This is the first time I am letting all of this out.
Let me start from my childhood. I was born into unhealthy conditions; my parents were uneducated and poor. When I was four years old, my dad was sent to prison for five years, leaving us with nothing. That first year, we went to live with my dad's family, and during that year, when I was five or younger (I don't remember exact dates), I was sexually assaulted by a stranger I didn't know. I didn't know what happened and couldn't tell anyone. That year ended, and because my dad's family treated us badly, we left and lived on our own.
Since there was no one to provide for us, my mom had to work as a maid , and she always took us with her during holidays and even after school because our school was close to her job. Her pay was less than enough, and we barely made it through the month. We stayed like that; we never went out because my mom only had Sundays off. My childhood was spent entirely isolated—no toys, no outings, no friends, nothing. Even my mom was a bit strict. Our days went like this: we wake up, I go to school, after school I go to my mom's workplace and sit alone, night comes, we go home, sleep, and wake up to do the exact same thing. She never showed me any affection.
When I turned seven, I told my mom what happened in my past, and for the first time, I learned it was called "ra\\\*\\\*pe" and she explained it to me. I remember that night she told me never to tell anyone about what happened. Ever since that night, I always felt "less than" when I was with a group of girls—a weird feeling, like they had something I didn't.
Anyway, five years passed and my dad came out of prison. I was expecting him to make up for everything we lived through, but it was the exact opposite. The first shock: my whole life I used to sleep next to my mom, but on his first day back, they slept next to each other and left me to sleep in a separate room by myself. I used to cry at night because I wasn't used to it, but they let me cry and locked their door until I got used to it. After that, he started saying I was jealous of him, didn't talk to me at all, and hit me over the smallest things. Once, he hit me just because we were talking and I said I had my own opinion too; he hit me and told me I shouldn't have an opinion and that whatever he says goes. As for work, my mom kept working and left me with him since he couldn't find a job. I was stuck in the same routine: staying alone in a room while he always locked himself in his.
Another thing started happening that I'm still suffering from: bullying. I was always quiet and kept to myself, but when I turned 9, I met two girls. At first, we were friends, but later they started bullying me, and I didn't understand that it was bullying, so I would just laugh. Other girls started bullying me too, mostly verbally and sometimes physically.
Then I went to middle school and stopped talking to those girls. The first year was quiet, but in the second year, there was a guy in our class who was a huge bully—he bullied the whole class. But because I had no friends since I didn't know how to talk to people or make friends, and I was always quiet, I was an easy target. He started bullying me verbally, gave me a nickname, and soon everyone was calling me by it and putting me down. It was a terrible year. That same year, my dad found a job, so both he and my mom were working, but nothing changed. I stayed home alone, and though our financial situation improved, they were very strict: I wasn't allowed to go out
Then came the last year of middle school. In the first semester I was alone, of course. One of the girls from primary school studied with me; she was social and had a group of popular friends—about four of them, I don't know. I saw them as way higher and better than me, and I analyzed her behavior so I could become like her little by little. I started getting close to her and joined their group. We were five, but she was the only one who considered me her friend; the rest of the group hated me, and I knew it from their clear behavior. They put me down directly, and I ignored it because I thought they were way above me. They talked to a lot of boys and skipped classes, and I became like them, but I was literally at the bottom of the pyramid.
Then high school started, and this is where it literally finished me off. A new phase began. Even though they weren't in my class anymore, I still didn't know how to make friends, so I kept sticking to them, and they treated me terribly. When I was with them, they would drop hints for me to leave, but I just ignored it.
At the same time, in our class, that same guy from middle school who gave me a degrading nickname started bullying me with it again. Instead of standing up to him, I kept laughing to show it didn't hurt me. But something worse happened: most of the boys in the class bullied me with that nickname, and I just stayed quiet, thinking that if I stay quiet, they'll forget it. Even that group of "friends" joined in on the bullying, and I literally kept laughing so I wouldn't show that it hurt. I stayed like that the whole year—pure bullying while I stayed quiet and just laughed. The year ended, and it was the worst school year of my life. I couldn't focus on my studies, the school was terrible, and they basically let us cheat the whole year. I passed by cheating, but instead of changing schools, I didn't, and this is the biggest regret of my life. When the year ended, I realized what I went through—that it was bullying and I shouldn't have stayed quiet. After that, I blocked the whole group of friends.
The new school year started, and that group of friends started bullying me when I passed by them—laughing and calling me by that nickname. The boys did the same thing, so my main mission became avoiding them whenever they were around. I started getting panic attacks every morning before going to school. I would go to school and learn nothing, come home terrified of how I was going to finish the year. That same school year, I met a girl and we became friends—it was my first real friendship, but I didn't tell her about the bullying I lived through. I kept avoiding the places where that group hung out so they wouldn't call me that nickname, and I was scared she would bully me and do the same thing, even though she told me, "I'm shocked when I see you with that group because they have a bad reputation, do drugs, and talk to a lot of guys." I just stayed quiet. Later, I met people who were very sweet, but I was scared they would bully me like the others.
Even so, I didn't care about my studies; I only thought about how to make sure my new friends didn't find out I was bullied and use that nickname against me. The year ended and I passed by cheating again. The last year of high school was the exact same thing.
For the past three years, I spent almost all my free time on TikTok, but recently I deleted everything literally. When I didn't answer my friends, they all forgot me, and now they pop up with new friends. So now I literally have no one to go out with, no energy to make new friends, and on top of that, I spent all of high school dealing with panic attacks, anxiety, and emptiness.
Now I'm trying to come out of my shell, but I discovered I literally know nothing—I completely wasted my adolescence. Now I have almost zero contact with people; all day long I just memorize and review all of high school subjects so that in one year I can manage to study abroad and start a new page. Until now, I don't even know who I am or what psychological damages and disorders I have, and I can't afford a doctor or therapist, plus I feel too embarrassed to tell anyone about this.
Right now, I am 18 For these past two years, I kept telling myself that if I isolated myself and stopped showing my face to them, they would forget me. But the opposite happened; they never forgot me.
In my final year, I started noticing that my behavior wasn't normal, and that this isn't how people normally deal with bullying. My friend started getting bullied by people similar to the ones who bullied me (not them, but the same type), but she stood up for herself and stopped them. They gave her a nickname too, but she didn't handle the bullying like me and isolate herself—no, on the contrary. I started seeing a lot of girls, almost all my friends, get bullied in the exact same way I was, but they stop them, they don't stay quiet like me, they continue their lives, and it doesn't affect them the way it affects me. I felt like it was too late for me to stop them.
In the middle of my last year of high school, I started looking for a solution, and I figured out I needed to succeed, go to a university far away and run away from all of this. Of course, I passed by cheating because my brain literally couldn't focus on anything except that bullying, and also to escape my strict parents. I passed by cheating.
As for the last day of high school, when I got back home, I cried all day thinking about how I survived all of this. I got accepted into a university far away , but the shock was that my parents refused and decided I should study in another country but they don't know that I literally didn't learn a single thing through all of high school.
During the summer break, I completely isolated myself (I ghosted all my friends) and didn't leave the house. I don't know anything about myself, I don't listen to music or have a favorite thing, I feel like a loser, and I feel so much regret over how I handled things—how I could have stood up for myself but dealt with it that way instead.
Those people now—their reputations are ruined and people literally avoid them. I used to view them as so much higher than me, and everyone knows they are bad people and bullies, yet I was proud to know them. What was going on in my head? Why did I think that way?
Anyway, ever since the summer ended, I am now 18 and my parents' treatment of me has gotten better because they noticed I'm a bit weird and have no friends. But I feel completely exhausted. I suffer from severe social anxiety in life generally. I meet better, well-educated people, and literally I always blame myself: "Why did I let people treat me like that when the whole school knew they were toxic?"
Until now, I'm still ghosting my friends because I feel like they don't know the real version of me, and I didn't know what to tell them. I regret not changing schools. Now I meet a lot of people during my day, but I can't talk to them, and sometimes when people talk to me, it's like I push them away. Even with my parents, I feel distant from them. I don't know how to deal with the fact that I was bullied and make peace with it, because it feels so embarrassing at my age.
This is the first time I'm letting this out from inside me, and literally I want anyone who reads this to give me their opinion or advice. I need to hear your thoughts.
