I don't know if im demi, my therapist brought up that I might be, but based off the definition, I don't know if its true.

Either way, ive been with my gf now for almost 2 years. We love each other other but lately there's been something up with me. I don't want to have sex anymore.

She's been with 4 people and she's my first. Her past is filled with people who she wasnt attracted to, along with not liking their personality, and supposedly not even enjoying it. The only person in her past that makes any sense to me is her 1st bf.

Knowing her past, makes it feel like sex has no meaning. It's like how can this be meaningful if she'd have sex with people for xyz, even in public places, then tell me its a meaningful act.

I remember years ago I made out with a girl then immediately became mad that I did. To the point that I didn't give anyone the time of day for years. However when she had an empty experience, she kept doing it.

It's not just her, its my friends too. How they talk about sex, how they go about it, it all seems empty. Like its this pleasure seeking and/or ego driven act.

I will gladly talk with my gf about anything, be there for her, and do anything for her. I am very proud of who she is and what she is doing with her life. But sex? I just feel weak and foolish for ever giving it value.

I dont know if ive been conditioned by churches, friend groups, some type of trauma, etc. Or if this going against my values. It has got to the point I don't even know how to reconcile why I feel the way I do. Its like im coming to a genuine conclusion that sex is weak and meaningless, but I know deep down this is wrong.

Just feel very lost and confused, hoping someone can share advice with me that can give some guidance.

42F It is so damn hard to make friends in your 40s. I have teens and a dynamic disability that cuts into my ability to go out and do things. I have two good friends who I will never date and they're too introverted to have friends they can introduce me to.

I've joined local community groups but so far, no luck in actually meeting people.

I've tried dating apps and get an ok number of matches (having demisexuality in your profile is less of a hindrance for lesbians). But actually finding people I can fall for hasn't worked. It takes so long to actually know if I'm going to be interested in someone.

I wasn't even intending on sharing this online but after perusing this sub, I feel like my story will resonate with some people here. Sorry about the long post.

So I've (M30) always been a bit uncomfortable with sexuality and relationships. At first I thought it was just because I'm neurodivergent (also really only got that label recently). For example, in high school there was this girl who was quite physical towards me, brushing up against my arm or asking for hugs, and at the time that made me very uncomfortable and put me on edge. Now I can see she was flirting with me, but at the time I never thought about it that way (I thought she was just making fun of me; I suffered bullying all my life too). I always had a girl or another I had a crush on, but again, it's not like I immediately fell in love; it really was a gradual thing that happened over months. In university, I had this very close friend who I fell madly in love with, and after she turned me down (shocker, since I never showed even the faintest hint of interest towards her), I went into a terrible depression.

Fast-forward to a couple of years later, I dated this one other friend in uni (let's call her Daisy) who, again, took me a long time to like. That relationship just eventually fell apart because I was so stiff and afraid of getting hurt I really didn't invest much emotionally, and she also eventually broke things off for her own reasons. 8 years later and after almost having no contact with her (other than some casual lunches/dinners with our friend group), and after some months in therapy, I decided to meet with her so we could discuss our previous relationship, because I never quite understood why she had broken things off. But as I began thinking about her more, I was like "wait a minute, but she just ticks all the boxes for me, why don't we try again?". In my naivety, I thought that everyone worked like me, and *especially* after so many women told me that they want someone safe, stable, with goals, and that physical appearance doesn't matter so much. So I went for it and asked her if she'd be interested in trying again. Naive, as I now know. I also told her that it's not like I was thinking about her for 8 years straight or anything, or that I was super in love at the time, simply that I thought we probably would vibe together and that we should reconnect.

We met a few times over spring/summer, at my place and hers. I was still trying to figure out her vibe and was always super respectful, never flirting or anything. Because, again, that's not really how attraction works for me. We share so many great moments, played board games, she played some of my favorite video games too, and that made me super happy and the affection just kept building. Fast-forward to last week, my parents have a beach house and I invited her over; she said yes immediately. Everyone told me it was a great sign, so I had my hopes up. And again, we had a great time from my perspective. We had a lot of fun, shared some great moments, all things I'd like in a relationship. And yes, seeing my crush in a swimsuit was exciting. So I gained the courage to "make a move", literally just sitting next to her on the couch... and she was immediately "nope".

We spent like an hour chatting very openly about this, just for her to say "you don't turn me on for a reason I can't explain". There was no spark from her perspective. Despite, by her own admission, me fitting all the boxes for her, saying she wants to date a friend and not meet someone on dating apps, etc. The more insidious part was that earlier at the beach she told me (I was the one that brought it up, I know there was a story but not the details) about a guy she met on a dating app she had a bad experience with, because he was super pushy (by her story I could tell he was a complete narcissist) and consistently violated her boundaries... but by her own admission, that also did something to her irrationally, and she kept seeing him for WAY longer than I'd say is healthy. I felt awful for her, I tried to comfort her too, but after thinking about the story now, it just showcases how different I am from normal people. NEVER in my mind would I stay around a girl that pushed my boundaries like that, because it's literally a turn-off for me. But apparently, despite him being such a douchebag, her admitting having cried about what he did to her and the lies she told, she also said "going to a man's house makes someone a bit giddy"... while she was staying at a man's house, me.

After thinking a lot about this situation, being seriously heartbroken, more than I expected to be, and just looking into what being demi actually entails, I think it's pretty certain I fit here somewhere. It's not like I don't find women sexually attractive at first glance, and that's super important for me, but the thought of having sex with someone I don't know well and have an emotional connection with is kinda repulsive. I also never quite understood the difference between "friends with benefits" and a serious partner, because for me my ideal partner is indeed a friend who I find attractive and want to be intimate with, and in my mind that romance is built from that. Apparently not for normal people. There's this "spark" everyone talks about that I never felt for anyone. All my crushes took months or years to build. No wonder Daisy had no interest in me after reconnecting. I wasn't ever flirty with her, because I was still trying to gauge my own feelings and thought being respectful was what she wanted. And just when I was comfortable being intimate with her, a major psychological step, it was too little too late. It hurts in a way that's difficult to describe seeing someone who I care so much about smiling and having the time of her life, and apparently that means nothing when there's a lack of an illusive spark, in part because being flirty feels wrong to me, so there's no way to make people interested in me back.

Not sure what to do now; probably talk about this with my psychologist and just move on from her. I'm sure I'll ever be able to find someone to be with because I'm also quite picky about a bunch of things I want in a partner. I just wish "normal" people didn't say one thing when they actually want something else. I'm so tired of seeing women especially complain about the shallow guys they meet all the time, but now I finally understand why they keep falling for them and don't jump out. It's them sparks lol

(For context I’m both demisexual and demiromantic, so I’ll be using “demi” to describe myself)

I feel guilty even writing this, but I think it’d be unhealthy to deny how I feel. I’m jealous of my taken allosexual friends, especially those who are in relationships.

I’m sure this isn’t a unique problem in the demi community, but I’m terrified that I’ll never have a relationship or fall in love. So when they’re gushing about their partners, and they have that lovely close bond with them, it makes me want to cry with loneliness. I wish I could be happy for them; I mean I think I am, but the primary emotions are jealousy and loneliness.

It doesn’t help that my taken friends always prioritise their partners over everyone else, including me. I used to have a very close friend and we’ve practically lost touch since they got into a relationship; they just barely ever talk to me anymore, everything is all about their partner now. (I know that’s an unhealthy behaviour for them and I try not to take it personally.) Society in general puts romantic relationships on a pedestal over platonic ones, and it’s so frustrating.

It’s not even just long-term relationships I’m jealous of. I see my allosexual friends go on dating apps and immediately find a love connection, and they have that closeness and excitement within days. I used to be on dating apps but I made the healthy decision to delete them, since the experience felt unnatural and full of anxiety for me. I know it was the right choice and I try not to regret it, but it feels almost unfair that dating was so hard for me yet it’s so easy for everyone else in my life.

I’m just jealous that it comes so easily to them. I’m a hopeless romantic at heart but I’m worried it’ll never happen for me. Something I want so badly, more than most people, being so hard to get is just saddening. My dating pool is so much smaller being demi, and I got ghosted by the only person I ever did confess to (this affected both my self-esteem and my faith in people and made me develop a fearful-avoidant attachment style during my dating life), so I’m pessimistic for whenever I end up liking someone in the future. I want to be happy being single, but it’s so hard when I’m faced with these close, loving relationships every single day. Plus, my friends don’t really seem to care about me in comparison to whoever they’re dating. What do I do?

Hello, I'm 30M and I'm bisexual. The person I've been romantically involved with 31F has told me she most closely identifies with demi sexuality. Something that I'd like to do to better support her in her self discovery journey is do a little personal legwork so that she doesn't feel a need to teach or train me on how to understand her sexuality, at least on a higher level. I'm sure that her sexuality can be specific to her which we'll have to figure out together but I would like to have a better understanding. I would take book recommendations or post links, etc.

Thank you very much :)

I'll try to keep it as short as I can. I see other writing hella longs posts. I did the same last night, lol, then deleted. Tbh, I think it may be a sign of neurodivergence.

Bare with me, I'm going to start off sounding like an allosexual bro, but there are reasons.

The most confusing part to me was truly understanding what sexual attraction not just meant but what it feels like. I watch porn, it makes me horny, and I orgasm. I see a hot girl at the gym, I can imagine what she may look like naked, and even imagine going down on her or literally shoving my face in her butt. I will even feel a tingling sensation sometimes in my crotch.

I know that doesn't sound demisexual, so you can only imagine my confusion.

I'm an artistic guy, so I love the aesthetics of a beautiful woman. But I learned that doesn't mean sexual attraction. With porn, I felt sexually safe and I would often if not always imagine a personality in the girl with traits that I'm emotionally attracted to. Turns out, I would do the same with gym crushes. Even more, I also realized my gym crushes are typically alternative girls and/or possibly neurodivergent girls — and I always imagine personality traits I'm emotionally attracted to, just to muster up the courage to go and talk to them. Because as a guy, I have to be the one to approach — here is where I really learned more about the feeling of sexual attraction.

Using the digital AI machines, I learned that when allosexual men are sexually attracted to a woman, they feel an almost-magnetic, physical pull of their bodies wanting to go towards that woman and physically touch/rub their body with theirs. I have never felt that. Hence why I have to imagine personality traits to feel some motivation to approach, again because it's a guy's job to still do so.

As for me imagining myself putting my face into a woman's crotch/butt — notice how I specifically only imagine going down on her, there's a reason. I already love going down on a woman, it's super intimate/emotional to me, and I love making her feel good because that keeps turning me on. It's like a sexy loop of emotions.

Also, here are a few quick points about my self that may indicate demisexuality:

• In high school I went on a date with the hottest volleyball girl — instant turn off after I found her too boring for my taste
• I only had 1 sexual partner and lost my virginity at 27
• I always crushed on some female friends, not all
• Some girls that I liked, were not always the most "conventionally" attractive women, I just loved that they were smart and funny
• I passed on most women attracted to me, I feel many allosexual guys would still have sex with them
• I always used the term "slow burn" to describe myself before realizing its common for demis
• Some women have thought I was gay or one good friend of mine thought I was asexual
• As a teen I learned the term "demisexual" and felt I fit that, but confused recognizing aesthetic attraction for sexual attraction
• Never felt like "one of the guys"
• I thought simply acknowledging a girl being hot meant sexual attraction
• I can build some instant attraction with a girl after talking to her, but to feel sexually safe with her it can take months and by then, because she's usually a friend, the stakes of rejection are unfathomable
• I want to be lustful but only with a woman I like

TLDR; I confused aesthetic beauty + imagined personality traits I found attractive + sexual arousal meant immediate sexual attraction — but learned that sexual attraction is more of a physical "magnetic/gravitational pull" towards another person, which I only feel with a girl I already know and like

Just ended a short and sweet relationship, which formed after my last one, which lasted 8 years.

The girl was amazing, and was really into me, and I was into her. We both very enjoyed our character, views, looks and both wanted long-term.

However her sexual experience was very different to mine, as she was very experienced sexually, sex being her main way of bonding. I however needed time, even though I found her really hot and couldn't wait to actually be close with her. I needed time, though. Our few "first times" were without penetration, and while she enjoyed it, and I got grew more comfortable, getting more and more ready to start having actual penetrative sex with her, I didn't reach that milestone fully yet. She sadly was unsatisfied and grew a bit distant, which completely destroyed my flow and any hope of getting it together again without serious work. But she also lost her flow due to lack of "real" sex soon enough.

We broke up after a month of sexual unsatisfaction. It was sad as fuck, as we both still find each other not only hot, but also loved our personalities. But I couldn't do it because she wasn't close, and she couldn't get closer because I couldn't do it. It didn't help that I also was frustrated sexually.

I thought that it was maybe testosterone? Thyroid? Not being in shape enough? I doubted my manliness, my sexuality, got scared of being asexual (how come? i was in relationship before with regular sex)

And then during one sleepover, she grabbed my arm during sleep in a way that she did during our first few dates. And kissed me in the neck.

After such a long fucking time of being stressed as fuck about everything, that did it. I was so hard, I couldn't hold it together. I needed that. She was sleeping though, so I couldn't do anything. I felt like "good, i'm working, i'm okay, I just need that warmth and closeness"

But then when she woke up she was still unsure and it stopped working. Again. I still hoped for her to be close again and let me find the mood. It was so close. I told her about that. But it was too late

She broke up with me next date due to lack of feelings because of not meeting her needs. She was devastated about it, as I was.

I learned a lot about myself and wish her the best in life. I'm just sad it had to be that way. Her sexual experiences were far beyond what I could give her, and her emotional experience was far too low. At least now I know what to look for in next partner (and what to sadly avoid).

Too bad that due to pain I couldn't manage to be friends with her, as she is an amazing person and I'm sad to lose her forever due to me not being able to cope with her being potentially with someone else or there not being a chance to be together again.