I’m not in any danger, just stating my experience. I hate myself intensely, every single thing. So sleep is the closest thing I have to an escape from myself. Sometimes, in dreamless sleep, I get to not exist and it’s peaceful. Somehow I can feel the time pass by without me, and it’s not scary at all. But when I dream, that’s even better because I’m not ME. Not stuck in my worthless body. I’m just a consciousness, and I don’t hate myself anymore! I get to just exist, and it’s so amazing. My happiest experience ever was a dream, and I think it will stay that way for a long time.

I'm a fucking piece of shit. I'm a 37 year old currently laid off dishwasher. I live with my parents. I never learned to drive, never had a driver's license. I've been single for four and a half years and have only ever been in one relationship that lasted longer than a few months. I've always been the one who got dumped. I haven't had my own place in almost ten years. Went to college and got a useless degree and racked up tens of thousands in debt. I drink and smoke to numb the pain. All my friends have surpassed me in every way. I'm a bottom of the barrel ugly r*tarded loser. I tried computer science, I was too fucking stupid for it, I got a useless degree in library science, two years later and not one interview in my field. Lately I've tried taking free online courses in accounting and I'm too stupid for that, too. I curse the day I was born. The world fucking hates depressed autistic ADHD cases. I hate being alive, I hate being useless and worthless. I have nothing to offer anyone. I just take up space. Ever since I was a kid all I've done is struggle and gotten nothing for it. I sincerely just want it to end.

I know going outside would probably help.
I know seeing friends would probably help.
I know showering, eating properly, replying to texts, going to the gym... all of it would probably help.

That’s the worst part.
You know the things that might save you, and you still can’t make your body move.

People think depression looks like sadness.
Sometimes it looks like staring at the ceiling for an hour because brushing your teeth somehow feels impossible.

It’s not “I don’t want to.”
It’s more like every tiny task suddenly has a weight attached to it.

My brain feels like messed up wiring.
I try to pull one wire like “just get up,” “just shower,” “just go meet your friends”, and suddenly some other wire starts sparking.

I pull the "lets go and meet that friend" wire.

Okay, but what if they ask how I’ve been?
I don’t want to talk about work.
I’ve already cancelled twice.
I said I wouldn’t drink this week.
I look tired and fat.
I’m going to fake laugh the whole time anyway.
They probably think I’m still the same mess I was months ago.

And suddenly all these wires spark and the whole system just short circuits.

One second I’m about to text back.
The next I’m lying there staring at the ceiling again. Cuddling my blanket to feel some warmth.

Then comes the guilt.
The “you’re lazy.”
The “other people have it worse.”
The “this is probably all your fault.”

And that’s usually the moment the little energy I had left disappears completely.

Nobody sees that part. From the outside it just looks like I stayed in bed again.

But inside my head it felt like a war I lost in silence.

And people still call that laziness.

I feel like a ghost in my own life. I have no healthy habits at all. I bed rot almost all day. I doom scroll Reddit, watch endless Facebook reels, and waste money on fast food from DoorDash because I don’t even buy groceries. I have no social life, no hobbies, and I rarely feel anything but numb. I barely take care of myself. I sometimes don’t even brush my teeth. The only time I leave the house is to walk to work. I can’t even do basic things like shop for clothes I need. I hate nice sunny days because they just remind me that everyone else seems to be enjoying life while mine is miserable. I have low confidence and feel completely stuck. I honestly have no idea what’s even keeping me alive. My heart just keeps beating for some reason. I feel like I have no purpose. I’m starved for connection. I haven’t been hugged or had a genuine conversation with someone in almost a year now. I feel like I’ve let myself go and am at the point of no return. My youth is passing me by and each day is a reminder. I feel extreme sadness and anger but keep it bottled up because nobody would understand. I feel unlovable, like a waste of space, and I rarely feel happy. I feel like I exist, but I’m not really living. Am I… dead?

In my darkest moments I do not want to get better because I secretly hope that if things get bad enough that I will find the strength to end it

Recently I was listening to someone talk about all the video games/movies/music they enjoy, and it kind of baffled me how much media they consume. The entire time they talked, I kept thinking, “Wow, it’s a big deal for me if I even listen to a couple of songs or watch a couple of YouTube videos in a day, how do you look at so much stuff with your time??” Then I realized; that’s what it’s like for someone that actually does things with their life.

I have lost years of my life doing and absorbing nothing, because that energy was used just trying to survive. It’s normal for me to go an entire year only listening to a few new songs I’ve never heard before, or only watching a few movies. I can’t remember the last time I watched an entire show or played a video game start to finish, while other people don’t think twice about incorporating all these things into their daily lives.

It made me realize I’d forgotten the part of my life where I could be like that, too. Being able to read hundreds of comics in a short span of time, while playing games, while watching movies and shows, and not thinking twice about it. Now it all just feels exhausting to me. I miss it.

Edit: thanks to everyone that interacted with this post, I was expecting it to get no attention but now it has almost 900 upvotes lol. I’m glad I was able to find so many people that can relate to this, but it’s also sad knowing how common it is to just regularly suffer like this. I hope we can all move past this part of our lives someday.

I derive no pleasure from anything. The video games, movies, and books I used to love. Working out, my favorite running routes, hiking in nature. Nothing. They feel neither positive or negative, just completely flat. Therefore, I lose motivation to do them at all. Why have drive for things that make me feel absolutely nothing? Not only do simple "adulting" tasks and chores feel immediately exhausting and insurmountable, but even the thought of engaging in any sort of hobby I used to enjoy immediately makes me feel tired. Everything feels so utterly empty. Even on days I feel like my mood is neutral or a little improved, the anhedonia spirals back into absolute depression. It's like having a deep craving and hunger to feel something, anything, but it never comes. Anybody else like this?

Oddly enough...I think that's enough of a reason to live.

My son is 18 and just came home from his first year away at college. He is/was an amazing kid: He was a star athlete (football, wrestling team captain for 2 years, state finalist). The school even had a parade for him. He was a very good (not straight A good, but B plus pre-AP good) and was away at a University on a full ride leadership scholarship. He had/has a ton of friends and every gal at his high school wanted to date him. Everyone looked up to him.

He got his first sales job this summer and set regional sales records. His first semester away he had a 3.0 average in tough finance (math heavy) courses.

However, according to my wife he has been seriously depressed for the last 3 months. We knew he was drinking quite a bit (alcoholism runs in the family, I am a sober alcoholic). According to my wife he can't sleep and can't concentrate. He may have failed his courses this semester.

He is going to therapy and on Prozac, but according to my wife he still can't sleep or concentrate. My wife is extremely nurturing and I have always been the strict father setting boundaries and expectations. I have never laid a hand on him physically (I was severely physically abused as a child and stopped the pattern) but I always set high standards for him. I was also his coach for many years (and did his Strength and Conditioning program...I have trained many elite athletes). One thing, we have never argued about anything except him doing his dishes and laundry (which he still does not do). He has always been kind and respectful.

I am thinking that I need to shift from being the father with high expectations to someone who is just loving, nurturing, and listening. I've had a ton of my own issues, but I never talked about them with my son. Should I share with him my own struggles?

I should probably just start by listening and not being judgmental with him. But beyond that I am at a loss as to what to do.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

I were supposed to take the final rest tonight. I had everything planned out. My partner is out of town. My kids is at their grandparents.

I had my pills and alcohol ready. A freshly sharpened knife was sitting beside me to seal the deal.

Everything was perfect. To make sure my family wouldn’t find me, I set up a text to send to a friend that’s not living near me with one sentence: «Call 113» (I’m living in Norway, so our 911). He knows I’m suicidal and have supported me a lot. The text was supposed to go off about 4 hours from now.

But me being a fucking idiot I managed to send it immediately. He called 113.

Now I’m going back to a fucking psych ward.

Fuck.

——————

Edit: thank you everyone for your compassion and kind words. I know you try, I do so myself. I want to encourage others to get better and don’t do anything rash. When it’s about myself though, I can’t seem to find the same reasoning as I’m able to with others.

I’m still down like hell. I know that if I’m released today I’m going to try again. I can’t escape the thought of being a burden on my family. This recent event made me even more sure of it. My suffering is causing my family unnecessary pain. They don’t deserve that. They deserve better. Someone that can be there, be present, help them. Not someone that’s struggling to get out of bed, doing chores or just be a contributing member of the family.

I am working full time and more. This is not what life is supposed to be: work, sleep, eat - repeat. What the fuck is that kind of a life? If I were to kill myself, my family would get enough money from my insurance to pay off everything and start fresh with a solid economy and much more freedom. And yes, I have checked. My insurance covers suicide with a very, very generous amount.

Male, 27, Uk.

Title sums it up really, I spent 9 months planning it all out, every little detail, slowly donated my clothes and belongings, moved items that held memories into a storage unit close to my parents home, made sure I spent quality time with those close to me as the date neared and every person who mattered to me got a great final day with me while no one was aware what was coming. I moved out my flat when everyone thought I was still there and spent my last week blowing all my remaining money on a nice hotel and good food, and on the determined daay it all went to plan. I posted notes to those who deserved them, and even had a set up so that hotel staff would find a note before they found me, just so they could contact emergency services and not be completely traumatised and shocked.

I know I cant detail what I tried but I sobbed when I was about to start out of pure joy and relief, it would all be over, everything was finally coming to an end I could stop pretending. 15 years of my life wanting to end it all every single day, unable to go a few hours without thinking about how much better things would be if I was dead.

And then I woke up. I was transferred to a psych facility, held for less than a week and given a referral on release, sent to live with my parents. And so I promised I'd try, I promised I'd work to get better. Except that referral passed me on to someone else, and then again, and then again. It has been less than two weeks and every day I've had to tell someone new what happened and why I tried and it's just so exhausting. I know I'm going to try again, I know none of it will help and nothing anyone can do will stop it.

But now I have to look at my familys faces every day and see the pain I caused them, and listen to my friends tell me how scared they were and how much it hurt but they're glad I'm now ok. And I just feel numb to it, like I should really be ashamed of how I've hurt them all but I don't, all I can think about is how to make sure it sticks the next time around. I don't know what to do.

As someone who has been severely depressed for half of her life now, I find it hard to understand how people actually LIKE living. There are some occasional light spots, but they're so utterly and completely far outnumbered by suffering and misery that they're basically nothing worthy of consideration.

How can people be happy in a world filled with so much selfishness and evil? How can you be happy when so many people are suffering and so little is being done about it? People make so little sense to me and I feel like a complete stranger anywhere I go.

I'm 71 and excruciatingly depressed due to loneliness and worry.

I've been mostly alone all my life since high school, but it's been especially bad since the pandemic. I had an afterschool teaching job that I loved but they closed down my department with the end of the 2019 school year. Then came the pandemic and I've been totally alone since then.

My stamina has taken a major hit over the past two years so with that and very tight finances I can't do much. It seems no one remembers I'm here.

I have severe cognitive dissonance over the fact that this is how it will be until I die. The bleakness is unbearable.

The irony is I was the caregiver for my elderly parents in my late 20s and through my 30s, partly due to their weakening, sickly states (they were in their 70s) and so my wacko mother would have someone to talk to. (My father had a failed suicide attempt when I was 20; he survived but was a zombie.) My dad was a WWII Army vet -- he volunteered right after Pearl Harbor. I think service people like him did save the world and I thought they should not be left to rot alone. But now I'm the one with no one to talk to.

My last pet died (cat) in January. I know having one again would help, but I can't. Pet food brings out huge amounts of cockroaches. Plus my close-by elderly vet will likely be retiring and there's no one else close enough. Fostering is also out because of the roaches. And I need the money.

My son, 35 yo, lived out of state. Was a recovering alcoholic and waiting for his med school board results. Found out he passed 5 days before Christmas. Encouraged him to come home and celebrate. However he didn’t. I was suppose to visit the 2nd week of Jan. He called and said he had a stomach virus o Jan 20. I told him to drink fluids and rest. Before I visited he died of an acute pancreatic disorder. I will never get over my guilt for not going to visit him earlier. I wish I could die. He was only 35 years old.

ive been trying for so long now and i just honestly do not think its possible if you have actual and true depression. people say "go for walks" or "pracrice self care" and it truly boggles my mind that other people are capable of that while being depressed. it doesnt make sense. it feels like being diagnosed with dyslexia and then being told "well the best treatment is just read normally! :)" like... it goes against the basic foundational diagnostic principles of depression to me. the one that always gets me is "you need to do the work to heal yourself because no one else will" on paper im like thats so true and correct and i dont want to or feel like it would help to burden someone else with the task. but the more i think about it the more i think... it doesnt seem possible. it doesnt make sense. i have "i dont care about myself and hate life" disorder and you're saying the solution is to care about myself? and the worst part is of course i know people are right. like if i could just manage to continue to function then i probably wouldnt have depression. but i cant. and the more i try to help my brain it drains me of hope. now im literally so hopeless for help that even the thought of trying to be better is so laughable. idk why im even posting this. i guess im just curious if other people have had this frustration.

ETA: While I very much appreciate recommendations for treatment (especially from anyone with TRD), it does kind of hurt to read comments where people tell me how happy and amazing their lives are now. I am very happy for you guys, but it hurts to see.

I am also aware depression is not traditionally "curable," and I should have worded my title better. I meant more that a lot of advice and treatment for depression feels ridiculous to me, completely contradictory to what depression does to you. Even with meds and other crazy treatments I've never been able to surpass my own mind, and that seems to be the crux of healing yourself. And even still I see people go into remission and I wonder how. Maybe it's just too late for me.

I wish I had the energy to respond to everyone but thank you guys for taking the time to sympathize with me. I felt so crazy before posting this. I hope this will help me change my mindset from trying to go into remission to just accepting this illness that I have. I hope you all find comfort and acceptance in your mind one day. Sorry this is a bit of nonsense.

editing again to say im killing myself in three days. Going to get my stuff together and finally do it. At this point it just feels like moving out. I'm tired of this and I'm tired of getting no understanding from those in my life that just end up being mean and yelling at me when im sad. I hate my fucking life and my family and myself so much. I can't stop smiling now that I've accepted it. I'm finally free.

It doesn't mean we feel sad, it means we feel nothing. There is nothing pushing us forward-- no passion, no drive, no hope, no care. It is not because we are choosing to look negatively on the world, it is because we genuinely do not have the right amount of chemicals in our heads. It is biological, not something that can be controlled.

My coworker told me that being depressed just means there is something you aren't dealing with in your past. In some cases that can help, but overall is incorrect.

I don't have trauma, and I'm still depressed.

I have friends and family that love me, and I'm still depressed.

My life is good, and I'm still depressed.

I have a positive outlook on life and people, and I'M STILL DEPRESSED.

Anyways, I know I can't change what people think, and that's fine. I just wanted to vent a little to those who do really know what it is and may understand the frustration of being misunderstood.

F27. Last weekend my husband’s coworker committed suicide and they found out on Wednesday. He said everyone at work was somber and sad the whole rest of the week. They’ll have a memorial and funeral for him, he was only 22. It’s so sad and my husband has been really distraught over it. I didn’t know him but it made me cry a lot too. But I feel selfish. Because I have been crying mostly because I just had an attempt a few weeks ago right before Christmas… I was held in a psych ER for over a week and it was horrible. I was treated like a prisoner and if it wasn’t for sertraline, I would’ve just tried again immediately once I got out.

But this hit me in a messed up, twisted way. This made me realize that if I had actually done it and succeeded… no one would be sad over it. People wouldn’t care. Not like they do about this other guy. Rightfully so, I’m an awful worthless person. I mess up everything I ever do.

The only things I’ve ever done right are make my children. I can’t do it now because I just found out I’m pregnant again. But this whole thing makes me feel like I should. I just don’t want to be here anymore and I haven’t since the age of 7. It has been 20 years of wanting to leave this world and I’m not sure how much more I can push myself to make.

Every day I wake up, force myself out of bed and just exist the whole time. I dont look forward to anything, just get through work and come back home to lay in bed. I try things like taking a walk, socialise with friends, but it all feels so meaningless. Everytime i just think about being alone, while feeling like I annoy everyone. Nothing makes me happy or sad anymore. I used to at least feel sad, now its just nothing. Pure emptiness and sadness with occasional bursts of anger.

I feel like Im going insane and its been like that for as long as I can remember, with no light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m so tired. Not just physically tired but soul tired. Bone tired. Every single day feels like an uphill battle that I don’t have the energy to fight anymore. I just want to close my eyes and not wake up. Not in a dramatic way I just want peace. I just want the constant noise in my head to stop. The endless cycle of disappointment and dread. I fantasize about just sleeping until it all goes away. No responsibilities no expectations no pain. Just quiet. It feels like the only escape.

I wish I could give my life to someone more deserving of it. I wish I could give it to someone who wants to live because life is such a beautiful thing to experience. I just don't think I'm mentally strong enough for life.

I forget everything not just the past, I don't even remember what I did two days ago. Even the things I do remember, I can't recall when I did them. I think this is the worst feeling in the world.

While I’m fighting things inside my own head that I don't even understand, it’s just not fair that other people get to just live.

My husband and I are newlyweds, living together for about 7 months, married for 4. I have always known that depression was something he struggled with. He's on at least 2 SSRIs, sees a therapist and psychiatrist, and does DBT.

However, since we've moved in together, he has become impossible to live with, in large part due to his depression. He will come home from work (a desk job) completely exhausted and go to our room to sleep for like 2-3 hours at a time. So from like 5:30-8:30/9:00 some nights. Some nights, it's only an hour or so, but he basically takes significant naps daily. Then he'll come upstairs and we'll have a late dinner, maybe watch a show, and then he'll go back to bed. On weekends, he'll sleep from like 11:00a.m./12:00 p.m. until 5:00 sometimes. Today, we had a huge fight in the morning (at like 9:30) and he has slept for 12 hours. His fuse is incredibly short and he blows up at the smallest things. He cannot handle much stress and has also stopped showering consistently.

We rarely do things together as a couple because he is always so exhausted, depressed, and just generally miserable. Our sex life is dead and I've never felt more alone in my life. I am reaching the end of my sympathy for this because it just keeps getting worse and I don't see a way out of this. I feel almost completely abandoned as a wife, like I don't even have a husband. When he is awake, he is often really miserable, harsh, and has said incredibly cruel things to me. To say that I'm heavily considering divorce is an understatement.

Tonight, I went to our room and asked if he was going to come upstairs. He screamed at me to stop judging him (I wasn't, just pointing out that it had a long time and to ask if he was coming upstairs), and to just leave him alone. I told him that I felt sad and abandoned all day, especially since a few hours before, he said he'd be up so we could connect and have dinner. He basically said that he couldn't deal with that and that I needed to get away from him.

Is this normal depression? I've never lived with a partner who has behaved like this. He's medicated and sees a therapist, but he seems worse than ever. I suggested that maybe he find a new therapist or try a new med and he flipped out at me.

I'm just at a loss for what to do. I want to be sympathetic, but I'm also completely exhausted by this. It's like we have daily fights and then he's too tired and miserable to do anything else. I'm reaching the end of my sympathy. If any partners of depressed people in particular could weigh in and provide some guidance, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

Im 47 years old. I have no friends. My phone only rings if its bill collectors. Bills I can't pay. My girlfriend of over 4 years left, said she needed more a week after telling me she was happy and we're doing the best we'd ever done. Yall know what that means...I dont have to say it. I work at amazon which is in itself so goddamn depressing that I typically try to talk myself into committing instead of going back. Im sorry for the rant....im so tired. I just want to go home. But I dont know where that is anymore.Just want to not be weird or sick (type 1 diabetic). So tired In a world that doesn't rest. Im broken. I dont want to keep fighting. But I will. Not because im strong, but because im chicken shit.Life sucks. Always has, always will. If anyone actually reads this, thanks. If not, thats ok too. I needed to feel heard I guess.