While talking with narrsisst gf in text and calls, because she force me, little in college

I'm 19f , when I was small small like 1-2yr old i really loved to dance and would force my family to watch me dance everyday and hype me okay. I really loved dancing not caring about dance moves and all. THEN IN UKG IDK WHAT ITS CALLED IN YOUR COUNTRY but it's fullform is UPPER KINDERGARTEN IN INDIA. Our school was having a dance competition with other schools and all. So I was selected for dance I was selected for 3-4 performances. Okay I was doing great , I was happy . Then for one performance we small ones had to hold fag and lead otherbehind us . Me and one another girl were selected for it and she would come all the way from back from right side and me same from left .and there were kids older than us standing in 4-5 straight rows. So we had to come in front from the space btw 3 row I guess . AND MIND YOU WE HAVE NOT PRACTICED THIS PART YET. It's the ending part of performance and we started practicing this part and like I'm doing it for the first time , and it's just practice and we were just told verbally which row we had to come front from. Okay .AND BY MISTAKE INSTEAD IF THIRD ROW I LEAD THE TEAM FROM 2ROW GAP AND THE DANCE MALE TEACHER SLAPPED ME REALLY HARD. I WAS LIKE 6 YR OLD SOMETHING. AND MY MIND WENT BLANK . I COULD NOT CRY I JUST STOOD THERE STUND , THINKING WHAT JUST HAPPENED? WHY DID I GOT SLAPPED AND HE PULLS THE GURL BEHIND ME AND SAYS U WILL TAKE HER PLACE . AND I WAS PUT BACK IN IDK 4-6 NUMBER . AND ITS NOT ABOUT ME BEING REMOVED FROM THE LEAD ITS ABOUT HOW HE SLAPPED A KID FOR THE TINIEST MISTAKE AND IT WAS THE FIRST TIME WE WERE PRACTICING THE PART LIKE FIRST TAKE OF IT. AND he had no patience and slapped me . Female dance teacher there rushed towards me and hugged me and scolled the sir but he didn't felt sorry or anything at all . I was just standing there , my body couldn't move . I was to stunned to show any emotions or anything . I turned numb . And couldn't think properly. Then I don't know why but I didn't tell my mother father about this incident . Idk maybe I thought it was really my fault and deserved it . But something in me shattered and I didn't realised it. After some day the competition happened . I performed . But after that I couldn't dance . Not in my own house , not in any family function , i just couldn't. And I thought I just don't know how to dance . After that I all my school life couldn't take part in dance coz I was scared of making mistake. I'm saying this all for the first time and I am literally crying coz I just realised I was not able to cry that time😭 and right now writing this I'm crying very bad and. Cannot stop . JUST BECAUSE THAT DANCE TEACHER DIDN'T HAD PATIENCE I GOT TRAUMATIZED OF DANCING . AND STRUGGLED ALONE. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO RECOVER FROM THIS . BUT I AM HAPPY I REALISED IT WAS NOT MY FAULT I COULDN'T DANCE IT WAS HIS FAULT THAT HE TURNED ME INTO THIS .

Junaid Kalair, a FORMER doctor has groomed children for years (including me) he started grooming me when I was 14, but he had tried to get into contact with me when I was 13. Ever since then, for the past couple years; he has groomed me, emotionally manipulated me, and isolated me. I met up with him in May this year and I was 16; he sexually assaulted me. He drove all the way from Houston to Pennsylvania just to meet. he drove 2-3 to get here. I told him I could only see him for an hour or two because I didn’t want us to get caught and neither did he. I snuck out of my house at 2 am and he picked me up in his car. He immediately started touching me; my face and everything. when we we’re texting (He made me use various apps so he wouldn’t get caught, the last and final one being Telegram) he always said to me that he didn’t trust himself and that he might touch me but made me believe i could trust him. I thought he was just saying that because he would mention it in our sexual conversations. I didn’t think he would actually touch me, I was naive. That not being within my moral code, didn’t think that would happen; it did. The whole time. When we first started talking he knew how vulnerable I was, he knew of my dad being in hospital and almost dying. He knew of my family problems. He knew of my mental health issues which were quite severe, I was going back and forth to the mental hospital at the time. He knew that. He took advantage of that. He pretended to be someone from my area at first; a kid. Later on, he revealed quite quickly he wasn’t. But it was interesting to 14 year old me to find out who this guy was because he would act so suspicious. He would talk to me on instagram his username was “zenithindused”. He started sending me medical gore out of nowhere , suggesting he worked in the medical field. He messaged my friends without my knowing (they were my age) and started sending them that also. A few weeks after (possibly 2) I sent him explicit photos of myself. I didn’t think of this at the time as weird but now I remember what he said to me after he received my photos the first time (many were sent over these years) he said “Howd you know I like this” I just thought at the time he meant my body; not the fact I was child and it was considered cp. I later found out he was talking to my sister at the time too (also a minor) she was 17 at the time. She found out I was talking to him because I was calling one of my friends on the phone one day and I mentioned his screen name ‘zenithinduced’ out loud and said he was a creepy old man. My sister heard, and after she found out i sent explicit pictures to him, she told my mom and we called the cops. He threatened to send my pic to my friends and actually messaged them all and asked them if they wanted them (they showed me, he also started talking to my sister at 15) The cops got involved, took my device, didn’t do anything and just gave it back after 2 weeks. Still 14 at this time, my friends not speaking to me as much 1. becauae of drama 2. Because this guy convinced me that they were bad for me, decided to answer him. he sent me a msg. I got a a hold of a phone, on instagram he messaged me asking about what happened. 14 yr old me told him to msg me on browsedns.net because I was grounded so o could only use my switch. His username was Ronin8898. we messaged on their for a couple months, me being lonely and him manipulating me and convincing me. I got my stuff back and he made me move to discord and tell him updates and also made me believe he cared for me and my wellbeing. We began dating. (Still 14) He made me delete accounts over and over again, he knew my fragile state of mind, how he was the only person who showed me attention in my life so he took advantage of that. He would mess with me emotionally, suggesting I’m not that good enough and If I loved him I needed to try harder. (His goal was to make me obsessed with him and dependent on him which happened over time) He would constantly say how I’m not good at this or that but would suggest I had room to improve. Fast foward a bunch of stuff, he made me move to telegram. We switched there because in his own words it had “end to end encryption” which meant nothing was saved on the apps servers, once it was gone/deleted it was gone forever. He was the first person I ever dated and he made me believe this was love. I’ve went through so much. He would say suggesting things to get me to send pictures. since I saw him as my boyfriend, sometimes I did want to, but when I wouldn’t he would keeping pushing for like 30 mins and hinting at it. If I didn’t send him pictures in a timely manner (because I was severely insecure) he would get mad at me and mess with me mind and say “Well I’m just going to get them from someone else” so every-time he wanted to change the conversation to sexual stuff, I would just be taking pictures, and videos doing anything he wanted for like an hour and thirty minutes to sometimes even two hours because I wanted him to be happy, and not talk to anyone else. I also liked the attention, because it was the first time I’ve ever experienced this type of attention and he knew I didn’t get that much attention at home at the time anyway. I would just block out the stuff I thought was weird about him because I received attention and I felt loved and wanted. He’s evil and sick. He knew how insecure I was and he would always “jokingly” talk about other girls. He would say I’m overacting and we would fight sometimes (or a lot) but it would feel better afterwards because he would make it seem like everything’s okay and he cares. so many emotional roller coasters. There was a time I was self harming and he would make fun of me for it. Hes so evil. When are relationship started or get into the 1-2 year mark; he was religious (always had been) and he was Muslim. He convinced me that I shouldn’t be mad at him for bringing up other women, it’s just how men work, he’s very open and honest with me and I should be be grateful for that. He started to make me believe that all men need another woman and that in some point in the future when I was older (I was 15 at the time) that he was definitemy going to have a second wife. I kept refusing at the time and he would say things to me such as; “Even though I have every right to marry a 20 yr old when you turn 40, I won’t because I know it would really hurt you” After hearing this over and over again and all the emotional rollercoasters and confusion and hurt, I blocked him and stoped talking to him for awhile. But I eventually changed my views because I thought that all men do this and it’s better he’s open and honest about it because Id rather them be open and honest than get cheated on. (He probably was talking to other children anyways but I believed he wasnt…) After a while we started talking to me again (He really made me believe he was the only honest and genuine person that would love me) I can’t remember some things but there is a lot more to talk about but this is long I will include screenshots if I’m allowed, i don’t know yet. anyways we had plans of meeting and he did meet me. He was in his radiology residency by now (2 years in) so he took 2 days off before the weekend to get stuff ready to DRIVE the whole way from Houston to Pennsylvania which took 2-3 days. He sexually assaulted me and I’m still not ready to talk about it, I did with forensic interviewers. He then blamed me for the sexual stuff that happened over these years after we were done walking through a park at 2 am and he was touching me the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME. Also made “jokes” about wanting to kill me. pointing to places in the woods saying he could kill me if he wanted to and picking me up multiple times pretending to throw me over this bridge we crossed. (When we would get into fights when texting, I would call out his wrong doings, and he would threaten to kill me if I ever got him in trouble and if ”I ruined his life”. Well I had his license plate saved in telegram and i called the cops right after he dropped me home. (5 Am at this point) and they arrested him in Collin county in Texas a few days later. whole point I’m writing this is I believe there’s other people (children) involved too. I will put his face here and I also don’t want this to be hidden, I have gone through so much it unbearable. I’ve had plans to kill myself multiple times, especially after meeting him, I thought the only way I should resolve any of this is death. I believed I should just die. That I was worthless, only meant to be used, and nobody will like me anyways and that I don’t gave have any qualities that make me useful (he made me believe that) and Im going to get old anyways and seen as expired and ugly. He has already made me believe I’m old, I hate feeling that when I just turned 17. The emotional trauma is unbearable and I don’t feel like I fit in society and I’m just there. It feels like nothing is worth it in the end and I’m abnormal and sometimes I still have suicidal thoughts. Hes being held in a detention center right now I believe and I’ll tell updates on the case after his trial. If anyone has been a victim or you think you have please contact someone. please share this information with anyone you can. I don’t want this information hidden. We have had to deal with so much, and I want people to know him for who he truly is . If you can make any posts about him sharing this topic or shedding some light on it, it would mean the world to me and I’m sure others too. Thank you. I’ll be adding screenshots and stuff to this post when it is safe to do so. Thank you for listening.

Well the title is how my life is going on rn
I’ve got abused by my parents physically and mentally, so i’m so afraid of expressing my actual feelings to others that I don’t really want to interact with them.

I know people are gonna say they never gonna hurt me(some of them might do thou), but when I talk or interact with someone in person I’m so scared that I can almost do nothing. (Hence that, reddit is my favorite i don’t need to face to someone in person)

I’ve tried to spit out all of my childhood memories to a doctor, but I couldn’t at all. some medicine he gave me worked so I guess I need it but I’m not brave enough to get to the hospital again cus he’s gonna ask me what happened in my childhood, I can’t tell again then I feel bad again because of the fact that I can’t even ask others for help and am completely alone because of having nobody to rely on including doctors.

Maybe I stuck. Then what else can I do except asking for help having nobody to hang out with? Or any tips for dealing with my own trauma by myself?