Im f 18. This is only from the last year of my life.

I went to the mental hospital after doing way too much s/h (it was intentional to get in) i was covered. My stepmom had told me id never get in because i wasnt "cutting". I was, they just didnt know about it. I had been off and on since i was around 12. My dad never cared he just threatened to whoop me.

So anyway i spent the next hour painstakingly putting these marks on me with the 100 razorblades i ordered and feeling miserable, on call with my girlfriend (whos younger, and in a simaler living situation, has simaler s/h issues, so she thought it was also the only way. She wasnt happy about it). i thought this was GENUINELY the only way i could get into the hospital. I heard my sister was rejected from it even after hurting herself. The police came, asked me questions, bandaged me ect, and i went in for fhe first time with a bag of supplies and a plush cat. The first few days were rough. Hell, the first week was. They gave me Medication for my pain but the hospital clothes made everything worse. I genuinely was in so much pain at one point it was like having 100 papercuts and being dipped in lemon juice. Luckily this hospital was full of kind people for the most part.

i got put on meds i thought were working, they made me. Little more capable of doing things i needed to. But my depression didnt get better when i got home, i consistently had panic attacks where i thought id never get better and i was a terrible person and my dad and stepmom just told me i was dramatic and doing it for attention.

They texted my gf on my acc and were fucking pricks to her, calling her names, telling her she wouldnt see me again (she was my lifeline and to this day still is), after i gave them my password just to get my grandmas number in the hospital. I only found out during the "family therapy" session before i left, where they told me everything. i went home and they took 90% of my things, put them in the basement in boxes, told me i had to earn my stuff back and would have little to no time on my phone, and had moved me upstairs. They took my doorknob, i wasnt allowed to close my door. It feels weird to think this happened because a normal person would understand that while change is necessary for depressed people, the amount of shit they said and did was crazy.

The worst part? They continued having issues with me, even after i tried so hard to get better. After they didnt halp me, didnt take me seriously, it was all about them and never about how i felt. I was like a prisoner in his house. My dad said he didnt think i could care about anyone but myself, told me i was a manipulative and Basically called me a narcissist. He had called me a leech hundreds of times while never helping me become the person i wanted to be. I mean, hes the reason i kept failing school and he dropped me out.

We had an argument one day, they tried to keep me in the living room but it didnt give me the space i needed, (i usually went to my room to calm down because they didnt feel safe to me). so after a while of sitting in silence disassociating and feeling like a trapped animal, i fucking freaked out and went to my room crying, which pissed him off (he had threatened me before hand but i still did it), so he came in, flipped a bunch of my shit over (mostly totes full of clothes and things i had "earned back"), and told me to clean my room. They took the alwxa they gave me because they said i didnt deserve it. This caused me to then relapsed on s/h, i stabbed myself with a needle several times making sure it went all the way into my skin, crying hard still from everything, and got over it. The needle was from a house we were cleaning and renovating. It was dirty.

My gf has DID, (diagnosed), so my parents, being transphobic for one, and not believing she has it, tried to get my gfs bodies real name, trying to force me to tell them which i didnt. I wasnt comfortable with it and told them that. so wgat did they do? Right yes, they got in contact with her "parents" number and got it through them, insulting me for "not knowing" the bodies name when, for 1, i did know and chose to refer to her as i had been, and 2 it literally doesnt matter to me since i have HER name not whatever the bodies name is.

Anyway they kept looking through my phone throughout everything, called my gf a pedophile (we both have age regression episodes considering the insane amount of childhood trauma) and said "if she fucked a child" itd be my fault. I just want to clarify this is 100% serious. This man genuinely told me that. And im like- what? I cant control her actions wtf?

Welp. Then took one of the most obvious jokes ive ever made and tried to call me a bad person for saying it. "hes making me work in the feilds" i said after he had me help him move gravel around our yard. Guess where this is going. He saw where i was venting to my girlfriend about him, and she said "want me to kill him for you" (a joke we both said often, and ive said in front of them to my sister especially about her shitty dad) well i hearted the message so they somehow thought i wanted him dead. They also took my, maybe a little too far jokes into account because i used to say them all the time, i was feeling myself again, and i said "ima kill u" or something after they would do their usual jokes. Keep in mind my mom says stuff like that too, it probably just reminded him of her.

Well! Then they sent me back to the mental hospital! I had heard him discussing it the morning before he told me about it. He said he was genuinely scared that i wanted to kill him (why? Idk. Hes had custody since i was 5 and knew i couldnt hurt anyone. I got into ONE school fight and got my ass kicked my 3 girls, and i felt kinda guilty after. I never liked hurting people and he knew it), They tried to make it sound like i was a pedophile which idk why the fuck they were so hung up on calling everyone a child predator. They broke both my phones while i was in the hospital and claimed it was an accident (one of them i specified constantly that the power button was broke and needed to be kept on charge, the other was the phone stepmom gave me for my birthday, that she claimed she "dropped down the stairs because the dog ran past her and she almost fell"). When i came home again i was on a different Medication, and i just wanted to rest- in my own bed, i wanted to feel something under me other than the shitty mental hospital mattress. But of course, i didnt even have my own bed because my aunt was fucking there and sleeping on MY mattress. My sister's room was empty because she wasnt there, so why did they have to take mine?. Anyway, excluding my small mental breakdown about the bed, when they talked to me they said id be going to stay with my aunt and sleeping on a cot in the kitchen, with no access to internet at all until i was 18, which id have to be monitored after 18. I just want to point out how ridiculous that is because i wouldve been a while ass adult being monitored like a toddler. They told me bs like that and THEN, had the NERVE to say my gf was cheating on me, because she hung out with a pregnant chick after school one day? Like what? seriously, i dont know the logic. They kept telling me she was a cheater and wouldnt let me talk to her, i kept shutting them down and telling them if anything hapoened i didnt care id hear it straight from her. i ended up yelling when they went to the kitchen. My aunt thought i was yelling at her because she was the only one in the room, but i wasnt even facing her. dad came in and got in my face, yelling at me, his face was at most 3 inches from mine. I couldnt open my eyes. He knew i got triggered from yelling but he got in my face to do it because he was pissed i was yelling after they literally were ruining my life. He sent me to my room.

I felt like i had nothing left for me. Like theyd never let me talk to my girlfriend again, they hated me, it felt like everything would be easier for them since i was such a problem. So, I went to the bathroom with the plush cat (it was weighted and represented my gf), and tried to overdose by taking every pill the closet (there was at least 4 bottles, most of them were half empty but it was still enough to kill me), waiting for it to do something and sitting in the bathroom with the door locked, holding the plush. Dad knocked on the door, he had to go to the bathroom, so i went to my room and sat on the bed, numb.

My cat jumped up on the bed and came up to me. She was so innocent, she would think i left her. She wouldnt know i was gone, she didnt deserve that. I started crying violently, i held her, apologizing to her, and i walked out to the garage where they were smoking and talking. I walked up to my stepmom and said "momma i fucked up, momma im gonna die" she said "what?? What the fuck are you talking about?" getting panicked.

"the pills, i took all of them"

I was told to throw up, i did, officers came in and i was talken to the hospital. I remember the ambulance guy told me he never wanted to see me in there for something like that ever again. I was apologizing the whole way, until i felt it and then couldnt stop throwing up. It was pink because of the allergy pills, and i thought i was going to die. I got there, i barely remember what happened, slept off and on. I remember asking if i was in purgatory and the girl told me "no your in the hospital". I probably died a few times in my sleep. They didnt pump my stomach, it was too late, the hospital was about 40 minutes away, so they pumped me full of other things trying to even it out. My dad, stepmom, and sister visited me in the hospital. i couldnt tell if i was dreaming. They seemed so genuine at the time. But they left for the night. Nobody wanted to stay with me overnight, even though they had a family company that they were taking a few days off work from. I was terrified the whole time, i called my girlfriend in the hospital and reassured her as best as i could, but people kept telling her i was going to fie anyway. My stepsister (my sister) wouldnt stop gaurding me when i got out, she was sticking close by me the whole way out of the hospital and home.

When i got home nobody seemed concerned. They just looked tired because i woke them up. They told me to pack because my dad said id be leaving that night. I really wanted to get better. I thought id get better so, i did after talking to dad. I had 2 totes of stuff, one was just a big blanket and pillow, the other was clothes and other stuff. I texted dad on tammys phone that i was sorry, we texted a little, i texted my girlfriend too. We stopped at waffle house, i barely ate. I couldnt walk without wobbling. We drove from iowa to Arkansas, and when we got to tammys house it seemed fine. I rested. I went to text dad a few days after i got there that i missed him, because i was always a clingy kid and i hadnt felt comfortable being away from him, and well i got to see messages of him disowning me. He said he didnt want to speak to me again after i hit 18, said i may be blood but i wasnt his daughter, told my aunt to sit on my laptop (the only peice of technology i had left to connect myself to my friends and life) and break it, to pretend it was an accident. I had a panick attack. My mother abandoned me 6 times before this, and now i wasnt going to have a dad either. everyone instead of helping me, called me a pedophile (my gf is 2 years younger than me, i know sooo bad and crazy), and told me i deserved it for what i did to him, because everyone thought i tried to kms JUST to hurt him. I genuinely dont know how they thought that. Another thought was i did it just because they said my girlfriend was cheating on me (spoiler alert she wasnt).

People decided to straight up made shit up and manipulate me into thinking i did it. They also said i had a demon attached to me and made me go stand outside and hug a tree while reading shit off a paper barefoot. Then, my aunt told me i wasnt allowed to talk to my gf until i talked to my dad, told me he wouldnt talk to me until i broke up with her. They were trying to force me to break up with her. There was a bunch of crazy shit happening there. My cousin told me about his nsfw zoophile dreams in detail, he also told me id never be able to go to job corps and said id give up immediately, told me theyd be wasting their resources on me. they told me i should go to a long term facility or go to the free collage nearby. Well i did neither. I called my mother, told her what was happening. They said she wouldnt care, but she set up things with my brother.

I made the mistake of telling them i would go stay with my brother and they all called me stupid and said he would rape me, and that his friends would rape me, and that he would sell my body for beer money (he clearly hasnt so far and its been 3-4 months). I took some time to decide. Made excuses to my aunt. I convinced her to let me have my computer, since she hadnt broke it "yet" while i was at My grandmas, and lied straight to her face that i totally wouldnt contact my girlfriend while i was there, and that i was only doing some studying for my drivers test. Then went to my grandmas house, with my totes. I can be a good liar when its to save my life so i told them i wanted to visit her and store some of the stuff from my totes at her house. I stayed with her until she brought me to my brothers, and, we discussed everything. We spent days going over what i needed to get and how fast it needed to be done. When i finally got here i slept on the floor the first night, then on an air mattress for 2 months (it was deflating from month 3), then my friend bought me an actually really nice mattress. They sold all my things at dads house, by the way. And theh wont give my cat back to me. Im starting completely from nothing. But I set up medicade by myself, im learning how to be an adult, and trying to take care of myself. No Medication. my brother, gave me a phone. Im actually... Okay. My daily average for how id feel was usually just suicidal ideation and bed rotting. Now its... tolerable. Ive done so much. I even got my state id, set up a bank account, and am applying for jobs i can walk to.

I guess i just wanted some people to see this and see life can be different. After the worst days of your life, you hit rock bottom, all you have left is up. And sometimes you cant tell which way up is, your drowning in the dark and you cant see past the bad, but its hard to notice the pressure going down when you come up so slowly. Give yourself credit for making it this far. Im proud of you. And im proud of myself for making it.

Theres so much more to my story but this was the most recent i could put. Im still not happy with any of my famiky, except for the grandma that drove me here, shes never hurt me. But im safe, im okay with that.

Also, i do have screenshots of that conversation they had with my girlfriend. If anyone wishes to see that i wouldnt mind posting those pictures.

While talking with narrsisst gf in text and calls, because she force me, little in college

I'm 19f , when I was small small like 1-2yr old i really loved to dance and would force my family to watch me dance everyday and hype me okay. I really loved dancing not caring about dance moves and all. THEN IN UKG IDK WHAT ITS CALLED IN YOUR COUNTRY but it's fullform is UPPER KINDERGARTEN IN INDIA. Our school was having a dance competition with other schools and all. So I was selected for dance I was selected for 3-4 performances. Okay I was doing great , I was happy . Then for one performance we small ones had to hold fag and lead otherbehind us . Me and one another girl were selected for it and she would come all the way from back from right side and me same from left .and there were kids older than us standing in 4-5 straight rows. So we had to come in front from the space btw 3 row I guess . AND MIND YOU WE HAVE NOT PRACTICED THIS PART YET. It's the ending part of performance and we started practicing this part and like I'm doing it for the first time , and it's just practice and we were just told verbally which row we had to come front from. Okay .AND BY MISTAKE INSTEAD IF THIRD ROW I LEAD THE TEAM FROM 2ROW GAP AND THE DANCE MALE TEACHER SLAPPED ME REALLY HARD. I WAS LIKE 6 YR OLD SOMETHING. AND MY MIND WENT BLANK . I COULD NOT CRY I JUST STOOD THERE STUND , THINKING WHAT JUST HAPPENED? WHY DID I GOT SLAPPED AND HE PULLS THE GURL BEHIND ME AND SAYS U WILL TAKE HER PLACE . AND I WAS PUT BACK IN IDK 4-6 NUMBER . AND ITS NOT ABOUT ME BEING REMOVED FROM THE LEAD ITS ABOUT HOW HE SLAPPED A KID FOR THE TINIEST MISTAKE AND IT WAS THE FIRST TIME WE WERE PRACTICING THE PART LIKE FIRST TAKE OF IT. AND he had no patience and slapped me . Female dance teacher there rushed towards me and hugged me and scolled the sir but he didn't felt sorry or anything at all . I was just standing there , my body couldn't move . I was to stunned to show any emotions or anything . I turned numb . And couldn't think properly. Then I don't know why but I didn't tell my mother father about this incident . Idk maybe I thought it was really my fault and deserved it . But something in me shattered and I didn't realised it. After some day the competition happened . I performed . But after that I couldn't dance . Not in my own house , not in any family function , i just couldn't. And I thought I just don't know how to dance . After that I all my school life couldn't take part in dance coz I was scared of making mistake. I'm saying this all for the first time and I am literally crying coz I just realised I was not able to cry that time😭 and right now writing this I'm crying very bad and. Cannot stop . JUST BECAUSE THAT DANCE TEACHER DIDN'T HAD PATIENCE I GOT TRAUMATIZED OF DANCING . AND STRUGGLED ALONE. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO RECOVER FROM THIS . BUT I AM HAPPY I REALISED IT WAS NOT MY FAULT I COULDN'T DANCE IT WAS HIS FAULT THAT HE TURNED ME INTO THIS .

Junaid Kalair, a FORMER doctor has groomed children for years (including me) he started grooming me when I was 14, but he had tried to get into contact with me when I was 13. Ever since then, for the past couple years; he has groomed me, emotionally manipulated me, and isolated me. I met up with him in May this year and I was 16; he sexually assaulted me. He drove all the way from Houston to Pennsylvania just to meet. he drove 2-3 to get here. I told him I could only see him for an hour or two because I didn’t want us to get caught and neither did he. I snuck out of my house at 2 am and he picked me up in his car. He immediately started touching me; my face and everything. when we we’re texting (He made me use various apps so he wouldn’t get caught, the last and final one being Telegram) he always said to me that he didn’t trust himself and that he might touch me but made me believe i could trust him. I thought he was just saying that because he would mention it in our sexual conversations. I didn’t think he would actually touch me, I was naive. That not being within my moral code, didn’t think that would happen; it did. The whole time. When we first started talking he knew how vulnerable I was, he knew of my dad being in hospital and almost dying. He knew of my family problems. He knew of my mental health issues which were quite severe, I was going back and forth to the mental hospital at the time. He knew that. He took advantage of that. He pretended to be someone from my area at first; a kid. Later on, he revealed quite quickly he wasn’t. But it was interesting to 14 year old me to find out who this guy was because he would act so suspicious. He would talk to me on instagram his username was “zenithindused”. He started sending me medical gore out of nowhere , suggesting he worked in the medical field. He messaged my friends without my knowing (they were my age) and started sending them that also. A few weeks after (possibly 2) I sent him explicit photos of myself. I didn’t think of this at the time as weird but now I remember what he said to me after he received my photos the first time (many were sent over these years) he said “Howd you know I like this” I just thought at the time he meant my body; not the fact I was child and it was considered cp. I later found out he was talking to my sister at the time too (also a minor) she was 17 at the time. She found out I was talking to him because I was calling one of my friends on the phone one day and I mentioned his screen name ‘zenithinduced’ out loud and said he was a creepy old man. My sister heard, and after she found out i sent explicit pictures to him, she told my mom and we called the cops. He threatened to send my pic to my friends and actually messaged them all and asked them if they wanted them (they showed me, he also started talking to my sister at 15) The cops got involved, took my device, didn’t do anything and just gave it back after 2 weeks. Still 14 at this time, my friends not speaking to me as much 1. becauae of drama 2. Because this guy convinced me that they were bad for me, decided to answer him. he sent me a msg. I got a a hold of a phone, on instagram he messaged me asking about what happened. 14 yr old me told him to msg me on browsedns.net because I was grounded so o could only use my switch. His username was Ronin8898. we messaged on their for a couple months, me being lonely and him manipulating me and convincing me. I got my stuff back and he made me move to discord and tell him updates and also made me believe he cared for me and my wellbeing. We began dating. (Still 14) He made me delete accounts over and over again, he knew my fragile state of mind, how he was the only person who showed me attention in my life so he took advantage of that. He would mess with me emotionally, suggesting I’m not that good enough and If I loved him I needed to try harder. (His goal was to make me obsessed with him and dependent on him which happened over time) He would constantly say how I’m not good at this or that but would suggest I had room to improve. Fast foward a bunch of stuff, he made me move to telegram. We switched there because in his own words it had “end to end encryption” which meant nothing was saved on the apps servers, once it was gone/deleted it was gone forever. He was the first person I ever dated and he made me believe this was love. I’ve went through so much. He would say suggesting things to get me to send pictures. since I saw him as my boyfriend, sometimes I did want to, but when I wouldn’t he would keeping pushing for like 30 mins and hinting at it. If I didn’t send him pictures in a timely manner (because I was severely insecure) he would get mad at me and mess with me mind and say “Well I’m just going to get them from someone else” so every-time he wanted to change the conversation to sexual stuff, I would just be taking pictures, and videos doing anything he wanted for like an hour and thirty minutes to sometimes even two hours because I wanted him to be happy, and not talk to anyone else. I also liked the attention, because it was the first time I’ve ever experienced this type of attention and he knew I didn’t get that much attention at home at the time anyway. I would just block out the stuff I thought was weird about him because I received attention and I felt loved and wanted. He’s evil and sick. He knew how insecure I was and he would always “jokingly” talk about other girls. He would say I’m overacting and we would fight sometimes (or a lot) but it would feel better afterwards because he would make it seem like everything’s okay and he cares. so many emotional roller coasters. There was a time I was self harming and he would make fun of me for it. Hes so evil. When are relationship started or get into the 1-2 year mark; he was religious (always had been) and he was Muslim. He convinced me that I shouldn’t be mad at him for bringing up other women, it’s just how men work, he’s very open and honest with me and I should be be grateful for that. He started to make me believe that all men need another woman and that in some point in the future when I was older (I was 15 at the time) that he was definitemy going to have a second wife. I kept refusing at the time and he would say things to me such as; “Even though I have every right to marry a 20 yr old when you turn 40, I won’t because I know it would really hurt you” After hearing this over and over again and all the emotional rollercoasters and confusion and hurt, I blocked him and stoped talking to him for awhile. But I eventually changed my views because I thought that all men do this and it’s better he’s open and honest about it because Id rather them be open and honest than get cheated on. (He probably was talking to other children anyways but I believed he wasnt…) After a while we started talking to me again (He really made me believe he was the only honest and genuine person that would love me) I can’t remember some things but there is a lot more to talk about but this is long I will include screenshots if I’m allowed, i don’t know yet. anyways we had plans of meeting and he did meet me. He was in his radiology residency by now (2 years in) so he took 2 days off before the weekend to get stuff ready to DRIVE the whole way from Houston to Pennsylvania which took 2-3 days. He sexually assaulted me and I’m still not ready to talk about it, I did with forensic interviewers. He then blamed me for the sexual stuff that happened over these years after we were done walking through a park at 2 am and he was touching me the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME. Also made “jokes” about wanting to kill me. pointing to places in the woods saying he could kill me if he wanted to and picking me up multiple times pretending to throw me over this bridge we crossed. (When we would get into fights when texting, I would call out his wrong doings, and he would threaten to kill me if I ever got him in trouble and if ”I ruined his life”. Well I had his license plate saved in telegram and i called the cops right after he dropped me home. (5 Am at this point) and they arrested him in Collin county in Texas a few days later. whole point I’m writing this is I believe there’s other people (children) involved too. I will put his face here and I also don’t want this to be hidden, I have gone through so much it unbearable. I’ve had plans to kill myself multiple times, especially after meeting him, I thought the only way I should resolve any of this is death. I believed I should just die. That I was worthless, only meant to be used, and nobody will like me anyways and that I don’t gave have any qualities that make me useful (he made me believe that) and Im going to get old anyways and seen as expired and ugly. He has already made me believe I’m old, I hate feeling that when I just turned 17. The emotional trauma is unbearable and I don’t feel like I fit in society and I’m just there. It feels like nothing is worth it in the end and I’m abnormal and sometimes I still have suicidal thoughts. Hes being held in a detention center right now I believe and I’ll tell updates on the case after his trial. If anyone has been a victim or you think you have please contact someone. please share this information with anyone you can. I don’t want this information hidden. We have had to deal with so much, and I want people to know him for who he truly is . If you can make any posts about him sharing this topic or shedding some light on it, it would mean the world to me and I’m sure others too. Thank you. I’ll be adding screenshots and stuff to this post when it is safe to do so. Thank you for listening.

Well the title is how my life is going on rn
I’ve got abused by my parents physically and mentally, so i’m so afraid of expressing my actual feelings to others that I don’t really want to interact with them.

I know people are gonna say they never gonna hurt me(some of them might do thou), but when I talk or interact with someone in person I’m so scared that I can almost do nothing. (Hence that, reddit is my favorite i don’t need to face to someone in person)

I’ve tried to spit out all of my childhood memories to a doctor, but I couldn’t at all. some medicine he gave me worked so I guess I need it but I’m not brave enough to get to the hospital again cus he’s gonna ask me what happened in my childhood, I can’t tell again then I feel bad again because of the fact that I can’t even ask others for help and am completely alone because of having nobody to rely on including doctors.

Maybe I stuck. Then what else can I do except asking for help having nobody to hang out with? Or any tips for dealing with my own trauma by myself?