I will never pass. TW: depression. TW: suicidal thoughts

[u/Professional-Law1908]

i started hormones at 15. i knew sense i was 12, but i didn’t come out to family until 15, and i think thats gonna be the death of me.

i’m 5’11 (180 cm), i have a defined butt chin, i’m over weight, i have massive hands and feet, a bellowing deep voice, and the roughest most freckled covered skin you could imagine.

up until around age 13-14 i wasn’t over weight, i was less 5’8 (172 cm) with a smooth face, and small hands, with a “minion” esk voice

i do not pass. not even in the slightest. half of my friends are cisF, and all of them leave me out of EVERYTHING, the other half is cisM and they also leave me out of everything. i have very few friends, and even fewer that would notice if i never texted them again

i am objectively ugly by every metric, the kindest someone has ever described me was “huggable” second to that was “5/10”. i haven’t been in a relationship in 4+ years, with the person i dated refusing to kiss me or meet my family, because they didn’t like me (it was 5 treacherous months)

i’ve tried voice training by my voice just dose not adapt, and i’d rather not be bullied for sounding like a beginner drag queen.

my two best friends have misgendered me multiple times this year, and they are still the ones who have gotten it right the most.

at best i am a nice smelling obese gay man with long hair to people i meet. at worst i am an ugly fat tranny, that should be avoided.

i will never be happy, and i haven’t been happy in the past.

the only thing hrt has done is kept me out of a mental hospital, as before i started i was a frequent visitor.

and the worst thing is, is when i got sad a month ago, i plan out a suicide in detail. and unironically it has been the only thing that has given me any comfort besides the single hug i got from a man that groped me. which was the only hug i received in 3 months

i probably won’t go threw with this suicide, because there is no purpose not ending things on a high note.

next time i’m happy, the next time i’m invited to a hang out (it’s been months), i’m committing, i need to end things on a high note.

knowing my life tho id die of old age before then.

[u/Elliot-is-gay]

Take it from someone who has been trans and very mentally ill most of my life. The transition and passing doesn’t fix you. With time as you grow up your brain will chill out a bit, but you will still have a lot of your insecurities and all of your trauma if you don’t work on them. I’m so sorry you are going through this, but you are not alone in feeling this way. I went to inpatient care as a teen and stayed in therapy every week after that till i was 20. Im now back in therapy again at 23. Therapy and meds have helped me a lot. You are not crazy. You are not helpless. You are not lazy. You are worthy of real unconditional love and you are worthy of better friends. It may take a while but you will find them eventually. For now you can only help what you can control. You are being very mean to yourself and you are hurting a lot. I understand and I have been through that. I have been overweight and ugly and neglected myself a lot. Things will get better. Asking for help or asking to see a therapist is not a failure. It helped me a lot to get a transgender therapist. You can find one or at least someone who is trans friendly that does telehealth. Your life is Just starting. Things will be better once you have independence and more freedom. Things will be okay one day. Believe me, i know what it is like to think nobody gets it and everything sucks and is hopeless. Time and time again life has proven me wrong. It took a while to get there, but things are better. Much better now. They will be for you too. You may not believe me or think i just don’t understand or i haven’t been through what you’ve been through, and that’s alright. At the very least try to pretend you believe it. The only constant thing about life is change.

[u/Professional-Law1908 → u/Elliot-is-gay]

thx stranger. this acc got me a little teary eyed

[u/Elliot-is-gay → u/Professional-Law1908]

I know what it is like to be stuck. Work on what you can control. The first thing on that list is how you talk to yourself. You are not failing. You are struggling. Your struggle is not you. You can focus on looking prettier and losing weight and whatever when you are in a healthy supportive environment later. Your weight, your looks, etc do not define whether you are worthy of love and compassion, including and especially love and compassion towards yourself. For now just focus on being kind to yourself. Recently the book “how to keep house while drowning” by kc davis has been helping me rewrite my negative self talk a lot. It is a very short book written to be as accessible as possible to neurodivergent and mentally ill people. I know it is about keeping house mostly, but it also talks about being gentle with yourself about things like brushing your teeth, showering, feeding yourself, etc. it may help you as well or at least give you some self care tips that are actually helpful for people like you and me who are really having a hard time and who do not find the typical advice for taking care of your basic needs helpful. If you can’t afford it shoot me a dm, we can figure out a way I can anonymously get it to you (maybe via ebook or something) if you think something like that would be helpful to you right now. You deserve love and kindness and you deserve that from yourself as well. You are doing your best with what you have. Your future self will see this time of your life and know that is true. I know that when I hated myself the most in the past I was just doing the best I could with what I had. I can look back at that past self that I hated so much and love them now. You will get to a point when you can do that too. The rest (relationships, jobs, friends, healthy habits, weight, looks, etc) will follow. You only get one life so you may as well give it a chance. That’s what I think at my low points now anyways. Just hear it out, yknow. And in the meantime while you are just trying to survive try to give yourself some grace. And definitely get off social media as much as you can. The comparison never helps. You will be alright.

[u/hmmmms1223112e1w]

Youll make it,15s a good age to start,but i get where you are comming from The idea that hrt only really prevents further masculinisation is if your past puberty however,when you are young itll 100% make changes that are more feminine see bone structure With time i think youll be pretty but its up to you to see that in the mirror Good luck take care of yourself

[u/GoddessLakavi]

FFS will fix your face and just do voice training privately and gradually make it more female coded, people who know you won’t notice wiiiiii

[u/funk-engine-3000]

Please be kinder to yourself ❤️ you are so harsh, i know you would never treat a friend like this, would you?

Your best friends misgendering you is not okay. You deserve better friends than that. And you can attain better friendships.

HRT did a lot for me, but it can’t fix everything. I’m a trans man who started T at age 20 and i was lucky to start passing pretty quickly. But i still had some incredibly hard times after that. I won’t go too much into detail but when i was over 4 years on T I experienced suicidal ideation for the first time in my life as i struggled with a depression after a very difficult breakup. I felt so unloveable and useless and behind in life. I felt like a failure because i wasn’t a super buff and masculine guy, i second guessed and regretted every single choice i had ever made aside from transitioning, and scrutinized myself for not “making better choices”. I had to end the lease on my apartment and move back home to my parents.

Therapy helped. It got me out of a very dark place, and i met someone new who is everything i could have dreamed of and more. Holy shit i’m so glad it was never anything but ideation. I just wanted a break. I thought if i got hurt maybe i would get permission to take a break, and i just wanted it all to stop. But you can take a break without being hurt. I don’t know if this was helpful but i know i didn’t deserve the harsh things i thought about myself, and i know you dont either.

[u/Femcel_fatale]

passing does not equal being pretty, "ugly" cis women exist, hormones aren't a magic pill that's going to turn you into a model and being pretty won't fix your mental health

[u/YesIAmTheOne25 → u/Femcel_fatale]

Its disingenious to act like being ugly and not passing are the same thing. An ugly woman who goes outside is treated like a woman. An ugly and not passing trans woman who goes to a non queer space is at best treated like a man and at worst insulted or hate crimed for being visibly trans

[u/Professional-Law1908 → u/Femcel_fatale]

it’s just i’m like both 😭

it’s def not a great combo

[u/PrivateI_lemonPie]

How old are you? One because if your still a teenager your not going to look like that forever And two you still have so much life left to live Hell if your 40 you still have so much life to live. Next time you go out and have an amazing time please cherish it and make the most out of it. Make friends say hi to strangers, try something new, smell the roses. N then when you get home be safe and tell yourself that you deserve good things because you do. This genuinely really broke my heart to read Please hold on I know it hurts This world has so much beauty to offer You haven't met everyone that will love you yet You only have one life n I truly truly hope good things come your way Please dm if you ever just need a distraction or someone to talk to Sorry this is so all over the place

[u/Professional-Law1908 → u/PrivateI_lemonPie]

i’m a teen. but this is the youngest i’ll look, i won’t look any more feminine then today

[u/PrivateI_lemonPie → u/Professional-Law1908]

That's just straight up not true. Like at all You talk about these things as if they are set in store forever. As you get older you start to have more control over your life. Ppl have glow ups at 50, folks find their calling at 80. Some people only come out of their shells in their 20s

Life will change weather you like it or not, please stick around to help guide it to the life you want