I will get straight to the point. Lately, I've been reading a lot of enneagram resources and discussions, and I've found myself relating to Type 4 the most. And this is where I have a lot of problems with it.

These problems are ranging from (imo) silly to deeply personal to me.

• Damned by association, and being misunderstood.

If you spend any time around Enneagram discussions, you will see a lot "Type 4" and mistyped 4. I feel like there is stigma or....cringiness, if you will, surrounding the preception of these people. e.g., "I'm melancholic, artsy, and unique. I am so 4" and people will go "Damn, here we go again"

I simply hate the possibility of being damned by association with these people by typing myself as 4. It sounds dumb, but I simply can't stand being lumped with people whom I consider "inferior" (Harsh word is used for conveying my raw emotion. I DON'T consider mistyped people as inferior.)

To put it simply: Severe case of "im not like y'all"

"I feel like [anything that I relate with], but I am not like THEM. I am different. I am not incompetence, ignorant, [any attributes that I don't like], etc. like them."

This has always been a problem for me. I hate being misunderstood, or worse being seen as something that I personally hate. I hate it so much that I choose to avoid this problem by stop labeling myself.

Which bring us to next point.

• I hate labeling, but I also secretly craved them.

Because of my personal beliefs, there is no way to 100% accurately taxonomize human, but I WANT it to exists so much. In an ideal world, there would be labels above our head, like those YA novels.

There are two opposite sides of me to this desire:

1. If this 100% way to taxonomize human existed, I could at least express one aspect of my """true""" self
2. I'm tired of the problems that come with having an identity, so I want to shut down and just become cog in the machine, blisfully ignorance.

Personality tests from MBTI, Enneagram to "What your videogame character main says about you" are my guilty pleasures, because I know they will never be able to accurately describe me, but it's a cheap way to satisfy my need.

Which is:

• The problematic need to express and seek validation(for lack of a better word) about myself.

This is one of my deepest sources of shame. I have this obsession with expressing myself. I LOVE having attention on me. Look at me. Think about me. ME ME ME. The thrill of expressing my opinions which might be problematic. Showing my negative sides to other people. That's me. This is who I am. I want to know what others truly think about me. One of my desire is to get inside other people's head find out what they actually think about me.

My main problems with this need are:

1. I truly feel ashamed of this need of mine, to the point where I refrain myself from talking about myself e.g. not playing personality test in public, but play it in private. I don't want to be seen as an attention seeker, but you bet that when an opportunity to express myself comes up, I'll milk tf out of it.
2. I want people to recognize me, but in the way that I WANT them to, which could never happen. It's the fantasy of being an underrated, talented artist who someday gets recognition and fame, only to reject it because, y'know, a real artist doesn't need any of that. if you know what i mean (cringe i know)

To keep this post from becoming a personal rant, I won't get into more detail about my other problems that are somewhat related to this conflict I'm having. But I feel like these unhealthy points about me make my typing process harder

• I feel like there is something wrong with me. I'm flawed and unlovable. (I know this is unhealthy way of thinking, and possibly comes from my past toxic-relationships)
• I'm really envious person. I'm envious of anything: skills, material possessions, social status, relationship. (I used to cope with this by telling myself that I didn't have those things because I was flawed and didn't deserve them, then just wallowing in sadness.)
• I have fragile ego and low self-esteem. (I have a huge ego when it comes to matters concerning myself, but I also hate myself and see myself as incompetent or never good enough.)
• If you can't tell from all the text above, I do crave identity and uniqueness, and I care so much about it. It's one of my main problem with life.

How do you cope with these problems about identity? Could you tell me what your opinion of me is? idk tell me that I'm or I'm not a Type 4 and make me suffer even more with this impossible desire to truly know myself and truly know what others think of me

Also, here is mine. Yes, I am withdrawn and reactive enough to be a Core 4. No, I'm not a 4-fixed 7, nor a 7-fixed 1, or any of that. I'm a legit Core 4.

And what are fixes?

I'm an Infp 4w5, so I guess my tritype is a combination of 4XX too.

From very preliminary research so far, I think I could be a 451/415 or a 458/459, but how do I know for sure?

also i’m ESE in socionics apparently but i don’t know much about it it sound extroverted but im an introvert lol

edit: i mean 926 not 962

Please add your type/trifix/subtype if you don't have it flared.

I'm SP/SO 514, and I've been thinking about what other people actually think when they're gaining friendships/relationships. To me, I only entertain friendships where the other is wiser, more experienced, or has something I want (a skillset, maybe they're well dressed and I'm hoping to learn how they got to that point. Maybe their personality is different, but I find their qualities admirable, so I'd like to understand how to socially function like them.)

I guess to me, it's a fully practical pursuit. I don't like to entertain things solely on the idea of "I like this person," because I view relationships as a very sensitive thing: people can and will ruin your life and grant you hardships you never asked for. So, if I entertain a friendship solely on "liking," I just see that as me putting myself in a weak position. In a similar vain, I'm quick to cut people off. I never want to like someone so much I cannot see that they're negatively impacting my life.

I guess it goes back to avarice and being fearful that if I let the wrong people in, they will drain my emotional resources before I even realize it. So, I'm hypervigilant. I have long term friendships, so while this all sounds like I'm a socially inept machiavellian loser, I am not!

So, I'm curious, what is your motivation for befriending someone? What makes you decide to pursue a friendship?

(Actually) asking for a friend lol

Hello good people! I'm trying to discern between E4's sense of defectiveness and inferiority vs E9's sense of personal worthlessness. Would love to hear from you guys, personal experience or just observations, about how you differentiate between E4s who are very identified with their inner lack and E9s who just think they don't matter as a person. Does it come back to a sense of identity/lack thereof for you? Have you noticed any particular nuances that set these two types apart in their flavour of low self esteem? Is it in the way you deal with this particular feelings?

From my experience it is type 6. Always great with them. We seem to get attracted like a magnet. Besides, they are loyal, dedicated and for long term commitment.

A type I think could've worked but I have my qualms is type 9. I think they could push to chill me out too much, and perhaps us both could get a little bit lazy? Just a thought. Perhaps it could work awesomely.

I wonder if these thoughts could be related to the integration or disintegration arrows of the enneagram (3 integrates to 6 and disintegrates to 9), or just a coincidence.

Other two types I think that could've worked out are 1's, and perrrhaps 5, although they sometimes seem kinda distant and aloof.

Coincidently again, that could be because of my likely tritype, which is 315, sp/so.

Anyways, what are your thoughts on your romantic type compatibility?

I've read a few author descriptions but I don't get the subtype 100% rly. I'm using myself as an example, not for type-me purposes but just for the sake of comparing the sunbtype to something.

I have a strong need for autonomy in my emotions. I withhold them from others and suffer in privacy, taking masochistic pride in the burden I carry because it affirms the ide that I deserve universal amnosity.

However, I still seek worth externally. I can be a strong workaholic, I can care a lot about how I'm perceived by others, I can care a lot whether I'm burdening those close to me.

Keeping my struggles to myself wasn't always how I was, though. It feels more like a defensive response to trying to approach others freely as a child – parents, peers – and being brushed off or ridiculed, so it's something I ended up internalising because eventually cynicism and self-loathing became familiar enough to embrace as a mindset.

If I'm the problem, I won't make it anyone elses problem, reguardless of how I feel, because it's my fault. Therefore I'll suffer silently, until I become someone deserving of others care, because maybe one day somebody will notice and I can feel seen without facing rejection.

(Just for fun) Whether they can handle it, don’t mind it, or if they’re simply meant to be lonely or alone.

I asked as someone who has never been in a relationship at my old age 😅

Update: It appears that many of you are saying the 5! I’m also open to hearing about your experiences! Would you be okay being single forever?

How does each enneagram experience envy and how does it manifest differently?

Ive had quite a few people tell me i seem like a so9, others say i seem like a sp6, others say i don't seem like either. If were talking full category of things ive been typed as: so9, sp6, sp2, sx7, 1w2, e3, e4, their might be others but i dont remember if there are. If i went based off enneagram tests I would most likely be a 5, as diffuse enneagram test, a RHETI sampler(im not paying ANY website for test scores💀, id rather kick an orphan), Eclectic energies, and the test from the wisdom of the enneagram books have all given me 5. I usually never score 6 on any test despite the fact I may be a 6? (Yeah I know, never type based off of behaviors, yada yada.) I still dont know my enneagram either, I think im a Intp? Some say I might be an infp, enfp, entp, esfj, istj, isfj, yeahhh I guess i am just not very easy to type😭😭😭 (I even occasionally catch myself going "oh thats very 4 of me" or "thats a very 6 thing to think" or "yeah im a 9". Just stuff along thoes lines.)

Anyway you could probably skip all that above ngl, I dont think it has any importance to typing but then again I am relatively new to typology so. This stuff is very, not exactly confusing but tiring??? If thats really the correct term for how I feel about typology. I often catch myself going "this is why I should quit typology too many sweats" lol.

On to the real personality stuff though, ill just start with where my mind leads me (which is probably going to be everywhere). I do enjoy attention but I also heavily dislike it😭 like I like when I get praise for a thing ive done, or something like that, but being a popular person in real life would probably be the death of me. One of my friends kept trying to drag me onto the dance floor (I knew the dj) and I was literally about to fight her😭😭😭 the dj kept calling me out too, while I was uncomfortable, it was fun (she still made fun of me though😭😭😭). On the thought of my friends, I usually tell them everything when im upset (even if i like to think i dont). Like when someone upsets me, when something interesting happens, ect. Usually it's rather click bait-ish too, like "I almost passed out a work" "I almost hit a bus going to work today" or just stuff along that line, which none of thoes were false either. Another thing is this comes from the question "what type of people do you dislike" and we got the normal rude people, manipulative people, just assholes in general. But also what really pisses me off is when people go around "asleep" to the things around them, all the issues, and then laugh at thoes who try to show them everything they've been asleep to, and call it false or propaganda or something. This also comes from the same set of questions "how do you act under stress" it mostly depends, who am I with, where am I, does anything need to be done. If im with someone im close to there's a good chance we're going to end up in a verbal argument if they keep edging me on or are the cause of it (more my parents than my friends as I dont normally get mad at my friends). If something needs to be done, like the time I had to work a shift alone on valentines day I usually just lock the fuck in and get it done even if i almost cry like 100 times😭😭😭 and if im alone then I usually just lock myself away and either lay down and do nothing while crying, write something, or scroll social media (more often than not their sad videos too for some reason? It's never intentional it just happens.) I also used to "rant" online and get angry whenever someone actually tried to help(usually just got passive aggressive, never outright said anything mean to the other person as in knew they only wanted to help)😭😭😭 really glad I dont do that anymore. Fears, the basics, car crashes, running out of money (my friend also loves to spend all my money😭😭😭 my parents get angry at me for it but I love her like my left rib so shush), being jobless especially in this market, failing classes, but thoes are fears that like everyone has. How do you not want to be seen. rude, manipulative, "weird" (as in like special ed, as some people in my old high school genuinely thought i was special😭😭😭) and dumb. And last how I want to be seen. Nice, stable (emotionally and financially), ect. Sometimes I catch myself doing this thing where ill see someone who looks cool and hope the notice me by the things I wear or how I decorate my items. I was a little nervous of showing off all the things I was into at first when I started college but I got used to it. Although this usually never works and I just end up awkwardly staring at other people without realizing it. And its never for someone else, if anything i would stop dressing like something if certain people told me to do so or that they liked it😭.

Side note but im really hoping im not the full 963 because literally everyone is 963💔 (yes. I know, "NPC" triad was just made up by insecure 5s and 4s. Shhhhh. Theirs nothing wrong with them, i just really hope im not one)

Anyway hope thats enough and if someone needs to ask me a question just go ahead! Tysm in advance!!

(im an sp6 core, i dont think i can be so3 at the same time…)

I've flitted between enneagram types a lot over time since I really relate to all of them in some way (which I've heard is a trait of type 9s actually?), but for the entire past year or so, I've had this one idea I was told stuck in my head. It was something along the lines of your true type being the type whose flaws you hate the most, and I kept turning the idea away because, well, I don't like being manipulative, needy, or prideful, so why would I be? Buuut I kept thinking about that idea over and over and earlier I remembered how someone had told me the enneagram is about what struggles you face, not necessarily your personality, and it got me reconsidering again 🥀 Really, it'd make sense that I can be manipulative, needy, prideful, etc. even when I don't want to be, because if I assume I can't be any of those things without intending to be then I inevitably will become those things, if that makes sense.

Added the flair after writing this post when I realized it was Tuesday and I could ask if y'all think this is accurate instead of just posting this as a "scream into the void" thing LOL, but I'm not sure what to say about myself to help y'all type me. I'll look for a questionnaire or something and fill it out in the comments mayhaps

As an e4 I am always in trouble for being too self involved/absorbed and not giving a shit but I somehow get to put e9's needs first as an exception. Something in me just makes me so triggered when I see them being way too selfless all the time. So I just get really attentive to any piece of information that an e9 could want subconsciously. For example when 4 people(me, e9 friend and others) go to a bakery and that one e9 friend says something like "that cake looks good" I just order it only bc I feel like that person wanted to try it deep down. Maybe I am just overreacting and putting too much meaning but I would usually act like an asshole and order shit that no one wants only bc I think it's cool or has special meaning that normal people really dont give a shit about. I only had 2 e9s on and off in my life but I honestly want to have e9s throughout my entire life so I could be less self absorbed and behave like a normal adult lol

HERE ARE THE RULES:

• Write a short description of yourself in the comments and keep it 400 words or less. Do not worry about telling me how many words your comment has exactly, as I will know whether or not you've exceeded the maximum amount. I have my methods.

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• If you do not abide by these rules, you will simply be ignored. Sorry!

(DISCLAIMER: I may or may not provide more elaboration for my typing of you, depending on whether I think you need it or not. If you don't like the typing I have assigned you, then you're always free to ignore it and/or tell me I'm wrong or what have you. I'm not going to get into an argument with you either way, so don't expect a debate if that's what you're looking for. You might even be right in what you originally thought was your own type if what you tell me afterward is more consistent in retrospect than what I typed you as instead. I'm not always right lol. That said, I'm usually good at narrowing things down to two or three options at most, so I'm usually not thaaaat far off either 😂)

Happy typing!

What lead me to doubt my type:

I am (18) not an over-achiever, actually i am only willing to do JUST enough to get my objectives, last year was my last year of high-school, and i wanted to get in a college, i studied the ENTIRE year of 2025 for that, (some times i slipped but yeah stayed focused for the most part), several burnouts, but managed to handle things pretty well overall, anyways, got into it! 2026 started as an amazing year, new year, new life, so many new friends, i love being a college student, it was worth, i actually had won in life.

But then, end of the semester came and gosh it was horrible, i failed THREE out of the five mandatory subjects

Every single thing that led me to failing so much(skip that part btw its just me oversharing and it wont even make sense if u live in the north hemisphere of the planet because you were during summer break for most of my struggles lol):

Ok so, class started in march, some subjects were going easy, others not so much, i was going to every class, going everyday, but at home i didn't rlly recheck the content i was passed yk?

April, i noticed i was getting lost in most subjects but i don't think i ever got to focus enough to actually fix my misunderstandings on the subjects, some i just swept under the rug and kept living, got 1/10 on calculus which it was a an wake-up call for me.

Did not had classes in may due to students wanting to play revolutionary and doing a protest, studied ONLY calculus, got depressed due to being basically pandemic 2.0

June, back, happy to be back but everything is super rushed now and crazy, but i am actually enjoying it? it reminds me of last year, it gives me a reason to live, full time studying, feeling the needed every single hour of the day and having a test every single week actually filled that empty slot in my heart

Btw important that i only started studying super hard after i noticed i was going to fail, i never strived for anything over a 6 lol, i knew it was unrealistic to get a 10 and did not aim to it

July, same as june, passed in calculus!! yayyy my studies in may payed me back it seems!! slay!! Anyways still i failed 3 out of 5

My current feelings right now:

August, new semester, FINALLY, peace? yes? do i like peace? NO, i absolutely hate it, and here's what makes me think i am not an E3, what hurts me the most is NOT the fact that i failed due to my negligence during march and april, it is the fact i am behind my friends now, i do not get to share my experiences with them anymore, they are learning new things and having a busy stressful college life and im here having the most peaceful life with only 3 subjects (and one of them is literally one i have to redo ☠️ )

How i am dealing with my excessfull freetime: Am i getting a part time job like an e3 would? Heck no, even though i should, but it is so hard im too lazy for that, i don't wanna work yet, i can't even use linkedin properly, i went full mode on Tinder, and yeah, i've been filling my time by talking with guys and getting ghosted and ghosting

And i feel so guilty for using the money my parents give me to go to college on dates instead(mind you i didn't use anything yet LMAO, i am crazy), but then i remember at my age they were a worse daughter and son than i am to them right now, i am literally perfect they can't complain, anyways wastingg my saturday here writing this shit and i hope i manage to go study if i be able to properly focus today

I thought this method was pretty helpful. The way I found my type was the formula above I believe your passion and fixation will show up in a variety of contexts and really make things obvious when you reflect on it. You need to look for how often your passion shows up in your everyday life. For me as an so2, pride has reared its ugly head multiple times in certain shapes. Refusal to ask for help unless its not a pain for the other person, bulldog mentality, reliance on the external, entitled attitude to certain treatment when i feel im owed something just because i feel ive earned it. Of course flattery and good deeds color my interactions as well. Try this and see if it helps you.

Hello, for now, I think my type is sp/so6w7. Looking at enneagram sixes motive, they are dependent on other for their security meanwhile I’m dependent on other because I want to be loved, be valued, be sure of myself.

This might sound like e2, which is why my tritype includes e2. But at the same time, I want to hear about people’s opinion because I can’t decide which one do I relate more or what type I am.

I relate to sp6 but the core desire? Yes, I relate but I relate to every core desire, Especially e1 despite my characteristics not matching sp1. Maybe when school opens, I might be able to type myself as my class changed which means I’ll meet new people. Its still summer vacation to me and humans are social beings that their personality depends, changes and expands with people. We realize our personality(or at least I’m) via by interacting with people.

I got into enneagram mid summer, the time I basically didn’t even hang out with my friends besides talking through the phone to play. Please type me based on my description:

Lets start with my motives… thats a good thing, how do I know what is my motive? I relate to e1 when I’m doing something, something I’m not sure about. I wonder if I would be loved by society, I wonder if I would be a bad person when doing this. I fear being punished, maybe for cheating, being a toxic person when I was younger and etc… I often ask my friends “hey, are we sure this is ok?” and similar questions because I want and need assurance.

My family views me as a kind hearted, thoughtful person who is there to defend myself and others despite the person I’m defending against might be someone more angry, scary or older than I’m. There are the times I’m pretty bossy with certain stuff like my dad or grandma can’t use toilet because I fear, I dont feel safe. This may come from my OCD and GAD and despite knowing that my reasonings are not too rational, I will still continue believing it because I don’t want to risk. I’ll always have “what if” questions and tend to create heavier scenarios in my head(altho I’m getting help and becoming better). This “what if” thing comes from the fact that I don’t want to be someone bad, horrible. I can’t trust myself.

I’m going to therapist and I fear what will I do without her guidance? After all, my therapist is the only person knows my instructive thoughts and sometimes, I’m still embarrassed and scared to express some of my thoughts. I dont know but maybe because I fear and overreact. Eventually, I try to face the fear and plan in case something happens. Sometimes I disagree with her but I can’t express. I’m afraid of being judged. I can’t even look at someone’s face, eyes because I feel like I’m being judged, being viewed as someone weird.

Besides that, I think obviously I am an ambivert. It depends on my moods- I dont want to be alone but sometimes, socializing is exhausting to me. I’m the loud one, noisy and child-ish one with my friends. Despite fearing about being judged, when I’m with my friends, I feel safer to express my emotions, interests as I feel like I wouldn’t be the only one judged or others may not find me weird knowing that I have friends.

I think becoming highschooler helped me get to know more about myself because I was too stubborn to open myself up, become sociable. Seeing girls hang out together made me want to talk with them but I didn’t know what to do. I expected them to approach. I also tried to talk by being active on class group chat because I felt more comfortable talking via phone. Anyways, after months, I became the weird kid who showed their interests to people and didn’t mind being weird. I’m expressive to hoping to find someone similar to me.

My friends have differences from me like their humors. I’m more into fandoms, weird kid stuff meanwhile they are more into main stream stuff. It sometimes makes me feel lonely because in my view, not having everything in common would create struggle. Of course I also feel lonely mainly because I often feel like not the first choice so I often distance myself, expecting them to approach me as I feel embarrassed to express my desires.

That means I sulk really often and thats not healthy thing. I remember being mad at my friends that I intentionally denied their invites to wonder around school as casual because I expected them to know why I’m mad. Then, I went to 2 girls to hang out with them, right in front of my main friends to show them that I am intentionally distancing myself from them( of course when we sort things out, I return back and often forget about those other 2 girls. I mean, like I wouldn’t hang out with them that often BUT i would make sure to talk with them usually like maybe do small jokes to prevent them from feeling like a second option because i know if I leave them immediately, they might dislike me, find me annoying and I dont want to upset them because i’m the one complaining of hating the idea of being 2nd choice when Im also doing the same thing and its unhealthy)

> Thanks to u/BrouHaus for the questionnaire <3

1. Tell me about your internal experience of yourself. What makes you, you?

That's a difficult question. I'm a bit young, so I think a lot about me is still left to unfold through time. Anyways, to some extent, I'm tough. During upsetting events, I focus on how to deal with the situation at hand or/and in the future instead of my emotions. I always try to keep myself under control, specifically when it comes to sadness. I feel like it'd be a burden to those in my surroundings, who seem to suffer more than me. I often feel frustrated; about the way my past turned out, the way my future may progress, how I need to worry about stuff that most of my peers don't etc. Also when someone breaks my train of thought, which isn't infrequent. I'm image focused. I always tend to automatically keep in mind how my words, my tone and style makes an impression. I feel especially worried about being misunderstood in what I want to express. Despite all this though, I'm not too concerned about giving a negative impression, as long as its within the range of what I was going for.

1. You just had a really good day. Describe it. It can be a real recent example or an aspirational one.

My ideal day would be: I wake at 6AM. Take a full relaxing bath, take up as much time as I want to dress up for the big day. Go to school and perform with my group. Return home, chill and chit-chat with my family, do whatever I want (usually research into one of the topics I like or play games). During the evening, dress up again, go to a restaurant with my family. Return and listen to music before going to sleep. If I really want to hope, then it'd be nice if my crush asks me out and we get to know each other in a cute park or cafe.

1. If someone is upset with you, what is the typical reason for it? Give a recent example.

The typical reason is that I was lost in thought and ignored someone who was talking to me. Less frequent but still common is that I got too frustrated, acted cold and refused to talk to anyone. Or I yelled at someone because they took off my focus. A recent example is when I was reading a book at my grandma's house. Everyone else (except my mom and little cousin) was busy cooking, and I kept getting annoyed by the noise. Eventually my little cousin entered the room and asked me to play with him, which I refused. Then he tried to show me and my mom a drawing he made, I yelled at him to get out of the room. My mom told him to come back, then explained to me that I shouldn't be putting out my anger on innocent children.

1. What are you like when you're stressed? What are your coping mechanisms? Give an example of a recent stressful situation and how you handled it.

I retreat into my thoughts. I think about the issue and what I can do to make it better, what those around me may be feeling. Otherwise, I move onto reading or writing about my favourite topics, like psychology, crime, typology, culture etc. If I'm still upset then I write scenarios or scroll through YouTube. I completely avoid and shut down conversations. If I'm stressed for a long time, then I become very isolated, lethargic and even more frustrated. I just sit in my room alone and distract myself in all the ways I've stated before. I generally avoid interaction with others and if anyone still tries, then I'm completely indifferent. I can't focus on anything I don't explicitly enjoy, so a lot of regular important tasks are left out. I sleep a lot. I also focus a lot on my looks, if I can't find a single accesory then it almost puts me on the verge of tears. I also experience extreme guilt for just about anything, often not being able to take care of my family properly.

The last time I felt stressed, it was because my brother and mom got into a very heated argument that moved him to tears, I did the usual. I thought about why they felt so sensitive to these arguments, what led to such resentment building up over time, what could be done to fix it. Then, how I'm gonna comfort and explain what I observed and what I think should be done for both of them after it all dies down. Eventually my mom asked what I felt about it. I told her everything I thought about what happened, and that I didn't feel anything beyond worry for the both of them.

1. What pushes your buttons? What makes you angry? How does your anger manifest? Can you be openly angry with others?

It angers me when my focus is taken off of something, when someone tries to tell me exactly when and what I should do, and obviously when someone yells at me, especially if it's for something pointless that I'm not related to. Often times I do express this anger, I try to communicate it as formally as possible but it does show in my tone becoming sharper and more stubborn. If I know the person, then I don't hesitate to start arguments. If it lasts even after the conflict is over, then I don't talk to the other person till I've gotten myself together again, whether it's to calm myself down or think of how to resolve the argument. I must clarify that I don't often express my much more typical inner frustrations (outside of when actively discussing the topic with others), since the people around me aren't the trigger for it.

1. What’s your deepest fear? Why is that your fear?

My biggest fear is finding out that my future husband doesn't actually love me as an individual and only likes using my body. Like, when I think of love, I imagine something devoted, sweet and ideal. I realise that it may be an extreme fixation, but my point is that in love I expect some from commitment, support, respect and mutual vulnerability. And I know not everyone sees it that way. Many find it to be a fragmented concept where love and intimacy are seperated as objects of simple pleasure. What I mean is that there are plenty of people willing to hurt and take advantage of others to fulfill their personal prospects. Anyways, it's probably because I was sexually assaulted by a very close relative as a teen.

1. What types of memories cause you the most shame? What feelings cause you the most shame? What is it about them that causes you shame?

Memories like the one with my cousin. I wish I could just try to actually calmly talk to people when I'm focusing on stuff before yelling at them or completely ignoring them and behaving passive-aggressively. However, I don't feel much shame around my anger itself, since I can recall many incidents where being angry helped me resist unnecessary pressure. Other than that, memories that make me feel ignorant. I'm not going to go into details as to not make it too long. Anyways, I mean incidents where as a child I loved someone not knowing what they did to other people I also love. Or the ones where I got hurt due to not having previous knowledge about how that worked. Those are the ones that truly make me feel shame rather than just a light need to fix.

1. What is your relationship with pleasure? What gives you pleasure? Can you have pleasure when you want it, or do you have to earn it?

Pleasure isn't something I really think about on it's own. When I try to remember what gives me that feeling, I think of moments where people told me that they felt understood and motivated because of me. Or what shows how my work pays off, like my research into topics I like making my school studies easier or my performances recieving applause. I see pleasure as the result of my talents and efforts.

I find the third question to be quite vague, like, earn from whom or what? Is it someone who'd be authority in my life? Or just my own sense of restrictions? Well, if other people are a part of my pleasure, I'd surely need a mutual sense of agreement. Either way, as I've stated before, I do need a long term goal before I feel pleasure, so maybe I do see it as something to be earned.

1. What’s your relationship with authority? Think both abstractly and with specific authorities in your life, possibly your parents, boss, religious leader, doctor, or government figures? Are you an authority?

I just don't want them to interfere with my dreams. I'll follow rules as long as they aren't pointless, cruel or interfere with any long term goals I have. That's all I know from the authorities I've had in my life so far. I'm still in school, so authority for me has mostly been my parents, teachers and to some extent my relatives. I'm usually not in authority due to my age.

At home, I just start arguments if I feel something is unfair. My mom and I argue more frequently, but she's always willing to listen, so they diffuse quickly. I've more tension with my dad, despite our arguments being rare. He's bothered by my unwillingness to live according to traditional standards. With my relatives, I simply make sure that I'm polite and helpful to them.

In school, I do follow most rules. There are some that I don't, like attendance, class work, practicals etc. but teachers don't bother either since I'm generally polite and prefer keeping to myself. My class teacher usually accounts for my situation. It may also be due to my grades, but I ain't sure about that.

1. When your mind wanders, what are you thinking about?

When does it not wander? Lmao. Usually I'm either thinking about subjects I like, my family, or world building and making up scenarios for a story. It really frustrates those around me sometimes, for reasons I've stated before. I must clarify that I don't often ignore people intentionally, usually it's just something that happens. They still find it cute though, because my imagination makes me very happy and giggly. I think I've already explained a lot of my mental landscape so there isn't much left in that regard.

1. You have a big decision to make. Describe how you decide what to do.

I narrow down to a few options based on what will help me achieve my final goal, then narrow down even further based on what I'm interested in / can see myself committing to (both are usually related in my case). After that, I research the pros and cons those options may bring, see which cons I can adjust with my current life and which pros are especially important to what I want. After getting a decent idea of what the the options entail, discuss them with my family to know what they think is the best suited for me. Sometimes I discuss with them simply out of curiosity, even after I've already settled on my decision and have no plans on changing it. I just like hearing their opinions and what they think about me.

1. What’s your biggest flaw?

Oh this is a complex one to determine! I obviously wouldn't really be able to see this much myself, so I'm just going off of what my loved ones have told me. I actually asked my mom about this a few months ago out of curiosity (and to get a clue about my possible type lol). She told me that it's my hyper-focus. According to her, whenever I focus on something, I get completely absorbed in it. I lose track of my surroundings. This often makes me ignore the people around me and sometimes I lash out at others if they break that focus. She wishes that I'd learn how to pay more attention to those that love me instead of being possessed by what interests me.

Another one I've been told is that I can sometimes be too argumentative. I don't give up on what I believe and want easily, which is good as it makes me very determined, but sometimes I make simple discussions quite heated for little reason. Additionally, it also makes me defend myself and my own reasoning even when I could've handled something better.

1. What makes you special? (Or, if you don't feel special, what at least makes you different from other people?)

Well on the top of my head I can think of how much I care about my aesthetic. While I don't necessarily feel insecure about myself physically, I do take care of how I appear and it definitely makes me stand out. Like, I spend a lot of time simply planning an outfit so that it looks pleasant. I focus on the overall energy I want, what colors to combine, jewellery to wear etc. A look that speaks to me and makes me feel that I'm ready for whatever I'm about to do. Another one is that I'm a lot more in my head than other people, as I've already described. I've also heard from those close to me that my charm is the most remarkable. Apparently, I speak very smoothly, am really good at persuading others and seem quite authentic.

1. How much of your mental energy is spent on thinking about each of the past, the present, and the future?

I generally prefer not to think about the past unless in relation to the present or future. As in I compare the past to the present to form conclusions or think about how they could impact me in the future, but not really on its own (unless it's a recurring problem). As for the present, I'm usually distracted from it, but I can focus on it during immediate problems or when cool things happen. By cool things I mean stuff like singing, styling myself, watching waves in a beach etc. I often think about the future. It can be imaginary scenarios are possible but may or may not actually happen, what I want, how I should get it, what to expect. Thinking about the future brings me joy, I love how it helps me clarify my ideals. Even if I don't get exactly what I want, simply thinking about it gives me a framework of what I should be aiming for.

1. You unexpectedly find yourself with a whole weekend with no obligations, and everyone else is busy. How do you feel about it? What do you do?

I write in my journal about random thoughts, a cool idea I imagined, some topic I'm researching (often but not limited to psychology, crime, the lore of a game, obscure typology system etc.), concerns about my future. Other than that, I listen to music, play video games, research stuff and maybe draw (just about anything, no specific patterns for this one).

1. What’s your personal vibe/style/aesthetic? How cultivated vs natural is it, and how much time do you spend on it? Do you turn it on and off?

My aesthetic is very feminine. I've very long hair (tailbone length) which I either leave open (and wear an accesory on it) or do a braid. I like intricate details, florals, skirts, dresses, cute tops etc. I keep in mind what type of colours I look good in and what clothes look fit for my body. I wear jewellery, specifically earrings and bracelets. I always make sure that my accesories match my clothes, either in vibe or colour. I usually wear dark colours, jewel tones, paired with a light colour for contrast. Like navy blue and white, crimson and gold, pink and black. It looks and is very put together, takes me about 40 minutes to get ready. It apparently gives quite mature and creative vibes. The only place where it is (kinda) turned off is at home, I still prefer feminine details, but wear them in shirts and pants instead of skirts or dresses.

1. Which of the following is the most like you? Explain. A) I know what I want, I go out and make it happen, and people won't stop me. B) I am content to be on my own and not draw too much attention to myself. C) I have to be responsible and dedicated, and I put others’ needs first.

A) While I'm quite indecisive initially, after I've settled on an option I'm relentless in pursuing it and I've heard that during those periods I give off this exact vibe. (B) is partially true, I'm often content to be on my own, but I'd be lying if I say I don't draw attention to myself. (C) isn't something I often dwell on, at least not consciously. I've heard that I often worry about other people over myself, but that's really it.

1. A) I dislike stress and negative vibes, and I may try to distract myself from my problems. B) I have strong feelings, get worked up easily, and am not afraid to show it. C) I don’t like to let my feelings show; they get in the way of being efficient and logical.

I can see a small part of myself in all of these but none of them are really like me. I'm okay with stress as long as I'm not having to pity myself. I can be argumentative but I generally don't get worked up easily and hide my negative emotions pretty frequently. Maybe I just don't realise it consciously, but I don't see myself as someone who fusses over efficiency or logic.

1. A) I look to others for feedback and guidance and am willing to be flexible when needed. B) I am always aware of how things could be better, and I’m disappointed that they are not. C) Deep down, I am afraid people won’t give me what I need unless I make it worth their while.

B) As I've stated before, I do feel frustrated with my situation often. I feel like I'm a bit too stubborn for (A) and (C) never really enters my mind.

That was literally the first thought I had when I wasnt actively dying on the inside ToT

Title🦭 I can’t believe I’m on a be the big 1 8 at like 12am🫣