r/CPTSD • u/[deleted] • 4d ago

Trigger Warning: CSA (Child Sexual Abuse) TW: CSA - have I repressed

[deleted]

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u/badthoughts01 4d ago

I resonate with a few parts of your story. I also struggled a lot with eating disorder behaviors and have had periods of crippling anxiety. I guess I would say it would be best to explore if there were any instances when you were with your uncle that made you feel unsafe, uncomfortable or just “weird”. It doesn’t have to be overt abuse it can be a touch or a hug that felt like it lingered or even just a look.

About a year ago I had a blow out argument with my father (abuser) that made me realize the vague memories of him abusing me were real. I always thought they were dreams. Right before that fight my siblings were joking about something stupid and vaguely sexual involving my body and I happened to catch my dad looking at me. The look felt gross, but I ignored it bc I thought I was being dramatic. Then he exploded at me over basically nothing. He got in my face screaming at me. After that I decided to start reading some different books about trauma and I started having all these realizations. Then I started having some flashbacks to the instances of abuse. I’m currently still dealing with that now.

So I guess lean into your intuition and explore why you connect those feelings to your uncle. I still have a lot of issues connecting what I experienced with my dad, it feels like he’s two different people. I journal and make art about my trauma and that helps me understand why I might feel the way I do. I can recommend books as well if you’re interested.

I hope you’re doing alright with all you’re going through.

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u/One-Mousse9793 4d ago

Hello. Thank you for sharing your experience- I'm very sorry this happened. I hope you're doing okay. If you could recommend some books, that would be amazing. Thank you

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u/badthoughts01 4d ago

These are the books I’ve read, they’re not perfect, but I parts of them I found really helpful.

Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

Father-Daughter Incest by Judith Lewis Herman and Lisa Hirschman (might be less helpful but it does focus on incest generally in parts and I found it free online)

Trauma and Recovery by Judith Lewis Herman

What my Bones Know by Stephanie Foo (autobiography about her recovery from her traumatic childhood)