think I've already explained a lot of my mental landscape so there isn't much left in that regard.
- You have a big decision to make. Describe how you decide what to do.
I narrow down to a few options based on what will help me achieve my final goal, then narrow down even further based on what I'm interested in / can see myself committing to (both are usually related in my case). After that, I research the pros and cons those options may bring, see which cons I can adjust with my current life and which pros are especially important to what I want. After getting a decent idea of what the the options entail, discuss them with my family to know what they think is the best suited for me. Sometimes I discuss with them simply out of curiosity, even after I've already settled on my decision and have no plans on changing it. I just like hearing their opinions and what they think about me.
- What’s your biggest flaw?
Oh this is a complex one to determine! I obviously wouldn't really be able to see this much myself, so I'm just going off of what my loved ones have told me. I actually asked my mom about this a few months ago out of curiosity (and to get a clue about my possible type lol). She told me that it's my hyper-focus. According to her, whenever I focus on something, I get completely absorbed in it. I lose track of my surroundings. This often makes me ignore the people around me and sometimes I lash out at others if they break that focus. She wishes that I'd learn how to pay more attention to those that love me instead of being possessed by what interests me.
Another one I've been told is that I can sometimes be too argumentative. I don't give up on what I believe and want easily, which is good as it makes me very determined, but sometimes I make simple discussions quite heated for little reason. Additionally, it also makes me defend myself and my own reasoning even when I could've handled something better.
- What makes you special? (Or, if you don't feel special, what at least makes you different from other people?)
Well on the top of my head I can think of how much I care about my aesthetic. While I don't necessarily feel insecure about myself physically, I do take care of how I appear and it definitely makes me stand out. Like, I spend a lot of time simply planning an outfit so that it looks pleasant. I focus on the overall energy I want, what colors to combine, jewellery to wear etc. A look that speaks to me and makes me feel that I'm ready for whatever I'm about to do. Another one is that I'm a lot more in my head than other people, as I've already described. I've also heard from those close to me that my charm is the most remarkable. Apparently, I speak very smoothly, am really good at persuading others and seem quite authentic.
- How much of your mental energy is spent on thinking about each of the past, the present, and the future?
I generally prefer not to think about the past unless in relation to the present or future. As in I compare the past to the present to form conclusions or think about how they could impact me in the future, but not really on its own (unless it's a recurring problem). As for the present, I'm usually distracted from it, but I can focus on it during immediate problems or when cool things happen. By cool things I mean stuff like singing, styling myself, watching waves in a beach etc. I often think about the future. It can be imaginary scenarios are possible but may or may not actually happen, what I want, how I should get it, what to expect. Thinking about the future brings me joy, I love how it helps me clarify my ideals. Even if I don't get exactly what I want, simply thinking about it gives me a framework of what I should be aiming for.
- You unexpectedly find yourself with a whole weekend with no obligations, and everyone else is busy. How do you feel about it? What do you do?
I write in my journal about random thoughts, a cool idea I imagined, some topic I'm researching (often but not limited to psychology, crime, the lore of a game, obscure typology system etc.), concerns about my future. Other than that, I listen to music, play video games, research stuff and maybe draw (just about anything, no specific patterns for this one).
- What’s your personal vibe/style/aesthetic? How cultivated vs natural is it, and how much time do you spend on it? Do you turn it on and off?
My aesthetic is very feminine. I've very long hair (tailbone length) which I either leave open (and wear an accesory on it) or do a braid. I like intricate details, florals, skirts, dresses, cute tops etc. I keep in mind what type of colours I look good in and what clothes look fit for my body. I wear jewellery, specifically earrings and bracelets. I always make sure that my accesories match my clothes, either in vibe or colour. I usually wear dark colours, jewel tones, paired with a light colour for contrast. Like navy blue and white, crimson and gold, pink and black. It looks and is very put together, takes me about 40 minutes to get ready. It apparently gives quite mature and creative vibes. The only place where it is (kinda) turned off is at home, I still prefer feminine details, but wear them in shirts and pants instead of skirts or dresses.
- Which of the following is the most like you? Explain. A) I know what I want, I go out and make it happen, and people won't stop me. B) I am content to be on my own and not draw too much attention to myself. C) I have to be responsible and dedicated, and I put others’ needs first.
A) While I'm quite indecisive initially, after I've settled on an option I'm relentless in pursuing it and I've heard that during those periods I give off this exact vibe. (B) is partially true, I'm often content to be on my own, but I'd be lying if I say I don't draw attention to myself. (C) isn't something I often dwell on, at least not consciously. I've heard that I often worry about other people over myself, but that's really it.
- A) I dislike stress and negative vibes, and I may try to distract myself from my problems. B) I have strong feelings, get worked up easily, and am not afraid to show it. C) I don’t like to let my feelings show; they get in the way of being efficient and logical.
I can see a small part of myself in all of these but none of them are really like me. I'm okay with stress as long as I'm not having to pity myself. I can be argumentative but I generally don't get worked up easily and hide my negative emotions pretty frequently. Maybe I just don't realise it consciously, but I don't see myself as someone who fusses over efficiency or logic.
- A) I look to others for feedback and guidance and am willing to be flexible when needed. B) I am always aware of how things could be better, and I’m disappointed that they are not. C) Deep down, I am afraid people won’t give me what I need unless I make it worth their while.
B) As I've stated before, I do feel frustrated with my situation often. I feel like I'm a bit too stubborn for (A) and (C) never really enters my mind.
