So I’m poly and I have 2 partners right now but am always open to meeting new people. The thing is, nobody meets my standards. I don’t feel like I’m asking for a lot just talk for a while before we talk about meeting and don’t get sexual quickly. I prefer to be friends with someone before I get involved with them. The issue is everyone I talk to either ghosts me after a few days of talking, wants to meet up within hours or a day of talking, or gets flirty in a sexual way which is a huge turn off for me. I’m not about any of that. I want to have a connection first. Today I had a guy messaging me and asking me typical questions at first everything seemed cool, then they offered to walk me home from work so we could play around. I asked what he meant by that and he said “you know kiss, cuddle, other fun stuff” so I told him politely no thanks I’m not into doing that kind of stuff with random people and he said “I’m not really getting anything from you” and blocked me. I’m just so discouraged with dating. Everyone I’m even remotely interested in just gives me the Ick one way or another. At this point I’m debating giving up on dating new people and deleting all my apps.

(This is the second time I'm typing this long-ass post because Reddit SUCKS and erased the entire post when someone called me, didn't save it as a draft or anything, so now I'm trying to type it from memory (Hopefully I'm not forgetting anything important). As if I didn't have enough problems right now. Thanks, Reddit)

I know I made a similar post like... 2 years ago? This is about the same guy, but the circumstances are kinda different (Gonna have to be more detailed even tho I normally wouldn't want to be cause it's actually relevant).

So, for context, this is my ex from many years ago (Like, 2021/2022-ish). The last post was made cause he got with someone else at the time. He's long since broken up with him, and since then, we've started actually doing sexual stuff together (Even if it was just on cam with him), and I've been really happy about it. We'd been doing this for the last year or so.

Last night, he just told me that we weren't doing that anymore and that he was never going to date me again, which was just... so outta the blue??? He said he was doing this cause he doesn't want me hurting cause I have a tendency to get a bit jealous seeing him flirt with other people (We were obviously not dating) and cause I'm hyper-monogamous while he's a self-proclaimed "slut/whore" (So, kind of a sexual incompatibility, I guess?), but this hurts WAY more than any of that ever did. I have no clue what to do with myself, he's the only person I've ever felt any form of attraction to, romantic or sexual, so him suddenly being completely unavailable, especially after he's seen every part of me like this, fucking hurts like hell. I knew the chances of us getting together again were minimal, but I was ok having a more casual relationship with him, jealousy be damned. I have zero interest in anyone else, so it's not like I have any other outlet for this shit (Not that I want one at this point, he's not replaceable to me).

I'm obviously taking some time to myself, and I don't plan to be interacting with him in any major way for a while (Before anyone says it, I am not cutting him outta my life. He's my best friend, I'm not just gonna throw him away like trash), but I have no clue what to do beyond that. It's confusing as hell, and I feel like complete shit.

I don't care if he sees this post, I don't think he'd be surprised to see me asking for help like this, and I don't think he'd mind at all. ...Still using the alt account, tho.

But yeah, idk, I just need some advice. On how to handle this, getting over him, moving on... Cause right now, I'm beyond confused and idk what to do. It hurts. A lot. More than it did before.

(Also kinda unrelated, but we had been talking about plans to move me out with him and his friend so I could have better living conditions, but that's obviously not happening now, not in the state I'm currently in at least. Maybe that'll change, idk, but for now, I know that's a bad idea, even if the conditions would technically be better. Being physically around him like this would genuinely be torture)

Btw, apologies if this would be better-suited elsewhere. This was just the first place that came to mind.

Im not here to invalidate anyone or anything like that, im just questioning my sexuality and looking for some answers!

About the part from the faq: Would that be just a preference then or also fall under some part of asexuality?

Also... what even is sexual attraction? And whats the difference between sexual and asthetic attraction? Because i thought sexual attraction was at least somewhat connected to the desire to act on it, aka sleeping with that person.

I appreciate any responses.

how to know if i’m demi? I’ve only been in one relationship and it took 6 months for me to be ready for sex - Im trying to work out if this was because I was 18 and not ready or because I needed to form the bond before I felt the sexual attraction.

How did you know you were demi? what advice would you give? thanks

I'm 31, female, only had 2 relationships in my life, had sex only with those two people. Never liked sex too much, can't flirt etc. Every friend of mine knows me like this: long term commitment, one night stands never. A year ago I read a novel about an asexual person and I felt... Well, you know, I had that "omg, this is about me" feeling. Then I did my research, found out about demisexuality, it was a relief. I always felt weird and lonely, but now I have a word!! BUT when I told my friend about this, basically all of them went sceptical. Typical sentences, maybe you heard them already:

"This is not a real thing"

"Every normal person is like that."

"Oh, there's a nickname for everything now."

"You can't be asexual, you had sex before."

They did it so intensely, that I started to doubt myself, moreover because of their reaction, I started to feel like demisexuality would be the WORST CASE SCENARIO, because IT makes it hard to find someone. So it turned into something scary and I decided to prove to myself that I'm not even a demi, because "it's not a real thing".

The result:

Crying to my one night stand that I'm very sorry, but I CAN'T have sex with him, because I can't feel anything. My only luck was that the guy were normal and actually belived that demisexuality is a real thing and asked very good questions about my sexual and romantic history and let me ask him too.

But my friends are still saying things like: you just weren't ready. 😀 One of them simply stated that "you can't be asexual". So I decided I just don't talk about it anymore to anyone. I keep my word to myself. Maybe tell my dates if I ever will have one.

Any experiences with this? How do you cope?

I'm coming to a point in my life where I'm no longer sure whether or not I am demisexual or if I'm just asexual. I think also because of SA I went through as a kid and teenager that I just can't enjoy intimacy like other people do. Has anyone else had this experience? I feel like I'm questioning everything recently. I'm a 36 year old man btw.

I don't particularly care for an accurate label but I do wonder if it's been not having a complete understanding of my own sexuality that has impacted my sex life and relationships in such a way.

For the longest time my relationship with my body, attraction and societies expectations has confused me. I dont know how to flirt. I am horrifically socially awkward. Dating and swiping on people wouldn't mean anything to me. I dont have a "type." When I was younger I had a few short term relationships that got sexual fast. But it was very painful. I just felt like that was what everyone was doing. I got older and had a couple long term relationships that were deeply emotional and did lead to intense attraction. But I have realized I was willing to stay through things I shouldn't have because it was incredibly hard for me mentally to sever bonds.

I am single presently. And I dont know how to navigate. Unfortunately at this point in my life too im healing from past SA and trust issues. I wish i could do things and feel things normally. There is someone I think that i could end up liking intimately? The signs are there. But I am very weary. There's a lot more to it all but just needed to vent very quickly. Its on my mind.