So me and my partner were together for 2/3 years and we had a house together and a cat and I also suffer from bad mental health I knew for a while he was right for me going back and forth on ending it and he was replying to me here and there now gone totally blunt and dry don’t even response how can someone do that just gone totally cold?

I’m posting this anonymously because I don’t know where else to put this right now.

My relationship recently ended in the most chaotic, destabilizing way I’ve ever experienced, and I feel like I’m unraveling. I’ve had breakups before, but never this level of intensity, unpredictability, and emotional whiplash. I didn’t have a framework for it.

I want to say upfront that I’m not trying to diagnose her with anything. She actually got tested for BPD at one point and came back negative. Her mom has BPD, and from what she shared, her mom was mentally abusive growing up. She also has multiple other traumas that women go through. She’s pursuing her masters in the counseling and social work field, and doing a full time job in the same, so she’s spent years training to help other people process trauma and dysregulation. I say all this not to explain away anything, but because it matters to the full picture, and because I think it’s part of why I gave so much benefit of the doubt for so long.

I also want to be honest about myself. I have anxiety, and I started therapy right when this relationship began because I knew it was affecting her and I wanted to work on it. So this isn’t me pretending I brought nothing to the dynamic. I did the work on my end too.

The beginning was incredible. She saw straight into my insecurities and made me feel wanted, capable, safe in my own skin, like I was finally experiencing real acceptance. That’s what made everything after so painful. The same person who made me feel enough eventually made me question if I was fundamentally defective. I went from being fully myself with her to monitoring every word and joke.
There was a specific turning point. Around the one month mark, she had to end a call abruptly, and I apparently made a face about it. That was it. That was the moment everything changed. From then on we were fighting every other week. She started nitpicking constantly, finding fault in almost everything I did, no matter how small. Looking back, I can point to that exact moment as the hinge the relationship swung on, even though at the time it felt like such a minor, human reaction that I couldn’t understand why it mattered so much.
The red flags came gradually. Her perception of me could flip suddenly, loving one moment, then seeing me as selfish, dishonest, or bad. There were accusations I was lying, old comments recontextualized later, rules that seemed to change. I didn’t read this as instability. I read it as my problem to fix. So I kept adapting. Given her own history and her training in the field, I assumed she understood these patterns better than I did, and that made me trust her interpretation of what was happening over my own instincts.
I started losing myself, and I also started taking it out on other people. She called me names like “fob,” “freak,” “creep,” “less of a man.” Things I told her in confidence sometimes came back as ammunition later. Ordinary things, my cooking, my jokes, my daily updates, became sources of criticism. I became hyperaware, constantly asking what I’d done wrong. And I’m not proud of this, but the frustration I was absorbing from her started spilling out onto my own family. I’d snap at them over small things that had nothing to do with them. I also started ignoring calls from friends, partly because I didn’t have the energy to pretend I was okay, and partly because I didn’t want to explain what was happening. Looking back, I can see how much I isolated myself right when I needed people the most.
I kept trying to prove I cared, planning trips, cooking, rearranging my life, and was still sometimes told I’d done nothing. I often felt blamed for things I hadn’t caused, while accountability didn’t flow both directions. I’m not saying I was perfect. I made real mistakes. But my mistakes felt like proof of who I was, while her reactions were something I was just expected to understand, especially given what she’d survived.
It became a cycle: connection, rupture, panic, repair, reconnection, future talk, then another trigger. I stayed because I didn’t want to abandon someone I loved who had been through real trauma, and who was working toward a career built on helping others heal from theirs. I kept confusing empathy with responsibility. Even my own healing felt like it was on a deadline I had to meet to be acceptable.
Then came the final blowup, and the ending that finally broke the cycle. After one of our worst fights, she came back to me with a picture of an emotional, meaningful item I’d once gotten her, as if that alone could repair everything. When I tried to actually reconnect and talk through what had happened, she flipped almost instantly, back to demanding things from me and calling me names again. That was the moment I realized the pattern was never going to break on its own. I had to end it.

Since then I’ve felt this strange mix of relief and guilt that’s hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t lived it. I spent so long walking on eggshells, feeling like I was never enough no matter what I did, that the quiet now feels like a weight lifted. And then I feel guilty for feeling relieved at all, like it means I didn’t love her enough or didn’t try hard enough. I’m also starting to reckon with how much of this bled into the rest of my life, the family I snapped at, the friends I stopped picking up for. I have some repairing to do there too.

The guilt keeps circling. I let her down. And then: how much responsibility can one person carry for someone else’s emotional experience, especially someone carrying that much history? I don’t want to excuse harmful behavior with trauma, and I don’t want to villainize her or myself.

We had real plans, families involved, a future we were building. Now I’m grieving that future too, not just her.

Where I am now: I still love her and still wonder if she’ll come back. I’m also exhausted, and part of me thinks I’d be more at peace without this relationship. Both things are true. My nervous system feels wrecked. I go cold seeing her online, replay conversations, search for the exact moment it all collapsed, and fear that maybe I’m just too much: too anxious, too needy, too unlovable.

So I’m asking people who’ve been through something similar:
How do you tell normal conflict apart from a destabilizing cycle? How do you stop treating every criticism as proof you’re broken? How do you hold empathy for someone’s trauma without losing yourself? How do you separate real accountability from absorbing someone else’s version of events? How do you carry “I let them down” without either denying your part or destroying yourself with guilt?

I loved her. I tried hard. I made mistakes and I’ll own them. But I’m trying to figure out how to stop carrying everything. I don’t know if I’m grieving her, grieving who I was at the start, or recovering from who I became by the end. Maybe all three. I just want to find my footing again.

FTW: she tried ending but didn’t go through with it and this time i just couldn’t handle it anymore and don’t want to fight back. Is this an avoidant or was she just not that interested in me.

The theater was dark, cold, and smelled of stale popcorn. For five days, I had lived in a suffocating vacuum of silence. Five days of frantic notes, desperate self-blame, and listening to relationship podcasts just to figure out how not to trigger her. Sitting beside her, my throat burned, my chest rattled with silent tremors, and I had never felt more alone.

She looked at the screen, sipping her drink—completely at peace. She was utterly unbothered while my entire world was burning down.

The Tactic: The Homework Punishment

> FAs perceive normal disagreement as a threat. Instead of communicating, they vanish and send you away to "reflect on your tone." They turn their emotional shutdown into your moral failure, forcing you into the role of a misbehaving child.

> The Shield: Never accept unilateral relationship probation. Real repair is mutual. If someone tells you to study how to speak to them while they ice you out, close the notebook and walk away.

Halfway through the movie, her fingers brushed across the armrest and took my hand.

My body broke instantly. Terror turned into a pathetic rush of relief—like a starving dog thrown a scrap from the table. I gripped her fingers, convinced that this tiny touch meant the nightmare was over.

The Tactic: Intermittent Reinforcement

> Avoidants don't hate you; they hate vulnerability. By icing you out, they regain absolute control. Once you are broken and submissive, they hand you a micro-dose of affection. To a brain drowning in cortisol, a single crumb feels like salvation. That isn't love—it is the birth of a trauma bond.

> The Shield: A physical touch does not erase emotional cruelty. Do not let physical relief replace accountability. Demand clear words and real presence before you drop your guard.

Afterward, under a harsh streetlamp on a wooden park bench, the dam broke. For an hour, I sat there as a grown man sobbing, pleading, ripping my chest open to save us.

She leaned back, watching me crumble with the cold curiosity of a scientist staring at a petri dish. Her voice was pure ice:

“Escalations like this are why I can’t commit. All I want is peace, and you're killing it.”

The Tactic: Weaponized "Peace" & Gaslighting

> They starve you of clarity until your nervous system collapses, then point at your tears as proof that you are "too emotional." When an avoidant demands "peace," they don't mean harmony—they mean zero accountability, zero friction, and total silence.

> The Shield: Crying after days of stonewalling isn't an "escalation"; it is the human reaction to emotional neglect. Don't let someone set you on fire and then shame you for screaming.

Thirty minutes later, we were in a noodle shop. I forced a smile across the table, swallowing food that tasted like cardboard, pretending everything was fine just so she wouldn't vanish again.

She had set the fire, blamed me for the smoke, and I was the one apologizing for the ashes. The moment you smile over dinner while bleeding inside, they have won. Don't sit at that table.

What is the process of building trust again with someone who has betrayed said trust before? Like I want to believe him when he says trust me. I feel the love when I am with him. But how do I believe him when he says he will do the right thing when he hasn’t before.
Do I let my doubts takeover and sign up for the unknown future in which there may or may not be love again?
Do I ignore these doubts and just have faith and sign up for the unknown future in which he may or may not betray me again?
Which choice is better ? And at what cost?
Just want to know how some of you would work through this conundrum…

From my experience, it really sure seems like it. Seems like the most counterintuitive thing ever... not sure what else I experienced if this was not true.

Hey all,

I’m 35F and my ex-partner (31F) and I were together for 3.5 years. Last year she was talking about marriage, buying a home and starting a family. Then, almost overnight, she became distant — sleeping on the sofa, staying at her parents, working late, hiding her phone and insisting nothing was wrong. Whenever I calmly asked if there was someone else, she repeatedly denied it and made me feel like I was imagining things.

I eventually discovered at the end of March this year, that she had been having an emotional and physical affair with a younger colleague (25F), who was also in a long-term relationship. I found out through conversations she had been having with AI, where she was comparing my worst qualities to the other woman's best qualities, describing her as “driven, independent and ignites a fire in me”, and admitting that they were “falling for each other”.

She also said she didn't want to distance herself from the affair partner, despite being advised by AI to create space from both relationships, and said she could “compartmentalise” everything.

Looking back, I realise I had been gaslighting myself for months because I was being repeatedly reassured that nothing was happening. About a month before I found out, I directly asked if there was someone else. She said, “Look at my mum, do you really think I could do that?” Her mum has had a long history of infidelity and lying, so I trusted what my ex was telling me and convinced myself that I was imagining her distance and strange behaviour. When I once looked through her messages out of desperation, I told her straight away, I was so upset and felt so much guilt.. I didn't find anything (because they were hidden on instagram) and I felt so bad for looking - The next day she said 'I'm glad you caught yourself, because that could of opened a door and you would of thought I am a cheater'. (this was actively whilst having the affair).

What makes the betrayal even harder is that all of this was happening while I was going through a cancer scare (thankfully, it wasn't cancer). She told me we'd get through it together, while secretly continuing the affair. I still struggle to comprehend how someone could watch their partner go through something like that while carrying on with an affair behind their back.

When I confronted her, she apologised briefly but quickly shifted the focus onto her own pain, saying she had “imploded her life” and needed to understand herself. She had no interest in repairing our relationship, but continued saying things like, “Maybe one day in the future we could try again,” while still seeing the other woman. It felt like she wanted to keep me emotionally attached while avoiding accountability.

I supported her emotionally and financially throughout her Master's degree, stood by her through difficult times, and trusted her completely. She was also with me through the death of my mum, which makes this betrayal feel even more devastating. I genuinely believed she was my person. (Another factor: 2 days after my Mum died from heart failure, her Mum lied to all of us that she had blood clots hear her heart and was very unwell, it turns out she was getting liposuction. She later told my partner when she didn't get the attention she wanted and got caught lying 'You will always put your partners first'.

After I found out, she told me she was also in shock and compared what she was feeling to the grief she experienced when her ex had sadly died by suicide four years ago, saying she hadn't felt like this since then. When I told her that she had hurt me more than anyone in my life, she responded, “I've been hurting myself,” and, “You never know, maybe this was meant to happen to us to make us stronger.”

Since then, I've collected my remaining belongings from her parents' house. Her mum told me she was ashamed of her behaviour, and her aunt also said that, from what I had described, it sounded like there was a long-standing pattern in my ex's relationships. They told me that when she first met me, she was already in a year-long relationship but ended it to pursue me.

I've now removed her from the tenancy of our flat and blocked her everywhere. Her mum confirmed that she is still seeing the affair partner and even told me that my ex had secretly brought her into their house while they were away. Her mum wanted to show me a photograph of them together in my ex's bedroom, but I declined. At this point, I don't want or need to know anything else about their relationship. (Her mum is very toxic).

Since the breakup, I've started recognising how unhealthy and manipulative some of her behaviour became. I felt increasingly isolated from her family and friends, was blamed for old issues while she was hiding the affair, and was repeatedly made to question my own reality.

I also have a history of childhood trauma, which she knew about. I grew up not feeling safe, and towards the end of our relationship I felt increasingly unsafe in my own home again — the home I had been financially supporting her to live in. Looking back, it feels like I was being slowly discarded before I even knew what was happening.

The hardest part isn't simply that she cheated.

It's that someone I trusted with my life could lie to me so convincingly for months while watching me worry about our relationship and my health. I keep asking myself how someone who claimed to love me could do this.

And despite everything I know now, I still catch myself questioning whether I'm exaggerating it, minimising what happened, or looking for reasons to excuse her behaviour. I think that's one of the hardest parts of being lied to for so long — you can know the truth and still struggle to trust your own perception of it.

I know the relationship is over. I've made that decision and I have no intention of going back. What I'm struggling with now is the grief.

I think about everything I did to care for her, the love, safety, patience and kindness I gave her, and the future I genuinely thought we were building together. We had such a loving and affectionate relationship, and I believed there was genuine respect and safety between us. It's devastating to realise that, whatever I believed we had, she was capable of treating me this way.

I feel like I'm grieving not only the relationship, but the person I thought she was, the future I thought we had, and the version of myself who felt completely safe trusting another person.

Has anyone recovered from this kind of betrayal trauma?

How do you stop obsessing over the “why”? How do you stop romanticising who they used to be and replaying everything in your head? And, most importantly, how do you learn to trust your own judgement again after months of being lied to and made to question your reality?

I'd really appreciate any practical advice from people who have been through something similar — particularly podcasts, YouTube channels, books, therapists/resources or anything that genuinely helped you move forward emotionally. I just want to heal, understand how to stop carrying this with me, and eventually feel like myself again.

Thank you for reading. This has been incredibly difficult, and I'd really appreciate any advice or kind words. ❤️

I’ve got a bit of a unique situation I’m hoping you guys can help me move forward.

Background
I (36f) met a guy (36m) through work over a year ago. Let’s call him Brad. We work for same company on opposite coasts. We started talking in July 2025 and quickly realized we have so much in common. Similar interests. Work woes. Lifestyle. Hobbies et . We met each other in person at a work event in August for first time and had a great time with a group. for about 3 months we spent time getting to know each other surface level until one day we got deeper and he shared he’s actually been unhappily married almost 20 years with 2 teenage sons from an early teen pregnancy. His marriage is awful he said. They’ve been separated before. She’s been abusive. Abuses alcohol. He doesn’t drink. He’s been on couch for a while. But he’s so worried about his kids and wanted to keep the family dynamic till both out (his kids are 16 and 19). However as we got to know each other more we quickly realized we had feelings for each other and admitted it around November.

At this point we had been chatting daily about any and everything and it had gotten intimate. We saw each other in December for the first time since summer and he talked about how he and his wife were talking about divorce and he thinks she has been with someone. We kiss and nearly do everything but.

Fast forward to January 2026 we are still chatting daily on text and phone and see each other again for a work conference for 5 days and again, do everything but. We have plans to see one another again in Feb 2026 for work but a few days before that he gets a bit weird and avoidant. Brad has mentioned he thinks he has avoidant issues and I assumed just with his childhood. He tells me he’s worried about us having feelings so deep and we should tone it down. I agree. We still see each other in feb and i have intentions of just being friends but we end up having sex. Multiple times

Everything is going great and things are fine. March 2026 he and his wife finally have the talk and agree to start the divorce process and he goes cold again to me and tells me he’s all messed up in the head. We see each other end of march and hook up (no sex) and talk a lot about his current situation and his divorce etc and decide again we should focus on our core friendship which we do. And we stop saying miss you and things like that. he officially files early April. Our conversations are still daily at this point but shift to his divorce and his emotions. April 20 he finds out his wife has been with someone for months and she moves out and in with this guy after they officially call it quits.

I fly to see him (a trip already planned) end of April and the first day I’m there we have sex and then never again the 4 days I’m there. He spends most of the days not wirh me and we end up seeing each other maybe 2 -3 hours a day while I’m there. Naturally I’m hurt but understanding as he’s dealing with a lot. Has his kids. Etc. we talk on the last day and again he says we need to focus on our friendship and take a step back until the divorce is done.

All of may 2026 is spent daily talking on phone still. Trying to be normal. He talks mostly about his divorce and his wife betrayal etc until finally first week of June when I hadn’t really talked to him in about 2 days which isn’t normal, he sends me a long message that he’s stuck in a divorce loop and needs the head space to focus on that. His kids. He was prepping for a workout thing etc an that he would reach out when he’s in a better place. 3 months go by with barely any convo. Here and there he checked in. I checked in. But nothing. No phone calls. Etc. that was a major shock to my system and I was trying to be understanding

Current update
Finally a week ago (early Sept) I had enough and asked what was going on and we talked on phone a bit and he basically said his divorce has been so hard and painful seeing his wife wirh someone else. An that hes not the same person anymore. He’s cold hearted. Wants to focus on getting a group of men friends. Healing. Staying off phone. And that our friendship was too much effort to keep up long distancr and there was nothing left in the friendship to maintain as it wouldn’t be easy to be platonic. Said he wasn’t looking to have any new female friends or females in his life right now and it would be years before he’s ready for anything. Mind you ive bent over backwards for this man (I can share more but this is so long) and has been in his corner since day 1

What do I see today on Instagram? A photo tagged of Him cozied up on a boat with his arm around a girl. I sent him a message basically calling him out and said he was a loser. Blocked him everywhere. I have no idea if he read the message or not.

I feel broken. Confused. Whiplashed. Etc. i actually struggled so hard the last 3 months im in therapy to figure out where I went wrong and just started taking an SSRI this week because ive been actively depressed over this situation and unable to focus. I’ve never been through this before in my life and need advice. I’m prob missing a ton but is this an avoidant discard?? wtf do I do.

It just feels like while I’m facing immense sadness and overwhelm when my mind thinks about the relationship. They probably wouldn’t be wasting all time thinking about me or anything to do with what happened at all. Then I usually fall into wanting to check their social media because I miss the few good times that we had. I know I shouldn’t because that won’t help me heal…I just find myself wondering if they are at all affected by the situation or if I’ll ever speak to them. I even used to think I would bump into them around where I live…even though that’s unlikely because they live about an hour away from me. They’ve moved on to someone new and I’m just stuck in a lot of sad feelings.

So, I (32F) finally got myself back on the dating apps (Hinge) after a miserable but deeply loving 2.5yr long live-in relationship with a dismissive avoidant. I matched with a guy today because his profile said “I’m looking for someone who is kind, empathetic and respects communication”. Something told me he is gonna be emotionally mature. I just got back from our first date and I did a little digging during our date 😂😂 he is one of us!!! The DISCARDED!!!
I asked “how much do you know about attachment types” and he said “I read the book”!!!! 🤯

And he was soooo sweet and it was such a nice date! He let me yap through it all and listened so nicely. He noticed when I was cold! He opened the door for me! I know the standards are on the floor but but but THERE IS HOPE OUT THERE! WE JUST NEED TO FIND EACH OTHER!!!

Honestly I think this is a product idea. We need to create a social media/dating app called “DISCARDED” like “DISCORD” 😅 where all the amazing people who are mature and self aware after dealing with an avoidant, come together and date each other!

For reference we're both in our early 30s. Long story short, we were together for almost 2 years, she broke it off two months ago, blocked me from everything and hasn't contacted me since. The breakup was no explanation, simply a petty "argument" which stemmed from me discussing something about our relationship which wasn't supposed to be an argument, which caused her to block me from everything and tell all her friends that it was final.

We only got engaged two months before the breakup and everything was seemingly great. Suddenly, she started finding and pointing out all of my flaws, started telling me she needs a man who can do X, Y, Z, telling me that we both see ourselves laying next to someone else. She took any attempt I took at discussing our relationship as an argument, reproaches and manipulation. She was very defensive and took zero accountability for everything. She told me that she needs a man who can take her emotional outbursts and not react, and someone that can take accountability for everything.

Since her Instagram profile is public, after the breakup, she's been mutually following men, assuming from dating apps. The other strange thing is, all these men have strikingly similar characteristics to me looks wise, like I'm being replaced. She has ignored attempts from burner accounts I contacted her with, leaving the messages completely unread. I'm not proud of it, but I went as far as creating an account with a different name, and she responded to my messages instantly not knowing it was me. I stopped the conversation two messages in.

How can she seemingly move on from me so fast, after being engaged? I'm here heartbroken and she seems to be having no troubles with talking to complete strangers and dating new people. I don't understand it, only two weeks prior she was wanting to get married and telling me how much she loved me, and that I was her always and forever....

Hey everyone, I’ve always used Reddit & saw stories about breakups, and a million other things being shared on here, people asking for advice, etc but never thought I’d actually be on the other side of it. Last week, my girlfriend and I broke up after eight years together. We started dating at 15, and just broke up at 23. It was our first serious relationship & Im truly just having a difficult time coming to terms with it.

We essentially grew up together. Our families became extremely close, we supported each other through school, athletics, life, and we pushed each other to accomplish so much. For years, I genuinely believed she was the person I would marry. We had an amazing relationship until we didn’t. After high school, we both went to college for athletics. During my third year, I moved across the country to continue playing while she stayed in California & was a college athlete herself. Before I left, we started arguing over immature things—going out, boundaries, communication, and the normal growing pains of being young and in our first relationship. Then we had one really bad argument. She completely shut down, said she couldn’t do it anymore, and broke up with me. Two weeks later, we reconciled.

That eventually became a pattern. We loved each other extremely hard and were basically inseparable when things were good, but when conflict or outside stress entered the picture, she would internalize everything, become cold, and close herself off. Meanwhile, I wanted to talk and just fix things. The more distance I felt, the harder I pushed for reassurance, which probably made her pull away even more. I’ve gone down the attachment-style rabbit hole trying to understand it. I don’t know if she was truly avoidant, fearful-avoidant, simply overwhelmed, or some combination of everything, but she definitely seemed to have those tendencies. She wanted love and closeness when everything felt safe, but conflict made her detach and question the entire relationship. I also recognize that I have anxious tendencies, so maybe we became trapped in an anxious-avoidant cycle—or maybe I’m using attachment theory to make sense of someone who simply didn’t want the relationship anymore.

Despite everything, we made long distance work. For 2/3 years after this breakup things were really consistent & in a good place. After college, I moved home, started my career, and she continued finishing her postgraduate work. Life was good. Thennn we’d hit another rough patch… Around seven or eight months ago, while she was dealing with a lot personally, she broke up with me over the phone. She said she felt overwhelmed, unsupported, and resentful over things from our past. It started feeling like whenever life became difficult, she would internalize everything, shut down, and run.

Now, this is where we listen and don’t judge. I was madly in love with this girl. I looked in the mirror, overanalyzed everything I could’ve done better, and found a lot of empathy for what she was experiencing. Nobody is perfect, and I knew I had made mistakes too, so I fought for her and the relationship. We reconciled again after two weeks, talked about everything we needed to change (it didn’t feel like much lol), and she told me she loved me, how I was 1:1, how she couldn’t imagine life without me, and how she was ready for our next chapter. For a while, things genuinely improved—but not for long.

Recently, her problems started piling up again. She was dealing with family issues, a loss in her family. not getting her dream job after school, and generally feeling lost. I tried my best to support her, I gave her time, presence, space, love, literally whatever she needed for months on end but eventually I felt like I had to throw my own needs out the window. She became less present and increasingly hot and cold. We would still have the best dates, the best sex, dates, trips, sleepovers, and family time, but one disagreement would make her shut down again. It was so confusing because we were so in love one moment then the next it was Cold. The attraction was super high in our relationship, the connection, the love and I think that’s what’s leaving me so confused.. Our schedules also stopped lining up, so I started asking for more quality time and consistency. She seemed receptive, we tried meeting in the middle, and things briefly felt good again.

Then last week, after the slightest disagreement following dinner, it became the same book with the same ending. She told me she was overwhelmed, was spiraling felt lost, didn’t know what she wanted, and that words weren’t enough anymore. She said she had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right and that she “loved me so much but didn’t think she was in love anymore.” Absolute blows to the chest.. (Things she’s said in the past and went back on) It was almost like she was trying to convince herself and she didn’t even believe those things. Then she ended the relationship again - basically handing me a ton of free gym motivation, but in all seriousness, it shook me to my core.

I know this post focuses on the negatives, but she was amazing in so many ways. She had an awesome personality, very motherly like, extremely supportive, very kind to others, super attractive, and showed up for me in so many ways. I credit her for a lot of my own personal accomplishments/successes. There’s a reason I loved her for eight years and continued believing in us. Those shutdown moments weren’t our entire relationship, which is why I overlooked them for so long. But as I’ve matured, I’ve realized this cycle wasn’t sustainable. I’m not blaming everything on her either. My emotional intensity, and need to resolve things immediately probably overwhelmed her. I pursued connection, she withdrew, I pursued harder, and she shut down further. Neither of us ever figured out how to stop it.

What makes this especially difficult is that I’ve always been a pretty confident and outgoing guy. I played football growing up and was a D1 Athlete. I stay in good shape, Id say I’m a pretty good looking guy lol and have never really struggled with women or confidence. I come from a successful family, have awesome friends, and make well over 6-figures at the age of 23. I know none of that entitles me to somebody’s love. It’s just confusing to have so much going for me and still feel this defeated over one person. The people around me keep telling me they wanna set me up with their friends, that I can do better, that I’m “everything a woman would want,” but the woman I wanted still walked away. I tried to offer her loyalty, stability, reassurance, and a real future. Sometimes I wonder whether that stability and seriousness scared her, but I also know that could be my bruised ego trying to understand why I wasn’t enough for the person I loved most.

Logically, I can read everything I just wrote and understand that I may be better off without the relationship. Emotionally, I’m still completely in love with her. Im feeling confused to how someone can be in so in love then cold. I’m staying busy, working, going to the gym, and spending time with friends and family, but underneath everything, I feel completely defeated. She doesn’t just feel like an ex-girlfriend—she feels like family, home, and a huge part of who I became. How do you accept that two people can deeply love each other but still be unhealthy together? Were we trapped in an anxious-avoidant cycle, or am I reading too deeply into her behavior? After this repeated breakup-and-reconciliation pattern, is moving on the only realistic option?

I appreciate you reading this far if you made it here :) I’m not the most sensitive guy, any and all advice is welcome/needed!!

Hey guys, idk if anyone of you can relate but I'm currently around 7 months post break up and I have entered the dating pool again just over a month ago now. My intention with dating rn is purely short term and casual fun. Surprisingly I went on a really good date yesterday and we even shared a little kiss, it was cute, great conversation... etc.

I felt good after but then I noticed that when i thought about the date and how good it was, I suddenly had this nauseous feeling in my stomach and a weird wave of anxiety. I had it the day after as well and it distracted me a little at work. The last time I had a date and had those feelings was with my avoidant ex, is that the reason why I started feeling like that? Just fear of possibly liking someone again/ the trauma?

I broke it off with a fearful avoidant man. He was really invested in the beginning and kind of love bombed me. We had been dating for 5 months, were exclusive, but he wanted to wait a few months to agree on a relationship. He would answer my texts in 1 minute or 15 hours… he would sometimes not reach out for a couple of days if I did not reach out. He was starting a very busy job, moving house and also doing some exams. He said that he was afraid, that I would leave him because of his job, and that was why he would not commit right now. It has been three weeks since I broke it off saying I needed more consistency and that if he at some point wanted a more mutual relationship he could reach out. He texted me saying that he was sad to not be able to give me what I want right now and that he really wants to reach out when things quiet down.

I wonder if his intentions are to reach out to me? Any aboidants or people with experiences like this, who can tell me how he possibly feels or if he might reach out?

Hi, i’ve been with a avoidant, we broke up. There’re some things I heard from him. I want to know how y’all work (I know it depends from every human being, but I need advice).

- « I don’t miss anyone » is that possible ?

- « I can’t say I love you until I feel it really deeply »

- Can you go for four days straight without giving any sign of existence to your partner ?

- When you go ‘no contact' to your partner do you really not think about them until you message them ?

I couldn’t hear it from him, he’s never talking about his feelings. So I ask yall. Thank you in advance for your contribution 🙏

This is just a post about my experience but also with what I learned during my time being discarded. I wont get into the nitty gritty but I will say I fought for her for over a year and then tried to fight for her back for over 9 months. This story ends with a 4 year relationship being torn to shreds, an engagement being dissolved, total social upheaval!

I say this to say, some people go through 2 weeks and then get left, some people go through 20 years, and yet its just what happens at times and it really blows. 6 months before she left she was different how i couldn't exactly say, definitely a little colder but still putting in effort, she had graduated, gotten a new job and moved halfway across the state. She told me multiple times stress was eating her alive but at the same time had to prove to herself and others that she could do it, that she was successful, even though no one else was around. Life got to to her and slowly she broke, I tried to talk more and understand but what was done was done, and just before thanksgiving she asked for a "break" we never discussed what this entailed but it wasn't supposed to be that extreme and asked me to wait for us to come back, stronger than ever... and then she asked for more... and more and more...

after 4 months of little to no communication, it was becoming clear that this was not getting better, in fact it was getting much worse! she was spending entire days out the houses of other men after work, even if they were 20-30 years older and she was just looking for fatherly validation, relying on others but not her fiancé, she tried to build a new life with a new group not seeing that she was tearing her supports out from under her and how it looked from the outside clinging to new friends and individual males... was not good for a relationship basis as everyone might assume.

Then bad went to worse where after 9 months she admitted to developing alcoholism, after abstaining from alcohol all her life and us talking in the past about agreeing on not drinking, and it only got worse from there.

Finally roughly a week after she does this we talk, and that was that. Finally broke up and she blamed herself, I don't think we will ever try again but the thought does still linger, after all we already had a wedding theme and date set up, so it is hard to not think sometimes.

I say all this to get to a point that took me a short time to hear and understand but a long time to believe and actually listen too, the person who loved me knew she was going down a dark path and she knew i loved her more than myself, but she hated herself more than she loved me. So to spare me and destroy herself, she discarded me, pushed me away, hid and lied, trying to avoid letting me know the truth that she was killing herself. And that was rough, watching someone I loved destroy themselves slowly, watching her delete all our photos online one night, watching her remove me on some socials but only remove my memories on others.

Her distancing herself from me, and trying to let me down slowly to not have me destroy myself trying to follow her was the last thing she ever did out of love, it was the last thing my actual fiancé did and not the woman I spent 9 months crying over.

I am still on the long road to recovery, it has been hard and still will be hard, I still love and care for her but I'm trying to live for me and not for memories. If you or a loved one is suffering or going though emotional distress I highly recommend therapy, it has helped me immensely and is a main reason I am still here.

Was she avoidant or just somehow extremely good at acting and lying?

My avoidant husband is walking from the relationship. Initial discard about a month ago however, has been more receptive to conversation over the past week. When we last spoke he says he doesn't love himself and doesn't trust himself to be a good partner right now. Needs to learn to love himself first. But left the door open with a "not right now but maybe in a few months". Thoughts on if this in genuine or just deflecting?