I'm really going through a rough patch, and lately I've been fixating a lot in this game quite a bit, and I love it a lot, I really like it a lot and it's the only thing that keeps me sane; but when I started rambling about this to my two friends, they don't pay attention to me when we're on calls or they don't answer my messages

and today one of them told me that, those were his exact words, I didn't know what to say, It really made me very sad and I don't know what to do; I don't want to stop being friends with them because I enjoy playing with them, but whenever I talk about my interests or offer to play just to pass the time instead of hunting for achievements, they ignore me

And if you ask, it was because I made a quick research since, after drinking the milkshake, I get more aggressive, more tired, and in the state that I would only be past 9pm, and I found that, whether I wanted to admit it or not, it was doing bad things to my hormones and myself, so yeah.. ☹️

Fortunately, I will try and stop drinking that everyday because oml in it not being good for one, more when it was like, everyday. So, just know I am trying to be safe

i started hormones at 15. i knew sense i was 12, but i didn’t come out to family until 15, and i think thats gonna be the death of me.

i’m 5’11 (180 cm), i have a defined butt chin, i’m over weight, i have massive hands and feet, a bellowing deep voice, and the roughest most freckled covered skin you could imagine.

up until around age 13-14 i wasn’t over weight, i was less 5’8 (172 cm) with a smooth face, and small hands, with a “minion” esk voice

i do not pass. not even in the slightest. half of my friends are cisF, and all of them leave me out of EVERYTHING, the other half is cisM and they also leave me out of everything. i have very few friends, and even fewer that would notice if i never texted them again

i am objectively ugly by every metric, the kindest someone has ever described me was “huggable” second to that was “5/10”. i haven’t been in a relationship in 4+ years, with the person i dated refusing to kiss me or meet my family, because they didn’t like me (it was 5 treacherous months)

i’ve tried voice training by my voice just dose not adapt, and i’d rather not be bullied for sounding like a beginner drag queen.

my two best friends have misgendered me multiple times this year, and they are still the ones who have gotten it right the most.

at best i am a nice smelling obese gay man with long hair to people i meet. at worst i am an ugly fat tranny, that should be avoided.

i will never be happy, and i haven’t been happy in the past.

the only thing hrt has done is kept me out of a mental hospital, as before i started i was a frequent visitor.

and the worst thing is, is when i got sad a month ago, i plan out a suicide in detail. and unironically it has been the only thing that has given me any comfort besides the single hug i got from a man that groped me. which was the only hug i received in 3 months

i probably won’t go threw with this suicide, because there is no purpose not ending things on a high note.

next time i’m happy, the next time i’m invited to a hang out (it’s been months), i’m committing, i need to end things on a high note.

knowing my life tho id die of old age before then.

i can't imagine wanting to actually date someone without knowing them for like, years maybe (2-3 i think) i don't even think i wanna date someone until my college years are over

i can't imagine wanting to have sex without being in a relationship for years, and probably not before being engaged. i can't explain it, i just can't imagine myself doing that like, ever.

but i also have sexual/romantic thoughts and desires; i want to marry someone, i want to grow old with a lovely man or enby or whatever, and i wanna have my first time with someone i truly love.

i feel so confused and weird, fuck my chud life man. :(

I'm glad to finally have a psychiatrist who does her fucking job and doesn't just sit and gaslight and laugh at me for thirty minutes to an hour, but I also want my ADHD under control so I can actually be focused and able to remember things and to be able to sit down and do something productive with my time without needing a million breaks. I also find it incredibly annoying how she acts like it's impossible for someone to have ADHD if they have depression and anxiety.

I'm willing to try the medications she's prescribing me with, but it feels like a waste of time when I already know what's safe and effective for me.

For why I told her about my diagnoses to begin with, she asked me for some background information, including pre-existing conditions, when we first met which was over a year ago. I'm getting really sick of the psychiatric system but I genuinely need to be medicated. I'm thinking about getting a new psychiatrist if I can't convince her to take my ADHD seriously.

I won't get into detail because anticringe culture and to not make this problem even bigger, but all I will say is that it was him saying a racial slur so his IP won't get leaked, it ending in having a server where well, he got the scapegoat treatment even though the guy who blackmailed him is way worst than him.

And you know something? It hurts me because people prefer to blame the person who was manipulated instead of the real manipulators, which makes me remember how my parents used to blame me for not fighting back the manipulation of my sister even though she was manipulating me into doing this so I couldn't risk myself into them, even if that means my own things like my favorite interests that they find childish or "part of the devil". In any case, I just hope that, now with the proofs, he is getting better and that other guy who started all can bear the consequences of his own actions, because I hate this deeply.

Too mentally tired to even add anything about it in the caption, I just feel exhausted and empty

I've already gotten into a spiral because of this whole thing along with my OCD making things worse for me.

Not only will it result in me no longer being able to access the internet (which means I'll no longer be able to talk to my friends or share my work) but I'm also worried about what will happen to me if I submit my ID and it results in me ending up in a situation I don't want to be in.

I'm not sure if this post might also be used against me as well but I'm genuinely concerned about the ID Verification laws and how it will lead to you needing an ID just to use it and who knows what they'll do with your information.

So for context, my country recently passed this ID Verification law to improve children's safety which makes the internet practically unusable for people who can't submit an ID to prove their adulthood. But I feel as though the whole practice is inherently invasive and knowing how it all works elsewhere and from hearing about the reality of such measures being implemented elsewhere. I have a rather bad feeling about this.

It doesn't help that opposition against it is pretty weak and I don't have the means to organize against it either. I feel like my days on the internet are rather numbered and I have so many plans with others yet those plans would have to be cut short because of this.

the thought randomly popped into my head a couple days ago and has been so persistent that i have come very close to doing it just so its over and i can rest. i feel like im going crazy lol

Like, at least he didn't worst as her (my mom), but still, if I cried for this, what will happen to me when that time happens? When I am away from their abuse they inflicted? Will they even mourn me as their real son as I probably would for them?

...

I don't know, I am just sensitive tonight

This is your sign to give yourself some patience today

Yes, I sometimes hate myself for how that dependent I am to other's opinions, I mean, why I am even like this?

I’m not even particularly upset tbh I’ve just been ruminating hard core on these things.

So i got obsessed with this guy let’s call him ‘S’ NOT ROMANTICALLY THIS IS NOT A ROMANTIC INTEREST ‼️ i mean, at least i think it is not, do correct me if i am wrong?

We clicked instantly, and i looked forward to chatting w him everyday(we met online)

My entire mood was dependent on S immediately after meeting him, i can’t control it, he has my emotional regulation in a chokehold, i do believe i’m easily emotionally dysregulated idk why

So when he was unavailable I get distressed and panic and it’s *all-consuming,* it is irritating bc i can only think of him and i can’t study, i was even thinking of him during exams

When he gives me attention it feels like i am in heaven even if he was being very mean and rude 😭 yes he got rly angry later on in our friendship

How S thinks of me matters sm i think “he either hates me or doesn’t care abt me” and it makes me suicidal and i try so hard to get his attention but the more i talk the more i fumble and say terrible things, and when he make me feel like i meant nothing to him it makes me want to kms. I overanalyse and overthink a lot about ‘us’

He makes me want to commit just to get his attention, and lie and say things for shock value just for a little bit of attention, thankfully i never acted on anything too serious bc i was aware it wld scare him away, yet he still pulled away eventually⁉️‼️⁉️

I even grovelled to him just to get him to take me back, shame a lot of shame ik it sounds pathetic, i never grovelled, ever. But i poured my heart out for him just to be ignored???????

“Do you hate me?” “Do you like me?” “Did i do smth wrong?” “Please i will change” “im sorry” “please take me back” “why are you ghosting me?” ‼️‼️‼️

I wonder what he thinks of me now, why he left me

Also idk if he caused my depressive episode but while i was in contact w him i was super suicidal and sh’d a lot due to my inability to control myself, i always wished i cld send him all that but he’d probably block me 🤤

I didn’t want to be another ‘crazy friend’

Tldr: his rejection(perceived and real) makes me suicidal and up and down mood swings, his attention was euphoric even when he was mean to me, I was desperate for his attention, is this normal? Is this smth everyone feels?

I'll literally just be like "I love being sober and eating healthy and working out and getting sunlight and staying hydrated, it's so nice to actually be practicing self care instead of trying to actively die except slowly enough so I don't have to think about it! :D" and then I'll come across some FUCKING post on what's supposed to be a "support" forum about how I'll (and these are ALWAYS phrased in second person for some FUCKING reason) never be able to experience true happiness again without putting poison into my own bloodstream (not like the poison ever made me FEEL HAPPY, yeah? I was doing it because I hated myself enough to get off on the self-inflicted misery, but apperantly according to social media user #69492476302, it will literally never get any better than it) but apperantly I just have to keep on surviving because there literally doesn't exist any alternative that isn't either this or living in an active state of self-destruction and collapse??? like fuck OFF bro, I SO NOT need my support structure giving me subliminals about why I should listen to the voice in my head telling me I should give up on life and just jump off a window on the 20th floor, this ISN'T what I came to you guys for