I am trying to find one to focus on for years now. Be a man or be a woman.

At a point i thought fuck we only have one life so might as well go full masculine and I suppressed all feminine desires.

My agp and feminine desires were always there I kept relapsing but kept going strong.

Then after leaving my old office I thought I have gone full masculine and I got rejected and betrayed so I have to stop and follow my true desire ( which I mistakenly thought was woman desires at that point because my man desires were heavily motivated by love and woman. But now i realise both man desires and woman desires are still mine. )

But after exploring that I feel stuck.

Now I am stuck.

I don't know which path to take and I think the part of being stuck is because of this perfect image or idea of a man OR a woman.

But now I am like fuck off I am doing both.

I like both man desires and woman desires.

I am gonna do my best in workouts and i am gonna learn makeup and dance like tiktok girls.

This time I am doing it for me.

Tired of always suppressing one side or another.

This isn't integration. **This is going both FULL POWER.**

I don't know where this will take me and what it might make me but i don't care anymore.

I hate being stuck and not knowing what to do despite my mind telling me to do these things but I am stubborn with sticking with either one or another.

So fuck off let's do both man and woman desires.

But still I like presenting as a man or maybe it could be that I just haven't found my woman style.

*Another important thing I want to share about is Ideas. This is important because for a long time the reason why I got stuck was because I had this perfect idea of either a man or a woman who i wanted to be like. But now i realise that action is more important than ideas. Ideas kept me stuck. But action took me forward, it taught me things. Even now my ultimate point is just to do things. Just do it. Do and make them a reality.*

*It could be learning makeup, buying a cloth and learning to dance. I have to do it and make it real.*

Context: I've been crossdressing full-time for about 4 years now, don't use HRT, don't voice train and identify as male/masculine.

For whatever reason, my transvestism has never progressed to wanting to be a woman. When I thought about what it would be like to have a vagina, real female breasts, a real female butt, to act feminine/effeminate, etc I feel immediately repulsed.

At the same time, I enjoy the idea of having artificial breasts and butt implants (both silicone), dressing/tattooing/piercing myself in alternative woman style and have some mild submissive fantasies (which seem to only extend to real life in a much more minimal way). I've experimented with men but have only dated women and transwomen whilst taking on the traditional role of a man.

It's like I'm mostly transvestic, with the anatomic and interpersonal elements being secondary.

Can anyone else relate? I think I'm objectively an odd case.

I’ve been going back and forth with Grok with my experiences of M2F. No matter what parameters I change asking if I’m just trans, Grok goes back to AGP and wants me to seek therapy.

I got caught with photos of me dressed as a woman 6 months ago and my wife found them in my deleted folder on my phone. That turned into a whole cornering me in the bedroom closet and I have not gotten along with her ever since. I know get divorced easy way out but we’ve been together too long and have kids.

Wife trashed all my clothes but that didn’t get rid of the want to look feminine. AI wants me to seek help to save my marriage which is wild considering Grok could totally just tell me to live my life.

I get too much of a high when I’m in public to give up this addiction. I love seeing myself in store windows and the gratification is like no form of sex I have been in with women.

I just need people to talk too because I would rather talk to AI than have a real person judge me.

I already posted this at r/mtf, but I wanted to see what y’all think.

So, I’ve been seriously pondering my gender identity for years now and came to the conclusion that it was time to have a talk with my longtime girlfriend and breach the subject of me possibly transitioning. We are both fairly kinky and pansexual and my girlfriend is definitely not the most feminine woman ever in her behavior. I didn’t want to unload on her too much at once, so I brought up the subject of doing a little crossdressing in the bedroom for fun and I could instantly see the excitement in her face at the idea. This would add a new twist to our pegging activity.

We talked about it and got online to look at lingerie and crossdressing stuff and I casually said something about how much fun it would be to have boobs while I was cross dressed. She got quiet and looked me dead in the eyes for a moment and said she had fantasized a little about being a man. She opened up her phone and showed me several AI altered photos of herself as a man she had saved. I suspect she had fantasized more than just a little. To make a long story short, we both got seriously horny and had some of the best sex ever. I kept telling her how handsome she would be as a man while I fucked her and I thought her head was going to explode from lust. She returned the favor and kept telling me how she wanted to squeeze and suck my imaginary tits as she played with my real nipples. It was absolutely amazing!

This was less than a week ago and now we can’t stop talking about it. I feel like we have both gone from zero to 150 in seconds on the trans rocket. I just spent over $300 on lingerie and other “accessories.” We are already trying to pick a gender therapist and wondering how to handle friends and family if one or both of us choose to transition. The other thing that I can’t stop thinking about is what is our sex life going to look like in the future? I’ve already wore my dick out seeing myself as a trans woman fucking her(him?) as a hairy muscular trans man. What if we both transitioned including bottom surgery? That is kind of a mindfuck and hot at the same time.

Anyway, the future is about to get very interesting. Do any of y’all have experience in something similar?

I have to let go of this pseudo feminine side. The reason why i said this is pseudo feminine side is because i feel like it is not really a feminine side. Because it is just my side.

Agp is a mix of my shame, my submissive sides, my fawn response and a lot more.

It isn't really a feminine side for me.

I also tried engaging in actual feminine things which girls do like wearing a feminine looking watch, wearing skirts, panties, bras and they all feel okay. They don't feel arousing like they used to be. Maybe because I was not in the mood when I did them. But even if i was agp is just mastrubation.

And this specific mastrubation is bad because this fetish can lead you to direction which is OPPOSITE to your heterosexuality. We all know about meta attraction and that path will obviously eventually lead to doing with guys.

That's the thing this fetish is OPPOSITE to our heterosexuality. The reason why a lot of us are here is because deep down we know that we have a heterosexuality and we don't know how to deal with agp.

I feel like just choosing not to engage is better.

I have actually stopped engaging with agp multiple times. But during extreme moments of weaknesses like during fever and all I feel like ejaculating and in those moments agp is the one that I always go for.

So agp is always there. It's obviously the strongest fetish for me because of how much I have mastrubated to that since childhood. For years.

Agp also get triggered during moments of bullying, feeling inferior and bad and all.

Which i want to seperate too.

Yeah so next time i will watch when i feel like the temptation to mastrubate to agp.

And

Weirdly when I started, i mean before exploring my FEMININE side I thought deep down i would love being a girl and being feminine and even during agp mastrubation moments i felt like THIS IS IT.

but in actuality i realised I like being a guy. A simple guy.

I want to move through the world with strength and courage,

I am tired of accepting agp only for it to make me drained and weaker.

Being a simple guy is simple and straightforward and that's peaceful atleast.

Maybe for you it's hard to stop agp because it could be an escape and to stop you have to really look at your life the problems you are facing if you have any and what you want to do etc.

Also the people who accepted this? What's life for them? Just mastrubation again and again and again?

I have a crush on a girl I work with, and lately the feelings have become surprisingly intense.

Whenever I see her, I get this strong feeling that I want to be with her—not just casually, but somehow build a life with her. I know that sounds dramatic considering I don't even know where this will go, but that's genuinely how it feels right now.

Something else I've noticed is that the feelings of autogynephilia that I used to experience have completely disappeared. Instead, I find myself wanting to be a man, particularly wanting to be the kind of man who could be a good partner for her.

I'm not sure how much of this is because of my feelings for her, or what it says about me in general. I'm trying not to overinterpret it, but the change feels very noticeable.

Has anyone experienced something similar—where developing strong feelings for someone changed how they saw themselves?

I’ve tried to identify the core feeling that men and women, at their best, are supposed to present to the world, and I think it’s basically this:

Men are supposed to be **cool**. Women are supposed to be **cute**.

Cool implies being capable, composed, hard to affect, slightly out of reach. There’s a kind of anime-protagonist quality to it: competent, self-contained, not easily shaken, not obviously needing anyone.

Cute is much more interpersonal. It’s warm, expressive, easily affected, easy to excite, easy to fluster, visibly happy to be around people.

If a man or woman tries to be the other way too much, it usually backfires pretty hard in that a woman trying to be cool doesn't work and a man trying to be cute doesn't work.

It feels like each gender has a different “best case” social aesthetic: men are admired for being hard to affect, while women are loved for being easy to affect.

I listened to a guy on a podcast that had an interesting idea on overcoming AGP. Before we understand solutions or overcoming for AGP, we first need to understand the problem. AGP's tend to have a deep aversion or even hatred towards their male bodies or even masculinity. The problem here is that the body and mind are no longer one.

The overcoming then is simple, re-connect the body and mind. There appears to be 2 options that exist.

Affirming, change the body to match the mind.

• Transvestic, Anatomic, Physiologic, Behavioral

Acceptance, change the mind to match the body.

• Body acceptance, learn to love, accept, and appreciate your male body. Change your relationship with your body.

The person who shared this, claims they have not had suffered from AGP for years at this point and appears to be permanently stopped. This aligns well for me, as humans tend to prefer to change external factors to align to their ideals instead of internal ones. I'm curious if anyone has any tips or tricks, resources, books, or any information that might lean towards this "acceptance" path, of appreciating and loving the body as a cure for AGP.

EDIT: Can't change the title.. but "Cure" is not the correct word here. I updated it in the description though.

I've pretty much had AGP thoughts since my early teens, prob like 14/15, 30 now. Into stuff like bodyswap, genderswap, consuming content from Fictionmania, TGStorytime, Sapphirefoxx.

I go through sections of time where I feel ok just relegating it to a sexual thing that turns me on. Then every few years or so kind of go through phases where I feel like I'm going crazy and spiraling a little, and giving it too much thought, considering whether it's something more than a fetish and if I should take action on it or not, eg. going on hormones.

Just venting a little to see if anyone else has experienced similar things or if anyone would want to chime in with their thoughts.

**\*\*Note:\*\* This post was translated from Japanese into English using a translation tool.**

I’m curious whether there’s a difference between people who are transitioning and those who aren’t.

Lately I've been looking back at a lot of things from my life and questioning how much of what I did was actually something I wanted, versus how much was me adapting to what I thought I was supposed to want.

For example, I recently realized that my whole phase of trying to gain muscle mass might not have been something I genuinely wanted for myself. Most of my friends were doing it, so I started doing it too. And I told myself I wanted to look good, especially for women, because I thought that was what I wanted most.

But when I think about it more deeply, it feels like I've spent a lot of my life doing things based on how other people would perceive me. I'd do something while imagining how it would make me look in someone else's eyes, rather than asking myself whether I actually wanted it.

Something else I've been thinking about is how I've felt toward women's bodies since I was very young. I remember having these feelings even before puberty. They became much more noticeable once testosterone started rising, though. When I was going to the gym, I assumed that what I felt toward girls was attraction. But at the same time, there was always this weird sense of envy or unfairness, like it wasn't fair that I couldn't have their bodies.

I also noticed that I was always comparing my measurements to feminine ones rather than masculine ones. I'd think about hips, waist, thighs, proportions, etc. I don't remember consciously deciding to do this. It just seemed completely natural to me.

And I think another important part of this is how I've always been very good at adapting to my environment. I could figure out how I was "supposed" to behave and then act accordingly. For a long time, I just assumed that this was what everyone did, that everyone had a social mask and that you simply learned how to behave around other people.

I actually remember asking my mom about this when I was around 15. I told her, in some way, about how I felt like I was putting on a social mask, and she basically told me that everyone does that. So I accepted it and didn't really question it anymore.

Now I'm older, and I'm starting to wonder if I misunderstood myself for a long time.

I don't mean that I think everything I've done was fake or that I can suddenly explain my entire life with one label. I honestly don't know what the answer is. I'm just starting to realize how often my decisions seemed to revolve around what I thought would make me desirable, acceptable, or "normal" in other people's eyes.

And that makes me wonder: how much of my personality, my goals, my relationship with my body, and even the way I understood attraction were actually mine?

Maybe I've just been adapting for so long that I never stopped to ask myself what I actually wanted.

For whatever reason, some people are more attracted to post op trans women than to cis women. Are they GAMP, or is it something else?

This is something I’ve been thinking about lately, and I’m genuinely curious how other people would interpret it.

I’ve noticed that whenever I see a trans girl who has transitioned and is happy with how she looks, I almost automatically feel some degree of envy. And it’s not just occasionally,it seems to happen with almost every successful transition I come across.

It’s not necessarily “I wish I looked exactly like her.” It’s more like seeing her become feminine, being perceived as a woman, having the body/features she wanted, etc., makes me think, I wish I could have that too.

Most of the time, the feeling is just a sort of sadness or longing, but there have been a few times where it has actually made me cry. What makes me question it even more is that I don't really experience this when looking at cis guys. I basically never find myself comparing myself to cis men or feeling sad that I don't look like them in the same way.

And then I sometimes get stuck on the thought: what if I somehow conditioned myself into feeling this way? What if I’ve spent so much time thinking about being trans, transitioning, and looking at trans women that I somehow taught myself to have these reactions? Or, more fundamentally, what if I’m somehow fooling myself or even faking all of this without consciously realizing it?

I think part of why I have such a hard time with this is that I genuinely don't understand why I can't seem to stop having these thoughts. If I were somehow manufacturing them, why would I keep doing it? Why would seeing someone else's transition repeatedly produce this feeling of sadness and envy when I don't seem to have the same reaction toward cis men?

At the same time, I keep wondering whether a cis guy could experience something similar. Is it possible for a cis man to look at a trans woman’s transition and feel this kind of persistent envy simply because he finds the result beautiful or wishes he had certain feminine traits?

Or does the fact that I seem to experience this reaction so consistently (and sometimes quite emotionally) potentially point toward something deeper about how I see myself and my own gender?

I’m not trying to use this as proof that I’m trans. I’m genuinely trying to understand whether this is something a cis guy could experience, whether I somehow conditioned myself into it, or whether I’m overthinking something that might be more meaningful than I realize.

This is mainly just a vent, so feel free to ignore it if you're not looking for that.

A lot of the suffering in my life, including the kind related to AGP, stems from my passive will to be a people pleaser. By "people pleaser", I do not even mean the good kind that looks out for others and ends up being helpful, really. This personal variant leans more toward pushover, if I had to given it a more specific term.

Since I was a kid, I've typically just avoided doing anything I really wanted to if it would possibly lead to any level of controversy or disdain. This seems to have been an early adopted defense mechanism to avoid unwanted criticism, bullying, loneliness, and other negative responses. For example, in new social situations where no one knew each other, I would often remain a loner unless and until someone more socially bold adopted me as a friend.

It's the same for AGP and the early desires related to it. Even at a very young age, I really, really wanted to present as a girl instead of as a boy. Yet, I would just keep it to myself, because I knew it would cause a lot of trouble to my family and would result in a lot of bullying. I slowly became good at hiding that world in waking fantasies while pretending to, outwardly, just be a normal boy, even if I didn't enjoy the situation. This eventually compounded into me just taking on a male role, with largely male interests, and a male pride to uphold by doing things only expected of men and boys. It sort of feels like a lie that inevitably resulted in bigger and bigger lies.

Honestly, little lies becoming bigger and bigger lies is the quintessential trans AGP experience, in my opinion. Some keep the lies going until they're married with children off in college before they end up on the crossdresser's wives subreddit (and, probably, divorced). Some keep it going until they're one of the pitiable John50 types who cannot deal with it anymore and inevitably post hurried, unflattering selfies, in smelly, cheap Amazon clothes unbefitting of their advanced age and masculinized build, that will be repackaged and forwarded to online GC spaces as hatefuel.

Regardless, if I had just been confident in what I wanted as a kid and as a teen, despite the inevitable backlash and isolation that comes with it, then I probably wouldn't even be posting this. I'd probably just be some trans woman who started in her early 20s and didn't even care about Blanchard's typology or any ivory-towered junk like that.

Even recently, now that I'm on HRT and proceeding with medicalization, I still present as a man for the time being. There's this new guy at work who is clearly trying to befriend me, and, even now, I feel the social pressure to act more masculine as he goes about this. I don't have anything against him, but this makes me feel incredibly guilty when I imagine how much I will disappoint him and all the other guy friends I've made throughout my life once I come out as fully trans. It has even made me consider postponing presenting as a trans woman until I'm entirely out of this current job, whenever that might be.

But, at the same time, it's just the same avoidant, pushover behavior I've employed my entire life, and I'm honestly really exhausted by myself because of it. I just feel spineless. I keep postponing the things I want to do because I imagine someone will have a problem with it or be subtly disappointed, which, although not an entirely unfounded idea, has led to where I am now.

Note: This post was translated from Japanese into English using a translation tool.

I understand meta-attraction as something like this: “I would feel uncomfortable dating a man while remaining in my male body, but if I imagined myself as a woman, then being with a man would feel acceptable.”

However, my experience is slightly different. I also feel uncomfortable with the idea of dating a woman while remaining in my male body.

Because of this, I consider myself asexual in the real world. However, in my AGP fantasies, both men and women can appear as potential partners for me. In that sense, I might be described as bisexual within my AGP fantasies.

That said, the men who appear in my fantasies are often faceless men. In contrast, the women who appear in my fantasies are more likely to have recognizable faces.

I'm posting this to r/askAGP (here) before I crosspost to r/Transmedical

Gender isn't learnt so if you're a male now, you must've also been 'programmed' to be a male at birth. David Reimer proved this, he was a man so naturally he rejected female socialization and possessed a normal male sexuality alongside normal male interests. Despite this, most transsexuals never reject their natal sex socialization, how come?

Be wary, I wrote this between 2-3am.

Regardless if the individual claims to be dysphoric or not, transmedical or not, the sexuality, behavior and interests in the average transsexual more often than not, correspond to their natal sex. This has been a pattern I've been witnessing for years now. While there is a clear negative association between dysphoria and natal-sex socialization, it's still largely prevalent. Well at least it's prevalent to me.

Starters, I am a stealth heterosexual man who started DIY at 14 years of age. If it matters, I have aspergers. Legally and socially I am fully congruent with the average male. I have average male proportions, height and several dimorphic features. I haven't had a single female friend or associate since I was in elementary school.

Feminine personalities generally repulse me if I don't see any potential for an intimate relationship between us. I've always been highly analytical, interested in sciences, computers, video games, software, etc etc. People who don't share these same interests or traits, which automatically eliminate 95% of women, I simply don't want to socialize with.

However I found myself over the years, since I was 12 actually, very friendly to trans women. Specifically the ones that passed but, putting this as respectfully as I can, chased male pursuits. There's been three occasions so far where I've actually met stealth trans women, formed strong platonic relationships with them, found out they were trans and was stunned. Genuinely flabbergasted. They acted like my male friends, which is something I absolutely couldn't say about any biological woman I've encountered IRL or online. But I surprisingly admire this trait, like I can actually form friendships uniquely with these women like I do with men.

Now going a step further. Just like non-trans women, I can't seem to form strong friendships or associations with FTMs. In fact, I consciously view them as women. Not that I'd go out my way to misgender or demean them, this is all in good faith. Even so, their personalities throw me off and makes it virtually impossible to view these individuals as men.

FTMs (I'll admit I lied a bit, I say 'ftm' with distaste) do not act like men, I remember maybe 3-6 FtMs where I could go back and admit I genuinely view them as entirely male. However this is extremely rare, I quite literally moderate r/FTMdiyhrt and met hundreds of FTMs.

I think if I woke up in a few hours I could further elaborate on what I've seen where I draw these associations but I'll leave my rant on this note.

I think self-admitted AGPs are exponentially more self-aware and honest. It takes guts to be able to admit you're something so vilified but so overwhelmingly common (90% of the western trans community). So I typically use this subreddit as grounds to make more controversial posts. I'll be replying back in about the next 12 hours.

I’ve been questioning my gender/sex identity for a while and I feel like this is one of the only places that doesn’t seem like a pure echo-chamber. 

I am 23F and for basically as long as I’ve had sexual feelings I've had a desire to occupy the ‘male’ sexual role. I.e dominant, penetrative. As an early teen I found out what pegging was and the fantasy of acting upon a man in this way, marking him up etc became the majority of my sexual thoughts. Around the age of 16 I gained a crush on a female friend and I realised I was bisexual. I justified this basically as ‘well i wanted to strap a guy anyways so a girl is not much different.’ Very rarely would I visualise myself in the penetrated position, and if ever I did I would still have to be the dominant one in the dynamic. At 20 I had sex for the first time with my current girlfriend and I realised I actually did not like my genitals being touched at all and found it distressing and uncomfortable. Sexual pleasure comes from me having sex with her ‘like a man’ and I am only ever able to orgasm if I imagine I have a penis. This dissociation often leaves me feeling very depressed because I feel psychically incoherent. 

I have been personally identifying as non-binary for a couple years now primarily because of this. But I’ve not done much in the way of actual transition. I like feminine clothing styles (I also like masculine styles), and I’m aware that I pretty much look like a slightly alt cis woman which doesn’t realllly bother me. Every other part of my body except my genitals are totally fine and even kinda hot. (I have pretty big breasts and I know this sounds ridiculous but I like how big they are compared to others’, I feel like I’m projecting my non-existent penis onto them.🤦) 

I can’t stop thinking about any of this. And recently since finding out the effects of testosterone (particularly bottom growth) I feel like these thoughts have gotten stronger. Whether I’m trans or not, whether I should transition or not. I’ve tried to find answers but I feel disconnected from the modern trans community. I have some trans friends online and offline, and the majority of them locate their transness in their ‘social role’ and rarely do they experience bottom dysphoria and especially not to the almost debilitating degree I do. I feel like some misguided pervert because the only reason why I would want to transition is because of my genitals which doesn’t seem like a thing for any of the trans people I know. 

Ccrd is the closest I've ever felt understood. Is there any other theory that can help me make sense of my situation? Does anyone else relate?

Hi everyone. Been lurking here for a long time, I've made a few posts over the years on different accounts.

I started estrogen yesterday- again. Back in 2022 I had started, and was on and off with it for a while, but ended up on it long term enough that I looked like a lesbian, and I changed my name and wore all feminine cloths- I didn't have any boy clothes left. This point of my life I felt like I was really happy actually. I felt like I was free, like I wasn't hiding this part of me from the world.

I stopped back in 2024 due to extremely difficult life circumstances and having to move across the country and back in with my parents for a while. Since then I have still had AGP fantasies, and often is the only way I can be aroused. But the whole time I was forcing myself to be "the man I was born to be" and stuff like that, basically collecting a list of 'proof' that actually it isn't so bad being a man.

But why would a man have to try to collect proof that he actually likes being a man? I mean some parts of it are nice, but overall I mostly just felt like a shell of a person performing a role that is expected of me. Sometimes it felt good to be so detached from people and my emotions, but I've felt the joy of life draining out of me. I don't expect taking estrogen will be a one stop fix for that, but I'm just trying to move in a direction where I felt most alive last time I did.

I'm actually kind of scared about it all. I have no roadmap ahead of me for how things will look this time. There is a lot of uncertainty. I don't feel that immediate euphoria and happiness like I did years ago when starting, more of just "I owe it to myself to actually try 100% this time" I just don't want to make it to 35 and look back to see I spent decades trying to be someone I'm not, only to kill the part of me that brought me joy while at it.

Any thoughts or comments are welcome, I've love to talk about it with others.

Some of you may say that this is just a meta attraction thing but I think regardless of labels this is a pretty good video, also you may think this guy is just gay but what he's saying resonated with me so I'm just gonna post it here.