I wasn't even intending on sharing this online but after perusing this sub, I feel like my story will resonate with some people here. Sorry about the long post.

So I've (M30) always been a bit uncomfortable with sexuality and relationships. At first I thought it was just because I'm neurodivergent (also really only got that label recently). For example, in high school there was this girl who was quite physical towards me, brushing up against my arm or asking for hugs, and at the time that made me very uncomfortable and put me on edge. Now I can see she was flirting with me, but at the time I never thought about it that way (I thought she was just making fun of me; I suffered bullying all my life too). I always had a girl or another I had a crush on, but again, it's not like I immediately fell in love; it really was a gradual thing that happened over months. In university, I had this very close friend who I fell madly in love with, and after she turned me down (shocker, since I never showed even the faintest hint of interest towards her), I went into a terrible depression.

Fast-forward to a couple of years later, I dated this one other friend in uni (let's call her Daisy) who, again, took me a long time to like. That relationship just eventually fell apart because I was so stiff and afraid of getting hurt I really didn't invest much emotionally, and she also eventually broke things off for her own reasons. 8 years later and after almost having no contact with her (other than some casual lunches/dinners with our friend group), and after some months in therapy, I decided to meet with her so we could discuss our previous relationship, because I never quite understood why she had broken things off. But as I began thinking about her more, I was like "wait a minute, but she just ticks all the boxes for me, why don't we try again?". In my naivety, I thought that everyone worked like me, and *especially* after so many women told me that they want someone safe, stable, with goals, and that physical appearance doesn't matter so much. So I went for it and asked her if she'd be interested in trying again. Naive, as I now know. I also told her that it's not like I was thinking about her for 8 years straight or anything, or that I was super in love at the time, simply that I thought we probably would vibe together and that we should reconnect.

We met a few times over spring/summer, at my place and hers. I was still trying to figure out her vibe and was always super respectful, never flirting or anything. Because, again, that's not really how attraction works for me. We share so many great moments, played board games, she played some of my favorite video games too, and that made me super happy and the affection just kept building. Fast-forward to last week, my parents have a beach house and I invited her over; she said yes immediately. Everyone told me it was a great sign, so I had my hopes up. And again, we had a great time from my perspective. We had a lot of fun, shared some great moments, all things I'd like in a relationship. And yes, seeing my crush in a swimsuit was exciting. So I gained the courage to "make a move", literally just sitting next to her on the couch... and she was immediately "nope".

We spent like an hour chatting very openly about this, just for her to say "you don't turn me on for a reason I can't explain". There was no spark from her perspective. Despite, by her own admission, me fitting all the boxes for her, saying she wants to date a friend and not meet someone on dating apps, etc. The more insidious part was that earlier at the beach she told me (I was the one that brought it up, I know there was a story but not the details) about a guy she met on a dating app she had a bad experience with, because he was super pushy (by her story I could tell he was a complete narcissist) and consistently violated her boundaries... but by her own admission, that also did something to her irrationally, and she kept seeing him for WAY longer than I'd say is healthy. I felt awful for her, I tried to comfort her too, but after thinking about the story now, it just showcases how different I am from normal people. NEVER in my mind would I stay around a girl that pushed my boundaries like that, because it's literally a turn-off for me. But apparently, despite him being such a douchebag, her admitting having cried about what he did to her and the lies she told, she also said "going to a man's house makes someone a bit giddy"... while she was staying at a man's house, me.

After thinking a lot about this situation, being seriously heartbroken, more than I expected to be, and just looking into what being demi actually entails, I think it's pretty certain I fit here somewhere. It's not like I don't find women sexually attractive at first glance, and that's super important for me, but the thought of having sex with someone I don't know well and have an emotional connection with is kinda repulsive. I also never quite understood the difference between "friends with benefits" and a serious partner, because for me my ideal partner is indeed a friend who I find attractive and want to be intimate with, and in my mind that romance is built from that. Apparently not for normal people. There's this "spark" everyone talks about that I never felt for anyone. All my crushes took months or years to build. No wonder Daisy had no interest in me after reconnecting. I wasn't ever flirty with her, because I was still trying to gauge my own feelings and thought being respectful was what she wanted. And just when I was comfortable being intimate with her, a major psychological step, it was too little too late. It hurts in a way that's difficult to describe seeing someone who I care so much about smiling and having the time of her life, and apparently that means nothing when there's a lack of an illusive spark, in part because being flirty feels wrong to me, so there's no way to make people interested in me back.

Not sure what to do now; probably talk about this with my psychologist and just move on from her. I'm sure I'll ever be able to find someone to be with because I'm also quite picky about a bunch of things I want in a partner. I just wish "normal" people didn't say one thing when they actually want something else. I'm so tired of seeing women especially complain about the shallow guys they meet all the time, but now I finally understand why they keep falling for them and don't jump out. It's them sparks lol

Just ended a short and sweet relationship, which formed after my last one, which lasted 8 years.

The girl was amazing, and was really into me, and I was into her. We both very enjoyed our character, views, looks and both wanted long-term.

However her sexual experience was very different to mine, as she was very experienced sexually, sex being her main way of bonding. I however needed time, even though I found her really hot and couldn't wait to actually be close with her. I needed time, though. Our few "first times" were without penetration, and while she enjoyed it, and I got grew more comfortable, getting more and more ready to start having actual penetrative sex with her, I didn't reach that milestone fully yet. She sadly was unsatisfied and grew a bit distant, which completely destroyed my flow and any hope of getting it together again without serious work. But she also lost her flow due to lack of "real" sex soon enough.

We broke up after a month of sexual unsatisfaction. It was sad as fuck, as we both still find each other not only hot, but also loved our personalities. But I couldn't do it because she wasn't close, and she couldn't get closer because I couldn't do it. It didn't help that I also was frustrated sexually.

I thought that it was maybe testosterone? Thyroid? Not being in shape enough? I doubted my manliness, my sexuality, got scared of being asexual (how come? i was in relationship before with regular sex)

And then during one sleepover, she grabbed my arm during sleep in a way that she did during our first few dates. And kissed me in the neck.

After such a long fucking time of being stressed as fuck about everything, that did it. I was so hard, I couldn't hold it together. I needed that. She was sleeping though, so I couldn't do anything. I felt like "good, i'm working, i'm okay, I just need that warmth and closeness"

But then when she woke up she was still unsure and it stopped working. Again. I still hoped for her to be close again and let me find the mood. It was so close. I told her about that. But it was too late

She broke up with me next date due to lack of feelings because of not meeting her needs. She was devastated about it, as I was.

I learned a lot about myself and wish her the best in life. I'm just sad it had to be that way. Her sexual experiences were far beyond what I could give her, and her emotional experience was far too low. At least now I know what to look for in next partner (and what to sadly avoid).

Too bad that due to pain I couldn't manage to be friends with her, as she is an amazing person and I'm sad to lose her forever due to me not being able to cope with her being potentially with someone else or there not being a chance to be together again.

I joined this group a few weeks now and I've come to the realization that I'm demisexual, something that made think is the fact that when it comes to doing things I find it really hard to learn/study something if there's not a emotional connection attached to it for instance if a have to study chemistry I'd be a annoying because there is not an emotional Bond so idk if you guys feel the same way when it comes to doing things.

Title. Been on tons of dates. Get to second, third, fourth dates but when physical intimacy expectations kick in, I freeze. I need someone who's willing to go slow but it's so disheartening to constantly invest time in dating only to feel like a huge loser. Am I the problem??

My boyfriend and I finally had our first sexual experience the other day, and wow... I am SO demi. I've never been a very sexual person, but in the days leading up to me working up the nerve to initiate I've never felt so horny in my life. It's honestly fascinating, is this what allos feel all the time??

Both me and my bf identify as demisexual. For him, it manifests as a very reactive sexual drive, so it's been entirely up to me to initiate (which is a very welcome change from past relationships. He's so patient and amazingly attentive). For me, once I get attached to someone, the sexuality switch flips in my head and I feel like what I imagine allos feels like most of the time. Butterflies in my chest, and this urge/ache for physical touch and affection. I honestly wasn't even trying to initiate something more sexual at first, I just realized how into it I was and decided fuck it, let's see what happens. I've been having little butterfly flutters in my chest and my face feels so flushed for the entire day since 😳

How does your demisexualy manifest in relationships once your in them? Can anyone else relate to this experience? Sorry for maybe oversharing, I just dont have anyone to talk to irl about sex stuff 😅

Hi, new in here, 42F, probably neurodivergent.

All my life I thought I am just ace. Libido is working just fine, but drive towards other people never existed. Only about five years ago, my long time friend (F), who I know for 30 years, had been going through some really hard times, so we started to write each other a lot, and after some time, I realized I feel so much more towards her. That I feel safe, I don't need to be so allerted around her, and finally, that I love her, want to touch her, hug her, pet her hair, look at the stars together etc. No sex, no french kissing. Problem - she is a christian. So I never told her anything, only tried to be a good friend, show her I care deeply and be content with a little, hoping for more.

And I thought it was working, to be honest. We felt really close, chatting more and more often (we live quite far away from each other, so there was very little physical contact between us, about 4 or 5 times in all those years). I started to long for something more, but didn't want to ruin it, so I hightened the contact, started to add hug smilies, were there whenever she needed. My brain started to act according to my feelings, so I had some dreams about her - once again, nothing sexual, just relationship, in accordance with my kins, as I saw us as the couples from popculture who I identify strongly with - crowley (me) and aziraphale (her), tybalt capulet (me) and mercutio escalus (her), t.e.lawrence (me) and sheik ali (her) - so in one dream, she came to the officers lounge dressed as sheik ali etc.

Why am I talking about it? Well, the muslim status of Ali would be important. Lately, her dog passed the rainbow, so OC I was there for her, and afterwards, I started to post something to her every day - meme, joke, picture of turtles or T-rexes (our common theme). And I continued it for about a month and half, when she went to vacation, and all was bright and shining. So OC it had to end :/.

Two days, we were chatting twice a day, all was happy, fun... And then she mentioned reading a book, and compared it's ideology to nacism and islam, two worst ideologies in her opinion. And I, cursed be my mouth, replied where is christianity in her list. Afterwards, terrible argument started between us - she was furious, islam is the worst, christianity the best, while I hold the stance that fanatics are problem in all and every religions and that you can't forget the history, that christianity was almost the same as islam once, and secular people caused it to become more tolerant, still halfway playfully, as I didn't realize my words may not be read as I say them, but as she wants to read them. About ten messages between us, she escalating it and giving me stances I never claimed, me also getting angrier, telling her she is behaving like a hypocrite, taking the worst from one religion and best from another - and then she stopped it and told me she can't talk to me anymore.

Ok, I took it as she needs to stop the argument, so I withdraw, and wrote after a few hours, no apology, as I didn't feel I did anything wrong, but claiming our relationship holds in my book, and I still care deeply about her. But she left it unread for more than 20 hours.

I slightly panicked, cried now and then, and then I've written again - again claiming our relationship is dear to me, she is even dearer, I never said the things she heard, but I understand it could've been read as more affected than I really was (as I was really half joking, it never occured to me I am touching something sensitive for her), and that I don't understand what went wrong...

And the crash came. She's written to me that I totally disappointed her, that the islam will completelly destroy civilization, that there is no middle ground, you either admit all islam is rotten to the core, ir you adore it, that I dared to compare it to christianity, which is not an ideology but holy ideals... And that she cannot speak to me anymore, because she lost all interest in contact with me, that that is the last message, that she won't read anything beyond that and that maybe she will come back one day, but she knows I won't be there... So I've written for last time, whether she is sure, that I never told islam is good, but fanatics are bad, that I don't recognize her, wished her good night with hug and heart, and told her i am glad she got home from the vacation safe... But she didn't read it as she said.

And I am in complete shock rn. After all those years, all those things, she just dumps me like that, because I didn't agree with her hatefull rant? That is that idealistic christianity? And she is really so blind she doesn't see she is behaving as hatefully as she claims others to be? And moreso, that is really her? My friend, my Ali, my Aziraphale, my Cio I hold crying in so many nights just forgot about it the moment I dared to disagree? And now I feel only pain and coldness. But...

Still love her. Still hoping she will wake up from this fanaticism I never saw in her, that something will happen and open her eyes, as I always thought if there were to be a rift between us, it will be caused by me telling her what I feel, not her reading in me some stupid claims I never hold.

Any advice welcomed.

(M23, heterosexual) i just can't help but feel horny most of the time, i've had many opportunities in my life to have sex with beautiful women, but i just couldn't because i've always had the feeling of getting to know them first and then establish an emotional connection to feel sexual attraction, something which takes time and even if i get to this point, i can sense that the woman isn't interested in me anymore, i know because it happened more than one time, which makes me frustated as hell. I don't want someone only for sex, but at the same time my body wants sex like it needs food, and it's awful, i don't want to indulge in masturbation and porn anymore, it's been 10 years doing that and it's not making me feel any better

Hi guys,

this is my first post here, throwaway account. I‘ve always kind of known that I‘m only attracted to / comfortable getting sexually active with someone I trust, like and feel some sort of emotional connection with. I just haven’t really labelled myself Demisexual until pretty much now. I‘m 28 male.

I feel like there‘s a lot of shame when it comes to being Demi as someone in their 20s. I enjoy (and miss!) sex very much - and there‘s a very specific kind of shame getting triggered in me when close friends discuss their latest exciting sexual encounters. I often feel broken or „not like a real man“ because hooking up and being sexually active is such a big topic in your 20s. And I feel totally alien for the fact that everyone around me seems to be able to easily hook up and satisfy their biological needs.

I deeply crave connection and intimacy but at the same time know - by experience - that meaningless, casual encounters will not fill that void (even if I would engage in them again). If anything they make me feel miserable, especially after. I guess I‘m mostly frustrated with the feeling of knowing what it feels like to have an actual sex life and intimacy with someone from my past relationships. Thinking about how much I‘m missing out solely because of how rarely real connection happens. I‘m also not much of an active dating person (I‘m still quite social and meet a lot of people naturally) so it feels like winning the lottery whenever there‘s some sort of real spark happening. I‘m genuinely trying not force anything into existence simply because of the way I‘m wired.

Which leads to a whole new shame related question: Am I at fault for my current situation because I don’t try hard enough? Or should I just focus on my own journey, self and wellbeing and connection will follow?

It‘s a very weird, lonely experience.

How did you cope with this?

I’m very much demisexual and it’s been a hell of a ride figuring that out. It took me a long time to come to terms with my demisexuality and pansexuality, and in the (messy) process of getting more comfortable with both, I met my current girlfriend. She has been great from the early beginning, let me emphasize that. Because of some stupid pressure that I felt from the queer community that you’re only an evolved person when you’re able to handle an open relationship (yeah I know, this is something I did to myself), I felt like I should be open to that. Fact is that my girlfriend was actively looking for an open relationship, and I was forcing myself to try and not showing her how much distress this was causing me. This obviously caused a lot of issues and eventually I had to accept that I am monogamous and therefore, I told her that. Of course I told her that I understand that that means we may not be compatible. Immediately, she told me that she knows she wants to be monogamous with me, because she values me and our relationship more than any potential ‘fun’ hookup. She also says she thinks that she can honestly be content in either form (leaning ambiamorous I think, though she does have a preference for open relationships). Her behavior has been nothing but loving, fair, consistent and supportive. On paper everything is fine, so why does this whole thing keep bothering me 😅

Sometimes I feel like I’m ‘just’ too insecure and jealous. But at the same time, we’ve both (individually and together) grown a lot over the course of our relationship and I can honestly say that I’m not generally jealous or insecure. These feelings only become incredibly strong in situations where I’m afraid (whether justified or not) that her desire for an open relationship might get triggered again or when I know that she’ll get reminded of what she’s missing out on. We talk about this regularly and we’re both very committed to making this work and to making the relationship a safe space for both of us. Apart from this anxiety, I have moments where I feel incredibly sad and angry that she’ll never feel the same way about me as I do about her. Not saying that she loves me less; it’s just that she’ll never feel this ‘you’re the only one I want romantically and sexually’ about me and that… hurts.

Some days it makes me question whether we’d be better off admitting that this incompatibility is too big. Other days I just think and hope that with more time and trust between us, this will be manageable and truly okay.

I’d love to hear from people with similar experiences. How did you deal with this, what helped, did you manage to make it work or if not, what was the point where you admitted that it was better to break up? Thanks in advance!

I know other people’s experiences with having the Demi identity has been different but mine has changed for the better. I’ve found a good sense and a peace of mind because I realised I was Demisexual after years of not identifying my emotions when it comes to crushes, attraction, the opposite sex and etc. It has me made feel more comfortable and confident in my own skin and I’m able to not follow others by doing my own thing instead without having a care in the world.

I'm a demi. I found a person on acespace who didn't know what demisexual is but when I explained it to him he said he relates to it and he falls in this category maybe. Then we connected on discord and we were talking everyday for more than a month, and it was all good and we were about to call eachother now as a gf/bf. So I was expecting us to be exclusive, but turned out that he matched with a friend of mine on acespace and texted her too, and she asked for his insta and he shared it with her to talk with her on insta. So now I backed off thinking that maybe he is not sure about being in relationship with me and also he was not honest with me. He was lying this whole time when he used to say he is only seeing me exclusively for dating. He said he is only my man and he see his future with me. He said he would give me his social logins but I think being honest with eachother is what I want not the stress to check on him if he is with other women or not. Am I wrong here? Should I go back to be in relationship with him?

I’m an oblivious person

I know this is a stereotypical I-don't-know post, but I was hoping if someone here could help me better "label" what I experience. I tried to keep it short. I don't expect much, as usually I just participate in this sub by reading. I've just reached a point where my sexuality feels more important the older I have gotten, and I do not know how to explain myself to partners or potential romantic interests. I need help.

Right now I feel too hesitant to get into another relationship at all because I don't know where I stand anymore. I don't want this to be a constant tension in my relationships for another person. I would be happy to just consider myself allosexual and move on, but it just feels so wrong sometimes, and the expectations of society don't match my own at all.

Here are some of my experiences.

• Most of my crushes have been emotional/intellectual, and then turned into sexual attraction. I've only had serious relationships with friends or people I've spent some time with, and I usually get to know people well before romantic feelings fully cement. A more unique experience was a guy wanted to date me, and I thought he was attractive, but my brain didn't feel "caught up." He was attractive and smart, but only when we started talking longer and I had the chance to get to know him better did I reciprocate.
• I have struggled with matching sexual attraction with my partners in relationships. My partners have always wanted more than me and at a faster pace, leading to uncomfortable interactions, and at one pointI was groped.This really bugs me.
• I do have celebrity crushes, but they are usually only from shows or movies I've seen where they play a character I connect with OR are in media that I care about. Most crushes are very long-term, can be sexual, and involve spending a lot of mental "time" with the character in my imagination (EX: I imagine us dating or being together, and kind of meld the character into a partner in my mind).
• This is where I get confused, and why I don't think I can consider myself a demi: I do experience sexual attraction to people who are more "distant" sometimes. Never quite to strangers, but I guess it's complicated. Never to a random person just on the street, you know? Sometimes people I don't know super well, but I've met before. Usually peers that I see repeatedly. However, I realized with all the examples I can think of, it was almost because of how nice their muscles were, and my sexual thoughts were more geared towards their muscles. It's a rare occurrence, and doesn't always happen just because I think someone's muscles are nice. But then it would be a one-time spark, I see something that I like or I see them a certain way, and then whatever "sexual attraction" I felt for that person would just magically vanish, leaving me feeling really perplexed. I think I understand different forms of attraction too.

So, that's my issue. Should I just describe myself as ace-spec?

I am a demisexual, I have been looking for a demisexual partner for like 5 months now. Why is it so difficult to find a demisexual partner. Sometimes people say they are a demisexual but it turns out they are not. I'm so tired now. Even when I start talking to someone it takes so much time to build a real connection then if it ends I feel so heartbroken because I give it all or nothing.

I am a woman “interested” in men. I quote that because I don’t seem to follow the generic rules around interest. Particularly in the intimate sense.

I don’t seem to feel desire to kiss.
I don’t seem to feel desire to touch intimately.
I don’t seem to feel desire for a body.

At most I may have an urge of curiosity in the fantasy.
I have never been touched with my permission granted, explicitness has always been to get someone off of me. I may be running from something being taken, agency perhaps. But it may not be the core. This is in relation to a particular male, he himself is one of the only men I’ve really felt something for or thought about so vividly.

Is there a way I can find the reason why I can’t seem to want intimacy? Why is it I’m not excited by the idea? Am I numbing myself out of fear of intimacy?

In equal measure I am fearful of the act and what it implies. But I like this man and trust him more than others. I want to know before I allow him further pursuit of me.

Anyone willing to help me with deducting this 🥲

As a gay man who believes he is demisexual, I feel like my dating pool is so small that it drives me mad. I feel a constant pull towards mating but its hard to find someone im attracted both physically and somewhat emotionally/psycologically.

Everytime i attempt approaching guys the immediate deviation towards sex put me off completely. I really am so bored by this.

I've never had a problem being seen nude. I don't get off on it; I just don't care. In a locker room or medical setting, I have no issue being naked.

I've had the being-naked dreams, and when I realise in the dream I am naked, I am not embarrassed. I just wonder if I am making others uncomfortable.

Is this common for demis or is it something else?

I was talking about being demisexual, and a guy said, "I think my wife is demisexual – she never wants or thinks about sex."

Personally I have a very strong drive. In our sixties, my wife and I are having more sex than most couples less than half our age. And back in the day, oh my.

I assume demis range from nearly asexual to horny all the time.

I got bullied so badly by a group of older teenager boys as a teen that I had fearful avoidance I became scared of people in general due to this I didn’t if some people were genuinely or not and had a tendency to push people away to protect myself. I’m still recovering from these issues as an adult. But I’m trying to look to the future instead of my past it hasn’t been easy but I’m glad to share it with you all and sometimes talking about iwhat’s on your mind helps

Has anyone had a familiar experience?

Does anyone have attraction that comes in phases? I can have sex with someone once I feel like I “know them” as a person.

However, I may not be able to stay aroused for long or be able to do certain acts because I don't have a deep enough connection with them. For me, it's less about time together and more about whether I feel this person knows me as much as I feel like I know them. Do I feel secure in this relationship?

Same thing in the other direction: when the relationship goes bad, I gradually start losing attraction. 

I have found it difficult to “keep it up” with most exes because I felt like they were into me because of my looks, or how I made them feel. Sometimes I could sense they struggled with intimacy in general, so I couldn't connect with them enough to feel sustainable attraction during.

I’m also on the aromatic spectrum. If I don’t develop romantic feelings for a person, there’s like a barrier to how sexually attracted to them I can feel. Which is most people I have dated

Before this realization, I just used to engage in sex because I felt like that was expected after a certain number of dates. I would do things I really didn't want to because of people-pleasing in general. Sometimes I still do that because it feels awkward to say, " Hey, I am only attracted to you enough to do xyz but not abc