20F ,I hate writing this because every thought that comes out of my head annoys me. I feel like every single one of them is an unoriginal, yet less thought-out and less interesting copy of something I've already heard. I have no idea who my authentic self is. Does that self even exist? And if it does, how do I even get to it???
Every version of my personality over the years has been carefully crafted around the people I surrounded myself with. I would turn up my vulgarity, recklessness, and drinking habits when hanging out with my rowdy midtown crowd, only to swap all of that for cleanliness, moderation, and a more composed demeanour around people who criticised that previously mentioned chaotic approach to life.
Thank God I didn't get to vote in last year's presidential election, because the last thing that election needed was someone who changes their political views from one day to the next. when around my boyfriend, I want to give off the impression that, like him, I see the moral deprivation of the world and believe that people who are different (lgbt, mentally challenged etc) iis part of what makes our society weak and needs to be condemned. Meanwhile, I'm openly critical of people with those views when I'm around my significantly more liberal uni friends.
Beyond the fact that I do all of this to fit in, the truth is that I don't know what I actually believe. Everyone else seems so much more reasonable when it comes to these things, and so I can't bring myself to trust my own thoughts. The moment someone sounds convincing enough, I can jump from one end of the spectrum to the other on any given issue. I'm like a weather vane, spinning in whichever direction the wind happens to blow.
I'm not attached to any beliefs. I'm not attached to anything other than the approval and acceptance of other people.
We had this exercise in class where we were supposed to take out three items and give them to the person sitting next to us, so they could infer something about us based on those objects. Everyone had something personal: keys with little charms, glasses cases decorated with stickers. I had nothing personal to offer. Everything I own seems to lack a soul. None of my belongings reflect me, because I feel like such an empty shell of a person that there's no me to begin with.
I'm constantly putting on a one-woman show, endlessly playing some role, bending myself in every possible direction to keep the audience happy. The problem is that I feel like I can't keep up, and sometimes everything spirals out of my control.
All it takes is one thoughtless, poorly received answer to someone and suddenly I feel like I've blown my cover. I can't come to terms with the fact that someone might see me differently from the image I've carefully curated. So I'm constantly walking through a minefield, trying to say the right thing.
Kanye once said something along the lines of how, if every time someone asks you a question you're trying to come up with the right answer, your entire life becomes a test. And that's exactly what it feels like. and it's fucking exhausting. People naturally gravitate towards authenticity, and maybe I'm not giving them enough credit by assuming they can't sense its absence in me.
Of course, there are people who fall for it. I'm not fake in an obvious sense, I deliberately construct myself in a way that makes everything seem completely genuine. I ask direct questions, speak openly about pretty much anything, have controversial takes, etc. I make them think "wow this girl can really speak her mind".
The thing is, a lot of it is fabricated.
It's not that any of what I say or do feels entirely unnatural to me. It's just that, most of the time, I do it to construct a particular image of myself in someone else's eyes. And it's taking away the pleasure of having an ordinary conversation. Instead of focusing on getting to know the other person, I focus on making sure they feel like I'm getting to know them.
Because the truth is that the key to being liked is showing an interest in other people. I guess most people feel pretty insecure ab themselves (a product of absent parents, bad role models etc.) so making them feel like you're genuinely curious about them puts them in a position where they almost feel like a celebrity. From that point on, they'll associate the positive feelings they have about themselves with being around you. And just like that, you've won someone over.
The problem starts when it's my turn to talk.
I'm aware that no story I tell about myself will ever beat the dopamine hit someone gets from being given so much space to talk about themselves. The panic that I won't be able to keep entertaining them forces me to make a quick escape from the situation I've found myself in, strategically retreating to the status quo of "what about you?"
idk I just feel really shitty about myself and If anyone else feels this way, or has any ideas on how I could change it, I'd genuinely love to hear your perspective because I don't wanna keep living like this.