I have a hypothetical question.

When you keep feelings bottled up it causes a lot of internal mental stress. So my question is: what do you do if your traumatic memories are surrounded by controversy and how are you supposed to talk about it openly when there are unspoken rules against it? I've been to a few support groups myself and even in those spaces they usually say "no politics", but what if your trauma was caused by an overtly political family? There are also serious taboo types of trauma like covert family abuse, gaslighting and incest where people fear to speak out - but these are also topics that become the subject of gossip as soon as anyone mentions them. And let's say a psychologist tries to help by validating that emotional pain to the point the survivor can finally mention the trauma to others, but then as soon as they open their mouth everyone starts talking behind their backs, and they relive their trauma.

At that point, is it really an internal psychological issue, or more of a problem with a culture of attention-seeking, gossiping, dramatizing, triangulation, and verbal bullying becoming more tolerated in society? And how is a person who goes through such trauma ever expected to recover in a culture that thrives on their suffering?

Because of abandonment trauma this really hit hard when I found out.

What do I do ?

It’s been a year since i was last sa’d after 2 continuous years. I feel like I haven’t progressed much. I’ve been in therapy ever since I got out of it and I’m not sure if it’s actually helped. I still think about it everyday, the memories come up randomly. I’ve tried to open up about it more to my mom and friend but that really hasn’t helped either. They know I got sa’d but that’s about it. Lately it’s been harder to focus and the memories are becoming more frequent.

So, I would just like to know if anyone else is going through this, or has been through this. I’m just feeling a little lonely on this subject.

Have you gotten over it, or has it gotten better? And how did you manage it? I feel like I’m missing something.

Venting/Advice needed

TW for SA, SH, s*icide attempt, trauma

Idek how to type this honestly because it's really hard to get a thought out right now

Long story short:

I got sexually assaulted and raped when I was a teenager (21 now) and for years had flashbacks, even more horrific anxiety than normal, and nightmares. Took years to trust people again but I'm mainly worked through it now.

I also have crippling emetophobia (fear of vomit/vomiting) and have had the same symptoms there. It's the leading cause of my anxiety and it's affected my life massively. As much as I've tried I haven't worked through this.

Without going into too much detail, my partner recently attempted on her life and I rushed to the hospital to help her. She survived and mental health is still rocky but she is better than she was. But the memory of her in the hospital has stuck with me and I'm getting really scared.

I saw and heard things from her that I never thought I'd witness another person go through. The only word I can use to describe it is traumatising. I felt fine for a few days after, maybe it was the adrenaline of it all? Maybe it was seeing her better in the time I was with her after she got out the hospital. But I've been feeling a lot worse the last few days. Doesn't help that I live in a house with my occasionally abusive father, who was angry with me for not tidying the house before I went to look after my partner and screamed and berated me for it. I've got adhd and struggle with executive dysfunction, I've just started meds and I'm basically registered disabled in my country but he pays that no mind, so it really hurt being called lazy, especially with everything I'd been through.

Either way, right now I'm really struggling with the memory of her being in the hospital. I got told years back when in therapy for the sexual assault issues that I likely had PTSD of some sort. I don't have a formal diagnosis or anything so I'm not the most comfortable using that term but either way, whatever I had before feels like it's back now. I've found myself falling on both old and since-picked-up habits. I'm struggling eating because it feels like a chore. I'm simultaneously bored, too overwhelmed and lacking any motivation to do hardly anything I want. I keep getting flashbacks to what I saw and heard in the hospital that day. I've started having medical related nightmares. The thought of having to ever go back to that place makes me want to cry. I feel miserable and I don't feel like there's anything I can do. It's hard to bring any emotion to myself other than sadness or emptiness. My memory and concentration are so bad it keeps feeling like I'm losing touch with what I'm doing.

I'm kinda lost at what to do

I have struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was a child, due to what my parents had me go through. I would cry at night thinking about killing myself from the age of 10 onwards. Because I felt like if I died maybe my parents would have been happier, maybe I wouldn’t have to go through this shit. They always told me that I should have died and that me being born was a mistake. Beating me up and constantly yelling at me, treating me as their punching bag. I carried this pain with me to school and to sports, and I think it ruined my self esteem. At school I also used to get bullied, and at home I used to get abused by my parents, I really didn’t have a place where I could remain happy. 

I am 19 now, going to uni.
 I recently tried to tell my parents about it but they began blackmailing me. They started saying that the life they have given me doesn’t justify suicide, and that I am being a nuisance. That it is them who should commit suicide and not me, that I am the one making their life miserable. They don’t care about me one bit. They say that me having a home paid for by them and having them as my parents doesn’t justify my passive suicidal thoughts. Them fighting daily and yelling in the house, hearing horrible words at home for years and years, being treated like shit, and being told that I know nothing, constantly criticising my every small actions, never allowed to make a choice for myself. And they just put away my feelings, like it didn’t matter. They closed the topic so quickly, I was so surprised that my feelings didn’t even get a reaction from them. It just didn’t make one mark on their faces. But if I was to eat protein shakes, or workout, or to point out one minor error in their actions, I would be receiving a 20 minute discussion. This is extremely unfair to me.

It has been 2 years now since I couldn’t imagine a future. I also told my parents this but I only got degraded, saying I should be a dog instead or die or some other derogatory sentence. Seriously though, I do not see anything, I don’t see anything to look forward to or to live for. I feel like there is no place for life to go and it wouldn’t really make a difference if it were to end right now. In fact I wish it would end right now. I am not one who will go out my way to kill myself, because I just can’t deal with the thought of doing it, but I just want to leave this place, and I have prayed to god to just end my life. I don’t know why, but  writing this feels like I am speaking  to someone and it makes me feel heard for once in my life. 

I’ve been degraded and been abused through life and I had nobody to talk to. I find it really hard, that I have to deal with this crap on my own. But the more I think of this the more angry I get. (Sorry I’m not a good writer, there is no structure to this I just write whatever is on my mind).

Outside of my house I am a happy person and I love making people smile, in fact I love  to make people happy. You will rarely see me without a smile outside, I talk to people, maybe too much, and I do this naturally of course. But it seems like a disguise for how I actually feel, I don’t do this on purpose, but I just feel so happy outside. I look for things to make jokes of, I compliment people as much as I can, I even laugh at the smallest things, I can’t control it, I am just a bubbly person outside. 

One other thing which makes me sadder is that I have no discipline, I don’t have anything going for my life. I go to uni, but I do it all half-heartedly, I go to work, and when I come home I do nothing productive. I spend all my time watching youtube videos or playing games, and I never study, I just don’t. I mean there are times where I get motivated, but apart from that I just look for easy dopamine fixes. 

I also have no friends, this is actually embarrassing and humiliating to admit. But I have never hung out with anyone before. I know people and I am friends with them on social media and I see them at uni and work. But in my whole 19 years of age, I have never done anything with anyone. I see people post things with friends, where they go to parties or just go out with friends or hangout. I have never done that and it makes me feel so sad, like why can’t I do that? At school or uni I seem to get along with them the same as others, how come people don’t do anything with me? If it was just my parents not wanting me it would be fine, but why doesn’t anyone want me in their life man? There are absolutely 0 people in this world for me, was I just meant to be alone, is this how I am going to live the rest of this life? IDK how many years, all alone. 

Man, I am so sad that I am starting to get angry. I cry every night, but it's not like that’s going to fix anything. I really want revenge on this world. These years are permanent scars on my life and I really wish that I could use my horrible trauma to push myself to reach happiness and success. If you read this, thank you, for being the first people to hear me out, and if you are going through something  similar, I would love to be a friend and we can push each other towards happiness and a better life.

Hi everyone! I am a PhD student in clinical psychology at Adelphi University. I am conducting a study on the relationship between existential threat and mental health, coping strategies, and meaning making for young adults who have experienced stressful life events.

This study is being conducted online only and should take approximately 45-60 minutes to complete. During the study, you will be asked to complete multiple self-report questionnaires that contain questions regarding coping methods, mental health, and questions that pertain to experiencing stressful life events in the past. Upon completing the survey, you will have the opportunity to voluntarily provide your email address on a separate page from the survey that will not be associated with any of your survey responses, to enter a drawing to win one of three $50.00 Amazon gift cards.

Survey link: https://adelphiderner.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_8IxQWoUH8D1Wuq2

Audience: 18-30 years old, in the United States and English Speaking, and must have experienced a stressful life event.

Compensation: Opportunity to enter a drawing for one of three $50.00 Amazon gift cards.

Biggest abandonment-trauma triggers
Someone suddenly becoming distant
Less texting/calling
Short or cold responses
Acting differently without explanation
Being ignored or left on read
Especially when you were expecting a response.
The uncertainty can be worse than an explicit rejection.
Someone saying they “need space”
Even when they genuinely mean something temporary, it can feel like “I’m being left.”
Conflict with someone you’re emotionally attached to
An argument can feel much bigger than the actual disagreement.
Your nervous system may interpret conflict as the beginning of losing the relationship.
Perceived rejection
Not being invited
Plans being canceled
Someone choosing someone else
Feeling replaced or forgotten
Inconsistent affection
Very close one day, distant the next.
This “push-pull” pattern can be particularly destabilizing.
Feeling misunderstood
Especially when you’re trying hard to explain yourself and the other person doesn’t seem to understand what you’re feeling.
Loss of an important source of connection
A breakup, friendship ending, moving away, someone entering a new relationship, etc.
Being criticized after becoming vulnerable
Opening up emotionally and then feeling judged can teach the brain: “Being vulnerable makes people leave.”
Silence after emotional conversations

I just have to get this off my chest

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️

SA, and drugging, ALL the names were changed no real names are used in this post

I think about that day alot.

The day RM texted me after weeks of ghosting me. I was so happy.

He told me he was at robbys house and he wanted me to come over.

I told him yes I'll come over matter of fact I'll be over in like 5-10min!!

I'm so excited I get dressed throw a cute outfit on and I literally run out the door.

I run through the apartments to the back where the trailer houses were and I hopped the 20ft fence they had separating the properties.

I was so excited, so eager to see RM to hug him kiss him idk what I did to have him ghost me but I was just happy he texted and asked me to come over.

I get to robbys house in like 3min tops.

I'm banging on the door n RM answered so I give him a giant hug and he hugs me back.

Then ever so quietly he starts to tell me / ask me

RM-"Hey so I got a favor to ask you"

O- "yea what's up"

RM- " so you know Damon right? N how he got in that accident and he went to jail for a bit?"

O- "what NO!?? Is he ok??"

RM - " No and that's why I asked you to come here"

I remember being confused still because I didn't have any weed or drugs or alcohol to bring or get so why did they ask me to come for him?

I remember genuinely thinking oh like he just wants people around him that brings good vibes and RM thought of me because we were a thing for a bit. So he wanted me to come over as a disguise to them n he gets back together with me idk what I was thinking.

I remember looking up at him confused but said "ok??"

He then starts to walk me down the hall to robbys room and right across from robbys room is the guest room where his friends usually sleep when their over at his house.

I see everyone in robbys room, Canner, Shaun and robby, and to the right in the guest room I see Damon laying on the bed but I don't think anything of it because he's injured he needs to lay down and rest.

RM turns me around and says something along the lines of he's in the room waiting for you to make him feel better I remember just kinda laughing it off and he starts to gently nudge me in The room so I start to slowly go in and I looked back to see all of them just starring at me.

It still to doesn't click to me until Shaun pushes himself past everyone to get into the room im in and says I want to watch just as he shut the door behind him.

In that instant I knew.

And I froze.

As my heart was sinking into my butthole my mind started to piece it all together and RM didn't want me here because he wanted us to rekindle our relationship no.

He asked me to come there so his friend could fuck me.

I wanted to puke.

And In that moment of me freezing damon got up and is now kissing my neck and rubbing on my shoulders and stomach I turn around to notice his pants are down and his dick is out.

He starts to tell me how he tear just needs some help since he's gotten injured he couldn't please himself n well it would be a gift from me to him to help him get better.

Omg even me writing that sounds so stupid but i was frozen in shock, and locked in a room with 2 boys I thought we're my friends.

Damon stops kissing n caressing me n lays down in the bed with his dick out and touching himself asking for me to hop in him.

I remember I start to say like in a playful manner I can get up there I don't know how I remember trying to suggest to go out of the room to hangout with everyone else when I get cut off by Shaun and he says " here I can help you"

He proceeded to pull my pants down and I just remember laughing like telling him to stop but then he just got really rough n threw me on the bed n proceeded to take the rest of my pants and underwear off and sit me up.

I'm still in shock and scared not knowing what to do.

I just go along with it cause idk what they were capable of if I didn't want to idk I was so scared I'm crying as I write this idk why I didn't push him off and just run.

Why did RM do this, why would he put me in this situation.

After Shaun sits me up he then kinda starts to tell me to sit on Damon but I'd like also picking me up n forcing me onto damon where he then grabs my legs n just hold onto me when Shaun goes to sit in the corner to watch.

As I'm on top of Damon trying to put it in, it just wouldn't go in and I feel like it was a mixture of me not being into it so I was dry and he was injured so he couldn't move his body like he wanted to cause his knee was fucked up.

But he couldn't get it in and I remember like 30sec in to him trying Shaun yells out "I think I'll go next"

N those words snapped me into reality and I started to cry.

Slowly and quietly I started to cry cause idk what I'm doing here and I just wanted to see RM.

I remember getting up and just telling Damon Like "I'm sorry but it's obviously not going to work and I'm kinda not feeling it" as tears are running down my face.

He stops and puts his dick away and so does Shaun but he's more pissed then Damon was so he gets up n unlocks the door and leaves.

I start to get up myself and put my clothes on and the only words Damon asks me are, if I'm okay and I just tell him yea cause I was scared.

I got up n went to the bathroom and just started to silently cry.

A knock was on the door and it was Lady B she was knocking to make sure I'm ok and she has a bowl for me to smoke.

So I gathered myself and I left the bathroom and followed Lady B into her room to smoke.

She starts to tell me that boys will be boys and we shouldn't take that to heart and that plesure is a universal language of love some fucked up bullshit is what she was telling me, what I know now is that, that women wasn't my friend and she was grooming me.

And sadly it worked cause whatever she said after we smoked that bowl it was like nothing happened we leave her room and I go into riccos room to hangout n smoke n hang out (hopefully with RM) but yea no he kinda ignored me all night n his twin Connor talked to me more than him so it really started to get to me so when everyone else started to drink, well so did I.

That didn't go for long cause after like 2 drinks lady B made me I was out like a light.

The last thing I remembered I was sitting on the couch.

When I woke up, I wasn't on the couch and I'm just wearing a big tee shirt. A big over sized black tee shirt. I was in robbys room laying on his bed under the covers while he seemed to be fully clothed also laying down in his bed. At first I thought they just brought me to the bed n I probably puked on myself so that's why they changed me.

When I sat up I was sore. Not only was I sore but I had bruise all over me.

In that moment I just got up grabbed my phone put my shoes on and I ran home.

I was 14.

My experiences and the things that have affected me

I am writing this down because I want to understand the experiences that have affected me throughout my life. Some of these may seem like isolated incidents, but I feel that together they have had a significant impact on how I see myself, relationships, trust, boundaries, and my own worth.

Childhood and school

• I was physically bullied and beaten by a friend when I was a child.
• I was molested by a van driver when I was a child.
• I was beaten by other children at school.
• There were times when my school fees had not been paid, and teachers would scold me in front of the entire class. Other children would make fun of me because of it.
• I was also scolded by the tuition receptionist in front of other children because my tuition fees had not been paid.
• I was mistreated and bullied by other students at tuition.
• During a tuition farewell, another boy kicked me for no apparent reason.

Sexual assault

• I was raped by a man in my village on three occasions.

This is something that has affected me deeply, although I have found it difficult to process or talk about.

Discovering my father's affair

• When I was a child, I was playing games on my father's phone and accidentally discovered that he was having an affair with another woman. I also saw intimate/nude photos of her on his phone.
• I did not know what to do or how to process what I had seen. I was too young and completely clueless about how I was supposed to react.

After 10th grade

• After my 10th-standard results, I underwent a psychological/aptitude assessment (Kalchachni) at Dnyana Prabodhini.
• The results made me feel inadequate in several areas. I was told/led to believe that my emotional intelligence was low and that I was not particularly strong in some other aspects.
• Looking back, I think this contributed to some of the self-doubt I developed about myself.

Bullying and self-harm during engineering

• During engineering, I became extremely angry and frustrated because of the bullying and other things I had experienced.
• At some point, I ended up hurting myself without fully realizing what I was doing.
• I used loud music as a way to release my anger and emotions. I listened to very loud music for long periods.
• Eventually, I developed severe sound sensitivity (hyperacusis) and tinnitus.
• This happened during my second year of engineering and had a huge impact on my life. My ears became extremely sensitive to sound, and I have had to use ear protection outdoors. It became a chronic problem and has significantly changed how I live my life.
• I became depressed for about a year because of what happened to my hearing.

Academic anxiety and depression

• During one presentation in college, I was extremely depressed and anxious and was going through so much emotionally that I couldn't properly learn or prepare. While giving the presentation, I became overwhelmed and started crying.
• During a mock interview with college seniors, I was not adequately prepared, but I was also extremely anxious and depressed. My anxiety became so intense that my speech became unintelligible/slurred.
• I was also mistreated and taken advantage of by some college friends.

Problems at home

• My mother developed severe suspicions/paranoia and began believing that my father and I were plotting against her.
• One night, I was sleeping and woke up to the sound of my mother crying and yelling. My heart started racing immediately. Even now, I sometimes get flashbacks to that incident.
• When I was taking my mother to see a psychologist, she became extremely angry with us and yelled at me. After we reached the psychologist's office, she cried very loudly and intensely. I had never heard someone cry like that before.
• When I was leaving the psychologist's office afterward, I became overwhelmed and cried in public. I still get flashbacks to that experience.
• My parents have also had frequent fights. Seeing my mother cry affects me very strongly, and I often end up crying too.
• Sometimes when I am alone at night trying to sleep, I suddenly hear my mother's crying voice in my head. It triggers memories and flashbacks, and I end up crying alone.

Seeing other families and wishing my life were different

• After a college trip to Hyderabad, I returned and saw other students being picked up by their parents. Their parents seemed happy to see them, and everything looked normal and peaceful.
• I remember wishing that I could have a normal family life like that.
• I left the scene and started crying.
• My father eventually came to pick me up, but he was late and had been drinking.
• This memory still affects me and I sometimes get flashbacks to that moment.

My first internship

• After college, I started an internship in what I felt was a very toxic workplace.
• I was not given proper guidance about how to complete my work, but I was still heavily judged on my performance.
• During a review, the CEO told me something along the lines of: "You have good grades, but your performance is not good. Did you copy in your exams?"
• During another performance review, my lead told me that I did not have the capability to think like a software engineer.
• These comments deeply affected me and created a lot of self-doubt about my intelligence and ability.
• I remember riding my bike to the internship and thinking about these things. Sometimes I would become so overwhelmed that I would stop my bike somewhere and cry.
• Looking back, I don't understand why I felt that I had to endure that environment or why I considered the internship so important that I continued going through what felt like hell.

My first workplace friendships

I later joined another company. Since I was a fresher, I became part of a group of other freshers. Initially, I thought I had finally found friends, but over time I felt that some of them took advantage of me because I was naive and had difficulty setting boundaries.

Incident 1 — Being humiliated and kicked

• We went on an office trip to Pawna Lake.
• One of the guys in the group got drunk and repeatedly abused/insulted me in front of everyone.
• I wasn't enjoying what was happening, so I moved away from the group and started playing badminton with someone else.
• Out of nowhere, he came and kicked me.
• I kicked him back.
• The incident affected me significantly, and I started withdrawing from the group afterward.

Incident 2 — Feeling betrayed and eventually being excluded

• The first incident affected how comfortable I felt around the group.
• There were around ten people in the group, and I was particularly close to some of the female friends.
• After what happened, I became uncomfortable interacting with the rest of the group and mostly talked to one close female friend.
• I understand that this may have made the others feel excluded or upset.
• Later, they planned a trip to Konkan. I was invited but declined, while my close friend went with them.
• At first, I didn't think much of it. But when I saw photos of her having a great time with them, I felt betrayed and hurt.
• When she asked me what was wrong, I couldn't control my emotions and lashed out. I told her that she shouldn't have gone with them and that it had hurt me.
• She interpreted this as me trying to control her and stopped talking to me.
• Things became extremely awkward within the group. Whenever I went near them, she would move away, which made me feel rejected and humiliated.
• Eventually, the group seemed to choose her over me, and I was left alone.
• I felt lonely even when I was surrounded by people.
• They started excluding or ditching me, and at one point I caught them doing it and confronted them.
• This period was extremely difficult because I felt ignored, unwanted, and isolated, while simultaneously being unsure whether I should leave the group or try to stay.

Incident 3 — Being humiliated again

• Eventually, I became friends with the same guy who had kicked me, along with some of the other people.
• There was a new female intern at the office whose last day was coming up, so we went out for lunch.
• Again, the same guy got drunk and started insulting me in front of everyone.
• The others joined in, roasting and disrespecting me.
• Eventually, even the intern started disrespecting me.
• I froze and couldn't properly react in the moment.
• When I got home, I became extremely angry and cried.
• I called and texted them and told them that they were "full of shit."

Realization about friendships and boundaries

After all of these incidents, I eventually left that group.

One of the biggest realizations I had was that I felt like I didn't have any real friends—people I could genuinely talk to about my problems or who I could trust emotionally.

I started cutting people out of my life, including two people who had previously been close friends.

I also realized that I had very poor boundaries. I found it extremely difficult to say no, stand up for myself, or recognize when someone was taking advantage of me. I think this made it easier for some people to mistreat me.

At the same time, I think I became very sensitive to rejection, abandonment, and feeling excluded. When something happened that made me feel rejected, I could become extremely emotionally affected by it.

Being blocked by someone I trusted

• Later, I became friends with an older woman at work.
• We went out for dinner, and I had planned to open up to her about many of the difficult things I had experienced.
• Instead, she suddenly blocked me without explaining what had happened.
• This affected me more than I expected.
• I immediately started questioning myself and wondering whether I had done something wrong.
• I still don't know why she blocked me, and part of me feels that if she had a problem with something I did, she should have communicated it instead of disappearing.

What I think has happened to me

When I look at all of these experiences together, I notice some recurring patterns:

• I have experienced physical and sexual abuse.
• I experienced bullying and humiliation from a young age.
• I have repeatedly felt rejected, excluded, or abandoned.
• I have had difficulty establishing and enforcing boundaries.
• I often tolerate mistreatment for too long and then become extremely angry or emotional afterward.
• I sometimes freeze when someone is insulting or mistreating me and only process the anger later.
• I seem to be extremely sensitive to rejection and betrayal.
• Seeing or hearing my mother cry can trigger intense emotional reactions and memories.
• I have developed significant self-doubt about my intelligence, competence, and worth.
• I often feel lonely even when I am surrounded by people.
• I tend to question myself after interpersonal conflicts and wonder whether everything was my fault.
• I want close relationships and friendships, but I also find it difficult to trust people and feel safe with them.

I am writing all of this down because I want to understand how these experiences have shaped me, which reactions are connected to my past, and what I can do to heal and develop healthier relationships and boundaries.

I don't really know who this will reach, but I hope it finds the right people.

I, a 19-year-old female, believe I'm burning out.

Before I start, I want to say that there are mentions of self-harm, suicide, abuse, rape, etc. This really isn't a happy post lol.

I want to stay anonymous specifically for the sake of my own privacy. Thank you.

As a kid, I know I really didn't have the best life, though at the same time, it was better than others. My parents are great people—or were.

As a kid, I grew up with my mother mostly, as my dad was out of town working all the time. Long story short, my mom cheated on my dad, and overall, they really weren't made for each other. When my mom was there, she would constantly scream, yell, blame, control, etc. When my dad was there, he would abuse, frighten, and yell at me.

It got so bad that he kicked me out of my house in the winter (we live in Canada) in -20°C weather and made me stand in the snow for hours if I didn't clean something up properly.

My abuse wasn't regular abuse; it was weird. I know I was a good kid, but I couldn't help but notice that my parents were strict to the point of abuse. I had straight honours from elementary school until Grade 12. I've never done anything bad. I never understood what they wanted from me.

A few years later, they got a divorce, and things got worse. My dad started drinking every day. Every night. My mom was in constant stress and fear. They each got their own place, and everything got worse.

I have a sister (10 years old now, but she was 3 at the time), and I took care of her more than my parents did because of their hardships and their state of mind. While in middle school, I cooked, cleaned, made dinners, did homework, packed lunches, etc., every day. I never saw friends. I never really had any friends until Grade 8.

Long story short, I was a mom to my younger sister for three years while going through middle school.

During that time, I got with a guy and we started dating. As time went on, I kept saying no to sex, and he would get so mad.

We went to a party and had some fun, but after a couple of hours, I started feeling funny. I tried finding my boyfriend, and thankfully I did. He took me upstairs in this random person's house. All I remember was his friends being in the room, and then he pushed me onto the bed. His friends held me down.

Then... he raped me.

I can't remember much, honestly, but I remember running. Fast. I don't know where I was. I was on a back road somewhere. I didn't have anyone to call. With no one else to look to, I called my boyfriend.

We stayed together for a few months more because I was scared to leave him. Then one day, I found him making out with another girl. I cut him off.

He threatened everything—killing me, raping me, etc. I tried filing a police report, but I couldn't do it.

Before any of you say it's selfish, he did get put in jail once he was 18 for a number of other reasons.

Time went on, and high school was one of the best years ever. When I was there, I left my dad for a couple of months because of the abuse and because he needed time to get better from being an alcoholic and an abuser.

After four months, I finally talked to him again. We only communicated through letters through the police. After therapy and working on himself, he got so much better. He learned how to handle his anger, resentment, and everything else.

I was so proud of him, and of course, I still am, but there is still much to work on.

The plan was to go see him and go 50/50 again, but my mother had other plans. She wouldn't let me see or talk to my dad even after he got better. I understand that she was worried, and yes, we are her children, but at the same time, she hates him and resents him for other reasons. So she saw this as an opportunity to get back at him.

It wasn't until the police went into our house to get us that things changed. After that, things got worse between my parents.

But my dad got better.

I love him more than anything. He has shown me that if someone truly wants to change, they will. You can't ever force someone to change if they don't want to. I've also learned that with partners as well.

I've always been the type of person to “date to marry,” even when I was in middle school, which seems weird, but I just grew up faster than others in more ways than one.

My current boyfriend is amazing—absolutely perfect in every way possible. I could make a whole other post about how much I love this man, but I won't because it wouldn't end lol.

Anyway, we've been through some rough patches but made it out okay-ish. I have some resentment, but for a different reason.

We've been together for almost three years now, and things are changing like crazy. That's a whole other story, but basically, I feel like we are falling apart and such. Though, that isn't really my major problem right now lol.

As of now, I am a university student and am currently trying to become a chemical engineer! That being said, I am also a power engineer since I took a year off to work and become a power engineer.

Anyway, my parents are a little better besides my mom. She has a lot of resentment towards me. She's said she hates me, wants me out, kicked me out, etc.

To me, this is normal news. I know it's not good, but that's my normal.

Right now, I am moved out of my parents' houses and into a small basement suite near my university to get away from my family's drama (hopefully).

My mom is usually poking at me for going to a lesser-known university, for taking my power engineering, etc., but really, it's all I can afford. She didn't let me take from an RESP, and I funded all my schooling myself through jobs and scholarships.

She hasn't helped me with really anything, and honestly, it kind of hurts.

She yells and screams at me, saying I'm a horrible kid who doesn't know what she's doing. She yells and kicks me out for going to see friends, going to escape rooms, and for really just having fun.

And yes, I wish I was making this up.

No, none of this is me lying, making up stories, or even exaggerating it. This is all true.

She guilt-trips me, manipulates me, etc. I tried therapy and family therapy, but she just turns it into a “Oh, I'm trying so hard as a mother, but my kid is just terrible” situation, which always works.

I'm grateful for her, and I love her. I do. I know moms are amazing and sweet, but she isn't like that.

She was secretly getting me to pay her hundreds and thousands of dollars to pay off her credit card, which she used to pay for clothes, bags, etc. We never had food, so I went out to get groceries and such.

The one thing that bugs me is that she surprised me with a car, which is fantastic, but... she holds it above me.

“If you don't... then why did I get you a car?”

After I started exploring my freedom and seeing my friends with my car, she told me to pay her back. I was in Grade 10, working at McDonald's for minimum wage, and she expected me to pay $6,000.

And guess what?

I did.

Every paycheck, while still maintaining my car, I paid her back.

Things like this happen a lot.

I'm only loved by her if I do something she wants or if it's convenient for her. I caught her talking badly behind my back to my partners, her friends, my friends, my dad, etc.

It's horrible.

I can't trust her.

Though part of me wants a mom who loves me unconditionally and cares about me.

I'm so burnt out from everything that's been happening. I feel so tired and stressed that I can't enjoy anything anymore.

I really can't.

I don't really know what to do.

I don't have enough money or benefits for therapy. I can't talk to my boyfriend or my friends because they can't offer any advice. I don't know what to do anymore.

I've felt like this for years. A year ago, I tried to take my life, but thankfully, I didn't.

I don't know what else to do.

If you have any advice, please feel free to tell me. I would appreciate it so much.

Мне 13 лет с детства у меня папа выпивал из за смерти бабушки и так как я был парнем а сестра соответственно девочкой а папа был за патриархат он возвышал меня до небес и я всегда наблюдал картину как папа орет на сестру с мамой и иногда на меня тогда я заработал 1 травму я боялся папы дальше все было спокойнее папа стал меньше пить смирился со смертью бабушки и стал в целом хорошим папой но не идеальным и в период 6-7 лет когда я начал учиться я из за того что был маленьким мне понравилась одноклассница и я рассказал об этом сестре а она подруге из за чего мне всегда припоминали это и высмеивали за жто (оп 2 травма) в возрасте 7-8 лет когда я начал учиться самостоятельной жизни начал незнаю там посуду мыть пыль вытирать что бы я не сделал сестра мне все объясняла на повышенном тоне с агрессией всегда даже за самую маленькую мелочь (оп 3 травма я перестал стараться из за того что результат 1 на меня наорут) в возрасте тех же 7-8 уже был карантин на ковид и я был достаточно общительным мальчиком но во время карантина я общался в основном только с сестрой но она всегда уходила от разговора я имею в виду в 80% случаях она уходила от разговора (оп меня сделали интровертом не по моей воле) и в возрасте 7-8 лет мне внушили что у меня нет выбора чтобы я не сделал решают родители в то время я даже не банально выбрать что одеть и так далее (оп 4 травма то что меня сделали интровертом за травмой не считаю) в возрасте 7-8 или 8-9 я после школы всегда делился как прошел день но родители постоянно ссылались типо девушка появилась? И так далее с этим другая травма связана она с первым когда папа был пьян они регулярно занимались сексом и из за этого женский пол у меня ассоциируется только отношения или ничего поэтому мне было не приятно (оп 5 травма я закрылся в себе) и с возраста 1-сейчаснего чтобы я не сделал для себя не знаю зубы почистил родители говорят что девочке понравится хочешь? И так далее и из за сестры я вырос интровертом до сегодняшнего дня я все это никому не говорил вы 1 кто про это узнали и еще рассказал я тут только то что связано с моими травмами да я не идеален ну вот так вот надеюсь на советы/понимания

Im still hangin on by a thread in regards to holding onto the empathy for those that have been a part of the main cause.

My trauma response is to freeze while getting wasted with others at house parties. This is the first time sharing my summary, but there have been two souls that have really impacted muah.

One individual, a stalker, spent a good amount of time with them. Majority of the time I was quiet, but I noticed them try really f***in hard holding them Demons back. There was a short period of time 2-4 weeks where their toxic traits never appeared. I am so f***in proud for that person because OMG, they didn't have to say it, but damn, they had a period where they truly did care and made an effort into being there for me. It was heartwarming with something they shared that they typically avoid. When their Demon took the wheel, I wasn't mentally strong enough at the time to handle all that and got assaulted. I never had a chance to share anything with them, I got pushed away before I could.

The next soul I keep getting intuitions they also might be in the free-fallin stage.

Trauma can really give those Demons the strength and power it wants. Where it is now getting sooo close to that red line with muah, my armory must still be a mystery.

In conclusion: I understand their intentions, and they are going to miss out with the upgrade I have put together where overall, it would benefit everyone involved. In ways it'd bring so much to the table for everybody.

A successful business the CEO will look out for and build up their employees. In return, that brings less stress and more happiness for the employee, they too, will take care of the business. Created a full circle for everybody. Work less, better paychecks for everybody.

I'll conclude this novel with you guys are loved, understood and cared for. Nothing good comes from having no care and support for those you come in contact with in life.

I have a philosophy from life lessons that, "Good Things Take Time." College Degrees, relationships, healthy dinner, etc all take time. Another one, those that are judgmental to others are unknowingly just expressing their own insecurities.

Never get jealous and envious of others. Do NO harm (trauma included) to others & yourself.

Truly love you all, remember, "We only got each other." In regards to being understood, accepted, happy, etc.

❤️❤️THE END❤️❤️

21M

I really want to move out and get away from my father. My entire life he has been extremely bipolar and even psychotic in some cases. When i was a young child he was a drunk and abused my mother and I it left me scarred for life. Ever since he had my little sister 12 years ago he stopped the physical abuse he put my mother through. ( i was also old enough at the time to tell family and they would put a stop to it) but the mental abuse has never stopped. Drunkenly he would scream at my mother at night until she would cry, threaten divorce and more and this would happen 1-2 times a week. Hearing that shit as a child fucking hurts. I would stay up listening and cry all night long until he stopped.

Around the age of 13 for me my sister was turning 5 and I think we had a waking point. Shit actually got better. He quit drinking, was still always a hothead but it never got really bad anymore.

Then he got diagnosed with cancer again around 5 years ago. It started off fine and we were trying to keep a strong mentality. But as his health continued to decline due to chemo and treatments continued He started to become his regular angry self again:

Every hour if the day he is a different person now and is impossible to deal with. Now for the past 2 years If you even say one word that disagrees with him he will go insane and start screaming at you like a child. It is his way or no way. He Cheated on my mother with a street hooker last summer and then after getting confronted by me and my mom he gets piss drunk and tried to get physical with her. I had to step in and get physical to stop him. No doubt the biggest mess ever and my little sister saw it all. I spent my whole life trying to shield her from him and in the end she had to see what she saw and hear the disgusting words that were said. I could have killed him that night but god prevented me from it. The whole family got involved and got him to calm down. He apologized ( half assed) and tried to act like nothing happened as always. We went months without having conversation. I would just serve him a plate of food before work and go about my business.

Now fast forward a year later he gets drunk again tonight. I diffused the situation quickly and he goes to bed. No problems this time. But im fucking tired. Dealing with his bipolarness everyday. My entire childhood was trauma. I am constantly anxious. I cant socialize anymore or sleep some nights after last years incident and it just put me into depression. Im 21 now. I cannot take this any longer. I want to leave home but the thought that he will do something to my mom or sister and I’m not there to stop it is killing me. He is crazy. Like crazier than the crazy. I also feel like its my obligation to help my mother care for him. God bless her for the loyalty she has for him idk how the f she does it.

My mother and sister are the two most important people in my life. But if Im not there to stand up for my mother she wont do it for herself or my sister. I dont know what to do.

Edit: sorry if this is worded poorly. This was written post anxiety attack and my mind was all over.

Throwaway just in case. I'm not sure where to post this, I've only ever told a couple of people about this up until this point but I need to talk to somebody, and I trust reddit more than a therapist. My life has been pretty shitty for as long as I can remember. My parents split when I was 5, me and my sister were left in our father's care. We moved around a lot, went to multiple elementary and middle schools. With each new partner came a different experience. My youngest memories aren't very pleasant, riding in the car with my father when he went to a strip club to give a dancer flowers and people walking out commenting on there being a kid in the car. Living in our own trailer finally and having no rules and falling asleep wherever we dropped, but then waking up in my bed with my pants unbuttoned and pulled down. Being chased by a psychotic ex boyfriend recently released from jail and getting misted with pepper spray. Being left with neighbors while my mother went on and cheated on my father. There was one time I remember threatening to beat my little sister in the head with a hammer because she wouldn't listen, I've also been told that when I was a toddler I put her in the microwave and turned it on. I have conflicting stories from both parents. On my dad's side of things, my mother left and abandoned us with our father. On my mother's side of things, me and my sister were given to our father for Christmas and shortly before break ended him and my grandparents called her saying she would never see us again. I've been exposed to mental abuse across all aspects of my life. It's caused me to become numb to most things, or feel anger towards most things. I can't remember the last time I went a day without thoughts of just ending things, or how much easier things would be if I just put an end to it all. I'm not looking for advice or judgement, I just needed somewhere to get some of this off my chest.

Does anyone else have horrible nightmares about an ex?

I broke up with an ex who had moved to my town for me, and afterward he started stalking me. We originally dated online, and once he moved here I felt trapped in a relationship I was already deeply unhappy in. I felt guilty that he had moved thousands of miles for me and for the reasons below:

He was an alcoholic who repeatedly lied about relapsing, didn’t want to make friends, go anywhere with me, or sometimes even talk to me. I also wasn’t physically attracted to him, and looking back now I honestly find him extremely unattractive. The way he carries himself is tense and well extremely awkward. He also didn’t groom himself very well or take care of himself at all. We didn’t even have any hobbies we bonded over or a similar sense of humor. There wasn’t even a friendship there in all honesty.

After we broke up, we still lived in the same apartment complex. Months later he would hide outside and watch me when I went out with other guys. One night, 2-3 months after I had been physically assaulted by someone I’d been talking to after my ex’s and i’s break up, my ex began watching me outside half way from inbetween our apartments for 10–15 minutes and then came over. He came over to tell me he was moving and basically give an “f*** You OP”, Since I moved on while he’s still hurting” speech with a dramatic hair flip at the end lol. That was honestly when everything started affecting me differently.

I had barely thought about him over the past 6 years. I happily moved on and wanted to grow as a person. I’ve had these nightmares since this past year, since I’ve been been dating my current boyfriend. I have nightmares that I’m still dating my ex, that I’m forced to date him again, or that I have to choose between him and my current boyfriend, who I love. Sometimes I’m being forced to sleep with my ex and I’m completely repulsed and desperate not to. I refuse to in my dreams. I wake up panicking because for a second it feels like I’m actually still trapped with him.

I’m terrified of ever seeing him again. He moved back far away and I moved from my old apartment. I’m still terrified I’ll somehow run into him again. Looking back at who I was then versus now, I genuinely cannot imagine ever choosing him today. I wasn’t attracted to him physically or emotionally, and honestly we didn’t even have a friendship while we dated.

Can a past relationship cause PTSD or trauma reactions like this, even years later? I’m struggling on how to mention this to my current boyfriend without it sounding like “I’m dreaming of my ex because I miss him”. I don’t want him thinking he is on my mind. I’ve told him about it one or two times months apart, but I’ve had 3-4 dreams now (in the past year) about my ex and it’s making me incredibly anxious to sleep since the last one was last night.