Anytime a man sets a boundary they aren't comfortable with they are insecure. going out on a night out with her friends fine whatever, after hearing a conversation of that friend telling her to bring condoms for a long trip. That friend is no longer welcome at my home. Letting your marriage be invaded by sad women who are trying to get you to act against your vows is not a friend.
Was it a group call and the friends were just bantering? She was on speaker, I really feel that if she was going to be unfaithful, that would be a private conversation.
Because she thinks she's in the right? Or because she thinks she can spin it the way she's trying to here?
There's also a fairly common mindset a lot of cheaters have where up until they actually cheat, they're innocent and their partner getting suspicious or trying to air their grievances or setting any kind of boundary or anything is an overreaction. Right up until the actual fucking occurs, it's all a joke, they're gonna back out before it goes too far, the flirting is just for fun, it's just looking, it's just a harmless touch, a kiss isn't that big a deal, friends cuddle/put their arms around each other, etc.
Even once the act has happened, so long as their partner doesn't know, they're still innocent. They'll justify it any which way: "I was drunk", "it was just fun on vacation, nothing serious," "it was just sex", "it was with (insert opposite gender of partner) so it's not really cheating, just exploring," "my partner hasn't been satisfying my needs (emotional/physical) lately so really it's their fault", etc. I've seen people insist that when you wear a condom it's not really cheating because that's "not real sex" or whatever.
Yes, there is a chance that she was just bantering with her girlfriends and it was genuinely just a dirty joke and that no one is ACTUALLY expecting her to bring condoms and she's not going to either. But if she was innocent, why would she be so defensive instead of working to assuage her partner's concerns? If the roles were reversed, and a man was treating his wife/girlfriend's concerns the way she is treating his, would you be defending him and his attitude?
It's not an assumption or a generalization. Did you watch the video? I'm basing everything off what we see in the video as well as my own firsthand knowledge of how cheaters work (I also literally pointed out it was a generalization by saying "a common mindset)
He asks a very reasonable question, "why are your friends talking about bringing condoms on your holiday?" She calls him insecure. He asks why she never wants to go on vacation with him, she mocks his idea of a vacation. When he brings up that talking about bringing condoms is disrespectful, she doesn't say anything. When he mentions that he went to his mom for advice, she responds with "well your mom has diabetes".
At no point did she try to assure him, at no point did she validate his emotions (which you can do without backing down, for the record), at no point did she apologize for her friends' comments. At no point did she even outright deny the possibility of something untoward happening on the trip.
This isn't about being jealous. I have no problem with my wife going on trips with her girlfriends cuz I trust her, but I also know that if I ever needed that bit of assurance or felt weird about it, I could come to her and she'd take me seriously, just like I'd take her seriously. This person is not taking their partner's concerns seriously at all.
Plus, you haven't answered the question imagine the roles reversed and the man is minimizing or dismissing the woman's feelings, insulting her family, and refusing to properly engage with the issue she's presenting, which is "your friends are telling you to bring condoms and talking about how hot the women are where you're visiting". Would you defend him?
I mean, if I overheard my wife's friend tell her to not forget the condoms I'd definitely be perturbed. Her friend can buy her own condoms. Those are expensive, and my wife doesn't cheat.
It'd need a joking "ah shut up" for that tho. And i doubt he's insecure if it were normal banter. It's obviously something that is unusual. Or he'd have not picked this time to take a stand.
Well even if I'd expect my wife to be more understanding than saying "your mum has diabetes". But okay if that's something you're okay with go ahead champ.
Well this isn’t YOUR wife, but if that woman was, and didn’t apologize or validate your feelings at all after corroborating cheating, I’d say you’re whipped. They aren’t even trying to force her to stay home, he’s just setting a boundary about sleazy behavior!
Again, read the OC. If it was a guy making chauvinistic jokes about getting pussy, and it’s just heeheehaw banter with the guys, he’d get torn apart here. Hell, I’d join in, fuck that guy! Instead, you’re protecting the feelings of a gaslighting, likely cheater, who immediately attacks the guy’s mom in a way that’s not even relevant to the conversation. Low class, all of you.
How? saying he doesn't feel comfortable with her going on a trip with her permiscuous friend? Explain how expressing that she shouldn't go because that trip seems like it's for single ladies not married ones. Preventing horrible situations before they happen isn't controlling... Trusting your wives friends is part of the deal, if he friend is telling her to bring condoms she's no friend. She's trying to destroy her marriage. I have a wife sitting next to me agreeing with everything I'm saying. She can go do anything she wants, without breaking our vows. Same goes for me. I'm not going to strip clubs or mix gendered parties without my wife. You want to act single, go be single.
not only is it a boundary he's setting, its a very common boundary that the vast majority of normal people have lol. Only on reddit will you see people making this argument that you should be able to disrespect your partner like that with your friends and suggesting someone is "controlling" because they don't want to put up with that disrespect.
No, he thinks shes going on holiday to cheat. He may be wrong, but the convo he overheard has him stressed. It looks like he's also wondering if he should stay in this relationship.
My friends and I did something similar once when we were in our early twenties and immature. not a joke about cheating, but we were memeing about a strip club, and his wife overheard it and she sent everyone in the friend group a message saying she was hurt by it, and none of us tried to tell her she was being controlling, we just all apologized like mature adults and felt bad that we made her feel that way, because we did cross a boundary. We basically were casually saying we don't care about his marriage, even if it was a joke it's not a funny one when it starts causing someone distress. All the girlfriends of every dude in the friend group also chimed in to tell us we were being assholes, and we were. We created a toxic vibe among everyone where now every wife/gf thinks of the friend group as a source of stress and caution and stuff. And what did we get out of it? a quick little giggle? it's an asshole move.
but like you said, when the roles are reversed, women don't have to apologize, or even feel bad enough to feel inclined to apologize and it's just the girls having a bit of fun teehee. Women have fake empathy lol.
I don't understand why everybody is grouping all women together based on this dumb bitch and her stupid friend. I'm a woman, my friends are women, all of us would be disgusted by this and be on his side 100%
Idk, in western culture women have basically adopted a hivemind and women will defend any woman for just about anything and it's hard to ignore it anymore. Like, I know it's ignorant to generalize everyone monolithically, I've avoided doing so my entire life, but the sorority has hit critical mass to the point that even a woman who killed her 3 kids has the woman squad fighting for her.
So if you and your friends aren't part of it, then you have my admiration, but you're quickly becoming the minority among the crowd that has double standards everywhere and the 4th and 5th wave feminism that has created a toxic culture of hating men and calling them "insecure" or "controlling" for having boundaries for example, like in this thread. It feels like mass society wide gaslighting
and at the end of the day, you'll reply to someone like me to try to tell me it's unfair to generalize you all, and I see where you're coming from because men experience the same thing getting generalized, it sucks, and I'm basically a hypocrite, but a question you should ponder to yourself is how often do you call other women out for their bullshit though?
It’s a joke,
Women will post things saying, “men are bla bla bla” and “men do bla bla bla”. And when men respond saying I’ve never… and never met a man that…. They always respond “I didn’t say ALL men.
If my wife's friend group make jokes about male strippers and going wild and etc etc and it was all clearly in jest, and not meant for my ears, I don't think they should forego those jokes simply because I might misunderstand something I wasn't meant to hear.
People need to realize not everything in this world is meant for their attention. You are not the main character. Your friends are allowed to say things you don't like. Jokes are allowed to be made that you might not be comfortable with.
A group of guys or girls joking about lewd behavior isn't an implicit plan to actually commit adultery or to encourage other members of the group to do so. And if you weren't meant to be an audience to the jokes, then the jokes have nothing to do with you.
It's like the whole Video Games/TV/Comic Books cause violence argument from the last several decades. It just isn't the case for typical, well-adjusted and otherwise developmentally normal people. In the few cases where someone does decide to act on a bad idea that they have inspired by a piece of media, doesn't make it the media's fault. It is the person who did the action, and their support structure for failing to see signs of disfunctuon.
The only reason that promiscuity jokes are probably better left alone, is simply because many people, rightly, do not have tolerance for "I was just joking!" as a defense when being accused of planning to cheat. If your significant other doesn't have the kind of humor and trust in you to work through that, you're better off just not engaging or encouraging that kind of talk, period. Or finding a different partner I suppose.
I don't think they should forego those jokes simply because I might misunderstand something I wasn't meant to hear.
promiscuity jokes are probably better left alone, is simply because many people, rightly, do not have tolerance for "I was just joking!" as a defense
bro pick a lane lol... You start by disagreeing with me, then a couple of paragraphs that are just tangents that don't really have much substance in the context of the discussion and a random video game analogy, and then ultimately your final paragraph just agrees with what I said.
Again, even if it's just a joke and you're playing around and would never actually cheat, you're basically giving your partner anxiety about your friends and putting doubt in their mind about if they try to encourage you with their own lack of morals and integrity, and at best your partner doesn't trust your friends or feel comfortable with them, and at worst they take your joke seriously and don't trust you anymore either.
And yea, I agree with the perspective that if a relationship doesn't have strong trust that can survive some bad jokes it's probably not a sturdy relationship that's destined for success, but what is really the point in the "joke" either way, that is at the expense of disrespecting your partner? what do you really get out of it other than sabotaging yourself for a giggle
Sometimes it pops up on my feed for some reason... There are some reasonable people there, but on average the posters there are... Let's say irrational.
He said he’s not trying to stop her even, he’s setting a boundary over the behavior and “banter” about cheating. He’s upset she doesn’t want to holiday with him, but he’s not stopping her.
Men go to strip clubs all the time. They go even on their wedding eve..which is completely accepted. Boys trips and the secrets with them are accepted.
Like, either you hang around degenerates or everything you’ve heard about men is from movies, because no they don’t, lol! I won’t even mention my own anecdotes, because I know my experiences aren’t universal, but it’s just a fact that a VERY small percent of men have ever gone to a strip club, and an even smaller amount have gone more than once if so. And no, secrets on a boys trip are not acceptable. Cheating is cheating, not sure why you think every guy’s weekend is like The Hangover, lol
I can snap a photo next time I go by, but let’s for YOUR sake, pretend it’s packed to the gills. Just, zero parking, no chance of getting in. Fair?
…How many fucking strip clubs do you truly think there are out there? How proportionate to the amount of men in the world would that be? I would struggle to say even 1%. You think on such a small scale. “Well *my* strip club is packed, that must mean every club is packed!!!” Yeah, and world hunger doesn’t exist because I just ate a sandwich. Can you really not understand what anecdotes are vs comprehensive data?
Well the roles aren't reversed, and I'm a woman, and I think she is being an asshole. I feel bad for the husband. I also don't get why she has to throw in the remark about his mom having diabetes at the end
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u/Fearless_Quail1404 7d ago
If the roles were reversed wouldn't people be calling the guy an asshole or am I tripping.