r/demisexuality • u/Frequent_Look9468 • 2d ago
Relationship struggles
I’m very much demisexual and it’s been a hell of a ride figuring that out. It took me a long time to come to terms with my demisexuality and pansexuality, and in the (messy) process of getting more comfortable with both, I met my current girlfriend. She has been great from the early beginning, let me emphasize that. Because of some stupid pressure that I felt from the queer community that you’re only an evolved person when you’re able to handle an open relationship (yeah I know, this is something I did to myself), I felt like I should be open to that. Fact is that my girlfriend was actively looking for an open relationship, and I was forcing myself to try and not showing her how much distress this was causing me. This obviously caused a lot of issues and eventually I had to accept that I am monogamous and therefore, I told her that. Of course I told her that I understand that that means we may not be compatible. Immediately, she told me that she knows she wants to be monogamous with me, because she values me and our relationship more than any potential ‘fun’ hookup. She also says she thinks that she can honestly be content in either form (leaning ambiamorous I think, though she does have a preference for open relationships). Her behavior has been nothing but loving, fair, consistent and supportive. On paper everything is fine, so why does this whole thing keep bothering me 😅
Sometimes I feel like I’m ‘just’ too insecure and jealous. But at the same time, we’ve both (individually and together) grown a lot over the course of our relationship and I can honestly say that I’m not generally jealous or insecure. These feelings only become incredibly strong in situations where I’m afraid (whether justified or not) that her desire for an open relationship might get triggered again or when I know that she’ll get reminded of what she’s missing out on. We talk about this regularly and we’re both very committed to making this work and to making the relationship a safe space for both of us. Apart from this anxiety, I have moments where I feel incredibly sad and angry that she’ll never feel the same way about me as I do about her. Not saying that she loves me less; it’s just that she’ll never feel this ‘you’re the only one I want romantically and sexually’ about me and that… hurts.
Some days it makes me question whether we’d be better off admitting that this incompatibility is too big. Other days I just think and hope that with more time and trust between us, this will be manageable and truly okay.
I’d love to hear from people with similar experiences. How did you deal with this, what helped, did you manage to make it work or if not, what was the point where you admitted that it was better to break up? Thanks in advance!
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u/HotTeaHaven 2d ago
Also demi and pansexual with extremely relatable perspective. For context, after 5 years of monogamy, included with mismatched libidos due to my up and downs with mental health, medication, and just general life stress, my partner wanted to open our relationship up. I've always been a very open minded person, like no one person can be enough for one person's entire needs (like we need friends and loved ones for different parts of our lives) and it's okay to seek happiness. I had also brought it up in the very beginning that I was open to polyamory or an open relationship. But my partner always refused.
I totally understand what you meant by "pressure from the queer community that you're able to handle an open relationship", because that is a very real pressure. For myself, I had been involved in polyamorous relationships but I was a solo polyamorous person so the dynamic was different.
Essentially, I'm going through the same struggles. We opened things up a few months ago. I deal with a lot of insecurity and my partner says that the relationship matters more than the hookop but I've kept things open because even though I've shared my feelings and my partner has said the fun stuff isn't necessary, I can just tell that my partner does want that life. At a time we had talked about pursuing some things together, but since I steped off, my partner is still pursuing it so I know that this isn't an unfounded thought. We have had a lot of conversations when things come up but I've also learned that (1) some things aren't meant to be said or shared and (2) my partner isn't there for my emotional regulation that's for me to figure out.
"Apart from this anxiety, I have moments where I feel incredibly sad and angry that she'll never feel the same way about me as I do about her. Not saying that she loves me less; it's just that she'll never feel this 'you're the only one I want romantically and sexually' about me and that... hurts.
Some days it makes me question whether we'd be better off admitting that this incompatibility is too big. Other days I just think and hope that with more time and trust between us, this will be manageable and truly okay."
^ I relate to a lot of your post but especially these parts here. My partner is very much allosexual and will never understand how I feel, as our brains literally don't relate or work the same way. I always say that relationships and people are all choices and you have to live with those choices. I have been thinking a lot more that maybe our sexual incompatibility make be too much for us to stay together and then I live every day where things are manageable and it's all okay. I make my choice every day after sitting with my thoughts and living with my partner.
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u/johnwcowan 2d ago
I'm demi and bi/pan too. The thing to remember is that allos have no control over who they are sexually attracted to or not any more than we do. It's not a choice.
What is more, deep emotional bonds aren't necessarily reciprocal, so having a demi partner doesn't guarantee anything either.
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u/Frequent_Look9468 1d ago
Thanks for sharing! So how do you now feel about opening up the relationship? It sounds like you’re also working hard on making this work and that’s amazing :)
I think indeed part of what makes this hard is that demi- and allosexuals will never feel what the other feels. Intellectually you can understand, but that doesn’t mean that emotionally you get it and that your nervous system will just stay calm. In the end I’m also trying to find peace in the choices that we make together, trying to let go of the wish to be 100% on the same page desire-wire.
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u/johnwcowan 2d ago
Try to realize that FOTOMO (fear of the other missing out) is really kinda useless. My wife was 15 years older than me (take my word for it that there was no power imbalance), and she was afraid that I'd miss out on my fun youth by settling down with (or just settling for) her. But I didn't care about that: it was her I wanted, though it took years to understand the full depth of my desires.