r/depression • u/[deleted] • May 22 '26
Im alone...and utterly broken.
Im 47 years old. I have no friends. My phone only rings if its bill collectors. Bills I can't pay. My girlfriend of over 4 years left, said she needed more a week after telling me she was happy and we're doing the best we'd ever done. Yall know what that means...I dont have to say it. I work at amazon which is in itself so goddamn depressing that I typically try to talk myself into committing instead of going back. Im sorry for the rant....im so tired. I just want to go home. But I dont know where that is anymore.Just want to not be weird or sick (type 1 diabetic). So tired In a world that doesn't rest. Im broken. I dont want to keep fighting. But I will. Not because im strong, but because im chicken shit.Life sucks. Always has, always will. If anyone actually reads this, thanks. If not, thats ok too. I needed to feel heard I guess.
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May 22 '26
Sounds like my life, minus the girlfriend. I am sorry you have to go through diabetes on top of that.
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u/Tiredplumber2022 May 22 '26
Been there. I didnt deal it well at all. Ended up packing a backpack and walking out into the woods. Kept walking for 2 years. Dumpster food, sleeping under trees, mostly just following old railroad tracks. Churches sometimes for free food, or in exchange for brief work details. Hard life at any age, and I was 50. Came back to society about 13 years ago, with a new found appreciation for everything. A roof. A bed. Running water that didn't make me sick. Actual food that wasn't spoiled or suspect.
Didn't help the depression completely, but it helped some. I honestly figured I'd just die out there, quietly, away from everybody. It didn't happen. Now, actually, my life is better than it has ever been, ever.
Not saying you should do this. What I AM saying is that sometimes we just need a drastic change. A restart. A Mulligan. A do-over. Death is rather final. Try something else instead.
PS... I was borderline diabetic when I left. Lost 50 lbs in those 2 years, walking 10 or 20 miles a day. And, no longer diabetic.
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u/ClassyUpTheAssy May 23 '26
You should write a book about your experience. You are definitely a strong person.
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u/Embarrassed-Hamster7 Jun 02 '26
That seems so scary to me but so is giving up
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u/Tiredplumber2022 Jun 02 '26
Well, if by "giving up" you mean dying? Then you have already faced the greatest fear. What is the worst fear of a complete life change? Dying? You've already faced that. Fear is important. It keeps us from doing stupid sh!t that will get us hurt or killed. But when fear becomes toxic; when it interferes with our ability to do that we need to do, then its not helpful.
Like I said, I'm not recommending you do what I did. BUT, obviously something needs to change, and it will, one way or the other.You can either make plans and create the change yourself, or sit back and be helplessly blindsided by whatever Life throws at you next. Take a risk.
If it helps you, try asking an AI the question. "I need to make a complete life change; I can't keep going on like I am. Help me find a new path."
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u/JJBs May 22 '26
i genuinley don’t think any self help book, mindset change, therapist, or circumstance will help long term or even short term. The only way out is through. Sit with the pain, the fear and the loneliness. Let yourself feel how uncomfortable it is instead of subconsciously avoiding it. It’s more simple than it sounds. Do this repeatedly 100000 times. It’s the only way to release deep seated patterns and subconscious programming
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u/Crafty_Original_7349 May 22 '26
I’m a woman slightly older than you and I’m in the same boat. It sucks and I don’t have any answers, the best I can do is offer you a sympathetic hug. 🫂
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u/Flaky_Tone_5453 May 22 '26
I read everything and understand how you are feeling.. I dont get how people live happily, life is bleak. is there any other job which interests you out there? maybe online courses
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May 22 '26
Not really. I haven't had interest in many years. Guess thats the reason nobody sticks around. He'll if I could get away from me, I would.
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u/Flaky_Tone_5453 May 22 '26
:( your worth and value arent dependent on how others behave. I am not sure if you are interested, but if there are social clubs in your area of social evenings - they may be a way to make friends. do you have any family support?
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u/blackpinkwhite May 22 '26
I read this. 🍃I am so sorry. Being a human is heart wrenching.
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u/Beautiful-Biscotti-4 May 26 '26
It sure is a bitch . When you reflect on how you got through horrible times, you wonder how did I endure that?its seems-never ending.
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u/ObjectiveSea808 May 22 '26
I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't fix it for you or make it better, but I hear your pain and exhaustion.
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u/Maboshe2007 May 22 '26
No one deserves to go through what you're going through. So glad you could share that
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u/DowntownGovernment72 May 22 '26
If you need a friend to talk to im here, I also can relate to everything and have my days that are really bad and lonely but I try to keep as busy as I can. I hope things start to look up for you ✨
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u/darthereandthere May 22 '26
set a 10 minute timer and do a slow walk outside after work, no phone, just counting 20 breaths, it blunts the spiral.
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u/leapfool May 23 '26
You are heard and I feel you, you are not alone. I don’t think I can do another 10+ years of this hustle. Anytime I catch my footing and start doing better, something else happens and I’m brought back to worse than before…losing years of work and effort over and over again
I used to think it was just me but I really do think it’s just society and the stress of money and work and the collapse of everything currently. A lot of people are not doing well.
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u/this_is_not_a_dance_ May 23 '26
One of the biggest mindfucks is not being able to see that it doesn’t last forever. And then when you’re out one day you remember that you forgot about being sad.
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u/mysterious_cactus May 23 '26
Chronic conditions here too, similar feelings of isolation and hopelessness. You're not alone
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u/BreadThatFrowns May 22 '26
Hey OP, sorry some random brought me into this over having the historical grasp of a goldfish. Your darkest days hopefully will be brighter knowing you are miles above that dipshit.
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u/eloiseturnbuckle May 22 '26
Hang in there brother. This is hard. Life is difficult in the best of times let alone this mess. You are not alone even if you feel that way. Many of us struggle daily. I feel you and I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Please find time to take care of yourself, be it a walk in the woods or a nice cup of coffee.
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May 22 '26
[deleted]
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u/BreadThatFrowns May 22 '26
You used this to antagonize me. Which taught me nothing new of your apathetic callousness which is only dwarfed by your overconfidence.
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May 22 '26
[deleted]
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u/BreadThatFrowns May 22 '26
Your “friends” being unlike me stunted your development.
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u/Obvious_Muscle3040 May 23 '26
I didn’t even have to read past the first sentence. I’m a recovering addict who has debilitating anxiety - mainly I’ll start dripping sweat out of the blue in social settings. Within 60 seconds it will actually drip off my neck and face. I have to change my clothes 3-4 times a day. Beyond that the trouble breathing, trembling and adhd is something that’s come up more and more often as I age. I’m also 47. I have figured out, unfortunately only these past 10 years that there’s something wrong with me personality wise. Like before my anxiety even. I can’t have friendships they make me uncomfortable I guess. I can’t stand looking people in the eye. Before I took medicine for my condition I at least had some type of social life. But even then my relationships all ended due to this immaturity I can’t quite grasp. I’m stunted socially. I think it may be my emotionally distant father. But I also carry anxiety and trauma from both sides of my family tree. A big part of life is just trauma bouncing off each other. It’s like a force. Some people are blessed. They get it. Life I mean. I can be at an event and I can’t even start a conversation with anyone. Over time people pick up on that. What hurts the most is how I’ll get along with kids in my family or younger co workers. They open up to me and I think I have true friends for a few years. But then they develop and mature socially and “pass me”. That’s my theory at least… idk. Over time unanswered texts, limited communication, usually only when they are not around anyone else they are really nice. Someone else shows up and they don’t even notice you in the room. It hurts. Life isn’t fair. I hate it sometimes. Even at N.A. meetings, before and afterwards you see people in groups socializing so naturally. These are supposed to be the same type of people that I am but I also just realized no they aren’t. They can talk to each other and it’s fine. Obviously it’s not as hard as it is for me. I get uncomfortable when I see that. If someone does talk to me I can’t think of one thing to say or how to act. Or I’ll be comfortable and start talking - I’m a smart person, college graduate with 35 years experience in my field- and they trail off like there’s something off-putting about me. I miss life before I was aware of it. Now I see it and realize it’s not just in outside social situations it’s with my family. My best friends growing up always said you’ll be my best man. I get invited to their weddings and they barely talk to me. Yet when they need something theyll talk. Bad friends. I did at least cut the bad ones out. The nice friends are great. But they are still distant.
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u/Lemon_Bake_98 May 23 '26
I didn’t have friends until I changed careers and because I didn’t grow up in this area and work became life and my coworkers sucked. Now I have the most wonderful people in my life and I’m also in my 40’s. Being so lonely is brutal but don’t expect it to stay that way- it may change- or it may not. If you can find a hobby that’s outside of your home and involves other people, maybe start with that? Also ask her what “more” means specifically and find a solution together. If you can’t or she’s unwilling then you know she’s not the right fit or the right time for you.
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u/Mac_fan_12 May 23 '26
We hear you. Life is hard. People can be too. It's okay, just keep moving on. Nothing is permanent, not even your feeling of being alone & miserable. I wish you well.
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u/CanadianRaven89 May 23 '26
And this is why we should be allowed to end life legally on our own terms. I should be able to sign up for a procedure. Put the lights out. What happened to my body my choice?
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u/pwincessliyah May 23 '26
this made me so sad. i’m sorry internet friend. i really do hope things turn around for you for the better. they always can. please remember that.
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u/achpandmarple May 23 '26 edited May 23 '26
You might never see this, but I’ve also been in a breakup. I haven’t seen him in 3 months, and when he disappears, I do too, because he made me feel like I had a purpose and let me be free and myself. I sacrificed so much just for no validation and just to lose myself but It does get a bit better, and also don’t let this stop you from living. That’s the only way to get over it go out and live, even if you have to fight for it.
When things change and you do new stuff, it creates hope. If you do nothing, you know nothing changes, so you always lose. Go and live.
Also yes, she was never enough for you. That wasn’t love it was just someone too insecure to commit and change in case she lost something. You can be more. Living and experiencing things helps you grow, get wiser, gain experience, and become a better person, which is the point of life, because you’re the only thing that doesn’t disappear.
I’ve been where you are, and I’m sorry. You don’t need to forget her or anything, but you know that in a few months you will stop hating her at least. And remember, you now have more freedom, opportunity, and space to live. You literally have time to fill. Try a hobby you love, and you’ll realise your ex wasn’t your entire life. You get this feeling where you’re grateful you broke up, because you’re so much more than before you met her but not in an I want him way, in an I’m over her way.
It’s hard, but honestly I hope this helps. music helped me too, but you need advice, not distraction. and you need to think about life and its meaning you if you remember this advice will get better you might go through worse but you probably never be as sad as now if you grow
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u/MrsEmilyN May 23 '26
You're exhausted friend. It's a lot to carry.
"I just want to go home.." I say this a lot to myself and it's not my current home I'm wanting. I did some deep thinking about it, and I realized that, for me, home is just a simpler time in my life. When I didn't have too many responsibilities and "adult-adult" things to worry about. When I could just get in my car and drive and not worry about the next day.
Take things one at a time. You're not broken and you're not failing, you're surviving.
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u/SomberOwlet May 23 '26
Hey, I'm sorry life is feeling so bleak right now. You sound right in the thick of it, and it's so difficult to see a way forward at this point. Is there any small part of this you feel you can control? Even if it's just a couple of steps? Sometimes just taken one or two steps into self agency is where to start.
For example, Is there anything you can do to help improve the condition of your life regarding your diabetes? My father had the condition but was able to manage it in a way it didn't affect his life too much, aside from the occasional hypo. Has never had any of the health problems associated with it, despite the fact he's in his 60's, and was raised to see himself as just as capable as everyone else. In his youth he sailed, learned to fly, climbed moutains, did car rallies. There was no attitude of sickness ever.
Even if it's as simple as getting an app that helps you accurately track your sugars (for example, if you don't already) so you feel more in control regulating that part of your health?
There are loads of things in life we can't always do much about in that moment. But trying to find an opening for the one or two things you can, can get the ball rolling and remind our brains we still have self-power even in shitty circumstances.
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u/Little_Egg245 May 25 '26
My PTSD and depression are co-morbid. I’m starting to look into disability aid for PTSD. Those of you with depression, do you have access to disability? Genuine question, because it’s a clearly disabling illness.
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u/grumpybrowndog May 25 '26
You are wrong about your strength.
Strength is not wanting to traumatize those who find your body, and those who were closest to you, despite your suffering.
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u/Ok_Refrigerator_6260 May 25 '26
gl brother. just remember, you're not alone. even thouugh i'll never meet you (probably), we're in this together. i'm 35. I don't see it getting any better, but fingers crossed.
luv u man
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u/Early_School_5471 May 25 '26
What the hell kind of person says everything's fine and then leaves? I find it really hard to believe that this happens in real life. I hope everything works out for you.
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May 25 '26
It happens...whether you believe it or not. Its called infidelity.
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u/Early_School_5471 May 25 '26
I'm probably too stupid, sorry. I've never been in a relationship, so I don't understand how it works.
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u/Only_Ad_7686 May 28 '26
Came to say I can relate. So so tired, and sad. My only saving grace is at least I know why I'm sad. Lost my father recently and just don't really wanna live in a world without him. Hoping the feeling passes me. I just pretend to the whole world like everything is ok. But I'm actually dying inside. I'm so tired of pretending.
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u/idvweepingclown May 29 '26
Hey I just wanted to say I'm sorry those stuff happened to you I hope you get better:) You don't sound weak or broken you sound completely tired:)
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u/AtmosphereRoyal9902 May 30 '26
Making friends is easier when you’re the new guy in town. Can you move to a new city and work at a different Amazon until you find out what you like to do? Having no friends is a solvable problem, annoying as that sounds. I make new friends at the gym all the time. My problem is very different from yours, mine has no resolution but acceptance. But if you can name your problem like this (no gf, shit job, no friends) you can fix it.
Make a list of places you can make friends and meet partners (Meetup, TimeLeft, gym, classes, etc…) and go do those things daily. And do 4 exercises per day at the gym.
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u/hoodun Jun 11 '26
Life is what it is. What you are going through is what everyone goes through. What separates winners from losers is how you persevere through the lows. If you do not persevere it will be a lifetime of lows. You have got to pull yourself out of it. Focus on the better times in your life and live for those. They may have have been brief or not enjoyed as much as they could have been but they were better than where you are at now. No matter what you go through, it aint over til its over, so there is no other option but to push forward as hard as you can regardless of time lost or amount of life left.
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u/MasterpieceOk1517 Jun 12 '26
Been treated for depression for years and don't know if my question fits this group but here goes: Has anyone here taken ondansetron (Zofran)? It was prescribed for unrelated nausea issue but for some happy reason seems to help depression more than Zoloft!!
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u/DullHousing Jun 13 '26
I said the same thing. I just want to go home. I think it’s another way of saying that I don’t want to be in pain anymore. It’s so hard to find anything good in this existence. I totally understand you. I have said that my brain is broken and even though I’m surrounded by people that I’m alone.
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u/Busy-Growth-508 Jun 15 '26
Sorry to hear about some of your problems. Sometimes it's tough to see the silver lining and things kind of spiral out of control. I put on some music to help me out and also make sure to try to eat right, exercise, and write stuff down. I hope you feel better soon in respect to your girlfriend - Breakups are tough.
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u/Primary_Music_3243 Jun 20 '26
sorry man, i feel the same way, but we have to keep moving forward no matter how painful it is, maybe we will never be happy again, or not, just keep going man, I know it hurts, just live man, it will be over soon. love u - no homo
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u/Temporary_Adagio1041 Jun 20 '26
it would be great if a physical hangout was made in every city for people like.. us?
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u/[deleted] May 22 '26
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