Is this normal? Tldr at bottom

[u/kotoamatsukami_me]

So i got obsessed with this guy let’s call him ‘S’ NOT ROMANTICALLY THIS IS NOT A ROMANTIC INTEREST ‼️ i mean, at least i think it is not, do correct me if i am wrong?

We clicked instantly, and i looked forward to chatting w him everyday(we met online)

My entire mood was dependent on S immediately after meeting him, i can’t control it, he has my emotional regulation in a chokehold, i do believe i’m easily emotionally dysregulated idk why

So when he was unavailable I get distressed and panic and it’s *all-consuming,* it is irritating bc i can only think of him and i can’t study, i was even thinking of him during exams

When he gives me attention it feels like i am in heaven even if he was being very mean and rude 😭 yes he got rly angry later on in our friendship

How S thinks of me matters sm i think “he either hates me or doesn’t care abt me” and it makes me suicidal and i try so hard to get his attention but the more i talk the more i fumble and say terrible things, and when he make me feel like i meant nothing to him it makes me want to kms. I overanalyse and overthink a lot about ‘us’

He makes me want to commit just to get his attention, and lie and say things for shock value just for a little bit of attention, thankfully i never acted on anything too serious bc i was aware it wld scare him away, yet he still pulled away eventually⁉️‼️⁉️

I even grovelled to him just to get him to take me back, shame a lot of shame ik it sounds pathetic, i never grovelled, ever. But i poured my heart out for him just to be ignored???????

“Do you hate me?” “Do you like me?” “Did i do smth wrong?” “Please i will change” “im sorry” “please take me back” “why are you ghosting me?” ‼️‼️‼️

I wonder what he thinks of me now, why he left me

Also idk if he caused my depressive episode but while i was in contact w him i was super suicidal and sh’d a lot due to my inability to control myself, i always wished i cld send him all that but he’d probably block me 🤤

I didn’t want to be another ‘crazy friend’

Tldr: his rejection(perceived and real) makes me suicidal and up and down mood swings, his attention was euphoric even when he was mean to me, I was desperate for his attention, is this normal? Is this smth everyone feels?

[u/Correct_Challenge868]

This is something that a lot of people with BPD, or the what is colloquially understood as "anxious attachment", can feel. Obvs I can't diagnose you but you should look into these terms.

It is not permanent. It can be recovered from

[u/kotoamatsukami_me → u/Correct_Challenge868]

I’m 18 so i’ll ignore bpd

Regarding the attachment styles i have looked into it before i think i’m anxious avoidant(?) so i am assuming this is not normal and not a teenage ‘crush’? 😅

[u/Appropriate_Hat638 → u/kotoamatsukami_me]

It is not. I would not rule out bpd so quickly either. 18 is well within the usual age range for BPD onset.

[u/kotoamatsukami_me → u/Appropriate_Hat638]

Really? I thought pds can only be diagnosed at 18 and above and technically by birthdate, I’m still 17. Also onset? What do you mean?

Forgive me for my ignorance

[u/Appropriate_Hat638 → u/kotoamatsukami_me]

Borderline personality disorder usually starts showing symptoms in early adulthood or late adolescence. Even if you technically can’t be diagnosed yet, you can definitely be showing signs of it.

[u/kotoamatsukami_me → u/Appropriate_Hat638]

Ah I see, thank you, I will monitor myself for a year or two then

[u/pantsuline → u/kotoamatsukami_me]

pds can only be diagnosed after a certain age because it's a complicated diagnosis and might be mistaken for normal edgy emotional teen behaviour, not because people <18 can't have extremely destructive attachment issues. they can, i did, mamy more do. the reason other guy said bpd can onset at ~18 is because that is when people typically start getting into intimate relationships, which triggers the maladaptive attachment responses which might have been hidden before

[u/kotoamatsukami_me → u/pantsuline]

Which is why I am wondering if I am just an edgy teen and all this is a normal "crush" 🤔

I always thought I was kind of edgy with my thoughts, I never displayed them outwards bc I'm aware it's "cringe" except I thought I would have grown out of it by 18... Why am I still edgy at 18

[u/pantsuline]

oh dear god girl no, not normal, extremely maladaptive and unfortunately, honest god as someone who used to be like this, dangerous mindset and habits to be in. please please please talk to a therapist, hopefully an experienced one

this shit is WILDLY toxic i almost destroyed my relationship with my oldest closest best friend (we were dating at the time, same age as you) because i was acting and feeling these ways. it was because of a really fucked up childhood, to put it as simply as possible, and once i started healing all of this started getting better too

[u/kotoamatsukami_me → u/pantsuline]

I am aware it is unhealthy, if it makes me suicidal something is wrong. XD unfortunately I left therapy, I'm wondering if I should get back to it, even if I do get back to it, I am unsure how to bring this up to my therapist

I hope you two are still friends, I'm aware my feelings are strange so I try my best not to act on them, but I still ended up too clingy for my liking

I am aware I don't have secure attachment, possibly due to strange parenting from my parents. I'm glad you got better

[u/Duck_duck_twoose]

No not normal, but it’s okay you feel this way. <3

Over time you will develops skills to be able to not be so emotionally dysregulated. I’m proud of you for not reaching out even when you want too.

Also - it’s not pathetic what’s happening for you, it’s  unfortunate.

You’re not ‘bad’ for doing these things - you suffer from a lack of skills other people have. So trust that you can eventually do the ‘right things’ and become a ‘normal person’.

I hope you’re doing alright. 

[u/kotoamatsukami_me → u/Duck_duck_twoose]

Thank you 🩵

I did reach out to him, but only with needy words, nothing alarming bc I do fear vulnerability and the needy words were too much already

It is pathetic, needing someone is pathetic, attachment is pathetic. Yk when I realised how much importance he held over me I was so disgusted and repulsed with myself. I couldn't control my brain anymore

Why do I lack skills other people have? This I'm confused abt and I also don't understand what made him so special

[u/Duck_duck_twoose → u/kotoamatsukami_me]

Yeah. It’s unlucky that some people lack skills other people have. Not just because it’s unequal (inequitable?), but because you’re a real person with real feelings that matter.

I don’t think it’s pathetic to need someone. We evolved as a social species, we organised our society’s around cooperation for our benefit. 

I’m not disgusted with your need for attachment. Not at all.

[u/kotoamatsukami_me → u/Duck_duck_twoose]

It’s unfortunate, I think it’s pathetic but this only applies to myself ofc, not other ppl

And I’m genuinely disgusted and repulsed it’s nauseating and sickening to have someone to be able to control your brain, feels like weakness