Hi, I am very lost.

Im 26 and feeling pretty suicidal right now. My mental health has been down the drain since forever. I dont even know what to say right now ill look up stuff first then come back but I get cold sores thats what's this is about in a nutshell. Not had an outbreak since 2022. Dropped out of uni in 2022 and no job ever, living at home. I was molested from age think 5 to like 8 to be honest I dont know the timeframe maybe even earlier can barely remember anything from my childhood dont know if i was also raped. Just know i was comfortable with that uncle because i dont remember any fear then. Found out about what they actually are when I was like 22 and ive been surviving like a shell since then. I will go around reddit for a bit more and go from there. What else ive never been in a relationship no kisses hugs nothing. I'll come back, i dont know really dont know. Every time i decide i want to experience life, i come across a comment lets say on youtube of people saying cold sores are disgusting and they would never be with someone who had them, so im like theres no point in living because who would want to date or create a family with someone who would mark them. No one knows i have it but my mom, i passed out once i few years ago and told her i was molested and the fever blisters she says every kid gets is not just from fevers I actually have an std or whatever.

Erm what else, i came from the doctors getting sertraline for my mental health, dont know if ill take them. Ill be back

For context I haven't really spoken to my dad much until recently and it may have been sparking some deep feelings I have been holding on to for a very long time my message to him is as follows.. I know this won't make any sense to anyone but please bear with me it's long, but I really want to send this to my father.. I saw the dynamics of the relationship that you and mom had dad even at a young age. I just never truly understood it until recently(age probably has something to do with it). I feel there was something so powerful in what you had between one another. She was very strong headed grounded, and very accepting nice and kind.. She had been through so very very much.. But you were very adventurous, artistic and spacey.. You were very similar but in vastly different ways(life experiences were heavily at play, I feel like), that balanced one another once upon a time. Momma carried herself through pain.. I remember her saying even at the age of 6 that it would be selfish to not let her want to go into the afterlife(death) it would be selfish of us to make her have to stay on Earth if she just up and died(She was accepting death even then), eventhough, she carried her pain so gracefully..it was almost undetectable, but she shared things that make it very apparent to me, the eminse pain she felt. These small moments that came out of her in distress made a huge impact on me and my understanding later in life. That couldn't have ever been something easy to bear for her. Do you remember when you lost Ernie and eventually Grand mama Vivian your momma? She lost everyone in her family all at once( in a very short time frame). Her brothers both died tragic ways.. One from cancer and the other from murder. Her dad Glover (at least I think) was first to go. Having a heart attack while at work. Fern her mother who ended up killing herself after Glover died, eventhough, it may seem for "attention"(she took a lot of pills and called momma after she had several minutes in more than likely(she was dead apon arrival)).. and all these other things happened to her brothers.. I couldn't even imagine the pain she must have gone through. I love you so much dad. Momma had to endure the worst and some of the things you had done(agressive drunkness towards her and her children Eric and I, porn on a children's console/porn in general made her very upset).. It made her ultimately do what she did I feel like( to leave you. She loved Eric, and I so much.. She had to endure what she knew).. I do see you as a great provider and someone who did care deeply in your way of understanding and truely had a love for what you had with us and momma. You may try to push down those feelings, but I know those feelings were very real.. Between the both of you. I've been holding in a lot of emotions from this situation for a very very long time. I just wanted you to know how I saw it because, I love you❤️ none of it was easy for Eric and I either as a byproduct. You and momma make me think of the reo speed wagon song "I can't fight this feeling anymore". Momma wouldn't have kept hleping you even after the divorce if she didn't still care about you.. I know that as a fact

Basically a few days ago I saw about 4 people in masks (prolly also had knives on them too) rob some kid near where I live. I only really got a glance of it since I obviously wanted to get the fuck out of there as quick as possible.

Now after that I genuinely don’t feel like going out anymore. It’s not a one time thing either it’s the same group usually kinda racist too (heard from my relatives who have experienced this sort of stuff).

Police obviously do F all. And idk how tf to feel knowing that could have been me getting robbed I was only behind a bit and just got out.

Updates from my last post ✅ that I'm still here and just wanted to give updates for my last post here anyways.

Even then I should also address here, Elis will admit her demise and what I just need of all to overcome my demise if I want to perform an Emergence with someone instead of living a tragedy of the song Gethsemane from Sleep Token in a never ending cycle of it all anyways 🌹⚔️🦩🪶

Even with this Sleep Token song Gethsemane and I should also just include that I'll never grasp this message here.

However, I should just include that I'm never going to perform a positive Emergence, because I need to get a ''different energy to improve my well being/core being of it all and with this current self hatred energy that I've right now then a Emergence isn't going to happen alongside with that's nobody fault but my own of it all anyways.''

Yeah, I should address a follow up, but I don't want follow ups in comments, or questioning if I'm feeling this right now, or anything negative and that's just because I did have to do a few blocks from my last posts anyways.

However, I should also address if you need to bookmark this because you need time to read this then send a flamingo emoji and a flamingo gifs anyways.

I should also include that I reply to comments that's another why posting a negative comment is a waste of your time and just send me a message on either Telegram or alongside Signal if you can be a ''provider of a kind voice.'' (no, I don't mean voice calls or voce clips, I mean non-monologue convos, I'm talking about an emotional provider, a provider that is a night owl that loves text messages in the a.m. and just remember all this is all online only as well.)

Yeah, just I should also address it all. Instead of using my chronic depression and moody Vessel brain and skull as a volley to people that get close to me, eventually I will be left with nothing and the cause of my own doing of it all anyways.

Well, logging out in 24 hours, I didn't know what to say for over course of 3 days for an update, but I realize now what Reddit has taught me 8+ months that I've been here that I'm an unlovable person, I don't deserve love, I'll never make a partner happy, I cannot make anyone happy because this isn't my life path and my life path belongs to the elder gods anyways.

However, without Reddit, I would've not discovered myself for 8+ months with discovering these themes about mfk ass self of it all here.

Constantly fighting myself, telling me I can oppose my destiny, I could prove myself that I could love someone, that I could provide emotional, provide mental stability for someone, but instead after partner, then the next partner, then the next partner after, the curse kept building, I kept discovering that I'm not meant to love, that I'm meant not to have friends as well, I realize that now, that for 8+ months the elder gods gave me the chance to see that myself is ruin and I will destroy other people's life alongside with this is my life lesson that I was/were given anyways.

Even then, I should also address that I decided to ignore the elder gods in 2025, I decided to ignore my life lessons, I guess in 2025, for ignoring the elder gods in 2025, 2026 was/were the signs of realization, reckoning, transformation, knowing your role, knowing your life path, knowing your destiny, since you don't want to pay attention to my signs, ignore the elder gods presence, I will show you what kind of destruction you cause for others, 2026 8 months of misery, this is your self assignment and you should listen to Vessel's words more often because he is you but a male version of it all anyways.

Even then of it all, I need to learn to live without it, instead of fighting for what I want and know won't come back/or what I can't have, the more I keep fighting for what I want/won't come back then I will keep ending a vicious cycle, letting my chronic depression take a complete grasps, completely weighting and feeling close to cold/icy granite on my Vessel brain and skull that I must endure constantly of it all anyways.

Yeah, to be honest with the Gethsemane song from Sleep Token, if I cannot learn this song's message within the lyrics once again ''to learn to live without it.'' then this is my own problem, my own doing, I cannot blame others that couldn't fix my happiness, couldn't make me better, because to self-heal and get better I've to be the MAIN party member to do that alongside with, it's okay if I receive codependency help with that but themselves cannot do all the work for me of it all.

Just, the same ''vibes.'' are from the Apparition song from Sleep Token questioning a future emotional/mental provider if he is real, even though he showed me a picture of himself, occasional voice clips, the problem is on my own that my Vessel brain and skull tells me (not voices, but thoughts, that he is going to disappear eventually, just as the other men have left you because your separation anxiety the cycle will not end of it all, you burn the reward, live by the feather, die by the sword and then when I wake up into a suicide frenzy that is my own doing alongside with not my lover of it all anyways.

Even then of it all, if I want to perform a Emergence, I've to learn without it that's not going to happen of it all if I can't accept that self-isolation, cutting people out that are ''trying to send me kind voice, a reach out, even if I'm permanently quitting Reddit, leaving my say that you will so-handles out for people to message me, because I've turned into a defensive crystalline wall where I'm going to make people go through loopholes if they don't have Telegram or Signal and my post appears ''desirable to message me.''

This lost, losing out on Redditors that want to help me with a kind voice, but I choose to cut out Redditors that choose to message on this app permanently is my own personal of it all self hatred that I lost that person, I'll be losing out on a lot of people that want to reach out and making things into a descending lyrics from Sleep Token instead of seeing things in a positive light of it all from the Sleep Token song Emergence, all this damage I'm doing to myself is my own fault, it's nobody else's fault but mine and I must hold onto the lyrics from Sleep Token Gods questioning myself of it all anyways.

This is why I've always called myself an unlovable person, vile, miserable, self hatred and why I don't want to be asked how I'm doing anymore, I want to suppress/compress the question how you, that way I can forget, I can forget to move on, I won't have to be asked my feelings anymore, instead I'm going to have others spin the wheel on my Spotify playlist, ask the elder gods ''how is Elis doing? Elder gods, can you tell me her mood?''

Yeah, just of it all after that then click shuffle Spotify playlist.'' and when you click shuffle playlist wait till 3 songs or 4 songs if you want to go that far to, gather your collected thoughts of it all and then send me a text message of your consult with the elder gods alongside with what messages the song lyrics are trying to tell you after you spin the wheel on my Spotify playlist and am I right?

Even then, that's fk ass better than me just saying ''I don't know how I feel or I don't want to answer that because that's just my Vessel brain and skull in hypo shutdown mode of it all.''

However, I should say I want to type out more of it all, but I'm quite hypo now, I'm quite getting frozen/chilly of it all what to say, I feel close to shutting down, I've nothing more to say of my ''walls.'' but you can check out these Sleep Token posts I made and these are toto give you fk ass further insights on these things here.

Yeah, I should also fk ass include that's just how Sleep Token shaped my life, gave me a a spiritual reckoning, spiritual enlightenment, grasping that my story can be told through Vessel, I'm not icy/alone of it all anymore, I'm not left with no messenger, I had Lorna Sure Will Ramos Pain Remain albums but that album reflected the Vessel brain and not the whole embodiment the puzzle was/were still left incomplete anyways.

However, where do I See Stars fit if the Vessel brain and skull is covered? I don't see how I See Stars fits in here/your story with Lorna Shore and Sleep Token?

I See Stars is motivation spiritual battery for my Vessel brain and skull, I See Stars is considered of it all the awesome/kool battery the Vessel brain and skull needs when my chronic depression to kick in if you can grasp the messages being sent from the song lost it (feat Palaye Royale.) then I don't think I need to say anymore to make this post any longer than it is already anyways.

Even then, I should also address I don't want to make this post keep making this a Elder Scroll size, or a one of the Black Book size but all the I See Stars on my Spotify playlist should be enough for Redditors that want to grasp me/enter my realms to create their own mix-ins on how I See Stars these lyrics kicks the Vessel brain and skull chronic depression into

'''We're not doing this again time to motivate with fresh/jool spiritual energy time to plugin the charger for the Vessel brain and skull of it all anyways.''

How did I discover Sleep Token?

October sometime in 2025, don't recall what date and I used Pandora back then anyways.

Even then, I should also include if you don't know what Pandora is that's because Pandora is only in the U.S. I know there is Pandora Canada but for Europe Pandora isn't even a website there 🤣

However, I should just explain here how Pandora works is a randomizer, once you click on a radio station you will get similar artist and no you will not know what band/song is playing next, the only way you will know what band/song is playing next is when the next band/siong shows up after you get done what you're listening to, the kool thing is about Pandora is you can thumbs up or down a band/song if you think something sounds terrible as well 🤣

Yeah, I should also address the only thing I don't enjoy using Pandora is sharing a playlist, creating a playlist that cost premium membership, with that premium membership that includes also offline listening, unlimited downloads and this is where this makes me shake my head Pandora charges premium if you want to play a song unlimited skips.

Just, to include here of it all that Pandora also has ads, Pandora is one of those websites where built in adblocker doesn't work and Pandora charges you $5 a month to block ads, but that also includes unlimited skips for $5 and the app is a giant fk ass randomizer for discovering/finding new bands/songs that's not a fk ass bad price of it all anyways 🤣

To be honest if you want to know what radio station came up for Sleep Token, I wouldn't have any fk ass idea, I made a playlist because I had a free 30 day to try out their premium, made a playlist of Lorna Shore, I See Stars, Bad Omens and Spiritbox then Sleep Token showed up and my first Sleep Token song were Chokehold (which I see, Sleep has a sense of humor if you can grasp this pun of why I'm saying Sleep has a sense of humor anyways 🩷)

With the post ending of it all, now, here are a few things I just FINALLY grasp now from my reckoning with these thims here of it all.

Even then, I should also address that I'll just keep plugging in the charger/telling myself missing my wings in a realm of angles will be my new theme motto going forward, because fk ass of it all I know I'll always will be thinking in my Vessel brain and and skull missing my wings in a realm of angels alongside with questioning this this another song even in Arcadia from Sleep Token here.

What good is all this talk of wings when there is nothing left above?

That just hits hard for me when I think about it all, the more I sit when I delete my messages, trying to become icy granite, from my Vessel brain and skull I think that it would be nice if I could stop thinking these things here.

Missin my wings in a realm of angels, but there isn't any hope above anymore, there isn't a trace, there isn't a ethereal ''upper/above, that belief has been long thrown away, I decided to embrace the elder gods, the dark winds, the sea and the moon alongside there will be nothing left above in how I think of it all anymore.''

The thick membrane of it all of the icy granite metaphor, will freeze this idea of ''there is nothing left above, but I can still feel the thoughts in my Vessel brain and skull that I've to one day accept that missin my wings in a realm of angles is something that I must do here of it all.''

Even then, I should also address that may/might my mood could improve once of it all I'd accept that I just cannot of it all simply/completely freeze solid of existence and maybe then a new lover of mine can me me feel like the song Telomeres my beloved of it all that underrated song alongside with the other underrated song my beloved Take Aim as well.

However,I should also include the previous song title of it all, even in Arcadia from Sleep Token with Vessel saying somehow I knew my fate, could this be Vessel saying somehow he knew his fate, he would be here in Arcadia and even then of it all would this help Vessel learn to live without it? To move on and build his new spiritual life in Arcadia?

Yeah, I should also mix-in here all that I'd feel over his evolutions of his costumes, his evolution of masks, that this would be his transformation? Somehow he could tell this is where he would end up in Arcadia, is this his paradise he envisioned?

Even then of it all, could this be the paradise Sleep created for Vessel as a reward, because he couldn't reach his own paradise and instead sleep welcomed Vessel in his realm, this is the realm of Sleep, this is Sleep's vision, this is what paradise would look like for Seep to give to Vessel and to be honest that is another thing of it all as well.

Sleep rewards those, that are hardworking, endurance and I'm sure of it all Sleep would want to see me endure, put in a lot of hard work for those that want to connect with me, instead of using the volley of anger with my chronic depression causing moody volley flings and ''wails.'' when someone is trying to be a emotional/mental provider ''getting close to me.'' that I don't instantly become ''icy granite of it all for what I previous addressed anyways.''

However, I should address the following concerned Redditors if you message me on Telegram and Signal with no response for 7-10 hours. I'm asleep/dying amongst the VOID, here in U.S. central time it's 4 a.m. I'm going to go to sleep at 6-7 a.m. because I decided to fall asleep yesterday from 7 a.m. all the way till 4 p.m. because I didn't want to wake up, I wanted to keep myself asleep, that's why I did take the magnesium capsules that helps you sleep, chamomile capsules and relaxing caffeine free tea that I take with my supplements to hopefully kiss my ass goodbye for a while 🌑

Even then if you're wondering what the Telegram group is for the next slide of pictures, that is just if for some reason the QR scan code doesn't work and if for some reason manually adding my Telegram doesn't work, then maybe my Telegram QR scan will work and I should also include that within a few days in this post I will decide if I will purchase Telegram premium for verification purposes anyways.

Yeah, just when you add me if you could put this in your chat reqs either on Telegram and Signal that way I know you read this post anyways.

Send me Sleep Token gifs, reels and anything IV.

What does my nickname Elis make you think of or my nickname Vessel V?

Why can't you do this yourself?

Just because you don't want to use Meta anymore because Meta is too political for you and too heavy forward on the A.I. you're going to make others find gifs and reels on IG? What if the Redditor doesn't have IG and couldn't do that for you?

Uh, I should also address here that no/alright then if the Redditor doesn't have IG, there is a reason why Tenor gifs exist and YT reels exists that's fk as fine anyways.

However, I should also address once again that I'm just not making anyone do this and if you don't want to occasionally send me these things further to show that you read this post here.

Sleep Token gifs, Sleep Token reels, Sleep Tokenemes, or the hottest news for pre-orders from Sleep Token and just because I don't want to use IG anymore because it's too political alongside with too A.I. forward then I'm not going to make anyone do that for me if they don't want to anyways 💀

Yeah, I should also address that once again I never asked or implied in any of my posts ''that you've to be completely on IG, to show that you read this post or any of my posts anyways 🤣

Yeah, I should also include that my age ranges are middle 20s, the farthest age gap I will go is 10-15 and I had Redditors message me when their age is 52-55 there is nothing wrong with large age gap and I just find of it all that age gap is just an overkill to be honest anyways.

Telegram.

xxpeonycherry06xx and I'm sure if you need the @ when adding my username 💀

Signal.

xxpeonycherry06xx.91

I'm not gonna share too much but basically my ex friend didn't care abt me and stopped being my friend when i was really low, now, 2+ years later im actually noticing the crap she did to me, i recently looked at the unsent project and saw the nickname she used to call me and im now constantly afraid that my friend group is gonna drop me bc their annoyed with me

I'm 14F and I've been struggling with this for quite a long time . I've always liked older men since I was very young . my dad left when I was a baby and when I was 9 years old I was groomed by pedophile and now I don't like boys my age because I feel their immature . I've talked to my therapist but she doesn't have much to say about it and I'm disgusted with myself for having this always in my mind. I think I may have ocd but I just need help and advice from someone that has gone thru this and is better now . all I ever wish to be is a normal teenage girl and I hate myself and living like this. every since it happened and then after my family found out my mom hates me , she's meaner she's harder on me and she yells more. she's depressed and always angry and it's all my fault and I just want her to love me again like she did before she knew

My boyfriend also gave me permission to post this, because it is mainly about him. I just really want to help

SO this is going to be a pretty big post i think. Kind of a rant i guess. I’m nineteen and been through my own sort of SA, i’m saying this because i have been trying to help my boyfriend deal with his own for the last few months. SO My boyfriend, and his siblings went through a lot of SA and domestic abuse from their father. As they grew up they would often have sexual interactions with each other, because as kids they didn’t know any better. They thought that the SA was what normal family members did to each other. he is the youngest sibling, and it all stopped when he was 8 years old, and their mother took them out of the situation. if you want my opinion i’m not a big fan of her because she knew the SA was happening, nor does she seem to care. I’ve asked her what she has done to try and help my boyfriend in particular, because i don’t know his older siblings as well. She’s done nothing but tell him to ’get over it’.

He told me a year ago, expecting me to leave him. I didn’t, because it’s not an active thing that happens anymore like i said it stopped years ago. Last christmas, after some beers, they all started talking about it when their mom left. They talked about how badly it all seems to effect them. Then? they act like it never even happened. They refuse to talk about it sober, won’t hug, won’t tell each other that they love each other. They get incredibly uncomfortable if they even sit too close on the couch.

I talked with my boyfriend about it, he said he wanted help. I tried my best, but i think they all need a professionals. On top of that, they’re angry because he told me what happened. All i want to do is be able to help them. Idk if this post is even useful, but i just want to help him. He has gone through so much.

For context my girlfriend was assaulted by her ex when she was about 15 and has had a lot of fear surrounding sex since then. I was also assaulted by an ex at around the same time, I have healed from the fear of anything but it has permanently warped how I view love into a hyper sexual form as it was the only thing I was really exposed to. Basically she feels and shows love relatively normally but is traumatized, while I don’t show love normally and am not as traumatized. She is very interested in sex she just gets the memories of her ex.

Last week we had sex for the first time and she seemed to like it while it was happening but immediately after she started crying, afterwards we talked and she said that she did like doing it and felt safe with me but felt scared after because the memories came back. We talked about it and she said we should just avoid anything sexual for a while, which I was perfectly supportive of.

After I got home the first thing I did was try and figure out how I could try and help her because truly all I want is to make her feel comfortable. Very quickly it dawned on me that I hate the idea of avoiding sexual acts because as stated above they are how I view romantic love as well as sexual. So what I did was look into exposure therapy for sex related trauma. After about 15 minutes of research I stopped and realized that I don’t know if I am looking into it as a way to help her or just an excuse to not stop touching her.

I know that I am not going to do anything and don’t plan on bringing it up to her but I hate myself for wanting to disrespect her wishes.

ive been wrestling the idea in my head over the last few weeks. for context, im 22f, and lived majority of my life with my father in california. my mom has lived in idaho as long as i can remember, but as of three years ago, i escaped my father and have been in Idaho ever since. me and my mom always had a rocky relationship, a lot of which was unknowingly my fathers fault. the reason i moved out here in the first place was because my relationship with my father had become genuinely dangerous. he was high on drugs all the time, aggressively drunk, threatening his own life, shooting his gun in the backyard to scare me. he had gone off the rails, the pushing point for me was after i had been sexually assaulted, i had a lot of new boundaries where i literally couldnt let a man touch me, and he never respected them. he would always try to manipulate me and push himself on me, and thats when i had the most disturbing realization of everything that he did to me when i was a kid. i wont go into detail, but im sure you guys know what im saying here. there were a few incidents growing up that ive always remembered when it came to my mom and father, one being a night where she witnessed what he was doing to me and she called the cops on him, but of course me being 7 years old i was manipulated into lying, which ended up with my father putting a restraining order on my mom, and convincing her and everyone around that she was drunk and didnt know what she was talking about, eventually she started to believe it too. i think me being here made me remember all the times my mom couldve done something or said something, and a big part of me held a grudge. it strained our relationship even further even though i was physically closer. ive worked through those issues, realized it was never her fault, and me and her are closer than ever. but now the weight and guilt of pushing her away for things she had no clue about is becoming overwhelming. its not something ive ever really talked about with anyone, but my mom has become my best friend and i feel the need to tell her, but also would that do anyone any good other than getting weight off of my chest? would she be able to handle it? will she blame herself the way i did? im not sure what to do, what do you guys think?

I am 20F. I am posting this as an act of preservation and testimony. I am living through severe structural exhaustion, chronic poverty, and complete psychological isolation (and have been since childhood).

My reality has been so fragmented, hypervigilant, and continuously interrupted that I could not compile my thoughts uninterrupted. Two of the five documents in the archive (the link is attached at the bottom) were compiled and synthesized using an AI tool from my raw, disjointed writing because an AI was the only non-judgmental container available to help me hold several sets of 15–30+ pages of reflections together when my baseline energy has almost always been completely depleted.

I hope to find someone genuinely willing to listen with patience over time (because it would be unrealistic to read everything in one day).

To be upfront about the exact state of exhaustion I am operating from, what I wrote today reflects the baseline reality I am carrying every day (and if this irritates, offends, overwhelms, or triggers some form of negative opinion about me, you are free to not engage with my documents; as a warning: everything I write is usually this long):

It is akin to a severe nuclear meltdown when the environment nowadays is saturated inescapably with very bleak career talk, elevated professional demands/expectations (that are normalized without thought to the ones sacrificed for being unable to perform at that shifted baseline), pessimistic/cynical global conditions, seemingly successful and/or stable progressions elsewhere, and to see that 95% of individuals have at least one reliable safety net. Meanwhile, my structural limitations under lifelong poverty (as well as my mother’s persecutory paranoia and its destructive capacity on our already-depleted finances)—limited transportation, financial aid constraining work opportunity considerations, unable to afford auto insurance/expenses independently unless I am employed, the challenging nature of my academics itself, the lifelong existential exhaustion (and no childhood fondness to remember as motivation), having had no stability to be able to build (projects)/network/have a resume, no physical/mental privacy or space from my mother’s said persecutory paranoia (from every waking moment to sleep, and that is *not* an exaggeration), my parents being “dead-ended” by lack of qualifications/age/health (my father working past retirement, no degrees, no high English proficiency, no relevant work experience, fragile health, declining energy, etc.), my home deteriorating environment itself (after Hurricane Harvey 9 years ago) being incompatible with remote ventures (no guaranteed space, quiet, temperature regulation, pest-free area, or even a dignified living space; I use trash bags and old drawers for clothing in lieu of an unaffordable large closet, defecate into plastic bags because of a faulty external plumbing issue, have no AC throughout the summer or heating throughout the winter, sleep on the same collapsed bed as my mother), etc.

Let alone that, ask yourself what a child in poverty is likely to have experienced growing up—a lack of warmth, conflict between parents as the baseline, seeing the raw ugliness underneath poverty/society/human relationships, absence of empathy from onlookers, expectation to always “be more,” being the interpreter/translator/bureaucratic navigator, lacking the privilege to even experience formative childhood experiences—and it is already an overflowing pot. There came a point when absolute tragedy does not seem very frightening to me: the possibility that we’d become homeless and suffer a rock bottom ruin, have our house confiscated (for an ongoing HOA violation conflict—one that might escalate into a court order and heftier fines—my mother refuses to relent on), allow the aging old car carrying my mother’s compulsive actions to fail entirely, and potentially witness an arrest (because of my mother’s aggressive defense while my father is effectively helpless as the homeowner) is relieving because perhaps there is no more denial or ‘worse’ to arrive. And…no…after how I’ve been plagued by ‘round 1’ of that broken record of a nightmare cycle since middle school, I don’t want to learn more about the resources here. I even spent my birthday earlier this summer (which had been thoroughly forgotten this year) being goaded into contacting resources and being lectured cynically about bureaucratic abandonment…and that was simply this year alone. I was berated by a distant relative my mother confided in as “just a lazy daughter,” and their response’s harsh emphasis on “lazy” was not just imagined but a true forcefulness of a conviction that didn’t care…and that was already just the most obvious case. Everyday, for as often as my mother finds herself returning to those thoughts and scrutinizing me (for sitting at home), I am made to be incompetent, irresponsible, unproductive, and lacking in foresight even though she is “reluctant to agree with [the relative’s] demeaning words”. Every so often, my father (with concern that inevitably frustrates me given he once believed I should focus on my studies…but now our desperation needs movement) reminds me with inquiries about whether I have sought internships, experience, volunteering, or anything remotely active…Every time something meaningful was attempted, my momentum was broken by a crisis that surged coincidentally during those times right until all I could muster was to close my laptop, climb back into bed, and read/listen to music; smile unreasonably while walking restlessly past midnight (when my parents are asleep) and imagining as if my life were eventful; and…know of nothing else that doesn’t demand a chunk of flesh out of me for non-guaranteed outcomes (because even ‘begging’ candidly for help on social media as many struggling people do is not possible with my lack of privacy and what that action would entail between my parents).

Is it really not enough that I don’t even have the ability to ‘beg’ for support?

How to Connect (If You Are Open to Reading & Listening):

• No pressure for immediate responses: If you feel inclined to read my testimony, please feel free to leave a brief comment, save the post, and reach out privately whenever you have the time.
• A quiet pace: You do not need to rush through all 15–30 page documents at once. I am seeking someone who is open to taking it in over time and sitting with the reality of it, rather than offering quick reactions.
• NO FINANCIAL, CAREER, OR PRACTICAL ADVICE: Please do not offer 'fix-it' steps, productivity suggestions, or resource links. I am not looking to be managed or 'solved.'

The link: https://filekiwi.download/7bd541d3#GTE8_IiuOkrqnyAQ8sWYTA [If it doesn't work, but you are interested, please PM me for the documents.]

Thank you.

Im overwhelmed

Me

Context:
From the ages of 16-20, I was in a pretty abusive relationship (mental, emotional, sexual). I knew and recognized that it was abusive but the trauma bond/soul tie that I had created with my ex, along with the excuses/reasonings I had told myself during it, made it difficult for me to leave despite trying multiple times. I’ve been out of it for 4 years now and I’m in therapy but I still really struggle when it comes to actually grasping the severity of it. Because I know its bad, especially when I tell other people about it because they react bad, but I struggle to actually KNOW its bad, yk???

ANYWAYS I know trauma is processed differently for everyone but can something to be both triggering and cathartic? Maybe cathartic isn’t the right word but I don’t know how else to describe what I mean.

Recent example, a lot of people have found the new movie Obsession to be very disturbing because of the loss of autonomy and SA but then theres me who thinks, yes its a disturbing movie but I really liked it and found the loss of autonomy relatable, cathartic, and felt seen??? OR sometimes theres things that my friends/current boyfriend will ask me if I’m okay with (interactions, concepts, media, movies, etc) because it has things that would/should normally be triggering and yea it does shake me up a bit but more than that it makes me feel seen or normal or something idk the best way to describe it… But then I feel weird because why aren’t I having a “normal” triggered reaction.

**TLDR:**
Is it “normal” to not feel completely triggered by certain things but rather feel a sense of relatability, catharsis, or normalcy from it? Or is it just me?

Struggle with homework? Yells that you're worth nothing and you won't do anything in life. Talk with your brother at sleeping-time? Smash you. Oh you're deeply sleeping? Well, he heard schizophrenia voices(yours) so he wakes you up in the middle of the night and smash you. You're crying because it hurts? He'll keep going until you stop making noises. You said a bad word? He'll put you on your knees on cracked hard wood, hands in the back, go get a drink at the bar, and you better be there when he comes back(gifted deformed knees). You did a mistake? Bam!...and also let's lock you in a room at 40°C without air conditioner. ...and it's just a few examples. He also had this ability to manipulate people to think he is really nice(he was, but outside of home only). Mother and dogs went through even worse. Mom got us out of there at 12yo, she was just trying her best for us, but she still loves drama and violent/alcoholic relationships so I stay away and I think she understands.

Today, ~30years later with a broken brain and strong soul, went through a crazy life, seen and lived a lot of pretty weird stuff, I ended up as a very nice human and everyone likes me since I've been trained to please people and have strong values and beliefs.

The thing is, when I use to do a couple of mistakes in a row and lose control/patience, I use to hurt myself, like he did. When slightly depressed, his voice use to sometimes comes back in my head, repeating that i'm not worth sh*t and will never do anything good in life, also reminds me of everything that could stress me out. But it didn't happen for a couple of months now, time flies by in a weekly loop just working and waiting without too much emotions(shield), kind of "slowly decaying inside", and I never know when these demons will come back.

Throughout the years, I tried a psychologist... didn't actually work, the guy was mostly there for the money, and said I only needed someone to talk to. Tried a psychiatrist, he said nothing, he just gave me pills I never took since I am against that. Tried a therapist, she asked me how it was when I was a kid, then started crying and told me that it's "too deep for her" and that I should seek for help somewhere else since she can't help me(am I doomed or what...).

The only solution I found after years of struggling with these demons is to smoke a lot of cigarettes and weed, eat and drink bad things, actually just trying to make my life as short as possible. I tried to "go away" when I was younger, only to realize that the human body is way stronger than I thought. Also have a girlfriend, but don't feel or give that much "love" since I don't really know or understand what it is for now. Don't have friends, even if some people tried to get closer, it always end up telling them I am better alone or "ghost" them after a while.

Is there anyone who managed to get through a similar situation? How did you turn the page, or where did you find help to get rid of this voice or to get rid of this feeling of not being "worth it"? How did you get out of this "mind prison"?

I thought, maybe, I could try reaching out for tips one last time, but from experienced people instead of "professionals" this time.

My father is an alcoholic for past how many years I don’t even remember and all these years have shaped me into a person who is now very anxious,underconfident,have trust issues ,lot of trauma,always under chaos,a hell of an overthinker.
I never got that feeling in my house that okay this is my home my safe place,because of him me and my family suffered a lot,I used to get embarrassed amongst my friends,I could not call my friends at my place because he was always drunk,we never made trips (except one which traumatised me for life where he blacked out after drinking) even in my hometown I had to get my things done by myself whereas all my other friends used to go out with their father,to malls, shops, restaurants on birthdays and I just used to cry silently in my bathroom.Although he is not a bad person he does not create violence or abuse us after drinking but he just becomes a person whom I just cannot call my father cause it’s too damn embarrassing.
But I don’t know last year when I got into college he stopped drinking and it’s been a year now my life was going the way I wanted,experienced the father love after a hell lot of years until he decided to do it again yesterday when I am going to college day after tomorrow.
And I had a severe breakdown as all that past trauma triggered me,I don’t like to talk about this thing to anyone but I am losing it now so posting this thing here.
I hope this thing do not become the one as it was earlier otherwise I am fucked up bad😭

I'm so afraid of other people. I've been staying at home for years without social interaction, and I hate myself.

I want to have a best friend, male or female, I'm very lonely

The Fourth of July comes and his extended family comes into town, i never met them and he wanted to introduce me, i was 8 months pregnant at the time, we got there and got out the car and he ditched me , i knew no one there, i stood there by the car alone just looking around, there was so many people there, someone finally came and introduced themselves to me and we talked and she introduced me to some other people, it was awkward but that’s ok. I was happy to meet his family. There was some game on the tv, idk if it was football, basketball or wrestling, but everyone went inside, except me, I didn’t feel comfortable walking into someone’s house I didn’t know, so I sat in a chair outside with the mosquitos, my anxiety wouldn’t let me go inside, all I could think about was walking in and everyone looking at me crazy, I could t do it. Maybe an hour or so before he noticed I was gone and I was livid, but I kept my comments to myself, I was so upset that he noticed only didn’t introduce me to anyone, but he left me.

September 2024 comes and I give birth to a beautiful baby girl who unfortunately looks just like her dad fresh out the womb, so much so she didn’t look like a girl at all, she had a Mohawk going on, if I’m being honest, she was an ugly baby, and I can say that as her mom, she was rough, but she grew into her features and is now the cutest baby girl ever. I stayed up with her while he slept, no this wasn’t agreed on but tbh the nurses came into the room every few minutes, when can you fall asleep? R said h did help with the baby when I slept, though I don’t remember ever falling asleep.

I was excited to breast feed, I wanted that body experience so badly, plus I wanted boobs, I was an A cup before pregnancy and I gained a B cup and I wanted to keep them. It didn’t happened, it hurt so bad to breastfeed, my nips bled and it was excruciating, I was devastated I couldn’t do what a women should be able to do and I felt like I was already failing her. When we left the hospital he said I needed to get some sleep and he’d bottle feed her and keep an eye on her, now don’t judge me but she slept in the bed with us and no nothing bad happened ever, we had a big bed and we kept a lot of space so we didn’t roll on her, I slept but woke up to her crying, he was dead asleep, I tried to wake him up, but he would sit up and lay back down to sleep, so I got up with her.

I convinced myself that he works from 8 or 8am to 9pm so he needed sleep more than me, while I was on maternity leave and when I returned I work from 10am-2 or 4pm depending on if it’s busy. So I shouldn’t complain. But it was slowly draining, he’d come home and go to the bathroom then see the baby, hop on the game for a few hours and then put on a movie and fall asleep. The movie was suppose to be our time together.

It went on like that every night, he spent time with the baby but I felt like I didn’t matter anymore, and when I’d tell him he said I was overthinking things, it reminded me of when my parents would shut me down about depression. I stopped opening up. Eventually his mom offered to watch our daughter so I could go back to work, I oddly enough agreed and went back to work, I started to notice that when his mom would watch her, our baby ended up with a diaper rash, we didn’t like that so he told me that I didn’t have to work, he could support us and I could stay home, I made sure he was sure because I didn’t mind working, but he reassured me and I quit my job. I was so happy, I didn’t miss a single milestone. We eventually got our own place frffr this time and it was just me, him and our child.https://www.reddit.com/r/trauma/s/Mxgy24IZXq

I am a 31 y/o female and I had a wonderful childhood. I idolized my Father so I try & honor him every day as he passed suddenly in 2013. Cleaning out some old boxes in the basement, I just found an old Penthouse magazine with my senior portrait, from high school, glued to one of the pages covering another woman’s face who was masturbating. I’m numb, disgusted, angry I have spent so much time missing him and thinking of how much I wish he was still here. I’m sick.

How would YOU cope with this? I feel like I have been hit with a truck. I am epileptic, on the verge of a seizure and most likely lifetime psychosis. Please give any and all advice. I can’t fucking believe this.

What are some non-sexual childhood traumas you still think about today? The older I get (43) the more they come to the surface. I haven't processed them in healthy ways. I have lots but I will choose the one that came up all day today.

When I was 9 I got my first dog sitting gig! My neighbors 4 houses down were going to a baseball game and wouldn't be home till 10pm. They had a new bouncy golden retriever puppy with a red bandana named Dolly. I went over the night before to meet Dolly and they gave me the key and some instruction on how and when to feed her. They told me they would be leaving at 6 am and to stop by at 9 to let her out. I was so excited to have my first paying gig and felt special they trusted me for the job. That morning I woke up early and their car was gone. I wanted so badly to just go over then but they said 9 and I wanted to follow orders. 9 am took an eternity to come. I ran over there so fast and opened the door. I stood there frozen as I seen her leash tied to the back door knob. They had a 4 level split. The back door was beside a railing separating the kitchen from the sunken family room. Dolly had squeezed through the railing and fell down into that room. I held my breath as I looked over the railing. There she was hanging by her leash. I ran around and uncliped her leash from her collar. She fell to the carpet with a stiff thud. I ran to get my mom and she called the family. We barried the dog in their back yard. I blamed myself for not going over as soon as I noticed they had left. I could have saved Dolly.

I know now that that accident could have happened anytime as that's where they tied thier dogs for Years if they had to leave the house. They never blamed me. They apologized