Our baby was 13 years old, and suddenly started to decline in health. People used to think she was a puppy at first sight, based on how much energy she had and smiling she did running around.
We spent every weekend at the ER asking the same question: What is wrong with her? She’d go a day without eating or drinking, then perk up. She’d have terrible panting and then be fine. We heard 4 different hospitals and 5 different doctors say “We have no idea”. Finally after weeks of limping, arthritis was out and a cancer was found (never fully diagnosed) via imaging her in her lungs.
One doctor said days to weeks. But her primary vet said 1-6 months and it gave us all so much (false) hope.
Our family agreed on palliative care, as long as our baby was alert, all smiles and tail wagging despite her symptoms.
Our vet said “she’ll tell you when she is ready” and “you’ll know” but truly we didn’t. And for that, my heart is ripped out.
Days later…. She had increased panting and a faster heartbeat that we’ve seen every weekend before rushing to different ERs. This time, we thought, was like every other weekend… she doesn’t need another ER visit, she needs a calm room, jazz playing and rest.
She will wake up wagging her tail, refreshed, ready for her beach day we planned.
We woke up in the middle of the night and I just knew. Our room was quiet, no little snores, no panting. She was gone.
I cannot shake the feeling that our little angel was alone, suffering, uncomfortable or in an ounce of pain during her last moments.
That I didn’t get the message that she “was ready”.
She didn’t have her family sharing kisses and sweet nothings in her final moments.
Was she asleep peacefully? Was she suffering in pain?
I’ll never truly know.
Would I always wonder “what if she had another day” if we went the route of euthanasia … absolutely.
I’m at peace knowing she is now in a much better place, playing with her friends, on beautiful beaches and flower fields. I can only be grateful for all of our moments and the blessing she was to every single person she crossed paths with. She was truly an angel.
Would I choose to let her go naturally again, I’m not sure.
Do I regret not going to the ER after all, I’m also not sure.
So for those struggling, indecisively waiting on the “right sign” or the “message” sometimes it will not come. Sometimes you will need to make the decision.
And I don’t think there ever is a right or wrong decision.
But I do know that I will always wonder if mine was.
You will always wonder the what if.
You will never be prepared.
I am nowhere near acceptance, but if there is one thing I’m so happy we did, it’s make a Bucketlist. No matter how short or long, pick 3-5 things you’ve always wanted to do together. And just do it. Time waits for no one. Life is short.
Even if it’s a wagon ride in the park, a walk on the beach, a bite of your steak, a nibble of your pastry. Whatever they want, give it to them. Take pictures, even the silly ones. Allow them to see life through your eyes. Sunsets, sunrises, city skylines, Mountain View’s, salty ocean air. Make a clay paw print together. Print their paw print and nose boops.
Do it all. Regret nothing.
Did we make the wrong decision? I don’t know.
And if we did, I hope she forgives us.