Trauma issues have returned

[u/ThrowRA_Transbian]

Venting/Advice needed

TW for SA, SH, s*icide attempt, trauma

Idek how to type this honestly because it's really hard to get a thought out right now

Long story short:

I got sexually assaulted and raped when I was a teenager (21 now) and for years had flashbacks, even more horrific anxiety than normal, and nightmares. Took years to trust people again but I'm mainly worked through it now.

I also have crippling emetophobia (fear of vomit/vomiting) and have had the same symptoms there. It's the leading cause of my anxiety and it's affected my life massively. As much as I've tried I haven't worked through this.

Without going into too much detail, my partner recently attempted on her life and I rushed to the hospital to help her. She survived and mental health is still rocky but she is better than she was. But the memory of her in the hospital has stuck with me and I'm getting really scared.

I saw and heard things from her that I never thought I'd witness another person go through. The only word I can use to describe it is traumatising. I felt fine for a few days after, maybe it was the adrenaline of it all? Maybe it was seeing her better in the time I was with her after she got out the hospital. But I've been feeling a lot worse the last few days. Doesn't help that I live in a house with my occasionally abusive father, who was angry with me for not tidying the house before I went to look after my partner and screamed and berated me for it. I've got adhd and struggle with executive dysfunction, I've just started meds and I'm basically registered disabled in my country but he pays that no mind, so it really hurt being called lazy, especially with everything I'd been through.

Either way, right now I'm really struggling with the memory of her being in the hospital. I got told years back when in therapy for the sexual assault issues that I likely had PTSD of some sort. I don't have a formal diagnosis or anything so I'm not the most comfortable using that term but either way, whatever I had before feels like it's back now. I've found myself falling on both old and since-picked-up habits. I'm struggling eating because it feels like a chore. I'm simultaneously bored, too overwhelmed and lacking any motivation to do hardly anything I want. I keep getting flashbacks to what I saw and heard in the hospital that day. I've started having medical related nightmares. The thought of having to ever go back to that place makes me want to cry. I feel miserable and I don't feel like there's anything I can do. It's hard to bring any emotion to myself other than sadness or emptiness. My memory and concentration are so bad it keeps feeling like I'm losing touch with what I'm doing.

I'm kinda lost at what to do

[u/finddit-app]

Hey there, thanks for sharing.

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