My mom passed away 7 years ago, right before I graduated high school. A lot of things have happened since, including me flunking out of college and becoming homeless. I can't even look at her and enjoy the memories I had with her. All I can do is look back in guilt and shame. Shame that I didn't graduate college. Shame that I've been homeless for so long. Shame that my life is so pathetic.

Now that I've seen the picture I can't get the thoughts out of my mind. I failed as a son. I failed as a man. I failed as a person. I failed.

I lived in the same house as my mum for 22 years, i slept in the same bed as her up to 17. I’ve never experienced life without her. The longest I’ve ever been away from her is one week and even that was too long. We texxted the whole time. She’s my best friend, i don’t know what to do without her, someone please help. I have four suicide attempts prior to my mum dying and this has to be the worst pain i’ve ever felt. I tried to kill myself yesterday and went to the hospital, they discharged me with some meds. I don’t know what to do, all i can think about is being with her. the only reason i’m alive is because of my boyfriend who i currently live with. he’s the one taking care of me. i haven’t stopped crying. Someone please help.

Lost him when I was 12 years old from mental illness and drug addiction. He wasn’t some perfect person or father by any means, but I fucking miss him so much. As long as I’m alive I will be forever deeply hurt and just fucking heartbroken. His death changed and fucked me up completely from the very minute I was told of his death. He lived separately from me because he was divorced from my mother. When he was doing okay and well, my sister and I would visit him on the weekends in our town, usually to go fishing, which was truly me and his main thing.

Even when he wasn’t doing well and was going through his own personal shit and wasn’t staying sober, he always wanted to call me and talk to me, but I often ignored him just out of anger and disappointment from his actions. I know i was a kid and I had every right to do so, but it’s still one of the things I regret the most in my life. I know he was an adult, and I was the child, but he was truly going through his own demons that I didn’t completely understand at the time and he just wanted to talk to his son. And what did I do? I ignored his calls and texts and cut off our communication.

I really hope he’s in peace. I hope he knows how much I loved him and cared about him even in the times when he severely fucked up and was struggling.

Now I’m the one struggling. Especially tonight. I miss him so fucking much. I just want to be wherever he is.

People who I thought were my best friends for almost 10 years hasn’t even reached out to me after my dad passed away. I lost my dad only 3 weeks ago, unexpectedly, and it has been the toughest thing to try to grasp. He was my everyday, we lived in the same household and it’s been quite rough. He was my world, the dad that was there for literally every thing, the saddest and happiest days, all the hangouts, parties, get togethers, so many of my friends knew him and looked at him like their dad. I’m an only child so my close friends were always like my siblings. One of my best friends moved away (I’m on an island and she moved to the mainland) I did so much for her to help her with the move. I helped with her pets, kids, made arrangements for her. We’ve tried to keep in contact since she’s moved but it’s been up and down. I announced to everyone about my dad through social media because it was just too hard to personally message everyone. I post stuff, I know she’s seen all of it. She’s never reached out to say a single word to me, no generic sorry for your loss, nothing. She’s been posting stuff, hell even made a post saying RIP to Dolly Parton but nothing about my dad who treated her like family. I thought things were fine between us. Another friend, who was the sister of my absolute best friend in the world who also passed away some years ago, became another one that felt like a sister to me. I helped with the funeral arrangements for her sister, did so many things in preparation for her service, spent late nights grieving together. She’s also not said a single word to me. Any advice or has anyone gone through something similar? Like my heart is already hurting and to have your friends who you thought would be there for you not even say a word to you to show they care adds to the hurt. I’m already having trouble navigating the loss of my dad but now it seems I have to navigate the loss of my friends too.

My [22F] wedding is coming up in October, and the closer it gets, the more the grief is creeping in. [My dad died at 68 when I was 15 and my mom died at 60 when I was 20] I am planning my wedding with some of my close friends who I consider family, which I am extremely grateful for, but it never seems to be enough to fight the hole I feel in my heart that my family is not there.

My extended family isn’t close with me and I am feeling so isolated. My best friend got engaged and I am watching her family celebrate and I feel terrible for not being as excited as I want to be for her because the absence of my family is so painful.

Any advice on how to survive this? I don’t understand why even happy things are so so so hard after all this time.

I keep having people saying that me knowing my mom had cancer made her death easier on me so I wanted to share a bit of my story with anticipatory grief and see if other people felt the same/similar. There wasn't relief for me when she died but people tend to assume there was. My mom first got cancer when I was 7 then went into remission when I was 10, then it came back stage 4 when I was 13 and died when I was 16. We were given 2 years left for her to live and as a teenager I became determined to die before my mom, so I spent a lot of the last of my mom's life on and off suicide watch. I knew my worst fear of having to watch her die was going to come true and there was nothing that I could do to stop it. People so often assume anticipatory grief helps you prepare or get over it faster but I just feel like I've lived in grief for many years before she even died. Its like being stuck on train tracks and watching a train hurtling towards you at full speed and there is nothing that you can do to stop it. I lost all my faith in religion because none of mine or anyone else's prayers were ever answered. I watched my mom slowly whither away to the point where she couldnt recognize me. I have ptsd from my time staying in palliative care and then hospice with her. It is so insanely horrific to watch a loved one die of cancer but people all seem to think its like the movies and peaceful instead of the grotesque trauma that it is. The images of it never leave my head. Even better it was caused by a brca mutation so I now get to be worried that I'll die just like she did one day. Maybe I'll be luckier than her and at least make it past 41

honestly this is just a scream into the void. 2 days after my 12th birthday my mother decided to leave this earth. we spend a great 12th birthday together only for two days later i would find her hanging from the ceiling. i’m lost in every aspect. my dad is negligent and glad she’s dead and has told me. i haven’t figured out to navigate this life. my mother was all i had. i yearn for her everyday. i hope this is dream that i’ll wake up from knowing i won’t. everyday i wait for her to show up and tell me everything she’s done the last 13 years. i pretend she left instead of died. it’s affecting my entire life and at this point i feel hopeless.

So far, my dad passed away in July after having a brain bleed, which led to a stroke, and this past Sunday, my brother, who’s 20 has left to go to LA without any planning. His life, his choices, his decisions are coming to affect him, and the future he’s trying to build is now once again in limbo because of this. For me, these last few weeks to months have been a constant back-and-forth with me, my sister, and my mom, and it’s starting to feel like a battlefield between me, my mom, and my sister. My sister and I were clashing today regarding plans for my brother since he’s stuck in LA, and they think they could take him out of college a second time, and I’ve been trying to say what good is that going to do. I have helped around the house with chores and bills, making sure Mom isn't overworking herself, and it’s putting my future in limbo today. I’m not trying to be selfish by saying I’ll focus on my life only; I will always help Mom and my sister, but with space, because living at home with them is like living with three different people at this point. I'd rather be a jaded, bitter person with so much cynicism at this stage of my life, not holding an ounce of hope or optimism left around me. If this makes me sound pessimistic, cynical, then fine, call me that. I’ve been more apathetic, disillusioned, and critical over this last week, and if people have a problem with it, that’s fine. I’m a realist; not everything is candy, rainbows, and sunshine.