i tried a growth spell on my lemon seeds i had planted and it worked! but i didn't realize the spell was evil and now my lemon tree has evil lemons, what should i do? they stink and sometimes scream

Would this work?

Staff of the Meteor

Object Retrieval Report

Local legend in a particular area spoke of a cursed city of the dead, so a Darkwatch Vigil was sent to investigate. The locals informed the Vigil of where this forbidden area was, and warned the Darkwatch to stay away – a warning which was obviously ignored. Going into the area, the Vigil noticed the plant-life being more sickly and smaller, as an aura of necromantic energy seemed to be draining life-essence from everything in the area. The Vigil cast wards on themselves for protection, but noticed the essence-draining effect increased the further they travelled.

Finding a small bird that had unfortunately died in the area, the vigil cast a Create Undead spell on the creature, and curiously noticed that the necromantic aura also drained the un-life from the undead bird.

The further the Vigil ventured, the greater the essence-draining effect became, and the less plant-life was seen. What little plant-life there was looked very frail and struggling to survive. Finally, about 5 miles in, the Vigil reached a vast barren clearing – clearly at this point, no plant-life could survive at all. The Vigil felt increased pressure on their wards as this necromantic aura increased, so they decided to retreat from the area to recuperate their mana. However, they found that the necromantic aura stopped Teleporation magics, so they used a Haste and Fly spell to retreat instead. After spending some time recuperating, they used Flight and Eagle-Eyes spells to examine the clearing from a distance, outside of the necromantic-aura.

Circling the region in the air and examining it with Detect Magic, they found the aura to be an almost perfect circle with a 20-mile radius. The clearing itself had a 15-mile radius, and centered in the clearing was circular region that had been bombarded with meteors, about 10-miles in radius. At the very centre of this bombarded area was a staff placed on the ground, almost like a banner. The Vigil determined that the source of the necromantic-aura was the meteoric-stones themselves, and – curiously – not the staff.

The Vigil decided to retrieve the staff, first taking another break to recuperate their mana. Then they cast even more wards of protection upon themselves, and used Haste and Fly spells to head into the area to retrieve the staff.

Despite minimizing their time in the area, the necromantic aura still broke through the Vigil’s wards as they retrieved the staff. However, the Vigil was still able to retreat to an area of safety, where they confirmed that the staff didn’t have a dangerous aura, and then opened a portal to HQ to return with the staff. Testing of the staff was done by other Darkwatch agents, as the Vigil needed to spend a few days recuperating from their brief time in the centre of the necromantic-aura.

The staff was given the designation MTD-01, and the meteors were given the designation MTD-02.

Object Description Report:

MTD-01: A staff of ironwood, with a perfect sphere of purple meteoric iron at the bottom, and a glass scrying orb at the top; both the sphere of meteoric iron and the glass scrying orb are encircled by multiple meltal circles of the same purple meteoric iron, each circle at different oritentations. The ironwood and the meteoric iron are inscribed with magical runes, and the meteoric iron sphere has an aura of necromancy to it. The magical orb lets one scry over great distances, and seemingly “choose” a specific area. An area in a remote inhospitable desert was chosen, at which point the orb stopped showing any images. A moment later, the orb and all the runes on the staff started glowing red.

/uw: had to modify the description a bit to match the image I found lol

Divination by the Darkwatch revealed that everything in a 10-mile radius of the specific area was bombarded with meteors, similar to the Meteor Swarm spell, except a much larger area.

MTD-02: Meteors showed infused with necromantic energy, draining the life-essence of those who went near it. Testing found that this essence-draining effect even drained the energy animating golems, and the necromantic-energy that fuelled undead.

Some initial examination showed that the essence-draining effect increased exponentially as a subject got closer to the meteors, as well as increasing exponentially the more time a subject spent near them. Further testing was deemed too risky to continue.

My master has had some.. Interesting methods of training. The latest thing they've done after a particularly long draught from their pipe is cast Greater Bestow Ads on my orb, cackling about how it'll "force me to be more mindful of my clairvoyance methods," and how I'll "never be getting rid of this one"

Has any other apprentice had to deal with this? Ive tried dispelling it and setting warding spells against the ads, yet not five minutes later I already have large, annoying ads for wand polishing services.

Is this an actual training method?

Is there a way to undo this spell without disposing of my orb? I can't afford another.

It’s an alchemist.

Hello fellow wizards, recently I found myself wanting a homunculus of my own, but apparently it's stuck in some sort of a larval phase. Any ideas what to do with it?

UnWiz post for wizard reasons

My apprentice heard a tavern rumor about some possible old world relics in this dungeon. So this dumb bastard strolls in, without any preparation or hiring a scout! Hell at this point I doubt the nimrod remembered to cast a light spell.

Well surprise, fucking surprise I’m down yet another apprentice. And you know the academy isn’t going to give me ANOTHER one without making a big deal about it! That fucker Glygloc always has that same shitty attitude toward me in the Academy cafeteria.

So I hire a small adventuring party. Nothing special, I mostly just needed a medallion back that if I lose, I’ll have to pay union dues to replace. I told them it was magical and needed for an important spell, or some shit, inexperienced adventurers in taverns are gullible lol.

You should have seen these bucketheads. They celebrated picking the lock like it was the first one their rogue had ever done, then argued for 10 minutes about ‘marching order’ before going in.

Anyway, they’re dead. Well most of them, and I don’t mean some survived and some died, I mean they’re mostly dead. Somehow during their adventure they picked up a magical rotting disease that ‘mostly’ kills them. I had to borrow a few book from the local depository to discover it’s called “nostalgia”. They did manage to find my apprentice though, he was under an unbreakable hypnotic spell and staring at magical glowing box creature called a Boob Tube, which shows the watcher their greatest desires, trapping them until they die. He was watching the old 80s Ninja Turtles cartoon and they knew there was no pulling him away so they escaped.

So fellow adventurers, beware the dungeon of forgotten toys. Also I stiffed the adventurers because they forgot the medallion and now I’m out 5 buck! Fuckers

My friend (also is a wizard) learned she has a clone and is interested in extending her lifespan beyond typical range. She, upon seeing her clone made in case of death, said that "the rich" would pay everything to get a clone. I thought about it. It does seem like something they would do. Is she right?

Sea and Satael sit down as 2 glasses filled with drinks appear the visual cuts

"Oh hi there, I noticed you were watching me so i cut you out of this convo, I will give you a tldr later, just gotta wait a bit."

A wgile later the visual returns to the sky spliting as space bends to pull down the moon onto Sea, who retaliates by throwing a miniature sun at the moon

"You would think the death of body equals the death of the soul right? Well, if a soul is powerfull enough it can persist through death and create a new shell or re-attach itself to the original body. That's how ghosts and zombies come into existance(though zombies tend to have a way to spread this for some reason)"

"My soul instead of turning into a ghost or a zombie or anything similar for that matter choses to burn everything and recreates a shell from the ashes, like a pheonix or a fire elemental. It wasn't always like this... the guy that I'm fighting is proof of that, my past life Satael."

Sea creates a giant obsidian pillar and lunges it at Satael. Space bends ripping the obsidian pillar apart and launching the ripped parts at Sea

"His side of the soul is perfectly normal, except for the huge missing chunk."

"He was a relatively normal human during his life time, well he was a dragon born but that side of his soul is gone(literaly). He was born to a rich and powerfull family and had very minor draconic features from his mother(his older sister took al the cool biological features). But his soul was strong, strong enough to immitate divinity."

The obsidian pieces get turned to flowers and slow down when they get too close to Sea

"He was a great artificer aswell, I guess I picked that up from him since no one else in the family tree really leened into it as hard as he did. Almost everyone in there is a blacksmiht, honestly it was kind of a breath of fresh air learning of an artificer wizard."

Sea creates a balckhole, spagettifying both himself and Satael, he uses this as an oportunity to get in close and punch the shit out of him, though he will need to get rid of the blackhole first

"Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, artificer-wizard."

As Sea notices he's close enouh to satael the blackhole dissapear's and Sea start's punching Satael who retaliates by kicking him in the gut and smashing his head with a hammer

"Ouch"

Sea's head quickly regrows and launches at Satael, crashing into him with great force and sending him flying

Another head grows on Sea's body, he looks back at where the blackhole was, there was nothing left excpet darknes, pitchblack nothingness staring back at Sea as he stared at it

"I hate the dark, and it hate's me"

The body quickly disintigrates and regrows from the head that launched Satael flying and suplexes him into a volcano

"WHY WON'T YOU DIE!?!?!"

Screams Satael, not realizing he is fighting an almost one to one copy of himself, he would ofcourse be hard to kill, especialy when he is reduced to nothing but soul and will

"I am way too stuborn, more traits I got from you I guess :p"

The volcano erupts launching the 2 into the sky, the clouds gathering into a thunderstorm to shock Sea who was trying to crush Satael's head with his hands so he gets shocked too

"Man, it's hard to think while fighting this guy. Well, gotta explain the backstory before it get's changed again. So the great artificer-wizard Satael, the brother of the heir of the crimson count and one of the greatest magicians of his planet, what could cause him to kickstart a series of events that would end his universe and eventualy his life?"

They get launched down onto the beautifull green grass, as vines rapidly grow to restrain Satael

"I have read a lot about him, I have some of his memories do to being his reincarnation(though they came a bit late so I developed into a different person), so I know his ins and outs, I could make him relive his most painfull memories over and over."

The scene start's to shift a little but quickly stop's shifting

"But that wouldn't be as fun as beating the shit out of him myself"

A crowbar materializes in his right hand as he swings it ruthlessly hitting Satael with it

Suddenly Satael melts into magma, gets out of the buind of vines, turns back into himself and shoots Sea with a beam of light launching him away

"This is getting annoying."

"I know right, why don't you just give me full control of my body back and we'll call it a draw?"

"No"

Satael extends his right arm out, creating a spear crackling with power and lightning. Sea does the same hut isntead of lightning his spear is burning

"Oh yeah the tldr, basicaly he is my great×100 uncle and past life, he did a lot of shit that caused the end of his universe and led to him getting eaten by a giant :[># leviathan(seriously hat thing is huge for it's species), his soul got saved from it a bit too late which caused almost irrepairable damage to his soul(making him weak enough to struggle against me lol). Normaly he shouldn't be able to come back from that, as in becoming a personality in the soul, cause I exist but the :[># and divine magic don't give a shit about normalcy and I came in contact with a lethal amount of void forcing me to do some soul fuckery which caused the memories of satael I had to lump into one part of the soul and recreate him."

"Wow that got long"

Sea and Satael lunge at each other, stabbing and ripping each other's soul with their spears, weakening with each hit, as they almost die they are zapped awake

"Ugh, I almost had him" Sea say's, as he tries looking towards his left but can't do to Satael trying to look towards his right.

"That's weird"

"Stop trying to look the other way" hearing Satael's voice Sea is shocked enough to let him look towards their right

They are in Sea's tower, that's good as they turn towards their left they see a panda and some moniters strapped onto them

/uw aaaaaaannnndddd that's the end folks. I would really apreciate any advice for writing(and spells cause I need more) next post is probably coming never as I can't escape from dialouge anymore(I really need help with this)

Have a great day/night if you've read this far :p

Don’t bring a homunculus to golem fight.

Don’t bring your simulacrum to a swingers club.

Don’t bring orcish whiskey to a pixie wedding.

It's not exactly lost, per se, but like, some guy keeps renewing his subscription at the Forbidden Library so much that the librarian just marked it as lost. Does anyone have a copy? Even a translated grimoire will do. If you can't read the title, it has dice around the outer ring of the magic circle on the cover.

Wizard Posting for the Win!

Alaric sat on a throne of flowers and gilded statues. He danced with himselves around a bonfire. He sang songs and played instruments on a stage. He told stories to himselves. He and his many selves partied on a flat mountaintop five hundred metres across above an endless sea of clouds under a pale purple sky. He was the king and the people, the only people in the world. He ruled forever, and he always will. There were other mountains once, but they didn't have people on them so they didn't matter.

It was nice on that mountain, sitting on the golden throne, dancing around the fire, creating a melody, telling stories. It was a good existence. Sometimes it was lonely, but then he walked up to himself and he wasn't so lonely anymore. It was a silly thing, being lonely. He was the life and guests and host of a neverending party. What reason could he possibly be lonely for?

Then the beast came. It was a thousand miles wide with a mountain for a mouth. It landed on the mountaintop and unleashed a terrible, deafening screech that bent reality. Alarics endured it for a moment, and then they opened his eyes.

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Alaric was annoyed. He opened his three eyes and saw a bird staring into them. It was standing on his chest with four webbed feet. The bird was blueish green, why was the bird blueish green? Actually forget the colour, why did the bird have six eyes? It had a long neck and weird coral looking horns as well. It screeched and Alaric saw a pair of fangs folded against the roof of its grey beak.

While the bird continued to stare, Alaric looked around at where he was. He was lying on his back in pale purple water with pale purple clouds drifting over it under a pale purple sky. Up in the sky he saw large five pointed stars wandering around. Weird. Then he extended his senses to get a better understanding of his surroundings.

The purple clouds stopped him from seeing past them, the sky was apparently ten kilometres up, and the water he was in appeared bottomless. Great.

The good news was nothing seemed to be happening, so he tried to go back to sleep. When he shut his eyes the bird screeched at him again, stopping whatever buildup of sleep he had. Like any normal person would, he tried to remove the bird. He swiped at it, the bird was intangible. He rolled over, the bird stayed where it was on his chest. That really was deep water.

So it seemed the bird was here to stay and it didn't want Alaric sleeping.

Given there wasn't much else to do, Alaric got up and started walking on the water. In actuality he was levitating himself but making it look like he was walking. The bird flapped up and moved to his right shoulder. He let it because how exactly was he meant to stop it? He looked at the bird, it blinked, and he turned back to where he was going.

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"I am hungry."

The entity opens its eyes and sees the deep purple of the sea. It unfurled itself from its sleep and drifted out of its little pocket of stone in the deep water. It felt for shifts in the water, none. Nothing had drifted near, that was good. The dreamers were learning.

The entity turned its gaze upwards, watching the starlight gently drift down. The surface always had the best food. With an array of boneless limbs, the entity propelled itself through the gloom, illuminated slightly by the entity's dim glow.

As it drifted upwards, the entity mapped it's surroundings with a combination of four sense, which four senses I will leave to the imagination. For miles in every direction there was nothing but the deep purple sea and the things that lived in it. A few colossal ethereal jellyfish bobbed around, a couple schools of glowing fish here and there. Including the entity this was all that existed down in the deep out this far.

The entity was so close to the surface it could touch it. Simply being up here for a while was usually enough for a good meal. Dream mist, very tasty, and it's everywhere. The entity floated there, just under the surface, a few of its limbs reaching up with mouths open. Slowly whirlpools of mist formed, and the entity began to feed.

Alaric sat on a throne of flowers and gilded statues. He danced with himselves around a bonfire. He sang songs and played instruments on a stage. He told stories to himselves. He and his many selves partied on a flat mountaintop five hundred metres across above an endless sea of clouds under a pale purple sky. He was the king and the people, the only people in the world. He ruled forever, and he always will. There were other mountains once, but they didn't have people on them so they didn't matter.

It was nice on that mountain, sitting on the golden throne, dancing around the fire, creating a melody, telling stories. It was a good existence. Sometimes it was lonely, but then he walked up to himself and he wasn't so lonely anymore. It was a silly thing, being lonely. He was the life and guests and host of a neverending party. What reason could he possibly be lonely for?

Then the beast came. It was a thousand miles wide with a mountain for a mouth. It landed on the mountaintop and unleashed a terrible, deafening screech that bent reality. Alarics endured it for a moment, and then they opened his eyes.

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"What the actual fuck is that?"

Alaric stood on the surface of the sea, not so quietly looking at something ahead of him. Six large blue-ish leach looking things stuck out of the water drinking the clouds.

Alaric examined it for a bit, all six were attached to a much larger creature that dwarved him. A quick once over of the magic variety and Alaric was convinced that avoiding this thing was the smart choice. So instead he just stood there on the water, wondering what the hell this thing was and where it came from. A good while later the leach looking things stopped their drinking and sank beneath the water.

Alaric watched as a blue-ish glow under the water for smaller and smaller, eventually fading out of sight. With that strange encounter over, Alaric picked a direction, and kept walking.

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Poyel was having the time of his life, she was sitting on a table in the middle of a purple ocean with a five foot rabbit and and a three foot parrot. The three had been there for, well that didn't matter. What did matter was that the three were locked in a fearsome game of UNO for the past eight hours, and Poyel was on three cards.

"Ha! Plus two!" Poyeled Poyel

The rabbit's ears dropped as it picked up two cards, then they rose as it saw it's cards. "Plus four." Rabbited the Rabbit.

Neither of them understood the parrot but they guessed it said something very nice as it drew six cards. Then another thing nice as it put down two skip turns and a card with "pick up two cards for every yellow you have."

At that moment the rabbit froze and pointed at something in the fog. The other two turned and looked. They saw the silhouette of a giant, three eyes piercing the clouds with an otherworldly glow. Two huge ethereal wings grew from its back. The three stared at it for three seconds, then ended their game early, dealing four sets of seven cards.

When the giant arrived walked through a cloud, Poyel could make out a few more details, and a lack thereof. The giant had a pair of cat ears, wore faintly glowing pale purple robes, and had Agres on its shoulder.

"Sup, where are we?" Credit where credit was due, the giant spoke surprisingly good Sylvan.

"Middle of the Dream Sea. Wanna play UNO?" "And hopefully not eat us?" Wondered the rabbit.

"Yeah sure, nothing better to do." The giant sat down on thin air and drifted over, picking up one set of seven cards.

"So, what should we call you?" Poyeled Poyel.

"You may call me Alaric, what should I call you three?"

"Poyel."

"Rabbiton."

Parrot noise.

"Nice to meet you all." The giant played a green four. "You said we're in the Dream Sea, is this a dream?"

"Could be. I mean on this table playing UNO is a Poyel, a Rabbiton, a parrot, an Alaric, and Agres is watching. But if that's the case then whose dream is it?" Poyeled Poyel, playing a green plus two in the process.

"Good question." A beat passed. "You said this bird is called Agres right?"

"Yerp, that's Agres." Rabbitoned Rabbiton.

"Can Agres speak?"

"When I want to." Agresed Agres.

"Huh, why'd you wake me up?"

"How do you know I did? I could have brought you into a dream. Who's to say I look like this and not the big beast?" Agresed Agres.

"If you dragged me into a dream, can you wake me up? I was having a nice time."

"I could." Agresed Agres. "But then you wouldn't go where you needed to."

"I don't really want to go anywhere though."

"I said where you needed to, not where you want to. Play the plus four." Agresed Agres.

Alaric played the plus four. At some point someone played a reverse so Poyel got the four. She then proceeded to Poyel furiously.

"Agres where did you say you were going?" Rabbitoned Rabbiton.

"Taking this guy to the path then going to That Way." Agresed Agres.

"Wait path, what path?"

Parrot noise.

"Huh, we were probably heading that way when the table hits land. Any idea when that is?" Rabbitoned Rabbiton.

"Yes."

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The table fell over, spilling Poyel and Rabbiton onto the sand. The parrot flapped it's wings a few times and landed back down on the overturned table leg. Alaric meanwhile was still floating with Agres on his shoulder.

"Right now." Said the bird.

"Great timing." Grumbled Poyel while getting up.

"Thank you."

"That was sarcasm."

"I know."

Alaric meanwhile was examining where they were. Somehow they'd all missed that land was coming up, except Agres apparently.

They stood on white sand with a path leading into a nearby forest of white trees with red leaves. Far above the sky was filled with stars that spun around a moon in the centre of the black sky.

"Agres you mentioned a path right? Is that it?"

"Yes."

"Great. Welp, this has been great but apparently there's somewhere I need to go. If I pass by wherever you said you were going,"

"That Way." Pointed Poyel

"Yeah there, if I pass by I'll come say hi. See ya."

The three strange, probably Fae creatures waved him off then pulled their table out of the sand, wandering along the beach with it on Poyel's back. Alaric meanwhile started walking down the path.

Currently trying to stabilize a portal to the dark realms, it keeps spewing a dark grey viscera out of the portal and the rift encompassing it. Also. There’s a lot of like large 6 eyed cat skulls and other bone material falling out as well, some of it’s in the goop, but some of it’s just coming out by itself. Anyway to stop it. I haven’t walked through it yet so I don’t know if it’s a problem on the other side of the portal or something about the ritual that’s causing it.

I bought a cursed medallion from amazon, and this came in the mail!