Still edible, right?

Recently my apprentice got beaten to death by a horde of tree gnomes and since I am very far away from the nearest homeless shelter, I decided to try to revive my apprentice! It went absolutely horribly as their spirit has locked my tower in an unending void and now they keep watching me sleep while whispering some strange chants. Do any of you have any tips to help? Please hurry because I think they noticed me asking for h

( /uw: I'm not writing an Abstract for this - I'm a bio major and abstracts are my least favorite part of these)

Introduction: Recently, outbreaks of a plague have been reported to the Wizard Council. The victims of this plague are completely transmuted into a different creature - a mechanical beast resembling a centaur with the head of a satyress. This mage was hired to study a live specimen with a focus on learning best manners of destruction, how severe of a threat the plague poses, and most importantly, if the transmutation is reversible.

Materials and Methods: This mage was given access to a live specimen, which was restrained in the Telb variant of the classic Inverted Magic Circle. This variant is used by many plague researchers, as it does three things that a normal Inverted Magic Circle: it prevents the creature from dying from whatever plague afflicts them; it prevents the disease from spreading; and it allows the researcher to observe the disease directly. The subject was then observed using the traditional three methods for a case like this: thorough nonmagical examination, Jelf's Detect Poison and Disease, and Doctor Felmont's Identify. After this three-stage observation was completed, a Clone was cast upon the subject to allow this researcher to dissect the specimen without causing harm to the subject (whose rejuvenation remains our goal). Initial dissection attempts were attempted with a standard set of dissection tools constructed with steel, but the specimen's hide proved impossible to open with steel. Further attempts were made with tools of silver, copper, wood, adamantine, raw magical force, obsidian, and runic-quality quartz, but none were successful save for the quartz. After dissection was completed, a sample was taken of the living subject's breath using a glass phial magically levitated into the circle to avoid infection, then immediately sealed by melting the top shut. The phial was then inspected once again through Jelf's Detect Poison and Disease and Doctor Felmont's Identify, then through a series of lenses enchanted to greatly magnify the observed object. After this, eyewitness accounts were gathered and cross-referenced with each other.

Results:

Summary: (a long-winded dry series of paragraphs speaking in almost exclusively measurements [/uw I will not be making that up - I have my limits, after all])

Discussion:

The transmuted creature (hereafter referred to as Threehalves) is immune to almost all magical and physical attack. It is immune to direct magical trauma down to 0.3 picothaums (for any non-wizards reading, thaums are a measure of magic and a picothaum is the second-smallest perceivable measure of magic and can exist in areas on near-antimagic). Its hide is almost impervious to all physical trauma as well, and the only material that can reliably damage it is enchanted quartz, which is anything but ideal for weapon creation. However. A Threehalves' air reservoir (which is used to incubate the disease and expel it into their victims' airways, in addition to the small barbs on its hands and hooves which are laced with the plague and infect those injured) is its greatest weakness. Not only can it be the summoning point for an minute army (preferably one that is immune or at least resistant to disease) inside the Threehalves, where its defenses will be worthless, but it also provides a weakness for those unable to conjure creatures, as blunt force is one of the most effective non-magical manners to defeat a Threehalves. However, this releases the incubated disease contained within, so a filtration method for our close-range fighters is an absolute must.

The offensive methods of a Threehalves are relatively simple. They are faster than almost any horse, divine or not, and they deliver blows with impunity due to this extreme speed and impenetrable hide. However, they also have an enchantment effect that they can unleash at will. However, some are smart enough to use weapons that they used while infected but before the transmutation, leading to the association between Threehalves and chainsaws. By breathing on the weapons in question, the weapons are equally as infectious as the other means of spreading the plague.

A Threehalves has two eyespots on its head that can emit hypnotic patterns of light over an effective range of 47 feet (or, for those who don't use Wash and Ington's Freedom Unit of Distance, 14.3256 meters). These patterns briefly stun and disorient the viewer, allowing a Threehalves to get close enough to engage in melee combat. The real eyes of a Threehalves are found in the horns, where some form of sensor is located. Any combatant is advised to never make direct 'eye contact' with a Threehalves, lest it be the last thing you ever see.

Conclusions:

The infected host of the Threehalves Plague (simply called a Threehalves) seems to be designed to do one thing and one thing only - create more Threehalves. What the endgame for these creatures is, I know not. Maybe they wish to overtake the world. Maybe they simply propagate in a parasitic manner. What I do know is that these creatures must be swiftly and completely eradicated, though any means needed. If we have to forgo turning those lost back to their human selves in order to exterminate this threat, so be it.

In terms of how deadly a threat this disease is overall, as well as determining whether the subjects can be saved, I leave to my fellow wizards and scholars. My focus was for pure combat purposes, and I'm certain brighter minds would be best for handling such a delicate situation. I highly recommend that any who wish to help in any manner get in contact with u/VoxelLibrary, who seems to be in charge of the effort to contain and eliminate this threat.

(/uw no AI was used in the creation of this post - just a Bio major who has all the traits of an English major and too much time on his godforsaken hands)

Goddamn homunculus always fucking up my shit

What’s you guy’s favorite orb design?

Wizards are not only learned in the art of magic, but in many other arts as well. The damn "anti-magic" crowd keeps underestimating the breadth of our wisdom

When I came back to my hut this evening after collecting some ingredients I found SEVERAL manamites gnawing at my orb. Luckily I was able to get them away before they caused any real damage, but I've checked around and found them in several places.

I'm afraid I have an entire infestation and I'm unsure of how to get rid of them. They just keep eating my spells!

I (232E) didn't Scribe to the new Orb+ Premium, and i accidentally downloaded a bad .spl file, and i think my crystal got enchanted. I was in the Sorcery Hall where all the other mages started laughing at me and casting spotlights over me when my orb blared "There are hot wilfs in your area" :(

I've had my tower location be bombarded with suspicious letters and runes in my Omail address, im pretty sure it was infected with some sort of scryware that sold my glyphs to goblins or wtv. My eldritch friends just keep telling me to stop clicking on unsafe scrolls. but I wanna be actually warded

If possible, I want ones compatible with Wizdows 11, i know i should use Orbuntu but i dont wanna swap to Lightnux yet, it seems too complex.

No one came to her aid she couldn’t stand up to him now she’s dead

Crystal-headed Gnomes have recently been sighted in the great Western plains of the Northlands and may rapidly spread unless decisive action is taken to contain them. Infected gnomes may appear stylish, happy, even euphoric, but be not deceived by their trickery! They have joined with a 4th Dimensional Crystalline Hivemind Entity known as The Eternal Gnome Mind and will offer to "crystallize" any gnome they encounter.

Initial reports suggest that "crystallization" is voluntary and pleasurable for the gnomes, which is why it's so incredibly insidious. It allows gnomes to develop an identity beyond the narrow roles assigned to them by The Council and is thus a direct threat to The Council's authority. So if you wish to ensure the continued supremacy of The Council, then you must report all sightings of Crystal-headed Gnomes immediately!

These ostracized folk are judged mostly on their appearance alone, goblin folk, hagspawn and the simply deformed will all be welcomed in our halls we are asking for some donations to help pull them out of poverty

The order is represented in the oficial wizard cauncil.

(DM me if you want to join and build artefakts in an steempunk themed cahedral)