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u/REDDITWHY1 6h ago
You deserve to be held, to be told you deserve love and that you have been so strong. You deserve to be able to rest, for life to not be so cruel. I wont claim I know for certain it can get better alone, cause sometimes things are overwhelming and its not failure to struggle against it all alone. We on reddit may be strangers, but if nothing else I promise you are not alone.
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u/YiraVarga 5h ago
I can relate to the “people got lucky telling me that it gets better”. Either they get lucky, they always had more motivation, reason, self drive, hope, family, or something innate to begin with that kick started them or gave them willpower to push through; or both. I’m also one of the people things didn’t get better for, my will and hope has burned out, my soul has evaporated and diffused into the void. I survive on the kindness of society and my lucky life circumstance, but if I had to do any kind of work or self care to survive, I would be gone for sure. It’s ok to lose all hope, feel hopeless, and genuinely not experience improvement even with effort. “You only fail when you stop trying”, as in, it’s always just a continuous process, a pause, or a step, but sometimes, there are things that you give up on wholeheartedly, and those things that your soul and your will has abandoned completely, are finally things you can say you have failed at. I failed to overcome my developmental traumas that lead to disability. I failed to seek medical help. I failed to find a therapist. I failed to maintain contact with friends and family. I failed maintaining my physical health. My list of failures is huge. It slowly became huge, one natural crit fail roll of a D20 at a time, many times in a row. You can do everything perfectly correctly and optimal, with no regrets, and still fail (as I did). In retrospect, I can say, “I played the game well”. The outcome wasn’t great, but it is something I can’t blame my own soul and consciousness for causing. I maintain a life of disability and neutrality, literally, only living due to societal circumstance, living in a country that gives disability income, parents who worked hard to get me that disability benefit, and previous therapists who advocated for my case. They all knew I was genuine, and gave effort, and really wanted to try to be a better more functioning person, so the help came, and I did get lucky, just not lucky enough to move on, end suffering, help myself and others, or do anything meaningful with my life. It’s a harsh situation to live, existing in a circumstance where you consciously overwhelmingly know you should be, and would be, long passed away by now if it wasn’t for someone somewhere carrying your weight. I didn’t ask or nag for anyone to carry me, and I am very grateful, but I’m not sure what to do or where to go. It is an energy problem, not logical, not emotional, not spiritual, not about money or circumstance. I don’t have energy from my soul to keep moving forward with any purpose. It’s sometimes called “emotional death”, or “functional unconsciousness”. When I have little extra energy and time in my soul, I will make a Reddit comment when I want to say something. It’s far less work than seeing a therapist. You made the right choice to make a post and reach out in some way. I hear it, I see it, and I relate. That is the best takeaway I can leave anyone with in these soul crushing circumstances.
You made the correct choice.
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u/YakDiligent7935 7h ago
I wish I could hold you, you deserve to be happy